Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 31st, 1987 Dabney Coleman The Cars Cassandra Peterson Ric Ocasek Lifestyles Of The Rich, Famous, & ScaryBio: Cassandra Peterson (1951-). Actress; former showgirl at the Dunes in Las Vegas, of which the Guinness Book of World Records lists her as the youngest on record in the city’s history Elvira; joined the Groundlings in 1979, where she developed the prototype for her Elvira, Mistress of the Dark persona.
Montage
Dabney Coleman’s MonologueBio: Dabney Coleman (1932-). Actor; films include “Nine to Five” (1980), “Tootsie” (1982), “Cloak & Dagger” (1984); starred in TV series “Buffalo Bill”, 1983-84 and “The Slap MaxWell Story”, 1987-88.
Fiber
The Winning SpiritSummary: A blind man (Dabney Coleman) expresses extreme bitterness over his disability. Transcript
Don’t Go Down To The Basement
Scoutmaster
The Cars performs “Strap Me In”Also Performed: 83s.
Announcer: Attention, please: During tonight’s performance, the taking of photographs is strictly prohibited.
Sean Penn: I’d like to thank L.L. Cool J for playing my lover in jail. But nothing like that ever happened in jail – not that I didn’t have some opportunities. But I want to make that clear, because I think there’s enough weird conceptions about me already. I guess that the biggest one is that, uh.. that I’m married to Madonna. I wish! And, uh.. the other is that I punch out photographers everywhere I go – yeah, in my dreams! I do, though, have a deep resentment against photographers, but there’s a real good reason for that.
[ piano music plays ]
It goes back to when I was a kid in Hollywood, and a roving gang of celebrity photographers raided and burned our home. I must have been 4 or 5 at the time, but I still remember my father waking me and my brothers up and telling us, “Run from the house, and don’t return until the celebrity photographers have gone.” We lost everything in that fire. And I’ll never forget the picture they splashed across the newspapers – “Malibu Family Flees Burning House”. And, why? Because it was a slow news day. Maybe someday I’ll forget that terrible night, and, if I do, that’s the day you’ll see my smiling face on the cover of the New York Post. Until then, you’ll be seeing this: [ covers his face wih his jacket ]
We have a great show, so stick around. We’ve got L.L. Cool J, and the Pull. We’ll be right back!
[ the phone rings, as Sean stares at it in horror ]
Sean Penn: [ answers ] Hello! Look, Alex, we agreed that you weren’t going to call any more! No, I don’t love you, Alex, because you’re a very sick person! I feel very sorry for you, but I’m warning you – you bother me again, I’ll call the police!
[ SUPER: “Fatal Attraction II” ]
[ phone rings again ]
Sean Penn: [ answers ] This is sick! Why are you doing this?! [ pause ] Oh.. I’m sorry, honey.. no, I thought it was someone else.. uh, this crank caller.. yeah, thanks, I love you, too. Yeah, I’ll call you after the show. Goodbye. [ hangs up, then dials Security ] Yeah, uh.. if an Alex Forrerst calls, just say I’m not here, and don’t take any messages, alright? Thanks. [ hangs up ]
[ Alex knocks on the door, then enters ]
Alex: Hello, Sean.
Sean Penn: Alex..
Alex: I missed you.
Sean Penn: [ stands ] Alex, how did you get in here?
Alex: I told you about my parole hearing, Sean. Why didn’t you come?
Sean Penn: Look, Alex, you’re gonna have to leave!
Alex: No, Sean.. we have to talk about us.. homeboy.
Sean Penn: [ sits ] Alex, I.. I.. don’t think we have anything to talk about.. you were very nice to me in prison, you kept the bigger inmates away from me. I’m very grateful, but that’s as far as it goes – I have a wife!
Alex: Oh, you have a wife now – Madonna, the fabulous Madonna. I guess I’d be a bit of a come-down after her, huh?
Sean Penn: No, that’s not fair.. I mean.. I think you’re a wonderful person. I don’t know, maybe things would be different if I’d met you first, but I didn’t..
Alex: If there’s no chance for us, just say so.
Sean Penn: [ looks at Madonna’s picture, then at Alex, back at Madonna’s picture, then back at Alex ] Could we talk about it after the show?
Alex: I think we’d better. Yeah.
Sean Penn: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Church Lady…..Dana Carvey Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi…..Jon Lovitz …..Sean Penn
Church Lady: Hello, I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”! You know, I get a lots of letters here on “Church Chat”, and, during my summer hiatus, I got one that I’d like to share with you in particular. Alrighty.. [ holds up letter ] ..a boy named Steve writes: “Church Lady, you are a weird chick. What kind of trip are you on, anyway? Who do you think you are – God’s favorite?” Well, Steve, let’s try a little experiment here. If I’m not God’s favorite, let me explode right now! [ nothing happens; she smirks ] I’m still here! [ tears up note ] I think we settled that.
Now, my first guest comes from a country halfway across the world, where they look different, they talk different, and they worship a different Lord. But we at “Church Chat” have an open mind, so let’s welcome Iranian diplomat, Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi. [ Rashashimi sits on the couch ] Well, welcome to “Church Chat”, Rashashimi.
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: May I ask you something? Why are you called the Church Lady? I’m not called the Iranian Guy.
Church Lady: Well, we made a little funny, didn’t we? We like ourselves, don’t we? We just like to talk, talk, talk, talk. Well, listen, Rashashimi, I understand our country had a little run-in with the United States Navy?
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: No matter how big you think you are, you will never control the Gullah! We will come from the East We will come from the West! And you will never know where we strike.
Church Lady: Oh, I think we’ll know, Rashashimi – ever heard of a little thing claled.. RADAR?!
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: We also have radar!
Church Lady: And you also have one less oil platform, don’t you? Thanks, of course, to our fully-loaded F-14 Tomcat Super Pilot.
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: We will destroy you! Mohammed is on our side!
Church Lady: I’m sure Mohammed is a lovely prophet. But we also have a prophet, perhaps you’ve heard of him – a little guy called Jesus? You remember him , Christ our Savior, the Son of Man, the King of Kings, the baby prince, the cloud stud, the heavenly host, Jay Ceeeeee! Okay, Rashashimi, why don’t you and the camel you rode in on just scooch on over, okay? Scoot, scoot, scoot! [ Rashashimi scoots over ] Alrighty.. please welcome my next guet, a critically-acclaimed actor who is sometimes controversial, but always entertaining – Sean Penn!
Sean Penn: [ sits down ] Hello, Church Lady!
Church Lady: Well, welcome, Sean. You know, I’ve got to make a comment here. You know, we met backstage, and you seem like such a nice young man.. and yet, you have this reputation for being a drunken pugilist.
Sean Penn: Well, Church Lady, that’s all over. I’ve put it all behind me, I’ve learned my lesson, and I’ve done my time.
Church Lady: Oh, that’s right, you were in prison, weren’t you? Jail, up the river, in the slammer, downtown, the big house, the cooler, yes!
Sean Penn: I get the point..
Church Lady: Mmm-hmm. And did that little temper get us here, Sean?
Sean Penn: I was, uh, provoked on a few occasions.
Church Lady: Ohhhh.. so we just slug, slug, slug, anytime we feel like it, hmm? Have we ever heard “Turn the other cheek”, Sean? But then, I guess we ouldn’t get all that free publicity, would we?
Sean Penn: Now, wait a minute! I never asked for publicity! I’m not saying my actions were right, but I never wanted the publicity!
Church Lady: Well, what did we want, Sean – the Middleweight title?
Sean Penn: Listen, you’d better lay off of me!
Church Lady: Oh, what a treat. We’re getting to see some of that famous temper, aren’t we? And the cameras are here to catch it – how convenient!
Sean Penn: Alright.. okay.. I’m cool. My agent told me this was gonna be a rough gig, but I want to do it, I’m cool.
Church Lady: Alrighty, alrighty.. well, now that we’re friends again, Sean, I’d like to ask a little favor. [ pulls a camera out of her desk ] I’d like to take your picture for my scrapbook..
Sean Penn: [ angry ] No, we agreed, no pictures!
Church Lady: I’ll put you right next to Jim Nabors.
Sean Penn: No pictures!
Church Lady: No pictures. Alrighty, don’t get all huffy-huffy. No pictures. [ points ] Sean, what’s that over there, some cheese?
Sean Penn: [ confused ] Some cheese? [ looks – Church Lady snaps his picture ] Hey, don’t play games with me, now!
Church Lady: [ puts camera away ] No, never would.. okay, so there’s no cheese over there, after all.. Now, Sin.. excuse me – Sean – we all make mistakes.. now, listen, you are married to.. I’m sorry, what is her name?
Sean Penn: Madonna.
Church Lady: Madonna. Oh.. Madonna. So, she’s named after the mother of our Lord. But she doen’t quite live up to the same standards, does she? One gave birth to the Savior of all mankind.. and the other prances around in a black teddy to the delight of pre-teen onlookers.
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: I have seen this! This is true!
Sean Penn: Shut up!
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: [ starts babbling in Iranian ]
Church Lady: Rashashimi? Rashashimi? Rashashimi? You’re spitting up again. [ to Sean ] Sean, perhaps we’ve unfairly characterized your lovely wife, so, in fairness, let’s show a sample of her work. Can we roll that clip, please?
[ a sexy clip of Madonna’s “Open My Heart” video is played ]
Well, isn’t that special?
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: You see, I told you!
Sean Penn: Shut up!
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: I will give you two million drachma for the dancing woman!
Sean Penn: Just shut up!
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: You like horses? I have horses..
Church Lady: Rashashimi? Please. Rashashimi. Let’s all just settle down here. Now, Sean, as you could see by the video, there she was in her satin corset.. her bulbous buttocks gyrating to the delight of little boys evreywhere.. her chestal area, on all fours, and a very —
Sean Penn: [ extends his fist and punches Church Lady in the nose ]
Rashashimi Khadudi Hasumi-imi-humi: It is true! It is true what the Church Woman has said..!
Sean Penn: [ jumps over the couch and proceeds to strangle Rashashimi ]
Church Lady: [ runs in and smashes a vase over Sean’s head, then hops on his back ] Help me, Jesus! [ Sean fights back, but she drops him with one punch ] Isn’t that special!
[ title bar appears, as camera zooms out ]
Announcer: This has been “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 24th, 1987 Sean Penn L.L. Cool J Michael Penn & The Pull None Joe Dicso Christine Zander Tom Davis Fatal Attraction IISummary: Sean Penn is harrassed by his former prison love interest, Alex Forrest (L.L. Cool J). Transcript
Steve…..Steve Martin Diane…..Victoria Jackson Waiter…..Kevin Nealon Woman…..Jan Hooks Man…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on Steve and Diane sitting at a table in a small, intimate restaurant ]
Steve: Well, uh, thanks for joining me from the bar, Diane. I thought I was going to be eating alone tonight. It is Diane, right?
Diane: Yes.
Steve: So, uh, what do you do for fun?
Diane: Well, um.. in the last year, I’ve really gotten into gymnastics.
[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Steve: You must be in, uh, pretty good shape.
Diane: Well, actually, I was. But for the past month, I’ve been kind of sick.
[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: A month? It must have been pretty serious. Do you mind my asking what it was?Well.. just between you and me, I wasn’t really sick. I got breast implants. But.. I’m okay now!
[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates extra sharply ]
Diane: So, what exactly is it that you do?
Steve: I’m a lawyer.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Diane: Uh.. what kind of law?
Steve: Uh.. public defender.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Well, actually, that’s just the pro bono work I’m doing for my firm. We really represent a lot of celebrities.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Diane: Really? Like who?
Steve: Ohhh.. Frank Stallone.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Uh.. Sam Shephard.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Steve: Uh.. Hume Cronym and Jessica Tandy.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates slowly ]
[ Waiter stops in front of table ]
Waiter: The wine list, sir.
Steve: Ah, thank you. Uh, excuse me. Do you accept credit cards?
Waiter: Uh, no sir. Only cash.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Uh, Diane.. do you have any cash, if I run a little short?
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Diane: Uh.. no, actually.. I’m sorry.. I don’t.
Steve: Oh, don’t worry. I can handle it. [ to Waiter ] We’ll just have half a carafe of the house wine, please.
[ close-up of Waiter’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Waiter: Very well, sir. [ he exits ]
Diane: It’s probably a good thing we’re only getting a half a carafe, because I get a little out of control when I drink. [ laughs ]
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Diane: Until I end up puking in some bus station.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Diane: Or passing out on a sofa somewhere.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
[ cut to next table, where a Man and Woman sit on a first date ]
Woman: So.. enough about me. Tell me about yourself.
Man: Well, I’m.. single.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Man: I’m a doctor.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Man: I’m Jewish.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Man: Orthadox.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
[ cut back to Steve and Diane’s table ]
Diane: [ looking over the menu ] I wonder if I can just get some broiled fish. I’m on this really good diet, it’s a good sex diet.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Diane: It really works, I’ve lost about 110 pounds so far.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Diane: So, where do you live?
Steve: Well, I, uh.. live with my mother.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Actually, she’s got the top floor, I’ve got the bottom three – it’s a brownstone.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Steve: In East Harlem.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: You know, it’s amazing what’s happening up there – the place is worth about five times what I paid for it.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Steve: And, it’s a good thing, too, because I can use the money to help pay Mom’s medical bills.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Of course, the doctor said she could go any day now.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Steve: Or, she could linger on for years.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Hey, this place is too cheap – my wallet’s out in my Porsche outside. Let’s go someplace else!
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
…..Dennis Miller …..Al Franken …..Victoria Jackson
Music Intro: “Should I Stay Or Should I Go”, The Clash.
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Beleagured Judge Robert Bork, in an effort to win some public sympathy, deliberately fell into an abandoned well in his back yard, trapping himself thirty feet underground. So far, no effort has been made to rescue him.
A happy ending to the Midland, Texas rescue operation which retrieved Baby Jessica from the well. Evidentally, she was wedged twenty-two feet below the surface, between three feet of solid bedrock and Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward.
A side note to that story. To squeeze through a narrow underground opening, they sent down a man who had no collarbone. How long you think this guy’s been waiting by the phone, huh?
On Wall Street yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial plummetted more than 100 points, prompting New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.
While Wall Street suffered a down week, condom stocks continued to rise. I often hear people nowadays whine about the fact they have to wear condoms when they make love. This seems to me to be a rather minor argument. I’ll tell you how I approach it. I wear two in my everyday life. When I go to make love, I take one off, I feel like a wild man! Sort of like swinging two bats in the on-deck circle.
You know, it’s really too bad about Judge Bork. Not only has he been rejected, but he already went ahead and ordered his robes.
Robert Bork’s beard has left him for a younger man – ABC “Growing Pains” star, Kirk Cameron.
Jerry Falwell stepped down last week as the Chairman of the PTL, possibly paving the way for the return of Jim Bakker. You know, I don’t trust any of these preachers. I see through these guys like used Nutragena. They say they don’t favor any particular denomination, but I think we’ve all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.
A followup note. Sen. Joe Biden this week issued what he called his final statement on accusations that he plagierized major parts of speeches from other politicians. Biden said he was, in fact, not stealing, but rather he is a channeler. Biden said, “Other people speak through me, particularly politicians.”
Now that congresswoman Pat Schroeder has dropped out of the Presidential race, she’s gone back to her old job working as Senor Wences’ fist.
Dennis Miller: This season, Weekend Update will be following the race for the White House. And who better to cover the last presidential election in the Al Franken Decade than Al Franken himself.
Al Franken: Thanks, Dennis. You know, a lot of people come up to me and say, “Al Franken, why don’t you run for President?” Well, I’d like to be President, I think I’d be a great one. Perhaps one of the greatest in our nation’s history. But I don’t want to submit myself to the intrusive scrutiny characteristic of today’s presidential politics. For example, I’d have to give up adultery. Yes, this is the year of the damaging disclosure. Of course, Gary Hart for womanizing, Joe Biden for plagierism. But every one of the remaining candidates has some sort of skeleton in his closet, some dark secret, some character flaw just waiting to be uncovered. And who better to do it than me, Al Franken. So tonight, starting alphabetically, I confront former two-term Arizona governor Bruce Babbitt.
[ cut to footage of Al’s interview with Gov. Babbitt ]
Al Franken V/O: I caught up to Gov. Babbitt on a recent stopover in New York.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Al, this campaign is about America’s future, how we can control that deficit, the importance of investing in the education of our nation’s children.
Al Franken: Uh-huh. Governor, what about the character issue?
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: What about it?
Al Franken: I’m referring to your long history of going into supermarket express lanes with more than ten items?
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: [ outraged ] Who told you that? The Dukakais campaign?
Al Franken: Well, I don’t want to reveal my sources, but.. yeah.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Look, Al, it’s a lie! It just, it just isn’t true!
Al Franken: Well, Governor, you might want to take a look at this. [ holds up tape labeled “Babbitt Express Lane” ]
[ a stunned expression appears on Gov. Babbitt’ face ]
[ cut to slide graphic, SUPER: “Babbitt Express Lane, Please Return To Dukakis Campaign” ]
[ cut to security camera footage of Gov. Babbitt trying to sneak more than ten items into the Express lane at his local supermarket ]
Cashier: Have a nice day. [ to Gov. Babbitt ] I’m sorry sir, this is the express lane. The sign says 10 items or less and you’ve got.. 14 items.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Aw, c’mon. Give me a break. The soup is 3 for a dollar. That’s one item.
Cashier: It’s still 12 items, sir.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Aw, c’mon… give me a break… I’m running for president. I’m in a hurry.
Cashier: Next please.
[ cut back to Al and Dennis at the Update desk ]
Dennis Miller: Now, Al, how do you think this embarrassing exposure will affect the campaign?
Al Franken: Well, Dennis, it’s already had an effect. The Babbitt damage control team has been meeting around the clock, and the rest of the Dukakis staff has been forved to resign.
Dennis Miller: Now, hold on, Al. I understand from off-camera I’ve been told that Gov. Babbitt is about to make a statement. Let’s go to that, live.
[ cut to live Babbitt press conference footage ]
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Good evening. It is time that I step up.. and admit.. that in the past I have been guilty of the injudicious use of grocery store express lanes. But I would like to point out.. that on one such occasion.. the cashier actually counted a Kellogg’s snack pack as six items.. [ holds up letter ] ..and I have here a letter from Kellogg’s referring to the snack pack as “an item”. But that’s not the point. I have.. more than once.. taken the shortcut in supermarkets.. and I apologize. Now, some say that I should withdraw from the race. But I say.. Hell no!
[ cut back to Al and Dennis at the Update desk ]
Dennis Miller: Well, Al, thank you for the report.
Al Franken: Well, thank you, Dennis. Next time, Missouri congressman Richard Gephardt: does he borrow tools and not return them? This is Al Franken saying, “This is me, Al Franken.”
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Al. Al Franken.
You know, while I realize that the Papal visit to the United States is over, we were on hiatus, and I didn’t get an opportunity to show you this. I hung on to it because I kneww you’d want to see it. Obviously, there was a rather embarrassing moment during the Pope’s tour. The Pope, it seems, walked over a subway grate. [ show “Seven Year Itch” style photo with the Pope assuming the Marilyn Monroe role ] One of those vicous updrafts, you know. Nice legs on the old guy, huh?
People Magazine’s cover story was Pat Anthony, the surrogate mother who gave birth to her own grandchildren. Her daughter Karen plans to legally adopt the triplets, which means the kids’ biological mother is now their stepmother, her husband is no lnoger their grandfather, and they won’t have to call each other “Uncle”. They also announced plans to move to Aurora, Alabama, where this sort of relationship doesn’t seem to be a problem.
Here’s a headline: “New Reagan Policy to Cut Benefits For the Aged, Blind and Disabled.” When contacted for a comment on this rather troubling headline, a spokesman for the President said, “Hey, as long as you spell the name right.”
Actress Glenn Close, following her well-received performance in “Fatal Attraction”, this week signed with MGM to play her most challenging role yet – an unborn child having an affair with a married man. The film, “Fetal Attraction”, is set for a Christmas release.
Dennis Miller: And now, with a sociological introspective on the state of women today, here is Weekend Update correspondent Victoria Jackson.
Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Dennis! [ sighs ] It seems absurd to me that, in 1987, the only women making headlines seem to be religious airheads, party girls and political strumpets. And then I just heard that Suzanne Somers is returning to prime time. These women have set back the feminist movement twenty years, and I, for one, am outraged!
Dennis Miller: [ chuckling ] Victoria, I cannot believe that you’re outraged, with your image.
Victoria Jackson: What are you saying, Dennis?
[ breaks into song ]
“Just because of the way I look Just because of what I wear. Just because of how I act And how I fix my hair. You think you can label me But don’t you dare.
‘Cause I am not a bimbo!
So I giggle when I talk So I wiggle when I walk. I got extra body fat You gonna call me bimbo just for that?
Just because my voice is high And my attitude is light It doesn’t mean that I’m not serious I read Newsweek twice last night! So why should I be The brunt of your jokes, your mockery?
When I am not a bimbo!”
[ spoken ] I know how to work a Xerox machine, and it’s really complicated. I know where the dipstick of my car is, you know when the engine is broken? I’m not stupid, I’m the opposite! Okay, I read my horoscope. But I don’t always believe in it. I may be pruciferous. I may be vacuous. But I am not a bimbo. It has a negative connotation, or something.
“I am not a bimbo!”
[ jumps on desk, removes skirt and dances for Dennis’ pleasure ]
I am not a bimbo!
So I dot my i’s with hearts And I sleep with a teddy bear. It doesn’t mean that I’m not smart I know all about the ozone layer.
You see, I am not a bimbo!
You know that the Second Law of Thermodynamics says the world is in a state of entropy?
Dennis Miller: Really?
[ music close ]
Victoria Jackson: Thank you!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria.
You know, folks, I’m not onyl the Hair Club President, I’m also a member.
While we were away this summer, Lt. Col. Oliver North testified before the Iran-Contra committee, and the transcripts of his testimony are currently available in book form and on videocassette. Some people feel that Oliver North is a hero. Well, I’m just glad the Manson trials weren’t televised.
You know, it was fifteen years ago today that Elvis.. uh.. well, I’m sure he did something. He was the King, it was the weekend.
You know, this week an Iranian ship fired machine gun rounds at an “NBC Nightly News” helicopter, just missing the news crew. A spokesman for the Iranian government apologized later in the day saying, “Hey, we’re sorry! We thought it was the ‘Today Show’ helicopter!”
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!
CPO Martin: (launching into a tirade) Why you fat dumb ignoramus, God, how I hate you! You make me want to puke with your flatulent breath and your ‘I order you to do this’ and ‘I order you to do that’. Who do you think you are, you pusilanimous bag of wheat-gold goat manure! If I had a dollar, no if I had a nickle for every time…
Captain: All, that’s enough! I meant about the voyage!
CPO Martin: Oh!
Admiral: (coming down ladder) What’s going on here?! What’s all this commotion? Come on, I want some answers!
Captain: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Admiral: Yes, go ahead.
Captain: Rot in hell, you great stinking shovel-full of dog barf! Who died and made you king, you fattuous swaining imbecile! If you had any brains in that thick troglydilic skull of yours, you’d still be a pathetic mush-pot!
(Cut to view of ship sailing. Bosun’s whistle sounds, indicating an annoucement over the 1MC.)
Loudspeaker: Now hear this. Permission to speak freely has been recinded for the remainder of the voyage. That is all.
President Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman George Bush…..Dana Carvey Robert Bork…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on interior, White Houe dining area, close-up of President Ronald Reagan ]
President Ronald Reagan: [ light chuckle ] I want to thank everyone for turning out for this old lame duck.
[ everyone laughs ]
President Ronald Reagan: You win some; you lose them. My friend, Judge Bork, knows what I mean!
[ everyone laughs ]
President Ronald Reagan: When he testified, Bob gave it everything he had. Nancy did ask that you shave the beard. [ chuckles ] But other than that, you did everything we asked – and more. I mean, Bob hung in there longer than many of us expected, or even.. wanted. [ laughs ] Bob, life goes on!
[ the attendees applaud ]
President Ronald Reagan: And when you get to be my age, a man is expected to have certain.. enthusiasms. Enthusiasms! What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is it that brings me joy?
[ various suggestions are murmured around the table: “Nancy! The children! The old movies!” ]
President Ronald Reagan: Baseball! [ holds up a bat ]
[ the attendees applaud ]
President Ronald Reagan: A man! A man stands alone at the plate! This is a time for, what? Individual achievement. Like when George Bush here leaves the country for weeks during an important confirmation process, so he can go overseas and look “presidential”. [ chuckles, squeezes Bush’s shoulder ]
George Bush: Ow! Ow, you’re hurting my arm! Ow!
President Ronald Reagan: At the plate, a man stands alone. But in the field, what? Part.. of.. a.. team!
[ murmurs ]
George Bush: Teamwork, Mr. President!
President Ronald Reagan: If a man’s team doesn’t field, what is he?
George Bush: He’s nothing, Mr. President, he’s nothing!
President Ronald Reagan: You follow me! He’s nothing. Noe, I can hit the ball the whole livelong day – Mike Schmidt, Don Mattingly, and so on.
[ attendees chuckle heartily, as Reagan looms over Bork with his bat firm in his hands ]
President Ronald Reagan: But I get nowhere unless the team wins! And when the ball’s hit to you in the big game, when it’s time for it to fall, when you boggle the ball and throw it away, and the manager wants you out of the game.. you’ve got to read the signals, and get.. off.. the diamond!
[ Reagan leans down and clubs Bork in the skull with the baseball bat ]
[ wide shot shows Bork laying across the table, a pool of blood forming beneath his face ]
George Bush: Judge Bork! Are you okay!
[ Bork pulls his head off the table, unphased by the assault ]
Judge Robert Bork: It will take more than that to make me quit! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
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Air Date:
Lifestyles Of The Rich, Famous, & ScaryBio: Cassandra Peterson (1951-). Actress; former showgirl at the Dunes in Las Vegas, of which the Guinness Book of World Records lists her as the youngest on record in the city’s history Elvira; joined the Groundlings in 1979, where she developed the prototype for her Elvira, Mistress of the Dark persona.
