Dane Cook: [ manic ] The 2007 Play-offs! It all comes down to — [ points his fingers down ] THIS! Red Sox versus Indians! It’s like the French-Indian War! But, instead of the French, it’s BASEBALL PLAYERS! From Boston: you got Josh Beckett! Curt Schilling! Daisuke Matsuzaka! But, against the Indians, they’re gonna need more than blankets with smallpox! They’re gonna need baseball hits! Just ask C.C. Sabathia! This C.C.’s not a Music Factory — he’s the PITCHING FACTORY!! Adn the only reservation these Indians care about.. is a reservation.. for the World Series! Ther’s only ONE Play-offs! They’re only ONE October! And there’s only ONE logical spokesman for baseball: DANE COOK! [ gives the Super-Finger ]
[ cut to graphic: “Postseason ’07. There’s only one October. actober.com” ]
[ open on exterior, Amy Poehler’s house. Screen reads: “Amy Poehler’s House, Burlington, MA, 1986.” This sketch is performed with a heavy Boston accent. ]
Amy Poehler: “Dear diary. Mark it down: October 13, 1986 is officially the worst day of my life! Everything is wicked bad and it sucks. School’s a nightmare.” [Amy uses hairspray for several seconds] “Today, I got my period on the balance beam, and nobody told me and everybody saw. Now everybody’s calling me Lamey Poehler. And my mom found my beer in the laundry hamper, and now she won’t let me go to Worcester Center to see Bon Jovi with opening act Cinderella! Now my dream of Jon Bon Jovi seeing me in the crowd and taking me away from this miserable life is ruined! I gotta get my hair higher!”
[Amy uses two cans of hairspray; she uses so much that she passes out, then sees Jon Bon Jovi, dressed in ’80s leather with his trademark long hair, come to life from her poster; the audience applauds uproariously]
Jon Bon Jovi: Amy…Amy…
Amy Poehler: Oh my god, are you freaking serious?! Jon Bon Jovi just came out of my poster! Oh my god, what are you doing here? You have a show tonight! [Jon hugs Amy]
Jon Bon Jovi: Don’t worry, that can wait. You’re upset!
Amy Poehler: No one understands me! I’m afraid my life is gonna suck, even when I’m wicked old, like 30! Don’t even get me started on boys.
Jon Bon Jovi: Ah, boys can be tricky…
Amy Poehler: Yeah, tell me about it. I made out with Kevin Parker, then he told everybody that I smell like Doritos.
Jon Bon Jovi: Look, I’m here to tell you that everything is going to be okay.
Amy Poehler: That’s easy for you to say…you’re Jon Bon Jovi!
Jon Bon Jovi: Hey, growing up was hard for me too! [Amy kisses his hand] Let me tell you a story about Jon Francis Bon Jovi Jr. He wore orthopedic shoes and played the French horn. He was another fat kid who couldn’t stop eating hogies, so everybody in the neighborhood called him Johnny Meatballs. Everything sucked for him too until he threw down that French horn and picked up his guitar. You gotta follow your heart! You gotta find that dream. You have any big dreams, Amy?
Amy Poehler: Yeah. I got some pretty big dreams. I don’t wanna just shop at the Limited, I wanna work at the Limited! And at night, I wanna have people over for beers at my apartment that I rent.
Jon Bon Jovi: Okay! But what do you really love to do?
Amy Poehler: Well, I kinda like acting. I did a monologue at the 8th grade recital and it got a lot of laughs.
Jon Bon Jovi: That’s good!
Amy Poehler: …it was from The Diary of Anne Frank.
Jon Bon Jovi: Amy, have a seat. Now listen closely because I got something for you. 20 years from now, you’re gonna be a castmember on Saturday Night Live, and I’m gonna be the host! Does that blow your mind or what?
Amy Poehler: Wait, you’re gonna be the host?
Jon Bon Jovi: Yeah!
Amy Poehler: Oh…no…okay…that makes sense.
Jon Bon Jovi: Amy, don’t worry. Your future? It rocks.
Amy Poehler: In the future, is Bon Jovi still around?
Jon Bon Jovi: [Looks at camera and grins] Yes Amy, in the future, Bon Jovi is still around. [Audience applauds]
Amy Poehler: Oh my god!
Jon Bon Jovi: Listen, Amy, I gotta go, I have a gig to go to.
Amy Poehler: Wait! Jon Bon Jovi! In the future, am I ever gonna get boobs!
Jon Bon Jovi: …you just keep working on that personality.
Amy Poehler: Okay, but and then boobs?
Jon Bon Jovi: You’re gonna have a great set of personality.
Amy Poehler: Wait! Before you go back into the poster, when will I see you again?
Jon Bon Jovi: I’ll see you October 13, 2007. I’ll look the same, but my hair’s gonna be cut.
Amy Poehler: Wait! Your hair’s gorgeous! Let me take a picture to tell everybody–[Jon goes back into poster] Oh my god! Dear diary! I have a new dream! One day, I’m gonna look in a camera, and I’m gonna scream: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 33: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 13th, 2007 Jon Bon Jovi Foo Fighters None Richie Sambora Jack Nicholson Liz Cackowski Steve Higgins Amy Poehler’s HouseSummary: In 1986, Jon Bon Jovi jumps out of a poster to offer words of condolence to a teenaged Amy Poehler. Transcript
Montage
Jon Bon Jovi’s MonologueSummary: Audience members (Liz Cackowski, Srteve Higgins) are less-than-enthused that Jon Bon Jovi is hosting the show and not performing his music, but Richie Sambora manages to coax him into performing “Lost Highway” with their band. Bio: Jon Bon Jovi (1962-). Musician; lead singer and founder of hard rock band Bon Jovi since 1983; founded Arena Football League team Philadelphia Soul with Richie Sambora in 2004. Bio: Richie Sambora (1959-). Musician; lead guitarist of Bon Jovi since 1983; married to actress Heather Locklear, 1994-2007. Note: Jon Bon Jovi has to assist Richie Sambora with his line when he can’t make out the words on the cue card. Transcript
Ohhhhh!Summary: The game show by guys from New Jersey for guys from New Jersey.
A Visit with Former Vice-President Al GoreSummary: Recent Nobel Prize recipient Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) shows off the many other awards and trophies he has won recently. Recurring Characters: Al Gore.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg is the master of comic violence in “People Getting Punched Just Before Eating.” Transcript
Postseason ’07Summary: Dane Cook (Jason Sudeikis) is the unlikely spokesman for Major League Baseball. Transcript
La Revista Della TelevisioneSummary: Fast-talking Italian talk show host Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews Jon Bon Jovi. Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Anticipating a potential writer’s strike, NBC employee Rosa Santiago (Maya Rudolph) practices a few news jokes. Josh Drimmer (Andy Samberg), the naked guy from Times Square, wanders onto the Weekend Update set. Political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) scours for jokes in newspaper headlines.
Foo Fighters perform “The Pretender”First Performed: 95g.
Where’s My Purse?Summary: In outer space, Captain Wallace (Kristen Wiig) is ready to sacrifice mission when her purse up and disappears. Transcript
Postseason ’07 IISummary: Dane Cook (Jason Sudeikis) is still the unlikely spokesman for Major League Baseball. Transcript
Notre Dame Football on NBCNote: This ad parody was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes.
What To Call The BandSummary: In Sayreville, New Jersey, 1984, Jon Bon Jovi is relentless with his suggestion that the band should name themselves after him instead of going with something unique like “Natural Disaster.”
IconoclastsSummary: Two great minds — Björk (Kristen Wiig) and Charles Barkeley (Kenan Thompson) — spend an afternoon together at the Cheesecake Factory. Recurring Characters: Björk. Transcript
Goodnights / Bon Jovi performs “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?”First Performed: 92j. Transcript
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Desk PhotosSummary: While making deliveries, UPS drivers (Kenan Thompson, Jon Bon Jovi) make comments about the framed photos on the desk of office workers.
Maybelline For Men OnlySummary: There’s no need to question the authenticity of the product, because it says it’s “For Men Only” right there on the box. Note: This ad parody will air on the episode hosted by Brian Williams.
BlackwaterSummary: A talk show for military officers.
Go AheadSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) makes distracting hand gestures as another man (Jon Bon Jovi) comes to him for help.
Baseball PromoSummary: George Carlin (Fred Armisen) discusses the intials of various baseball teams. Recurring Characters: George Carlin.
[Opens with a pregnant lady and her husband watching an ultrasound with the doctor explaining what’s on screen.]
Ob/Gyn: And this here. That’s your baby’s head.
Expectant Mom: Wow. [smiles]
Ob/Gyn: Here’s his nose.
Expectant Dad: [frustrated] If you say so.
Expectant Mom: Honey, what’s wrong?
Expectant Dad: What’s wrong? This picture quality is terrible.
[A man in a suit walks in the frame]
Veritas Representative: Ultrasound.[sighs, rolls eyes] For years expectant fathers have been forced to fake interest in crude, low quality, grainy images of their unborn children. Well, not any longer. Thanks to the Veritas Ultrasound HD.
[Expectant dad is in front of a 50 inch HD TV monitor in which he can see live in color the unborn fetus in every detail. He whistles in admiration]
Veritas Representative: We live in a High Definition world. If you could see an NFL’s lineman’s breath in a January playoff game, you shouldn’t have to ask a doctor where your baby’s eyes are.
[Expectant mom and dad sit on a living room couch]
Expectant Dad: I’m excited about being a dad. But also a little nervous. That last thing I need to worry about is the low quality of the ultrasound image. That’s why we made sure our Ob/Gyn had the new Veritas Ultrasound HD monitor.
Expectant Mom: [uneasy] We also made sure he was a good doctor.
Veritas Representative: With 1080p display resolution and a flat panel liquid crystal screen you’ll be saying goodbye to blurry shapes and fuzzy lines. With Veritas you’re not gonna need some doctor to tell you if its a boy or a girl.
[Expectant dad points to the fetus groin on the HD screen]
Expectant Dad: Now, that’s a penis!
Veritas Representative: The Ultrasound HD is the only ultrasound with picture-in-picture option.
[Expectant dad and the Ob/Gyn are enjoying an action movie on the big HD screen while the expectant mom watches the tiny picture-in-picture image of the baby]
Expectant Dad: Whoa! That comes in handy when you want to watch a movie in the doctor’s office.
Expectant Mom: [angry] You don’t watch a movie in the doctor’s office.[she takes the TV remote and changes the fetus image for the big HD screen and the action movie to the tiny-picture-in-picture]
Ob/Gyn: Hey.
Expectant Dad: [looking at the picture-in-picture option] Oh, here we go.
Veritas Representative: And as the official ultrasound of the NFL Veritas offers the future fan option which shows you what your unborn child looks like in the helmet of your favorite team.
[The big HD screen shows the fetus wearing a football helmet. The NFL logo is at the bottom right of the screen]
Expectant Dad: Now that’s something to celebrate!
Expectant Mom: I’m just happy the baby’s healthy.
Expectant Dad: That too.
[Big HD screen shows an explosion from the action flick]
Expectant Dad: Who said having a baby couldn’t be exciting?!
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.
Barack Obama’s Campaign announced last Monday that they raised $20 million in the last three months. Even more amazing, he did it all with a kissing booth.
According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife’s presidential campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they’d be comfortable with him as a first husband. While 21% of women said they’d be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband.
Seth Meyers: President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded children’s health insurance. Explained President Bush, “I hate kids.” [Audience applauds]
In a preview of a 2008 election battle over stem cell research and global warming, Hilary Clinton on Thursday accused President George H.W. Bush of waging a war on science. Of course, based on previous wars, this would probably just [Fumbles]of…end up creating a war on more scientists. [Laughs] You got it though.
Amy Poehler: Three-time Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones admitted on Friday that she used steroids before the 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney. So let me see, that makes…everyone. Everyone has used steroids.
Seth Meyers: This month, for the first time in 30 years, the Canadian loonie is worth as much as the American dollar. Here to discuss the impact on American jobs is CNN’s Lou Dobbs.
Lou Dobbs: Seth, it’s a pleasure Seth, but I’m afraid I am pretty…I’m afraid I am pretty angry about what’s going on.
Seth Meyers: What’s going on here.
Lou Dobbs: The job of hosting Saturday Night Live was largely the province of American citizens, like Tom Hanks and Johnny Mosley–but not anymore. After Summers spent taking American money by the fistful at the box office, Seth Rogen, the shaggy-haired marijuana enthusiast and Canadian national…he’s at it again! Taking entertainment jobs from otherwise deserving Americans. Course, I should expect no less from your Canadian boss Lorne Michaels, who’s been dragging his buddies over the border for years now. I mean when he hires hosts for your “little show” to put on, is it that hard to go American, Seth? I mean, just off the top of my head…David Brenner, Hal Holbrook, Jill Eikenberry; a legitimate triple threat. Are we so enamored with foreign products that those names aren’t even part of the discussion anymore?
Seth Meyers: No, not for years.
Lou Dobbs: I mean, George Peppard! Why isn’t he on the shortlist anymore?
Seth Meyers: Because he’s dead.
Lou Dobbs: Don’t oversimplify it, Seth. Alright, I’m gonna run some numbers by you. Knocked Up: $142 million domestic, Superbad: $116 million domestic…that’s $258 million out of American wallets going into Canadian pockets where it’s blown on cases of Labatts. I wanna read this quote to you: “When it comes to our broken borders, one always thinks of the fence-jumpers, the Mexicans swimming the Rio Grande to take our meat-packing Jobs. But the Canadians are far more insidious. They can walk among us and no one’s the wiser. The Native Americans had a name for evil hid in plain sight. They called them skin walkers. Well, I call it Seth Rogen…in short, Rogen is an economic Bin Laden.”
Seth Meyers: Whose quote is that?
Lou Dobbs: Well, that is of course excerpted from a red-faced tirade I gave to no one in particular in the bar of Hotel Pierre earlier this evening.
Seth Meyers: Lou Dobbs everyone. Thank you so much. [Applause] He hates us.
Amy Poehler: Anita Hill? Anita vacation!
One of the hottest concert tours in the country now is Miley Cyrus, the star of Hannah Montana. While the least popular? Yoda Minnesota.
Seth Meyers: This week, Senator Larry Craig who initially said he’d resign after being arrested for soliciting sex in an airport bathroom in Mineappolis is now going to stay in office to the end of his term in 2009. This brings us to a segment we like to call “Seth and Amy; Really?!” [Applause, title card shows]
Really, Senator Craig? You got caught having gay sex in a bathroom and you’re going to resume your job? You realize your job is Senator and not lead singer of Wham!? Really?
Amy Poehler: Really?! And really, you know I’m not creeped out that you tried to have gay sex in an airport bathroom, I’m creeped out that you tried to have sex in an airport bathroom. I don’t even like going to the bathroom in an airport bathroom! I mean really!
Seth Meyers: Really! And you oppose gay marriage. What, you think marriage takes the sizzle out of it? I mean really! Or do you think if same sex marriage is legalized, there’d be fewer single gay guys who’d want to have sex in airport bathrooms? Really.
Amy Poehler: Really. In 1989, you pushed for more severe punishment for Barney Frank for his involvement in a gay prostitution scandal. But at least he paid for it! So you’re a Republican who likes dudes but hates capitalism?
Seth Meyers: Really.
Amy Poehler: Really! Huh.
Seth Meyers: And this part is true–you hired the lawyer to defended Michael Vick to clear your name. You know who I would have hired? The lawyer who prosecuted Michael Vick. That guy’s a good lawyer! I mean really.
Amy Poehler: Really. So, in conclusion, you’re gay but you’re a Republican, you’re gonna vote for anti-gay legislation but you’re gonna solicit sex in an airport bathroom. Wow, you do have a wide stance! Really.
Seth Meyers: Really.
Amy Poehler: Wow.
Seth Meyers: Huh.
Announcer: This has been REALLY!?! with Seth & Amy.
Seth Meyers: The Boy Scouts of America said that a painted plastic badge which was made in China is given after tests revealed high levels of lead paint. Even worse, it was the merit badge for eating merit badges.
Amy Poehler: Major League Baseball’s post season started this week, with the New York Mets conspicuously absent despite a lead throughout the season. The Mets face a long and possibly turbulent offseason. Here to comment, Mets manager and general manager, Willie Randolph and Omar Minaya. So gentlemen, the big question on everyone’s mind is what happened? Omar?
Omar Minaya: Yeah…[Omar says no words, other than shrilly stretching out “I…” and “Uh…”]
Amy Poehler: Okay, uh, Willie, knowing what you know now, is there anything you would have done differently?
Willie Randloph: [Willie says “Yeah”, then precedes to speak incoherently while making gestures with his head and shoulders]
Amy Poehler: Omar, anything Willie should have done differently?
[Omar says nothing; he opens his mouth, turns towards Amy and appears as though he’s trying to find the right word to say]
Amy Poehler: Okay, so neither of you have anything to say? [Omar and Willie look at each other and shake their head] So…no message for the fans? No hope for the future?
[The two speak at the same time in the exact same way they did before, saying syllables while trying to find the right words to say]
Amy Poehler: Alright. Willie Randolph and Omar Minaya everybody.
Seth Meyers: A convent in Italy was shut down after three nuns got into a fight. Said God, “Ladies, relax. There’s enough of me to go around.”
The jury in the Iasiah Thomas sexual harassment found the coach guilty Tuesday, and awarded Anika Brown Sanders $11 million. Brown Sanders would have gotten more money, but she’s not a washed-up shooting guard with bad knees.
Amy Poehler: A new study shows that the virtual colonoscopy technique is just as effective as the invasive method. The hard part is getting a computer in your butt.
Ikea has now started selling pre-fabricated houses in England. And believe me, you have never felt so uneasy about having leftover pegs.
Seth Meyers: While the 2008 election is still more than a year off, the campaign is already well underway. Here now with an in-depth look is our former Senior Political Correspondant, Chevy Chase. [Very loud and lengthy applause]
Chevy Chase: [On phone] You’re my son; I love you. You’re going blind? You are doing it right. I gotta go. [Hangs phone up] Good evening, I still am, you’re still not. [Applause] Thank you Bob.
[Reads newssheet upside down] …Oh. In a startling moment during Wednesday’s democratic debate, former Senator Mike Gravel’s head exploded. Then in a chain reaction spreading from one candidate’s lector to the next, John Edwards’ hair parted itself on the opposite side, Barack Obama’s ears flapped uncontrollably, Hilary Clinton shot up in the polls, and Dennis Kucinich simply…vanished, leaving his little blue suit displayed out over the podium.
On Tuesday, Barack Obama posed a plan to eliminate all the nuclear weapons in the world. Noble idea. He also hosts to save the polar ice caps, whales, make love and not war, and to buy the world a Coke.
Let’s take a closer look at the Republican candidates, shall we? [Examines photo of Republican candidates from left to right] Okay then.
As we trail along, we must remember the key states of South Carolina, New Hampshure, Florida and Tennessee.
Former Senator and actor Fred Thompson said Monday that he’d been certain of Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction prior to 2003’s lead invasion. He added…[Falls asleep and snores] During which his subordinates filed out for pigs in a blanket.
While campaigning out in New Hampshure, Rudy Guiliani stated that his cores for his votes are evangelical voters, because he appeals on religious issues. While Mormons can relate to him because he’s had a few wives, Catholics can appeal to him because his son hates him. Rudy finds the idea of abortion morally repugnant, but feels that women should have the right to choose to divorce him.
Meanwhile, Mitt Romney, pulling ever-so-close in the polls, admitted that his name is indeed Rubber Mittens, and he does indeed comb his hair with olive oil and a fork.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign announced last Monday that her campaign raised over $27 million in the last quarter, much of it legally.
Clinton now leads Rudy Guiliani 51% to 43%. This is causing the former mayor to appear in a soundbite with a surgical mask, shoulders covered in dust, saying “What happened? Call the cops! Am I on camera? Is this thing on?”
Earlier, I used the term “pigs in a blanket” while referring to Fred Thompson, and I don’t know what came over me. I apologize. [A photo of Fred Thompson in a blanket appears; Chase imitates a pig oinking] And that’s politics. Back to you Fred!
Amy Poehler: A cell phone service installed in New York subways will tell authorities within feet of where the call was made. Of course, by then, me and my dance crew will be gone! Ya heard?
Seth Meyers: A new children’s book has been published about the life of Pope Benedict, as told by his cat Chico. They have the title down to two options: White Hat Man Give Food or Everyone Popes.
Amy Poehler: And, an asteroid between Mars and Jupiter was named in honor of Star Trek’s George Takei, after it was discovered that the asteroid was super gay.
Mad Joe Dixon….Seth Rogen Abigail Marriweather….Kristen Wiig Delilah….Maya Rudolph
[Opens in a rural area. Late 1800’s. Two young womenin their long dresses, under a tree, buckets of apples]
Abigail:[fanning herself]Oh, sure is a hot afternoonDelilah. It’s as though my skin is made out of paper mache.
Delilah:[fans herself]Oh, but wouldn’t a small sip oflemonade do me some good?
Abigail: Oh, I bet I know who just you’d like tosqueeze those lemons for. Mad Joe Dixon.
Delilah: Oh, Abigail Merriweather! Everyone knows thatMad Joe Dixon is a brute and a man of low character.
Abigail: Oh, Delilah. When Mad Joe Dixon strolled intothis town you sprung up like a spring flower.
Delilah: Oh, Abiga-a-a-ail! Such foolish words from a foolish girl.
[Whistling]
Abigail: I hear someone around the bend. I wonder who it could be?!
Delilah: Well, quick! Pretend to count your apples.
Abigail: Oh, apples.
Delilah: Yeah, apples. We’re counting apples, right here….
[Mad Joe Dixon is a curly haired, bearded fella.Carries a stack of wood logs on his shoulder, lunch pail]
Mad Joe Dixon: Afternoon, Abigail, Delilah.
Delilah:[seductively]Hello, Mad Joe.
Abigail: Oh, I do believe I hear a baby cryingalthough I have no baby of my own I’m sure there’s ayoungster somewhere who could use somenursing…[leaves Mad Joe and Delilah by themselves]
Delilah:[suggestive]That’s quite a lot of wood you got yourself there Mad Joe.
Mad Joe Dixon:That’s quite a bushel of apples,Delilah. Quite a bushel indeed. What are you fixing to do with them?
Delilah: Well, I suppose I take them home and cut themup and make some of my world famous,[seductively] pie.
Mad Joe Dixon: That sounds mighty fine, Delilah. And if I’m in the area I sure would love to eat a warm piece of your pie. I do like pie. You know what else I like, Delilah?
Delilah: Why, I haven’t the faintiest idea.
Mad Joe Dixon: Sometimes on a hot day, I like to takea cold wash cloth and wrap my balls in it. Then, Iremove that cloth, turn on the room fan and just letthat cold air hit those balls like a prizefighterhitting a couple of speed bags. Bum, dada, dum, badda,bum. Cools down my whole body temperature but specifically, my ball area.
Delilah: Well, when you tell me what it is that youlike that wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.
[Mad Joe drops the wooden logs to the ground]
Mad Joe Dixon: Oh, damn it! I’m stupid! I’m just a big, stupid ox.
Delilah:[grabs Mad Joe by his shoulders]No! Expressingyour feelings is never wrong, Mad Joe! You know what Ilike to do? Well, sometimes….sometimes I like to puton my best Sunday dress, sneak down to the quarrywhere all the men folk are working, see if someoneleft a lunch pail with a thermos on it. And I justtake that thermos and unscrew the top and take a poopin there. Then I close it up and give it a good shake,put it back where I found it.
Mad Joe Dixon: There’s also another thing I remembered I liked.
Delilah: Oh, me too! But you go first.
Mad Joe Dixon: On a cold day I like to put a hot washcloth on my balls. That feels good too.
Delilah: Would you believe I was gonna say the exact same thing?!
Mad Joe Dixon: Delilah, you believe in destiny?!
[They hug]
Delilah: I do, Mad Joe!
Mad Joe Dixon: Then kiss me Delilah! Kiss me hard on the mouth!
Delilah: But wait! Just one thing. Why do they call you Mad Joe?
Mad Joe Dixon: It’s short for Joanne. And I’ve been known to kill people.
Delilah: Oh, good. I was afraid it was because you were crazy.
MacGruber…..Will Forte Casey…..Maya Rudolph Caleb…..Seth Rogen
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! His surgeon cut him off, so he flew to South America! MacGruber! Turns out the medical standards are a lot more relaxed down there! MacGruber! He regrets it with every fiber of his being!
[CUT to MacGruber rubbing the side of his face against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a monastery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Monastery.” CUT to a sign marked “Deserted Monastery Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Caleb: [struggling with locked door] Dammit, MacGruber! We’re trapped!
Casey: That bunker buster is set to go off in fifteen seconds! What do we do, MacGruber?
MacGruber: [ his face turned away and hidden from view ] Casey.. hand me that screwdriver.
Casey: [ confused and reluctant, but hands MacGruber the screwdriver ] Here you go, MacGruber.
MacGruber: Caleb.. toss me that paperweight.
Caleb: Okay. [ he grabs the paperweight and tosses it to MacGruber ]
MacGruber: Casey.. hand me that mirror.
Casey: Uh — uh, I — I don’t know, Macgruber..
MacGruber: [ angry ] You want me to diffuse this bomb or not?!
Casey: Yeah, but —
MacGruber: The mirror!!
[ Casey hands MacGruber the mirror. Slow-motion as MacGruber grabs the mirror and moves it closer to his face to examine the results of his plastic surgery. The tension builds with tight shots of Casey and Caleb. ]
[ Suddenly, MacGruber turns to face the camera, with a smile on his tightly pulled back face ]
MacGruber: [ smiling ] Not so bad!
[CUT to the monastery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
MacGruber…..Will Forte Casey…..Maya Rudolph Caleb…..Seth Rogen Keylor…..Kristen Wiig
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! He got some microdermabrasion and a tasteful brow lift! MacGruber! Some collagen injections and a butt-load of hair plugs! MacGruber! He’s never felt better about himself!
[CUT to MacGruber rubbing the side of his face against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a desert tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Desert Tower.” CUT to a sign marked “Desert Tower Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Caleb: [struggling with locked door] I’ve tried everything, MacGruber! It won’t budge! I think it’s sauntered shut!
Casey: From the looks of this pipe bomb, if we don’t move fast, pretty soon our bodies are gonna be sauntered shut, too!
MacGruber: Don’t worry — we WILL get out of here! I have a four o’clock appointment at the Miata dealership, and I do NOT plan on breaking that.
Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
Caleb: What are we gonna do, MacGruber?!
MacGruber: Okay, first — quick introduction. EVeryone, this is Keylor
Keylor: Hi!
MacGruber: I met her at a hookah bar in Marina del Ray — [ whispers ] I’m twenty-five. Just go with it.
Casey: Macgruber! Ten seconds!
MacGruber: [ to Keylor ] Okat, let me, uh, diffuse this bomb here. Check this out. [ to Casey ] Mom! Hand me that bottle cap.
Casey: [ makes a funny face but grabs the bottle cap ] On the way, MacGruber.
MacGruber: [ to Caleb ] Dad! Hand me that band-aid!
Caleb: [ confused, grabs the bad-aid ] Okay.. “son.”
Keylor: [ checking her cell phone] Oh my God! Randy got us tickets to see Dave Matthews in concert!
MacGruber: [ excited ] Oh, that’s tight! That’s so tight! [ to Casey ] Mom? Don’t you think that’s tight! [ Caset stares at MacGruber with her mouth agape ] Dad? Isn’t that tight! [ Caleb stares at MacGruber with his mouth agape ] Come on! You gotta at least think that’s a little tight, huh? No? Oh, well, I guess Keylor and I are that only ones who think that’s —
[CUT to the desert tower exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
MacGruber…..Will Forte Casey…..Maya Rudolph Caleb…..Seth Rogen
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials! MacGruber! He’s getting kind of old now, and that makes him uncomfortable! MacGruber! He might go get some work done!
[CUT to MacGruber performing punching pose against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a series of rolling hills in the desert. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Silver Mine.” CUT to a sign marked “Mine Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Caleb: [struggling with locked door] The mine door’s sealed shut, MacGruber!
Casey: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — once this hydrogen meter reaches Critical, this baby’s gonna blow!
MacGruber: [wearing a bandana over his head] Okay. This is no time to panic. You’re in good hands. I’ve been doing this all my life. For over 44 — excuse me — 37 years — in October — so I’m 36, but I think if you were to ask most people on the street —
Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
MacGruber: Right! Time me, folks! Casey! Hand me that copper wire!
Casey: You got it, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Caleb! That feather!
Caleb: Gotcha, ‘Grubes!
MacGruber: Casey! That cup!
Casey: Right here!
MacGruber: Okay, great! Now if I can just bypass this detonator, I’ll — I’ll — [ his bandana falls off, revealing a balding head ] Ooh! Ooh! Both of you! Behind you! Look behind you! [ Casey and Caleb look behind them ] Is there a thing I need back there?! [ Casey turns back to look at MacGruber ] Just turn around — turn around! [ she turns back ] Just whatever you see, whatever you find, just — just pick them up and give them to me — [ he quickly tries to tie the bandana back over his balding head ] Okay.. okay..
Casey: I find this caulking putty!
Caleb: Here’s a battery!
MacGruber: Okay, okay! [ still struggling with his bandana ] Uhh — you just hang on to those — I think that I have everything that I need over here, thank you.
Casey: TWO seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay! That’s more than enough time for me to tie this bandana back on, and —
[CUT to the mine exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
[Opens on a elegant apartment. Three couples willshare a drink after dinner. They sit on sofas on theliving room]
Jason: I don’t know how you found time to put this dinner together.
Jerry’s wife: When we get back from vacation we eattake-out for at least a week.
Mom: It was no trouble at all. Besides, we missed you guys.
Dad: Hey, speak for yourself.
[Inane laughter]
Mom: The vacation was wonderful. The twins had such agreat time. Oh, there’s a picture of us.[gives pictureto the first couple] Oh, look at the four of us. Itwas taken on that cruise ship.
Dad: Jeremy and Stacia gotten so big you wouldn’t recognize them anymore.
Mom: Yeah, they’re adorable.
[The couple look at the picture and the pull disturbing faces]
Jerry: Oh!
Maya: Oh!
Jerry: Oh, my.
Maya: They grown.
Jerry: Wow.
[They pass the picture]
Fred: Let’s have a look here.
[Disturbed faces from looking at the picture frame]
Fred: Oh.
Jason: Oh man, they’ve gotten so much bigger. Ahh!!!
Fred: Aaahh!!!
[Jeremy and Stacia stand under the door frame. Theyare horrendous kids. Jeremy is outgrowing his clothes,braces that keep him from shutting his mouth and dark,thick glasses. Stacia has greasy hair, braces thatkeep her too from shutting her mouth all the way shut]
Dad: Hey, kids. We were just talking about you.
Stacia: I know. We’ve been behind the couch.
Jeremy: I was behind the couch too!!
Stacia: I said “We”!! Mother, we need to talk to you.
Jeremy: I need to talk to mother too!
Stacia: I said “We”!!
Fred:[dishonest] They are adorable.
[Stacia tells her mom a secret]
Mom: Of course, sweetheart. Go and get them.
Stacia: We’ll be right back.
Jeremy: I’ll be right back too!
Stacia: I said “We”!!
[They leave]
Mom: They kids have a little surprise for us
Dad: They’ve been taking music classes at school…
Mom: Honey, don’t spoil it.
Dad: Ok, ok.
[Drum set hangs from Stacia’s shoulders. Jeremy has atoy radio with a mic on]
Stacia: Mother would you introduce us, please?
[Mom gets up]
Mom: Ok. Everyone, Jeremy and Stacia would like toperform a little music for you–
Jeremy: Mom, you’re in front of ME!!
Mom: Sorry, angel.[sits]
[Stacia plays a sorry drumbeat. Jeremy butchers AmyWinehouse’s hit “Rehab” into the mic]
Jeremy:[off-key]They say I wanna go to rehab….I saidno, no,no. [Horrified faces from the night’s guests]Told me I have to go to rehab….I said no, no,no.[loving nods from mom and dad]
Jerry:[speechless] That was….that just was.
Mom: Ok, thank you kids. Off to bed
Stacia: We’re not tired.
Jeremy: I’m not either!!
Stacia: I said “We”!!
Dad: Your mother’s right. You’ve got school tomorrow.
Jeremy: Whatever!
Stacia: I hate school!
Mom: Oh, don’t say that.
Jeremy: School is for the birds!
Stacia: It’s for kids!!
[They leave]
Fred: They um… they grow up so fast. Don’t they?
Mom: Tell me about it.
Both couples: Aaahh!!Ooohh!!
[Jeremy and Stacia are back]
Dad: What did your mother and I just told you?
[Stacia tells mom a secret]
Mom: Oh, well all right. They want to show you theirnew toy.
Jeremy and Stacia: This is our new toy.[A Transformerrobot]
Jeremy: I’m gonna show you the toy while she dances.
[Jeremy pushes the buttons and Stacia does spasticmoves, dances like an idiot. The robot sounds “boing,brawng, boing, buzz, baong”. The guests can’t believetheir eyes. Loving glaces from the parents]
Jeremy: This is the off button.[sounds stop]
Mom: That was a present from their grandma.
Dad: It’s time for bed for you two and we mean it.
Jeremy: Ok, good night.[Drops Transformer robot to thefloor]
Stacia: Good night.
[They leave again]
Dad: Ok, sorry everyone. Sorry. Adult time now.
Fred: All right.
Jason:[bottle of wine on his hands] Let me crack thiswine open–Aahh!!
[They appear again]
Mom: What did your father just tell you?
Stacia: It’s quick! [Tells mom in secret]
Mom: Aww, ok,ok. The kids have recorded themselvestalking upstairs for 20 minutes and they just want toplay it back for you.
Dad: Oh.
[Jeremy pushes play on an old cassette recorder. Thetape plays.
Stacia: Hello.
Jeremy: Hello.
Stacia: We’re gonna re-enact a scene from HarryPotter.
Jeremy: I play Harry.
Stacia: I’m going to play Harmonie and the professorMagarlord.
Jeremy: Ok.
Dad: Kids, this is–
Jeremy and Stacia: BE QUIET!!!
Jeremy: Listen!! God!!
[tape plays]
Jeremy: Its pretty bad. I’ve got pimples…on myteeth.
Stacia: Why are you making up stuff?
Jeremy: I’m sorry.
Stacia: I wrote a script.
Jeremy: Ok, let me see it.
[Jerry crawls to a window]
Mom: Jerry, Jerry…we’re on a 15th floor.
Jerry: I’m well aware of that.[jumps to his death]
Air Date:
