SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Sometimes I think the world
has gone completely mad.
And then I think, “Aw, who cares?”
And then I think, “Hey, what’s for supper?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I bet for an Indian,
shooting an old fat
pioneer woman with an arrow,
and she fires her shotgun
into the ground as she falls over,
is like the top thing you can do.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Nightline

[ open on man overlooking pool ]

[ dog walks across the length of the pool, as the Man watches from the opposite side ]

[ Man undresses ]

[ the dog jumps into the water and swims across ]

[ Man looks on, then reaches in to pull the dog out of the water ]

[ they kiss passionately, the dog humps the man’s leg ]

[ show Man diving into the water ]

[ fade to product ]

Announcer: Canis. Cologne for Dogs. From Calvin Klein. Now available at Macy’s.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Baby Names

Wife…..Julia Sweeney
Husband…..Nicholas Cage
Telegram Deliverer…..Rob Schneider

[ open on a married couple trying to think of a name for their unknown baby ]

Wife: I was thinking about Joseph.

Husband: [ turned off ] Joseph?

Wife: Yeah. Joseph.

Husband: Well.. it’s a nice name, but the kids are gonna call him “Joe Blow”. I mean, as long as you know that. Or “Sloppy Joe”, you know.. “How are Mr. & Mrs. Schmo?”

Wife: Well, I guess that’s true..

Husband: I mean, it’s a nice name.

Wife: Well, that’s alright. How about John? That’s nice and simple.

Husband: What, are you serious?

Wife: Well, yeah.

Husband: John? You want to do that to the kid?

Wife: Do what?
Husband: [ mimicking ] “Hey, John! Hey, let’s go to the john. Huh, John? Let’s go!”

Wife: Well.. wouldn’t he outgrow those jokes?

Husband: Look, kids are mean. I just want him to have a happy childhood, too.. but, “Long John Silver”? I mean, I don’t know what to say!

Wife: Okay, okay, okay.. Well.. um.. what about Peter?

Husband: Oh, right. Sure. Peter. Let’s just put him up for adoption right now, save the kid a lot of agony. I mean, obviously – no Peter, no Dick, no Rod! Can we just discuss this intelligently, please?

Wife: Yes, we can. [ thinking ] Okay.. um.. William.

Husband: William. Good. “Wee Willie!” “Chilly Willy!” “Willie Wonka! Hey! Where’s your chocolate factory?! Oompa-Loompa” every day of his life!

Wife: Ddi you get teased a lot as a kid?

Husband: [ defensive ] No, I did not. Did you tease a lot of kids? Because, judging from these names you’re picking, you don’t seem to be very sensitive.

Wife: Okay, I’ll just keep trying.. What about Fred?

Husband: [ sighing ] Please.. Fred, Frank.. lease, the F’s are no good. If he’s fat, it’s just a disaster.

Wife: Okay, alright. Um.. Sam?

Husband: Great. Sam. “Uncle Sam.” “I want you.. to be ostracized!“

Wife: Then, let’s Paul.

Husband: Right. Paul. “Hey, Paul, where’s Peter and Mary?!”

Wife: What?

Husband: Peter, Paul and Mary. “Hey, Paul! Play me a folk song, and then I’ll beat the crap out of you!

Wife: Well, at this point, I’d just settle for anything. How about.. Jack?

Husband: [ thinking ] Hmm.. yeah.. yeah, Jack’s a fine name.

Wife: Really?

Husband: Oh, yeah.. as long as we make his middle name O’Lantern! Because that is what everyone’s gonna call him!

Wife: Okay.. fine.. what about ben?

Husband: Ben! Oh, fine, we’re giving birth to a big bear? Great! “Gentle Ben!” “Hey, Ben, where’s Jerry? Get me some ice cream, or I’ll beat the crap outta ya’!

Wife: We could call him “Benjamin”.

Husband: Sure. Benjamin. Harrison! “Hey, Benjamin, how’s that tariff coming?! Montana a state yet?!”

Wife: Well, what about.. Todd?

Husband: [ stretching for an excuse ] Todd.. Todd.. Tad! “Tadpole!” Our son’s a tadpole! “Hey, Tadpole, I don’t like you! Thank your parents!”

Wife: Now, come on, I said “Todd”, not “Tad”. You changed the name, that’s cheating.

Husband: Yeah, and it took five seconds. It might take a kid ten.

Wife: [ sighing ] Okay.. what about Harry?

Husband: “Hey, Harry, where are the Hendersons?!”

Wife: Oh, come on! Nobody even saw that movie!

Husband: Kids saw it! Alright, one more.. come on, we can do it..

Wife: Alright. Um.. Nate.

Husband: “The Nate Rockne Story.” “Hey, Nate, where’s the Gipper?”

Wife: What?

Husband: [ pacing the room ] Na-ate! Na-ate! Do you like that sound? Well, you better get used to it! [ his wife walks across the room ] Hey, where are you going?

Wife: [ leafing through book ] I’m looking at this Baby Name book, I thought it could help us.. [ looking through book ] How about Bjaardker?

Husband: [ intrigued ] Oh?

Wife: Bjaardker. It’s Icelandic.

Husband: [ considering ] Yeah.. that’s a tough little name to crack. That could be good. [ puts his face up to his Wife’s belly ] Hey, Bjaardker, little fellow. You might just have a good childhood, after all. [ Wife laughs ] Talk to you later.

Wife: I love you.

Husband: I love you. [ they kiss, as the doorbell rings ] You sit, honey.

Wife: Alright.

Husband: [ answering the door ] Yes?

Telegram Deliverer: Hi, how you doing? I’ve got a telegram here for a Mr. & Mrs. Asswipe Johnson. I’m supposed to read it. [ holds telegram ] “Dear Asswipe & Emily: Congratulations on your upcoming blessed event. All our love, Bob & Diane.” Here you go, Sir. [ hands him the telegram ]

Husband: Uh.. listen.. that’s “Os-wee-pay“.

Telegram Deliverer: [ confused ] What?

Husband: Uh.. forget it, forget it.. [ closes the door and sits next to his wife ]

Wife: That was really nice of Bob and Diane.

Husband: [ sighs ] Yeah, but why do they have to mention my name so much?

Wife: Oh, honey..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


September 26th, 1992

Nicolas Cage

Bobby Brown

Jan Hooks

Lorne Michaels

Cher

Rob Smigel

Terry Turner

Bonnie Turner

Christine Zander
Husbands and WivesSummary: Woody Allen (Dana Carvey) and Soon-Yi Previn (Rob Schneider) awkwardly run into Mia Farrow (Jan Hooks) and Alan Dershowitz (Rob Smigel) outside the movie theater during a presenation of “Husbands and Wives”.

Recurring Characters: Woody Allen, Mia Farrow, Soon-Yi Previn, Tony Roberts, Alan Dershowitz, Frank Sinatra.

Transcript

Montage

Nicolas Cage’s MonologueSummary: Nicolas Cage delights in talking about his female co-stars’ body parts.

Transcript

CanisSummary: The cologne for dogs.

Transcript

The Adventures of Tiny ElvisSummary: Tiny Elvis (Nicolas Cage) marvels at the enormity of the normal-sized objects that surround him.

Transcript

Ross Perot Makes a DealSummary: Ross Perot (Dana Carvey) offers complete strangers money to perform bizarre stunts for his own pleasure, as proof of his own power.

Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.

Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey recalls his Uncle Caveman.

Note: Hub, Helios.

Repeat from: 91l.

Bobby Brown performs “Humpin’ Around”

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonSummary: Kevin Nealon delivers a subliminal commentary about Bill Clinton. Chris Rock comments on the first day of school. Opera Man (Adam Sandler) sings about Madonna and other recently celebrity gaffes.

Transcript

Baby NamesSummary: Mr. Asswipe Johnson ( Nicolas Cage) is extra-sensitve about choosing a name for wife’s (Julia Sweeney) expectant child.

Transcript

Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey muses on the top thing an Indian can do.

Transcript

NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Dana Carvey) moderates a Q&A session between Gov. Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) and a series of stupid-yet-undecided voters.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Bobby Brown performs “Good Enough”

Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders what frightens ants the most.

The Queen Shenequa ShowSummary: Queen Shenequa (Ellen Cleghorne) raps with Bobby Brown.

Recurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.

Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders a world gone mad.

Transcript

Mr. Casual Sex

Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey offers a suggestion of what to do if you go temporarily insane.

Note: Repeat from: 91l.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: 1992-1993


]]>

Starring:

Dana Carvey (final: 02/06/93)

Chris Farley

Phil Hartman

Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon

Rob Schneider

Julia Sweeney

Featuring:

Ellen Cleghorne

Al Franken

Melanie Hutsell

Tim Meadows

Adam Sandler

Rob Smigel

David Spade

Episodes

09/26/92: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

10/03/92: Tim Robbins / Sinead O’Connor

10/10/92: Joe Pesci / Spin Doctors

10/24/92: Christopher Walken / Arrested Development

10/31/92: Catherine O’Hara / 10,000 Maniacs

11/14/92: Michael Keaton / Morrissey

11/21/92: Sinbad / Sade

12/05/92: Tom Arnold / Neil Young

12/12/92: Glenn Close / Black Crowes

01/09/93: Danny DeVito / Bon Jovi

01/16/93: Harvey Keitel / Madonna

02/06/93: Luke Perry / Mick Jagger

02/13/93: Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney

02/20/93: Bill Murray / Sting

03/13/93: John Goodman / Mary J. Blige

03/20/93: Miranda Richardson / Soul Asylum

04/10/93: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

04/17/93: Kirstie Alley / Lenny Kravitz

05/08/93: Christina Applegate / Midnight Oil

05/15/93: Kevin Kline / Willie Nelson & Paul Simon

SummaryToo bad for Dana Carvey. Republican President George Bush wasn’t re-elected during the 1992 season, nor was Independent candidate Ross Perot elected. Instead, the victory went to Phil Hartman.. uh.. make that Democratic candidate Bill Clinton. Carvey said goodbye to frequent cold opening shouts of “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”, then said goodbye to six-and-a-half years of being a cast member to leave “SNL” midseason.

More and more, the newer, younger cast members were dominating the show from the old-school antics of Carvey, Hartman, Kevin Nealon and Mike Myers. Chris Farley began to portray a portly motivational speaker named Matt Foley, David Spade created “Hollywood Minute” as a forum for making snide comments about celebrities more famous than himself, and Adam Sandler took to singing badly-rhymed acoustic guitar offerings.

A highlight of this season can be found in guest appearances by former cast member Jan Hooks, who returned periodically to portray America’s staunchiest First-Lady alongside of Hartman’s President Clinton.

SNL Transcripts

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10:18 5.1K91pactioncats.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K91pdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.5K91pdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91pdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91pevents.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.4K91plyle.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.0K91pmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.1K91ppregnant.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.0K91q.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 15K91qernies.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.7K91qgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.6K91qmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.5K91qpat.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.8K91qphil.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.7K91qsexgames.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.7K91qtaysters.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.2K91qtaysters2.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.8K91qtaysters3.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.7K91r.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K91rhandsomeman.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.0K91rlennywise.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.7K91rmakeyouthink.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.5K91rpostures.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.2K91rstandup.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K91s.phtml05-Jul-2007 13:43 12K91sbelvedere.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 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00:00 1.7Kline.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 726 local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 07:45 198 pics/12-Jun-2007 21:43 – space.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 827 space2.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 808 style.css27-Nov-2001 00:00 529

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Parent Directory  – pics/12-Jun-2007 21:43 – 91c.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 82 local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 07:45 198 style.css27-Nov-2001 00:00 529 line.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 726 space2.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 808 space.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 827 91hdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.1K91ideep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.1K91mdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91cdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91gdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91edeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91pdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91cdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91ldeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91gdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91edeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91cdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91pdeep3.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91fdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91jgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 1.2K91odeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.2K91gdeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K91ndeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K91ldeep2.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K91odeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.3K91ideep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.4K91pdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.5K91mdeep1.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 1.5Kbg.jpg22-Apr-2002 00:00 1.7K1991intro1.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 1.9K91gtoilet.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 1.9K91pmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.1K1991intro2.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.4K91pactioncats.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K91sdeep1.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K91ideep3.phtml25-Oct-2007 08:28 2.5K91tdeep1.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K91jsalon.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K91aschmitts.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K91bearthies.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.6K91qgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.6K91mjiffypop.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.7K91ienergy.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.7K91gusfon.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.7K1991intro5.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.8K91b.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 2.9K91elungbrush.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.9K91dcoldcock.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.0K91f.phtml26-Jul-2007 10:08 3.0K91j.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:56 3.2K91h.phtml31-Oct-2007 06:06 3.3K91a.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:18 3.3K91d.phtml25-Oct-2007 05:44 3.4K91k.phtml25-Oct-2007 06:14 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12K91ssabra.phtml02-Dec-2007 06:57 14K91q.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 15K1991intro50q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 17K1991intro41.jpg06-Feb-2007 10:07 18K1991intro45q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 18K

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Parent Directory  – style.css27-Nov-2001 00:00 529 space2.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 808 space.gif12-Nov-2001 00:00 827 pics/12-Jun-2007 21:43 – local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 07:45 198 line.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 726 bg.jpg22-Apr-2002 00:00 1.7K1991intro50q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 17K1991intro45q.jpg28-Mar-2006 07:00 18K1991intro41.jpg06-Feb-2007 10:07 18K1991intro7.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K1991intro6.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.6K1991intro5.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.8K1991intro4.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 6.2K1991intro3.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 5.5K1991intro2.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 2.4K1991intro1.jpg12-Nov-2001 00:00 1.9K1991.phtml12-Dec-2007 13:15 9.5K91tupdate.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K91ttonight.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K91tsprockets.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.7K91tpregnant.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.6K91tmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.8K91tgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.5K91tgannon.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.8K91tdeep1.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.5K91tcowboys.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.7K91tbeach.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 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