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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Mirror Image

Hailey Winters…..Amy Adams
Hagley Winters…..Kristin Wiig
Mr. Heffernan…..Bill Hader
Announcer…..Paula Bell

Announcer: You’re watching ABC Family, because sometimes, regular ABC is just a little too in your face. Now, for the premiere of the 10th season of “Mirror Image!”

Theme song: They were two identical twins and they decided to pull a trick/They pretended to be the same person and only did half the work/Their plan was working perfectly, no one suspected a thing/But then they got to high school and one of them got fat! [Shows image of Hailey and Hagley standing at the same weight, then Hagley’s stomach getting larger] Mirror Image!

Mr. Heffernan: Everybody settle down! Settle down, please! Before we dive into the exciting world of Renaissance paintings, I’d like to welcome a new student to Totenville High school, Hailey Winters. [Hailey stands up and waves] Now, Hailey has skipped a grade, but despite her academic prowess, she also managed to win the equestrian championship and won top honor at the science fair, for her project, a cure for diabetes. Wow, Hailey, did I miss anything?

Hailey: I’d say you missed a career in male modeling.

Mr. Heffernan: [Blushes] Wow, that’s…very kind of you. I have to say, I don’t know how you pull it all off.

Hailey: I’ve been told I have the work ethic of two students. [Hailey winks at the camera with a toothy smile]

Mr. Heffernan: Well I’m sure you were able to finish that summer reading report. You do have that book report, right?

Hailey: Oh, right, the um…the book report. Could I just run to the bathroom?

Mr. Heffernan: You go right ahead.

Hailey: Thanks. I’ll be right back. [Hailey winks at the camera and walks out of the room]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, let’s open our textbooks to page 131, please. OK, as you all know…

Hagley: [Walks in the room with a padded stomach] Hey, sorry I took so long in the bathroom. I had to pee so much the whole bowl overflowed. Here’s my report.

Mr. Heffernan: Uh…excuse me, who are you, and what are you doing here?

Hagley: What do you mean? I’m Hailey Winters! And I’m here to learn about [Trying to pronounce Renaissance Paintings] Ray…nay…sounce pantines.

Mr. Heffernan: You’re Hailey.

Hagley: Yeah!

Mr. Heffernan: You’re not even sitting in the right desk.

Hagley: Yeah, I know, I was just testing you and you failed! But you’re not failing at getting my privates really sweaty! [Classroom cringes]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, that’s really not appropriate! Now if you’re Hailey, then what were we talking about before you went to the bathroom?

Hagley: Uh…I don’t know, penguins or some junk! Look, I’m gonna go to the bathroom again because I gotta barf! [Winks at camera and farts; exits room]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna call down to the principle’s office and let them know there’s a weirdo wandering around.

Hailey: [Reenters] Hey, I hope I didn’t miss anything! [Winks at camera]

Mr. Heffernan: Actually, a very odd girl came in here pretending to be you.

Hailey: Oh don’t be silly, Mr. Heffernan, that was me. [Winks]

Mr. Heffernan: No…this person was noticeably fatter. And based on her one attempt at classroom participation, she was functionally illiterate.

Hailey: I think you were just looking at me from a different angle. [Winks]

Hagley: [Reenters] Hey, I’m back to learn your stupid class about garbage.[Winks] [Hailey and Hagley look at each other] Oh crap!

Hailey: Uh-oh! Two Haileys! Quick, let’s mix it up so they can’t tell who’s who! [Hailey and Hagley ciircle each other around while old hysteria music plays, until Hagley falls and breaks the teacher’s desk] Watch out! Stupid desk!

Mr. Heffernan: Okay, wait. Are you two trying to pass yourselves off as one student so you only have to do half the work?

Hailey and Hagley: Yes Mr. Heffernan/Hammermash.

Hailey: It’s Heffernan!

Hagley: Hammerman!

Hailey: Heffernan!

Hagley: Whatever! [Farts]

Mr. Heffernan: So you’re obviously the smart twin, and you must be…the athletic twin?

Hailey: No, that’s also me.

Mr. Heffernan: So what does she do?

Hagley: I’m good at crosswords.

Hailey: She means word search, and she’s not good at that either.

Hagley: No, crosswords!

Hailey: Oh right! She’s good at swearing.

Hagley: Ass right I am!

Mr. Heffernan: Has this plan ever worked?

Hailey: No…we just change schools ever day.

Mr. Heffernan: Wait, which one of you is the real Hailey?

Hailey: I guess you’ll never know. [Winks]

Hagley: It’s not me, my name is Hagley! [Winks, makes a longer farting noise this time; Hailey sighs, title screen shows up]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Goodnights

…..Amy Adams

Amy Adams: Thanks to Vampire Weekend! Thanks to Lorne Michaels! Thanks to this amazing cast!! [ the audience cheers ] Oh, thank you, guys! Thanks for showing up!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Fierce: The Hot Mess Makeover Show

Christian Siriano…..Amy Poehler
Stephanie…..Casey Wilson
Tim Gunn…..Bill Hader
Heidi Klum…..Amy Adams

Announcer: Watch what happens when Bravo! brings you the newest makeover show.

Christian: Fierce!

[Christian sighs as he enters the apartment]

Christian: This place, it is like a hot tranny mess up in here!

Stephanie: Oh, well, I tried to clean up.

Announcer: Season 4 Project Runway winner Christian Siriano shows fashion victims the light on Fierce: The Hot Mess Makeover Show.

Christian: This jean jacket is a hot mess, but these stirrup pants are fierce. This turtleneck is tranny fierceness. Tranny!

Stephanie: I don’t…know what that means.

Christian: Fierce, tranny, you better work.

Stephanie: I’m sorry, I…do I look like a transvestite?

Announcer: Watch as the young fashion fiend flat-irons his hair and tells it like it is in his own private language.

Christian: [Going through contestant’s closet] Tranny, tranny, fierce, fierce, fierce, tranny, hot mess, cute, cute tranny, cute tranny, hot mess, tranny tranny…no, fierce, no, hot mess… [phone rings] Hold on, tranny. Hello? Hey tranny! It’s tranny. You’re a hot mess! Well you’re a tranny. Well you’re a hot tranny. Well you’re a hot mess. Well you are too! Bye!

Stephanie! I need to tell you something. You are a tranny who looks like a hot mess, and not in a good way. You’re a tickety tack tranny hot mess out of control super tranny from Transylvania who is not apologizing for it.

Stephanie: Is that good? Or…I’m sorry, I don’t understand a word you’re saying.

Announcer: Look who else stops by! Wise Bravo! elder…

Tim Gunn: That’s a lot of look.

Announcer: …Tim Gunn!

Tim Gunn: This worries me. Don’t bore Nina! Make it work.

Christian: No, YOU make it work, silver tranny ferocia!

Tim Gunn: We’re gonna have to go through your underwear drawer.

Stephanie: I thought you were gonna redo my bedroom.

Christian: Hey look! Look at these tranny panties. [Tim holds his nose] Hot mess.

Announcer: Enjoy everyone’s catchphrases! And check out this fierceness.

Heidi Klum: You’re either in or you’re out.

Announcer: Heidi Klum!

Heidi Klum: I’m sorry, Stephanie, you’re out! Auf Wiedersehen! [Heidi kisses Stephanie on both cheeks]

Stephanie: But I live here.

Heidi Klum: I’m so sorry, you’re out.

Stephanie: But can I come back?

Heidi Klum: No, you cannot come in or out. You’re out, you have to stay out!

Stephanie: I don’t get this show!

Heidi Klum: Oh, obviously.

Christian: Bye, have fun, tranny!

Tim Gunn: Make it work. That worried me.

Heidi Klum: Out!

Announcer: Fierce: The Hot Mess Makeover Show. Like Project Runway, with some of the same people, half the budget and twice the catchphrases. Scratch that–THREE times the catchphrases!

Christian: Fierce!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Couples Therapy

Dr. Helen Winston…..Amy Adams
Brian…..Will Forte
Bagdana…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to exterior, office door: “Dr. Helen Winston — Couples Therapy” ]

[ dissolve to interior, office, Dr. Helen Winston beginning her counseling session with ?? ]

Dr. Helen Winston: I know this is your first time in Couples Therapy, and that it seems like a scary journey… but the good news is the love is there. And you’ve already taken the hardest step, by coming here.

Brian: [ smiling ] Well, thanks, Doctor… I-I-I feel better already! I-I guess, uh, the main problem is communication. Uh, I feel like we — we listen to each other, but we don’t always hear each other?

Dr. Helen Winston: Mmm… How do you feel, Bagdana?

Bagdana: I am citizen. You — you cannot take away! Citizen, now! [ reaches over ] Documents — documents in bag! [ opens bag, pulls out documents ] Real marriage!

Dr. Helen Winston: Hmmmm… [ she nods ] I think Bagdana makes a very interesting point — [ making quote-signs with her fingers ] “Real marriage” isn’t always the picture-perfect fairy tale people make it out to be. Would you agree with that, Brian?

Brian: Definitely!

Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?

Bagdana: [ clutching her documents ] Uh — it’s real — it’s real marriage! This is real! Real marriage!

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. I understand that you’ve been having some… intimacy issues?

Brian: Yes. Our, uh — wedding night was spectacular. But, uh, ever since we’ve started living together, uh — Bagdana and I haven’t actually been intimate at all.

Bagdana: [ shaking her head ] No! I gave the sex! On wedding night! [ opens her documents and scampers through the papers ] Proof of intercourse, uh, documents and photos… yes! [ she holds this proof up ] It’s legitimate marriage! Bagdana never return to village — no more plow… no more pig! Bagdana free now!

Dr. Helen Winston: You know what? I think I’m sensing some boundary issues here.

Brian: Yeah! Well, you know… all I-I’m really asking is for her to open up a little more.

Dr. Helen Winston: [ taps her pen on her nose ] Ding, ding, ding, ding! Good, Brian — we’ve identified one of your needs. Now, Bagdana, why don’t you talk about some of your needs? Needs that, maybe, aren’t being met.

Bagdana: Uh — uh — I need husband to sign K-3 form… [ holds up the form in front of Brian ] Petition for alien wife. Sign top… initial bottom… submit by certified letter by May 16th.

Brian: Okay…

Bagdana: Yes. [ shoves form to Dr. Helen Winston ] You! You — you — you the witness! You witness — you sign bottom — certifiy marriage — use black pen, press very hard!

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay, Bagdana… is it the documents you want him to pay attention to, or… is it your feelings?

Bagdana: [ considers the question for a moment ] Documents. You sign documents — today! I gave the sex.

Dr. Helen Winston: Ahhh! Aha! We’re getting somewhere! This is about TRUST — it’s about validation. Okay! Now, we’re gonna try a fun little role-playing exercise. Bagdana, I want you to play Brian… and, Brian, I want you to play Bagdana. Go!

Brian: [ thinking ] Uh — “Brian?” Uh — “You are the man of my dreams,” um — “You complete me.”

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. Bagdana, your turn. And, remember, you’re playing Brian.

Bagdana: [ blinking incoherently for a moment ] “My name Brian.” [ she blinks ] “I am to busy to sign document today. Leave document on table. Me already American, me take for granted.” [ points ] “Oh, look — there is McDonald’s. We stop — McDonald’s. Never enough of the McDonald’s. My butt is so fat! Is disgusting!” [ she spits on Brian’s shoe ] “I am Brian.”

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay! That was valuable, Bagdana. Thank you for sharing that.

[ Bagdana just stares blankly across the room ]

Dr. Helen Winston: You know what’s especially helpful? To go back to the beginning, when the love started. Brian, I want you to tell me about that special day.

Brian: [ misty-eyed ] Oh, I will never forget it. I was at, uh — South Street Seaport… walking along the docks… when this beautiful angel popped out of the hole of a Bulgarian fishing boat. [ glances lovingly at Bagdana ] Uh — she had this nervous expression on her face, and she kept looking over her shoulder. Uh — as soon as she saw me, she just GRABBED me! And I asked her what her name was, she asked me if I was an American citizen… the next thing I knew, we were married!

Dr. Helen Winston: That’s a beautful story. But we’re out of time. Before you go home, I — I want you to look in each other’s eyes and say something positive — it could be anything, as long as it’s from the heart.

[ Brian looks deep into Bagdana’s eyes ]

Brian: I love you, Bagdana. You are my life.

[ Dr. Helen Winston smiles, and nods for Bagdana to return the volley ]

Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?

Bagdana: [ blinking ] Uh — you sign for… I give one more sex.

[ Brian smiles, then leans over to kiss Bagdana’s cheek ]

[ Dr, Helen Winston stands and smiles ]

Dr. Helen Winston: Good work today! And, Bagdana? We’ll get to those, uh, forms some other time.

[ Brian stands him and Bagdana up and pulls her toward the door ]

Bagdana: [ crying out ] No! Wait! Bagdana so close — please! Please sign it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Clinton Attack Ad

Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler

[ open on Hillary Clinton seated behind desk in her office ]

Hillary Clinton: I’m Hillary Clinton… and I approved this unfair — and deceptive — message.

[ dissolve to negative ad ]

Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] This Election Is About Change.

Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] But It’d Also About something Else.

Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] Experience.

[ dissolve to U.S. Senate Building, 3am, as the phone rings ]

Announcer: It’s 3am. Across our country, kids are sound asleep. But, somewhere in the nation’s capitol, a phone is ringing. Your vote will decide… who answers that call.

[ the phone is answered is a darkened bedroom ]

Hillary Clinton’s Voice: Hello?

Operator’s Voice: Senator Clinton? I have President Obama on the line.

Hillary Clinton’s Voice: I’ll take it.

[ reveal photos of Barack Obama using the phone ]

Barack Obama’s Voice: Uh… Hillary? I’m sorry to call this late again, but… I need your help.

[ interchange between the Obama photos and Clinton, dressed in beauty mask, curlers and grannie pajamas, sitting up in bed ]

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, what can I do?

[ SUPER: “Dramatization” ]

Barack Obama’s Voice: The CIA has just confirmed that Iran has created a nuclear device. It looks like the Russians, the North Koreans, and Hugo Chavez has been helping them.

Hillary Clinton: I was afraid of that. When did this start.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Apparently, the day I was sworn in. [ angered ] Those mother[bleep]!! Those [bleep]!! I trusted them! I gave them my complete and total trust! And they [bleep] LIED to me!!

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President —

Barack Obama’s Voice: Oh, my God! I am so [bleep]!! What do I do, Hillary? What do I do?!

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, you can start by getting a hold of yourself.

Barack Obama’s Voice: [ crying ] I ca-an’t!! Don’t you see that I’m in a panic?! A blind, unreasoning, inexperienced PANIC!!

Hillary Clinton: For God’s sake, Mr. President! Man up! Calm down and listen!

Barack Obama’s Voice: Okay…

[ SUPER: “Dramatization” ]

Hillary Clinton: First of all, go to our key allies — the British, the Germans, the French — and show them our Intelligence.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Whoa, hold on — I’m writing this down! “French… show Intelligence…” Uh-huh. Go on.

Hillary Clinton: The Russians will back down. Helping Iran is a clear violation of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

Barack Obama’s Voice: The what Treaty?!

Hillary Clinton: Ask the Secretary of State. He can explain it.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Al Sharpton? Uh… between you, me, and the lamp — not my best appointment.

Hillary Clinton: Well, what’s done is done.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Right. Chalk it up to inexperience.

Hillary Clinton: By the way, Mr. President, you sound a little stressed. [ yelling ] You’re not SMOKING again, are you?!

Barack Obama’s Voice: [ aghast, as he holds a cigarette in his photo ] No, I’m not smoking!

Hillary Clinton: You better not be!

Barack Obama’s Voice: Well, I’m not. Anyway, thanks again. I do apologize for calling so often.

Hillary Clinton: I don’t mind, Mr. President. It’s for the good of the country. Although, if this is going to be a regular thing, I feel as though I should get paid or something. Because it’s, like, you know, every night!

Barack Obama’s Voice: I understand —

Hillary Clinton: Is that it?

Barack Obama’s Voice: One other thing. I think the heat may be off in the White House.

Hillary Clinton: Really? Completely off?

Barack Obama’s Voice: I think so. It’s [bleep]ing freezing in here! What do I do?

Hillary Clinton: [ sighs ] Alright. Go down to the basement, open the panel in front of the furnace —

Barack Obama’s Voice: Hold on — let me get my pen.

Hillary Clinton: Open the panel on the furnace —

Barack Obama’s Voice: Uh-huh.

Hillary Clinton: You’ll see a red button. Hit that once, and wait about 45 seconds. It should come back on.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Once again, I am amazed by the range and depth of your experience. I’d gladly trade ALL of my superficial charm and rock star appeal for even a part of it.

Hillary Clinton: I appreciate that, Mr. President.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Because this job is ha-ard! I had NO idea! I mean, it is a [bleep] ballbuster!

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, would you kindly avoid the profanity? It’s really one of your least attractive traits — that the public doesn’t know about.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Sorry. Hey, before I go — is Bill there?

Hillary Clinton: [ frowning ] It’s 3am. What do you think? Alright… call those allies!

Barack Obama’s Voice: Yeah, yeah. I will. Goodbye.

[ dissolve back to Hillary Clinton seated at her desk ]

Hillary Clinton: What you’ve just seen is a dramatization of a frightening future. A dramatization based on facts. Well… not facts. More of what we call “specious campaign talkin points”. Also, for legal reasons, I should point out there is absolutely no evidence that Senator Obama has ever used profanities, that he has started smoking again, or that he knows any less about home heating than I do. Still, the point is: the future we described doesn’t have to be. If you want a different future — a safe, confident, more experienced future — there is something you can do. You can call or write the offices of the Democratic National Committee, and tell them: “Wait! We’ve changed our minds!” With enough pressure, we can convince party leaders that nominating my opponent would be a huge mistake. So, whether you’re a lifelong Democrat concerned about our party’s chances in November, or a Republican with your own agenda posing as a Democrat — since, as far as we can tell, they have no way of checking — we need you to get to the phone.

[ SUPER: “Call the Democratic National Committee
(202) 555-0111″ ]

Hillary Clinton: It’s not too late. We CAN turn this around. Yes, we can. I actually used that first. It’s true. I did. And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Roger Clemens Presents

Roger Clemens…..Jason Sudeikis
Reporter…..Darrell Hammond
Skip…..Bill Hader
Matt Mulgrew…..Amy Adams
Player…..Kenan Thompson
Maury…..Fred Armisen
Salazar…..Amy Poehler
Timmy…..Andy Samberg
Doctor…..Will Forte

[Segment opens with mock “Masterpiece Theater”-type theme song, and a fancy but modified title caption reading “Roger Clemens Presents.” Clemens appears behind a black background, a la Alfred Hitchcock or Robert Montgomery, and looks kind of nervous as he prepares to narrate his first play.]

Roger Clemens: Good evening. I’m seven-time Cy Young Award Winner Roger Clemens. Recently I’ve been in the news due to a widening federal perjury probe that has both the FBI and the IRS giving me major red-ass. The whole thing has made me so angry, I’ve decided to write a play titled “Guess What, Dingbats; Steroids ARE Good for Baseball.” Yeah, I wrote a play, so shut up! Act one. Let’s do it.

[Claps his hands and walks off-screen signaling the start of the act. Black backgroud opens up to the office of a baseball team manager with portaits of his teams’s best players including Matt Mulgrew. The manager, nicknamed Skip is being interviewed by a sports reporter. The whole scene looks like a cheesy movie set during the “Golden Age” of Baseball]

Reporter: So, uh, how do you feel about the new season, Skip?

Skip: I feel great. We’ve got young pitching, we’ve got a deep bench. We’ve got Mulgrew.

Reporter: What about Matt Mulgrew? Your slugger’s been tied to steroids.

Skip: Ah, don’t worry about Matt Mulgrew.

[Reporter seem reassured. An un named player opens the manager’s door]

Player: Hey, Skip, Mulgrew’s here and I think there’s a problem.

Skip: Is something wrong? He’s not hurt is he?

Player: Uh, no he’s not hurt, but umm…

[Mulgrew himself walks in the office and much to our surprise he has shrunk to the size of a young girl.]

Matt Mulgrew: Good news, Skip. I’m off the juice.

[Fades to black, Clemens shows up]

Roger Clemens: End of act one. I know it’s a short act, but get off my back. It’s my FIRST PLAY! You get it so far? All the big fellas are gonna get scawny and weak… like those stat geeks nobody likes. Act two takes places from where act one left off. Let’s do it, come on.

[Clemens claps his hands and walks off-screen again. Black background lightens up to the same setting]

Skip: Mulgrew, I’d have to say you look scrawny and weak, like those stat geeks everybody hates. Is this gonna affect your performance?

Mulgrew: Nah, don’t worry. I’m still the same POWER-HOUSE!

[Maury, the batting coach walks in the door]

Maury: Hey, Skip.

Matt Mulgrew: Maury, hey!

Maury: Where’d the rest of you go?

Matt Mulgrew: Aw, whaddayou guys so worried about? Gimme da bat.

[Maury hands him the bat which proves to be so heavy for him he falls flat on his face. He get’s right back up, trying to keep his balance. Maury leaves as Skip brings Mulgrew to his desk]

Skip: Look, Mulgrew. I really need power from you this year.

Matt Mulgrew: Mm-hmm.

Skip: Steroid power. If things don’t change, I might have to bench you.

Matt Mulgrew: Well, now that I’m smaller uh, maybe I could play second.

Skip: Yeah, I have Salazar at second.

[Salazar opens the door, and sure enough, he too is now as scrawny as Mulgrew]

Salazar: [in bad hispanic accent] Did somebody call me?

Matt Mulgrew: Yo, Salazar!

[They high-five each other]

[Fades to black, Clemens shows up again]

Roger Clemens: End, SCENE! See what’s happening? Thanks to those nerds in Congress, like Henry Waxman, all your heroes are tiny and useless. Act three takes place in a hospital. And it’s a REAL TEAR-JERKER!

[Clemens walks off agaon. Black background fades to hospital setting. A sick “little” kid has an I.V. device and other medical equipment He lays there, coughing and wretching. Violin music plays in the background.]

Timmy: Mulgrew!

Matt Mulgrew: Hey, Timmy. Did you see the game today?

Timmy: No. Did you hit a home run for me like your promised?

Matt Mulgrew: I can’t hit home runs anymore, but uh, I walked twice and got to second on a throwing error.

[Timmy flatlines. A doctor approaches his bed]

Doctor: He’s gone.

Matt Mulgrew: [wooden] Doc, what happened?

Doctor: This kid died of a broken heart, because baseball sucks now, because of stats geeks no one likes.

Matt Mulgrew: [equally wooden] Nooooooooo!

[Mulgrew bows his head Background fades to black and Clemens shows up again crying this time]

Roger Clemens: The end. You happy now, Congress? You just killed a kid!

Voice: Calm down, Roger.

Roger Clemens: NO YOU CALM DOWN! I DON’T CALM DOWN, YOU CALM DOWN! I’M THE ROCKET!

Voice: This isn’t helping.

Roger Clemens: YOU’RE NOT HELPING! I AM MAD ALL THE TIME!

[fade]

Submitted by: Daniel Dey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 8th, 2008

Amy Adams

Vampire Weekend

None

None
Clinton Attack AdSummary: Hillary Clinton’s (Amy Poehler) latest attack ad gives a glimpse of the future to demonstrate the foibles of President Barack Obama at 3am.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Amy Adams’ MonologueSummary: Amy Adams brings Kristen Wiig onstage to demonstrate via song how alike their appearances are.

Bio: Amy Adams (1974-). Actress; Best Supporting Actress Academy Award nominee for “Junebug” (2005); as the star of “Enchanted” (2007), she performed its Academy Award-nominated song at the 80th annual Academy Awards ceremony.

Transcript

Mirror ImageSummary: Hailey Winters (Amy Adams) and her fat twin sister Hagley (Kristen Wiig) try to pass themselves off as one student when they enroll at a new school.

Transcript

Couples TherapySummary: Newlyweds Brian (Will Forte) and runaway Bagdana (Amy Poehler) are having marital difficulties because he still hasn’t fully signed all of her immigration papers.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Hero (Andy Samberg) sings about cleaning up the city before being repeatedly pummelled by a purse-snatcher (Jason Sudeikis).

Transcript

Fierce: The Hot Mess Make-Over ShowSummary: “Extreme Makeover” contestant Christian Siriano (Amy Poehler) has his own fashion show, and it’s filled with endless catchphrases.

Recurring Characters: Heidi Klum.

Transcript

Vampire Weekend performs “A-Punk”Bio: Indie rock/Afro-pop band; members are: Ezra Koenig, Rostam Batmanglij, Chris Tomson, Chris Baio.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Sen. Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) also seeks the Democratic nomination for the Presidency. Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.

Penelope at Traffic SchoolSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups fellow students while attending traffic school.

Recurring Characters: Penelope.

Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical FacilitySummary: Dr. Uncle Jimmy (Will Forte) half-excels in both barbecue and medical surgery.

Transcript

Roger Clemens PresentsSummary: Roger Clemens (Jason Sudeikis) has written a play that demonstrates the results of not letting baseball players use steroids.

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

The Tookie Styles ShowSummary: Tookie Styles (Kenan Thompson) announces that his early 1980’s cable access show is now on DVD, and it features plenty of clips of political dignitaries dancing to Tookie’s hip-hop beat and nearly getting assassinated.

Vampire Weekend performs “M79”

CelebrationsSummary: A quartet of desperate women (Amy Adams, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Casey Wilson) perform a single dance move in varying speeds in order to impress men at a bar.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

WDHX NewsSummary: Field reporter (Amy Adams) reports live, via tape delay, where her desk anchors (Will Forte, Kristen Wiig) are unable to protect her from jungle creatures about to attack.

Note: This sketch was also cut from last week’s dress rehearsal, but will eventually air on the 2011-12 season premiere with Kristen Wiig assuming the role of the field reporter.

Hotel RoomSummary: Hotel employee (Amy Adams) informs an overnight guest (Jason Sudeikis) of the most opportune time and place to masturbate within the hotel.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

An SNL Digital Short

Young Woman…..Ellen Page
Crazed Psycho…..Andy Samberg
Wolfman…..Will Forte
Dracula…..Jason Sudeikis
Debbie Lieberstein…..Kristen Wiig

Night. A young woman lies asleep in bed.

Suddenly, she jolts up from a bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she’s certain there is no danger.

She enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light

She turns the tap water on in the sink, then pulls the mirrored medicine cabinet open to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. As she closes the medicine cabinet, the reflection of a crazed psycho appears in the mirror behind her.

A sharp music sting sounds

The pyscho has disappeared once the young woman turns around to inspect the bathroom.

Young Woman: [ frightened ] Hello?

She catches her breath, then lowers her head toward the sink so she can rinse her face with the fresh tap water

She raises her head to reveal the crazed psycho standing once again behind her reflection in the mirror

Music sting

The young woman turns around again to look, but no one is there. She returns her gaze to the mirror, but hers is the only reflection within it. She rubs her eyes. As she does, the psycho rises behind her in the mirror’s reflection.

Music sting

She turns around again, but there’s no one behind her. She returns her gaze to the mirror, and there waits the crazed psycho.

Music sting, as she screams

Her gaze returns to the mirror. Music sting — there he is.

She spins around. Music sting — the psycho is revealed holding a Mai Tai in one hand before disappearing.

She spins around. Music sting — the psycho is revealed holding a huge lollipop in one hand before disappearing.

She spins around. Music sting — the psycho is revealed lifting two-pound hand weights in each hand before disappearing.

She screams and gasps. She returns her gaze to the mirror; the psyxho is gone. She breathes a sigh of relief, then checks the reflection again. Still no psycho.

She turns around and the psycho is now standing directly behind her in the bathroom.

Music sting.

Back in bed, the young woman jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she’s certain there is no danger.

She re-enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light. The psycho is sitting in the dark, on the toilet, reading a newpaper. He’s embarrassed by her sudden intrusion.

Crazed Psycho: Oh, God! someone’s in here… someone’s in here!

In his own bed, the crazed psycho jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, screaming. He breathes heavily until he’s certain there is no danger.

He enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light

He turns the tap water on in the sink, then pulls the mirrored medicine cabinet open to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. As he closes the medicine cabinet, the reflection of the young woman, smiling, appears in the mirror behind him.

Music sting, as he screams.

Back in bed, together, the young woman and the crazed psycho jolt up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily and looking at one another with slight trepidation. They cautiously move their fingers to touch one another, to make sure the other is real.

Music sting as their fingers touch, and a werewolf rises from the sheets betweem them. They both scream, and the werewolf suddenly disappears.

In his bed, Dracula jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat. He breathes heavily until he’s certain there is no danger. Another music sting, as Debbie Lieberstein jolts up in bed next to him, breathing heavily.

Dracula: Are you okay?

Debbie Lieberstein: I just remembered my Mom’s birthday is tomorrow, and I forgot to get her something.

Dracula: Oh… oh, whoa, whoa, baby, we’ll think of something…

Debbie Lieberstein: [ she sighs ] You promise?

Dracula: Yeah. I promise.

Debbie Lieberstein: I love you, Dracula.

Dracula: [ he chuckles ] Oh, I love you, Debbie Lieberstein!

Back in bed, the young woman jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she’s certain there is no danger.

Music sting, as the crazed psycho rises from the side of the bed and they scream simultaneously.

Fade.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

Shopping with Virginiaca

Virginiaca…..Kenan Thompson
Young Salesman…..Andy Samberg
Stepdaughter…..Ellen Page

Announcer: And now, Shopping With Virginica!

Virginiaca: [enters the Baby Gap] Oh, ooh! Oh, whoo, oh, I made it! Oh, my goodness, I am winded. How come Baby Gap gotta be on the second floor? Babies can’t be crawlin’ all the way up in here! They got little baby hands and feet! [eats some cake out of her purse] Ooh, this cake is good.

Young Salesman: [comes up to her] Hello there. May I help you?

Virginiaca: [flirting] That depends, can you lift me up over your head?

Young Salesman: I doubt it.

Virginiaca: Well, how ’bout just my bottom half?

Young Salesman: Uh, are you interested in some baby clothes?

Virginiaca: That depends, do you wanna see me in some baby clothes?

Young Salesman: Ma’am, I’m only 18.

Virginiaca: Inches?

Young Salesman: OK. If you need me, I’ll be nowhere. [leaves]

Virginiaca: I don’t understand that! Oh, where is this girl? [into her walkie-talkie cell phone] Girl, you are gettin’ on my one big nerve! Where is you?!

Stepdaughter: [enters] Dang, Mama, I was at the Proactiv booth gettin’ some free samples! [her shirt is full of small samples]

Virginiaca: Well, all right then! [opens purse] Dump ’em in here! Don’t tell Vanessa Williams, though.

Stepdaughter: [putting samples into her purse] What Vanessa Williams don’t know won’t hurt her!

Virginiaca: I don’t wanna hear your foolishness! OK, we gotta get you some outfits for spring break.

Stepdaughter: Just make sure that it’s tight-and-right! [does a little dance move]

Virginiaca: You are so nasty. You are so nasty. Oh, girl, check this out, look at this here! Mmm! [picks up a tiny pair of pants] Woop woop woop! [the stepdaughter does a dance] Booty-shorts alarm! Booty-shorts alarm!

Stepdaughter: All right, how much is this? [holds the pants up towards the salesman] How much this? [he doesn’t reply] I’m sayin’ how much these booty-shorts?!

Young Salesman: Those aren’t booty shorts, they’re baby pants.

Virginiaca: Mm-hmm.

Stepdaughter: You tellin’ me I can’t be tryin’ these on?

Young Salesman: They’re not gonna fit.

Stepdaughter: Mama, I think he’s tryin’ to seminate that I’m fat or somethin’!

Virginiaca: Why you callin’ her fat? Where are your scruples?

Young Salesman: OK, these are clothes for babies. Are you guys planning on buying something for a baby?

Virginiaca: Yes we are, this is my step-baby right here. We can buy this whole store if we wanted to! Maybe you know my husband, Mr. Cedric Earlsworth Hastings, of Hastings Aluminum Tubing? Mm-hmm! [shows her big diamond ring] Ta-dow! And my name is Virginiaca.

Stepdaughter: Lucky for you he’s not up in here with me and my stepmoms, he’s havin’ IBS somethin’ turrible.

Virginiaca: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I used up two giant cans of Oust this mornin’ and I was like “I got to get ‘Oust’ of here!”

Stepdaughter: Just tell me where I be tryin’ these shorts on!

Young Salesman: Ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t have you stretching out the merchandise.

Stepdaughter: For srs?! Mama, he won’t let me be tryin’ these shorts on, so how I can tell if I can do my booty back-and-forth?!

Virginiaca: [deep, scary man-voice] Why can’t my baby do her booty back-and-forth?

Young Salesman: I don’t even know what that is.

Virginiaca: Well, watch and learn! [they go to a table and stand on either side and do the booty-dance] Slide the booty back, push your booty forth. Booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, [the salesman looks bewildered] booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, shake it with a fork! [they both celebrate]

Stepdaughter: I just brought this whole situation up to a higher level!

Virginiaca: [eats some chips out of her purse] Mm-hmm, baby, you sure did, mm-hmm.

Stepdaughter: Oh, Mama, those corn chips are full of trans-fats!

Virginiaca: Hush up, girl! I’m gettin’ my Niacen. [appears to lose something in her purse, but leaves it] Now how ’bout we try on some shorts!

Young Salesman: I can’t let you do that.

Virginiaca: Oh, OK, you know what? Baby girl, why don’t you go up to the Chick-Fil-A and get Mama some nuggrets?

Stepdaughter: Where’s the Chick-Fil-A!

Virginiaca: It’s off the esqualator!!

Stepdaughter: [exiting] DANG, MAMA!

Virginiaca: [does a little dance up to the counter] Uh, well, excuse me, have you ever been to D.C.?

Young Salesman: Washington?

Virginiaca: No. [leans down so that her boobs are on the counter, and points to each one] D and C. Yeah, I’m pleasingly lopsided.

Young Salesman: Oh, no thank you.

Virginiaca: OK, well, how ’bout this: [pushes clothes off table, climbs onto it and kneels on all fours with her butt towards his face] You see this position I’m in right now?

Young Salesman: Yes.

Virginiaca: Imagine it wigglin’ and nekkid.

Young Salesman: And I quit! [exits]

Virginiaca: [shakes it] Booty back-and-forth! Booty back-and-forth! [scene ends]

Submitted by: Rose

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

The Continuing Adventures of Peter Pan
Captain Hook…..Bill Hader
Smee…..Will Forte
Peter Pan…..Ellen Page
Tinkerbell…..Amy Poehler
Redbeard…..Fred Armisen
Pirate #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Pirate #2…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on book entitled “The Continuing Adventures of Peter Pan” ]

Narrator: And now, the continuing adventures of Peter Pan. [ turns page ] Chapter 26: Hook’s Revenge. After years of humiliation at the hands of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, a frustrated Captain Hook summons his pirate crew to discuss a change in strategy.

[ dissolve to Hook’s ship where he has assembled his crew ]

Captain Hook: Okay men, gather around. Guys, right here. So I called this meeting so we could talk about the Peter Pan situation. Last night, he raided our ship with his gang of Lost Boys, and stole three trunks of treasure.

Smee: Well, the Lost Boys are a wily bunch, Captain Hook.

Captain Hook: They’re literally a group of children. They’re 10, 11 years old, tops. Their swords are made out of wood. You’re professional pirates. With guns.

Redbeard: We’ll get ’em next time, huh?

Captain Hook: Well, we better, because they’re making us look ridiculous. Other pirates laugh at us.

[ an alarm sounds ]

Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Captain! Peter Pan’s comin’!

Captain Hook: Okay, this is good! Okay, here’s our chance. Is everyone’s gun loaded?

Pirates: Aye!

Captain Hook: [ in hammy tone ] You’re luck’s run out, Peter Pan!

[ All the pirates move to the side and wait as Peter Pan flies in with the Lost Boys. He lands in the middle of the ship. ]

Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him!

[ Pirates stare in awe as the Lost Boys join Peter and start singing and dancing as a horrified Hook looks on ]

Peter Pan: [ singing ]
“I don’t care for rules. I’d rather laugh and play. Don’t tell me what to do! I won’t do what you say! I’d rather be a boy than a grumpy old man. Hey, Captain Hook! Catch me if you can!”

[ Peter and the Lost Boys steal a bag of treasure and fly away ]

Captain Hook: Why didn’t anybody shoot him?! He was right in front of us! [ goes back to middle of ship ] Why didn’t anybody- [ hears Smee humming ] Stop humming his song! Look, we’re down to our last sack of treasure. What just happened?

Smee: Ah, he got away.

Captain Hook: Hey, Redbeard.

Redbeard: Yes, Captain?

Captain Hook: Hey, I want you to stand right here, okay? [ places him near the middle on two barrels ] Okay, keep your finger on the trigger. If Peter Pan comes back, I want you to shoot him in the head, okay?

Redbeard: Okay, but what if I don’t have a clear shot?

Captain Hook: Look, he always go to the same spot, right? [ goes where Peter had stood ]

Redbeard: Right…

Captain Hook: For his dances.

Redbeard: Right!

Captain Hook: So I want you to stand right here, point blank, [ makes gesture of brains being blown out ] pow! Okay?

Redbeard: Right. Aye-aye, Captain.

Captain Hook: Good.

[ alarm sounds again ]

Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Captain! They’re comin’ back!

Captain Hook: Okay, okay, this is good! This is good! Redbeard, what are you gonna do if Peter Pan gets back here?

Redbeard: Shoot him in the back of the head!

Captain Hook: Great! Here we go, men! [ in hammy tone ] You’re luck’s run out, Peter Pan!

[ Pirates go to the side again as Peter flies in and lands in middle of ship ]

Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him! He’s right there – shoot him!

[ Peter is joined by Lost Boys and they start singing and dancing again as pirates look on in awe ]

Peter Pan: [singing]
“We don’t need guns!”

Lost Boys: “No, we don’t need guns!”

Peter Pan: “And our swords are made of wood!”

Lost Boys: “And our swords our made of wood!”

Peter Pan: “But we’re gonna steal the treasure!”

Lost Boys: “Yes, we’re gonna steal the treasure!”

Peter Pan: “Because our hearts are pure and good!”

Lost Boys: ” ‘Cause our hearts are pure and good!”

[ Peter and the Lost Boys steal another bag of treasure and fly away. As soon as they’re gone, Redbeard finally fires his gun. ]

Captain Hook: [goes back to middle, scratching his chin with his hook ] Okay. Hey guys, guys, um…I’m gonna ask every to grade themselves, okay? Smee, how do you think you did?

Smee: Ah, C minus.

Captain Hook: Redbeard, what about you?

Redbeard: I’m gonna say B plus.

Captain Hook: B plus? Seriously?

Redbeard: Nobody knew he was going to steal the treasure. We had no idea!

Captain Hook: Oh, good point. Except we did know, because he sang about it!

Smee: Which part?

Captain Hook: The part where he sang, “We’re going to steal the treasure.”

Smee: Oh yeah! That was my favorite part. [ other pirates agree ]

Captain Hook: [ frustrated ] People, people! We’re pirates, okay?! Murderers? Is everybody clear on that?

Pirates: Aye-aye!

Captain Hook: Okay then, no more mistakes. [ in rushed tone ] You’re luck’s run out, blahbladedeblah.

[ alarm sounds again as Hook runs to the side of the ship ]

Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Oh, they’re comin’! They’re comin’ back!

Captain Hook: Come on, guys, let’s go! Here we go!

[ Peter flies in again to the middle of the ship, this time with Tinkerbell ]

Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him! You got a clear shot – shoot him!

Peter Pan: [ singing ]
“Hey there, Tinkerbell. What do ya say?”

Captain Hook: Shoot him!

Tinkerbell: [ singing ] “Peter, you’re my hero in every way!”

Captain Hook: Shoot him!!

[ As Peter starts dancing, the other pirates join him. ]

Peter Pan: [ singing ] “We don’t need guns!”

Pirates: “No, we don’t need guns!”

Captain Hook: [ spoken ] What are you doing dancing?!

Peter Pan: “And I’d rather laugh and play!”

Pirates: ” ‘Cause he’d rather laugh and play!”

Captain Hook: [ spoken ] Shoot him! [ steps down towards the middle ] Pardon me, guys. I guess I gotta do everything around here. Hold on. [ hits Tinkerbell to the floor and repeatedly stomps on her ]

Tinkerbell: Oww! Ow, ow, ow, ow, owww!

Pirates: Hey!

Peter Pan: Good heavens! You’ve killed Tinkerbell!

Captain Hook: Yes, yes. See guys? It’s not that hard.

Peter Pan: Unless…

Smee: [ determined ] What is it, Peter Pan? Is there something we can do?

Peter Pan: Well, maybe if enough Peter clap their hands to show that they believe in fairies…

Captain Hook: [ annoyed ] Aw, give me a break!

Peter Pan: …Well maybe, just maybe, Tinkerbell will come on back to life! Come on everyone! Yeah! [ everyone claps except for Hook ] Tinkerbell! [ Tinkerbell comes back to life and Peter and pirates celebrate ]

Captain Hook: [ mocks ] Yay! [ gives up ] I’m out! I’m out!

Peter Pan: Yeah! Tinkerbell! Yeah! [ starts singing ] “We don’t need guns!”

Pirates: “No, we don’t need guns!”

Peter Pan: “And we’d rather laugh and play!”

Pirates: “And we’d rather laugh and play!”

[ “The End” screen comes up as Peter and pirates dance ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy

SNL Transcripts