Steve Martin: Thank you very much, welcome to the show! It’s great to be back here on “Saturday Night Live”, on television once again. Because I’ve been doing films, and, as you know, on films there’s a fine line between laughter and tears. in television, there’s a fine line between laughter and two big, fat, greasy hippos rooting in a river bottom for grub. That’s why I enjoy doing television.
It’s been a great year for me – I have to admit, I got married. I feel great about it.. “Roxanne” came out, and people seem to like it.. I have a film opening in just a month, called “Planes, Trains, & Automobiles, with John Candy, directed by john Hughes. I know what you’re saying: “Doesn’t John Hughes always work with these hip, young, with-it, good-looking actors?” Yes!
So, everything’s going great, and we have a great show. All the regulars are back – none of them were fired. And we also have a very special musical guest – Stingy. [ peers at cue card ] Sorry. That’s, uh.. Sting! Who put the “Y” on there? There’s gonna be technical problems tonight, because of the strike going on of technicians. That’s the camera operators, the cue card people.. In fact, before I came out here, the producers said to me, “Now, Steve, when you do your monologue, please stand in one place and don’t move around, whatever you do.” I said, “Wait a minute. That’s not Steve. That’s not what Steve does. That’s not what the audience wants to see.” Because, basically, I’m known for two things: my songwriting, and my dancing. So, I’m gonna do my big dance number for you, and damn with the technical problems! So here it is, I little song I wrote, called “I Bite Down Hard”. The title doesn’t really relate to the song – I just thought it was kind of romantic. Okay, let’s hit it!
[ dances in place ]
“I’m gonna love while I live I’m gonna live while I love Laugh while I live and love, be above!” [ dances stage left, out of camera view, then reappears from stage right ] “‘Cause I.. have.. got.. to.. da-a-a-ance!” [ starts to tap dance, but can only be seen doing so from the waist up ] [ can be heard tapping incredibly fast and furious ] Oh, that hurts! Hey, slow it down!
[ starts swaying back and forth, so profusely that as he leans back his feet poke up from the bottom of the screen ]
Announcer: Good evening, and welcome to “Hans & Franz”, theinformative training program for the serious weighlifter.
Hans: Hello. Let us begin by introducing ourselves. I am Hans.
Franz: And I am Franz.
Together: And we want to.. [ clap their hands ] ..pump you up!
Franz: A little bit about ourselves: We come to the States from asmall village of veightlifters in Austria.
Hans: Yeah, we hope to follow in our cousin’s footsteps, the greatestbodybuilder in the history of the vorld, maybe you’ve heard of him:
Together: Arnold Schwartzenegger!
Hans: Alright, now let’s get started. First of all, before youpump, you must warm up or else you’ll hurt your muscles. Now, listen hear:we can’t make you warm u, that’s entirely up to you!
Franz: Yeah, that’s right. And, hear me now, it’s not our job tocheck up on you, either! So, you know, if you’re not gonna do it, don’tbe jerking us around. All we want to do is..
Together: pump.. [ clap hands ] ..you up!
Franz: Okay, enough talk. Now is the time to go for the pump. Hans,will show you the proper way to lift the veight. Now, pay attention..
Hans: [ picking up the weight ] Yeah, pay attention, because we’renot working for nothing here!
Franz: Yeah. Listen to me now, and believe me later: you know, ifyou don’t think this matters, you know.. maybe we should take a belt toyour buttocks muscle until it’s all black and blue and swollen!
Hans: Alright, enough talk. All we want to do is..
Together: Pump.. [ clap hands ] ..you up!
Hans: Alright, let’s move on with the program. Now, you might askyourself, “Hans & Franz, where do you go once you pump the muscle?” Well,if you’re not a crybaby, you enter yourself into the Mr. Universecompetition.
Franz: Yeah, Hans, that’s why it’s important that you learn to poseand show off your pump. [ together, they pose and show off their pump ]You knoe, you know.. some of you might think this is fun and for sissies, sogo ahead and laugh now, but let me tell you something my friend, we’llbe the ones laughing later!
Hans: That’s right! Here me now, and believe this later: if youwant to play games with us, let me tell you now thing: “Let the games begin!”
Franz: Ya! Ya! Listen, maybe you don’t understand English. Maybethe only time you understand is when you’re pummelled and beaten with a fistfull of pumped-up muscle!
Hans: Alright, enough talk! We’re not here to cut you down, you know.We’re here to..
Together: Pump.. [ clap hands ] ..you up!
Hans: Okay, back to the program. For those of you who are veryserious about the program, you may be saying, “Hey, Hans & Franz, we can’tget enough of the program, what else can we do?”
Franz: Well, Hans, they can send away for our home video right here,you know.. [ holds up video ] It’s called “Pumping You Up”.
Hans: That’s right. It’s only $9.95. Here’s a quick look atwhat you get!
[ cut to preview of the tape, which is more of the same but with a differentcolor workout suit ]
Video Hans: Believe me now, and hear me later: it is people likeyou that are smelly trash, and are pitiful!
Video Franz: Yeah, yeah! Believe me, my friend, when a patheticloser walks into the room, they know. They know, because they cansmell him!
Video Hans: Ya! Because he smells like a..
[ cut back to the real program ]
Hans: That’s right! You just get out of our face, and haveanother bowl of Haagen-Daaz!
Franz: If you don’t work out, someone’s gonna grab you by yourjockstrap and give you the wedgie of your life!
Hans: Ya! You fat, bloody pigs, you know that!
Franz: Ya!
Hans: We don’t want you!
Franz: Ya! Get out of our face!
Hans: Ya! We don’t need you!
Franz: People like you!
Hans: That’s right..!
[ and so on, as the title appears, and the show fades to black ]
[ open on black-and-white image of Woman walking through her apartment ]
Woman’s Voiceover: He’s not worth it.. forget it..
[ she picks up his picture from a coffee table, picks up a phone and tries to call him ]
[ she slams the phone onto the receiver, revealing the man in the picture as Gary Hart – she shoves his picture, and the objects surrounding it, to the floor ]
[ she tears his poster in half, and stomps on the glass encasing his photo ]
[ Gary enters, smoking a cigarette ]
[ furious, she throws her arm out to hit him, but he blocks her and forces a kiss ]
Announcer: Gary Hart. You can’t get him out of your mind. Paid for by the Gary Hart for President Committee.
Bob Albert…..Steve Martin Les Shermeyer…..Kevin Nealon Jeanne Kirkpatrick…..Nora Dunn Tracy Pollackson…..Victoria Jackson Kyle Knopfler…..Dana Carvey
Bob Albert: Hello, and welcome to “Common Knowledge”! I’m yourhost, Bob Albert. You all know our champion Les Shermeyer, a high schoolguidance counselor. Now, let’s meet our challenger, Jeanne Kirkpatrick,former ambassador to the United Nations. Jeanne, are you ready?
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Yes, quite ready.
Bob Albert: Well, that’s good, because we’re going to start withyou. What category, Jeanne?
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Well, actually, I’ve been a professor of History,so I decided to make it interesting, and I choose Literature.
Bob Albert: Alright, Literature for $100, and the answer is: “Authorof the ‘Grapes of Wrath’.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: John Steinbeck. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Ooh, I’m sorry! Ernest Hemingway! [ approachesLes ] Les, you want to stick with Literature?
Les Shermeyer: Uh.. no, Bob, let’s go for State Capitols.
Bob Albert: State Capitols, for $100: Oklahoma.
Les Shermeyer: Oklahoma City. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Alright!
Les Shermeyer: Uh.. let’s keep going.
Bob Albert: New York State.
Les Shermeyer: New York City. [ dings ]
Bob Albert: Very good, Les!
Les Shermeyer: Let’s go again!
[ Jeanne looks on curiously ]
Bob Albert: New Jersey.
Les Shermeyer: Jersey City. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Whoa-ho! You’re on a roll!
Les Shermeyer: Let’s go again.
Bob Albert: Virigina.
Les Shermeyer: Virigina City. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: And last one. Washington.
Les Shermeyer: Washington, D.C. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: You swept through that category! And now, let’sgo on to..?
Les Shermeyer: Literature.
Bob Albert: Literature, for $200: Author of Christmas Carol.
Les Shermeyer: Ebenezer Scrooge. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Okay!
Les Shermeyer: Literature for $300, Bob!
Bob Albert: Literature for $300: Author of Huckleberry Finn.
Les Shermeyer: Tom Sawyer. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Ohh, sorry. The answer is Ernest Hemingway, sorry. [ addresses audience ] And now, let’s take a minute to explain the rulesto “Common Knowledge”. Questions for our show are show are selected byeducators from Princeton University to express a broad range of commonknowledge that every American should possess. Answers for “CommonKnowledge” are determined by a nationwide survey of 17-year-old highschool seniors. And now, back to you, Jeanne.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: [ flabbergasted ] History.
Bob Albert: Alright! History, for $100: His assassination sparkedWorld War I.
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry! The answer is Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.Les?>br> Les Shermeyer: I’m gonna stay with History, Bob, for $200.
Bob Albert: History for $200: The Louisiana Purchase was obtainedfrom this country.
Les Shermeyer: Louisiana. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Alright!
Les Shermeyer: History for $300, Bob.
Bob Albert: Alright. When he discovered America, ChristopherColumbus thought he had landed in..
Les Shermeyer: Columbia. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry. The answer is America. Back toJeanne Kirkpatrick.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Uh.. History, for $400.
Bob Albert: History, for $400: First man to land on the moon.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Neil.. uh.. John Glenn. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Terrific, Jeanne! You’re on the board now!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: History, for $500.
Bob Albert: History, for $500: Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of..
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Gettysburg. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry. Jericho. The Battle of Jericho.Tough one. But, Jeanne, don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to catch up,because it’s time for our Lighning Round! Let’s bring out the 17-year-olds!Bring them out! [ one teenage sits with Jeanne, the other sits with Les ]Okay, Jeanne, you’re being teamed with Kyle Knopfler, a high school seniorfrom Troy, New York.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: How do you do, pleased to meet you.
Kyle: Hi! [ tosses his hair ]
Bob Albert: Kyle, has your high school education given you the toolsyou need to go out into the real world?
Kyle: Uh.. I.. you know.. whatever, I don’t know.. I mean.. yeah,sure.. I guess so.. [ laughs ]
Bob Albert: Terrific answer! [ approaches the opposing team ] And,Les, you’re playing with Tracy Pollackson, a high school senior from NewYork. Tracy, you were supposed to be on the show yesterday, butthere was a mix-up of some kind?
Tracy: I got on the wrong plane.
Bob Albert: Who-ho-ho-ho! Alright, let’s start our Lightning Round!Les picked Presidents. Are you and Tracy ready? Okay, go.
[ clock starts ticking ]
Tracy: [ GRANT ] “The British are coming! The British are coming!”
Les Shermeyer: Grant!
Tracy: [ WILSON ] Dennis the Menace!
Les Shermeyer: President Mitchell.
Tracy: His neighbor!
Les Shermeyer: Woodrow Wilson!
Bob Albert: Alright – Tag Team!
[ Les and Tracy trade places ]
Les Shermeyer: [ TYLER ] Tippecanoe!
Tracy: Nixon!
Les Shermeyer: Pass! [ Kennedy ] Sex!
Tracy: President Hart!
Les Shermeyer: Marilyn Monroe!
Tracy: Kenbnedy!
Bob Albert: Alright, that’s great! Very good! Now, Jeanne. Jeanne,before the show you picked the category of Historical Dates. Are you ready,Jeanne and Kyle?
Kyle: Alright, ready!
Bob Albert: Alright! Begin!
Kyle: [ 1215 ] Uh.. Civil War.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1861.
Kyle: Ci-vil War!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1861-1865!
Kyle: Uh.. pass.. [ 1787 ] Uh.. Pilgrims!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1620.
Kyle: Thanksgiving!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1621!
Kyle: Pass! [ 1929 ] Uh.. uh.. uh.. Gold Rush!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1849.
Kyle: Gold Rush!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1914! 1419! 1945!
Kyle: Pass!
Bob Albert: Tag Team! Tag Team! Let’s go! [ Kyle rushes around toJeanne’s seat, while Jeanne slowly walks around ] Come on, Jeanne, come on!
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry, Jeanne. You only got one right.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: [ peeved ] May I say something, please? Thisprogram is an outrage! This program just doesn’t do justice to the educationalsystem, which upholds the fragile civilization of our country together! Bob Albert: Oh well, sor-ry Je-anne! Les is still our champion, butyou’ll be going home with $400 and a year’s subscription to TV Guide!TV Guide, the most widely-read publication in the world.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: In the United States.
Bob Albert: Oh, whatever you say! Well, anyway, that’s”Common Knowledge”. And remember: It’s not what you know, but what youthink you know! Good night, everyone!
M…..Jon Lovitz Miss Moneypenny…..Nora Dunn James Bond…..Steve Martin Date…..Jan Hooks Waiter…..Phil Hartman Dealer…..Vicotia Jackson Goldsting…..Sting
[ open on M sitting at his desk ]
M: [ presses buzzer ] Miss Moneypenny, will you come in here, please?
[ Miss moneypenny enters M’s office ]
Miss Moneypenny: Something wrong?
M: Have you seen these bills from 007’s last assignment? 12,000 pounds for hotel suites, six trips on the Concorde, eight cases of Tattinger’s champagne. Who the devil does he think he is?!
Miss Moneypenny: Sir, that was a very dangerous mission. Bond pulled it off beautifully.
M: [ stands ] I know that! Now, perhaps if you can set aside your schoolgirl crush for one moment, perhaps you can tell me why a Balanese backwalking session is being charged to the British government.
Miss Moneypenny: It was in the line of duty. The woman tried to electrocute him.
M: Or so he claims. He’s abusing the expense vouchers to support his sybaritic lifestyle, and I won’t stand for it! Where is 007?
Miss Moneypenny: Didn’t you know? He’s on holiday. In the Bahamas.
M: What?! Out spending more on England’s money again!
Miss Moneypenny: No, sir. I made it quite clear to him that his holiday expenses were strictly his own. He undertands that.
M: Yes, but why this week? He knew I had a mission for him.
Miss Moneypenny: Well, sir, he flew the Super Saver. The ticket was only good for this week.
M: [ taken by surprise ] What?
Miss Moneypenny: Well, his frequent flier discount is about to expire.
M: I don’t believe it!
Miss Moneypenny: Frankly, sir, when it’s his own money, Commander Bond can be a bit.. well, I don’t want to say miserly, but.. it’s the Scottish thing. Very tight with the dollar.
M: 007?
Miss Moneypenny: Oh, yes. It’s a side of him we seldom see.
[ dissolve to opening James Bond movie graphics of somersaulting silhoettes of beautiful women ]
[ circle dances across screen, as James Bond enters shooting his gun in comic fashion. He looks down and spots a coin, which he immediately bends down to pick up and show off to the camera. ]
[ TITLE: “Bullets Aren’t Cheap” ]
[ dissolve to Bond on holiday in the Bahamas, as he enters a casino ]
Date: James, darling, I want you to relax. You’re on holiday now.
James Bond: Alright, darling.
[ Waiter passes by ]
Waiter: Would you care for a drink, Madam?
Date: Oh..! [ Bond clenches his teeth in horror ] N-no.. no, thank you.
Waiter: Sir?
James Bond: Yes, I’ll have a Vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred.
Waiter: Right away, sir.
James Bond: Uh.. how much is that?
Waiter: $4.25.
James Bond: Oooh. Ouch! Uh.. what if I use the house brand?
Waiter: It’s the same price, sir.
James Bond: Oh. Well, uh.. what kind of beer do you have?
Waiter: Heineken, Beck’s, Amstel Light, Corona..
James Bond: Ah! A Corona! I’ll have a Corona! Shaken, not stirred. Exactly 42 degrees Fahreinheit.
Waiter: $2.75.
James Bond: Boy.. I told you we should have come at Happy Hour.
[ Goldsting enters the casino, eyepatch over one eye and stroking a bunny rabbit ]
Goldsting: Gregory.. tonight, Mr. Bond’s drinks will be.. complimentary.
[ music sting ]
James Bond: Goldsting!
Goldsting: So, Mr. Bond, we meet again.
James Bond: So this is your game now, peddling alcohol to the highest bidder.
Goldsting: I’m a businessman, Mr. Bond. Do you play baccarat?
James Bond: Yes. [ Goldsting eyes him down ] Oh, now? Now. Sure.
[ they sit at the table ]
Goldsting: Deal Mr. Bond a hand, would you, Victoria?
Date: James, be careful. Goldsting does not like to lose.
James Bond: Oh, like I do? [ reaches for a single note ] Alright. I’ll bet.. mmm.. one pound.
Dealer: I’m sorry, but the minimum bet at this table is ten pounds.
James Bond: Then you will not accept my wager?
[ Goldsting removes the full bid from the inside of his rabbit ]
James Bond: [ sighs ]
Dealer: [ checks cards ] Player wins. Natural Nines.
James Bond: [ sips his beer ] Well, Goldsting.. it appears that you’ve been stung.
Goldsting: You forget, Mr. Bond. The honeybee stings only once, and then he dies.
James Bond: Yes. But the scorpion can sting many times and live to tell the tale.
Goldsting: But you forget, Mr. Bond, the scorpion can be crushed under foot.
James Bond: Ye-es.. [ nods head in agreement ]
Goldsting: [ aggravated ] Oh, get out!
James Bond: [ to Date ] Let’s go, darling.
Goldsting: Uh, Mr. Bond. Your accent, something about it puzzles me. I can’t quite place it.
James Bond: Well, I can’t quite place yours, either, Goldsting.
Goldsting: That’s because mine is English.
James Bond: Oh, really? Well. [ reaches into a bowl of pretzels ] Complimentary pretzels, darling?
[ music sting, as Goldsting pulls Bond’s hand out of the pretzel bowl ]
Goldsting: The pretzels are no longer complimentary, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: [ drops the pretzels on the table ] Ah! It seems I remember a convenience store around the corner where the pretzels are on sale.
[ Goldsting dusts off his rabbit as the scene dissolves to monorails ]
[ dissolve to interior, Bond’s car, as he presents his date with a gift chain ]
Date: Oh, James.. I love pewter.
James Bond: [ chuckles heartily ] Well, I can’t have you running around naked, off where we’re going. Although some people do in.. Orlando.
Date: Darling, I know I’m going to love Epcot!
James Bond: [ chuckles ] Drink your champagne, darling.
Date: [ hands Bond her glass of champagne ] I don’t need this. I need you. Don’t tease me, James. Don’t torture me! [ sits on the bed ] You know what I want! Come to bed, darling! I’m mad about you, mad! Mad, mad, mad, mad! Oh, James, darling!
[ Bond follows onto the bed ]
[ close-up on the champagne bottle, as Bond’s arms extedns to pour the champagne from the glass back into the bottle, then corks it up to keep it fresh ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 17th, 1987 Steve Martin Sting None Bruce Babbitt Cheryl Hardwick The UntouchablesSummary: Because he’s said too much, President Ronald Reagan (Phil Hartman) clubs Robert Bork (Jon Lovitz) in the head. Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, George Bush, Robert Bork. Transcript
MontageNote: Studio 8-H was evacuated just before dress rehearsal because there was a fire in a nearby studio. Even though they were unable to perform a dress rehearsal, Steve Martin was insistent with going ahead with the live show.
Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin doesn’t let a technician strike mar the effect of his tap dance sequence to the song “I Bite Down Hard,” even though it would be more significant if someone were operating the cameras. First Hosted: 76e. Transcript
Gary Hart AdSummary: Gary Hart’s effect on women makes him too hard for them to get him out of their mind. Transcript
Common KnowledgeSummary: High schoolers’ stupidity determines answers to common knowledge trivia questions. Recurring Characters: Jeanne kirkpatrick. Transcript
The NFL TodaySummary: Brent Musberger (Kevin Nealon) questions Jimmy the Greek’s (Phil Hartman) sports predictions. Recurring Characters: Brent Musberger, Jimmy the Greek, George Plimpton.
Slide Whistle Sound EffectsSummary: The sounds of slide whistles reveal a couple’s (Martin, Victoria Jackson) dating expectations. Transcript
Sting performs “We’ll Be Together”Bio: Sting (1951-). Musician; realname: Gordon Sumner; former lead singer/bass player for The Police, 1978-83; released his first solo album in 1985; film appearances include “Dune” (1984); human rights activist; married actress Trudie Styler (his secodn wife) in 1992. Hosted: 90k, 96o. Also Performed: 90k, 92n, 95n, 96o, 99f.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken interviews Bruce Babbitt about his abuse of supermarket express lanes. Via song, Victoria Jackson says to the world: “I Am Not A Bimbo!” Transcript
Bullets Aren’t CheapSummary: A penny-pinching James Bond (Steve Martin) faces his nemesis, Goldsting (Sting). Recurring Characters: James Bond. Transcript
Permission To Speak FreelySummary: Naval officers (Steve Martin, Jon Lovitz) abuse their Permission to Speak Freely by-law privileges. Note: Steve Martin accidentally spits on Jon Lovitz while yelling at him. Transcript
Sting performs “Little Wing”
Adventures In The Lost RealmSummary: An expedition team waits for a dinosaur to finish eating their companion (Jon Lovitz).
Pumping Up with Hans & FranzSummary: Narcissistic bodybuilders, Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon), insult their fitness viewers. Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz. Transcript
SummaryAfter three seasons of unstable casting decisions, returning Producer Lorne Michaels has finally brought the stride back to “Saturday Night Live”. Only three members of his 1985 cast were considered funny and popular enough to bring back for the next season, and 1986’s cast hit such a high-note with viewers that Lorne brought them all back for this season – including an upgrade for featured player Kevin “Mr. Subliminal” Nealon. Although no episode left viewers disappointed, the season did come to an early end due to a writer’s strike. Any other great comedy that was to surface would have to wait until the following season. The biggest disappoint of all was the news that original cast member Gilda Radner had agreed to host by season’s end, but now, because of the writer’s strike, was unable to. By the strike’s end, and the next season’s premiere, Radner had to cancel her engagement when she developed the early signs of cancer.
…..Dennis Miller …..Al Franken …..Victoria Jackson
Music Intro: “Born To Run”, Bruce Springsteen.
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
It was reported this week that a new Boeing 747 was being readied for the president as the next Air Force One. It will arrive in Wichita this month for a year of modification and finishing work. Among the expected modifications will the installation of a new seat belt that even the president himself will be able to operate.
Since he’s been in the White House, President Reagan has gotten two hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, prostate surgery, and he’ss been shot. And we the American people should always remember these things – because he won’t.
In response to the voluminous avalance of mail I received last week, asking why we didn’t actually show a picture of Nancy Reagan as the Riddler – here you are, folks!
Roman Catholic bishops this week said that Pope John Paul II will use TransWorld Airlines for his U.S. visit in September. When you hit your knees tonight, I would ask all of you to pray that the person sitting behind the Pope has already seen the movie.
Among the Jim and Tammy Bakker extravagances revealed this week, was this air-conditioned doghouse, now valued at $5,000. Asked why he would air-condition a doghouse, Bakker said, “Because the dogs kept biting the Jews and Mormons we hired to fan them.”
The Washington Post reported yesterday that Jim Bakker had been seen in the PTL steam room frolicking nude with three other men, and that a neglected Tammy Faye had had her breasts enlarged, hoping for a Marilyn Monroe image. The collective Bakker history should inspire us all to become true believers in a Supreme Higher Power that made sure, out of the five billion people in this world, these two creeps found each other.
Dennis Miller: The Iran-Contra Hearings this week concluded tsestimony by several witnesses, all of whom continued to incriminate Lt. Col. Oliver North. Here to respond to this testimony, is Col. North’s attorney, Mr. Thomas Flanagan, Esq.
Tommy Flanagan: Hello. I’m Tommy Flanagan. And I’m here to tell you that my client, Oliver North, is completely innocent. You know how I know? Because it was.. it was me! Yeah, that’s the tic-.. uh.. isn’t that special! [ smiles ]
See, I was working for the CIA with my wife, Morgan Fairchild.. whom I’ve slept with. And we were spies. Yeah! She was on the cover, and I was under-.. water! Yeah, that’s it! I was disguised as a fish in the Hudson River! Yeah! And I was about to bite into a worm when I was caught. Yeah! And they dsold me to the Russian Tea Room, where I was filleted and eaten. And the next thing you know, I was.. I was back in the Hudson! [ shifts eyes ]
So I got on a jet, and I flew to Switzerland with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve slept with. And we were gonna hide.. deposit the money, when my plane crashed in the Himalyas. Yeah, that’s it! And to stay alive, we ate the survivors. ‘Cause the dead ones were rotten! Yeah! So there I was, fighting over the tall co-pilot, with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve seen naked! When suddenly, the co-pilot woke up, and he kicked me in the head, and I blacked out! And the next thing you know –
Dennis Miller: Wait a minute, Tommy. What does this have to do with Col. North?
Uh…n-n-nothing! You see, that’s my point! He had nothing to do with it! Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Dennis Miller: Tommy Flanagan. Thanks, Tom.
In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French judge and jury, accused Nazi war crimial Klaus Barbie told a stunned courtroom in Leone this week that his favorite movie has always been “The Nutty Professor”.
Sixty years ago this week, Charles Lindbergh made the historic first transatlantic solo flight in The Spirit of St. Louis, thereby paving the way for those cretins to lose my luggage.
[ to picture of “Ernest Goes To Camp” poster ] Well, this thing came out this week. What in the hell is wrong with mankind?
Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers cancellation, ABC has cancelled “Our World”, which featured Linda Ellerbee. The two unemployed women plan to get together and open a chain of charm schools in Libya.
Donna Rice, of the recent Gary Hart scandal, was dropped from Proctor & Gamble’s commercial for Foldger’s Coffee. This decision really surprises me, folks, because she would seem to be an ideal spokesperson for a coffee company – I mean, it’s obvious she’s good at keeping people up all night.
This is Ellen Stolz, 23, a paraplegic student from California, who it was announced will appear in an eight-page layout in the July issue of Playboy Magazine. Defending his action, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner said, “While Ellen is paralyzed from the neck down, many of the young women who have appeared in our centerfolds in the last thirty years were paralyzed from the neck up. Trust me, I know. I’ve hit on them all.”
A manuscript of a Mozart symphony sold yesterday at Sotheby’s in London for $4.4 million, the highest price ever paid for a music manuscript. The lowest price ever recorded for a music manuscript was last January, when somebody bought the original manuscript of Lionel Richie’s “Ballerina Girl” for a buck-seventy-five.
The Vandasolay people came out with a new product this week – Vandasolay #45. When applied to the skin, it destroys the sun, and, consequently, the solar system as we know it.
This week, the United States Patent Office officially changed the name of the TV remote channel changer. From here on in, it’ll be referred to as a chh-chh!
Dennis Miller: Here one last time for the season, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture. Hello, Whitney.
A. Whitney Brown: Dennis. Thank you. As always, at this time of year, I’d like to address a few remarks to the latest blooming flower of our educational system, the Class of 1987. Unfortunately, a full 16% of you out there will be functionally illiterate. I’m afraid you’ll have a hard road to hold in the job market. After all, there are only so many staff positions at USA Today.
But, in many ways, you’re wiser than my own generation. We wanted to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. God, what a bunch of simps we were. My advice to you is, just try and make the world a little bit better place, for those who can afford it. And, of course, you have to stand up for what you believe in, even though you could be wrong. Because there are two sides to every issue. Then again, sometimes there isn’t. So, you have to keep an open mind. That is, unless you’re right. And even then, you never know. Unless you’re sure. In which case, it’s probably not worth sticking your neck out.
[ Whitney takes out a series of ping-pong balls ]
Perhaps a visual aid would help. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “World” ] The world is a complex place. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Gene Poll” ] On one hand, you have commitments to your family. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “$” ] Which is not always consistent with your professional goals. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Patriotism” ] Which, as we’ve seen, often run counter to the interests of the country as a whole. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “The Big One” ] And hanging over everything, the constant threat of nuclear annilhation. [ collects ping-pong balls between his hands and stands ] Well, you have to keep all these things going at the same time, and, believe me, it won’t be easy. [ juggles the ping-pong balls to perfection, only dropping one of them towards the end ] Thank God it wasn’t career!
That, my friends, is The Big Picture.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Now, did you do the elaborate lettering on those balls yourself?
You know, Snow White turned 50 this week. When asked if this was a happy time in her life, she said, “Oh, yeah, my life’s been great. I’ve been stuck in a house for the last thirty years with seven midgets, not one of whom is named Horny.”
Dennis Miller: You know, since this is the end of our season, and we won’t see each other for a while, I’d like something to remember you all by. [ pulls out a Polaroid camera ] So, if everybody at homecould just get around your TV sets.. Come on, everybody. Say “government surplus cheese.” [ snaps the picture, as the Polaroid image pops out ] I’ll keep this close always.
Now, guess what, folks? I’m gonna go grow my hair for a few months, so thanks for a nice year, ’cause that’s the season, and I am out of here!
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: May 23rd, 1987 Dennis Hopper Roy Orbison None
Roy Orbison, “Crying”
Easy Rider Wyatt (Dana Carvey) and Billy (Hopper) survived their southern shooting.
Dennis Hopper’s Monologue Hopper says it’s great to be clean and sober.
Church Chat Hopper and Church Lady (Dana Carvey) discuss wilder days. Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Jenny Baker.
Roy Orbison performs “Crying” and “Pretty Woman”
Frank Booth’s What’s That Smell? Contestants must inhale odors and guess the correct smell. Recurring Characters: Robin Leach, Tammy Faye Bakker.
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) lies about client Oliver North’s innocence. A. Whitney Brown demonstrates juggling act for the Class of ’87. Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.
Problem Drinkers From Outer Space Drunken aliens (Hopper, Phil Hartman) give press conference on Earth.
This Week with David Brinkley Sam Donaldson (Kevin Nealon) distracts panel discussion by leaning back in chair. Recurring Characters: David Brinkley, George Will, Sam Donaldson.
Cannibal Job Interview Cannibalism questions are raised during Hal McGowan’s (Hopper) job interview.
Roy Orbison performs “In Dreams”
Last Chance Gas Station Small town car mechanic (Hopper) argues with businessman (Phil Hartman).
Sweeney Sisters Liz (Nora Dunn) and Candy Sweeney (Jan Hooks) sing “goodbye” medley. Recurring Characters: Liz Sweeney, Candy Sweeney.
Air Date:
Roy Orbison, “Crying”