For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Sting/Steven Tyler
…..Sting
…..Steven Tyler
Sting: In 1990, I began a decade-long tantric orgasm, that is expected to culminate on January the 1st of 2000, causing power outages and computer failures all over the world.
Steven Tyler: So, here’s some of the music they played on “Saturday Night Live” during Sting’s orgasm.
Seinfeld/Bowie
…..Jerry Seinfeld
…..David Bowie
[ Jerry Seinfeld and David Bowie stand onstage together ]
Jerry Seinfeld: So, uh.. Chris Rock tells me you have a black wife.
David Bowie: Iman. Yes.
Jerry Seinfeld: But, uh.. you’re English.. so..
David Bowie: Why are we out here together?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I’m hosting the show next week, and you’re the musical guest.
David Bowie: They like to have a couple of heavyweights to open the season?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, baby! It’s gonna be a big, big show!
David Bowie: Yep.
Jerry Seinfeld: You gonna sing.. uh.. “Changes”?
David Bowie: Yeah. Are you gonna do the, uh.. “lost sock” bit?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah.
David Bowie: [ nods ] See you next week.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah.. yeah See you. [ turns to the audience ] And now, The Eurthmics!
David Bowie: They’re good!
Adam Sandler
…..Adam Sandler
…..Rob Smigel
…..Jim Downey
…..Tim Herlihy
Adam Sandler: Hello. I like that. That was excellent. I’m Adam Sandler, and, uh.. thank you. “Saturday Night Live”. Wow. What a great show. This is unbelievable. All these great people here. You know, a few years ago I used to be on this show, and that was a great time. And, uh.. a lot of people used to be on the show. And I’m sure they had a great time, too. [ pause ] Some people are still on this show.. and I bet they’re having a blast, also. Sketches.. and talking about funny things. A lot of good times. Uhh.. after the shows, uh.. sometimes, I would go with the other people who were on the show to the.. to the after the show parties.. and that was a good time, too.. yeah.. funny things and parties. And all the people.. all the people who have been on the show, that was.. so many people. So many funny things happened. [ awkward pause ] I’m sorry.. I’m not good at talking. Uh.. usually, when I was on the show, I didn’t write what I said. Other guys would write it for me, and that was.. that was probably better than what I’m doing now. So, why don’t I ask three great writers, who wrote a lot of stuff for me, to come bail me out. Uh.. Mr. Jim Downey, Mr. Rob Smigel, Mr. Tim Herlihy.
[ Rob Smigel, Jim Downey and Tim Herlihy step out and stand behind Adam ]
Alright. Fellas, can you help me out, fellas? Can you give me a little something.
[ Jim Downey whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: “Saturday Night Live”, ain’t no jive!
[ Rob Smigel whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: [ laughs ] Other shows think they’re great, but they’re not!
[ Tim Herlihy whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: Okay.. “SNL” rules. And so does Ricky Martin.
[ Jim Downey whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: I’m making, like, $200 million for my next movie, and I’m not giving any to these guys.
[ Rob Smigel whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: 25 years.
[ Rob Smigel whispers the rest of the line into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: Holy moly!
[ Tim Herlihy whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: Alright.. I should use my show biz power to get my friends backstage passes to a Ricky Martin concert.
[ Jim Downey whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: [ chuckles ] Alright.. Hebby-hebby-hoo! Hebba-hebba-hoo! Hebby-hebba-hoo!
[ Rob Smigel whispers the corrected line into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: [ laughs ] Habababa! Spuuu!
[ Tim Herlihy whispers into Adam’s ear, making a sad face ]
Adam Sandler: Ricky Martin shouldn’t be so hasty with his fancy temporary restraining orders. Maybe if he took a minute to get to know somebody, he wouldn’t be so frightened.
[ Jim Downey whispers into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: Now, here are some music from our favorite decade, the 80’s.
[ Rob Smigel pbbts into Adam’s ear ]
Adam Sandler: Pbbt!
Gilda Radner Tribute
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Molly Shannon
Cheri Oteri: Gilda Radner was every young girl’s comedy idol.
Molly Shannon: Watching Gilda taught us the three most important things about comedy. If you’re gonna bang into a wall, you gotta do it like you mean it.
Cheri Oteri: Yeah. And don’t worry about looking geeky, because you can lok pretty later at the party.
Molly Shannon: Right. And don’t ever be afraid to let people see your underpants.
Cheri Oteri: Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm. Now, here’s a clip that is just like Gilda herself.
Molly Shannon: Sweet.. and funny.
Tom Hanks Audience Q&A
…..Tom Hanks
…..Garth Brooks
…..Jon Lovitz
…..Christopher Walken
…..Sarah Michelle Geller
…..James van der Beek
…..Victoria Jackson
Tom Hanks: How do you do? Thank you very much. You know, I’ve hosted “SNL” seven times now, and what brings me back again and again and again is the excitement of doing a live show. For a film actor like myself, I don’t often get the chance to perform in front of a live audience –
Garth Brooks: [ interrupting from the audience ] Excuse me? Excuse me? Pardon me. [ laughing ] Hey, sorry. It’s live TV, man, I gotta ask you a question!
Tom Hanks: [ overjoyed ] Is this what I’m talking about, or what? I mean, anything can happen here, right? This is crazy! We weren’t even planning to take questions from the audience.. and yet! Okay! Yes! Country superstar Garth Brooks! What is your question?
Garth Brooks: Thank you! Sorry! [ laughing ] I’m just such a huge fan, dude! I’ve even got “Bachelor Party” on DVD, man, if you can believe that! I gotta ask you, man: what do you do with all the Oscars?
Tom Hanks: I get that question all the time. I have one on the bookcase, next to a picture of my kids.. I have one in the bathroom, you know, just to keep me humble.. and I have a line of them in the back of the garage, so that when I pull in, they reflect, and I don’t back into the wall.
[ cut to Jon Lovitz making himself very noticeable in the audience ]
Jon Lovitz: Tom! Tom! Tom!
Tom Hanks: Jon Lovitz, ladies and gentlemen. Jon Lovitz. Do you have a question?
Jon Lovitz: [ sucking up ] Yes, Tom, you are one of the greatest hosts of all time. So, I was wondering.. well, who is your favorite cast member that you ever got to work with?
Tom Hanks: Well, that’s a tough one.. but I’m gonna say.. Will Ferrell. That guy is gonna make it. Very talented. [ moving on as Jon fumes ] Yes. Yes. You, sir?
[ cut to Christopher Walken in the audience ]
Christopher Walken: Hi.. I-I.. wanted to know.. I wanted to know how much of the show is scripted.. and how much of it is.. crazy make-em-ups.. and.. you know.. ad libs.. improvs?
Tom Hanks: A legitimate question. Contrary to popular belief, the show is not improvised. SNL has a great staff of writers who craft every line of the show.
Christopher Walken: Really? Because.. when I host.. I just say.. whatever I want. I free-associate.. and I make up the skits and bits right there.. and.. people seem to enjoy it.
Tom Hanks: [ dismayed ] Well.. you’re a special exception..
Christopher Walken: [ continuing ] One.. one time.. we did a sketch about a birthday party.. and I decided on-air that my character should have a French accent and rub himself. Julia Sweeney got very upset.. very upset.
Tom Hanks: Yeah, I’ve heard that they can never rerun that show.
[ cut to Jon Lovitz wacing frantically from the audience ]
Jon Lovitz: Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom!
Tom Hanks: Next question, Jon Lovitz.
Jon Lovitz: [ trying again ] Now, Tom, you are the greatest host of all time. So, if you had to hoose your favorite performer from the cast I was in, who would it be?
Tom Hanks: Was Will Ferrell in the same cast as you?
Jon Lovitz: No!
Tom Hanks: Well, then.. I don’t.. I don’t know.. Next question. Yes.
[ Sarah Michelle Geller stands in the audience ]
Sarah Michelle Geller: Excuse me, Mr. Hanks? Uh.. when you say it’s the 25th anniversary, you don’t mean 25 years, do you?
Tom Hanks: [ dumbfounded ] Yes. Yes. Yeah, the show is entering its 25th year.
James van der Beek: [ standing ] You see, I told you.
Sarah Michelle Geller: Man, that’s old! That’s like Jason Priestly old!
James van der Beek: My mom said I was actually born during a Coneheads sketch.
Tom Hanks: You kids! Now, no drinking at the party, I mean it!
[ cut to Victoria Jackson in the audience ]
Victoria Jackson: Tom? I have a question?
Tom Hanks: Hey! Victoria Jackson, everybody!
Victoria Jackson: Um.. I’m a big fan of the show and everything, but I was just wondering: whatever happened to me.
Tom Hanks: Well.. you, uh.. you divorced that fireeater guy, you married a cop, and you had a baby, and you’re living in Florida, and every now and then you show up on “Politically Incorrect”. I hear you’re very happy.
Victoria Jackson: Oh. Good, I’m glad!
[cut to angry, fuming Jon Lovitz in the audience ]
Jon Lovitz: Tom!
Tom Hanks: Jon Lovitz!
Jon Lovitz: Tom!
Tom Hanks: Yes?
Jon Lovitz: [ sarcastic ] If you like Will Ferrell so much, why don’t you marry him!
Tom Hanks: No, come on, Jon, what do you want me to do? You want me to lie and say, “Jon Lovitz is my favorite cast member..”?
Jon Lovitz: [ exubirent ] He said it! He said it! Yes! Did you hear him! Thank you! Jon Lovitz is his favorite cast member! Jon Lovitz! Oscar winner Tom Hanks! And we’re best friends!
Tom Hanks: Alright, enough, that’s enough. Here are some highlights from the current cast, including my favorite performer Will Ferrell.
Paul Simon
…..Paul Simon
Paul Simon: What made “Saturday Night Live” unique when it debuted was the combination of cutting edge comedy with the best of popular music. And even though the 70’s are a much-maligned decade, it was the decade that saw the rise of the singer-songwriter, the advent of disco, the birth of new wave and punk rock – all of which could be seen on this show. Here’s a sample of musical guests from 1975 through 1979. Um..by the way, on a personal note – in retrospect, the moustache was a mistake. To Lorne, I’d like to say, “Thanks for the great ride!”
Nick the Lounge Singer
Nick Thinblood…..Bill Murray
…..Paul Shaffer
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…..Dan Aykroyd
Niece Natasha…..Laraine Newman
[ open on Paul Shaffer pounding the keys of his piano at the opening of the Omagawli Casino ]
Nick Thinblood V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. the Entertainment Division of the Omagawli Nation proudly welcomes you to the opening of its Exhibition Hall/Antique Car Show/Moving Casino! We’re proud to introduce to you, without reservation, our host for the festivities for this evening, Mr. Nick Thinblood!
[ Nick Thinblood steps out ]
Nick Thinblood: [ singing ]“Omagawli people!
Omagawli tribe
So proud to win
So proud to double-down and let it ri-ide!”
Pinch me, somebody, yeah! What a hot night, thank you! Thank you! 7-come-11, we’re gonna have a hot time tonight! I’m Nick Thinblood – originally Nick Ansara, but I changed my name to the Omagawli Thinblood when I found I was 1/256th Omagawli. Which cuts me in on the Friends and Family profit-sharing, which we’re all crazy about! Hey! Are we gonna tear this place up tonight, Paul, or what?
Paul Shaffer: Yes, we are.
Nick Thinblood: You know, the Omagawli have been in this valley for 7,000 years – or maybe it just seems that way! And they’ve always been a gambling nation. Always been a gambler. They took a chance on the white man. I’m kidding! I’m kidding! That may not heal everything, but this is finally one red nation that’s gonna get into the black. What a glittery, glittery night we’ve got here for the Omagawli..
[ walks amongst the audience ]
Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God, celebrities, celbrities.. [ points to Jerry Seinfeld ] I know you! You’re.. uh.. you’re great, I love you, you’re fantastic! [ points to Cheri Oteri ] Oh, and you, when you do your thing and you fluff it up, that’s great, I love that!
[ points to Michael Douglas in the audience ]
Oh! I am such a huge fan.. of your father! Would you say hi to for me, because I really love him..
[ points to Catherine Zeta-Jones ]
Mrs. Zorro! Oh, God! [ to celebrity sitting next to her ] Excuse me.. excuse me, I’m light! [ sits down to talk to Zeta-Jones ] Oh, my God! And you have that great name! Jones! That’s great! Ah.. [ singing ] “Me and.. Cathy.. Zeta.. Zita?” Is it Zeta or Zita? Zeta? [ singing ] “Zeta, Zeta-Jones! Zeta-Jones! Zeta-Jones!” [ mimes fencing ] On guard! Hey, nice outfit, muchas gracias. Would you give my regards to Mr. Don Diego del a Vega for me? Thank you very much!
[ Nick makes his way through the audience to get back ot the stage, but stops when he sees Drew Barrymore ]
Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God, look at the profile on this one. Runs in the family, huh? [ to the stage ] Could you turn off my mike for one second? [ kneels in front of Drew ] We’re so glad you cleaned up! [ to the stage ] Mike back on! Mike back on! [ to Drew ] I’d like to dedicate something for you.. [ singing ] “Don’t go chasing waterfalls.. please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.. I know that you’re gonna have it your weay or nothing at all.. but I think you’re moving too fast!” You take, little Precious, okay?
[ Nick returns to the main stage as entrance music pots up ]
Nick Thinblood: Oh, excuse me! I’d like to give an introduction to somebody who needs an introduction, because.. all of you are celebrities, but none of you are a chief. And, quickly – a chief does not receive a standing ovation. Uh.. this man is a visionary, he’s a seer.. he’s a developer, a contractor to the Notary Republic. Please welcome the ??Tuti Koppel?? of the Omagawli, Mr. Jimmy Joe Red Sky. Chief Red Sky!
[ Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky enters stage with his Niece ]
Nick Thinblood: Good eveing, Chief. And who is this lovely young maiden.
Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Oh, this is my lovely niece, Natasha Metzer.
Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God.. Jimmy Joe is like the Donald Trump of the Omagawli nation, is that right?
Niece Natasha: Donald Trump, ha! New money. You know, he’s got a couple of buildings, he knows Butkus. You know, Jimmy Joe’s great uncle, he used to own all of Manhatten and the five bouroughs.
Nick Thinblood: [ laughs ]
Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: They lost it all on a lacrosse game, but it’s a great night tonight. And I want to thank our local congressman, Chris Dodd, for giving us that lovely freeway off-ramp which got everybody to the casino in record time tonight!
Niece Natasha: Go ahead, honey, tell them why.
Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, we got that off-ramp because, I’m proud to say, the Omagawli tribe was provided with the opportunity to underwrite the government funding for the entire Kosovo War!
Nick Thinblood: Oh, that’s great! Leave it to the Omagawli to still trust the white man. I love that! Hey, Chris Dodd, too, how about that? Hey, have you had any luck here this opening week, Chief?
Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, Nick, you tend to have a good bit of luck when you own the asino.
Nick Thinblood: [ laughs ] I love it! you two have a great time tonight at the Cheyenne Suite!
[ Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky and his Niece exit the stage ]
Nick Thinblood: So special. So special. Okay, hold it, hold it, hold it. [ walks up to Garrett Morris in the audience ] Here’s that Standing O you’ve all been waiting for – one of the original “Saturday Night Live” guys, Mr. Garrett Morris, everybody! [ the audience stands and applauses ] It’s all for you, G-Man! [ quiets the audience down ] I’ve got to continue! I have to finish here! Please! What’s opening night doing for you, Garrett?
Garrett Morris: Uh.. blackjack tables bin berry berry good to me!
Nick Thinblood: Alright! Alright! You know, you “SNL” guys are having your own party tonight. 25-year anniversary, how about that, huh?
Garrett Morris: Yeah, Nick, you know what? I bet this show is gonna go on for another 25 years.
Nick Thinblood: Oh, say Amen to that, man.
Garrett Morris: Amen! Amen! Halleluah!
Nick Thinblood: [ singing ]
“In the year 2525
if network television can survive
and if Lorne Michaels is still alive
there will be a “Saturday Night Live”.”
Garrett Morris: Hey.. hey.. lookie here, you know what? That was better than the original!
Nick Thinblood: Oh, you’re too kind, Soul Man! You know, it occurs to me that “SNL” and the Omagawli have something in common. I mean, at one time we were both very culturally important, and then trashed, and then on the bottom, spat upon, and now rising again like a phoenix in the ashes. I don’t think it matters what people out there think, I think it means a lot what happens.. [ taps his chest ] ..in here. You know what I’m saying? Right in here.
[ returns to stage, singing “Badlands” ]
“For the ones who had a notion,
A notion deep inside,
That it ain’t no sin to be glad you’re alive
I wanna find one face that ain’t looking through me
I wanna find one place,
I wanna spit in the face of these badlands!”
Garrett! Help me with a pause for the cause, Garrett Morris!
[ Garrett appears in an oval on the left side of the screen ]
Garrett Morris: Sure!
Nick Thinblood: A little something for the hearing-impaired, would you mind?
Garrett Morris: Sure, Nick, right on, man!
Nick Thinblood: Live..!
Garrett Morris: Live..!
Nick Thinblood: ..from New York..!
Garrett Morris: ..from New York..!
Nick Thinblood: ..it’s Saturday Night!
Garrett Morris: ..it’s Saturday Ni-ight!
Chris Rock’s Monologue
…..Chris Rock
Chris Rock: Thank you! Welcome to the show, I’m out here because somebody had to do it. And I guess they thought I would be the best guy for it. “Saturday Night Live”, 25 years on the air – and, uh.. four funny, so.. I mean, who are we kidding, come on!
I look around this room, look at the star power. Look at the comedic genius. I’m looking at some of the most overrated people in the history of comedy! Some of the worst movies ever made were made by people in this room! Thank God we’re gonna do what we all do best – television!
Okay, we got a great show for you tonight! We’ve got.. The Eurythmics are here! We’ve got The Beastie Boys, Elvis Costello! Al Green! Everybody’s here! Thank you!
Mike Myers
…..Mike Myers
Mike Myers: Thank you! When I joined the cast in 1989, I was the new guy in a group that had been together for three years. I had to make new friends, I didn’t have an office, Nora Dunn kept calling me Mark. She still does. She did it tonight.
But then you do your work, time flies, and one day you look around and you’re one of the guys, and you’re a senior. And then you see the new new guy, nervous, trying to write his first Update feature, and your heart says, “Wow! I must destroy him.”
Here are some clips from the years 1985-1990. I’m the fresh-faced, auburn-haired lad near the end.
Meadows/Morris
…..Garrett Morris
…..Tim Meadows
Garrett Morris: Hi. I’m Garrett Morris, and this is my son Timothy Matthews.
Tim Meadows: It’s Meadows.
Garrett Morris: Uh.. uh.. Meadows! Meadows! Uh, yes.. you know, 25 years ago, when I worked for this show, the writers just didn’t seem to be able to come up with material for me, a black man. You know what I mean?
Tim Meadows: Yes, well, it’s different now at the new Afro-friendly NBC.
Garrett Morris: Oh, really?
Tim Meadows: [ pulls out card ] Actually, here, they want you to read that.
Garrett Morris: [ reads card ] “Ladies and gentlemen, Reverand Al Green.”