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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

The Anyone Can Host” Contest

…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Garrett Morris seated at table covered with postcards ]

Garrett Morris: Last week, Lorne Michaels, “Saturday Night Live”‘s dynamic young producer, sat in this very chair and told you, the American television viewer, that anyone can host “Saturday Night”‘s Christmas show. Well, this week Lorne asked me to do this spot to emphasize that anyone can host. All you gotta do is write a postcard with 25 words or less on “Why I want to host Saturday Night Live”, AND… [ as SUPER appears ] send it to us at:

ANYONE CAN HOST
Box 722
Radio City Station
New York, New York 10019

[ return to Garrett ]

Garrett Morris: Your entry MUST be in by midnight, November 1st, and if we think your postcard is funny or original, you might be one of five finalists flown to and from New York in November to read his or her postcard on the air. Then it’ up to the people at home to decide! The lucky winner will be flown to New York, put up at the swank Essex House Hotel, and paid $3,000 to host “Saturday Night”‘s Christmas show on December 17th! Remember: anyone can host! [ his eyes dart back and forth ] Uh, well — not really anyone. For example, I can’t host.

Don Pardo V/O: That’s right, Garrett! Because NBC employees AND relatives are not eligible! I’D like to host the show, too — but I can’t! Once again, send those postcards — no letters — to:

[ SUPER: ]

ANYONE CAN HOST
Box 722
Radio City Station
New York, New York 10019

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Angora Bouquet

Wife…..Jane Curtin
Husband…..Bill Murray

[ open on married couple raking leaves in their backyard ]

Wife: Hi. I’m beautiful, but stupid. And I’ve found the soap that helps me stay that way. My husband says I look natural and unspoiled, and he loves the way I never bother him with my opinions. Let’s face it — good looks and complex human emotions just don’t mix. I guess that’s why I use Angora Bouquet with pH Formula 23.

[ dissolve to footage of Wife washing her face, as the image makes waves ]

Wife V/O: Angora Bouquet’s thousands of tiny tranquilizers penetrate your skin to wash reality away, and make your mind and skin as clear as a baby’s. You see, Angora Bouquet actually contains methaqualone, the same tranquilzing agent that is found in those large white pills I often come across in Bill, Jr.’s jeans pockets when I do the laundry.

[ dissolve back to Wife in the yard, raking leaves with the rake held upside-down ]

[ her husband turns her rake over to the correct position ]

Husband: Honey, why don’t you try the other side of the rake? You can get a little more leaves that way.

Wife: I guess that’s why my soap is Angora Bouquet with pH Formula 23.

[ she accidentally steps on the rake, sending it slamming into her husband’s face ]

Announcer: Angora Bouquet. Washes your brain, as well as your face.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3


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Saturday Night Live:
The Complete Third
Season on DVD

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 15th, 1977

Hugh Hefner

Libby Titus

Andy Kaufman

None

Tom Davis

Mitchell Laurance

Tom Schiller

Anne Beatts

Andy Murphy

Neil Levy

Rosie Shuster

Paul Shaffer
Playboy’s Party JokesSummary: A Playboy bunny (Laraine Newman) reads the jokes from an oversized page of Playboy magazine.

Transcript

Montage

Hugh Hefner’s MonologueSummary: Hugh Hefner sings “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”, as a scroll reveals the true intent of his performance.

Transcript

Angora BouquetSummary: The soap so pure that it can wash a housewife’s (Jane Curtin) mind.

Transcript

Planet Of The Men Vs. Planet Of The WomenSummary: In outer space, Captain Macho (Hugh Hefner) leads his crew in an attack on Captain Estrogena (Jane Curtin) and her crew.

Transcript

Libby Titus performs “Fool That I Am”

The Anyone Can Host” ContestSummary: Garrett Morris updates viewers on the contest’s progress thus far.

Transcript

The X-PoliceSummary: “Magnum Force”-style X-Police officers (Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray) break into the home of a pair of pot-smokers (John Belushi, Jane Curtin) and kill them for violating the law.

Recurring Characters: X-Police.

Transcript

Circular Bed Sex ResearchSummary: A co-ed’s (Jane Curtin) circular bed research with Hugh Hefner is interrupted by a query from President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Listening To Great MusicSummary: John Belushi goes berserk while listening to “Ride Of The Valkyries”.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroydummary: An NBC tour group is led through the “Weekend Update” set. Nadia Comaneci (Gilda Radner) insists that spectators come watch her perform gymnastics while she’s still young and cute. NBC’s Dancing “N” dances delivers a news bulletin.

Recurring Characters: Nadia Comaneci.

Transcript

Sex In CinemaRecurring Characters: Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn.

Transcript

3 R’sRecurring Characters: Colleen Fernman.

The Story Of H

The Playboy PhilosophySummary: In ancient Greek, Hugh Hefner outlines his philosophy to Socrates (John Belushi) and Plato (Garrett Morris).

Transcript

Magical EulogyTranscript

Andy Kaufman

The Farbers at the Playboy ClubRecurring Characters: Larry Farber, Bobbi Farber.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

The Trial of Lee Harry Oswald

Reporter…..Dan Aykroyd
Lee Harry Oswald…..Bill Murray
Pie Thrower…..John Belushi
Guard…..Mitchell Laurance
Deputy…..Andy Murphy
Other Reporters…..Al Franken, Jim Downey, Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel

[ open on announcer slide: ]

Announcer: Due to the mature subject matter of the following broadcast, parental guidance is suggested.

[ slide two: ]

Announcer: The following ABC mini-series is based upon historical fact.

[ slide three: ]

Announcer: However some of the names and events have been changed to make the program more entertaining.

[ cut to black-and-white corridor scene filled with reporters ]

[ slide three temporarily superimposes upon the screen once more, as Reporter addresses the camera ]

Reporter: In a moment —

[ slide four appears: “THE TRIAL OF LEE HARRY OSWALD” ]

[ Dan Aykroyd is momentarily flummoxed by the technical glitch ]

[ Caption: “Houston, November 1964” ]

Reporter: In a moment, Lee Harry Oswald, the man police say shot President John F. Curry, will be brought down this corridor toward a waiting car and then transported to Houston County Jail, where he will probably remain until his trial.

[ from the far end of the corridor, Oswald is led toward the reporters by a guard and a deputy ]

Reporter: Uh — there seems to be some, uh, activity now — yes! There’s Oswald now. Now, police claim that they have an airtight case against him. Oswald’s motive appears to have been jealousy — evidently, the handsome young president had been having an affair with Oswald’s wife, the beautiful Boshai ballerina, Marina Harry Oswald. Of course, uh — police have the gun — Oswald denies ANY knowledge of this. And, uh — he will be under, uh — heavy and federal state guard —

[ a man jumps from the crowd ]

Reporter: Wait! A man just jumped out the crowd — an overweight man has —

[ the man shoves a cream pie into Oswald’s face, then grins proudly at the camera as the reporters clamor ]

Lee Harry Oswald: “LIVE! FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Swill

Salesman…..Bill Murray

Salesman: [ seated at lunch counter ] As a salesman, I do a lot of traveling. And when it comes to lunch, I grab what I can, usually on the run. And when I want mineral water, I keep it simple, and I keep it domestic. [ places bottle on counter ] I drink Swill. The water that’s dredged from Lake Erie.

[ voice over video of Swill being dredged from Lake Erie ]

Nothing’s added to Swill. It comes straight from the Lake to you. Maybe you thought only European countries had mineral water, but let me tell you: we bottle some pretty special water right here in America.

[ cut back to Salesman at lunch counter ]

Yeah. America. Water with a character all its own. Swill’s refreshing; it’s low in calories; and Swill helps wash down a hearty meal like this that tends to just lay in your stomach. [ pours runny ketchup on his hamburger ]

[ Music Over: “Anticipation” by Carly Simon ]

[ Plays as Swill slowly pours into Salesman’s glass, complete with sludge, dirt and a flip-top from a soda can ]

Salesman: I like mine with a twist. [ squeezes a lime wedge into his glass of Swill ]

Announcer: Swill. Everything you’ve always wanted in a mineral water. And more.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Pocket Pal

Businessman…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on businessman seated in an airplane ]

Businessman: When you fly, are you concerned by the volume of air traffic, possible oversights by air traffic controllers, the number of human errors committed by pilots, and the occasional likelihood of mid-air collisions? Well, you DON’T HAVE TO BE caught off-guard by mid-air collisions! Thanks to… Pocket Pal! [ he holds up product ] Rovco’s amazing new airborne early warning system, which ACTUALLY predicts mid-air collisions as much as TEN SECONDS before impact!

[ display circuitry ]

Inside the Pocket Pal, there are THOUSANDS of micro-processors, which electronically duplicate the sensing mechanisms of the silver-haired bat, a creature NEVER caught unaware by mid-air collision!

[ return to Businessman holding product ]

Businessman: So the next time you fly, take a Pocket Pal with you. You might not need it, but IF you do, you’ll be the FIRST to know!

[ he puts the product down, whereupon it begins to beep and whir ]

Pocket Pal: 747!

Businessman: [ panicking ] We’re gonna collide with a 747!!

[ the other passengers promptly go in a panic ]

Businessman: [ seriously, to the camera ] You may as well be the FIRST to know!

[ Businessman then joins in the panic and screams ]

[ cut to product as the screams increase ]

Announcer: The Pocket Pal. The last word in personal electronic systems.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Pink Box

Vickie…..Laraine Newman
Sally…..Gilda Radner

[ open on women’s locker room ]

Vickie: Best I’ve ever seen you play, Sally! You seem so poised and self-assured today.

Sally: [ upbeat ] Thanks, Vickie! I am! I never even knew it was POSSIBLE to be this sure of myself as a woman! [ she takes an object from her locker ]

Vickie: What’s that?

Sally: Oh, it’s this WONDERFUL new woman’s product! I don’t know — I’ve just been so confident and secure ever ince I’ve had it!

Vickie: Well, what’s it for?

Sally: [ she chuckles ] Confidence!

Vickie: Well, do you put it on you, or in you?

Sally: [ ambivalent ] I guess so!

Vickie: Is it welcomed protection against odor all year round?

Sally: Possibly!

Vickie: Does it come in flavors?

Sally: Maybe!

Vickie: What’s two and two?

Sally: FOUR!

Vickie: Just checking. [ she grabs the object and looks around it ] Well, does it have a name?

Sally: Uh — I don’t know!

Vickie: [ frustrated ] Well, how do you open it?

Sally: I don’t know! I honestly don’t know. I just know I’ve never felt so feminine or so protected in my whole life! [ she turns to the camera and smiles ] So — if you want to feel fresh and confident all year round, look for the Pink Box — wherever it might be sold!

[ dissolve to product slide ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] A woman’s product so personal that even we don’t what it is.

[ cut back to Sally ]

Sally: Having it solves the problem of… being without it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Madeline Kahn’s Monologue

…..Madeline Kahn

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Madeline Kahn!

Madeline Kahn: Thank you, calm down. Okay. As you know, the show’s started a little late tonight because it has been pouring in Philadelphia, and the poor fellas had to play ball in the rain. But they did it anyway! And I just want you to know that it is raining in New York right now — in fact, it is raining right here in the studio. But we are going to do this show ANYWAY! Okay! [ the audience applauds ] You cannot see the rain — I heard you cannot see the rain, it’s just a slight drizzle. But it is here.

Okay. Why do we like this show? The atmosphere is CHARGED with excitement — why do we like that? Because we are dealing with the unknown. I can tell you that for a fact. I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight. I certainly cannot promise you quality of any kind. But we are dealing with the unknown. You can sort of just sit back and revel in the unknown, because it is something that we don’t like to do in life. Although, in life, every moment is, in fact, unknown. There is nothing that we know. We like to think that we know, we like to think that we have plans… get out our little date books, and we have appointments, and we have our goals! We have our goals in life, our ages, and so on. We don’t know any of it. I hate to tell you this — I know you don’t want to hear it. In fact, there is only one thing that we can know for sure, and… that is that we are ALL going to die. [ suddenly upbeat ] Uh — but we’re not gonna dwell on THAT! We’re not gonna dwell on that, ’cause there’s no POINT in it! No point at all.

So, join me, won’t you? And let’s all have a rip-snorting good time — [ she laughs ] on “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you very much, and we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Anyone Can Host Contest

…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on Lorne Michaels, Producer, seated at a desk surrounded by plants and wall photos ]

Lorne Michaels: How many of you out there watching this show right now are saying to yourselves, “You know, Madeline Kahn is pretty good, but… I think I could do a better job than that.” Well… here’s your chance. Because, now, Anyone Can Host Saturday Night Live. All you have to do is write a postcard and state, in 25 words or less, why you want to host “Saturday Night Live”. And mail your postcard to:

[ address card fades onto screen ]

ANYONE CAN HOSTBox 722Radio City StationNew York, New York 10019

Lorne Michaels V/O: Your entry MUST be in by Midnight, November the 1st.

[ cut back to Lorne ]

Lorne Michaels: You need no theatrical experience — just talent and a strong belief in yourself. If your postcard is funny — in the opinion of our staff — you might be one of the FIVE finalists who will be fown to New York in November to read your postcard, LIVE, on the show. [ he stifles a laugh ] Then it’s up to you, the people at home, to decide. The lucky winner will be flown to New York, put up in the swank Eck — [ he laughs ] Eck — Essex House Hotel! And, uh, get to meet and work with the Not Ready For Prime Time Players. And you’ll be paid the same $3,000 we pay any other host, or even The Beatles, uh, if they’d only show up. Best of all, you’ll host “Saturday Night”‘s Christmas show on December 17th.

So, just drop us a post card… However — if you should see ANY of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, or anyone from “Saturday Night”, including myself, let’s say, at a fancy restaurant, and you say to yourself, “Hey! Why mail a postcard? I’ll just drop it off now at their table!” You’ll be immediately disqualified. Otherwise, we don’t care who or what you are. If you can lick a stamp, you’re on your way to stardom.

So, there it is. Anyone Can Host, and we give you that chance because… that’s just the kind of people we are.

[ address card fades onto screen ]

ANYONE CAN HOSTBox 722Radio City StationNew York, New York 10019

Don Pardo V/O: Send your post cards to: ANYONE CAN HOST / Box 722 / Radio City Station / New York, New York 10019.

Employees and the families of employees of RCA, NBC, or any of their related companies, are not eligible. This contest is void where prohibited by law.

[ cut back to Lorne ]

Lorne Michaels: Maybe I’ll see you… in December.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Reverse Discrimination

Frank…..Bill Murray
Emmett…..Jane Curtin
Dean Archer…..Dan Aykroyd
Craig Baker…..John Belushi
Ross Jamal…..Garrett MorrisMalcolm…..Bert Jones
…..Ahmed

[ open on review panel at Santa Barbara School of Law ]

Frank: Now, uh, we want you both to understand that this is a very unusual thing, but we’ve decided to hear you both and decide which of you will get the last remaining place in the Class of ’81.

[ reveal the two candidates: Craig Baker and blind man Ross Jamal ]

Emmet: Mr. Jamal, I think I should already tell you that we had already accepted you under our Special Admissions program, but Mr. Craig Baker, who was not accepted, is threatening to sue the university on grounds of reverse discrimination.

Dean Archer: Mr. Baker, would you like to explain your position to the committee?

Craig Baker: With PLEASURE, Dean Archer! [ he grabs his briefcase ] As you know, law school admissions are based on the, uh, grade point averages and the LSAT — the Law Scholastic Aptitude Test. Now… [ he removes his records ] I maintained a 3.18 GPA in college, while Mr. Jamal here had a 2.95. I scored a 153 on the LSATs, and Mr. Jamal had an inferior 492, despite the advantage of having the test read to him. So if you accept Mr. Jamal, it will simply be a case of reverse discrimination and I will SUE!

Emmet: Mr. Baker, Mr. Jamal qualified for the admission program to the disadvantaged because he is both a poor minority and handicapped.

Craig Baker: Yeah. Right. But — I majored in Pre-Law, and my Senior paper was on, uh, Reverse Discrimination. I KNOW my subject. I’m a debater. Look at this box.

Dean Archer: Mr. Jamal?

Ross Jamal: Uh-huh?

Dean Archer: What do you think?

Ross Jamal: Well, I agree with Mr. Baker. I understand what he means. But I don’t think that grades should be the only criteria. You know, my grades were brought down by the “D” I made in Art Appreciation. I can tell the difference in the brushstrokes between the Flemish and the Impressionists, but they used slides in the tests, you know? And, uhhhh… I-I-I did pretty good on sculptures, though. I did.

Emmet: Mr. Jamal, it says here that you are an orphan and supported fourteen younger brothers and sisters while working your way through college. Now, what type of a job did you have?

Ross Jamal: Oh, I was a proofreader for a Braille book publisher.

Craig Baker: Well, if you’ve spent so much time reading, you would think you would have done better on the LSATs!

Frank: Well, this is really a tough decision. Could you excuse us for a minute, gentlemen?

[ the three of them lean in and whisper to one another ]

Dean Archer: I don’t know, Frank, uh… I certainly don’t want to see the law school go to court. If this boy wants to sue, it could cost a lot of money and time, and I don’t think the institution should be put through it.

Emmet: You’re right, we really have no choice here.

[ they nod in agreement ]

Frank: Okay, Mr. Baker, Mr. Jamal… This is very difficult. We have to choose between two students: One has better grades, the other has overcome severe disadvantages. And, of course, both… are black.

Ross Jamal: Huh? Both Black?

[ Craig Baker breathes a huge sigh of relief ]

Frank: Yes. It’s a very tough choice, indeed…

Ross Jamal: [ excited ] Are you a brother?

Craig Baker: Uhhh… yeah… uh, yeah, bro!

Ross Jamal: [ taking his hand ] Oh, I didn’t know that!

Craig Baker: Yeah!

Ross Jamal: I didn’t know that!

Frank: Well… we might as well just leave it to chance, I think. [ he steps closer to the students, coolly shaking hands with Craig Baker in front of Mr. Jamal’s blind eyes ] Mr. Jamal, I’m holding up 1 or 2 fingers — Which is it, odd or even?

Ross Jamal: Uhhhh… even.

[ everyone stifles their laughter ]

Frank: Sorry, it’s odd. Congratulations, Mr. Baker.

Craig Baker: Uh, thanks! Thanks!

Ross Jamal: I was gonna say “Odd”!

Frank: You probably should have. Thank you very much, gentlemen, for your time. We appreciate it. Good luck to you BOTH, no matter what you do. We’ve got another meeting.

[ the panel exits ]

Craig Baker: Sorry we both couldn’t get in, but that’s the breaks.

Ross Jamal: Oh, that’s alright, since you a brother.

Craig Baker: Yeah, right on! Well, uh — can I take you for a ride to the bus stop, or something…?

Ross Jamal: Oh, no, that’s alright. My brothers brought me in from Oakland. They’re waiting outside in the car. [ calling out ] Ahmed! Malcolm!

[ two big burly black dudes saunter in ]

Malcolm: Yeah, what’s up? How’d it go, man?

Ross Jamal: Oh, not too good man. [ points to Craig ] But meet the brother who made it into law school.

Malcolm: [ looking around ] Brother? Him?

Craig Baker: [ jumps up nervously ] Well, hey! Yeah, I’m a brother! Yeah! Right on, Temptations! You know? [ he does a fast tap-dance ] I’m an octaroon! That’s it, I’m an octaroon! Really! I stay out of the sun, you know what I mean? No, really… I study all the time… It looks like you just ripped off by Whitey again!

[ Craig rushes out of the room ]

[ pull back on set, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Are We Losing The Battle Against Selsius?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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