Category: 1998

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 7

98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys

The Ladies’ Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Caller #1…..Chris Parnell
Caller #2…..Molly Shannon
Caller #3…..Colin Quinn
Caller #4…..Will Ferrell

[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with “The Ladies’ Man” superimposed; lights are down]

Voiceover: Oh yeah! It’s time for The Ladies’ Man!

[title fades out, lights come up]

Leon Phelps: Yeah. All right. Yeah, what’s happenin’? What’s happening? Good evening, everybody, and welcome to “The Ladies’ Man”! The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I’m Leon Phelps, how you all doin’ tonight? Yeah? [cheers and some applause] Good. That’s good. I am doing all right. You see, I got my [shows bottle of Courvoisier] bottle of Courvoisier right here. Oh yeah! And of course, I got my [grabs a Pilgrim hat and puts it on] Pilgrim’s hat right here! That’s right!

Because tonight’s show is my very special Thanksgiving show. And this is exactly how a smooth operatin’ Pilgrim might dress, way back then in the 1840s, you know? That is, if he wanted to get some– poke some hontas. [laughs]…If you know what I’m sayin’, and I think you do!

So uh, now let’s get into the holiday spirit and, uh, take some calls, all right? So…go ahead, caller, you got “The Ladies’ Man.”

Caller #1: [is nervous] H – hey, hello, Ladies’ Man. I’m gonna meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time this Thanksgiving, and I’m pretty nervous.

Leon: Well, yeah, I understand. Um…you want to get it on with her mother?

Caller #1: [shocked] No!…No, it is just I’ve never met them before, and it’s a little scary.

Leon: Oh, okay, I see now. How many months pregnant is your girlfriend?

Caller #1: She’s not pregnant!

Leon: Well…th – then have you given her some sort of venereal disease?

Caller #1: [outraged] No!

Leon: Well then, then why are you so nervous? Uh, you sound…you sound like a fine, upstandin’, disease-free young man! Enjoy the free meal, and if you get the opportunity to do it with her mother, then take it, okay? Cheers and good luck.

Next caller…[takes a sip of Courvoisier]

Caller #2: [is sad and talks softly] Hi, Ladies’ Man.

Leon: Ooh! It’s a lady!

Caller #2: Ladies’ Man, I get so lonely around the holidays.

Leon: [thoughtfully] Mmm…

Caller #2: I sometimes think about taking my own life.

Leon: Well, that’s good.

Caller #2: Oh, no! I’m lonely and miserable!

Leon: Oh, well, that is not good! Um…but I think that I can help. Let me ask you a question, um…do you weigh in excess of 250 pounds?

Caller #2: No.

Leon: Well, that is wonderful because you qualify to participate in my annual Thanksgiving Day dinner for all ladies who are lonely and under 250 pounds….I like to call it Leon [cut to graphic that reads “All skanks under 250 lbs. invited/Leon Phelp’s Skanksgiving Dinner/beer, turkey loaf”] Phelps’ Skanksgiving Day Dinner.

[dissolve to Leon]

And I hope that you will come, because there will be a delicious…um, turkey-like loaf, um…there are suitcases full of fine beer, and many skanks such as yourself in attendance, okay? Next caller?

Caller #3: [is bitter] Hey, Ladies’ Man! I don’t even want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year! All my family does is fight!

Leon: Oh now, well, don’t say that! You know, Thanksgiving is a time to put aside all your petty arguments and come together and enjoy each other’s company. Because [becomes increasingly choked up]…basically, even though you’ve grown apart…you still a family! The family is so important…because…

Caller #3: Ladies’ Man, are you all right?

Leon: [back to normal] Yeah, I’m all right. It’s just that, you know, you reminded me of a Thanksgiving from my past, and i – it was not good. You see, I shot my brother during Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, you know, he was not acting very cool, so I shot him with one of the three guns I always bring to Thanksgiving dinner. He did not die, but he now has just one arm. Okay?

So anyway, to make a long story short, and to answer your question…um, I think you should try doin’ it in the butt.

Caller #3: What?!

Leon: [after a long pause] I’m sorry, I forgot what we were talkin’ about here. I have no idea. But I’m sure that that answer will suffice. I better…I better take another call…

Caller #4: Uh, i – is this “The Ladies’ Man”?

Leon: Yeah, you got Leon Phelps, the Ladies’ Man.

Caller #4: Uh, Ladies’ Man, uh, when my wife and I stay at my parents’ house for the holidays, I – I find I – I can’t [Leon takes a sip of Courvoisier] perform sexually. I – is there something wrong with me?

Leon: Yeah, there is somethin’ wrong with you. I mean I, myself, have made love many times right in front of my parents, you know? I mean, I enjoyed it, they enjoyed it, you know? Now, I am no doctor, but it sounds to me like you have a penereal disease. Uh, what we call in the medical profession, it’s called “scaredy wang.” Yeah, your wang is scared. I suggest that you get over it soon before your wife hooks up with someone with a more courageous wang…and I’m not namin’ any names, if you [points to his crotch] know what I mean! Yeah.

Okay, well, I hope that, uh, my commentary has been helpful to you. That’s all the time that we have on “The Ladies’ Man,” but, before I go…[stands up; piano music begins playing] I would like to give thanks [lights dim] for the things that [a table with a cornucopia slides in front of him] I have been blessed with the most. Number one: a superior-performing wang…the Courvoisier truck that jackknifed in front of my house…that was good. And of course, the irrepressible human ass. Yeah! And as always, the ladies that I have made sweet love to this year. Ladies, you know who you are….And if you don’t, here’s an alphabetical list of your names.

[a long list of names begins scrolling]

So…Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! I will see you next time on “The Ladies’ Man”!

[starts looking at the list of names]

Yeah! Oh yeah, I know I remember [title fades up over everything] that one! Oh baby, I gotta give her a call! Oh yeah!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 7

98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys

Saddam’s Private Bunker

Saddam Hussein….Will FerrellU.N. Inspector 1….Tim MeadowsU.N. Inspector 2….Horatio SanzU.N. Inspector 3….Chris Parnell

[Opens with shot of downtown buildings on Irak]

Caption: Tuesday, Nov. 17 1998.

[Cut to underground military bunker. U.N. WeaponsInspectors take notes on their clipboards]

U.N. Inspector 2: All right. This area looks clear.

U.N. Inspector 1: Ok.

Saddam Hussein: Well, look who has returned totorment the people of Irak. Listen, there are nochemical weapons here. Come on.

U.N. Inspector 1: Yeah, right. All right, Saddam,what’s in that room over there?

[point to a door]

Saddam Hussein: That is my private bunker. There isnothing of interest in there for you.

U.N. Inspector 1: Come on, Saddam. You know the rules.Unfettered access to all sites. Ok? Come on, open up.

Saddam Hussein: Bro’. No room to hide weapons. Ok?Just my personal effects in there. You’re wasting mytime bro’.

U.N. Inspector 3: We’ll be the judge of that.

Saddam Hussein: Be a bro’!

[They all go into a room that looks pretty much like ateenager’s room. Poster of Pamela Anderson and schoolbanners are on the walls, bed, nothing fancy]

U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, so this is the inner sanctum ofthe great Hussein?

Saddam Hussein: Come on now, give me a break.

U.N. Inspector 2:[points to a Spice Girls poster]Oh,man! It must’ve broken your heart when Ginger left thegroup, huh?[laughs mockingly]

U.N. Inspector 3: Look at this place!

U.N. Inspector 1:[holding a graduation photo] Hey,nice picture jackass!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, come on. Lay off. I was in highschool, ok? C’mon.

U.N. Inspector 1: Yeah, right.[looks under thebed]What’s under here?

Saddam Hussein:[panicked]There’s nothing there!

U.N. Inspector 1: Really?[pulls out exercise machine]

Saddam Hussein: Oh, I forgot. It’s my Chuck NorrisTotal Gym.[makes karate moves]

U.N. Inspector 3: It looks like its never been used.

Saddam Hussein: Well, it seems so easy on tape. Butthis thing’s too unstable. You guys should inspect thefactories that make this crap, huh?

U.N. Inspector 1:[pulls out book]Hey, look at what thegreat dictator is reading![Men are from Mars. Womenare from Venus by John Gray]

Saddam Hussein: Come on! I thought the same thing. Ibought it as a joke but I learned a lot, my wife, shedoesn’t want me to solve her problems, she just wantsme to listen to her.

U.N. Inspector 2: Oh, oh. Look what I got.[pulls out an LP]

U.N. Inspector 1: What did you find?

U.N. Inspector 2: CC Music Factory!![laughs hard,everyone cracks up]

Saddam Hussein: Ok, that’s not mine! That’s not mine!That’s my old lady’s! Come on!

U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, sure it’s not yours. Nicesheets.[looks under the mattress]Uh, look at thisfellas![pulls out a few catalogs] Oooh!! VictoriaSecret’s!

Saddam Hussein: I don’t have to explain those![grabsthe catalogs] Not to you!

U.N. Inspector 3: [pulls out little notebook]Hey,check this out, check this out.[mocking voice] “DearDiary: That guy from the Daily Show called me SaddamInsane. Does he think that’s funny, even though I’veheard it since the second grade, it still hurts.

[passes diary to Inspector 2]

Saddam Hussein: That’s clearly not a weapon. Hand that back!

U.N. Inspector 2: Oh, wait.[mocking voice]”Dear Diary:On Dawson’s Creek Pacey cheated with Christina andthen Andy found out, she was devastated. I felt thesame way when I had my son in law executed.

Saddam Hussein: Hey!, it isn’t funny!

[Tries to take back the diary, trips on his bed,Inspector 2 passes the diary to Inspector 1. Saddamsits on his bed all sad]

U.N. Inspector 1: Hey, fellas! Listen! “Dear Diary:The U.N. Weapons Inspectors returned to Baghdad today.It’s been two weeks since they’ve been here. I missthem.[sentimental music]We argue a lot but I know theycare about me. I can’t wait to see them because theyare my only true friends. I love them. Saddam, wedidn’t know you felt this way.

[they gather around Saddam]

Saddam Hussein:[crying]It’s hard for me to express myemotions and uuhh…John Gray talks about it in hisbook aah…you don’t want to hear it….

U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, come on Saddam, I think I speakfor all the guys when I say we feel the same way.

[The 3 Inspectors give Saddam a group hug]

Saddam Hussein:[chokes, sobs]You guys are the best.

U.N. Inspector 1: Come on, man. Give it up. Give it up.

Saddam Hussein: You guys are the best[cries]That feltvery good. It hasn’t happened in a long time. Hey, youwant to know where I hide the Anthrax?

U.N. Inspectors: Yeah!!

Saddam Hussein: You guys are not gonna believe it. Youguys were so close. I was sure you were going to find it.

U.N. Inspector 1: Really? I was so close?

[Happy music plays, Saddam and the Inspectors leavethe room happy as clams]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 7

98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys

Weekend update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn

[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]

Colin Quinn: The top story– thank you. The top story: the impeachment hearings. I know, it’s boring. Everybody pretends they watch it, but they don’t. But I had to watch it for this. All right, here are some of the best and brightest upon which our n – nation’s future hangs upon.

You got David Kendall, Clinton’s attorney. His other client is The National Enquirer. All right? That’s true. That’s dangerous, he gets his files mixed up, you know what could happen?…Nothin’. It would stay the same, but still…

Then there’s Clinton’s new special counsel, Greg Craig. First of all, who the hell is named “Greg Craig”? You can either be named “Greg” or “Craig.” You can’t have both. You can’t be “Greg Craig.”…You know what this guy did before this? He represented John Hinckley when he shot Clint– Reagan. That’s a – that’s a hardcore Democrat right there, all right? He represented Hinckley, and he still gets a prestigious job like this. Of course! Nobody wants to get on his bad side. He’s tight with Hinckley. He’s probably got, like, an autographed copy of Taxi Driver at his house, you know? “To Greg, Are you talkin’ to me? Ha ha. Your friend, John.” You know…

Then on the other side, there’s the Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Henry Hyde. He cheated on his wife, too, and he’s in charge of this thing! He called it “a youthful indiscretion,” and he was 45! This is all true! “Hey Henry, are those pimples?” “No, they’re liver spots.” All right?…He’s a little too old to be residing over these hearings, anyway. Did you see how many times he left to go to the men’s room during the hearings? He took more bathroom breaks than Calista Flockhart at Thanksgiving dinner. [groans] Ah, come on, folks! I had to say it!

Now…now…where was Clinton during all this, you ask? In Japan!…During the whole thing. You gotta give it to him. Everybody else is in Washington in the cold, in gray suits fighting over him; Clinton’s sitting in a Japanese hot tub getting an inappropriate sponge bath, all right? Just trying to help the Jap – Japanese economy 300 yen at a time. ¡Ándale! Let’s do the news! [laughs]

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Oh, folks! Folks, what can I say? I’m Colin Quinn.

At a televised town meeting in Japan this week, President Clinton was asked by a Japanese woman how he apologized to Hillary and Chelsea for his affair with Monica Lewinsky. President Clinton responded by screaming, “Look! Godzilla!” and then ran away.

Repredent– Representative J.C. Watts of Oklahoma has been made the conference chairman for the Republican Party. House Majority Leader Dick Armey said this will go a long way to change the perception of the Republicans from, quote, “the party for wealthy white men” to the, quote, “party for wealthy white men and that black guy.”…House Republicans are so excited about this that they’ve given him his own bathroom and water fountain.

Sam Dash, folks….Never mind that. Sam Dash. Sam Dash, Ken Starr’s ethics advisor, abruptly resigned yesterday to protest Starr’s decision to testify in the House impeachment hearing against President Clinton. In a related story, President Clinton met with his ethics [photo of Tom Cruise] advisor.

On her tape-recorded conversation with Monica Lewinsky…on her tape-recorded conversation with Monica Lewinsky, folks, Linda Tripp said that she can’t imagine herself having phone sex. That’s funny, that’s the only kind of sex I can imagine her having. [cheers and applause] Ah!…Come on, she’s not that bad! [chuckles] Shows you where I’m at.

This week…this week, George Stephanopoulos said that Monica Lewinsky used to bring him double lattes every morning, but his secretary wouldn’t let her see him. Whenever she would come by, Stephanopoulos’ assistants would hide him in a shoebox.

A…a new Palestinian airport is set to open in the Gaza Strip next week. The airport has excited people in the area with the influx of many new employment opportunities, although there are still numerous openings for one position: baggage handler….All right.

A Russian magazine…see, I’m readin’ ’em all. Russia, aahh! You read ’em all. A Russian magazine reported that many of the missiles they displayed during the Cold War were empty, hollowed-out, wooden decoys. The U.S. admits that during the ’80s, we used wooden decoys as well. [photo of Ronald Reagan; cheers and applause]

Puff Daddy’s producer, D-Dot, was arrested for beating a magazine editor this week. D-Dot pleaded innocent, saying, “Hey, come on, we weren’t beating him up, we were just remixing his face.”

Janet Allen wants to use DNA testing to prove her claim that she is descended from a child George Washington had with one of his slaves. Allen said she just wants to be acknowledged by the Washington family and recover as many of these portraits [photo of a $1 bill] of her ancestor as she can. [cheers and applause]…Riiight?

This week in Las Vegas, Dennis Rodman married Carmen Electra. This announcement angered David Arquette and Courtnex Cox, who said, “Hey, we were supposed to be the most asinine marriage of the year.”

Reports claim that Rodman may have been legally intoxicated at the time of the marriage. Look, I’ve been drunk plenty in my life, [disgusted] but I never, ever woke up next to a Carmen Electra. Ugh!…Being ironic, folks. Come on! All right.

This week, Baltimore police arrested a 36-year-old man who they said is a cat burglar of the– burglar of the rich and famous. The rich and famous in Baltimore. Big deal, so the guy took some CDs from Rafael Palmiero!…Big deal!

This holiday season…selected boxes of Cracker Jacks will contain certificates redeemable for 1,000-dollar gold rings and 400-dollar silver cufflinks. Cracker Jack explained they’re trying to expand their customer base to include more pimps and small-time Mafioso.

Well! It looks like Kate Moss will be in rehab for longer than she expected. The center she checked herself into said the program takes at least one month, and they want to make sure she doesn’t slip through the cracks….The people you defend…

This week, the Reverend Al Sharpton was involved in a car accident when the van he was driving smashed into a car, causing a multiple chain reaction. Apparently, it started as just two vehicles, but Sharpton incited it into a 10-car pile-up. [cheers and applause]…Uhh…

Meet Joe Black…he’s in the red!…Or as I like to call it, Brad, I Know What You Shouldn’t Have Did Last Summer. [little reaction] [under breath] Oh, come on, folks.

And finally, pop singer Björk turned 33 today. Hey Björk, happy bjirthday!

I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Thank you! Thank you!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 5th, 1998

Vince Vaughn

Lauryn Hill

None

Scott Wainio
Impeachment HearingsRecurring Characters: Henry Hyde, Elzabeth Dole, John Conyers, George Michael, Maxine Waters, Mariah Carey, Bob Barr, Barney Frank. Courtney Love.

Montage

Vince Vaughn’s MonologueRecurring Characters: Alfred Hitchcock.

Oops! I Crapped My PantsSummary: Undergarments for the elderly that can hold up to a gallon of fecal matter.

Note: Repeat from 09/26/98.

Dog ShowRecurring Characters: Miss Colleen, David Larry.

Mr. Peppers in Las VegasRecurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

The Joys of MarriageSummary: Married men (Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell) scare their friend, Chris (Jimmy Fallon), with tales of marital woes before his own impending nuptials.

Transcript

Brew Dude

John Lennon MemorialRecurring Characters: John Lennon, Jerry Garcia.

Exxon-Mobil Merger

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.

Transcript

Lauryn Hill performs “Doo Wop (That Thing)”

Psycho

Pimp ChatRecurring Characters: Bishop Don “Mack” Donald, Pimpin’ Kyle.

Transcript

Lauryn Hill performs “Ex-Factor”

Delco Cat Toys

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 8

98h: Vince Vaughn / Lauryn Hill

The Joys of Marriage

Will…..Will Ferrell
Chris…..Jimmy Fallon
Vince…..Vince Vaughn

[ open on exterior, Westlake Bewing Company ]

[ dissolve to interior, three buddies sitting at the bar ]

Chris: Thanks for coming out with me, man. I can’t believe this! Five days from now, I’m gonna be married! I’m freaking out, I don’t think I can go through with it!

Vince: Ah, it’s perfectly normal to feel a little nervous, Chris. I did when I got married.

Will: Same here.

Chris: Listen.. can I ask you guys some marriage questions?

Vince: Shoot.

Will: Yeah, we’ll give it to you straight.

Chris: Okay.. because Katie and I are fighting about stupid things all the time, and.. I don’t know.. did you guys fight a lot, before you guys were married?

Will: I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, Chris – once you get married, the fighting.. stops!

Chris: Really?

Will: Yep.

Chris: It stops completely?

Will: Mmm-hmm. You never fight about petty things again. No more screaming about filling up the ice cube trays..

Vince: No more reamings for forgetting to replace the toilet paper roll. You know.

Chris: I don’t get it – why the sudden change? Is it possible?

Vince: I don’t know, it’s just magic.

Will: Yeah, it’s like a fairy tale, Chris. Marriage is just this incredibly, wonderful state of mind. Maybe it’s the idea that you’re gonna be with the same woman until the day you die.. that just frees you up!

Chris: This is just impossible! What, what else happens?

Vince: You lose weight.

Chris: You guys are fatter that me.

Vince: Hey, that’s muscle, jerk!

Will: I mean, when you’re married, you always want to look your best!

Chris: What about sex?

Vince: Oh, my God, it’s constant.

Will: And totally spontaneous – totally. No more date nights.. just pure, adventuroud expermentation until you.. fall asleep in a.. in a spoon position.

Vince: The sex is so great, that you actually quit watching television – you throw the tube right out of the room.

Chris: Really??

Vince: Uh-huh.

Will: Yeah. It’s all truth. And.. you completely stop masturbating. There’s no reason to any more, you’re so in love.

Vince: Yeah, and her breath gets better, too. You don’t have to breathe through your mouth to kiss her any more.

Will: Get ready for long make-out sessions, partner!

Chris: Wow! That would be awesome, man! ‘Cause right now Katie’s not into kissing too much.

Will: Hey, watch things change! I’ll tell you what’s really great about marriage – you never ever think about old girlfriends again.

Vince: Yeah, you don’t feel that urge to call them on the phone just to hear their voice on the outgoing message any more.

Chris: You still look at other women, though, don’t you?

Will: Why?? You have everything you need waking up next to you, day in and day out! My wife’s panties just keep getting bigger and better!

Vince: The other thing is, too, until I got married, I had absolutely no idea how much fun it was to talk about money.

Chris: Really??

Vince: Mmm-hmm.

Chris: Money? I mean, Katie and I almost got into a fistfight over joint checking.

Will: You know what they say, Chris: “Marriage eradicates defensiveness.”

Vince: And criticism. I mean, once you’re married, you don’t feel that urge to criticize your wife’s lack of education in front of a group of male friends.

Will: It’s true! The beauty of marriage is that you’re free from thoughts like, “God, I just want to run away.” Or, “I want to empty my bank account and just run off, to a small college town, under an assumed name, and live with a young girl in a cotton sundress.”

Vince: And here’s the best thing of all – after you’re married, you will not believe how close you grow to your wife’s family.

Will: Yeah. It’s almost scary how much you look forward to the time you spend with them. I mean, I can’t wait for the holidays! [ loudly ] Hey, I love my wife’s mother!

Chris: I hope that happens, because Katie’s mom is being such a jerk about the wedding!

Vince: Ah, forget about it! For some reason, on your wedding day, all your mother-in-law’s horrible traits will just.. [ snaps finger ] ..vanish!

Will: Yeah. The whole day is stress-free. There won’t be any weather problems.. the band shows up on time.. and the photographer doesn’t forget to get a shot of you and your grandfather, who dies a week later.

Vince: And you still have the energy to make sweet, beautiful love to your new wife at the end of the evening, six or eight times!

Will: It’s not like you have an all-out brawl about the next day’s travel plans, and you.. fall asleep on the floor in the corner, alone, holding a champagne bottle and wondering if you married a control freak!

Vince: Marriage is a wonderful dream, Chris. It’s a wonderful, wonderful dream.

Chris: You guys make it sound really cool, man. I’m psyched! I gotta go to the bathroom, though.

[ Chris exits scene, leaving Will and Vince alone to think about what they’ve done ]

Vince: Should we tell him the truth?

Will: Nobody told me – screw him.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 8

98h: Vince Vaughn / Lauryn Hill

Pimp Chat

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald…..Tract Morgan
Pimpin’ Kyle…..Tim Meadows
White Chocolate…..Vince Vaughn

Announcer: Live, from the back of a Rolls-Roylce limosine parked outside Club Sugar Shack, at Nelson Ave. and Harlem, it’s “Pimp Chat”, starring Bishop Don “Mack” Donald.

[ dissolve to interior, limosine, Bishop Don “Mack” donald sitting next to Pimpin’ Kyle ]

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: That’s right. I’m Bishop Don “Mack” Donald, and you’re watching “Pimp Chat”! Because, whether you’re a pimp, a mack, a player, a hustler, a prostitute, a hooker or a ho, the game remains the same: you must get paid! Now, tonight I’m joined by one of the most respected playas in the town – Pimpin’ Kyle!

Pimpin’ Kyle: Hey, Bishop, how you doin’, baby?

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Fine, Pimpin’ Kyle. Now, exactly how did you get into pimpin’?

Pimpin’ Kyle: Well, you know, after junior high school, I decided to get a phD.

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: What’s that? You got a phD?!

Pimpin’ Kyle: Yeah, man – a Pimpin’ Hos Degree!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Aw, man! It’s not often that a playa bounce back the way you did! Tell us how you overcome a personal tragedy.

Pimpin’ Kyle: Well, you know, man, in 1984, I was shot in the groin with a shotgun..

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Dig it!

Pimpin’ Kyle: But God spared my life that day, man..

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Hold tight!

Pimpin’ Kyle: Gave me another chance to do what he put me on this earth to do!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: What’s that?

Pimpin’ Kyle: To pimp!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Mmm!

Electrinoc Voice: Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Uh-oh! You know what that means! It’s time for Pimp of Da Month! Now, remember, all of these nominees receive a set of Lee Press-On Gold Teeth. Pimpin’ Kyle, tell us who the first Runner-Up is!

Pimpin’ Kyle: Pimp of Da month, First Runner-Up.. is the Exxon Corporation, who recently made mobil Oil their bitch!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: That’s a good choice! But our Pimp of Da Month Award goes to Mr. Ghetto-Fabulous himself – the man who turned pimpin’ into politics! President Bill Clinton!

Pimpin’ Kyle: And the Prez deserves lots of credit for making Ken Starr his bitch!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Hey! Dig this here – Pimpin’ Kyle, we got a special guest who covers some prestigious pimp territory! From the Walgreen’s over on Smith and 9th St. to the Gray’s Papaya at 114th and Lennox. Please welcome Mr. White Chocolate!

[ White Chocolate steps into the limosine ]

White Chocolate: Oh, wassup there, “Mack” Donald!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Oh, man! you a playa!

White Chocolate: You got some White Chocolate inside this ride, brotha!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: That’s right!

White Chocolate: What’s up, Pimpin’ Kyle!

Pimpin’ Kyle: What’s up there, White Chocolate?

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Yeah, dig this here! We knew each other for many years! But I’ll ask you something: is it hard to be a white pimp?

White Chocolate: Aw, hell no, brotha! ‘Cuz I got me some mad pimpin’ skills!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Dig it!

White Chocolate: I may be Caucasian, but I’m like the John Stockton of this here gang!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Ha, say what!

White Chocolate: All I do is give some no-looks passes, and just dish off some hos, brotha!

Pimpin’ Kyle: Man, you ain’t no pimp – you just a safe haven for some hos!

White Chocolate: Whatchoo talkin’ about, punk?! You the Baltic Ave. of this board, you talkin’ to Park Place, baby! I didn’t come here so some honky bill wannabe try to show me no props! Pimps in the front, hos in the back, and chump in the trunk, brotha!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Hey, hey, hey! Don’t playa hate! Do not playa hate in my caddy! Playas participate!

Pimpin’ Kyle: [ to White Chocolate ] Alright, baby, you all right!

White Chocolate: Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about, Kyle!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Now, dig it! Tell us, when did you get serious about this here gang?!

White Chocolate: Well, when the brotha saw that I was down for real..

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Dig it!

White Chocolate: Then they sorta took me under their wing!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right!

White Chocolate: You know what I’m talkin’ about!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Mmm-hmm.

White Chocolate: So then I got, you know, my skisms under my belt..

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right.

White Chocolate: How to dress!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right.

White Chocolate: How to finesse!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right.

White Chocolate: Then all them bitches wanna come jump on my pimp train! ‘Cause I’m the engine, all them hos are the cabooses! I’m always in motion, baby, just like the ocean! All them hos wanna come and get some of this White Chocolate! pimpin’ love potion, brotha!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right on, I’m hip. [ turns toward the window ] Hold on for a minute, fellas, hold up.. hold on. [ rolls down window ] BITCH, you got my MONEY??!! I’m not playin’!! [ pulls back in ] Anyway, Mr. White Chocolate, supposin’ there are some hos out there watchin’ tonight, who want to get on your trizzack!

White Chocolate: Right, right, right..

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: How would they go be able to contact you?

White Chocolate: Well, Mr. White Chocolates can always be reached at my baby’s mother’s house!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right.

White Chocolate: Or you can call me on my cellular phone. I got my central phones on. Sometimes I’m hooked up with that cordless phone.

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Dig it.

White Chocolate: I keep my faxes on.

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Right.

White Chocolate: I got my voicemails on.

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Mmm-hmm.

White Chocolate: Or you can reach me on my new interent address – it’s.. www.bitchbetterhavemyloot.com!

Bishop Don “Mack” Donald: Ha! White Chocolate, Pimpin’ Kyle, I wish I could chat with you a little bit longer, but this is all the time we have. Until next week on “Pimp Chat”, play on!

White Chocolate: Play on, brotha!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 6

98h: Vince Vaughn / Lauryn Hill

Weekend update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer

[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]

Colin Quinn: Ah folks, stop. All right, folks! Thanks folks! I appreciate that, but…

Let’s talk about our friends, the Republicans, all right? The Republicans are having a breakdown right now, they’ve gone mad with the impeachment thing. They can’t let it go, it’s like an obsession; they’re stalking the President. You have fighters in Islamic jihads watching this, going, “Boy, these guys hold a grudge!” I mean, let it go, fellas, you know? The Republicans can’t believe that we’re not buying this. Clinton lied to the country, and we just don’t care! It’s like when they tried to sell professional soccer to Americans; no matter how right it seemed, we were just like, “Nope. Sorry. Just don’t like soccer.” You know?

Then this week, the Republicans brought out other people who lied under oath about having sex and went to jail for it, if you saw that. A female psychiatrist who performed oral sex on her male patients….Hey, if that doesn’t cure depression, nothing will. You know. It’s like alternative medicine, folks. Come on! The other witness was a female college basketball coach who slept with a girl from her team. Come on, if these two can’t get a presidential pardon from Bill Clinton…[no reaction] you know…whatever. That was…really nothing to say after that. One of these women…one of these women was found by Geraldo. You know the country’s in good shape when Geraldo Rivera is one of our government operatives.

They’re bringing out all these people who cheated, and Henry Hyde is in charge of all this, and he cheated more than anybody! They should have brought out Henry Hyde! He could’ve worked both sides of the hearing. “Did you cheat, Mr. Hyde? Yes I did, Mr. Hyde.” Then, they don’t know if they can get Clinton on impeachment or censure, so now they’ve invented something new: censure plus. That’s the best idea. They really did have that! That’s the best idea our elected officials can come up with: the same thing they used for the Dentyne campaign. All right? Censure with an extra drop of Retsyn. Let’s go do the news!

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Folks, really! Hello, I’m Colin Quinn.

Exxon announced this week…that it will buy Mobil for 76 billion dollars. It’s the biggest gas-and-oil merger since the Three Tenors.

When asked for a comment on the 76-billion-dollar merger, Bill Gates called the deal “cute.”

At the Democratic Leadership Council this week, Al Gore tested out a possible campaign slogan for his year 2000 run at the White House: “practical idealism.” Campaign officials feel it’s better than the old slogan, “Need…oil…can.”…His slogan is “practical idealism.” Boy, that gets you fired up, doesn’t it? It makes me want to run out and buy insurance or start saving rubber bands in a drawer.

Yesterday, former U.S. senator and New York Knick Bill Bradley took steps towards entering the presidential race for the year 2000. He already unveiled his slogan: “Don’t worry, I got all the strings I needed when I was on the road with Pearl and Clyde in ’72.”

In Jordan this week, Saddam Hussein’s half-brother, Brazin al-Tikriti, insisted that he was not at odds with the Iraqi president, and he has not joined the opposition….It’s gonna be a hell of a Ramadan at that house, huh? [imitating Brazin al-Tikriti] “What about al-Tikriti? It’s always Saddam, Saddam, Saddam!”

In the new Will Smith movie, Enemy of the State, Smith plays a lawyer who is spied on and pursued by the government. Time called the movie invasion-of-privacy themes “frightening”; Newsweek called the story “eerily realistic”; Linda Tripp called it “the feel-good movie of the year.” [some cheers and applause]…She’s all right!

In January, the Pope will meet privately with President Clinton at an Air National Guard hiring in St. Louis, or as the Pope is referring to it, “the world’s biggest confessional.”

This week, the Communist Party in Cuba voted to reinstate Christmas as a holiday for the first time in 30 years. Havana retailers predict the hot toys this season will be Tickle Me Castro and the Fideletubbies. [some applause]…Ain’t that adorable! All right.

In New York this week, Chopper 4, the local NBC news helicopter, crashed into the Passaic River, and the story was covered by the local ABC affiliate. The UPN rowboat also got several Polaroids of the incident. [applause]…Oh….Come on, they’re tryin’! They’re just startin’ out, folks.

In Brooklyn, a white teacher received death threats from parents after reading a book called Nappy Hair to her black students. Black leader Herbert Daughtry has entered the debate, defending the angry parents. Al Sharpton has not yet weighed in on this issue, but he has never been in favor of nappy hair. [some cheers and applause]

Sinead O’Connor and U2 have combined their talents to raise money for a charity album benefitting the victims of Northern Ireland’s worst bombing. Which would be the last albums of Sinead O’Connor and U2….Come on, folks. We’re all Irish. Lay off. Now look…

Rapper Coolio was found guilty in a German court this week of charges stemming from a confrontation with a boutique owner, who said Coolio punched her when she tried to stop him from taking merchandise without paying. Coolio’s defense was that he wasn’t stealing–he was sampling. [some groans]

A new release on smoking…ooh! See how upset I got, now? Look– A new study on smoking released this week shows that people who quit gain an average of 18 pounds. Tobacco executives are already lobbying for a new warning label on packs of cigarettes: “Warning: Quitting smoking may cause swelling of the ass and loneliness.” [applause]

A man known as “The Concrete King,” who has connections with the Genovese crime family, disappeared in New York this week after being charged with embezzling two million dollars. Police are on the lookout for a man wearing a building.

Telephone companies are looking to take advantage of the growing Hispanic market. Hispanic households spend 27 percent more time on the phone, and also get in 500 percent more words a call that everybody else….Good, clean fun, folks. Come on.

One of the most popular toys this Christmas season is the Harley-Davidson Barbie doll. The doll comes with bruises and detachable teeth.

And every Christmas there’s that one hot new toy that everybody has to have and play f– with it for a while, then they get tired of it. This year, of course: Carmen Electra. [mixed reaction]…Geez, you work at MTV? I’m the one that should be… [mutters something]

A New York tradition continued this week with the sixty-sith annual– [laughing at his slip-up] sixty-sith…66th…my head is…annual lighting ceremony of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Reporting live now from downstairs in Rockefeller Center is Lilith [cut to aerial view of Rockefeller Center] Fair stand-up comedian and “Weekend Update” [dissolve to closer view under the tree] correspondent, Cinder Calhoun.

[pan down to Cinder, who has chained herself to the tree]

Cinder: Hey Colin, it’s great to be here!

Colin: Cinder, what’s going on down there? I thought you were gonna do, like, an Al Roker thing and talk to the crowd.

Cinder: Colin, I would’ve loved to regale you with some spontaneous holi – holiday zingers, but frankly, I thought it was more important that I chain myself to this tree in protest of Christmas. [some cheers]

Colin: Now, what’s wrong with Christmas? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Cinder: Colin, Christmas is a Eurocentric, patriarchal celebration of materialism and waste, symbolized best by “Santa Claus,” the fascist white male who invades the fallopian tube of our chimney and emerges into our living rooms uninvited in his red suit like some kind of Mary afterbirth!

Colin: Well, you seem pretty worked up about this.

Cinder: Actually, Colin, I’m a pretty tolerant person. But the one thing I can’t tolerate is the cold-blooded killing of innocent trees in the name of holiday “fun”! So, I’ve written a song about it, [is handed a guitar] and…if I can get through it without crying, I think you’ll learn something. It’s called “Christmas Chainsaw Massacre.”

[song begins; jolly holiday music plays with Cinder playing her guitar shortly after]

“For unto us a tree was born
She cried and no one heard her
The only gifts the Wise Men brought were
Frankincense and murder
You jumped this spruce in a tinsel noose
To celebrate the Yuletide
But the tree you trim is a victim of
Evergreen genocide

O Tannenbaum, your life is gone
Ohhhh…

You swear that you’ve been good all year
On Santa’s lap at Macy’s
But with all the trees you’ve butchered
You’re just jolly John Wayne Gacy
So place those gifts beneath the tree
You stalked out in the darkness
Smell the pine-fresh Santa beds as you
Decorate the carcass

Drink your eggnog, wield your ax
You herbicidal maniac
Grab a spruce, raise a fir
It’s a Christmas chainsaw massacre!

It’s a massacre!
It’s a massacre!
It’s a massacre!
It’s a Christmas chainsaw massacre!” [end of song; cheers and applause as she holds the last word]

Colin: Cinder Calhoun, everybody! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 12th, 1998

Alec Baldwin

Luciano Pavarotti

Vanessa Williams

None

John Goodman

Lorne Miichaels

Andy Murphy
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) admits that he’s sorry for the impeachment trial.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: After giving a lackluster performance, Alec Baldwin is visited by the Ghost of SNL Past (John Goodman), who offers a glimpse of Jimmy Fallon hosting the show in 2011 and still making fun of him.

Also Hosted: 89r, 90n, 92m, 93m, 94h, 95k, 96n, 00p, 01r, 03f, 05h, 06e.

NBA On NBC

Morning LatteSummary: Tom Wilkins (Will Ferrell) and Cass van Rye (Cheri Oteri) make fun of their new pot-smoking producer (Alec Baldwin).

Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Transcript

CassidySummary: Six-year-old sick child, Cassidy (Alec Baldwin), looks too much like a man for a lovestruck clown (Molly Shannon) to resist.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: A look back at the Harlem Globetrotters’ first Christmas.

10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22Transcript

Luciano Pavarotti & Vanessa Williams perform “Adeste Fideles”

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Kwanzaa Timmy (Tim Meadows) sings an erotic holiday song.

Transcript

The Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) talk to baker Pete Schweddy (Alec Baldwin) talks about his Christmas balls.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

Impeachment HearingsSummary: Although President Bill Clinton’s (Darrell Hammond) opponents hate him, they still think he’s in the right.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, O.J. Simpson, Alan Dershowitz, Henry Hyde, Tom Brokaw, Barney Frank.

Chanukah Hymns

Bill Brasky on Wall StreetSummary: After a rough day on Wall Street, Bill Brasky’s buddies (Will Ferrell, Alec Baldwin, John Goodman) tell more outlandish tales of the brutal giant.

Recurring Characters: Hank, Ted, Buddy.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 9

98i: Alec Baldwin / Luciano Pavarotti & Vanessa Williams

10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22

Husband…..Alec Baldwin
Wife…..Ana Gasteyer

[Fade up to a living room, decorated for the holidays. A woman is sitting on the couch in front of a table with Christmas presents on it. As she finishes wrapping a gift, a man, presumably her husband, walks in from another room.]

Husband: Honey, have you finished all the Christmas shopping?

Wife: Just about. But I don’t know what to get your brother’s kids. So I thought I’d give ’em a call. [reaches for a phone on the table]

Husband: [stopping her] Well hey! Don’t dial direct! Now you can save four percent! [sits down on the couch with his wife]…Simply dial [numbers appear toward the bottom of the screen as he says them] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22! Then 1, the area code, and the number you’re [numbers disappear] calling!

Wife: You mean all I have to do is dial [numbers appear as she says them] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22, and I’ll save four percent on [numbers disappear] long distance?

Husband: You sure will! That means for every one hundred dollars you spend on long distance calls, you [shows four one-dollar bills] get to keep four dollars for you. And it’s easy to remember [numbers appear all at once] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22 when you break it down. [numbers disappear]

Wife: How do you do that?

Husband: Well, [numbers appear] 10-10 is just the number ten, twice. And what happened in [number appears] 1776?

Wife: It’s the year our great nation declared its independence.

Husband: That’s right. Now, do you remember the Indian Removal Act?

Wife: Was that the bill that allowed the removal of thousands of Native Americans off their land and onto reservations?

Husband: That’s the one! Do you know what day Andrew Jackson signed it into law?

Wife: I think it was in May of 1830.

Husband: May 28th, to be exact.

Wife: So that’s where the [numbers appear] “5-28-1830” fits in!

Husband: Precisely. Then, February of ’42, Roosevelt authorized that Japanese-Americans be pulled from their homes, and placed in internment camps.

Wife: That’s the [number appears] “242”!

Husband: Now you’re getting it! And what was ex-Oakland Raiders quarterback Daryle Lamonica’s number?

Wife: Eight?

Husband: No, you’re thinking of punter Ray Guy. He was number eight.

Wife: Oh yeah! Lamonica was [number appears] three!

Husband: Good. Now you’re back on track! And what happened on March 16th, 1968?

Wife: The My Lai Massacre, where over 40 innocent villagers were slaughtered! [numbers appear] 316-68!

Husband: Great! And finally, [number appears] 22…

Husband and Wife: The number of Moody Blues albums! [all numbers disappear]

Wife: When you put it that way, it’s easy to remember [numbers appear as she says them] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22!

Husband: So next time you want to make a long-distance call, just remember: [cut to the number 10 looking into a mirror; caption “10-10”] the number ten twice, [cut to a portrait of the Founding Fathers; caption “1776”] the origin of America, [cut to a split shot of black-and-white photos of Native Americans and Japanese-Americans; caption “5-28-1830-242”] the oppression of the Indians and Japanese-Americans, [cut to a Daryle Lamonica football card; caption “3”] Daryle Lamonica, [cut to a photo of the My Lai Massacre; caption “3-16-68”] the My Lai Massacre, [cut to several Moody Blues albums; caption “22”] the number of Moody Blues albums, and you’ll [cut back to the living room] be on your way to saving up to four percent on all your long-distance calls!

Wife: I only wish shopping for your family was as easy as dialing [numbers appear as she says them] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22!

Husband: I [numbers disappear] couldn’t agree more!

[wife laughs; husband scoops some egg nog for her, then scoops some for himself]

Announcer: Just dial [fade up “10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22/CALL TODAY AND SAVE” toward the middle of the screen] 10-10-1776-5-28-1830-242-3-316-68-22, and start saving up to four percent today!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 9

98i: Alec Baldwin / Luciano Pavarotti & Vanessa Williams

Cassidy

Cassidy….Alec Baldwin
Katie….Molly Shannon
Nurse Amy….Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with a shot of University Hospital. Cut to a hallway in which Katie dressed as a clown gives a kid in a wheelchair a balloon animal]

Katie: Ok, and that is for you to keep, Zack.

Zack: Oh, thanks.

Katie: I hope your leg gets better real soon. Ok? Whoo, whoo, whoo. [honks a horn] See you later, Zack. Bye.

[Zack leaves]

Nurse Amy: Katie?

Katie: Hi.

Nurse Amy: We’ve got one more little girl that would like to see you. Her name is Cassidy.

Katie: Great. I would love to meet Cassidy.

Nurse Amy: Ok, great. You should know though that Cassidy is a very unusual glandular condition. It makes her look a lot older than she is.

Katie: Well, how old is she?

Nurse Amy: Well, she’s 6. But because of her condition she looks a little unusual.

Katie: Listen, I’ve worked with a lot of kids and kids are just kids. So, no problem.

Nurse Amy: Ok, great.

[Katie and Nurse Amy walk into Cassidy’s room]

Nurse Amy: Hi Cassidy. How are you feeling?

[Cassidy is sitting on his bed covered in satin sheets. Also Cassidy wears a silk robe and is an attractive middle age man]

Cassidy: I feel pretty good.

Nurse Amy: Cassidy, this is Katie the clown. Would you like to play with her for a few minutes?

Cassidy: [seductively] Oh, please. Can I?

Nurse Amy: I’ll leave you two alone.

Katie: Ok, wait a minute. Uh, this is the little girl? This is Cassidy?

Nurse Amy: Yes.

Cassidy: I’m Cassidy. I’m this many. [holds up 6 fingers]

Katie: Oh, that’s a really nice bed.

Nurse Amy: Cassidy’s skin is very sensitive. We found that she could only sleep on black satin sheets.

Katie: Ok, ok.

Nurse Amy: I’ll see you in a few minutes, Cassidy.

Cassidy: I love you Nurse Amy.

[Nurse Amy leaves]

Katie: Whoo, ok. Hi, Cassidy. My name is “Clown Katie” and I like to visit sick boys and sick girls at the hospital to make them feel better.

Cassidy: [with lust] I think you’re pretty.

Katie: Oh, well, thank you, thank you very much. [embarrassed] That’s very nice of you. Cassidy, why don’t you tell me what your favorite animal is?

Cassidy: Well, I like kittens because they’re soft. [lustful look]

Katie: Well, guess what? I am going to make you a ballon kitty. Ok, oh, whoa. [Katie starts shaping the balloon but only rubs it like a sausage while looking at Cassidy]

Cassidy: God, I feel so hot. [opens his silk pajamas exposing his hairy chest] I feel so hot, I feel so hot, oh.

Katie: [caving in to the lust] What?

Cassidy: Oh, I feel really, really hot.

Katie: Maybe you have a fever. [touches Cassidy’s forehead] Oh, God. I’ll just…I’ll just…call the nurse and maybe….Oh, my God!

[Katie kisses Cassidy in the mouth. Feverish passion, climbs on top and she dry humps Cassidy, moans of pleasure while they go at it on the hospital bed]

[Nurse Amy enters]

Nurse Amy: Oh, my God! What are you doing, Miss Benjamin??!! That is a 6 year old girl!!

[Katie climbs off of Cassidy]

Katie: I’m sorry. It’s just… it’s not what it looks like.

Nurse Amy: Cassidy, are you ok?

Cassidy: I’m fine.

Nurse Amy: I ought to have you banned from this hospital for life!

Over loudspeaker: Code Blue! Room 281. Code Blue! Room 281.

Nurse Amy: Damn it. I want you out of this room when I get back. [leaves]

Katie: [embarrassed] I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Cassidy. [turns to leave]

Cassidy: Hey, don’t leave.

Katie: No, I, I have to leave. I’ve made a very, very bad mistake.

Cassidy: [sad] People say I’m a freak.

Katie: Oh, no Cassidy. Cassidy, no. [sits next to Cassidy] You are not a freak.

Cassidy: Will you paint a butterfly on my face? Please, before you go?

Katie: Oh, ok.

Cassidy: Will you sit up on the bed with me?

Katie: [tempted] I can’t Cassidy. It’s very inappropriate.

[Cassidy sobs]

Katie: Oh. [sits next to Cassidy]

Cassidy: I miss my mommy.

Katie: Oh, Cassidy. No, don’t you cry. You’ll be able to see your mommy very, very soon. Ok? Ok? [getting horny as hell] Oh, God! Look at you! [kisses Cassidy passionately, humping resumes again]

[Nurse Amy enters again]

Nurse Amy: Miss Benjamin! Miss Benjamin! Get off of her! She is a six year old girl!

[Katie gets off of Cassidy]

Katie: Sorry, sorry. God, why? Cassidy, you’re the first person that’s made me feel attractive since my divorce. That’s made me feel sexy. Why are you a little girl? Why?

Nurse Amy: Get out!

Katie: Why?!

[Nurse Amy pushes Katie out of the room]

Nurse Amy: Are you all right, Cassidy?

Cassidy: I think so…Nurse Amy. [horny looks]

[Nurse Amy climbs on top of Cassidy and kisses him passionately, dry humps too, moaning]

Narrator: Katie Benjamin was banned from the hospital for life. And she never again volunteered as a children’s clown. But what Katie never knew was that 2 weeks later, after an extremely simple and long overdue physical examination Cassidy was proven to be a 42 year old man. Ain’t love a kick in the pants?

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts