SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Halloween Party

John Edwards…..Will Forte
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Bill Richardson…..Horatio Sanz
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Chris Dodd…..Bill Hader
Mike Gravel…..Fred Armisen
…..Barack Obama

[ open on exterior, Clinton House ]

[ SUPER: “Clinton House – Chappaqua, New York” ]

[ SUPER: “Halloween 2007” ]

John Edwards V/O: Hillary, thank you so much for throwing this Halloween party.

[ dissolve to interior, Halloween party. Hillary Clinton, dressed as a bride, stands at the punch table with John Edwards, dressed as a hobo. ]

Hillary Clinton: [ giggles ] John Edwards.. I’m so glad you came. I just thought it would be good for all us Democrats to get together after Tuesday’s debate. [ she laughs with uncontrollable glee ]

John Edwards: I agree.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, because, even though things can get heated, come next November, we all haev to support the Democratic nominee — no matter who she may be.

John Edwards: And, may I just say, that is a great witch costume.c[ taken aback ] I’m actually a bride.

John Edwards: Oh, okay! Now I see it! All in how you wear it, I guess.

[ Bill Clinton steps in, dressed as Mystery ]

Bill Clinton: John Edwards, you’d better not be using “The Game” on my wife!

John Edwards: Lookin’ good, Bill! Lookin’ good.

Hillary Clinton: I am sorry, John, could I have a word with my husband?

[ John obliges and steps away ]

Hillary Clinton: Bill? I thought we agreed to dress like bride and groom?

Bill Clinton: Aw, man! Everyone knows we’re married!

Hillary Clinton: [ sighs ] Who are you even supposed to be?

Bill Clinton: I’m Mystery, from that show “The Pick-Up Artist.”

Hillary Clinton: [ disgusted ] Bill Clinton, how is that approporiate?

Bill Clinton: Oh, it’s just a party! Have fun, alright? [ looks off to the side ] Hey, look! If it isn’t Bill Richardson!

Hillary Clinton: Oh.. well.

[ Bill Richardson joins the Clintons at the punch bowl ]

Bill Richardson: Hillary. Bill.

Bill Clinton: Who are you supposed to be, Bill?

Bill Richardson: [ deepens his voice ] I’m Al Gore! [ laughs ] I’ve got the Nobel Prize.. this Oscar..

Hillary Clinton: That’s great, Bill!

Bill Richardson: Yeah! [ chuckles ] I know! Me, dressed as Vice-President. [ laughs ] It’s we-eird! Not that weird, though, right? [ laughs ]

Hillary Clinton: You look great.

Bill Richardson: Yeah. So, hey, uh — can I help out at all?

Hillary Clinton: Actually, we could use some ice.

Bill Richardson: I’m on it! [ he runs off ]

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

Bill Clinton: That man really does want to be your Vice-President.

Hillary Clinton: How come every time someone says something nice to me, you say it’s because they want me to be — they want to be my Vice-President? People are nice to you all the time, do they want to be your Vice-President?

Bill Clinton: People like me.

Hillary Clinton: Bill!

Bill Clinton: [ looks offscreen ] Joe Biden and Chris Dodd!

[ Joe Biden and Chris Dodd enter dressed as twin Spongebob Squarepants’ ]

Joe Biden: Hello!

Chris Dodd: Hello. Thanks for having us.

Bill Richardson: Why weren’t you guys at the debate?

Joe Biden: We were — no, we were.

Chris Dodd: Down at the end.

Hillary Clinton: Oh! [ laughs ] Of course, of course! I’m sorry!

Bill Clinton: So, uh — you guys both dressed like Spongebob?

Joe Biden: Yeah, it’s funny. Can’t thinking if there were only one of us, this costume would make a bigger impression.

Chris Dodd: Yeah, we — really cancel each other out.

[ they stare at one another, without a word to be said ]

Joe Biden: Well, thanks for having us. Great Mystery costume, Bill.

Chris Dodd: [ to Hillary ] And you make a very scary witch. [ he walks away ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, I’m, uh —

Bill Clinton: Uh-oh.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, no.. oh, no.. Mike Gravel’s here. Hi, Mike!

[ Mike Gravel steps up, dressed in a straightjacket ]

Mike Gravel: Uh, hi, Hillary. [ glances down at the crook of his arm ] I brought you some candy!

Hillary Clinton: Ohhh! [ takes the bag of candy ] Oh, thank you. Howe thoughtful — a bag of loose Milk Duds.

Mike Gravel: Yeah. You know — I found it on the bus! I-I guess I got lucky!

Bill Clinton: Great costume, Mike.

Mike Gravel: Oh? Uh.. yeah. It’s a costume. That’s what it is. [ he casually saunters away ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, oh! These aren’t Milk Duds!

Bill Clinton: [ pointing offscreen ] Hey, who’s that little boy making out with that lady?

Hillary Clinton: [ looking ] That’s Dennis Kucinich and his wife.

[ the camera reveals the diminutive Dennis Kucinich kissing an attractive lady ]

Bill Clinton: That is his wife?

Hillary Clinton: Mmm-hmm.

Bill Clinton: [ holds a thumbs-up to Kucinich ] All right! [ Kucinich returns the thumbs-up ] There’s a marriage he won’t regret in thirty years.

Hillary Clinton: [ aghast ] How do you expect me to react when you say that?!

Bill Clinton: [ looks off=screen ] Hey! Great Obama mask!

Hillary Clinton: Yeah!

[ a man wearing a Barack Obama mask steps up ]

Hillary Clinton: Who is that under there?

[ the man removes his mask to reveal that he really is Barack Obama ]

Barack Obama: Hello, Hillary. Hello, Bill.

Bill Clinton: Nice to see you.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, nice to see you, Barack. So, you’re dressed as yourself?

Barack Obama: Well, you know, Hillary, I have nothing to hide. I enjoy being myself. I’m not going to change just because it’s Halloween.

Hillary Clinton: Well, that’s.. [ frowns ] that’s great..

Barack Obama: [ laughs ] And, may I say, you make a lovely bride.

Bill Clinton: She’s a witch!

Hillary Clinton: Bill!! [ Bill shrugs his shoulders ] Please, excuse my husband, Barack. Now, were you saying something?

Barack Obama: Yes. I just wanted to let the American people know that.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Goodnights

…..Brian Williams

Brian Williams: I want to thank my family for getting me here.. NBC for letting me do it. My thanks to Feist, to Senator Obama, and Horatio Sanz. Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 3rd, 2007

Brian Williams

Feist

None

Horatio Sanz

Barack Obama

Al Roker

Matt Lauer

Bono
Halloween PartySummary: Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) throws a Halloween costume party for her fellow contenders for the Democratic nomination, including Barack Obama who comes disguised as himself.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich.

Bio: Barack Obama (1961-). Junior Senator from Illinois since 2005.

Transcript

Montage

Brian Williams’ MonologueSummary: Brian Williams wonders briefly if hosting “SNL” will mar his reputation as a serious news anchor, but decides that all preconceptions will change after tonight.

Bio: Brian Williams (1959-). News anchor; succeeded Tom Brokaw as anchor of “NBC Nightly News” in 2004.

Cameos: 05l, 06a.

Transcript

Maybelline For Men OnlySummary: There’s no need to question the authenticity of the product, because it says it’s “For Men Only” right there on the box.

Note: This ad parody was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes.

Transcript

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with a slow-witted fireman (Brian Williams).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

Note: Brian Williams spent three years during high school as a volunteer firefighter for the Middletown Township Fire Department in New Jersey.

Riley’s WaySummary: During the taping of the final episode of CW’s high school drama, “Riley’s Way”, the actor who plays the principal (Brian Williams) is angered that he hasn’t been invited to appear on the college spin-off series.

Transcript

Publishers Clearing HouseSummary: The winner (Brian Williams) of Publishers Clearing House’s $15 million prize is less-than-enthused about his sudden financial windfall.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “A Day in the Life of Brian Williams” reveals the anchorman standing on the street waiting to be recognized, throwing pennies down at Al Roker and Matt Lauer, and delivering the Nightly News.

Transcript

Feist performs “1234”Bio: Feist (1976-). Canadian singer-songwriter; full name: Leslie Feist.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: NBC executive Roger A. Trivanti (Fred Armisen) comments on the impending Writer’s Guild strike. Weekend Update nanny Barbara Birmingham (Kenan Thompson) comments on the past week’s Halloween festivities.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Birmingham.

Transcript

Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) interviews author J.K. Rowling (Amy Poehler), and views deleted scenes from the “Harry Potter” film series highlighting Dumbaldore’s (Bill Hader) homosexuality.

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

iPhoneSummary: A man (Fred Armisen) highlights the ways in which the new iPhone allows him to get away with having a secret mistress.

Transcript

Democratic Nominees BackstageSummary: Prior to the Democratic Debate at Drexel University, Brian Williams tells the nominees that the media is set on Hillary clinton securing her party’s ticket. Left to themselves, the other nominees struggle to find a way to discredit Hillary’s chances.

Recurring Characters: John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich.

Feist performs “I Feel It All”

Nightly News ThemeSummary: Brian Williams and NBC News executives seek the help of studio group musicians Dunham & Kirk to create a theme song for the Nightly News that will attract a younger demographic.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Willie & JulioSummary: Willie Nelson (Will Forte) and Julio Iglesias (Brian Williams) are truck drivers singing along the road.

Recurring Characters: Willie Nelson, Julio Iglesius.

Mr. ProduceSummary: Mr. Produce (Brian Williams) gives his son (Andy Samberg) a stern talking to for not taking good care of the vegetables while he was making a guest appearance on “Ellen”.

Trick or TreatSummary: A child sex offender (Will Forte) goes trick-or-treating at Brian Williams’ house.

A Message from Dennis KucinichSummary: Dennis Kucinich (Amy Poehler) comments on how his popularity is always considerably higher whenever he’s in the presence of his wife (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Dennis Kucinich.

iPhone IISummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) highlights the ways in which the new iPhone allows him to get away with punching cops in the street.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

La Revista Della Televisione

Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader
…..Jon Bon Jovi
Show’s Director….Fred Armisen
Assistant….Will Forte

Caption: RAI

Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista dellaTelevisione e con Vinny Vedecci.

[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson,Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in hiswhite suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket overhis shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posingwith a lit cigarette and winks at the camera]

[Vinny sits and smokes at his table in his white suit,ashtray filled with smoked cigarettes]

Vinny Vedecci: He, he, he. E noche, conocendo emusicale, carabantore, americano italiano, bicio ecaranbandes! Jon Bon Jovi, hey!

[Bon Jovi shakes hands with Vinny, sits]

Jon Bon Jovi: Nice to meet you. Thank you.

Vinny Vedecci:[laughs]Jon Bon Jovi. Pio so contero,caravanto, carando a sara pondo musicale. Proto popasera acopando. Pisienti?

[Jon is clearly lost and confused]

Jon Bon Jovi: I’m sorry. Was there going to be atranslator here?

Vinny Vedecci:[Vinny laughs at the question]Notranslator. You are Bon Jovi.

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, yes but I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian.

Vinny Vedecci: But you are Bon Jovi.

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, but I was born in America.

Vinny Vedecci: No italiano?[Vinny is mad as hell.Turns to his director]Bisiano, carabin, decanto!

[Show’s director has big mustache, glasses and smokesand eats at the same time a plate of spaghetti, hisassistant just eats his spaghetti]

Show’s Director: Vincenzo! [drops fork on his plate]

Vinny Vedecci: Parla consigo “translator”!

Show’s Director:[resumes eating]Eh, Bon Jovi, huh!

Jon Bon Jovi: You wanna keep going?

Vinny Vedecci: Si, si, si.[slowly]Where in theAmericas are you from, Bon Jovi?

Jon Bon Jovi: I’m from a place called New Jersey.

Vinny Vedecci: Ah, New Jersey! Yes, Sopranos, eh! Bam,bodo, bom, bodo, bom, myself a gun, eh! Careanto, careantore, Sylvio?

Jon Bon Jovi: The Stevie Van Zandt character.

Vinny Vedecci: Yes, yes, yes. Sylvio, Sylvio,Sylvio,[perfect impression of Sylvio from TheSopranos]Hey, Tony. I thought we were gonna have ameeting, Ton. I think we should have a meeting, Ton.

[Applause for Vinny. Vinny smiles big. Even Jon Bon Jovi is impressed]

Jon Bon Jovi: That’s amazing! I like that.

Vinny Vedecci: You remember Paulie Walnuts?

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, of course.

Vinny Vedecci:[to his director]Seriato, seriato Paulie Walnuts.

Show’s Director: Que cosa? Paulie Walnuts, PaulieWalnuts….[another perfect impression] You know whatto do in a time like this Ton? You send a message. Yousend a message and you start a meeting.[Applause]

Vinny Vedecci: Next question. Blaze of Glory.

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, that’s one of my favorite songs.

Vinny Vedecci: Si, si. Very good song. Here it is best known for commercial jingle.

Jon Bon Jovi: A jingle? I didn’t know that.

Vinny Vedecci: Si, si, si. Caraoando, clip, caraandeande.

[Cut to a clip of a cigarette commercial. BlazePopulare cigarettes. Song plays and the kids light uptheir ciggies. They talk and share while enjoying theBlaze Cigarettes. Even a nun lights up and pats thekids on their heads. Song continues “Going down in ablaze of glory , take me down the road of truth…” Cut back to the studio]

Vinny Vedecci: Blaze Cigarette Populare![hold the pack up]

Jon Bon Jovi:[outraged]Are those cigarettes for kids?

Vinny Vedecci: No, no, no. 7, 8 years old. Men.

Jon Bon Jovi: I never gave my song to that company.

Vinny Vedecci: But you are spokesman.[On the otherside of the pack there is Bon Jovi’s smiling face with a cowboy hat on]

Jon Bon Jovi:[more outrage]When did this happen?!

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, next question. Dead or Alive.

Jon Bon Jovi: Yeah, the song Dead or Alive. What about it?

Vinny Vedecci: It’s a song about a robot horse.

Jon Bon Jovi: No, you mean that line “on a steel horse I ride”.

Vinny Vedecci: Yeah, steel horse, a robot horse.

Jon Bon Jovi: No, no,no. Steel horse is a reference toa tour bus. The bus bands ride on.

Vinny Vedecci: Not a robot horse?

Jon Bon Jovi: No.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, bisiando.[Vinny signals to someonebehind Jon to quit it. Its a guy dressed as a roboticmetal horse. Jon looks back at the robot horse as he leaves.

Jon Bon Jovi: You know what? I really gotta go call mylawyer cause I’m pretty upset about that kid’s cigarettes.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, si, si. Blaze![again holds up thepack] Cigarette con divo Bon Jovi!

Jon Bon Jovi: How did this happen?!

Vinny Vedecci: Si, cigarette! [Humming theintroduction to Bon Jovi’s megahit “Living on aprayer”] Uhah, uhah, uhah, uhah, uhah.

Jon Bon Jovi: You don’t really want me to sing now, do you?

Vinny Vedecci: No, no. I will.[Sings the chorus]Oooohhcoristicon lates….[signals the director]

Show’s Director: Oohh! ooh!

Vinny Vedecci:[sings] Sico decolate! Diseco, doriti colate!

Show’s Director: Ooh! ooh!

Vinny and the Director:[sing together]Diso de colate-e-e-es!!

[Applause. Vinny laughs very satisfied]

Jon Bon Jovi: I gotta tell you Vin. You know, I meanmy grandmother spoke Italian around the house when Iwas a kid and I don’t recognize a single word you said all night.

[Vinny freezes along with the director and his assistant for a few seconds]

Vinny Vedecci: That’s all the time tonight. Thanks tomy guest Jon Bon Jovi. I’m Vinny Vedecci. Good night.

[Vinny gets up and dances with robot horse]

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Sandberg
…..Will Forte
…..Dave Grohl
…..Taylor Hawkins
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Jon Bon Jovi

Caption: An SNL Digital Short. People Getting Punched Just Before Eating.

[Techno music beat plays throughout the short]

[A senior citizen with white hair is getting ready fora snack on a park bench. Andy runs in a punches him in the face]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy does a tough guy pose. Jumps up and downcelebrating. Old man touches his jaw and watches himenjoying himself]

[Will Forte is about to have a slice of pizza on acity sidewalk. Goes for a bite and Andy punches him inthe face knocking him down]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy gives a thumbs up and dances wildly]

[Young guy and middle age man talk on a city street.Young guy peels a banana and Andy flies in and puncheshim in the face. Knocks him out]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy celebrates, jumps around, grabs middle age manhands and dances with him overjoyed]

[Foo Fighters singer Dave Grohl is sitting on acafeteria table reading a newspaper. His drummerTaylor Hawkins sits next to him ready to have somelunch. Andy punches Taylor in the face, knocks himout. Dave keeps reading his paper]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy celebrates and leaves. Dave notices some frenchfries on Taylor’s tray. Picks some up and Andy fliesback in and punches him in the face, knocks him out]

Caption: DOUBLE PUNCHED!

[Andy celebrates, makes heavy metal signs with hisfingers]

[Jon Bon Jovi is ready to have a light salad in the TVstudio break room. Andy punches him in the face, knocks him down]

Caption: JOVI PUNCH!

[Jon Bon Jovi gets up playing an electric guitar, points at the camera]

Caption: FULL RECOVERY

[Jason Sudeikis is about to bite into a burger andAndy goes to punch him out. A cell phone interruptsand Jason picks it up. Andy backs off. Jason ends thecall, goes for a bite of his burger and Andy punches him in the face]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy celebrates]

[Guy eating a salad is punched, knocked out]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Guy eating an apple is punched, knocked out]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Guy eating potato chips is punched, knocked out]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Businesswoman eats hot dog is punched, knocked out]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Will Forte goes for another slice of pizza, looks toboth sides careful to not being punched again. He hasa black eye. Andy appears and Will is ready to defendhimself. Andy backs off. Will goes for his slice ofpizza. Andy slowly emerges from behind Will andgarrotte’s him to death. Andy dances around]

Caption: [flashing] MURDER!

[Andy punches guy ready to eat, ko’s him]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy punches guy sitting on a stoop, ko’s him]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy punches black girl eating Chinese, ko’s her]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy punches Fred Armisen while he reads a paper]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy smiles for the camera and holds up a severedarm. Drops the arm horrified. Fred has turned into azombie, he growls]

[Horror music plays]

[The punched out victims have turned into zombies andare moving towards Andy. Andy is scared and runs. Heruns past the Eiffel Tower in Paris, zombies followhim. Runs past the Mount Rushmore Monument, zombies follow in hot pursuit]

[Techno music resumes]

[Andy and the zombies dances in front of a Indianpalace, probably the Taj Mahal]

Caption: ZOMBIE DANCE

[Andy and the zombies dance. 1,2,3,4, 1,2,3,4 1,2,3,4]

Caption: BELIEVE IN YOUR DREAMS

[Andy smiles big for the camera]

[Scene goes to black]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Where’s My Purse?

Computer Voice…..Paula Pell
First Officer Belton…..Will Forte
Captain Wallace…..Kristen Wiig
Crew member 1…..Maya Rudolph
Crew member 2…..Fred Armisen
Blorax…..Jon Bon Jovi
Crew member 3…..Bill Hader
Alien 1…..Kenan Thompson
Alien 2…..Andy Samberg

Computer Voice: Captain’s Deck, stand by.

First Officer Belton: Captain’s Deck standing by.

Computer Voice: First Officer Belton and Captain Wallace, please enter your access codes for coordinates.

First Officer Belton: Ah, Captain Wallace isn’t here right now, I don’t know where she is.

Computer Voice: Can not proceed without Captain’s code. End of transmission.

First Officer Belton: Oh, where is she? [ Captain Wallace comes in ] Captain, where have you been?

Captain Wallace: Um, just, everywhere!

First Officer Belton: Are you OK?

Captain Wallace: No! No I’m not! This is a disaster.

First Officer Belton: Well what’s wrong Captain?

Captain Wallace: I can’t find my purse!

First Officer Belton: Your purse?

Captain Wallace: My purse. I, I had it! And I, I know I had my purse earlier Today cause I paid for my breakfast which I don’t understand why we have to do. And I had it, and I, I don’t think anyone would take it.

First Officer Belton: Oh, I’m sure it will turn up, listen we’re very close to enemy territory we need your access codes to chart a new course

Captain Wallace: Yes, of course

Computer Voice: Please enter access codes. [ they do ]

Captain Wallace: I mean purses don’t just sprout up little purse legs and walk away. That was my favorite purse. I’m upset! Where’s my purse?

First Officer Belton: Maybe you should make an anouncement, you’ll feel better.

Captain Wallace: That’s a good idea! That’s a good idea. [ into intercom ] Attention everyone on the ship.

[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 in another part of the ship ]

Captain Wallace: [ over intercom ] It’s your Captain, Captain Wallace here. Oh my god!

[ crew member 1 & 2 look up concerned – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]

Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] Oh I’ve got some terrible news. I, I have lost my purse.

[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 looking at each other confused – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]

Captain Wallace: And I just, I just, I don’t know where it is. I can’t find it. I had it and now I don’t have it. If anyone has seen it or if they saw me with it earlier, I just, I don’t know. It’s black. This is just, I don’t know, OK, just keep your eyes open. I love you guys. OK?

First Officer Belton: OK Captain we need to focus!

Captain Wallace: Yes.

First Officer Belton: Oh, I think someone is hailing us.

Captain Wallace: I really don’t think I can talk to anyone right now.

First Officer Belton: We are on a spaceship, ok? You’ll find it, there are only so many places it can be!

Captain Wallace: You’re right. Put them on the screen. I’m sorry.

Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] Ha ha ha foolish humans!

First Officer Belton: Oh no it’s Blorax!

Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] Ha ha ha ha yes it is me! And I assume you realise you’ve entered my Blorinian Territory. You know the consequences for violating interstellar law don’t you.

First Officer Belton: [ to Blorax ] It was a mistake, we’ve had some problems with are system and a…. [ to captain Wallace ] Captain?!

Captain Wallace: [ to herself ] So last night did I put it over my shoulder before I put my jacket on? I don’t remember.

First Officer Belton: Captain?!

Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] I take your ambivalence as an invitation for us to seize your ship!

First Officer Belton: Captain, do something!

Captain Wallace: [ to Officer Belton ] I’m sorry! [ to Blorax ] I’m sorry ah, we came where we wern’t sposed to go. Blorax, you are not gonna believe this day that I’ve had,. just ask Officer Belton.

First Officer Belton: She lost her purse.

Captain Wallace: it was black, Blorax, it held everything….

Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] SILENCE! We’ve already boarded your ship. Prepare for destruction. Ha ha ha ha ha….

Crew Member 3: [ runs in ] Captain, aliens have boarded the ship and they… [ alien 1 runs up behind crew member 3 and shoots him ] ah, man! [ dies ]

Alien 1: [ runs over and grabs First Officer Belton ] If you do not hand over your ships control to Blorax bbbbrrrrllll your crew will perish.

First Officer Belton: Captain leave me, save the others!

Captain Wallace: Oh my god!

First Officer Belton: It’s ok! Save yourself!

Captain Wallace: Oh my god! I just remembered where my purse is! Oh my god! That’s right I put it right here on the floor when I put my jacket on! It’s right here! Oh my god! I found my purse! Oh my god! Oh my god! It’s right here!

[ takes out a tiny gun and shoots alien 1 ]

Alien 1: Ow, my face! [ dies ]

First Officer Belton: Oh my god! Captain, you saved me, Ma’am! Quick, we gotta get out of Blorinian Terratory

Captain Wallace: Hold on one second. [ into intercom ] Attention everybody! Oh god, I know things are a little crazy right now, alot of you are fighting and or dieing. I just wanted to let everyone know they can stop looking for my purse. Guess what? I found it!

[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 being strangled by alien 2 – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]

Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] I found my purse! My purse was in here!

First Officer Belton: Captain hurry, we don’t have much time!

Captain Wallace: Oh my god! You are not gonna believe this! I was gonna leave my purse here! The purse I’ve been looking for all day, I was gonna leave without — I’ve gotta tell everybody about this! [ into intercom ] Everybody, you are not gonna believe what just happened. A crazy day just got crazier! My god, this is hilarious!

[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 dead – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]

Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] I almost left my purse again! Can you beleive it? Oh my god, I was getting ready to get in the escape pod and I was gonna leave my purse here! My purse that I was looking for all day! I can’t believe that! It was just sitting right there and I was gonna walk off without it

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Ken Toops

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Jon Bon Jovi’s Monologue

…..Jon Bon Jovi
Female Audience Member…..Liz Cackowski
Male Audience Member…..Steve Higgims
…..Richie Sambora

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Bon Jovi!

Jon Bon Jovi: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back on “Saturday Night Live”! You know, me and the guys have been musical guests here three times before, but, uh — tonight, I’m here as your host. [ audience cheers ] For once, I don’t have to sing for my supper —

Female Audience Member: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Uh — does that mean that you — you won’t be — singing?

Jon Bon Jovi: That’s right, dear. Tonight, I’m just the host. I’m here for the comedy aspect of, uh — you know — the show.

Female Audience Member: Oh. Okay. Well —

Jon Bon Jovi: The Foo Fighters are here.

Female Audience Member: Huh. Well, this should be fun.

Jon Bon Jovi: Look, uh — uh — uh — I’m sorry about the singing part, but tonight it’s just about the acting, you know?

Male Audience Member: Right, right! Because who wants to see Jon Bon Jovi sing? I want to see Jon Bon Jovi act! This’ll be the greatest night of my life! [ grabs the woman seated next to him ] Let’s go. [ he waves to Jon Bon Jovi before leaving ]

Jon Bon Jovi: Why do I always have to sing? Why can’t I, just for once, be the host of “Saturday Night Live”?

Voice: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I got a question!

[ Cut to reveal Richie Sambora, guitar strapped around his body, waving his hand from among the audience. The audience cheers his presence. ]

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes?

Richie Sambora: Don’t we have a new album?

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes. Yes. Any other questions?

Richie Sambora: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.. hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on! [ he stares straight ahead, begins to laugh lightly ] I’ve lost my —

Jon Bon Jovi: Any other questions?

Richie Sambora: Hey, hey, hey, hey! [ still struggling to find his line on the cue card ]

Jon Bon Jovi: [ helping him ] Did I ever consider your feelings?

Richie Sambora: Ah! “Did you ever consider my feelings?” Did you ever consider the band’s feelings?

[ The audience cheers the on-air gaffe, as Sambora laughs along with them ]

Jon Bon Jovi: As a matter of fact, I DID, Richie Sambora! Why don’t we do what we do BEST, right here, right now? Lordy! Help me go to the stage, gentle person!

[ Together, they cross over to the adjacent stage, as the other members of Bon Jovi start up the song “Lost Highway” ]

Bon Jovi: [ singing ]
“In my rearview mirror
My life is getting clearer
The sunset sighs and slowly disappears.
These trinkets once were the treasure
Life changes like the weather
You grow up, grow old, or hit the road ’round here.
So I drive, watching white lines passing by
With my plastic dashboard Jesus, waiting there to greet us.

Hey, hey, I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas, there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway.
I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
Out on this open road
It’s Independence Day on this lost highway.

Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!

I don’t know where I’m going
But I know where I’ve been
And I’m afraid of going back again.
Still I drive, years and miles are flying by
And waiting there to great us
Is my plastic dashboard Jesus.

Hey, hey, I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas, there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway.
I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
Out on this open road
It’s Independence Day on this lost highway.

Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!

Oh, patron saint of lonely souls
Tell this boy which way to go
Guide this car, you got the keys
Farewell to mediocrity.
Kicking off the cruise-control
And turning up the radio
Got just enough religion
And a half-a-tank of gas — come on, let’s go!

I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas, there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway.
I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
Out on this open road
It’s Independence Day on this lost highway.

Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!

On this lost highway.”

Jon Bon Jovi: Alright, we’ve got a great show! Foo Fighters are here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Iconoclasts

Charles Barkeley….Kenan Thompson
Björk….Kristen Wiig
Announcer: Amy Poehler

Caption: Sundance Channel Original

Announcer: Up next on the Sundance Channel.

[Montage of famous people’s faces. Maya Angelou, hotdog eating champ Kobayashi, tennis pro Federer, one ofthe Golden Girls, The Pope, Dennis Miller]

Announcer: Music, art, ideas, soft expressions, faces,insights, connections, laughter. Iconoclasts.

Caption: Iconoclasts.

Announcer: The show that brings together the mostfascinating and controversial minds. This week on Iconoclasts.

Caption: Björk. Musician.

[Weird music icon Björk sits at a table, bubbles float around]

Björk: In my dreams my fingers are made of butter.

[Ex-NBA great Charles Barkeley sits and is in mid-conversation]

Charles Barkeley:…and I was like “I don’t even care,cause its not my car”, wait. What show is this?

Announcer: Iconoclasts.

Caption: Björk and Charles Barkeley

[Camera splits with photos of Björk and Charles Barkeley faces]

Announcer: Watch sparks fly as two great minds meet for the first time.

Caption: Sparks. Great minds. First time.

[Charles and Björk share a table at The Cheesecake Factory]

Björk: Hello, Charles Barkeley. Would you like to hold my invisible baby?

Charles Barkeley: Is this for real?

[Camera split, photo of Björk and Charles]

Announcer: An intimate discussion where no subject is off limits.

Caption: Intimate discussion. No subject. Off limits.

[Charles and Björk stare at each other, not a word]

Announcer: Two visionaries having the kind ofconversation you could take a long bath in.

Caption: Visionaries. Conversation. Bath.

[Björk holds up a menu]

Björk: Look, Charles Barkeley. I have a magic book.

Charles Barkeley: Girl, that’s a menu. You’ve never been to the Cheesecake Factory?

Björk: Look! It’s snowing!

[Björk throws sugar up in the air. Hides her shy smile with her hands]

Charles Barkeley: Damn, you’re like Dennis Rodman if he was a tiny white lady.

Announcer: When great minds collide anything can happen.

Caption: Great minds. Anything can happen.

Charles Barkeley:[looks at menu]Everything is good atthe Cheesecake Factory. Let me see. That’s good, thisis good, this is it right here—I want that. Oh, Thailettuce wraps? Yes, please! He, he, he.

Björk: Do they have cheesecake?[hides her shy smile]

Charles Barkeley: Ha, ha, ha! Oh, “Bork”. You are priceless.

Announcer: Two humans with mouths making noises that are words.

Caption: Humans. Mouths. Noises that are words.

[Charles is dumping the contents of Björk’s plate unto his]

Björk: Charles, do you think humans are just trees made of skin?

Charles Barkeley:[going along with it]Yeah. Come one,”Bork”. Let’s go watch the tv’s at Best Buy!

Björk: Ok.

Charles Barkeley: Cool. Did you drive?

Björk:[holds up bike wheel]I brought my wheel.

Charles Barkeley: Shotgun!

[They leave]

Announcer: Iconoclasts. Only on the Sundance Channel.

Caption: Sundance Channel on Universal HD.

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Goodnights / Bon Jovi performs “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?”

…..Jack Nicholson
…..Jon Bon Jovi
…..Bon Jovi

Jack Nicholson: Once again — Jon Bon Jovi!

[ Pan over to the next stage ]

Jon Bon Jovi: – I wnt to thank Lorne, Marcy, and Steve for letting me be here! Who says you can’t go hooooome?!

Bon Jovi: [ singing ]
“I spent 20 years trying to get out of this place
I was looking for something I couldn’t replace
I was running away from the only thing I’ve ever known.
Just like a blind dog without a bone
I was a gypsy lost in the twilight zone
I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold.
I been there, done that, I ain’t lookin’ back on the seeds I’ve sown
Saving dimes, spending too much time on the telephone.
Who says you can’t go home?

Who says you can’t go home?There’s only one place they call me one of their own
Just a hometown boy, born a rolling stone.
Who says you can’t go home?Who says you can’t go back?
Been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There’s only one place left I want to go.
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright!

I went as far as I could, I tried to find a new face
There isn’t one of these lines I would erase
I lived a million miles of memories on that road.
With every step I take I know I’m not alone
You take the home from the boy, but not the boy from his home
These are my streets, the only life I’ve ever known.
who says you can’t go home?

Who says you can’t go home?There’s only one place they call me one of their own
Just a hometown boy, born a rolling stone.
Who says you can’t go home?Who says you can’t go back?
Been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There’s only one place left I want to go.
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright!
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright!

It doesn’t matter where you are, it doesn’t matter where you go
If it’s a million miles aways or just a mile up the road
Take it in, take it with you when you go.
who says you can’t go home?

Who says you can’t go back?
Been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There’s only one place left I want to go.
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright!
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, its alright
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, its alright
Who says you can’t go home?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Postseason ’07 II

Dane Cook…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Dane Cook ]

Dane Cook: [ manic ] The NLCS! It all comes down to — [ points his fingers down ] THIS! Nine games! five innings! One strike! It’s the Colorado Rockies versus the Arizona D-Backs! Arizona’s goal? Scoring goals! Baseball goals! Brandon Webb — [ points fingers in Spiderman pose ] schoom! Spiderman reference! And there’s probably a player named Ramirez! Meanwhile, the Rockies haven’t been this good since thye beat Hulk Hogan and Mr. T in the same movie! Todd Helton shouldn’t have a batting average — he should have a batting outstanding! The Diamondbacks versus the Colorado Rockies — I’m pretty sure one of them’s a hockey team! Which one? You’ll have to watch to find out! ‘Cause there’s twenty guys on the field, but there’s only ONE baseball Grammy! There’s only ONE October, and there are 300 of these promos! [ gives the Super-Finger ]

[ cut to graphic: “Postseason ’07. There’s only one October. actober.com” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts