SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
Tour Leader…..Tom Schiller
Nadia Comanechi…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are Jane Curtin and Don Aykroyd.

Dan Aykroyd: That’s Dan Aykroyd.

Announcer: What was that?

Dan Aykroyd: That’s Dan, Don.

Announcer: [ amused ] Oh, I’m sorry, Dan! It must have been a typographical error in my script! I beg your Pardo!

Dan Aykroyd: That’s pardon.

Announcer: [ more amused ] Oh, I’m sorry! It must have been a typographical error!

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you, Don Pardo.

Our top story tonight: Professor John Van Vleck, of Harvard University, won the Nobel Prize for Physics this week. He is shown here with his invention: a party doll for older men. Congratulations, Professor.

Jane Curtin: A terrorist group calling themselves the Gay Bakers struck again yesterday, this time in Des Moines, Iowa.

[ cut to footage of Anita Bryant seated at a table during a press conference ]

Jane Curtin V/O: Now, watch this:

Anita Bryant: — all kinds of problems. And, uh, everyth —

[ suddenly, a cream pie is shoved into Bryant’s face ]

Male Voice: No, no! Let him stay.

Anita Bryant: Well, at least it’s a fruit pie!

[ cut back to the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: Fortunately, Ms. Bryant, who was not inujured, enjoyed a good laugh, and said it was okay if the assailant dated her husband!

The National Association of Broadcasters, better known as the N.A.B., has issued revised guidelines for laxative commercials on television, stating graphic representations of symptoms and/or product mechanics shall not be permitted. For example: rain, rivers, gelatin, concrete blocks, etc. The laxative industry’s Delegation of United Manufacturers and Producers, better known as D.U.M.P., issued a reply saying, “We have received the guidelines and shall draw our conclusion, as we usually do, by a process of elimination.”

Dan Aykroyd: Dodgers fan Miss Lillian Carter, this week, told the Los Angeles Times that she doesn’t like ABC sportscaster Howard Cosell, saying “I don’t want him to die, but I wish they’d take him off the air.” Cosell, responding to the remarks of the 79-year-old Presidential Mother, reportedly said, “I have no animosity toward Miss Lillian… and I hope she lives to be 80.”

[ tour group enters and starts wandering around the set, alarming Jane and Dan ]

Tour Leader: — of course, this is the “Update” set, in Studio 8-H, where “Saturday Night Live” is produced every Saturday evening.

Dan Aykroyd: What’s going on here? What’s the story? What’s going on here?

Tour Leader: This is the Chroma-Key area. There’s Dan Aykroyd and Jane curtin, who are — I’m sorry, Chevy Chase is no longer with the show. If you’ll come this way, we’ll see the recording studio…

Dan Aykroyd: [ picks up the phone on the desk ] Control? Yeah, they just brought a tour through the “Update” set, and… Oh, that’s going to be normal procedure? Oh, okay… [ he hangs up ] I don’t know. [ he sighs, then continues ]

With the discovery of still another diamond dealer’s body this week in Puerto Rico, the count is now at least six murders of diamond dealers, with more discoveries anticipated. Authorities, with few clues to go on, are now confronted by the possibility of a motive — they’re calling it… “gemocide”.

Jane Curtin: This week, the Supreme Court upheld Congress’ ban on the use of Medicaid money for abortions. The court ruled that a fetus becomes a human being at three months, if the parents earn $15,000 or more a year. And at one month, if the parents earn less.

Nadia Comanechi, the fifteen-year-old darling of the 1976 Olympics has just begun a 60-city tour of the United States, and, frankly, I couldn’t be happier. She’s like poetry in motion, and we have this footage for you right now.

[ cut to footage of Nadia Comaneci doing gymnastics — a flip, a tumble, looking cute for the crowd ]

Nadia Comaneci: Hi! I’m Nadia Comeaneci! Aren’t I cute! Please. Come see me perform all over this country when I come to your city! I’m only fifteen-years-old now, but I have to make all the money I can, because I won’t be cute forever! Before you know it, I’ll grow up to be a big fat Romanian woman with fat thighs and a moustache like my mother! We don’t age so good! So, who’s gonna want to see me then? It’s so hard to do gymnastics while you’re arguing with storekeepers! So, see me now, while I’m still darling! Bye!

[ cut back to the newscast, as Dan and Jane banter ]

Dan Aykroyd: You know, Jane, she is so cute, that girl.

Jane Curtin: She sure is.

Dan Aykroyd: But I thought the parallel bars were her first love?

Jane Curtin: Mine, too. A lot of us girls who took gym class lost it to the parallel bars.

Dan Aykroyd: The Calhoun National Bank, in Georgia, has constructed a new office for returning bank executive Bert Lance, following Lance’s request that he be allowed to start al over again at the bottom.

Jane Curtin: Well, the World Series opened this week, and, after four games, the Yanks are leading three games to one. [ audience cheers ] Tomorrow, they’ll play the fifth game at Dodger Stadium, with Ethel Merman singing the National Anthem before the game. [ reveal photo of a dolphin ] The Yanks have surprised a lot of skeptics with their pitching, despite the fact that most of their pitchers are injured. But, as insurance, in the event that the Series does go the full seven games, the Yanks have announced the signing of former St. Louis Cardinals’ Dizzy Dean. Despite the fact that Dean has been dead for the past two years, the Yankee brass is confident that he’ll still fare better than Catfish Hunter.

Dan Aykroyd: I’m sure Dizzy’ll bounce back there…

[ the NBC Dancing “N” dances in with a bulletin ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, we have a buletin coming in on the NBC Dancing N. This is the NBC Bews update Dancing N. [ he tears the bulletin off the side of the “N” ] This just in, from your National Drug Abuse Association: “Cocaine and heroin do not mix. If you must snort, don’t shoot.”

Jane Curtin: Well, tonight, we’re proud to announce that tonight’s show is the first “Saturday Night Live” to be broadcast overseas to the Armed Forces Network. And we’d like to welcome some one million military personnel who are watching “Weekend Update” for the first time. Uh.. this just in – we’re at war. Army personnel, turn off your sets and do what you’re supposed to do. Just kidding! Good night, and have a pleasent tomorrow.

Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday Night News”, keeping American informed for over a fiftieth of a century.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women

Captain Macho…..Hugh Hefner
Lt. Testosterone…..John Belushi
Coporal Hardin…..Dan Aykroyd
Corporal Fellopia…..Laraine Newman
Captain Estrogena…..Jane Curtin
Lt. Aeriola…..Gilda Radner

[ SUPER: “It is the year 3,000 in the distant Mirror Universe. One side of this Universe is ruled by the Men; the other side is ruled by the Women. An asteroid storm from the planet LUBRICAX has shattered the delicate solar mirror which separates both sides, and each has just discovered the other’s existence. Conflict is inevitable as the first starship of THE MEN races toward the first starship of THE WOMEN, for a battle in deep space.” ]

[ SUPER: “Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women” ]

[ open on interior, Spaceship of the Men, long and shaft-like ]

Captain Macho: How long until we accept the the enemy vessel, Lt. Testosterone?

Lt. Testosterone: Two minutes ’til battle phase, Captain Macho.

Captain Macho: Corporal Hardin, has that detectoscan given us any further data on what we’re gonna be up against?

Corporal Hardin: Detectoscan and bioanaylsis indicate the occupants of the enemy ship are different but basically equal to us. However, Captain Macho, our ship is physically superior to theirs.

Kyle: Caption Macho, the enemy ship is within firing range.

Captain Macho: Alright, set rockets for cruising. Eveybody stay cool. Let them make the first move.

[ camera pans to window for view of Spaceship of the Women ]

[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Women, donut-shaped ]

Corporal Fellopia: Captain Estrogena, the enemy starship is within electroscanning distance.

Captain Estrogena: What dos it look like, Lt. Aeriola?

Lt. Aeriola: Here it is, Captain. [ Spaceship of the Men is seen from outside the window ] Their ship is not as big as we had hoped.

Corporal Fellopia: And, from this manuevering, it appears that our opponents have little control over their craft.

Captain Estrogena: Alright, women, let’s break down their defenses, and hit them at their weakest point. Corporal Fellopia, activate the Horn Ray.

[ Corporal Fellopia presses button on “boob” ray, firing shots at Spaceship of the Men ]

[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Men, the Men reacting to the ray ]

Lt. Testosterone: Mmm.. you know.. my flight suit feels real tight..

Kyle: Yeah, we’ve been on the ship about two years now..

Captain Macho: Listen, men, we’re being bombarded by some kind of powerful new weapon, but we must gain control. Kyle, try counting backwards from 100, or try thinking about sports.

Corporal Hardin: I can’t take this much longer, Captain. Can’t we do something to stop them?

Captain Macho: Maybe if we give them a scare. Let’s fire the Mouse Ray.

Kyle: Firing the Mouse Ray. Mmm..

[ fire Mouse at the Spaceship of the Women ]

[ show Women standing atop their chairs screaming in panic ]

[ cut back to interior, Spaceship of the Men ]

Lt. Testoterone: Captain, Macho, we’ve lost control! We’re going to collide!

[ the two spaceships collide phallically, Spaceship of the Men stuck in between the Spaceship of the Women ]

[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Women ]

Captain Estrogena: Damage report?

Corporal Fellopia: No serious damage, Captain, but our vessel will never be the same.

Lt. Aeriola: Maybe we should give them half-an-hour, and see if they’ll attack again.

Captain Estrogena: I don’t know about you, but I could certainly use a cigarette.

[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Men ]

Captain Macho: That was some battle, men. I think we’d better get some sleep.

Kyle: Are you sure, Captain? Are you sure? I think we ought to do battle again right now!

[ Men on spaceship fall asleep ]

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

Announcer: Join us next week for “Escape From the Planet of the Gays”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

The Playboy Philosophy

Socrates…..John Belushi
Plato…..Garrett Morris
Hef…..Hugh Hefner

[ open on group of ancient Romans ]

Announcer: Athens in the year 400 B.C. The cradle of Western civilization, and the birthplace of… The Playboy Philosophy. Each day, the wise men and youth of the city would gather in the marketplace to ask questions of the philosophers, and to learn at the feet of the one they called… Hef.

Socrates: If you recall, friends, yesterday we spoke of the ideal life. How should a man live? My answer, simply: Know thyself.

Plato: A wise thought, Socrates. And I said that a man ought to lea a just life, a life of harmony.

Socrates: Hmm… well spoken, Plato. But what say you, Hef? You who have traveled wisely, and have visited all the topless resorts? How should a man live?

Hef: Ah, but let us define our terms. Tell me, Plato: What is a man? A creature of desire? Of courage? Of reason?

Plato: Yes, of course!

Hef: Mmm-hmm. Then, WHY is a man different from the beast? The lion has courage. But does the lion decorate his cave… with a leather bedspread and shag carpeting?

Socrates: Uh-uh.

Plato: No.

Hef: And does the fox choose the aftershave lotion that is right for him?

Socrates: Ahhhh! I see! I see! The man is the only creature who can enjoy a sensual and uninhibited lifestyle, and-and-and-and live free and work hard!

Plato: [ first in Latin, then: ] “I have my own set… therefore, I am!”

Hef: Ah! Once again, Hef, you have proven yourself the wisest and most swinging of the Greeks. But answer this, if you can. One night last week, following a delicious dinner of musaka and white wine… I was startled to hear the young lady I was entertaining ask if I had a bottle of Ouzo. Just what is Ouzo, anyway, and where do I buy it?

Socrates: Well, this is indeed a difficult riddle! Now, here’s one for you: [ he clenches his pipe in his teeth and holds up a vase ] How many of you can spot the rabbit on this vase?

Plato: Mmm, mmm, mmm! You are far too SLY for us! Clearly, you have no equal in the field of sophisticated men’s entertainment! But, we’ve had enough for today. Shall we go to my house? The sauna is working now.

Socrates: Yes, let’s go!

[ they start to rise ]

Hef: Well, you two go without me. I must stay here and sit and ponder… the ultimate question.

[ the other men are fruatrated ]

Socrates: Aw, give up, Hef! Night after night, you brood over the same question! Come with us — we’ll have a drink and playboy forum!

Hef: No. Leave me now. I’ll join you later.

Socrates: I’ll leave you to your thoughts.

[ Socrates follows after the other men ]

Hef: [ thinking out loud ] To go pink, or not to go pink?

[ pan upwards on set and into audience, closing in on attractive blonde with SUPER: “Gives Great Expectations” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Listening To Great Music

…..John Belushi

Announcer: And now it’s time for “Listening To Great Music”, the program dedicated to musical appreciation, with your host, John Belushi.

John Belushi: Good evening, music listeners. I’m John Belushi, and tonight, on “Listening To Great Music”, we are going to hear a rare recording of Richard Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries”, from “The Valkyries”, one of my favorites. Written in 1855, its familiar theme is charged with fiery passion and textured with the full orchestra, completing the original melody in powerful, forceful brilliance. Wagner often writes music which seems to evoke a sort of suggestive of place, of things. So, as I play the record, you try to imagine for yourself, images which appear before your brain from the music. Okay? Just imagine..

[ plays record ]

Horses! Horses! Ah, people! Mountains! Snow! Landscapes! A horse! The sky! A field! A big show with a lot of horses! A lot of people going into the show, some are trying to get in free. Ah, but they can’t! Some people can’t get in free, because they know that people are in the show! Everybody’s having a good time, and then.. and then, there’s..

[ skips record ]

Ah, rainbows! Ah! Rainbows, waterfalls.. ooh, they’re two people who meet and fall in love! And immediately they fly to Hawaii. Oh, they want to get married, but they can’t! Because the father doesn’t approve of the marriage, so finally they have to get the father to approve of the marriage! But suddenly, suddenly there’s a war!

[ skips record ]

Ah! There’s a war! Everybody’s gonig to Russia, to fight the enemies! Aaagghh!! Look out! Look out! Spy planes and rockets!

[ skips record ]

Rockets! Rockets! The Cossacks are coming! The Cossacks are coming! They’re coming in the house! They’ve got Kirby! They’ve got Kirby! Medic! Medic!

[ skips record, overturns stereo and wrecks the set ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Hugh Hefner’s Monologue

…..Hugh Hefner

[ Hugh Hefner enters the apron of the stage dressed in his signature bathrobe and brandishing a pipe. He sits on a stool. ]

Hugh Hefner: Thank you, thank you. Well, when Lorne Michaels first asked me to host “Saturday Night Live”, I wasn’t quite frankly sure I could handle it, because I am, after all, a magazine publisher, not a performer. And, anyone who ever saw my own TV show, “Playboy After Dark”, can attest to that. But I have a couple of friends who think I’m almost as funny as Ralph Nader, so I figured, “What the hell?”

Since male fashions are a very important part of Playboy, I was concerned about what to wear on this opening monologue. Lorne was very helpful, he told me to wear whatever I felt comfortable in. He said, “Just wear what you wear when you host a party at the Playboy Mansion.” Well, this is it.

I started Playboy back in the 50’s, from an initial investment of some $600, and I’ve built an empire that’s worth almost $200 million. But I didn’t do it alone. It took a lot of dedication and a lot of hard work from some very talented people. And it took something more – a kind of faith, a belief in something greater than oneself, and that’s why each time I see a little girl of 5 or 6 or 7, I can’t resist the joyous urge to smile and say..

[ starts singing “Thank Heaven For Little Girls” ]

[ SUPER: “We were only too happy to let Hef sing a song – and we agreed with him on this one because Hef basically is a very religious man. He thanks Heaven for a lot of things besides litle girls: Big girls, enormous girls, gigantic girls – just name it, and Hef will thank Heaven for it. You see, if Hef hadn’t become a publisher, he’d probably have been involved with religion in some way. For example, he might have been a Missionary – a position in life he has a lot of respect for. So when Hef thanks Heaven for little girls, its his way of being sort of an evangelist – of disseminating his real feelings – of spreading the thing he truly believes in. Look, maybe he isn’t the best singer we’ve ever heard – but we say thank Heaven for a boy who puts his money where his mouth is.” ]

[ finishes singing ]

We’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Goodnights

…..Hugh Hefner

Hugh Hefner: Thank you all for making this such a wonderful adventure. Thank you! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Magical Eulogy

John Holse…..Dan Aykroyd
Hartley Raymond…..Bill Murray
Widow…..Gilda Radner
Gary…..Hugh Hefner
Organist…..Paul Shaffer
Mourners…..Tom Schiller, Andy Murphy
Mr. Gilsrack…..Alan Zweibel

[ open on funeral ]

John Holse: And so, upon this grievous occasion, because we at the Halson-Plaker Funeral Home did not really know Jonathan Gilsrack, we’ve called upon his closest friend in life to deliver the eulogy. Hartley Raymond. Hartley?

[ Hartley steps forward ]

Hartley Raymond: Thank you, John Holse. Hello, everybody, I’m Hartley Raymond. I’m sorry we all had to meet under these circumstances, but that is life… and death, too, huh? [ people cry ] Hey! You know, I don’t like seeing everyone so down. You know, Jonathan wouldn’t have wanted it this way. You know, to Jonathan, life was a party. Think of a word that describes Jonathan. Go ahead. Everybody, think of a word. Alright, have you got it? How many people were thinking “Terrific”? Hands? Four out of nine. Almost HALF of you were thinking that Jonathan was terrific.

[ the widow starts to cry ]

Oh, please don’t cry, Mrs. Gilsrack. I hate to see you cry. Come on, lighten up a little. You know what? On arriving here today, I saw this beautiful wreath of flowers. Aren’t they lovely? And I felt better just looking at them. I said to myself, “You know, gosh, they’re beautiful.” They look just like the ones I have right here. [ pulls plastic flowers out of his sleeve ] How about that? [ gives them to the widow ] They’re for you. Take them, Because you’re beautiful and pretty, okay? A little hocus-pocus, but… what is life but an illusion, huh?

Now, I’m just trying to cheer everybody up a little bit — and I’m gonna KEEP trying. But I’m going to need a volunteer from the mourners to step up and help. Now, how about — how about this pretty girl rigt here? [ he points to the widow ] The Widow Gilsrack! Come on!

Widow Gilsrack: No, no, no…

Hartley Raymond: Let’s bring her — oh, come on! Don’t be shy! Maybe if we give her a hand, she’ll come up! Come on! Let’s hear it for her! [ the mourners begin to clap her on ] Come oooonnnn!! Isn’t she marvelous! Come on up, Mrs. Gilsrack! Come on! [ she steps up ] Terrific! Thank you. Now, we have never met before in our lives, have we? [ he chuckles ]

Widow Gilsrack: What do you mean, Hartley? I — what?

Hartley Raymond: Of course, we have! I’m just kidding! Good. I think we’re gonna succeed. Now, do you believe in spirits?

Widow Gilsrack: Oh… w-well, I-I-I… don’t know…

Hartley Raymond: Be honest.

Widow Gilsrack: Well, I-I-I… [ she begins to cry ] I don’t know!

Hartley Raymond: Alright, alright. Shh, shh, shh! Alright, now, on my way over here, I had the most ridiculous thought. Typical of me — ridiculous! I thought: what if the spirits really did speak from the Beyond? [ the room goes silent ] A little music, Professor, please.

[ the organist plays spooky music ]

Hartley Raymond: [ he removes a pack of cards from his pocket ] Now, I’ve got here an ordinary pack of playing cards, as you can see. Now, there’s nothing up my sleeves. Now, I’m gonna prove that the spirits CAN talk, and, hopefully, John’s gonna help us out a little bit. [ he fans the cards ] Now, go ahead — pick a card.

[ Mrs. Gilsrack picks a card, as Hartley looks at the mourners ]

Hartley Raymond: Hey! Now, what’s the matter with you, Gary? Hey, now — did you want to be my little assistant, too? You knucklehead! You want to be my little assistant, too? Come on up here, I’m gonna need TWO assistants! Get up here! [ Gary steps up ] Okay, now, you hold the deck — here, you hold the deck! [ he hands the deck to Gary ] Now, when I say “Go!”, I want you to lead the congregation in saying: “Yes, the spirits can talk!” Will you do that for me, Gary? [ Gary nods ] Alright. [ he turns to Mrs. Gilsrack ] Mrs. Gilsrack, do you still have the card?

Widow Gilsrack: Yes, I —

Hartley Raymond: Fabulous! Okay, Gary, you know what to do?

Gary: Yes, I —

Hartley Raymond: Terrific! Okay, get ready! Gary!

Gary: “Yes, the spirits can talk…”

Hartley Raymond: Come on — everybody, now!

Mourners: “Yes, the spirits can talk…”

Hartley Raymond: Oh, come on!! You couldn’t raise a FLAG, let alone the DEAD!! Now, let’s hear it!!

Mourners: “Yes, the spirits can talk!!”

Hartley Raymond: Alright! [ he leans his head toward the casket ] Now, Jonathan, what’s the card? What?! [ he raises his head ] He says he lost the service! Can you believe this guy? [ he taps the side of the coffin ] Get out of here! [ he leans in again ] What are you saying? What are you — [ he raises his head ] He won’t TELL me!

Widow Gilsrack: Tell him, Jonathan!! Tell him, Jonathan!!

Hartley Raymond: What? Alright, Jonathan. [ he stands straight ] Jonathan has told me… that your card… is the nine… of diamonds. Is that correct? Nine of diamonds.

Widow Gilsrack: [ she looks at her card and holds it up ] No, it’s — it’s the seven of spades.

Hartley Raymond: What?

Widow Gilsrack: It’s the seven of spades.

Hartley Raymond: [ a beat ] A miserable mistake. Well… I guess the dead… stay where they are. Dead. [ Mrs. Gilsrack cries ] What? Oh, no, wait! [ he cocks his ear toward the coffin ] What’s that? What are you saying, Jonathan? What? Look in his pockets? Alright, if you say so ! [ he reaches in and pulls up an oversized card ] The seven of spades, everybody! Come on! Thank you! Thank you! Gary, you were terrific for helping out. I’m gonna need this deck — thank you! Terrific!

[ Mrs. Gilsrack and Gary take their seats ]

Hartley Raymond: Now, my next trick is a special tribute to the deceased, and, for that, I’m gonna bring back Mr. John Holse. John? [ John returns ] Now, as you can see, this casket is a solid wood casket with no trap door. Tell them about it, John, would you, please?

John Holse: He’s lying in a Holson-Plaker’s exclusive dry weight Burkemaster casket. It’s a full mahogany box with a flannel covering, and three full inches of vinyl sealant to protect your loved ones from weathering, moisture and insects for 99 years. Another thick, strong casket from the people at Burkemaster.

Hartley Raymond: Okay, alright, everything alright in here, Jonathaan? [ lifts casket, throws voice ] “S’alright!” [ closes casket, laughs ] Hey, get out of here, you nut! Okay, now this is a trick first designed by the famous French psychologist, Dr. Emile Quave. The good doctor was quoted as saying, “Dead men feel no pain.” Let’s hope the good doctor was right!

[ Hartley and John saw the casket in half, then pull the casket halves apart ]

Now, the hard part!

[ they lock the casket halves back together ]

Don’t blink your eyes, or you’ll miss Jonathan Gilsrack! 1, 2, 3! [ opens casket ] There he is! Thank you! You didn’t feel a thing, did you, Jonathan? He’s a good sport, isn’t he? He’s terrific. John Holse, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Well, thank you very much, I hope you had a little bit of sunshine put into your life today. Look, when you’re leaving, drive carefully; and, if you don’t have a car and are walking, watch out for the rain. But just remember this:

[ he leads everyone into a chorus of “Put On A Happy Face” ]

[ zoom out to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Japanese Big Mac Sneak Attack” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Sex In Cinema

…..Hugh Hefner
Cary Grant…..Bill Murray
Katherine Hepburn…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: Welcome to the history of “Sex In Cinema”, and here’s your host, noted sex authority, Hugh Hefner.

[ open on Hugh Hefner staring at a 35mm film reel ]

Hugh Hefner: [ pulls film reel away ] Oh, hello. I’m noted sex authority, Hugh Hefner. Welcome to the history of “Sex In Cinema”. As you know, on “Saturday Night Live”, one can say anything one likes. For example, the word “penis”.

[ cut to black screen, SUPER: “PLEASE STAND BY” ]

However, there was a time when American entertainment was censored by puritanical morality. In the 1930’s and 40’s, the Hays Office placed restrictions on motion pictures, with a strict code of standards. Now, one rule of the Hayes Code stated that if a man and a woman appeared on a bed together, at least one of their four feet must remain on the floor. Tonight, we present the final scene from “The First Mrs. Kimble”, a screwball comedy starring a dashing young Cary Grant, and an irrepressible Katheriner Hepburn. Now, even though the scene techincally stayed within the letter of this “one foot on the floor” rule, it nevertheless violated the rule’s intent, and was never allowed to be seen in America. That is, until tonight.

[ black-and-white scene opens in bedroom ]

Cary Grant: But, Julie, I can’t go in this! I look ridiculous!

Katherine Hepburn: I think you look rather cute.

Cary Grant: Well, go back to the laundry and tell them I need my suit.

Katherine Hepburn: You can’t boss me around, I’m not your wife any more!

Cary Grant: Well, you are until you sign those papers. Now, go get me my suit!

Katherine Hepburn: Ah, ah, ah.

Cary Grant: Alright, I’m putting my foot down now! [ stomps his foot ] Is that alright?

Katherine Hepburn: You’re such a little boy, George Kimble. I love you.

Cary Grant: Yes, I noticed it was getting a little warmer in here. Oh, Julie, Julie.. whose idea was this, anyway, this divorce? It’s such a stupid thing, whose idea was it in the first place?

Katherine Hepburn: I think it was yours, George Kimble.

Cary Grant: [ picks Julie up in his arms ] Well, let’s just pretend I never thought of such a thing.. Mrs. Kimble. [ drops her on top of the bed ]

[ camera pans down to one of Cary Grant’s feet on the floor below the bed ]

Katherine Hepburn: Oh, George..

Cary Grant: Julie..

Katherine Hepburn: Oh, George..

Cary Grant: Julie..

Katherine Hepburn: George!

Cary Grant: Julie!

Katherine Hepburn: George!

Cary Grant: Julie!

Katherine Hepburn: George!

Cary Grant: Julie!

Katherine Hepburn: George..!

Cary Grant: Julie..!

[ Cary’s foot remains on the floor, but jumps sporadically as they go at it on top of the bed, above the camera’s view ]

Hugh Hefner: Well, maybe some things shouldn’t be allowed to be seen. Tune in next week, when the history of “Sex In Cinema” brings you the outtakes from “The Miracle Worker”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Playboy’s Party Jokes

Playboy Bunny…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Playboy Bunny standing in front of a giant copy of Playboy’s Party Jokes and a champagne glass ]

Playboy Bunny: Hi! Um.. our unabashed dictionary defines “beating around the bush” as, like, there’s this circle of percussionists, and, like, they’re sitting around this shrub, like, playing drums. And, um.. it’s really like that, only it’s funnier!

[ thinking ] Oh, I know! “There was an old man named Dave from Nantucket..” No, wait.. oh, yeah, forget it. Okay, okay, okay..

Um.. “A sailor named Rick, grew so fond of flicking his Bic. He said to his date, ‘I could guess at her weight. If your nose was a plum, I would pluck it!” [ giggles ]

Oh! Oh, I just remembered this punchline! Uh.. when they shove me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up!” [ giggles ]

Oh, gosh.. well, that’s all the jokes I remember.. except.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Circular Bed Sex Research

Co-ed…..Jane curtin
…..Hugh Hefner
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior, Hugh Hefner’s bedroom ]

[ Hefner sits on his circular bed lighting his pipe, as ?? steps forward holding a clipboard ]

Co-ed: Gee, Hef — thanks for taking time out from your busy schedule to help me out with my thesis!

[ she joins him on the bed ]

Hugh Hefner: Ah, listen — it’s a PLEASURE! It’s not every day I’m able to persuade the eduation of a comely young co-ed like yourself! Besides, I really appreciate the opportunity to quit working for the night and do the thing I enjoy the most!

[ the Co-ed laughs ]

Hugh Hefner: Uh, did you bring the equipment?

Co-ed: Yes, I have everything we need!

Hugh Hefner: Well, what are we going to do first?

Co-ed: Uh — [ she holds up an object ]

Hugh Hefner: What have you got there?

Co-ed: The protractor!

Hugh Hefner: Now, could you explain your research a little more specifically?

Co-ed: Well, it’s like I said. Tonight, I intend to prove a major hypothesis with my thesis on male performance territory and their geometric variants, using you and your circular bed!

Hugh Hefner: Sounds good. Now, what hypothesis do you hope to prove?

Co-ed: Well, if two bodies intersect at various angles within a circular area and lovemaking is performed for 3.14 minutes in each quadrant, by the time the bodies reach the midpoint, the couple will achieve pi!

Hugh Hefner: [ absorbing this knowledge ] Right! Let’s go to work! Let’s do it for science!

[ beeping ]

Hugh Hefner: Oh, no…

Co-ed: What’s that?

Hugh Hefner: It’s my beeper. It, uh — it beeps every time an important call comes in on my answering service. I have to, uh, call the phone service.

Co-ed: [ excited ] THAT’S what that little black box was! I was afraid to ask — I thought it was a pacemaker! [ she giggles ]

Hugh Hefner: Well — but — excuse me for a minute, because I have to call the phone service. [ he picks up a wall phone ]

Co-ed: I knew this was going to happen!

Hugh Hefner: No, no, no. I give you my word — this is our night. [ into the phone ] Hello? This is Hefner. Who called? Oh, really? Again, huh? What’s he want this time? I see. Well, look — okay. I don’t want to be disturbed tonight — let’s forward all calls, and tell him I’ll call tomorrow. Okay? Okay. [ he hangs up ]

Co-ed: Always in demand! It seems like people are always trying to reach you, Hef!

Hugh Hefner: Yes, but I want to forget all that tonight. Tell me — am I the only subject in your experiment, who, uh, owns an uncommonly-shaped bed?

Co-ed: Oh, no. I experimented with an octagenarian who slept on a hexagon. He didn’t make it through the night.

[ beeping ]

Co-ed: I thought you told them to hold all calls?

Hugh Hefner: Yes, that’s not the beeper. That’s, uh, our Playboy radar scan. [ he opens a panel on the headboard to reveal a radar screen ] It means that… someone’s landing on the helipad up on the roof.

Co-ed: Hef, I’d better go. You’re too busy to be bothered by a co-ed who’s working on her thesis.

Hugh Hefner: No. I told you — this is gonna be our night, no one’s gonna disturb us. Not even if the President of the United States were to call.

[ suddenly, President Jimmy Carter and a pair of Secret Service men enter the room ]

President Jimmy Carter: Excuse me — uh, Hef? Hello, Ma’am. Hef, I tried calling on the phone, but… they put you on hold there, and I just have to talk to you. I need some advice from you on something.

Hugh Hefner: What is it now, Jimmy?

President Jimmy Carter: Can I sit down here on the bed?

Hugh Hefner: Sure.

[ Carter sits on the edge of the bed ]

President Jimmy Carter: Well, as you know, the Geneva Conference is next week. There’s gonna be a lot of countries there, and I want to make a good impression, you know? And I like to get back to my hotel room and think about policy and relax and listen to some music. Well, I like to play my music loud, so I don’t want to disturb anybody in the hotel. I was wondering: What kind of headphones should I buy? Secretary of State Vance and I had a bet — he said you’d say a Klaus 190, and I figured you’d say MasterSound Pro-15.

Hugh Hefner: Well… if you said “MasterSound Pro-15” — collect your money, you won the bet. MasterSound puts out separate tweeter and woofer in each cup.

President Jimmy Carter: Mmm-hmm.

Hugh Hefner: Coupled by a core crossover network. The result is a powerful bass response, richness in tone, and the sound still holds together. Now, uh, could you leave us, Jimmy? I am… busy.

President Jimmy Carter: Okay, thanks, Hef! Thanks a lot! [ he stands ] Oh, there’s one more thing: The Secret Service men and I would like to use the jacuzzi.

Hugh Hefner: Go ahead. Anything.

President Jimmy Carter: Gee, thank you! Bye-bye, Ma’am! Nice meeting you.

[ President Carter and his Srcret Service men exit the room ]

Hugh Hefner: Let’s get back to… Basic Geometry.

Co-ed: Okay!

[ Hefner pulls the Co-ed down onto the bed, as the camera zooms in on the stereo equipment and dissolve into the next sketch ]

SNL Transcripts