SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 10

94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson

Gay Stripper Theater

Ryan Shiraki…..Jeff Daniels
Kevin’s Father…..Chris Farley
Bruce…..Tim Meadows
Dave…..Kevin Nealon
Mark…..Adam Sandler
Shane…..Michael McKean
Talent Scout…..Jay Mohr
Scott…..Mike Myers
Boyfriend…..Fred Wolf

FADE IN:

[ CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYS OVER A PURPLE CURTAIN GRAPHIC ]

[ TITLE CARD: GAY STRIPPER THEATER ]

[ INT. STUDIO – NIGHT ]

[ Host RYAN SHIRAKI, sporting a mullet with suit and tie, sits at a bartable holding a glass of scotch. An ashtray and basket of peanuts are in front of him. ]

Ryan Shiraki: Hello, I’m Ryan Shiraki and welcome to “Gay StripperTheater”. In our first scene titled “Hitting My Stride” — Scott, a gaystripper, puts it all together and puts on the best performance of hislife. Let’s take a look…

[ INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT ]

[ MUSIC: SNOOP DOGG’S “WHAT’S MY NAME?”]

[ Several patrons sit near the stage as SCOTT, a curly-haired gay stripperwearing short, tight leather, does his routine as flamboyantly as he can.The crowd cheers as he exits. ]

[ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Ryan Shiraki: Well, he was gay and he certainly knew how to strip! In ournext scene, Bruce lives out every gay stripper’s worst nightmare. Let’swatch — Uh oh! — Mom and Dad are in the audience!

[ Shiraki chuckles. ]

[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]

[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]

[ The patrons watch and cheer as BRUCE, dressed in a revealing cowboycostume, dances a jig and strips. He notices his parents in the front. ]

Bruce: Mom! Dad! Can’t you see I’m not Rodney!? I’m not and I never will be!!

[ Bruce tearfully leaves the stage as his parents shake their heads. The crowd applauds. ]

[ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Ryan Shiraki: That’s right, Mr. & Mrs. Bruce’s parents — deal with it!

[ Shiraki chuckles. ]

Ryan Shiraki: Let’s move onto our next scene entitled “The Talent Scouts are Here!” Mark, a gay stripper, has been practicing for this night for the past three weeks. The only problem is he fell asleep in a chair and woke up with a stiff neck!

[ Shiraki chuckles. ]

Ryan Shiraki: Let’s take a look at this stiff-necked gay stripper!

[ Shiraki chuckles. ]

[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]

[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]

[ The patrons watch as MARK, in tattered jeans and mesh tank top, beginshis routine. He performs without trouble on his right side, but can barelymove his left side. A TALENT SCOUT and his assistant take notes. Mark canhardly stand the pain. He removes his belts, struggles to place it betweenhis crotch and ass and gyrates the belt until it’s too much. ]

Mark: Oh damn this stiff neck!! This is the worst night of my life!!!

[ Mark tearfully leaves the stage as the crowd cheers. ]

[ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Ryan Shiraki: Well Mark, you’ve got a killer body, you had great moves;but the problem was your neck was too stiff!!

[ Shiraki chuckles. ]

Ryan Shiraki: Our next scene is entitled “What Are You Doing with Him?”Moments before his performance — Dave, a gay stripper, finds out hisboyfriend is in the crowd with another man. Let watch…

[ Shiraki grins. ]

[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]

[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]

[ DAVE, in low-low cut Army fatigues, comes out to dance and gets cheersfrom the crowd. He frowns as he notices his lover SHANE with anotherBOYFRIEND. He does his dance and flips off Shane Italian-style. Shane putshis arm around the boyfriend. Dave smacks his backside for Shane to noticewhile leaving. ]

Dave: And one another thing Shane – you can kiss this goodbye!

[ Shane laughs and applauds while the boyfriend rolls his eyes. The crowd cheers. ]

[ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Ryan Shiraki: I guess that gay stripper is now officially available! Ourfinal scene tonight, “The Substitute”, is a heartwarming tale of loyaltyand sacrifice. A gay stripper, Kevin, twists his ankle at dance practiceand cannot perform that night. With Kevin’s gay stripping job at stake,his father steps in to save the day. Let’s take a look…

[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]

[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]

[ KEVIN’S FATHER, wearing boxers and a tank top, “bunny-hops” to thecenter stage and does a 1930’s stripper routine. He struggles to keep hisboxers from falling off. He stops and points to the crowd. ]

Kevin’s Father: MY SON’S A GAY STRIPPER!! AND BY GOD I LOVE THE BOY!!

[ He departs to a roaring crowd. ]

[ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Ryan Shiraki: That’s “Gay Stripper Theater” for this week! Good night!

[ Shiraki grins. ]

[ CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYS OVER A PURPLE CURTAIN GRAPHIC ]

[ TITLE CARD: GAY STRIPPER THEATER ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 10

94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson

Film Beat

Ted Davis…..Chris Elliot
…..Jeff Daniels
Mark’s Voice…..Michael McKean

Caption: FILM BEAT

[Opens with Ted and Jeff sitting in directors chairswith a TV screen behind them. Two rows of black andwhite pictures of Jeff Daniels performances from hismovies are on the set]

Ted Davis: Hi and welcome to Film Beat. I’m Ted Davis.No relation to Betty. Ha,ha,ha. And with me today isJeff Daniels. A very versatile actor now starring withJim Carrey in the hit comedy “Dumb and Dumber”. Whichone were you? He, he, he…

Jeff Daniels: Well, I mean there wasn’t really much…

Ted Davis: No, no, no, that was the title, right?

Jeff Daniels: Right.

Ted Davis: But I got ya’.

Jeff Daniels: You did, you did. Yep.

Ted Davis: Well, I think we have a clip from “Dumb andDumber”. Is that all cued up, Mark?

Mark: [off camera]Oh, yeah.

Ted Davis: Ok, great. So let’s take a look.”Dumb and Dumber”

[Cut to the scene in Dumb and Dumber were Jeffcharacter is panting and grunting in the bathroom,taking his pants and underwear off in a hurry andtaking a thunderous dump. His face contorts andflatulence and diarrhea sounds are heard. His facechanges to comfort and with a towel he fans out thewindow the unholy smell of his crap]

[Back to studio]

Ted Davis:[laughs]That is funny stuff. Very funny, Jeff.[pats Jeff leg]

Jeff Daniels:[amused but a little embarrassed] Yeah, well, not one of my proudest moments.

Ted Davis: Of course not.

Jeff Daniels: Hey, it was a nice change of pace.

Ted Davis: Sure. No, absolutely. Now look, let me askyou something. Last summer you starred in the big action hit “Speed”.

Jeff Daniels: Mm-mmm.

Ted Davis: Tell us about that one.

Jeff Daniels: Oh, right. Well, I play an explosivesexpert and Keanu Reeves is my partner and he’s in abus with a bomb and I’m trying to figure out a way tokeep it from blowing up.

Ted Davis: Wow. Ok, well I think we have a clip ofthat. Let’s take a look.

[They turn to look at the screen again. The same clipof Dumb and Dumber plays again. The thunderous crap scene]

[Back to studio]

Jeff Daniels:[confused look] I think there’s a….

Ted Davis: Wow! That was exciting. Boy, jeez. So Iguess the whole idea was that the stress caused yousome sort of gastrointestinal thing?

Jeff Daniels: Um, no. Actually, no. I think someonemade a mistake. That was the same clip from before.That was a scene from “Dumb and Dumber”.

Ted Davis:[surprised]Ok, um Jeff. Wow. Umm. Let meswitch gears here for a second. I want to talk alittle bit about your breakthrough role in one of myfavorite films “Terms of Endearment”.

Jeff Daniels: Sure.

Ted Davis: If we could.

Jeff Daniels: Well, I played a college professor whose wife was…

Ted Davis: Played by Debra Winger.

Jeff Daniels: Right. She’s diagnosed with cancer andthen she finds out I’m having an affair with a student.

Ted Davis: Yes, that was quite a moment. I remember.

Jeff Daniels: Yeah, yeah. People hated my characterfor cheating on a dying woman.

Ted Davis: Yeah, no I’m sure. I can imagine. Butironically if I remember correctly your character alsocame down with a little bit of an illness. Something.Little bit of Montezuma’s revenge. Let’s take a look.I think we have a clip.

Jeff Daniels: What?!

[Cut to scene of thunderous dump of Dumb and Dumber]

[back to studio]

Ted Davis: Well Jeff Daniels, Deborah Winger, “Termsof Endearment”. A lot of Oscars passed around. I don’tknow. How did you feel? I don’t want to say overlooked….

Jeff Daniels:[distressed] No, listen Ted. I thinkthere’s a problem with the clips.

Ted Davis: Mark, are we having problems with the clips?

Mark: [off camera] No problem.

Ted Davis: Ok, no problem with the clips. Ok, let meagain switch gears if I could for a second here.

Jeff Daniels:[getting angry] Yeah, yeah.

Ted Davis: Do you worry at all about being typecast?At all. I mean, do you worry about always being theguy in the toilet? I mean….Jeff “Diarrhea Head” Daniels.

Jeff Daniels: All right. Look, look….I think Ibetter just leave.[gets ready to leave, Ted holds his arm]Ted Davis: I’m sorry Jeff. Can you hold that thought?We have to break away for a commercial here and willbe right back after this commercial with Jeff “ToiletBoy” Daniels? So stay tuned.

[cut to thunderous dump scene of Dumb and Dumber]

[back to studio]

Ted Davis: Ok, so we’re back from commercials.

Jeff Daniels: That wasn’t a commercial!!

Ted Davis: Yes, it was.

Jeff Daniels: No!, no!

Ted Davis: It was a commercial.

Jeff Daniels: Well, what was it a commercial for?!!

Ted Davis: You know, I’m not sure. Let’s take another look.

Jeff Daniels: NO!!!

Ted Davis: Its…we could do it. It’s very easy to…

Jeff Daniels: No!

Ted Davis: Are you sure?

Jeff Daniels: No….fine.

Ted Davis: So what’s next for Jeffrey Daniels? Tell meabout it. What are you working on now?

Jeff Daniels: Well, as a matter of fact, I’m writing ascreenplay that I’m very excited about.

Ted Davis: Oh, that’s terrific, yeah. I think we havea clip of that. Let’s take a look.

Jeff Daniels: No, you don’t.

Ted Davis: Mark, do we have a clip of that?

Mark: [off camera] Absolutely.

Ted Davis: Ok, great.

Jeff Daniels: You don’t have a clip of a movie thathasn’t even been made yet!!!

Ted Davis: Oh, my dear Jeffrey. Then pray tell what might this be?

[Thunderous dump scene from Dumb and Dumber playsagain. Jeff is mortified. He covers his face, Tedlooks at him and enjoys watching him squirm]

Ted Davis: Ok, well Jeff. I think we’re just out oftime. Do you have any last words you’d like to leaveus with?

Jeff Daniels: Yeah, I really don’t know why you’redoing this. You know, I’ve never been treated in thisway. I mean, I really, really, really resent….[loudfart sound effects]

Ted Davis: Oh, no. Come on.[Fans his face, making itlook like Jeff is farting]

Jeff Daniels: I flew in here for this….I, I, Icould’ve said no….

[Film Beat logo appears. Frustrated Jeff keeps talkingto a uninterested Ted]

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 10

94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson

Entertainment Tonight

Mary Hart…..Laura Kightlinger
John Tesh…..Michael McKean
Ron Wood…..Mike Myers
Jodie Foster…..Janeane Garofalo
Liam Neeson…..Jeff Daniels

FADE IN

The “ET” bumper graphic comes accompanied by the “ET” theme music. MARY HART & JOHN TESH are seated at the news desk.

Mary Hart: Welcome back to “Entertainment Tonight”!

A still of Annette Bening appears on screen.

SUPER: ANNETTE BENING – 58

John Tesh: Celebrating birthdays today – Annette Bening is 58.

A still of Goldie Hawn ON/S.

SUPER: GOLDIE HAWN – 87

Mary Hart: Goldie Hawn is 87.

A still of Donna Mills ON/S.

John Tesh: And Donna Mills is a lucky 100 years old today!

Mary Hart: “Nell”, Jodie Foster’s new movie about a wild child of the woods who speaks her own language, has many in Hollywood speaking their own unique language – – English – – about another Oscar for the two-time Oscar winner to add to the two she already has – – making it an even three.

John Tesh: Our camera caught up with Jodie, and her co-star Liam Neeson, on location in the green mountains of Kentucky. Well, here with the story is “ET’s” own Ron Wood.

EXT. FILM SET – KENTUCKY GREEN MOUNTAINS – DAY

Rolling Stones bassist RON WOOD, holding a cigarette & martini up to the camera while seated in a director’s chair.

Ron Wood: Cheers, mate. All right. Ron Wood – –

Ron mumbles one incoherent word after another, then chuckles.

Ron Wood: All right!

The CAMERA pans out to REVEAL JODIE FOSTER seated on Ron’s right and LIAM NEESON seated on Ron’s left. Jodie’s in her hermit wardrobe from the film, prancing her fingers and a leaf in the air. Liam’s sulking and smoking a cigarette.

Ron Wood: I’m here with Jodie Foster and Liam Neeson; you know what I mean man? All right. Yeah.

Ron laughs and takes a quick sip from his martini.

Ron Wood: Jodie – – Oscar time, all right. Do you – –

Ron mumbles off topic, guffaws, and drinks his martini.

Jodie Foster: Chickapay. Chickapay mismay. Hineetay. Chickapay.

Ron Wood: All right, man. All right. Sound as a pound, lad. Sound as a pound. All right. Okay. Liam, Liam, what is it – –

Ron’s mumbling and laughs through his intoxication.

Ron Wood: “Schindler’s List,” you know, “Schindler’s List.”

Liam Neeson: It was a mistake, me being a man, you know – –

Liam launches into mumbling. Ron arches his eyes, and then chortles.

Ron Wood: You, you.

Ron mumbles while Liam nods his head and flashes a slight grin.

Ron Wood: It’s crazy, man. It’s crazy.

Both men take long puffs from their smokes.

Ron Wood: Liam, Ireland, alcoholism – –

Liam groans and shakes his head.

Ron Wood: What’s that all about?

Liam mumbles.

Ron Wood: Oh, come on, man! It’s me – Ronnie! It’s me – Ronnie, man! Liam, it’s me – Ronnie!

Both men engage in a crosstalk of mumbling and then resume smoking. Jodie waves his fingers and the leaf across Ron & Liam.

Jodie Foster: Chickapay mismay.

Ron Wood: Chickapay – that’s right, man.

Ron mumbles more and more.

Ron Wood: Ron Wood, with Liam and… “Entertainment Tonight” All right.

Ron mumbles and laughs at himself then hums the “ET” theme.

INT. ET STUDIOS

Mary and John are smiling at the desk.

John Tesh: All right. Thank you, Ron. Boy, it looks like they had a good time, didn’t they?

Mary Hart: It sure does.

John gives a boisterous yet brief chuckle and then goes straight-faced.

John Tesh: When “ET” continues, we’ll talk with actor Charlie Sheen, then find out what it was like working for his father and his brother, and sleeping with all those Hollywood prostitutes.

Mary and John smile. The “ET” theme resumes as does the bumper graphic.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 10

94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
You can’t tell me that cowboys, when they’re branding cattle,
don’t sort of “accidentally” brand each other every once in a while.
It’s their way of letting off stress.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 14th, 1995

Jeff Daniels

Luscious Jackson

None

Capitol Hill

Newt Gingrich (Chris Farley) hurriedly passes legislation.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich.

Jeff Daniels’ Monologue

Daniels has good things to say about Jim Carrey.

Eterna Rest

(Repeat) See: 11/12/94.

Martin Luther King Day

Black office workers (Tim Meadows, Ellen Cleghorne) make white co-workers feel guilty.

Connie Chung vs. Mrs. Gingrich

Connie Chung (Laura Kightlinger) bullies Kathleen Gingrich (Janene Garafalo) for more dirt.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich.

Entertainment Tonight

Ron Wood (Mike Myers) has unintelligible interview with Nell (Janene Garafalo).

Recurring Characters: Ron Wood.

Luscious Jackson performs “City Song”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

David spade complains about recent concerts he attended.

Marquerite Simpson (Ellen Cleghorne) sings new version of “You Gotta Be”.

Mystery Dinner Theater

Actor (Chris Farley) overdoes death scene to show off for parents in audience.

Film Beat

Film historian (Chris Elliot) embarrasses Daniels with “Dumb & Dumber” toilet clip.

Gay Stripper Theater

Drama enhances performances of gay male exotic dancers.

Luscious Jackson performs “Here”

Aerosmith Album

Aerosmith’s greatest hits all sound alike.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

How cowboys relieve stress.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonaldMartha Stewart … Janene Garofalo
First Guy from a Religious Cult … David Spade
Second Guy from a Religious Cult … Adam Sandler
Leader of the Religious Cult … ChrisFarley

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and brown tie, sits atthe WU desk with his well-organized sheaf of papers.Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thankyou. I’m Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news. …

Early this morning in Washington, someone fired sixshots into the White House. Police have little to goon but say they’re on the lookout for a middle-agedblack woman in a Surgeon General’s uniform….

President Clinton said this week that he was willingto propose a tax cut, quote, “as long as I can pay forit.” He then looked inside his wallet and announced aplan to cut taxes by six dollars. …

French auto maker Renault confirmed this week that itplanned to cut seventeen hundred and thirty-five jobsnext year. The company said it was trying to reducestaff because, quote, “we haven’t sold a car since1978.” …

[Police sketch of the Unabomber with curly hair,hooded sweatshirt, glasses and thin mustache] The FBIreleased this sketch of the man known as the Unabomberthis week. And authorities immediately issued anarrest warrant for Weird Al Yankovic. …

O. J. Simpson’s lawyers have decided to skip hearingson DNA evidence and go right to trial. Asked why theydid this, the lawyers replied, “We want to get O. J.acquitted as speedily as possible so he can get backto doing what he does best — killing people.”…

Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly is out for theseason. His replacement, Frank Reich, said this weekthat he vowed to– uh, he vows to rally the Bills andget them into the playoffs. He further promised histeam would win the AFC Championship Game and go on tothe Super Bowl where they will be crushed.…

A California man has sued McDonald’s claiming hecontracted AIDS from one of its pork sandwiches.McDonald’s disputes his charge but the man insists,quote, “That sandwich gave me AIDS just as sure as I’ma male prostitute.” …

Norm MacDonald: Well, the holidays are justaround the corner and here with tips on how to makethis Christmas truly special is nationally-knownauthority on style Martha Stewart. Martha?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to cool blondeMartha Stewart who wears her trademark denim workshirt.]

Martha Stewart: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Ithink, for each of us, childhood memories of Christmasare something unique and personal. My own memoriescenter around the big Victorian home where I grew up.Early each Christmas morning, the other children and Iwould awake to the unmistakable smells of bakedcinnamon apples, mulled cider and mince puddingwafting from the kitchen. In an instant, we childrenwould come bounding down the great staircase, our armsand legs all akimbo–

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts, surprised]Akimbo? …

Martha Stewart: [to Norm] Yes. Akimbo. [Normmakes a face] … [continues] –and our childish eyesas big as saucers, eager to spy what good things KrisKringle had brought.

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Ho – ho – hold ona second there, Martha. Kris Kringle?!

Martha Stewart: Yes, Norm. You know, Pere Noel,Father Christmas, Good Saint Nick.

Norm MacDonald: You mean SantaClaus?

Martha Stewart: [slightly patronizing] Oh. Youcalled him Santa Claus. [Norm nods] Hm. …[continues] Anyway, it being Christmas, mater andpater had dismissed the staff–

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] W – w – wait aminute. Mater and pater?! …

Martha Stewart: Yes. Our parents. That’s whatwe called them.

Norm MacDonald: Where did you grow up?

Martha Stewart: Norm, that doesn’t matter. Yousee, Christmas is the same throughout theworld–

Norm MacDonald: Nah, I’m just curious -where?

Martha Stewart: [reluctantly and quickly, outof the side of her mouth] New Jersey. … [hurriedlycontinues] Anyway, there we children stood, staring inawe at what we were sure was the largest Christmastree ever — festooned with candy canes, lemonsticks and rosebuds on a string. And there hanging inthe mantle of the enormous fireplace were all thechildren’s stockings, filled to overflowing withwalnuts, pecans, candied plums, dried figs and spicedoranges.

Norm MacDonald: Nowwww, where in New Jersey?…

Martha Stewart: [quietly, hesitantly, throughgritted teeth] Nutley, New Jersey.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, I know Nutley! Yeah,yeah, that’s off Exit Seven, Route Three, off theJersey Turnpike. …

Martha Stewart: [coolly, to Norm] Yes.[continues] And then it always seemed just as we wereabout to open our gifts the neighbors would come bywassailing. “Here we come a-wassailing!” they’d shout.”Good wassail to you,” we’d reply.

Norm MacDonald: [incredulous]Wassailing?! … Never mind. Go on. …

Martha Stewart: No, Norm, I think I’d betterstop right here. You seem to think I’m making thisup.

Norm MacDonald: All right, suit yourself. But,hey, if you run into any of my friends from Jersey,uh, wassailing — you give ’em my best, huh?…

Martha Stewart: I’ll do that, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: All right. Martha Stewartthere, everybody!

[Martha lingers a moment to bask in the cheers andapplause, then exits.]

Well, the U.S. Safety Commission has issued a list ofunsafe Christmas toys. Topping the list this year:Mattel’s Gasoline-Powered Sharp Thing.…

There’s a new kitty litter on the market. It’s madefrom wheat. And its slogan is: “Kitty litter just gota whole lot tastier.” …

There’s a new twenty-four hour cable TV channel now.It’s called Fish TV. The channel shows a giantaquarium of fish twenty-four hours a day. Except fromtwo A.M. to three A.M. when it shows “The Byron AllenShow.” …

Norm MacDonald: Last week, a new restaurantcalled Le Jeu d’Homme opened here in Manhattan and nowhere with a review of that restaurant, Two Guys from aReligious Cult.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Two Guys from aReligious Cult who wear sunglasses and leather vests.They exchange glances, face the camera, and launchinto their intense yet emotionless cultritual:]

First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quiet with adeep, gravel-throated voice] The long-dead rulers ofthe serpent kingdoms will open their maggot-encrustedeyes and emerge from their forgotten tombs at theunspeakable dawn of the sixth day to worship at thealtar of the Dark Queen.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: [loud,high-pitched voice] YOU HAVE SEWN US INSIDE THE BELLYOF LUCIFER!!! …

First Guy from a Religious Cult: The mockinglaughter of the Betrayer reveals that the dead liveand those who think they are alive are only so in thetwisted dreams of the insane.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CAN’T YOUSMELL THE BREATH OF THE HELL-BEAST?! … HE WAITS FORYOU IN THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE!

Norm MacDonald: Whoa – whoa – whoa – whoa,there, Two Guys from a Religious Cult. Uh, I know youlove that whole cult thing but, uh, how ’bout that newrestaurant? Is the food good or what?

First Guy from a Religious Cult: The foul mistsof dark death will cover the stinking halls–

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: DIE, YOUFORNICATORS!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: — of theObscene Ones.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CRY THE TEARSOF THE DEVIL!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: And theDefilers will emerge from the cave and a succubus burnthe mark–

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: THE REAPERHAS ARRIVED!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: — cumming offthe fleshy underbellies of the chosen. As the blooddrips from the beaks of the vultures, you are least inthe innocent.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: YOU BATHE INTHE BLOOD OF THE BLACK PIG!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: You – will -go to hell.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: I COMMANDYOU!

Norm MacDonald: All right, all right, allright, that’s it! Look, I had a feeling this was gonnahappen, you know. I’m gonna have to go over your headsto get this restaurant review. Ladies and gentlemen,live, via satellite, from an undisclosed location inthe tri-state area, the Leader of the Religious Cult.[On the screen behind Norm, we see the large Leader ofthe Religious Cult seated on a throne, also wearingsunglasses and leather vest but with a red cloak and ahorned helmet] … So– So, Your Leadership, now, didyou enjoy dining at this restaurant? Would yourecommend it?

Leader of the Religious Cult: [demonic voice]The Unholy One is inside of me! … His ancient spiritdemands sacrifice! … [gestures grandly] Who amongthe damned will follow me to Babylon? … Who? Who?My insides are burning! …

[The Leader screams horribly and at length. Cut to theTwo Guys at the WU desk who bow rapidly up and downwhile gesticulating wildly and babblingincoherently.]

Norm MacDonald: Aw, geez! That’s enough! That’senough! That’s enough! Look! Just stop it! All thisspeakin’ in tongues and bowin’! You know, get ahold ofyourselves! We’re on television for God’s sakes.Ridiculous! For the last time, tell us about thisrestaurant!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quietly,reluctantly] Service was adequate. Food was a bitpricey.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: ALFREDO SAUCEWAS A LITTLE TOO CREAMY! …

[Cut to the Leader on his throne.]

Leader of the Religious Cult: [coyly andeffeminately, like a little old lady] The peachcobbler was delightful. …

[Cut back to Norm and the Two Guys at the desk, tryingto keep straight faces.]

Norm MacDonald: Really? Okay. So, what’s youroverall recommendation, then?

[Dissolve to a graphic entitled “Restaurant Review”:FOOD and SERVICE get “thumbs up” but underneath PRICE,DECOR, HYGIENE and DRESS CODE are the words ROT INHELL and a flaming, grinning devil’s head.]

First Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Goodneighborhood place.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Pleasantfor families!

[Dissolve back to Norm and the Two Guys at thedesk.]

Norm MacDonald: Sounds like I’ll have to checkit out. Thanks for the report, fellas.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: Happyholidays, everybody!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: Happyholidays!

Norm MacDonald: All right, Two Guys from aReligious Cult — and their Leader! — ladies andgentlemen!

[Cheers and applause. Second Guy waves to crowd andoffers hand to Norm who isn’t paying attention andfails to shake it. Frustrated, Second Guy slams hishand down on desk and exchanges words with First Guybefore they exit. Norm, highly amused by the wholeroutine, pauses to collect himself beforecontinuing:]

Police in Newman, Georgia discovered thirty-five bagsof cocaine in the backpack of a second-graderyesterday. Authorities say they grew suspicious whenthe boy began showing up to school in a stritch–stretch limo surrounded by gorgeous hookers….

The newest talk show, “The Charles Perez Show,”debuted this week. The show’s first topic? “Who thehell is Charles Perez?” …

This week, a Cincinnati woman with ten personalitiessued a man for sexual assault. But the suit was thrownout when two of her personalities said that she mayhave consented. You know, folks, where I come from”No, no, no, no, no, yes, yes, no, no” meansNo! … Hate to get on a soapbox but, uh,that’s where I come from.

In a survey this week, men said they preferred penissize to height. Sixty-two percent of men said they’drather be five foot two with a seven inch penis.Thirty-six percent said they’d rather be six footthree with a three inch penis. And the remaining twopercent said they’d rather be one foot four with athree hundred inch penis. … [applause]

All right, folks, merry Christmas. See you, uh, nexttime. Thanks a lot.

[Music, cheers, applause. Norm picks up and tries tostraighten his disorganized sheaf of papers as we pullback and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Chris Elliott’s Bedtime Story

… Chris Elliott
… George Foreman
… Lorne Michaels
… Chris Farley

[Outside the host’s dressing room, Chris Elliottappears and knocks on the dressing room door. He wearssneakers, jeans, and a flannel shirt over a T-shirt.Under one arm, he carries rolled-up blankets and apillow. Host George Foreman, looking dapper in suitand tie, opens the door and greets Chrischeerily.]

George Foreman: Hi, Chris!

Chris Elliott: Hi, George! How ya doin’? Mindif I come in? [Chris breezes past George and entersthe dressing room.]

George Foreman: I guess not.

[Once inside, Chris places the blankets and pillow onthe dressing room sofa and happily sits besidethem.]

Chris Elliott: Oh, boy. [points to a swivelchair opposite, pleasantly] Sit down, George. Have aseat. [George shuts the door and sits as Chris helpshimself to a tray of vegetables] Ooh, celery![chuckles, eats celery, talks with mouth full] Hey, Ijust want to say you’re doin’ a great job out there. Imean, you really are top bananas out there. You’recoconuts. You’re slingin’ the zingers six ways toSunday. [laughs] So, tip o’ the hat to you, milady.[mimes tipping a hat, laughs some more]

George Foreman: [slightly impatient] Hey,Chris, what do you want exactly?

Chris Elliott: Well – a direct question -deserves a direct answer. George — [Chris puts a handon his own chest] Chris – is sleepy.

George Foreman: Mm hm.

Chris Elliott: And, uh, this being the mostcomfortable sofa backstage, well, if you don’t mind, Ithink I’m gonna take a little — [belches] — nap.[starts taking his sneakers off]

George Foreman: Well, I guess I don’t mind. Butdon’t you have a little skit to put on outthere?

Chris Elliott: [casually] Ah, George, not me.I’m gonna leave that for the kids. You know, theFarleys and the Spades and the Piscopos. Let thosebirds fly. This little tweet-tweet wants to nest alittle while. [chuckles]

George Foreman: [mocks his chuckle with one ofhis own] Seems like a young boy like you should have alittle more energy.

Chris Elliott: You know, you’re absolutelyright. I mean, ah, sometimes I think maybe I have thatYuppie disease. [laughs] You know, I’m as lethargic asa kitty with a belly full of milk. [laughs]

George Foreman: [rises, checks his wristwatch]Uh, look, Chris, you can lie down for a while but Ibetter get over to wardrobe. [starts to exit]

Chris Elliott: [rises, pulls swivel chair tothe sofa] Oh, oh, no, no, George, George.[high-pitched giggle] It’s not quite that simple. Youcome right over here and have a little seat for asecond. [guides George to chair – George sits, Chrissits on sofa] You see, the problem is – old Chrissy,he can’t fall asleep unless somebody reads to him.[pulls a children’s book from under the blankets andoffers it to George]

George Foreman: [mild disbelief] Ohhh, come on,now. [takes book]

Chris Elliott: Oh, come on, George. Seriously.Please. I – I – Honestly, I can’t fall asleep unlesssomebody reads– My wife used to have to read to meevery night – [darkly] – before she moved away.[George smiles, chuckles, shakes his head] Please?Come on, George. It’s a short one. Please?

George Foreman: [uncertainly] Ahhh…[chuckles, reluctantly gives in]

Chris Elliott: [grins, lies down, gets underthe covers] Thank you.

George Foreman: [looks at the cover of thebook, reads the title aloud] “Goodnight Moon”

Chris Elliott: [reverts to childhood, whispersexcitedly] Read who it’s by!

George Foreman: By Margaret Wise Brown.Pictures by — Clement Hurd?

Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles] Hesounds like a weirdo!

George Foreman: [assumes the role of parent]Come on, Chris. It’s not nice to make fun of people’snames.

Chris Elliott: Oh, I know, George. ButClement? [high-pitched British accent] Clement!Clement, come in for tea and brunch, Clement! [bobbingup and down like a little kid]

George Foreman: [like a stern parent] Allright, all right, all right! Now, settle down. [Chrissettles down and listens intently as George readsaloud from Margaret Wise Brown’s 1947 children’sclassic] “In the great green room, there was atelephone and a red balloon and a picture of–” [turnspage] “– the cow jumpin’ over the moon.”

Chris Elliott: [quietly] Let me see thepicture. [George shows him the picture, Chris staresat it intently, then very serious] Cows can’t reallyfly.

George Foreman: [sighs] Just inmake-believe.

Chris Elliott: [a little sad] I know. That’swhat my wife told me.

George Foreman: [reading aloud] “And there werethree little bears – sittin’ in chairs. [turns page]Two little kittens – and a pair of mittens.”

Chris Elliott: [repeats] Mittens. [suddenlyplayful and increasingly loud] You know what’s betterthan mittens? Plippens. You know what’s better thanplippens? Blippens! You know what’s better thanblippens? Beepens!! [bobs up and down again]

George Foreman: Come on, Chris! That’s enough,now! Are you gonna goof around or are you gonnalisten?

Chris Elliott: [tries to settle down] I’m sorry- I’m just shakin’ me sillies out!

[Quick dissolve to SNL reception desk where castmember Chris Farley stands, in suit and tie, reading acomputer printout. He snaps to attention as producerLorne Michaels suddenly enters.]

Lorne Michaels: Chris, have you seenGeorge?

Chris Farley: [reluctantly imparting bad news]I think Elliott got to him.

Lorne Michaels: [worried] Oh, no. “GoodnightMoon.”

Chris Farley: [raises eyebrows, lowers eyes]’Fraid so.

[Quick dissolve back to dressing room where Chrislistens intently to George.]

George Foreman: [reads aloud] “Goodnightclocks. Goodnight socks.”

Chris Elliott: [quiet, thoughtful] Hey, George.Do you think they’ll ever invent a car that canfly?

George Foreman: I don’t know, Chris.

Chris Elliott: [thinking hard] Because, if theydid, then – there wouldn’t be any traffic – becausepeople would just fly over the trees.

George Foreman: I suppose you’re right aboutthat, Chris.

Lorne Michaels: [abruptly enters] George, I – Iapologize for this. Why don’t you go to wardrobenow?

George Foreman: [rises, to Chris, genuinely] Ican’t thank you enough. [heads for door, leaving thebook behind]

Chris Elliott: [as George exits] Bye, kiddo.Knock ’em dead!

Lorne Michaels: [sits in chair] Chris–

Chris Elliott: [pleasantly] Hi, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: [trying to be reasonable] Idon’t put a lot of restrictions on the cast but I dotend to frown on nap-taking during the show.

Chris Elliott: [like a petulant child] Well,don’t yell at me. Yell at George Foreman. The wholething was his idea. The whole shebang!He’s weird!

Lorne Michaels: Chris, maybe it’d be better ifyou just – slept it off.

Chris Elliott: [patting Lorne’s knee] Well,that’s very sweet of you, Lorne, but, um, the problemis – there’s no way on God’s green Earth that I canfall asleep – unless you read to me. [solemnly handsLorne the book]

Lorne Michaels: “Goodnight Moon”?

Chris Elliott: [whispers excitedly] Read whoit’s by!

Lorne Michaels: By Margaret Wise Brown.Pictures by Clement Hurd.

Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles]

Lorne Michaels: [wry, fatherly grin] I know.It’s weird.

Chris Elliott: It is.

[Chris, under the covers, listens intently as Lorneflips to the first page and begins to read to him.Applause. Pull back and fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

George Foreman’s Monologue

…..George Foreman

George Foreman: Thank you. Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! [ audience continues to hollar their excitement ] I said “Thank you”, now stop! [ audience laughs, then applauds harder ]

Well.. I’m really happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. [ waits for the audience to applaud his happiness ] You know, I had a pretty good year. Some interesting things, let’s see.. happened to me this year. Uhhh.. I celebrated my 45th birthday. [ audience applauds wildly ] And what else, uh.. [ with a mock rush of memory ] ..oh, yeah! I became Heavyweight Champion of World!! [ audience feeds Foreman the applause he craves ] Again! And.. I’ve had a.. pretty good week. These people, they have been so nice. Sure, there have been a few disagreements, but uh.. that’s only natural. [ chuckles ] Guess who won? [ audience laughs ] I’m telling you, no one in this cast can take a punch. [ audience laughs ] David Spade fights like a girl.. Chris Farley? Big guy, strong guy.. a lot of heart.. but not a genius. [ demonstrates ] “Look, Chris! Your shoe’s untied!” [ laughs, mimes how he knocked Farley out ] And Chris Elliot – every time I looked at the guy, he started crying like a baby! But I hear.. that’s the way it is with every host.

Anyway.. once everyone figured out who was boss around here, we all got along just fine. so, stick around, we got a great show! Hole is here. Don’t go away, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

A Christmas Message From the President & Mrs. Clinton

President Bill Clinton…..Michael McKean
Hillary Clinton…..Janene Garafalo
George Stephanapolous…..Mike Myers

[ open on exterior, The White House ]

Announcer: The following is a Christmas message from President & Mrs. Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Hillary and President Bill Clinton seated from left-to-right onscreen behind desk ]

President Bill Clinton: Good evening! Happy Holidays, everybody.

Hillary Clinton: And Merry Christmas.

President Bill Clinton: You know, we Clintons have always seen the holidays as a middle class family time. A time when families with incomes between.. $30,000 and $65,000 get together in peace and middle class love. Now, Thursday I outlined some of my tax breaks for middle class Americans. Tonight, let’s see what Santa brought. Hillary?

Hillary Clinton: [ grabs oversized present ] Oh! It’s a big one!

President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] Well, it sure is big! [ watches as Hillary undoes the gift wrapping from the present ] Oh! Look at that!

Hillary Clinton: An automatic garage door opener!

President Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] That’s smething every middle class American aspires to own and enjoy! And that’s why my administration is making it possible for every household with grosse-adjusted income under $65,000.. to borrow, without penalty, up to $200 from their individual retirement accounts.. toward the purchase of this or many other fine middle class items.

Hillary Clinton: Everything from a microwave oven.. to a weedwhacker.. to a bumper pool table.

President Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] Oh, that’s right, honey! Now.. what’s in that small one over there? [ points to a present ]

Hillary Clinton: Hmm.. [ grabs the present and shakes it ] I don’t know – it doesn’t rattle! [ tears off the wrapping ] Why.. it’s a voucher!

President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] That’s right! It’s a governemtn voucher, worth $5 toward the purchase of a new home!

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Santa!

President Bill Clinton: [ coy ] Well.. we’re saying it’s from Santa, but it’s relaly from me!

[ the sound of three gunshots breaks out ]

Hillary Clinton: [ worried ] Did you hear something?

President Bill Clinton: Nothing out of the ordinary! [ four more gunshots break out ] Well, what’s in America’s stocking, honey?

Hillary Clinton: [ pulls present out of a Christmas stocking ] Ohhh, my.. it’s Mighty Morphin Power Rangers!

President Bill Clinton: [ chuckling ] Your kids love them!

Hillary Clinton: And we middle class moms know they’re hard to find.

President Bill Clinton: That’s why, America, we’ve got ’em for ‘ya! We’ve been hoarding them all year! Now, when elections roll around in ’96.. remember who got your kids those Might Morphin Power Rangers!

[ George Stephanapolous enters the Oval Office ]

George Stephanapolous: Excuse me, Mr. President.. Mrs. Clinton.

President Bill Clinton: Why, George! George Stephanapolous! What is it?

Hillary Clinton: Hi.

George Stephanapolous: Well, uh.. I’ve been watching the broadcast, and uh.. I only see presents here for the middle class. [ looks straight toward the camera, obviously reading from an offscreen cue card ] And, here on the White House staff.. we.. we all know how.. crazy you are about.. the middle class. But what about the poor and the.. disadvantaged?

President Bill Clinton: [ ready to make the next part of his pitch ] Well, George, I know my critics call me the President who cares too much about the middle class. [ chuckles ] Well, let them! I’m too busy caring about the middle class to worry about my critics! you see, George, to me the middle class has always been the backbone of this country.

George Stephanapolous: [ still reading from an offscreen cue card ] I know, Mr. President. We’ve been hearing that.. every day from you since you came into office. That’s nothing new. But there is is such a thing as caring.. too much.. about the middle class.

President Bill Clinton: Well, if caring about the middle class is a disease.. then Ive got a bad case!

George Stephanapolous: Oh.. something else I meant to tell you. Another plane hit the house.

President Bill Clinton: [ quicly changing the subject ] Yeah, alright.. thanks, George. [ chuckles nervously as George exits ] We-ell.. that was embarrassing! My staff thinks I care too much about the middle class. They just have to understand where my priorities are!

[ six more gunshots are heard outside ]

Hillary Clinton: Maybe we should get downstairs..

President Bill Clinton: Good idea. But, first.. a little something I picked out special just for you. [ hands Hillary a Christmas present ]

Hillary Clinton: [ reading the card ] “To Angela.”

President Bill Clinton: Oh, I.. [ with panic in his throat ] “Live, from, New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 17th, 1994

George Foreman

Hole

Michael Buffer

Hole, “Doll Parts”

A Christmas Message From the President & Mrs. Clinton

President Bill Clinton (Michael McKean) & Hillary (Janene Garafalo) distribute gifts.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

George Foreman’s Monologue

Foreman jokes about how easy it is to beat up the cast.

Time Boxer

Foreman is transported to 1939 to box Hitler (Mike Myers).

Recurring Characters: Hitler.

Looking Good

Foreman beats people up to help them look better.

Hole performs “Doll Parts”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Martha Stewart (Janene Garafalo) comments on Christmases past.

Two Guys From A Religious Cult (David Spade, Adam Sandler) review a restaurant.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart, Two Guys From A Religious Cult, Leader.

Matt Foley: Motivational Trainer

Motivation from Matt Foley (Chris Farley) gives Foreman newfound will to hit people.

Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.

Uncle Joe

Uncle Joe (Foreman) is pressured to sing at wedding reception.

The Incredible Hulk

Incredible Hulk (Foreman) balks at needless repetition of sketch.

Hole performs “Violet”

Chris Elliot’s Bedtime Story

Chris Elliot asks Foreman to read him a bedtime story in the middle of the show.

“Stalking” by Bruce McCulloch

Woman (Janene Garafalo) is happy to chat with her stalker.

Jackie Stallone’s Psychic Circle

Jackie Stallone (Janene Garafalo) promotes Sylvester, but mocks Frank.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts