Wilco: [ singing ] “I try to stay busy I do the dishes, I mow the lawn I try to keep myself occupied Even though I know youre not coming home
I try to keep the house nice and neat I make my bed I change the sheets I even learned how to use the washing machine But keeping things clean doesnt change anything
What am I gonna do when I run out of shirts to fold? What am I gonna do when I run out of lawn to mow? What am I gonna do if you never come home? Tell me, what am I gonna do?
I hate it I hate it here When youre gone
I caught myself thinking I caught myself thinking once again Have to try to keep my mind out of this Try not to pretend
Ill check the phone Ill check the mail Ill check the phone again and I call your mom She says youre not there and I should take care
I hate it here When youre gone I hate it I hate it here When youre gone
I try to stay busy I take out the trash, I sweep the floor Try to keep myself occupied Cause I know you dont live here anymore.”
Ellen Page: Wow! Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m Ellen Page, and oh my god, it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean I’ve had an amazing year, I was nominated for an Academy Award for my role in Juno, [applause] No, I didn’t win, I didn’t win you guys, but you know — being in New York is just such a thrill for me, it’s —
[Diablo Cody walks out with her Oscar she won for writing Juno]
Diablo Cody: Um, Excuse me!
Ellen Page: Wow. Hey guys, this is my friend, Diablo Cody, she wrote Juno!
Diablo Cody: What’s up? You left your hamburger phone. [Hands Ellen a hamburger]
Ellen Page: Thanks.
Diablo Cody: So what’s the dealio, home-skillet? What happened to what I wrote for you?
Ellen Page: Yeah, I know I asked you to write something for me at that Oscar party, but, when I read it, I thought it felt more like how Juno would talk than me.
Diablo Cody: Play it again, Samantha! I blog to differ.
Ellen Page: I’m really sorry, Diablo. I know you worked really hard on it.
Diablo Cody: Yeah, you bet your stupid human ass I did, Page Against the Machine. Need ye forget, my bologna has an first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R! [Flaunts her Oscar around]
Ellen Page: Congratulations. Okay, if it means that much to you, I’ll read what you wrote.
Diablo Cody: Awesome! And go.
Ellen Page: Okay, thank you, thank you! Gracias por mucho, señor. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Lizzive.
Ellen Page: You know, things have gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs since I started Juno, which was common denominated for Best Flickeroni. Diablo, I’m sorry. I’m not really comfortable saying this right now.
Diablo Cody: What’s your dental damage, Kermit the Blog? I mean exquise me for writing you a world-class monoblog.
Ellen Page: Okay, you’re using the word blog entirely too much.
Diablo Cody: What the blog are you blogging about, Sonic the Hedgeblog? Blog the Bounty Hunter? Captain Sblog?
Ellen Page: Okay, will you just–
Diablo Cody: Snoop Bloggy Blog featuring Nate Blog!
Ellen Page: Great Diablo. I’m really sorry, but if I could just do this the normal way, I mean I’m hosting…
Diablo Cody: It’s Coolio Iglesias. I’m gonna drink my way into Sunny D-tinis. I heard the after parties here are off the Hulk like Bruce Banner’s shirt.
Ellen Page: Way to leave on a high note.
Diablo Cody: I was a stripper!
Ellen Page: Well, we have a great show, Wilco is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.
[Opens with a young guy playing video games in his living room couch. A cute young girl enters the room a little out of breath with a black Melissa Etheridge t-shirt, jeans.]
Rico: Hey, babe. How was the Melissa Etheridge concert?
Marty: Oh my God! It was awesome!
Rico: Oh, good.
Marty: No, no, no. Like un-freakin’-believable!
Rico: I’m glad you had fun.
Marty: No, you don’t understand! It was like all this women packed in there, you know, and they were all like in every shape and size and they were all singing and bonding! And there were tables were you could sign like…petitions for, female, circumcisions….to stop, and, and Suze Orman was there and she had this booth for gay mortgages and there were all this girls in athletic tank tops and I was like “Oh, my God!”
[Jumps and lands besides Rico on the couch]
Rico: And how was the actual concert?
Marty: Oh, Melissa was insane! And her girlfriend came out and sang something with her and they showed slides of their kids and it was so inspiring! And then The Indigo Girls came out as a surprise and I was like “AAAAAAHHHH!!!”
[She jumps a couple of times]
Rico: Were there any guys there?
Marty: No, no…and then they all sang “Closer I Am To Fine” together in this big great lezzie jam and that is such a memory song for me!
Rico: It is?
Marty: Yeah, and then Ellen DeGeneres came out and did this bit about being in the closet when she was young and I was like “AAAAAAHHHH!!!”[She jumps back on the couch] It was so funny and true, you know, and I just don’t know what to do with myself because I felt so free, you know?[She lies on the couch]
Rico: Marty, did you go gay in that concert?
Marty: Gay? No way! I don’t know what you mean by gay though.
Rico: I don’t know like “ladies having sex with each other” gay.
Marty: I just felt like I was an oil lamp that’s never been lit. Now I’m finally burning bright with sister fire. Oh God, and there were so many cute short haircuts and wearable art and I don’t care that I don’t have make-up on! Everybody smelled so good and I was like “AAAAAHHHH!!!”
[She slides from the couch into the floor]
Rico: You so went gay at that concert.
Marty: Oh, why does everything has to have a fricking label?![She opens up her legs wide, spread eagle, she holds her legs open] Why can’t I just hug a woman with my legs in friendship?
Rico: Yeah, you are like primo lesbian now.
Marty: What is lesbian though? Really! Come on!
Rico: I don’t know, you and another girl sucking face with no bras on and not because it’s my birthday?
[She jumps back on the couch and she gets very close to Rico’s face]
Marty: Its not like that, Rico! I just really ache to have deeper relationships with the women in my life![Getting turned on she whispers on Rico’s ear] Especially the tall one that was standing next to me with the dark ponytail and she was like, had this legs and they were all brown and they were strong and they were shooting out of her shorts….ahh!
Rico: Marty, this might just be a phase.
Marty: Like a permanent phase?
Rico: Well, I just want you to know that if it turns out you are a real lez, then I’ll go gay too and we can still live together.
[They face each other on the couch and look straight into each others eyes]
Dakota Fanning….Amy Poehler Reggie Hudson….Kenan Thompson Mylie Cyrus….Ellen Page Mariam Budia….Casey Wilson Sharoiki Kasuko….Fred Armisen Bruce Vilanch….Jason Sudeikis
[Opens with a cool jazz riff from Reggie and his band on a TV studio. Child actress Dakota Fanning in a pink blouse comes out and waves to the crowd]
Caption: The Dakota Fanning Show
Reggie: Its The Dakota Fanning Show! With your host Dakota Fanning!
Dakota Fanning: Hello, hello everyone. And welcome to The Dakota Fanning show. Where child actors have the opportunity to discuss a wide range of issues. From the ascension of Raul Castro in the lingering sub prime mortgage crisis, to lighter topics like the new Cai Guo Qiang exhibit at the Guggenheim. Before we get started has everyone seen the film Persepolis? Reggie?
Reggie: Um, I don’t think so.
Dakota Fanning: You know, the adaptation of Marjane Satrapi graphic novel?
Reggie: Graphic novel? You mean, like a comic book?
Dakota Fanning: That’s right, Reggie. But in this comic book no one has mutant powers so you might not be interested!
[Reggie is offended]
Dakota Fanning: The marvelous Reggie Hudson!
[Cool jazz riff. Dakota jumps like a little girl on her chair]
Dakota Fanning: As you know The Dakota Fanning Show has been off the air during the writer’s strike and I would like to take this opportunity to welcome back our incredible writing staff. Spanish playwright Mariam Budia[shot of Mariam depressed face], Japanese poet Sharoiki Kasuko[shot of nerdy poet], and Bruce Valanch![shot of Bruce with his beard and wild hair, giddy as hell waving hello] He’s the best! Now, the goal of this show has always been to represent the voice of my generation and today we’ll hear that voice first-hand in a new segment called “Kids speak”.
Reggie:[sings the jingle]Kids speak! Speaking with kids! Kids speak!
[Cut to Dakota in Rockefeller Center, microphone in hand asking questions to three kids]
Dakota Fanning: Did Stalin bring down the Soviet Union? Or was it an experiment doom to fail?
[The kids are stumped]
Kid: What?
[Cut to another little kid]
Dakota Fanning: What’s your favorite David Lynch movie?
Kid: Uuummmm…..
[Cut to another kid]
Dakota Fanning: What’s your thought on the nuclear crisis in Iran?
[cut to another kid]
Dakota Fanning: Did you catch Phillip Glass at Carnegie Hall?
Kid: No.
[cut to boy and a girl]
Dakota Fanning: Who’s your celebrity crush?
Girl: Zach Ephron.
Dakota Fanning: Mine’s Charlie Rose!
[cut to 3 kids]
Dakota Fanning: Updike or Gaddis?
[cut to another kid]
Dakota Fanning: Tolstoy or Dostoevsky?
[cut to 3 kids]
Dakota Fanning: “Bonjour Tritesse”—masterpieces or overrated?
Kid: What’s a masterpiece?
Dakota Fanning: That’s a good question!
[cut to a black kid]
Dakota Fanning: Is Sarkozy trampling French people’s rights?
[kid is stumped]
Jingle: Kids speak!
[cut back to studio on Reggie]
Reggie: What the f…?
Dakota Fanning: My guest this evening stars on a show called Hannah Montana. An obvious allusion to Montana Wildhack from Vonnegut’s “Slaughterhouse-Five”. Please welcome, Hannah Montana herself, Mylie Cyrus!
[Mylie and Dakota jump around like little girls then both take a seat]
Mylie Cyrus: Oh my gosh, Dakota! Its such a thrill to be here!
Dakota Fanning: I’m sure it is! Now, I understand you’ve been on some kind of a concert tour?
Mylie Cyrus: Oh, you wouldn’t believe it! I got to perform in 54 cities for over a million people. Wow!
Reggie: Hey, I took my kids to see your concert, Mylie. You were amazing! Those songs are still stuck in my head.
Dakota Fanning: Well then, you better keep those songs coming, Mylie! Cause he’s got a lot of space to fill!
[Reggie’s smile disappears. Offended again]
Dakota Fanning: Now Mylie, tell me about your character, Hannah Montana!
Mylie Cyrus: Well, I have sort of a dual personality. Like, I’m Mylie Cyrus in normal life but on stage I’m Hannah Montana! Whooo!
Dakota Fanning: Interesting. You know, I have a music career also and an alter ego. You’re Hannah Montana and I’m Wanda Rwanda. Can we show the album cover?[shot of the album cover is sickly blue with Dakota looking all depressed holding her hand up. Wanda Rwanda a jam sesh called Wanda] Its an unique mix of spoken word, industrial jazz, folk funk, aeolian wind harp solos and covers of Tom Waits B-sides.
Mylie Cyrus: Awesome! Did you collaborate with Reggie on the album?
Reggie:[angry] Yeah, did you collaborate with Reggie on the album? Because I seem to remember Reggie waiting on winter for a phone call.
Dakota Fanning: It was more of a solo project. But if I ever need a second fiddle I won’t forget ‘ol Reggie!
Reggie:[mutters under his breath] Yeah, I’ll fiddle with your car brakes.
[Mylie brings out a doll]
Mylie Cyrus: Hey, hold it Dakota! Check this out! Its my new Hannah Montana doll. Its pretty awesome, right?!
Dakota Fanning: Yeah, I also have a doll. Its for my upcoming film called “Hurricane Mary” were my sister and I play severely disabled twins.
Mylie Cyrus: You want to play?
[Close-up on Mylie’s doll and Dakota’s hideous half-size doll.]
Dakota Fanning: Oh, I wish I could play but I’m severely disabled.
[Drops doll on its face]
Mylie Cyrus: Can I just sing one of my songs?
Dakota Fanning: You got it! But only if you let me join you on the Hurdy Gurdy!
Reggie: Hit it!
[Mylie gets up and rocks out]
Mylie Cyrus:[sings] Best of both worlds! Chilling out, take it slow then you rock out the show! You’ve got the best of both worlds!….
[Dakota cranks an old timey music box that she has hanging from her neck]
[Opens with an office. A guy in a suit and tie enters with some files on his hands. He appears nervous. The 2 secretaries sitting at the desks appear a little robot-like. Tentative behavior]
Businessman: I have the Anderson files. Should I put them on the desk?
Secretary 1: Oh, the Anderson files. File them for the meeting.
Secretary 2: I hope Johnson’s gonna be there. His briefcase is full of those files.
[A guy enters the frame in a suit and tie also and thumbs to the office scene behind him]
Representative: How is that for professional speak? Most people would enter that situation and be intimidated. But you don’t have to be. Learn the ins and the outs of the business world by enrolling in The College For Excellence.
[Shot of The College For Excellence. It is on top of the Korean Savings Bank]
[Back to the office scene]
Representative: I know what you’re saying. “Ha,ha,ha. Look how cheap that place looks. That’sso tacky looking”. Well, laugh it up because actually real estate New York is like that. There’s all kinds of situations where one business is right on top of another. That’s just the way it is here. Here at The College For Excellence you will learn respected terminology[a clueless student opens the door and wanders around behind the representative for the college, he fumbles some fliers in the bulletin board] that businessmen use all around the world. Terms like: “Where are the Johnson files?” [signals for the change of cue card, the clueless student looks at the camera, walks out] “Are you going to that meeting at 8 a.m.?”[signals]”Fax this for me, please”[signals]”Fax this for me, please”[signals]”Let’s get in the elevator, everybody”[signals]”Give me those files and I’ll give you these”[signals]”Renee, can you get Maclunahan on the phone?”[signals twice, clueless student enters again and wanders around]”Write a proposal ASAP, please”[signals]”We should meet that dead line”[signals, clueless student goes out the door again looking directly into the camera]”It went to voice mail”
Student/Secretary 1: [tentative] I learned all kinds of terms at The College For Excellence. “I sent that mass e-mail and I cc’d everybody”[student/businessman enters the frame to say something but pulls back] “Dial her extension”, “That’s a private matter”, “I just used the copier, here you go”
Student/Businessman: [nervous] I, I learned expressions such as: “That’s their loss”, “Well, I wasn’t told about that”[Student/Secretary 2 mouths the expressions next to Student/Businessman] “These files all have to be updated” “These can be shred” “I put it in your drawer” “Talk to his assistant” “That’s not my concern, talk to his assistant”
Representative: That’s right. I’ll even show you physical things like how to handle over files.
Student/Businessman: Here you go.[gives the files to Student/Secretary 2]
Student/ Secretary 1: This one?
Student/Businessman: [gives files back to Student/Secretary 1] Yes.
Representative: It’s The College For Excellence and you should enroll now! Do it!
3 Students: Do it!
Representative: [very sincere] Yeah, hey, um, you know, I know a lot of you, you know, smart guys from colleges who have a high-paying jobs, you know, you guys are all laughing at this, you know, you’re saying to your friends “Oh, this late night commercials, they’re so cheesy, ha,ha,ha” But, you know,um, this is a decent establishment and it really helps some people.[clueless student wanders in again, he talks with the other student behind the College For Excellence representative] And I seen it work. And if its not for you, then great, move on. But you know, you don’t go sendingthis around on e-mail going:”Oh, look at this, you should see this place. Its stupid. Heh,heh,heh”Don’t do that, you know, so[signals] roll the end part. Thank you. Thanks a lot.
[Shot of The College For Excellence logo]
Announcer: That’s The College For Excellence on 33rd street. Between 6th avenue and 7th. Above the Korean bank. It’s a decent establishment, so enroll! If its not for you, then great, move on.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 33: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 1st, 2008 Ellen Page Wilco None Vincent D’Onofrio Hillary Clinton Rudolph Giuliani Democratic DebateSummary: News anchors continue to fawn over Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) while giving Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) during their latest Democratic debate. Afterwards, the real Hillary Clinton gives an editorial response to the sketch. Bio: Vincent D’Onofrio (1959-). Actor; portrayed Private Leonard “Gomer Pyle” Lawrence in “Full Metal Jacket” (1987); has starred as Det. Robert Goren on “Law & Order: Criminal Intent”, since 2001. Bio: Hillary Clinton (1947-). Politician; served as First Lady under President Bill Clinton, 1993-2001; served as senator for New York, since 2001. Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Tim Russert, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton.
Montage
Ellen Page’s MonologueSummary: Former stripper and “Juno” screenwriter Diablo Cody (Andy Samberg) chides Ellen Page for not using the wacky-worded monologue she wrote for the occasion. Bio: Ellen Page (1987-). Actress; nominated as Best Actress for starring in “Juno”. Transcript
The Dakota Fanning ShowSummary: After taking to the street to discuss real issues with real kids, Dakota Fanning (Amy Poehler) welcomes “Hannah Montana” star Miley Cyrus (Ellen Page) to the program. Recurring Characters: Dakota Fanning, Reggie. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In “The Obama Files”, Barack Obama stays one step ahead to keep former Democratic also-rans Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton away from his campaign trail.
The College For ExcellenceSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) touts the fully-serious business school that teaches the phrases which will guarantee success a the office. Transcript
The Other Boleyn GirlsSummary: The roster of Boleyn sisters descends from the attractive Anne (Ellen Page) to a hideous man-in-drag (Kenan Thompson).
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: During a series of nightmares, a young woman (Ellen Page) continuously sees a crazed psycho (Andy Samberg) in “The Mirror”. Transcript
Wilco performs “Hate It Here”Bio: Chicago rock band formed in the wake of alternative country group Uncle Tupelo in 1994; members: Jeff Tweedy, John Stirratt, Nels Cline, Glenn Kotche, Pat Sansone, Mikael Jorgensen. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani declares it was his appearance in drag while hosting “Saturday Night Live” ten years earlier that cost him his bid for the Republican nomination. Comedian Nicolas Fehn (Fred Armisen). Recurring Characters: Nicolas Fehn.
The Continuing Adventures of Peter PanSummary: Captain Hook’s (Bill Hader) plans for revenge on Peter Pan (Ellen Page) go awry when his pirates join the chorus of Lost Boys. Transcript
Wilco performs “Walken”
The Melissa Etheridge ExperienceSummary: When Marty (Ellen Page) is super-psyched after returning from a Melissa Etheridge concert, her boyfriend Rico (Andy Samberg) thinks she turned gay. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts WDHX NewsSummary: Field reporter (Kristen Wiig) reports live, via tape delay, where her desk anchors (Will Forte, Ellen Page) are unable to protect her from jungle creatures about to attack. Note: This sketch will also be cut from next week’s dress rehearsal.
Roger Clemens PresentsSummary: Roger Clemens (Jason Sudeikis) has written a play that demonstrates the results of not letting baseball players use steroids. Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Amy Adams.
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: It’s good to see you again! I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler! Here are tonight’s top stories.
The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it’s known among lobbyists: “lobbying”.
The province of Kosovo, on Sunday, declared independence from Serbia, prompting Hillary Clinton to ask, “So who gets those delegates?”
Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, after 49 years in power, 81 year-old Fidel Castro resigned as Cuba’s president. Quitter!
U.S. military officials have announced that they successfully shot down a damaged spy satellite Wednesday, and that the resulting shards of debris are expected to be no larger than footballs — THOUSANDS of them — raining down from the sky in an apocalyptic nightmare of toxic hellfire. So, rest easy.
Amy Poehler: According to Los Angeles officials, the Hollywood Writers Strike cost the city $2.5 billion. Or, roughly: ten movies about treasure.
Seth Meyers: Baseball player Andy Pettitte apologized Monday for taking performance-enhancing drugs, blaming his actions on “stupidity” and “desperation”, and “not expecting to get caught.”
During his visit to Liberia this week, President Bush was given the nation’s highest civilian honor — a meal.
Amy Poehler: Scientists on Monday said they have discovered evidence of a large toad, nicknamed the “devil frog”, which lived 65 million years ago and may have eaten newborn dinosaurs. But then, when pressed for details, the scientists admitted they were just making it all up.
Seth Meyers: After his win in Wisconsin on Tuesday, Sen. John McCain announced himself the Republican nominee for President. This despite the fact that his closest rival, Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, remains in the race. Here to explain why he has yet to recede, Gov. Mike Huckabee! [ applause as Huckabee appears to Seth’s left] Uh — hello, Governor, hello.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Hello, Seth… Amy.
Seth Meyers: So, Governor — you remain in the race, despite the fact that it’s a mathematical impossibility that you can win. And our question is: Why?
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, Seth, uh — the media loves to throw around the term “mathematical impossibility”… but no one can ever explain exactly what that means to me.
Seth Meyers: Well, let me give it a shot. Basically, it takes 1,191 delegates to clench your party’s nomination, and, even if you won every remaining unpledged delegate, you would still fall 200 delegates short.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: [ amazed ] Wow. Uh — Seth, that was an excellent explanation, uh — but I’m afraid that you overlooked the all-important SUPERDELEGATES. Don’t forget about them.
Seth Meyers: Alright. Well, I won’t forget about them… but the superdelegates are only in the Democratic Primary.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: [ stunned ] Uhhh — they can’t vote in the Republican Primary?
Seth Meyers: They cannot.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Uh-oh! [ his face turns red ] Uh — that’s not good news. Yuo know, Seth, I was counting on those superdelegates!
Seth Meyers: Uh-huh. Sorry to break that to you! Now, uh — does this mean that, now that you know that, you’re gonna drop out of the race?
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, fortunately, Seth, uh — I’m not a math guy. I’m more of a miracle guy. Uh, so, at this point, I’m going to focus on the miracle part. But if that miracle doesn’t happen, let me assure the American people that Mike Huckabee does not overstay his welcome. When it’s time for me to go, I’ll know… and I’ll exit out with class and grace.
Seth Meyers: Well, that is really good to know. We appreciate your stopping by, Governor. Gov. Mike Huckabee, everyone!
[ the audience applauds ]
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Thank you, Seth… thank you, Amy.
Seth Meyers: No, no — thank you so much for stopping by.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, thank you! Great to be here!
[ Huckabee remains seated, as Seth and Amy wait for him to make his exit ]
Amy Poehler: It was great having you.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, it was just GREAT being here!
Amy Poehler: Great.
[ Huckabee remains seated at the desk ]
Seth Meyers: Gov. Mike Huckabee, everyone!
[ Huckabee remains seated ]
Seth Meyers: Uh — Governor — Governor Huckabee..?
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Seth?
Seth Meyers: I — I think we’re done now, sir.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Oh, right. You — you know, normally I pick up on those things. Uh — sorry.
[ Huckabee pulls away from the deks and exits ]
Seth Meyers: Alright. Gov. Mike Huckabee, everybody! Great — he’s GREAT with social cues!
Amy Poehler: A kitten that ran out of its carrier case in a New York City subway platform has been found after 25 days in the underground tunnels. The kitten reportedly survived by hooking up with a hip-hop dance crew.
It was announced this week that butter and sweets will no longer be on the menu at New York City jails. Great news for inmates “Butter” and “Sweets”.
Seth Meyers: A California man’s collection of 301 rare American pennies sold at auction this week for $10.7 million. Far exceeding my pre-auction estimate of three dollars and one cent.
Officials at Nickelodeon have begun casting for the lead in the new “Dora the Explorer” live-action movie, and here’s the frontrunner: [ photo of Javier Bardem from “No Country For Old Men” ] He may be a little dark, but it’ll work…
Amy Poehler: Rapper Snoop Dogg was given a desk appearance ticket Wednesday night in New York for possession of marijuana. Snoop called the ticket “unfair” and “hard to roll”.
Lurch, a dog in Michigan, was given the Pet’s Best Friend award by a local American Red Cross chapter, for donating blood over twenty times. Now, obviously, Lurch can’t talk, but, if he could, I think he would say: “Mmm… my balls are delicious!”
Seth Meyers: The hot new toy at this year’s Toy Fair is the Spykee Robot, which can change TV channels, play music from its built-in iPod dock, and send live video through a WiFi connection. Yet another in a long line of setbacks for wooden blocks.
Matthew McConaughey will appear shirtless in TV ads for Dolce & Gabbana’s new fragrance — also, everywhere else.
The name of the fragrance? You guessed it — [ in character: ] “Alright, alright, alright..!”
Amy Poehler: And now it’s time for the latest installment of “Women’s News”, with special “Women’s News” correspondent Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Thank you, Amy. I think we can all agree that it’s a great time to be a lady in America. And not just because of that new yogurt that helps you poop — although, on the serious, thank you for that yogurt!
Now, let’s take a look at the stories affecting your daughters and mothers and the grouchy ladies in your office.
Lindsey Lohan recently recreated an old Marilyn Monroe photo shoot for New York Magazine, and I have to hand it to Lindsey for continuing to find new and different ways to look old.
A new study shows that strokes have tripled in recent years among middle-aged women, which doctors blame on obesity… and which I blame on sixty-five year-old women calling themselves middle-aged.
Kirstie Alley is saying that rumors that she has regained the weight she lost on Jenny Craig are not true. Hmm? She knows we can see her, right? It’s not some kind of Scientology invisibility cloak?
And, finally, the most important women’s news item there is: We have our first serious female presidential candidate in Hillary Clinton — [ audience applauds ] And, yet, women have come so far as feminists that they don’t feel obligated to vote for a candidate just because she’s a woman. Women today feel perfectly free to make whatever choice Oprah tells them to.
Which raises the question: Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama? Some say that they are put off by the fact that Hillary can’t “control her husband” and that we would end up with “co-presidents”. ‘Cause that would be terrible, having two intelligent qualified people working together to solve problems. Ughh. Why would you let Starsky talk to Hutch? I wanna watch that show “Starsky.” You know, what is it, America? What is it? Are you weirded out that they’re married? Because I can promise you they are having exactly as much sex with each other as George Bush and Jeb Bush are.
Then, there is the scrutiny of her physical appearance. Rush Limbaugh, the Jeff Conaway of right wing radio, said that he doesn’t think America is ready to watch their president “turn into an old lady in front of them.” Really? They didn’t seem to mind when Ronald Reagan did that.
I think what bothers me the most is when people say that Hillary is a bitch. And, let me say something about that: Yeah, she is! And so am I! And so is this one! [ she points to Amy Poehler ]
Amy Poehler: Yeah, deal with it!
Tina Fey: You know what? Bitches get stuff done. That’s why Catholic schools use nuns as teachers and not priests! Those nuns are mean old clams, and they sleep on cots and they’re allowed to hit you! And, at the end of the school year, you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont! So, I’m saying it’s not too late, Texas and Ohio! Get on board! Bitch is the new black!
Amy Poehler: Tina Fey, everyone!
Seth Meyers: It’s great ot be back! For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Donald Trump….Darrell Hammond Jennifer Tilly….Kristen Wiig Ted Allen….Jason Sudeikis Charles Barkeley….Kenan Thompson Rachel Ray….Casey Wilson Mary Jo Buttafucco….Tina Fey John Mark Karr….Bill Hader Gene Simmons….Fred Armisen Matthew Lesko….Andy Samberg Creepy Old Dancing Guy from The Six Flags Commercials….Amy Poehler Judge Lance Ito….Will Forte
Announcer: Hollywood is back to work and so is NBC[TheHollywood sign, NBC offices and logo]with all theshows you’ve been missing. Just check out our newre-vamped Thursday night line-up.
Caption: Thursday.
Announcer: At 8:00 its an all new “CelebrityApprentice” [The O’Jays “For the love of money” plays.Celebrity Apprentice logo]Can “Queer Eye’s” Ted Allensurvive the wrath of the Donald?
[Cut to Donald Trump sitting at his boardroom tableand Ted Allen and Jennifer Tilly sit in front of him]
Donald Trump: Team Strike Force Dragon. Your task wasto invent a new flavor of gushers. America’s leader ingummy fruit snacks. You came up with the parma-berry.Jennifer Tilly, what is a parma-berry?
Jennifer Tilly: Its Parmesan cheese and boysenberry.
Donald Trump: Ted Allen from “Queer Eye”. I was toldyou were the gay guy with good taste. What gives?
Ted Allen: Well, I really thought the combination ofthe citrus with the ripeness of Parmesan would createa surprising mouth feel.
Donald Trump: It was gross! My daughter said it wasthe smelliest thing she ever put in her mouth! Guesswhat? You’re f—[scene freezes]
Announcer: Who knows what will happen next?
Caption: NBC Premiere Event
Announcer: Then at 9:00 its a special NBC “CelebrityApprentice. The New Breed”
Caption: Celebrity Apprentice. The New Breed.
Announcer: With Greg Allman[photo], MarioCantone[photo], Ron Popeil[photo], 1979 “Penthouse Petof the Year” Cheryl Rixon,[photo], Lou Bega[photo] andJaleel White[photo]. But first in the boardroom itsThe Food Network’s Rachel Ray and Sir CharlesBarkeley.
[Cut to the boardroom. Rachel smiles big, open mouthedand Charles stares at her with dumb look on him]
Donald Trump: Team Righteous Fist of Harmony. Thisweek I instructed you to come up with a dynamic new adcampaign for barefoot cruises. America’s premierclothing-optional cruise line. They’re dynamite.They’re really dynamite.Charles Barkeley, what did youcome up with?
Charles Barkeley: OK. Barefoot Cruises. “Its a newfangle, for your old dingle dangle”.
Donald Trump: Its not sexy. We’re talking barefootcruises. Its classy, erotic, like bearskin rugs andthree-cheese fondue! Rachel Ray?
Rachel Ray: Ooh! FONDUE! YUM-MERS! You could eat somuch they should call it FON-DON’T![braying laugh]
Charles Barkeley: Oh, Rachel Ray, you’re a nationaltreasure. Hey, I got one. Barefoot Cruises, “feel thebreeze without your dungarees”. OK, I’m fired.[gets up to leave]
Announcer: At 9:30 we mix it up with “CelebrityApprentice Special Victims Unit”.
Caption: Celebrity Apprentice. Special Victims Unit.
Announcer: With Keith Patton, Mary Jo Buttafucco andthe creepy JonBenet Ramsey guy John Mark Karr.
[In the boardroom sits Mary Jo Buttafucco with hercrooked mouth, mangled face and the creepy, unblinkingpederast John Mark Karr. A cop stands behind them]
Donald Trump: Your job is to produce and market yourown sex tape. John Mark Karr, I gotta be honest, yougive me the willies, man. And not in a good way.
John Mark Karr:[deep voice] Really? Well, I alwaysthought I had an innate, natural charisma. [staresahead like the living dead]
Donald Trump: Yuck. Mary Jo Buttafucco, your husbandJoey made a very, very classy sex film. Why didn’t youask him for advice?
Mary Jo Buttafucco:[crooked speech] Well, for obviousreasons we’re not on speaking terms.
Donald Trump: Welly, why? Did something happen between you two?
Mary Jo Buttafucco: Well, he had sex with an underagegirl and then she came to my house and shot me in the face.
Donald Trump: I’m very sorry to hear that. You’refired. What do you think of sex tapes surprising new Celebrity Judge Gene Simmons?
Gene Simmons: If you want to make a hot sex tapeyou’ve got to follow the Gene Simmons holy trinity ofsex tapes. Lock the camera down, keep your shirt onand bless the foreigner.[lowers his shades and gives ademonic smirk] That’s guaranteed to keep every sex tape moist.
Announcer: Then from 9:30 to 9:45 “CelebrityApprentice Goes Commercial” with Matthew Lesko.
Caption: Celebrity Apprentice Goes Commercial
[Matthew Lesko has his book “Free Money” on his hands.His suit is designed with dollar signs painted on it. Glasses, wild hair]
Matthew Lesko: The government will give you 20,000dollars to write your own opera!! BUY MY BOOK!
Announcer: And the creepy old dancing guy from the Six Flags commercial.
[Creepy old dancing guy has thick black eyeglasses,bald head, big nose and a tuxedo on]
Creepy Old Dancing Guy: Mr. Trump, I’m just thrilledto have the opportunity to demonstrate my business acumen.
Donald Trump: Are you gonna dance for us, old man?
Creepy Old Dancing Guy: I’d rather not.
Donald Trump: Then you’re fired. Isn’t that rightShocking Celebrity Judge from the O.J. Simpson trialand I might add–The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Judge Lance Ito?
[Judge Ito raises his gavel]
Judge Lance Ito:[sing-song]I brought my own gave-e-e-el!!
[NBC logo]
Announcer: NBC. Where quality happens.
[Music from the Six Flags commercials plays]
[The Creepy Old Dancing Guy dances wildly besides TheDonald. Donald looks at him for a moment then turns to the camera]
Kevin (Grandson 1)…..Bill Hader Thomas (Grandson 2)…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: The following is a message for old people.
Grandpa: Hi. Has this ever happened to you? (shows him watching TV) Youre watching a movie and you get confused or scared, because you dont recognize anyone. Well, youre not alone. I used to get scared all the time. But not anymore. Because my wife took all the movies and put my grandkids in them. (shows Kevin and Thomas) Theyre good boys, and theyre pretty good actors, and now, you can enjoy them, too. Because Im selling copies of what my wife did (holds up CD). Check out this scene from “No Country for Old Men”.
Employee 1: Yall gettin any rain up here in a while?
Employee 2: What business is it of yours, where Im from? Frendo.
Grandkids: Hi Grandpa! Hi!
Grandpa: Did you see them? Theyre the ones behind the counter. Thank God my wife did that. I love her so much, even though we sleep in separate beds now. Check out this scene from Michael Clayton.
George Clooney: Right now, theres a BCI unit pulling pay chips of a (phone rings).
Thomas: That phones in the movie, Grandpa. Thats not your phone.
Kevin: Dont get it.
Thomas: Your okay.
Kevin: Okay?
Thomas: Hi!
Kevin: Hi!
Grandpa: You know, I like how it was them instead of some stranger in the movie. How about these other films and the new words theyre saying. I dont understand anything, like in this scene from “Juno”.
Employee: Third test today, mama bear. Your eggo is preggo.
Thomas: Hes saying that he thinks shes pregnant, grandpa.
Employee: Your little boyfriends get meat in sperms, knocked you up twice.
Thomas: Im not actually sure what he meant that time, Grandpa. Hang on.
Employee: That aint gonna let you sketch, this is one doodle that cant be undid, homeskillet.
Thomas: Okay, fast-forward, Grandpa, it gets better.
Kevin: Hi Grandpa!
Grandpa: You know, they also give me a heads-up when things get a bit chaotic. Now take this scene from “The Transforming Robots”.
(Action takes place)
Soldier: MOVE!
(Several explosions take place)
Kevin: Turn it off, Grandpa, its too intense.
Thomas: Too much action!
Kevin: The green button!
Kevin and Thomas: The green button!
Kevin: Turn it off, this isnt real, grandpa.
Grandpa: Now what about volume? Its either too loud or too quiet. Like in “There Will be Blood”.
Creepy Guy: Well if its in me, its in you. The ties are my… (Kevin and Thomas walk across screen when hes talking) … when I see people, I see nothing worth liking.
Grandpa: Isnt that nice? Having my grandkids in that movie instead of some stinko, you cant remember their name? Now weve got all you favorite movies right here (shows 5 DVDs). So please, buy my DVDs that my wife made, and dont be scared anymore.
Air Date:
