Charles Grodin: Thank you. Thank you, everybody, uh, you’ve been a wonderful audience. As you see, this is just kidding. Right, John?
John Belushi: Yeah, I was spacing out, man…
Charles Grodin: Sure! Yeah, right — just a joke! Thank you to Paul, and to Art, and to… and to, uh… [ looks behind him to see whose hands are wrapped around his waist, as Laraine Newman pops her head out from behind his back ] And to Laraine, and, uh, everybody, and the Persuasions. And you’ve been a wonderful audience, it’s been a terrific night for us!
Announcer: Next Saturday night, watch NBC’s “Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. We’ll be back two weeks from tonight, November 12th, when our host will be Ray Charles with guest Franklin Ajaye. Don’t forget to set your clocks back. This is Don “Trick or Treat” Pardo with my annual Halloween message to America: “BOO!!” Good night.
[ open on Paul Simon strumming his guitar onstage next to Charles Grodin, who’s wearing an obvious Art Garfunkel wig ]
[ Simon begins to sing “The Sound of Silence”, as Grodin clumsily tries to keep up ]
Paul Simon & Charles Grodin: [ singing ] “Hello darkness, my old friend I’ve come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain…”
[ Simon stops playing and turns to Grodin ]
Paul Simon: Can I ask you a question?
Charles Grodin: Sure.
Paul Simon: Why are we doing this?
Charles Grodin: Well… you know, they cut my film clip way down. And I really don’t feel I have all that much to do on the show, so I-I-I-I’d really apprecia– Could we just… a little…?
[ Simon reluctantly strums his guitar and continues to sing, with Grodin struggling to keep up and get most of the words right ]
Paul Simon & Charles Grodin: [ singing ] “In restless dreams I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone ‘Neath the halo of a street lamp I turn my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash…”
[ Simon stops once again ]
Paul Simon: Chuck, you don’t even know the lyrics!
Charles Grodin: Well… I really — I’m learning them as we’re going.
Paul Simon: Chuck, this is live television. This is not the time to be learning.
Charles Grodin: I — I’m much more familiar with what’s coming up. Could we just, a little… a little more?
[ Simon begins to strum his guitar, but then quickly stops ]
Paul Simon: You know… and another thing — the wig! Why are you wearing this wig? It looks like an Art Garfunkel wig.
Charles Grodin: Oh, it is an Art Garfunkel wig.
Paul Simon: But why?
Charles Grodin: Well… I-I-I just thought it would help me get into it a little better.
Paul Simon: It’s very disquieting, to me, to see out of the corner of my eye, these blond, curly hairs singing this song.
Charles Grodin: Oh. [ he hangs his head in shame ]
Paul Simon: You know, Chuck, I must say this — you are a very well-known actor… you’re a director…
Charles Grodin: And writer.
Paul Simon: — You’re a writer… as well… and I don’t see why you feel that you must sing.
Charles Grodin: Well… clearly, clearly, I’ve made you uncomfortable, and I —
Paul Simon: Well, no, no…
Charles Grodin: No, and this is obviously an idea whose…
Paul Simon: Time has not come?
Charles Grodin: Has not come.
Paul Simon: Not come. No.
Charles Grodin: Well — listen, I’m sorry. You know? As the host, I should be trying to make you comfortable, and I’ve made you uncomfortable.
Paul Simon: No, that’s alright… don’t mention it. [ he unplugs his guitar ] And I think that the time you save now, could be put to much better use later on in the show.
Charles Grodin: Well…
Paul Simon: [ he stands ] So…
Charles Grodin: Thank you for putting up with me as long as you did.
Paul Simon: Oh… [ he pats Grodin on the shoulder ]
Charles Grodin: Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Paul Simon!
[ the audience applauds wildly as Simon walks away ]
Charles Grodin: [ to the house band ] Uh… would you hit the intro that, uh…?
[ the band strikes up “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, which Grodin sings badly off-key ]
Charles Grodin: [ singing ] “When you’re weary… feeling smallWhen tears are in… your eyes I will dry them allWhoooooooooooo!”
Charles Grodin: Um… I’ll tell you — is that the right key? I guess it is the right key, too. Uh… could I hear that back… uh, Lorne? Could I just hear that back? I’m…
[ the vocals are played back, as Grodin listens to them carefully ]
Charles Grodin V/O: [ singing ] “When you’re weary… feeling small When tears are in… your eyes I will dry them all Whoooooooooooo!”
Charles Grodin: [ glancing down the stage, surprised ] Oh… Art!
[ Art Garfunkel steps up, to thunderous applause ]
Charles Grodin: It’s great, it’s great to see you! Uh, listen, Art, I didn’t know you were here! I would never…
Art Garfunkel: What are you doing?
Charles Grodin: I… Well, see — I had a film clip in the show, and it was cut way down. I never would have done this if you…
Art Garfunkel: Chuck, hand it over!
[ Grodin sheepishly pulls off his Garfunkel wig and hands it over ]
Charles Grodin: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. i’m really sorry.
Art Garfunkel: Thanks, Chuck.
[ Garfunkel walks off the stage, as Grodin sheepishly follws him ]
[ open on green-screen graphic people standing around the city ]
[ Spokesman dissolves over the scene ]
Spokesman: Are you stuck in a go-nowhere, do-nothing job? Well, if so — this is YOUR opportunity… to start an exciting new career in the world of professional football, by enrolling NOW in the Professional School of Football.
[ Professional School of Football slide appears on green-screen ]
Professional football players make BIG money! They sign lucrative contracts for endorsing products on television, they are famous, and they get to go out with BEAUTIFUL movie stars and stewardesses! Mmm-hmm. Oh! And they eat BIG steaks, man! Now, we’re not saying that anyone can be a pro ball player. You’ve GOT to have the natural talent… [ he holds up test booklet ] AND you can take this easy test to see if you have an exciting career waiting YOU… in professional football. Now, here’s two sample questions here:
[ over green screen ] Now — complete this sentence:
“When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get…
A) Going B) Cranky C) Groin Injuries
You’ll be surprised how many people say C. BUT — if you said A) “The Tough Get Going”, then you have the mentality it takes to be a pro football player!
Now, try this question:
You are the quarterback, it is Third Down and Fifteen. Do You:
A) Pass B) Complain Or C) Sustain a Groin Injury?
You’ll be surprised how many people say C). But, if you said A) “Pass”, then you have what we call “Football Savvy.”
[ return to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: When you enroll at the Professional School of Football, you’ll learn EVERY aspect of the game. Such as OFFENSE… and DEFENSE… and how to keep score! And all by MAIL! You’ll learn words like: “RED DOG”… “BLITZ”… and “GROIN INJURY”.
Send for your FREE test booklet to:
[ dissolve to SUPER card ]
Professional School of FootballBox 32Knee Brace, Wyoming 14004
[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: See you at Baxter Street!
[ dissolve to audience balcony shot, zoom in on Charles Grodin staring confusedly into the camera as he applauds, with SUPER: “This Week’s Host!” ]
[ open on Bill Murray and Michael O’Donoghue reading through the “Anyone Can Host” postcard submissions ]
Bill Murray: Hi, gang! Bill Murray here. Mr. Mike and I are hard at work.
Michael O’Donoghue: Poor penmanship… [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: Uh — we’re checking the entries for our “Anyone Can Host” contest. Now, many people don’t believe there’s a contest — but there IS! There really is! Really!
Michael O’Donoghue: It has smudge on the corner… [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] And the contest deadline is November 1st. That’s Monday night at midnight, so you’ve GOTTA send these cards in! Really! [ he pounds the desk ] Now, here’s the rules: Tell us on a postcard — NOT A LETTER!! — a POSTCARD!!
Michael O’Donoghue: Uneven margins… [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] In 25 words or less, why YOU’D like to host “Saturday Night”.
Michael O’Donoghue: Typing error. [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: FIVE finalists — FIVE!! — will be chosen to read their postcards on the air, November 19th. And the winner will host our Christmas show, December 17th.
Michael O’Donoghue: Oh, this is funny, Bill — let’s keep this one. [ he puts the postcard aside ]
Bill Murray: You’ll be flown out, put up a week at the Essex House, meet and party with the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, AND get paid $3,000 for it! Mike, how you coming with those postcards?
Michael O’Donoghue: [ counting ] …24, 25, 26. Whoops! This one’s one word over. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to qualify this one, Bill. [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: Oh, gee! Look — Lorne Michaels is willing to take a chance on an unknown, just like he did with me! Heck! This time, next year, you could have my job!
[ Mr. Mike tears another postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: All you have to do is send your postcard to this address:
[ dissolve to slide ]
Announcer: “Anyone Can Host Box 722 Radio City Station New York, New York 10019″
Remember: Relatives or persons employed by NBC, RCA, or any of their companies are not eligible. This contest is void where prohibited by law.
[ cut back to Bill and Mr. Mike ]
Michael O’Donoghue: Unattractive stamp. [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] Well, good luck, and I mean it! Now, get out of here! Go mail those postcards, you knucklehead! I mean it, get OUT of here! [ he tosses postcards at the camera ]
Joan Face…..Jane Curtin Irwin Mainway…..Dan Aykroyd
Joan Face: Good evening. I’m Joan Face, welcome to “Consumer Probe”.Well, Monday night on All Hallow’s Eve, there’ll be a lot of witches, ghostsand goblins roaming the streets trying to give us all a traditional Halloweenfright. But what really frightens us here at “Consumer Probe” is theincreasing number of injuries, and even fatalities, caused each year byunsafe Halloween costumes for children. For instance.. [ holds up plasticskeleton costume ] ..this little skeleton costume looks cute and harmless,but in fact it’s coated by a highly flammable paint.
[ cut to full shot, showing Irwin Mainway seated to Joan’s right ]
My guest tonight is Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Novelties, andChairman of the Board of Mainway Latex Corporation. Mr. Mainway, you areclearly the main flagrant offender in this area. For instance, your companymanufactures and distributes this Halloween costume.. [ picks it upand holds it ] ..Johnny Space Commander mask, which retails for $6.95. It’snothing more than a plastic bag and a rubber band. This is verydangerous for young children!
Irwin Mainway: [ grabs the costume ] Okay, I’m gonna say somethingabout my product right here, Johnny Space Commander mask. I want to say,first of all, it’s a very fluid item, in terms of sales. I don’t know,Miss Face, if you’re familiar with the movie “Star Wars”? Well, this moviehas generated a tremendous amount of popularity and enthusiasm about spaceand science fiction. [ rips open the costume packaging ] This Johnny SpaceCommander mask here is a pure fantasy toy. I mean, you know, kids can havea lot of fun with a toy like this, you know? Let me show you.. [ puts theplastic bag over his head, then wraps the rubber band around it ] “Hello,hello, this is Johnny Space Commander. I’m in deep space, I’m gonna landthe rocket now!” You see what I mean? [ takes off the plastic bag ] Yousee what I mean? It’s a pure fantasy toy!
Joan Face: Alright, Mr. Mainway, if you don’t think that was unsafe,how about this Halloween costume, which you market under the label”Invisible Pedestrian”? [ holds up the costume ] It’s an all blacksuit, gloves and mask. Now, it seems to me, Mr. Mainway, a childwearing this costume at night to go trick-or-treating is in grave dangerof being hit by a car!
Irwin Mainway: Car? What do you mean “car”, Miss Face? I mean, acar is a pretty big object, right? I mean, kids are smart today, you know?They know when a car is coming at ’em to jump out of the way. I mean, mostof the kids I know go trick-or-treating at houses, right? You don’tsee too many kids walking along the expressway knocking on windshieldslooking for treats. This is a “sidewalk” costume!
Joan Face: A “sidewalk” costume?
Irwin Mainway: Yeah! I mean, you know, we don’t recommend this forblind kids. See, there’s a warning right on the label – “InvisiblePedestrian, Not For Blind Kids.” [ turns packaging around to show thiswarning in big bold letters ] Huh?
Joan Face: Alright, Mr. Mainway. But surely even you cansee the danger in this next costume, which you call Johnny Combat ActionCostume. This is an actual working rifle!
Irwin Mainway: An M-1, yeah.
Joan Face: I mean, this is a deadly weapon, and you’reselling it to children!
Irwin Mainway: The ammo’s not included. I mean, this is a verypopular item, you know? Give the kid a little something extra! Fieldglasses, a little helmet there, the gun, you know, it makes ’em feel likea real general! I mean, this product is very popular in Texas and Detroit!
Joan Face: What about this? [ holds up new costume ] JohnnyHuman Torch? It’s a bag of oily rags and a lighter!
Irwin Mainway: This happens to be a favorite of mine, because it’s alow-price Halloween costume. [ tears it open ] It’s really one of the moreexciting ones. You take the rags, you just pin ’em on there like a hobo,you know? And then flame on, lights up the night! It’s a beautifulcostume, I think.
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, I am shocked at your irresponsibleattitude! I think we can all see that your Halloween costumes are unsafeand should rightfully be banned from the market!
Irwin Mainway: Now, wait a second, hold it! You’re picking on thesebecause you’re saying these costumes are unsafe! Well, I’m gonna tell yousomething – any item of clothing can be proven unsafe! Anything!What you’re wearing, what I’m wearing! I’ve got this tie on -nice tie, nice thin tie.. alright, I’m driving along in my convertible, anice gust of wind comes up.. [ he lifts his tie, shoves it into his face andfeigns choking ] I could choke to death, you know? I mean, really! Icould put it in my mouth – I could swallow my whole shirt!
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway? You are a very sleazy man. [ turns to thecamera ] I’m afraid that’s all the time we have..
Irwin Mainway: Hold on, hold on! You see this jacket here?[ removes his jacket ] This is a rayon-polyester jacket..
Joan Face: ..tune in next week. Have a happy and safe Halloween.
Irwin Mainway: ..I’ll show you something, this could go up in flamesjust like that! [ lights his jacket on fire, as the flames rise ]Look at that! Look at that!
[ show fades black, as Mainway jumps in front of the camera ]
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd Carl van Arsdale…..Bill Murray Sharlene van Arsdale…..Gilda Radner
[ open on interior, Conehead living room ]
[ Connie Conehead, wearing tall, pointy witch hat and carrying jack-o-lantern,enters and sits on the couch. She removes the witch hat to reveal her cone. ]
[ SUPER: “Return of the Coneheads” ]
[ doorbell rings – Prymaat enters from kitchen, picks up six-pack of beer andfried eggs from an end table ]
Prymaat Conehead: Aagghhh! The little humans, when will they cease?[ answers doors ]
Kids: Trick or treat?
Prymaat Conehead: [ sarcastic ] Oh, my. Your costumes are sofrightening. Here. Accept these treats. [ thrusts the beer and fried eggsinto their bags, then slams the door shut ]
Connie Conehead: Mommy, I must split to join my human friends andtheir Halloween activities.
Prymaat Conehead: Activities?
Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing.
Prymaat Conehead: Apple bobbing?
Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing! An ancient human ritual. Theemersion of the cone into a fluid bath, while attempting to grasp bouyantfruit with a major orifice.
Prymaat Conehead: Unacceptable! Unacceptable!
Connie Conehead: But, Mom..
Prymaat Conehead: [ standing ] Beldar!
Beldar Conehead: [ marches into the living room, gruff ] Prymaat.Why have you summoned me from the sleep chamber? It is onlythe 55th hour of my Megmazome Storage Stage.
Prymaat Conehead: Our young cone wishes to perform apple bobbing.
Beldar Conehead: Apple bobbing?
Prymaat Conehead: Apple bobbing.
Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing! A Halloween ritual!
Beldar Conehead: Oh, Connie, I want no knowledge of this humanactivity. Halloween, a miserable Earth festival. It is regrettable thatthe High Master demanded that we return to this planet. On our home planet, Remulak, at this moment, all cones are celebrating the Harvest Under theMoons of Mipzor. Now, that’s a party! All the gellato spirots will beharvested and smoked.
Connie Conehead: So what? Big deal!
Prymaat Conehead: The Harvest of Mipzor, long ago, was when I firstsaw Beldar’s cone. How young and strong he looked as he pursued andcaptured the greased garfok, which was roasted for all to consume.
Beldar Conehead: This miserable Earth festival is nothing but aritual costume fantasy for the young ones, who move through the nightdemanding small consumables.
[ the doorbell rings again, as they all scream ]
Prymaat Conehead: The little humans. Beldar, go brief them anddispense the consumables.
Beldar Conehead: [ opens door to two adults ] Greetings. Enter.Accept these treats – beer and fried eggs.
Prymaat Conehead: Aren’t you humans a little old for this sort of thing?
Carl van Arsdale: Well, we’re not trick-or-treating. I’m Carl vanArsdale, and this is my wife Sharlene. We’re Block Parents, here at ParkwoodHeights.
Sharlene van Arsdale: Yes. I know your family’s just moved into the neighborhood, and I’m sorry we had to meet under thse circumstances.. Idon’t know where you people are from, but we at Parkwood Heights do notgive licquor to minors!
Carl van Arsdale: Yes, we were extremely upset to find six-packs ofbrewski in the children’s trick-or-treat bags. Now, we are seriouslyconsidering reporting this to the police, Mr…?
Beldar Conehead: Conehead! I am Beldar. This is Prymaat, and ouryoung one, Connie.
Prymaat Conehead: We’re from France!
Carl van Arsdale: Oh. You’re from France? Well, that couldexplain part of it. I know that in France, children start drinking at anearlier age..
Connie Conehead: Correct! Correct! We apologize for causing youthis anxiety. My parental units were merely attempting to.. conformto the Halloween rites.
Prymaat Conehead: We will cease dispensing the canned consumables.It is permissable to dispense fried chicken embryos?
Sharlene van Arsdale: Chicken embryos?
Carl van Arsdale: Fried eggs, honey.
Sharlene van Arsdale: Fried eggs as treats? Well.. I guessit’s alright..
Beldar Conehead: We invite you to stay with us. We will honor yourHalloween ritual by paying homage to the symbolic vegetable orb.
[ the Coneheads surround the jack-o-lantern on the coffee table ]
Carl van Arsdale: Hey, uh.. no thanks. We already had a few piecesof vegetable orb pie!
Sharlene van Arsdale: Yes. Bye bye! Happy Halloween! We loveyour costumes.
Carl van Arsdale: Yeah.
[ the van Arsdales exit ]
Connie Conehead: Humans. They’re not essentially party organisms.
Beldar Conehead: Correct. Shall we begin?
[ the three of them bite into the jack-o-lantern, enjoying their Halloween feast ]
[ open on suburban living room, Husband reading a magazine as his wife enters ]
Wife: I’m getting awfully worried, honey — it’s after ten o’clock, and Stephanie isn’t home yet! I don’t think we should have let her go trick-or-treating by herself.
Husband: Oh, don’t worry. She’ll be home any minute.
Wife: I hope so… [ the doorbell rings ] Oh!
Husband: That’s probably her, right there.
Wife: Alright, you get it.
[ Husband answers the door to an oversized group of trick-or-treaters ]
Killer Bee #2: Treek-or-treat, Senor!
[ the group of disguised Bees enter ]
Killer Bee Leader: We are, uh… we are some little children in your neighborhood, uh — coming to play tricks on you, uh — for your candy!
Wife: Oh, look what CUTE costumes!
Husband: [ handing out candy ] Here’s some candy, and, uh… who has the UNICEF box?
Killer Bee Leader: We don’t have no steenkin’ UNICEF! [ he throws the candy down ] We are… THE KILLER BEES!!
[ music sting, as title card appears and the Bees remove their costumes and pull out their guns ]
Charles Grodin: [ breaking character, confused ] Wait… wait a second, John, uh… what is this?
Killer Bee #2: Gringo! We want your pollen!
Wife: Oh, no, honey! Do what they say! They look dangerous!
Charles Grodin: W-well… we don’t have any pollen. Uh… uh… [ breaking character ] Excuse me, John, I’m sorry! W-what are these outfits you have on? Gilda, did you know they were gonna be dressed like this in the scene?
Gilda Radner: Shhh!
Charles Grodin: No, I’m really thrown. I’m sorry. Are you supposed to be some kind of animals?
[ the Bees point their guns at Grodin ]
Killer Bee #3: We are not animals! We are Killer Bees!
Killer Bee #2: [ pointing his gun ] Give us your pollen — NOW!!
[ the Killer Bees cackle with glee ]
Charles Grodin: Hey, I’m sorry. Uh… it’s just that I didn’t expect to see you in these costumes, uh… They’re terrific — but you didn’t wear them in rehearsal, and, uh… maybe you wore them at Dress, but I — but I — it just seems all different than what I’ve seen.
Killer Bee #2: [ thrusting his gun ] Why do you pretend that you have no POLLEN?!! We are not FOOLS!!
Charles Grodin: No, no, no…!
[ Wife screams ]
Charles Grodin: [ he looks at Gilda, curious ] Uh — it’s just these little things moving around on your head. I — I think it’s very distracting to the audience, uh… I mean, it’s been my experience as an actor when things move on somebody’s head, uh, the audience is gonna look at them.
Gilda Radner: Chuck. Chuck. [ pointing ] See the man over there, with the cards? They have your lines on them. Could you just say your lines?
Charles Grodin: No, I KNOW my lines! Uh — well — actually, you see, I’m reallu a little thrown in this scene. I’m sorry! I’ve really kind of lost my… I’m very, very sorry. I’ve just lost my place completely, and, uh… Look, could we take it again? Could we take those things off your heads?
John Belushi: [ breaking character ] There’s no “again”, Chuck! There’s no “again”! This is LIVE television! it’s not the movies!
Charles Grodin: Well, I realize we’re doing it live, but, uh… you know, there’s good live, and there’s bad live, and, uh… maybe we should try to do some, uh, good live. [ the cast grumble amongst themselves ] Maybe I don’t fully understand The Bees! I mean, what are you? Are you playing children… dressed up as bees…? Or are you bees who are dressed up as children who are dressed up for Halloween? Am I supposed to believe that you’re real bees? I mean… I don’t really know how to relate to he whole Bee thing! I mean, it’s… it’s cute, it’s really cute. But I-I-I… it’s, uh…
Garrett Morris: Uhhhhh… I think we’re real bees…
Bill Murray: No…
Garrett Morris: We’re supposed to be real bees…
Bill Murray: No, I think that we’re NOT real bees. We have a lot of the characteristics of bees, but we’re like people, too…
Dan Aykroyd: No, no, I disagree — I think it’s an etymological charade! We’re actually biologically, etymologically, supposed to be bees!
John Belushi: [ outraged ] What are you TALKING about?!! Are you CRAZY?!! We’re doing a SCENE here! At least, we were, until he RUINED it!
Charles Grodin: Well, listen… if only someone had mentioned that you were gonna come in as insects. You see, I wasn’t told! In the movies, we’re told EVERYTHING! There are just not these kind of surprises.
Bill Murray: Well, we wore these in the Dress Rehearsal, Chuck.
Charles Grodin: Oh. Well… I-I’m very sorry I missed the Dress Rehearsal.
John Belushi: I can’t believe you’re the only host who’s ever missed the Dress Rehearsal! We had these ON!!
Charles Grodin: Well… I-I was out shopping for the gifts! Uh… the stores were closing… it was a DIRECT conflict with the Dress Rehearsal. Maybe if I had seen these costumes… I’m sure this can still work! okay, l-l-let’s take it from here! [ a couple of the cast members start to walk off stage ] W-wait a second! Wait a second, Bill! Please! Okay, look — [ he reaches into his pocket ] “Here’s come pollen,” uh… Bees… Bees. “I have some pollen for you…”
[ Belushi looks away from Grodin ]
Gilda Radner: John! John! Take the pollen, he’s the host!
John Belushi: Alright, alright… okay…
Charles Grodin: “Here’s the pollen.”
John Belushi: [ returning to character ] Uh, okay… “Uh, look, Carlos, uh… Thank you, Senor. Pollen!” [ he chuckles, as Killer Bee #5 crouches on one knee and strums his guitar ] “Senor. You saved my village. There are no pollen to put in the mouthes of our children. Our children were DYING! Our women were –” [ breaking character ] I can’t do this any more! Forget it! Wait a minute, wait… stop! [ Tom Schiller stops strumming his guitar ] I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I can’t do it. You know? I mean, it’s a JOKE! You know what I mean? I mean, I’m an ACTOR! I work hard at my CRAFT! You know? I’m here every week! You know? I’m a PRO! I’m a PROFESSIONAL!! John Belushi’s a professional, if nothing else! He does his job! He doesn’t LIKE The Bees, but he does it ANYWAY!! He does the BEST he can! You know. He does the best he can! [ the audience applauds wildly, joined in by Grodin ] Oh, my God! Look at this! [ he points at his Bee costume ] Look at this! Look! You know — but, YOU! [ he points at Grodin ] Yuo have no experience! I mean… you ruined the opening monologue, you Ruined my Samurai! okay? And now you’re ruining this scene! You don’t even know WHY you’re on the show! You have no idea!
Charles Grodin: L-look… I’m sorry! I’m really sorry. I should have been here more this week, I realize that. It’s just that it was either miss the Dress Rehearsal or not get the gifts. It was a direct conflict…
John Belushi: Hey — this is no game, Chuck! [ he begins to distract Grodin by making his antennae bounce in circles ] This is not a GAME! I mean, you know… you know… I mean, this is my ART! It’s ART to me! [ Grodin is now mesmerized by the bouncing antennae ] You know? And “Saturday Night” is IT for me, this is it! You know… I mean, it’s important to me! [ Grodin nods, his eyes focused on the bouncing antennae ] And I think… I think that I… I think I speak for everyone here and everyone in this cast, when I say… when I say to you… [ he cocks his gun ] YOU… are the lamest host we’ve EVER had!
[ Belushi leads the cast off the set to thunderous applause ]
John Belushi: Let’s get out of here! Get out of here!
Bill Murray: [ to Brodin ] You’re a parasite!
[ Grodin remains on stage with Gilda Radner ]
Charles Grodin: What a POWERFUL presence he has! You know, what a guy!
Gilda Radner: Chuck, can I talk to you for a second?
Charles Grodin: You know, in the right skit… those costumes would have been SENSATIONAL!
Gilda Radner: Look… look, Chuck… someone has got to tell you this.
Charles Grodin: Yes?
Gilda Radner: You have got to take control, if you’re gonna host the show!
Charles Grodin: What do you mean, Gilda? I-I am hosting the show! You talk like it’s in the… we’re on the air now! This is LIVE, right?
Gilda Radner: Yeah, yeah, I know. I know. But, look — you have just got to take CONTROL, or you’re gonna be cut completely out of the show!
Charles Grodin: [ dumbfounded ] I could be cut?
Gilda Radner: Yeah.
Charles Grodin: I’m the host.
Gilda Radner: Yeah.
Charles Grodin: I thought it was… I thought it was going fairly well.
Gilda Radner: I-I-I gotta quick-change.
Charles Grodin: Yeah.
[ Gilda exits the stage ]
Charles Grodin: [ glancing upward ] Lorne? Lorne, this isn’t going to affect my song, is it? I mean, the Bee thing ran a little long, it’s not gonna… eat into the time for my song, Lorne, is it?
Voice of Lorne Michaels: Chuck, I-I’m afraid it does. Uh… uh… it really looks now like the song is cut.
Charles Grodin: Lorne! Lorne, this is my own composition! It tells how I feel about life!
Voice of Lorne Michaels: Uh — uh — I’m very, very sorry, Chuck.
Charles Grodin: Gee, I… well, what should I do now?
Voice of Lorne Michaels: Could you just say that we’ll be right back?
Charles Grodin: [ beaten ] “We’ll be right back.”
[ the audience applauds, as Grodin shirks off the stage past the other cast members ]
[ SUPER: “coming up next… Economy Class Ego Trips” ]
…..Dan Aykroyd Foreground Passengers…..Tom Davis, Al Franken, Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel
[ open on interior, airplane, late at night. All the passengers are asleep, except for Dan Aykroyd in the rear. ]
Announcer: News gathering is a tough, demanding job. News never stops happening, so the best reporters never stop working. And the “Weekend Update” reporters are the best. That’s why, on assignments from Bangor to Bangkok — or wherever the American Press is working — there will always be one reporter who hangs in there, when all the others have quit.
[ zoom in on Aykroyd as he smokes and types up a story ]
That reporter is award-winning newsman… Dan Aykroyd. He’s the guy in the “Weekend Update” news team who works overtime, staying up all night to bring you total news coverage.
[ reveal that Aykroyd is exhaustedly typing away with no sheet of paper within his typerwriter’s carriage ]
The BEST keep on working. The news doesn’t wait ’til the morning… and you can’t write the news if you’re asleep.
[ Aykroyd reaches down to pull out his copy, suddenly realizing he has been typing directly onto the carriage. He glances around, confused. ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 3: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 29th, 1977 Charles Grodin Paul Simon The Persuasions Art Garfunkel Al Franken Tom Davis Alan Zweibel Michael O’Donoghue Neil Levy Tom Schiller Unprepared CharlesSummary: The cast are upset when Charles Grodin misses dress rehearsal so he can buy gifts for everyone. Transcript
Montage
Charles Grodin’s MonologueSummary: Charles Grodin confesses that he didn’t realize there would be an audience, and he wishes he had put more time aside to rehearse. Transcript
Weekend Update PromoSummary: While the rest of the world sleeps, a groggy-eyed Dan Aykroyd stays awake to prepare the next night’s news. Transcript
Return of The ConeheadsSummary: Back on Earth in time for Halloween, The Conehead Family dispense fried egg embryos and beer to trick-or-treaters. Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead. Transcript
Charles’ Movie
Paul Simon performs “Slip Sliding Away”First Performed: 75b.
Consumer ProbeSummary: Irwin Mainway’s (Dan Aykroyd) unsafe Halloween costumes include the Invisible Pedestrian and Johnny Combat. Recurring Characters: Irwin Mainway. Transcript
The “Anyone Can Host” ContestSummary: Bill Murray updates viewers on the contest’s progress as Michael O’Donoghue rejects entries for various minor infractions. Transcript
Samurai Dry CleanersSummary: Impressed by the premise, Charles Grodin ruins John Belushi’s performance as Samurai Futaba by commenting on it throughout the sketch. Recurring Characters: Futaba. Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Entertainment reporter Bill Murray criticizes one-man shows for not being a real theatrical experience. Dr. Willard Jackson (Garrett Morris) shows Dan Aykroyd the bones of famous dead people.
Simon & GarfunkelSummary: Paul Simon is vexed by Charles Grodin’s need to do a duet with him while donning an Art Garfunkel wig, which Art Garfunkel himself relinquishes. Transcript
The Killer BeesSummary: Thrown by the costumes, Charles Grodin ruins John Belushi’s performance as the leader of the Killer Bees and is promptly told off. Recurring Characters: Bees. Transcript
The Judy Miller ShowSummary: Judy Miller (Gilda Radner), an excitable little girl, hosts a talk show for herself in her bedroom. Recurring Characters: Judy Miller. Transcript
The Professional School of FootballSummary: Spokesman (Garrett Morris) quizzes viewers on their potential to become professional football players. Transcript
Paul Simon performs “You’re Kind”
Hire The IncompetentSummary: Dress rehearsal absentee Charles Grodin speaks out for the rights of other incompetent people. Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna. Transcript
Woman … Jane Curtin Man … John Belushi Policeman #1 … Bill Murray Policeman #2 … Dan Aykroyd
[A man reads a newsletter and a woman reads a book while sitting on a sofa in a nicely furnished living room, a large window overlooking a city skyline in the background. The woman closes her book and puts it on the coffee table in front of her, then leans back with a sigh.]
Woman: I’m done studying for tonight. How ’bout you, honey?
Man: Yeah. I don’t think I’m gonna find a cure for cancer tonight. [closes newsletter and puts it on coffee table]
Woman: Mmm.
Man: What do you say we just relax, smoke a joint, go to bed? [starts rolling a joint]
Woman: Great idea.
Man: Yeah. Too much studying, you know? You know, Dr. Shell’s paper on the isolation of cancer cells in bladder tissue is very interesting.
Woman: I’ll have to read that before I go to the day care center tomorrow.
Man: Oh, yeah. Please. I got it here somewhere. [lights up and takes a couple of drags on the joint, inhaling deeply, then, with eyes and mouth wide open:] Aaahhhhhh! [passes joint to woman who takes it – butbefore she can take a toke, the door bursts open and two plainclothes policemen charge in with guns drawn]
Policeman #1: Freeze!
Policeman #2: X-Police!
[Man and woman slump back on sofa, hands in the air.]
Man: X-Police?!
[The two cops flash their wallets – but there are no badges in them.]
Policeman #2: We were kicked off the force a couple of months ago.
Policeman #1: That won’t keep us from enforcing the law! You two were smoking marijuana! [takes joint out of woman’s hand, stubs it out in an ashtray and pockets it]
Woman: You can’t–!
Policeman #1: It’s a felony!
Woman: You can’t come in here without a warrant!
Policeman #1: All right. This is my warrant, baby.
[Policeman #1 hits woman on head with the butt of his gun, knocking her unconscious.]
Man: [jumps up in protest] Hey! Look! You can’t–!
[Policeman #2 grabs man and pushes him up against door.]
Man: Whaaaaaaa!
[Policeman #2 shakes the man violently by the collar, pounding his head against the door with every syllable:]
Policeman #2: [screaming viciously] I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen a thirteen year old turned on to heroin because some punk like you gave her a marijuana joint?! Pot! Grass! Marijuana! It’s all the same!
Policeman #1: [calmly] Joe! Maybe you should stop hitting his head against the wall. He’s already unconscious. He could get seriously hurt.
[Policeman #2 finally stops and lets the man drop limply to the floor. The two cops stand over the motionless body.]
Policeman #2: It’s too late. He’s dead! Another marijuana-related death!
Policeman #1: Better make it look like the girl did it.
Policeman #2: That’s a good idea. [pulls out his gun and shoots the man, sighs, then sees a glass of water by the windowsill] Okay, gimme that glass of water.
[#1 wipes the fingerprints off his gun with a handkerchief as #2 fetches the glass of water – #1 puts the gun in the unconscious woman’s hand – #2 hands the water glass to #1 who, taking care not to get prints on the glass, splashes water in the woman’s face to wake her up – she awakens with a cry and looks around, sees the man on the floor and rises to stare at him in horror.]
Woman: What’s happened?
Policeman #2: Huh! You two were smoking marijuana. You got hysterical. He threw a glass of water in your face. And you shot him!
Woman: [horrified, she drops the gun and screams] What have I done?! Aaaaaahhhhhh!
[The two cops watch impassively as the woman runs screaming to the window and jumps through it, smashing the glass and disappearing from view.]
Policeman #1: [rolls his eyes, takes joint out of pocket, holds it up] Marijuana! [crushes the joint in his fingers as the snarky X-Police theme music kicks in]
Policeman #2: Let’s get out of here before the real police arrive.
[#1 throws down the joint. #2 throws down the handkerchief. The two cops exit. Dissolve to the woman, breathing heavily, a cloth over her face, as she stands in a police station, waiting to be photographed for her criminal file.]
Don Pardo V/O: Susan Klein recovered from her fall and was convicted of first degree murder in the shooting death of her husband. She was sentenced to life in prison at the California State Women’s Penitentiary where she was killed in a prison riot. [Dissolve to agraphic of a badgeless wallet over which is superimposed the text: X-POLICE] Join us again next week for another episode of X-Police!
[Dissolve to a wide shot of the now empty living room set and theapplauding audience.]
Air Date:
Summary: The cast are upset when Charles Grodin misses dress rehearsal so he can buy gifts for everyone.
Summary: Charles Grodin confesses that he didn’t realize there would be an audience, and he wishes he had put more time aside to rehearse.
First Performed: 
Summary: Irwin Mainway’s (Dan Aykroyd) unsafe Halloween costumes include the Invisible Pedestrian and Johnny Combat.
Summary: Impressed by the premise, Charles Grodin ruins John Belushi’s performance as Samurai Futaba by commenting on it throughout the sketch.
Summary: Entertainment reporter Bill Murray criticizes one-man shows for not being a real theatrical experience. Dr. Willard Jackson (Garrett Morris) shows Dan Aykroyd the bones of famous dead people.
Summary: Judy Miller (Gilda Radner), an excitable little girl, hosts a talk show for herself in her bedroom.
Summary: Dress rehearsal absentee Charles Grodin speaks out for the rights of other incompetent people.
