Female Spokesperson…..Ellen Cleghorne Male Spokesperson…..Tim Meadows
[ Open on a shot of the beach. Happy island music plays. ]
Female spokesperson V/O: There is an island where the people are as ‘ospitable as the climate.
[ Fade to happy, laughing, grinning Jamaican spokespeople standing in front of a beach shot. ]
Female spokesperson: Where our white pristine beaches are your playground.
Male spokesperson: Because dey were put dere just for you.
Spokespeople: [ together ] And so were we!
Female spokesperson: Because when you va-key-shun in Ja-mey-ca, YOU’RE the boss!
Male spokesperson: And dat’s okay wit us!
Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] We do the cookin’, we do the cleanin’, we make your beds, we run the limbo contests!
Male spokesperson: We ‘old de stick while you try to limbo. It’s fun!
Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] Mess up your room all you like. I don’t mind bendin’ over to pick up your underwear! Why should I?
Male spokesperson: You want to t’row up in de pool, mon?
Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] No problem! We fish it out wit de skimmer!
Male spokesperson: Are you in college?
Female spokesperson: Then come on down, and get drunk and play loud music all night long while we’re trying to sleep, so that we can get up early to make your breakfast! Don’t worry!
Male spokesperson: It’s Jamaica!
Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] And feel free to complain to our boss about any little t’ing!
Male spokesperson: Report us, mon! Get us in trouble!
Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] If somet’ing is missing, assume we stole it! And then, when you find it in your suitcase, don’t apologize! No need! We’re used to it!
Male spokesperson: It’s Jamaica!
Female spokesperson: And bring de whoooooole fam’ly! We love de little children.
Male spokesperson: Because dey are de boss too!
Female spokesperson: We love it when a six-year-old says, “Gimme a towel, now!” It’s so cute!
Male spokesperson: So dis year, come on to Jamaica, because to tell you de truth, tourism is all we got!
Female spokesperson: Oh, I like the water! It feels so tickly!
[ Fade back to shot of beach from beginning. SUPER: JAMAICA / Where we basically live on tips ]
Female spokesperson V/O: Jamaica. Because basically, we live on tips.
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit, sits at the WU desk andremoves the paper clip from his well-organized sheafof papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, I’m NormMacDonald, and this is the fake news. …
Well, it’s been a disastrous week for PresidentClinton. His party lost control of the House andSenate, and thirty-one governorships are now inRepublican hands. The only bright spot: he wascompletely exonerated in the murder of Bob Crane.[Image of newspaper story with headline reading “BobCrane’s Friend Acquitted in Death” and a photo ofCrane, star of TV’s “Hogan’s Heroes”] …
With Republican control of the Senate, Oregon’s BobPackwood will become chairman of the Senate FinanceCommittee. In a statement, he promised to massage thebudget, goose interest rates and, if possible, stickhis tongue down the throat of inflation. …
And in Connecticut, where I live, a House race was wonby a margin of just two votes. Well, that’s good. Myvote still wouldn’t have made any difference at all….
[Photo of woman firing a handgun as two uniformedpolice officers cover their ears] Young or old, maleor female – everyone loves to visit the White House!… [refers to a series of unconnected shootings atand around the White House in late 1994]
In an act of conciliation, China released eightpolitical prisoners this week. But they made it clearthat the other seventy-nine million would be executedwithout a trial. …
A French man who calls himself “The Snake Man” wasarrested this week after climbing up the side of aManhattan high rise. Yep! He climbed right up the sideof a high rise. Just like a snake! … [cheersand applause]
This week is Taxicab Appreciation Week. So, to all youtaxicab drivers out there: I’d appreciate it if you’dtake a shower once in a while, how would thatbe? … [cheers and applause]
A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. [some inthe crowd shout, “Woo, woo!”] Yeah. The ads claim thatthe 80 proof vodka is so pure, it’s virtuallyheadache-free. But, before you run out and buy it,remember: it causes massive anal bleeding. …
Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed thefirst frontal lobotomy, died this week in Washington.If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes inthe skull and then inserting and rotating a knife todestroy brain cells. [slight pause – then,enthusiastically] What a genius – he’ll be missed!…
[Photo of actor Tom Cruise with his very pale wifeNicole Kidman] Well, Tom Cruise got ready for thepremiere of his new movie “Interview with the Vampire”by sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole’s– [Normturns to look at the photo] … [briefapplause]
Liza Minnelli has gotten word she’ll have to have ahip replacement operation. This marks the first timein fifteen years that the name “Liza Minnelli” and theword “hip” have been used in the same sentence. …[some applause, some groans]
George Foreman shocked the world this week– [cheersand applause] How about that, huh? He shocked theworld when after absorbing punishing blows to the headfor ten rounds, he knocked out Michael Moorer toregain the heavyweight crown. After the fight, Foremansaid he felt great and that Moorer’s punches had hadno effect on him whatsoever. He then proceeded togrant a ten minute interview to the ring post. [Photoof Foreman on knees in front of ring post] …[scattered applause]
Norm MacDonald: And now, here with some concertreviews, once again, our rock ‘n’ roll correspondent,Gil Graham!
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to hunched-over,bespectacled rock fan Gil Graham who wears a colorfulLed Zeppelin shirt and speaks with a weird, intensehalf-whisper. Norm shakes his hand.]
Gil Graham: Oh! Thanks, Norm! Thank you! Well,this fall’s concert menu is jam-packed with rock’n’ roll – so let’s take a bite!
October 11th – MTV studios. You need coolin’, baby,I’m not foolin’. That’s right – Led Zep reunites! Andguess who was the ninety-ninth caller to WROK’s LedZep Ticket Giveaway? I was just getting used to thecomforts of the backstage performers’ lounge whenlegendary Zeppelin road manager Peter “Mad Dog” Rudgeapparently thought my third free Mountain Dew was onetoo many. … He decided to emphasize his point bygiving me an old school ass-kickin’. … Theman dragged me by my jaw into a nearby stairwell.Unfortunately, this stairway did not lead toheaven … but, rather, to the most painful tenminutes of my life. … The walls were reverberatingwith the relentless mule kicks of a fifty year oldEnglish lunatic … along with the majestic openinglicks of “Kashmir.” When they rolled me out ontoFifty-Seventh Street, I couldn’t help but think, “Zep,it’s been a long time since you rock ‘n’ rolled – butit was worth the wait!” …
Next stop: October 17th – Nassau Coliseum – thegranddaddies of grunge – Soundgarden – ready to crankit up. I did not attend this concert. I had front rowtickets but my mother threw them out. She thought theywere drugs. … Catch you next year, Soundgarden….
November 11th – Radio City Music Hall – the concertevent of the year – the Christmas Spectacular! … Thematinee audience was mostly families and thus, alittle afraid to rock. … But the hypnotic rhythms ofthe kettle drums backin’ up the Rockettes had mestandin’ on my chair and screamin’ for Santa. … Iwas in such a trance-like state, I didn’t realize Iwas disrupting Snow White’s performance. You know,there are seven dwarves but, apparently, that day, allof them were grumpy. … They pounded me viciously …in front of several thousand people for aninappropriate amount of time. … One would think thattheir tiny fists would have little effect … buttheir combined impact was similar to that of a severehail storm! … Their underdeveloped hands reachedinto places I didn’t think were possible … causingmomentary pleasure, then unspeakable pain! … Itended up turning into a very special experience whenthe dwarves invited some underprivileged children downfrom the balcony to use me as a human spittoon! …All in all, the Radio City Christmas show was a rock’n’ roller’s wet dream.
Back to you, Norm – and, in the words of KISS, “Iwanna rock and roll all night and party ev-e-ryday!” [cheers and applause, Gil turns to Normand pounds the desk with his hand] Ido!
Norm MacDonald: [much amused] Gil Graham,ladies and gentlemen! [Gil waves and exits]
Model Carrie Otis made news this week when she statedthat she didn’t want Mickey Roarke showing up at herwork. Hey, ah, join the club, lady! You think any ofus want Mickey Roarke showing up at our work? …[very little reaction from crowd, Norm shrugs, crowdlaughs harder at the shrug] …
Former first lady Nancy Reagan reports that herhusband has been relaxing at their ranch, ridinghorses and chopping wood. Sadly, eyewitnesses reportthat he was actually riding wood and chopping horses….
The cast of “Baywatch” made a special appearance atDisney World in Florida where they were mobbed byadoring fans. Which proves my new theory:”German tourists love David Hasselhoff!” …[applause]
A two-inch hummingbird that waited too long to flysouth and ended up stranded in Alaska will be flownvia commercial airline to California this week. Youknow, I have another solution to this: Kill thehummingbird! … [scattered applause]
And – [Photo of ruddy-faced, overweight Senator TedKennedy draws a few hoots from the crowd] – our finalstory: Ted Kennedy says now that he’s won re-election,he can finally relax, get off that crazy diet, andreally let himself go. …
And that’s all for now, good night!
[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade awayas Norm shuffles and attempts to straighten hisdisorganized mass of papers.]
[Former cast member Bill Murray stands at Home Base,addressing the camera.]
Bill Murray: Good evening. I’m here to breakthe news about a death in the family. This week,Michael O’Donoghue, one of the original writers andcreators of Saturday Night Live, died.
He had a tremendous influence on this show and on allof us. He was a writer that the writers, actors – andeven the producer – feared. And, in this business,it’s better sometimes to be feared than loved. Butwe’re not afraid of him any more — because he’s dead…. He’s dead and he went straight to hell. … Just -just to visit the couple people he had to meet– uh, Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Richard Speck — andto await the arrival of Pam Grier.
Mike’s work included “Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved BedtimeTales,” “The Claudine Longet Invitational Ski Shoot,”and, of course, his famous impression of Mike Douglasjamming nine-inch needles into his eyes. Michael usedto say, “You only live once and, usually, not eventhen.” But Michael lived well – and we all loved him.Here’s a piece of his, written for Laraine Newman,with Michael O’Donoghue as the bartender.
[Murray looks off stage. Fade out. Fade in on the December 1977 SNL sketch Least-Loved Bedtime Tale: The Soiled Kimono, in which a drunken LaraineNewman is asked to sing the aria from MadameButterfly while bartender O’Donoghue mixes a drinkhe calls “The Soiled Kimono.” Also appearing isO’Donoghue’s future wife Cheryl Hardwick who for manyyears was SNL’s musical director.
Afterwards, we return to Bill Murray at Home Base. Inhis hand is a drink — a Soiled Kimono, complete withpaper butterfly — with which he toasts the widow andthe deceased:]
Bill Murray: Here’s to Cheryl – [removes thepaper butterfly from the drink] – and to Michael.Takes a great man to make a great wake.
[Murray nods and downs the entire contents of theglass. Applause.]
Sarah Jessica Parker: It is really.. it is really, really great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I grew up here in New York City, and this has just been the greatest.. best week of- [ stops ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. it’s not true. This has.. this has not been a great week. Um.. for the last several months, I was working every day on Gov. Mario Cuomo’s re-election campaign.. and, uh.. as oyu know, last Tuesday, he lost.. so, uh.. so, tonight, there’s something that I’d like to say to him. It’s something that I learned back when I was playing Annie on Broadway. [ cue piano in background ] So, uh.. Mario? Mr. Cuomo? If you’re watching, this is for you.. and for all the other hundreds of Democratic losers out there.
Mario.. the sun will come out tomorrow Mario Cuomo.. forget about Pataki and..
[ singing ]
Bet your bottom dollar that.. tomorroooowThere’ll be sun – in ’96..
[ spoken ] Or, you know, you could get a job in the private sector. I don’t know.. maybe Baseball Commissioner, or something?
[ singing ] Just.. thinking about.. tomorrow
[ spoken ] ..Ann Richards and Tom Foley.
[ singing ] Clears away the cobwebs.. and the sorrow
[ spoken ] And you, too, President Clinton! I want you to remember this!
[ singing ] When I’m stuck with a day. that’s grey.. and Newt Gingrich I just stick up my chin.. and grin.. and say..
[ spoken ] Oh! I just want to say a quick congratulations to Ted Kennedy for a great win! You really– [ audience cheers ] You pulled it out, you know! You dropped 10 or 15 pounds, and you look fantastic! Your skin looks good, too. So, keep up the good fight!
[ singing ] Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya! Tomrrow..!
[ Mike Myers and David Spade run on stage to interrupt Parker ]
Mike Myers: Sarah! Sarah!
David Spade: Stop singing.
Mike Myers: Yeah.
Sarah Jessica Parker: Wh-what’s wrong?
Mike Myers: Well.. well, you’re singing about the Democrats, and.. basically, we’re all Republican here at the show, and uh.. well.. we’re pretty happy about the victory.
Sarah Jessica Parker: You’re serious? Everyone here is a Republican?
David Spade: Oh, yeah. Very Republican. The cast.. writers.. stagehands.. even Ellen Cleghorne. But, more importantly, we really don’t like the “Annie” song.
Mike Myers: And, uh.. finally, with a Republican congress, that song may be outlawed.
Sarah Jessica Parker: Oh. Wow.. I’m sorry.. Republicans?
David Spade: Oh, yeah.
[ Mike and David exit the stage ]
Sarah Jessica Parker: [ still dumbfounded ] Well, at least Ollie North didn’t win!
[ finishes her song ]
Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya.. tomorrow! It’s only.. a daaay.. a.. waaaaaaayy!
Anyway.. we have got a great show. REM is here! so, stick around, we’ll be right back!
Sarah Jessica Parker: [ addressing the audience directly ] This is a song about love, and what it means to me.
[ Michael McKean appears on acoustic guitar, playing a soft romantic melody ]
Michael McKean: [ singing ] Giiiiirl We’ve been together for so looooong Our love’s so very, very strooooong I’m so glad you’re mi-i-iiiine.
Sarah Jessica Parker: [ singing ] Iiiiiii’d..
Together: [ singing ] I’d do anything for yoooooou I’ll always be your true bluuuuuue We’re forever in loooooove
Michael McKean: [ singing ] Love is sharing Knowing someone’s caring, for yooooou.
Sarah Jessica Parker: [ singing ] Tonight, you have to go away Though it’s only for a day It’s a hard.. thing.. to doooo.
Michael McKean: [ singing ] But my heart will be with yoooou.
[ Michael steps back, as Adam Sandler steps in to a hard-rocking beat ]
Adam Sandler: [ singing ] You call me about 8:30! Said he’s gone, and you’re feeling dirty! You are like a monkey in heat! I’d better bump it to the sugar sweet!
I’m gonna give it to ya good!
Sarah Jessica Parker: You gotta give it to me good!
Adam Sandler: I’m gonna give you the wood!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah, your wood’s real good!
Adam Sandler: I said, Oh yeah!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Oh, yeah!
Adam Sandler: I said, Uh huh!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Uh huh!
Adam Sandler: I said it’s gonna feel all right!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah, do me all night!
[ Adam backs off, as michael steps back in with a softer beat ]
Michael McKean: [ singing ] Oh, Iiiiii.. I picked a flower for yoooou A daisy kissed by morning dewwwww How I cherish your looove
I’m going to the store I’m walking through the door But I’ll be back before you knoooooow
Sarah Jessica Parker: [ singing ] Don’t be away too long I’ll try hard, to stay strong For I know.. our love.. will grooooow.
Michael McKean: I know my love, I knoooow.
[ Michael steps back again, as Adam Sandler steps back in to a hard-rocking beat ]
Adam Sandler: [ singing ] Now he’s just walked out the door! So I’m coming back for more! You’re screaming, “Give it to me quick!” I’m dreamin’ on the floor That you’re lyin’ there more! ‘Cause I’m the one they call Daddy Long-Sneaker!
I said Hell, yeah!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Hell, yeah!
Adam Sandler: I said, Rock me, baby!
Sarah Jessica Parker: I’m rockin’ you, baby!
Adam Sandler: Just give me five or ten!
Sarah Jessica Parker: And we’ll do it again!
[ Adam backs off, as Michael steps back in with a softer beat ]
Michael McKean: [ singing ] Thoughts of yoooou Always fill my heeeeeead Even though you don’t share my beeeeed Soon we’ll be together as oooooone
Together: [ singing ] Iiiiiiiii I don’t mind waaai-ting. ‘Cause we’re both ant-i-ci-pat-ing Our lovely wedding day.
[ Michael steps back again, as Adam Sandler steps back in to a hard-rocking beat ]
Adam Sandler: [ singing ] Well, I love it when you talk! Dirty to me with your legs wrapped around my back!
Now, I’d like to introduce ya to someone I know! A guy who works at Midas, name’s “Stacks”!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Will he give it to me good?
Adam Sandler: He’s gonna give it to ya good!
Stacks: I’m gonna give ya the wood!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah, like a good boy should!
Adam Sandler: I said, Uh-huh!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Uh-huh!
Adam Sandler: I said it’s real good stuff!
Sarah Jessica Parker: I can’t get enough!
[ Michael steps into the action ]
Michael McKean: What the hell’s goin’ on?!
Sarah Jessica Parker: I thought you were gone?!
Michael McKean: What do you two jerks have to say?!
[ a beat ]
Adam & Stacks: [ singing ] We were just having fun Please, put away your gun..
Sarah Jessica Parker: Thank you, I had such a great time. I want to thank REM! And every single cast member! Thank you! All these people – thanks, I hope you had fun!
[ Michael Stipes removes his giant sunglasses and hands Sarah Jessica Parker a bouquet of flowers; his giant hat is removed by ?? and placed on the head of Chris Farley ]
[ open on couple looking over the casket at a memorial service ]
Woman: I don’t know, she just doesn’t look comfortable.
Spokesman: Maybe it’s the mattress.
Together: The mattress?
Man: Gee, I didn’t know there was that big a difference betwen coffin mattresses.
Spokesman: Obiously, you’ve never heard of Eterna-Rest.
Together: Eterna-Rest?
Spokesman: Eterna-Rest’s unique posture coil system adjusts to the contours of your loved one’s body, providing support where it’s needed most. But that’s just the beginning of the Eterna difference. [ demonstration shows the body decomposing ] Because, as your loved one decomposes, Eterna-Rest keeps adjusting, and Eterna-Rest knows that no two bodies decompose in exactly the same way. Even as skeletal remains shift and collapse, Eterna’s patented inner-coil conforms and supports, so your loved ones can rest in peace.
Together: [ together ] Rest in peace.. [ they laugh ]
[ SUPER: “Later” ]
Woman: She looks so serene.
Man: Thanks to Eterna-Rest.
Spokesman: And don’t forget new Eterna-Rest casket air freshener. [ places one in the casket ]
Woman: Does it last forever?
Spokesman: Well.. no. Just through the period where it would really stink.
Announcer: Eterna-Rest. We keep working, even though you’re dead.
News Anchor: Welcome back to “Decision ’94”. The Republican tidal wave continues to roll, and we are now able to declare a winner in the Montana Second Congressional Race.. [ show to election results card, showing Hudnut with 7% vs. Crane’s 93% ] ..where, with 2% of the precincts reporting, it is clear that the Democrat incumbant, Bob Hudnut, has suffered a stunning defeat at the hands of his Republican rival, carnival ride manufactuere Dan Crane. Let’s go now to Hudnut Headquarters, where the nine-term Congressman is about to make his concession speech.
[ dissolve to Bob Hudnut Headquarters, Hudnut taking the podium amongst his supporters yelling “Hudnut! Hudnut!” as Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” is heard in the background ]
Bob Hudnut: Thank you, thank you! Thank you all!
Man In Crowd: We love you!!
Bob Hudnut: [ chucking ] Oka-ay! Well, thank you! Well ,the polls closed about a minute ago, and uh.. I just phoned Dan Crane to congratulate him.
[ the crowd awwws ]
Bob Hudnut: Let’s have none of that, he’s our congressman now.
Man In Crowd: Noo!
Bob Hudnut: No, yes he is. The people have spoken.
Man In Crowd: No, they HAVEN’T!
Bob Hudnut: Uh, sir.. please, please.. if you could just stop..
Man In Crowd: OKAY!
Bob Hudnut: Well.. uh, it’s been a long and hard campaign, and uh.. I gues I made some mistakes!
Man In Crowd: No, you didn’t!
Bob Hudnut: No, sir, this is hard enough.. as it is, if you could. Uh.. one mistake, I’ll tell you right away, was not to answer some of those negative ads! Geez, like the one my opponent ran, showing that murdered nun next to a picture of me smiling with my thumbs up! Yeah, that one was a little much, but.. uh.. still, I wish him well. He’s.. our congressman now.
Man In Crowd: No, he ISN’T!!
Bob Hudnut: Sir, yes he is!
Man In Crowd: I’m from another district!
Bob Hudnut: Oh.. okay. Sorry. [ short pause ] I’d like to, uh.. thank my good friend President Clinton, uh.. for coming out here to this district, uh.. a record fifteen times. Uh.. to get the faithful out. And, uh.. boy, Hillary, I-I know we could not have gotten 7% without her.. so, big thanks there. Also, to all the celebrities that have come out here to Montana to help in the, uh. election here. Some of them are here tonight. Mickey Rourke, come out here. [ haggard Mickey Rourke stumbles up to the podium ] Godo guy. And singer Rick James, right over here. [ Rick James steps up to the podium ] And these towo guys right here really supported my prison reform plan to rehabilitate violent criminals, and get them back on the street as soon as possible. [ Mickey and Rick make out with Hudnut’s wife, and kiss and hug on him as well ] So, uh.. thanks, guys, I appreciate that, I really do. Alright, that’s.. more than enough.. thart’ll do it for me. Okay. And, of course, I do want to thank Michael Dukakis, who uh.. could not be here tonight, because he’s back east doing one more push for Mario Cuomo. So, good luck, guys, I hope that works out.
Regrets? Uhhh.. geez, I guess I had a few! [ chuckles ] I don’t know.. I suppose I dshouldn’t have sunk all my money into print advertising instead of television. [ spins his finger on the side of his head ] That’s something I’ll just be playing over and over again up here in the weeks to come! Uhh.. I honestly just felt people read more, and.. uh.. well, the sad truth is, they watch more TV. So, there you have it.
Man In Crowd: We love you!
Bob Hudnut: Ha-okay! Thank you, sir! Uh.. but.. here now, uh. I must close and say that my career has, uh.. come to an end. Uh.. in Washington, after eighteen years. I like to think that I am proud of some things that I’ve done here. Im.. I know that, wherever I go, whatever I do, the Bob Hudnut Gasoline Surtax will always be part of your lives! and I’m going to continue to fight the good fight against the NRA right here in Montana! So, you can always count on me for that!
So, uh.. in closing, please remember, uh.. Bill Clinton, in ’96! [ laughs ] Thank you, and, uh.. oh! You know there is just one more.. big regret.. uh.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ open on wide shot exterior of Robert Evans’ house, with title card superimposed over it ]
Announcer: Live from Beverly Hills, it’s “The Casting Couch”, with Robert Evans.
[ dissolve to interior, where Robert Evans is laughing gleefully while supposedly on the phone with one of the major celebrities he once worked with in the past ]
Robert Evans: Oh, Jack, that’s fabulous! Ha! Oh, stop it, Jack Nicholson, you’re making me laugh! [ notices the cameras ] Oh, excuse me, I’ve gotta go. Love to Rebecca and the kids! Yeah, you too, Irish! Ciao! [ hangs up, and addresses the cameras ] Hello, I’m Robert Evans: mega-producer and author of.. “The Kid Stays In The Picture”. Welcome to “The Casting Couch”. Now, each week we are visited by some of Hollywood’s loveliest and youngest new talents.. in their search for that special role that will catapult them into an actual screen appearance. [ toasts his glass ] Scone! But enough of this yattita-yattita.. let’s bring out the new stuff! I met her at Tower Records, just outside.. I helped her to find her car, and she wants to be an actress. Let’s have a big, warm “Casting Couch” welcome for.. Danielle Swalich!
[ Danielle enters and sits next to Robert Evans ]
Robert Evans: Hello, Danielle! How are you, darling? Please sit down, please! [ chuckles pleasingly ] You have some pictures for me?
Danielle Swalich: Oh.. yes, sir.
Robert Evans: Good!
Danielle Swalich: [ nervously ] I went to the man that you recommended – he charged me $750..
Robert Evans: [ in an authoritative manner ] Lesson 1, baby: Good pictures cost good money! Let’s have a look here.. [ sorts through the photos ] Ohhhh, yeah! Very nice! How old did you say you were?
Danielle Swalich: Um.. 19?
Robert Evans: Verrrry nice! Yes! so, tell me a little something about yourself.
Danielle Swalich: Well, um.. I’m an Army brat, I sort of grew up all over-
Robert Evans: Then, Don’t interrupt the master! That’s Lesson 3. Ha ha ha ha! Would you care for some very expensive wine?
Danielle Swalich: [ not sure what to make of Robert Evans ] Oh.. sure.. thanks.
Robert Evans: I’ll pour! The butler.. [ thinknig ] ..it’s his “day off”, let’s say! [ pours the wine ] Yeahhh.
Danielle Swalich: So.. Mr. Adams–
Robert Evans: It’s Evans! Ha! Robert Evans. Ha ha ha!
Danielle Swalich: Right. Okay, Mr. Evans.. um.. wh-what is all this? I mean.. I thought that you said you were a producer..
Robert Evans: I am the producer, kiddo! “Rosemary’s Baby”, ’68; “Love Story”, ’70; “The Godfather”, ’72.. “Chinatown”, ’74.. uhhh.. the.. how about “Sliver”, ’93? Any of these ring a bell?
Danielle Swalich: [ excited ] You did “Sliver”?!
Robert Evans: [ pleased ] Yeaahhhhh..
Danielle Swalich: [ impressed ] Oh, my God! Wow! Billy Baldwin is so HOT!
Robert Evans: [ cooly ] Would you like to meet him?
Danielle Swalich: Oh, my God! Could I! Yeah!
Robert Evans: [ reconsidering ] Actually, nooo.. we’re currently involved in a bit of litigation. And I’ll tell you one thing: if that punk shows his face around here, he’s finished in this town!
Danielle Swalich: [ curious ] H-how are you gonna do that?
Robert Evans: SShhhhh.. my ex-wife is sleeping in the next room.
Danielle Swalich: Really? That’s really weird.
Robert Evans: She’s Ali McGraw, you know.
Danielle Swalich: Who?
Robert Evans: That’s right! My ex-wife is Ali McGraw – ’69 to ’72! I was also married to actress Camilla Sparr, ’65-’66; and former Miss America Phyllis George! [ pleased with himself ] Ah ha ha!
Danielle Swalich: Who?
Robert Evans: That’s right, Phyllis George! Hmm hmm hmm!
Danielle Swalich: [ with a “Whatever” look on her face ] Alright, I believe you?
Robert Evans: Hmm.. good! It’s good to beieve. Let’s, uh.. let’s take some calls from the public, shall we? [ turns on the phone lines ] Alright, you’re on “The Casting Couch”! Let’s do it!
Caller #1: Yeah.. is this Bob?
Robert Evans: Guilty as charged, my pet!
Caller #1: Bob, this is Amber. We met at the cleaners. I did your show, and everything..
Robert Evans: Er-riiiiight..?
Caller #1: Well, you know, you said you might have a part for me in your new movie? Well.. i-it’s been, like, a month.
Robert Evans: A month! A month! Let me tell you a story.. [ turns to Daniell ] You should like this, too. When Francis Coppolo showed me the first cut of “The Godfather”, it was only twen-ty-three-min-utes long. I wouldn’t have shown this to my dog. I personally recut this film into the classic work of genius that it is today!
Danielle Swalich: [ desperate to escape ] Should I leave?
Robert Evans: No, no, no, no! We’re screening “Urban Cowboy” at six!
Danielle Swalich: [ confused ] “Urban Cowboy”? Is that a movie?
Robert Evans: It’s a classic, darling. [ back to the phones ] Alright, you’re on “The Casting Couch”! Talk to Daddy!
Caller #2: [ a soft whisper ] Hello, Bob..
Robert Evans: [ chuckles gleefully ] Oh, ho ho, yes, my pet, what can I do for you!
Caller #2: [ ferociously clears her throat, now speaking in a louder, rougher tone ] Excuse me, hi! I’m Dr. Rosalyn Beck, I’m in the oncology ward ar Sears Sinai. I was just flipping through the channels, and I noticed your face.
Robert Evans: [ pleased ] Thank you!
Caller #2: Listen, this is important – I really think you should have your skin looked at immediately! I’m seeing signs of melanoma, I’m seeing first-class lesions-
Robert Evans: Let me tell you about first class, Dr Lady! When Francis first brought me “The Godfather”, he wanted to do it as a plaaay. I said, “It’s a movie, or I walk!“
Danielle Swalich: [ more anxious to leave ] I really.. I really have to go-
Robert Evans: No, no.. don’t go, don’t go.. please. Did you hear the doctor? She said that I might be ill. I need you, Beth!
Danielle Swalich: It’s Danielle.
Robert Evans: No, no! Lesson #4: It’s Beth! All the big stars change their name to Beth!
Danielle Swalich: Like who?
Robert Evans: [ thinking quickly ] Sharon Stone? She was in “Sliver”, did you see her?
Danielle Swalich: Yeah, sh-she was good..
Robert Evans: And you! You, Beth, you’ll be even better in “Sliver 2: The Slivering”!
Danielle Swalich: W-w-w-what do you want me to do, anyway?
Robert Evans: [ leans in ] I want us to get closer.
Danielle Swalich: [ seeing the light ] You want to sleep with me?
Robert Evans: [ unashamedly ] Yes!
Danielle Swalich: [ stern ] No. [ leaves ]
Robert Evans: [ to the camera ] We’re about out of time here, on “The Casting Couch”. Remember, if you’re in the Los Angeles area and you’re an attractive woman between the ages of 18 and.. 19. Send me a picture of yourself. Either washing a car wearing cut-offs, or standing on a ladder wearing one of those tuxedos like Judy Garland used to wear. See you next week on.. “The Casting Couch”!
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