Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 33: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 23rd, 2008 Tina Fey Carrie Underwood None Amber Lee Ettinger Steve Martin Gov. Mike Huckabee Don Pardo Simon Rich CNN Univision Democratic DebateSummary: News anchors fawn over hopeful Democratic nominee Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) while barely paying attention a delusional Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton. Bio: Amber Lee Ettinger (1983-). Actress, model; appears as “Obama Girl” in a series of Internet videos, most notably “I Got a Crush… on Obama”. Transcript
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph does not appear in this episode. Note: Casey Wilson joins the show as a featured performer.
Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Tina Fey is excited to be hosting the first show following the Writer’s Guild strike, but former TV scribe-turned-actor Steve Martin jumps onstage to offer tips on making the transition to actress. Transcript
annualeSummary: New women’s hygeine product makes it possible for women to endure their period just once a year, albeit with dangerous side effects the remainder of the year. Transcript
Rock of Love 2Summary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) vies for Bret Michaels’ (Jason Sudeikis) on his reality dating program. Recurring Characters: Amber. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: As “A Message to Old People”, an elderly man demonstrates how he is able to place his grandsons (Bill Hader, Andy Samberg) in popular movies as a treat for their grandma. Transcript
What’s That Bitch Talking About?Summary: Male (Bill Hader) and female (Tina Fey) game show contestants must decipher cryptic phone messages spoken by various models. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Despite the mathematical impossibility, Gov. Mike Huckabee still thinks he has a chance to beat Sen. John McCain for the Republican Party nomination. Making a return to the desk to discuss “Women’s News”, Tina Fey insists that Hillary Clinton is the best candidate for the Democratic Party nomination. Transcript
NBCSummary: A series of promos for NBC’s exhaustive “Celebrity Apprentice” incarnations in Thursday’s prime-time line-up. Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Ted Allen, Mary Jo Buttafuaco, John Mark Karr, Charles Barkley, Jennifer Tilly, Gene Simmons, Lance Ito. Transcript
Ed’s ToastSummary: A drunken Ed Mahoney (Jason Sudeikis) makes an ass of himself while toasting the groom (Will Forte) at a wedding reception. Recurring Characters: Ed Mahoney. Transcript
Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon RidesSummary: Trying not to rub it in anyone’s face, Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) advertises rides on her hot air balloon. Transcript
I Drink Your MilkshakeSummary: The Oscar-nominated film “There Will Be Blood” becomes a Food Network spin-off, as Daniel Plainview (Bill Hader) and his son H.W. (Amy Poehler) wander through a malt shop drinking other patrons’ milkshakes. Transcript
Carrie Underwood performs “Flat On The Floor”
Lady BusinessSummary: NBC unveils yet another “Sex and the City” copycat drama featuring an all-women cast. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Funeral ArrangementsSummary: Patriarch (Fred Armisen) discusses burial options with his family, which results in a series of financial arguments.
Family DinnerSummary: When a man (Will Forte) brings his girlfriend (Tina Fey) home for dinner, he worries that his sloppy brother (Andy Samberg) will sleep with her behind his back.
Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides IISummary: Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) flirts with herself while riding in her hot air balloon.
Cruise ShipSummary: Two guys (Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis) meet a pair of girls (Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig) from Philadelphia while on a cruise ship.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Barbara Birmingham…..Kenan Thompson Roger A. Trivanti…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.
Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires this week, has lost his promotion because of the event, which begs the question, “What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?”
Before announcing her retirement on Thursday, Martina Hingis revealed she had been accused for testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon, but denied having ever used it. Though after she left, the officials did notice the baseline was missing.
Seth Meyers: During the democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying “There’s only 3 things he mentions in a sentence: A noun, a verb, and 9/11.” Giuliani later responded, saying, “Joe Biden sucks 9/11.”
Hillary Clinton, on Thursday, visited Wellesley College and told students that “This all-womens’ college prepared me to compete in the all-boys club of presidential politics.” Although, she said afterwards, it was hard to speak at a school that was so pro-bush.
Amy Poehler: After reaching an impasse during contract negotiations with the Alliance In Motion Pictures and Television Producers this week, the Writers Guild of America has announced their intention to go on strike this Monday. Here with some insight on the strike and it’s larger effect with the entertainment industry, is studio head Roger A. Trivanti.
[Roger A. Trivanti scoots over]
Roger A. Trivanti: Well, thank you, Amy, now allow me to begin by saying we producers consider you writers one of our most highly regarded assits, and one of our most highly rewarded! Working writers, on average, earn over two hundred thousand dollars a year. So, you can see why we have problems when you cry poverty, and go on strike.
Amy Poehler: Okay, well, how much does the average studio head make a year?
Roger A. Trivanti: Barely 12 million. More if you get fired. And, while that seems like– It seems like a lot of money, but it’s not! You know, back in the day, studio heads were given a house full of money, and when that money was gone, you got a new money house until the day you died, but DVDs on the internet have put an end to all that. You know how much it takes to make a DVD? 60 cents. You know how much we charge? 29 dollars! And the writers now want a piece of the profit. What profit?!? You know, we asked our accountants to figure out what 29 dollars minus 60 cents is, and you know what they came up with?
Amy Poehler: $28.40?
Roger A. Trivanti: Negative 13 dollars. And, I tell you, it’s even worse on the internet. You know, we just post movies and television shows for free!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, but don’t you collect ad revenues from websites?
Roger A. Trivanti: Amy! How many times do I have to explain this? It’s not like saying, “Uh, does a magazine collect revenues for putting ads on a magazine? It’s, uh, it’s, uh, it’s uh… [chuckles] It’s irrelevant! You know, and no one’s making any money, Amy! No one! And, if we were, the writers would be the first ones to get a check!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, okay, I see.
Roger A. Trivanti: Do you? Do you see, Amy? Because, maybe going on strike, and not getting paid looks pretty good from the top of 200,000 dollars, but you know what? I don’t have 200,000 dollars! I wish I had 200,000 dollars, but I don’t! I only have 20 million dollars! And now, this strike is going to require some serious belt tightening on my part. I’m going to have to go from a private jet, I’m going to have to fly on first class! Like a monkey! What else? No more insulating the pool house gold bars, thank you very much! And finally, you know, my son, with a tooth, he’s only going to get a quarter, instead of a night with a hooker.
[As audience gives a groan of laughter and suprise, Roger gives them a surprised confused look right back at them]
Roger A. Trivanti: I’m going to say something, and I mean this. I hope you writers get ass cancer and die!
Amy Poehler: Wow! Roger A. Trivanti, everyone! Roger A. Trivanti! That’s what we have to deal with! Yup, that’s right.
Seth Meyers: Singapore Airlines, the first operating of the new Air bus 380, has asked its passengers on the world’s biggest jumbo jet to refrain from sex in one of its 12 first-class suites which have double beds. Said the passengers, “No.”
J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter books, revealed last week that the Hogwarts headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, is gay. What’s worse? He has hogwarts.
Amy Poehler: Applebee’s shareholders have voted to approve the new one billion dollar budget purchase of IHop restaurants. The deal was celebrated at neither an Applebee’s nor an IHop.
A Seattle federal grand jury is instigating allegations by a model, saying that she was raped, assaulted, and threatened by magician David Copperfield at his private island in the Bahamas. When asked for comment, Copperfield said, “Yes, I raped her. Yes, I assaulted her. Yes, I threatened her. But, more importantly, is this your card?” [Amy holds up a poker card]
Seth Meyers: Alex Rodriguez announced Sunday, he would opt out of his contract with the Yankees to become a free agent. He’d be a perfect fit for teams to burn, but hate winning.
A woman in Minnesota wants to file abuse charges against a friend who was pet sitting her pot-belly pig, and allowed the animal to get fat. I’m no legal expert, but here’s how the case will go, “What kind of pig? Case dismissed!”
Amy Poehler: The Missouri highway patrol has been testing a new scanning device that can detect the presence of meth with only the click of a button. It’s called a flashlight.
Author, Aubrey De Grey, has published a new book, called “Ending Aging”, in which he feels means aging is a disease that can one day be cured. Now, before you dismiss this guy as a nut job, this is De Grey.
[a picture of a baby smoking a pipe pops up. Amy kisses it]
Seth Meyers: It was reported that because of the success of the Disney cartoon, “Ratatouille”, the demand for rats as pets has soared. This according to one guy on Avenue Lane, who tried to sell me a rat.
It appears that Ashley Olsen has become romantically involved with Lance Armstrong. They have even been seen riding around the city on a bike built for one and a quarter.
Amy Poehler: Halloween was this past Wednesday. Here now with a commentary on this year’s festivities, is our favorite Update nanny, Barbara Birmingham.
Barbara Birmingham: Mhm. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s right. Wooh! Amy. The… other one. Halloween is a chance for thousands of kids to dress up in something fun! Unfortunately, the most popular costume for young ladies was apparently that of a whore. It ain’t Little Bo Peep. It’s Little Ho Creep down at 5th Avenue. The other night, a girl came by my house dressed as a nurse with her blussums exposed. I told her, “Don’t you be defaming nurses! Nurses are heroes! I had one of them take good care of me, when my sugarbetes flaired up. And you know, if it wasn’t for nurses, Barbara Birmingham might only have one foot!
[Puts cigarette in her mouth, then takes a dramatic pause, and then puffs the smoke out of her nose]
Barbara Birmingham: Now, uh, freedom of expression is one thing, but kids are pushing it too far. You don’t know how lucky you are! Why, when I was growing up, the only costumes we had was milkmen, and slaves!
Seth Meyers: I don’t think that’s a costume.
[Barbara Birmingham jumps up on the Weekend Update desk, going after Seth]
Barbara Birmingham: Hey! What the hell!
[Barbara Birmingham slowly returns to her seat]
Barbara Birmingham: You don’t know me like that, Meyers… You don’t know me like that.
Barbara Birmingham: Continuing! Here is an example of kids that I see today!
[Barbara picks up a Barbie doll]
Barbara Birmingham: Mm.. Mm.. Mm.. It’s a shame. Listen to me baby, if you keep this up, nothing is going to end up in that little candy bag, except for problems and last night’s panties! [Has Barbie turn to the camera, as she sings the tune of Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab”] “It’s time for you to go to rehab, ‘cuz you’re a ho, ho, ho.” Now, parents, if you want more advice on raising your children the right way, buy my book, “Daddy’s Little Whore: A Damn Shame” by Barbara Birmingham. It’s available only at Gimbels.
Seth Meyers: Um, Gimbels closed in 1997.
[Barbara jumps on the Update desk, once more]
Barbara Birmingham: What?!? I’m going to get you!
[Barbara gets back off]
Barbara Birmingham: Give it to me!
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Barbara Birmingham, everyone! Are you alright? Whoa. But, she’s great with kids… she’s great with kids.
Seth Meyers: [breaking off cue cards] She actually got my tie. Barbara Birmingham is… WAY faster than she looks! [tries fixing his tie] She undid the top button!
Amy Poehler: Let me see. [She slants the tie loose and to the left]
Seth Meyers: Alright, there we go. [does a drunken voice] Good evening. [Follows back on cue cards]
A hunter in Iowa is recovering after he was shot at close range by his dog. One witness says he’s never heard a dog laugh so hard.
British grandmother, Peggy Mcalpine, celebrated her hundredth birthday, this week, by becoming the world’s oldest paraglider. Though, she would have preferred to have done it voluntarily.
[News photo reveals Peggy being thrown out the plane by men, as Seth laughs in shame]
Amy Poehler: To help produce the number of pigeons in the Staten Island fairy terminal, the councilman is proposing feeding the birds birth control pills. This after having no luck with the abstinence pamphlets.
An 84-foot Norway spruce from Shelton, Connecticut, has been selected to be this year’s Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree/bum urinal.
Female Executive…..Amy Poehler …..Brian Williams Male Executive 1…..Jason Sudeikis Male Executive 2…..Bill Hader Dunham…..Will Forte Farina…..Maya Rudolph Musician…..Andy Samberg Larry…..Fred Armisen Janet…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center ]
[ dissolve to interior, NBC News Headquarters ]
Female Executive: Brian, the numbers are consistent — we just haven’t been able to make any headway with the younger demographic.
Brian Williams: I think that’s our whole problem — the kids are getting their news off the Internet and these… [ says it with mild disgust ] podcasts.
Male Executive 1: I so TOTALLY agree!
Male Executive 2: We should get Mo Rocca to do a nightly Blog report!
Male Executive 1: No, that’s — [ looks toward Brian ]
Brian Williams: Stupid.
Male Executive 1: SO stupid!!
Female Executive: Well, what about the open?
Brian Williams: Well, I’m so glad you asked. That’s where we need to be fresh and new. I’ve hired Dunham & Kirk to come up with something new for us.
Male Executive 2: The Dunham & Kirk?
Brian Williams: Uh, well — yes. [ presses intercom button ] Mrs. Dunham… can you send in Dunham & Kirk?
[ a pack of studio musicians enter the boardroom and congregate at the head of the table ]
Brian Williams: Well, you’re the — you’re the magic makers, they tell me. Why don’t you show me what you’ve got.
Dunham: Great! You are not gonna believe the juicy tracks we’ve jammed out for this gig! Now, uh — here’s your news theme now: [ to the tune of the NBC Nightly News theme ] “Bore — bore — boring! Boring, boring, boring!” Okay, and now… here’s your news theme with a funky twist. Hit it, Farina!
Farina: [ as the studio musicians jam ] “It’s a low-down, dir-tee cit-tay! Gettin’ down to the nit-ty grit-tay! Baby, though you’re no good at this may-lay [ ?? ] You got no corn-bread and candy jel-lay [ ?? ] [ ??? ] [ ??? ] Nightly News!”
Brian Williams: That was — that was awfully urban. Do you have anything else?
Musician: Yeah. Check this out! [ sings variant of “Frasier” ] “Baby, I hear the blues a-callin’ Tosses salad and scrambled eggs. Night-ly Newwwwwwws, oh my!”
Brian Williams: [ beside himself ] That’s clearly the theme from “Frasier”.
Musician: [ smirks ] Bust-ed!
Brian Williams: I — I need something young, yes — but — but dignified.
Dunham: Dignified? We got dignified comin’ out our ass! Larry, show ’em what we got in the Dignified Department! Hardcore rap!
Larry: Yeah, check it out. [ raps ] “Brian Williams takin’ up the ho-mie! Pumpin’ cherries like a horny bunny! Smokin’ blunts and drinkin’ all the forties! And now we’ll make some mo-nay!”
Male Executive 2: Ooh-ooh! I like that!
Female Executive: No. Really, really stupid.
Dunham: Uh, we know that… and that’s why we came up with this. Janet?
Janet: Oh, you’re gonna love this. [ in a mellow tone ] “Kittycats, old-fashioned spats. A ball of yarn and happy chats. A la-a-a-a-a-and of color… and yooooooouuuu.”
Brian Williams: You know what? We’re — we’re — we’re flailing. Enough of that. What happened to the idea I sent you for an opening segment?
Dunham: [ confused ] We didn’t see any idea from you.
Male Executive 2: I thought we all agreed your idea wasn’t… that… good?
Female Executive: Yeah, we didn’t think we would really go with that. [ to Dunham & Kirk ] What else do you guys have?
Brian Williams: It may be easy for you, but, at the end of the day, it’s my name on the masthead —
Male Executive 1: It’s HIS name.
Brian Williams: And I put myself OUT THERE every evening to this nation, and I’d like to go with my idea, and that’s it.
Male Executive: I — I think it’s a GREAT idea! It’s a super genius idea, sir!
[ dissolve to the opening of “NBC Nightly News” ]
Brian Williams: On the broadcast tonight, the War in Iraq. Will is spill over into Iran? As winter approaches, how much will we all be paying to heat our homes this year? And the new numbers out from the Fed — are we heading into a recession? “Nightly News” begins now.
[ cut to James Bond-style graphics of Brian Williams in dark silhoette attacking his enemies with the news, as girls sing and dance around a tuxedo-clad Brian Williams amid action sequences ]
Theme: “Watch out, World, ’cause here comes The Williams! Look out, World, ’cause here comes The Williams! Watch out, Bad Guys, ’cause here comes The Williams! Kickin’ and a-punchin’, that’s Brian Williams! Night! Ly! News! Brian Williams!”
[ cut to Brian Williams behind his newsdesk ]
Brian Williams: I’m Brian Williams, and that’s how I roll.
…..Brian Williams …..Al Roker …..Matt Lauer …..Bono
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
Director’s Voice: In 3.. 2..
[ dissolve to Brian Williams standing in the NBC News studio ]
Brian Williams: Hi, I’m Brian Williams of “NBC Nightly News.” A lot of people ask me, quite often, what it’s like to be a network evening news anchor. So I agreed to let a camera crew follow me through an average day here at work. Take a look.
[ dissolve to exterior, NBC Studios of 30 Rockefeller Center ]
Brian Williams V/O: The first thing I like to do each morning when I get to NBC’s 30 Rockefeller Plaza Headquarters.. is stand outside the building, and wait for somebody to recognize me.
Passerby: Hey! Stone Phillips!
Brian Williams: [ satisfied ] Hey, hey, hey!
Brian Williams V/O: Close enough.
[ cut to Brian Williams entering NBC’s fitness center ]
Brian Williams V/O: Then.. it’s straight to the fitness center, for my daily fitness regime.
[ reveal Brian Williams reading a newspaper while standing on treadmill in roller skates ]
Brian Williams V/O: Oh, boy.. I’m gonna feel that workout tomorrow.
[ cut to footage of NBC employees eating in the cafeteria ]
Brian Williams V/O: I always try to take my meals in the NBC cafeteria. I feel it connects me with my fellow workers — the common man.
[ reveal Brian Williams sitting at table by himself. The table is roped off and guarded by a personal bodyguard ]
[ cut to Brian Williams making a phone call in his office ]
Brian Williams V/O: Afterwards, it’s time to head in to the office. The first thing I do is pick a phone and call a special someone, who means the world to me.
Brian Williams: [ into phone ] Hey, you! I know you had a tough day, but.. you got through it, because you’re the best there is. You’re a winner.. and I love you. [ he hangs up ]
[ cut to various images of Brian Williams hard at work, then cut to him opening the window in his office ]
Brian Williams V/O: So much of what we do in the news business is serious. Sometimes I find it’s healthy to take a break and have a little fun.
Brian Williams: [ grabs a fistful of pennies and looks down below ] Ah, the morning duo!
[ down below, Al Roker and Matt Lauer are delivering a piece on “The Today Show”, when they are suddenly pelted by the hailing pennies ]
Al Roker: What is that?!
Matt Lauer: [ looking up ] What kind of asshole throws pennies from a window?
[ back upstairs, Brian Williams smiles as he ducks back inot his office and shuts the window ]
[ cut to Brian Williams watching video in the dark ]
Brian Williams V/O: As a part of my daily ritual, I like to find time to watch footage of my favorite news anchor of all time.
[ reveal that Brian Williams is watching footage of himself ]
Brian Williams: [ watching, he smiles] The Master at work!
[ dissolve to Brian Williams in a meditation position on the floor of his office ]
Brian Williams V/O: I also like to calm my nerves, by practicing the ancient art of meditation.
[ the image of Bono appears above Brian Williams’ shoulder ]
Bono: Oh, yeah.. lookin’ good, Brian! You’re WAY cooler than me. I’d do ANYTHING to be you.
[ Brian Williams glances up at Bono’s image and smiles ]
Brian Williams: Thanks, Bono!
[ dissolve to footage of Brian Williams entering the NBC News studio ]
Brian Williams V/O: Then it’s time for the big show.. and I make my way into the studio, take my seat, and share the news with America.
Brian Williams: [ live ] Good evening. The Stock Market suffered a big fall today —
Brian Williams V/O: And that’s my day — a job well done. When it’s all over, I pack up my stuff, check my voice mail one last time, and head on home.
[ in the hallway, Brian Williams holds his cell phone up to his ear ]
Voice Mail Recording: First new voice message:
Brian Williams: [ pre-recorded voice message ] Hey, you! I know you had a tough day, but.. you got through it, because you’re the best there is. You’re a winner.. and I love you.
Brian Williams: [ smiles ] I love you, too.
[ Brian Williams hangs up his cell phone and heads home ]
Director…..Jason Sudeikis Marker…..Bill Hader Male Student 1…..Andy Samberg Female Student…..Amy Poehler Male Student 2…..Kenan Thompson Principal…..Brian Williams
[ open on exterior, Stage 15 ]
[ dissolve to playground set, where an actress and two actors playing high school students dressed in graduation garb sit on the swings ]
[ the Director steps onto the set ]
Director: Okay, everyone, uh — well, this is the last shot of our very last episode of “Riley’s Way”. And, uh — I — I — I just want to say, it’s been a pleasure working with each and every one of you on what, for my money, is the BEST high school drama in the history of the CW. [ the three actors are touched ] Alright? That’s from here. [ he thumps his chest ] Alright, so here we go. [ he runs off the set ]
Marker: “Riley’s Way”, Scene 42, take One.
Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!
[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]
Male Student 1: Graduation. It’s a funny word. I never thought I’d be saying it.
Male Student 2: I still can’t believe it’s the end.
Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning.
[ the actor who plays the Principal saunters onto the set and leans against the swingset with a come-to hither ]
Female Student: Principal Jeffries? Any advice for the future?
Principal: Yes. Live. [ the students laugh as he wraps his arms around them ] Class dismissed, guys.
[ the Director reappears ]
Director: Alright, let’s cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut! That was great, guys. There was, uh, a small technical problem, so we’re gonna have to do that again.
Male Student 2: Aw, man, that was a good take!
Director: I’m sorry.
Male Student 1: Yeah, yeah — that’s WHACK!
Principal: Yeah, that was WHACK! But you know what’s NOT gonna be whack? RAP PARTY! [ he chuckles ] I just hope for myself, I don’t get all emotional. I remember the rap party when we did “Quantum Leap”. I, uh — I cried like a baby. I told you guys I did “Leap”, right?
Female Student: Yeah, I think you mentioned that before.
Principal: But, uh — I’m gonna miss working with you guys, but we are gonna have more time to hang. We can go up to Lake Havestun[?] next week — bumper boats, anybody?
Male Student 2: [ grits his teeth ] Uh, I don’t think we can. I mean, we start shooting the spin-off next week.
Principal: Awesome! No way! Spin-off! That’s — that’s GOOD whack! Uh, I wonder, though, why my agent, uh, didn’t tell me? I didn’t get a call.
Female Student: Oh, uh… it’s — it’s called “Riley’s Way: The College Years”.
Principal: What’s… my role gonna be? Does he — I don’t know — move in with the kids in school, or open up a… pizza parlor in town?
Male Student 1: Yeah, I don’t think you’re in it!
Principal: [ stunned ] What?
Male Student 1: You’re NOT in the spin-off.
Principal: [ stunned ] Okay! Well, then… [ he slinks off the set ]
[ the Director reappears ]
Director: Okay, we’re all ready on the set? Let’s do it! [ he steps off again ]
Marker: Scene 42, take Two.
Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!
[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]
Male Student 1: [ sighs ] I still can’t believe it’s the end.
Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning. [ looks over her shoulder ] Principal Jeffries?
Principal: [ fuming ] What do you want?
[ the students are stunned by this sudden outburst ]
Female Student: Uhhh — any advice for the future?
Principal: Yeah, you know what? [ to the students, one at a time ] You can go to Hell — you can lose ten pounds — and you’re gay!
Male Student 1: What?!
Director: Cut! Cut! Uh — Barry! Barry, come here, man — let’s have a little chat here. [ the actor steps forward ] Uh — so, Barry — Barry, what’s with you?
Principal: What’s with you, Paul? I just heard about the little spin-off project.
Director: Okay. Now — now, I’m sorry you had to fidn out about it this way, Barry, but, you know, it’s just how the business works! [ he smiles ]
Principal: Let’s not talk to me about the business, Paul. I was in “Quantum Leap”. Scott Bakula?
Director: I know.
Principal: Yeah!
Director: I know. Look, Barry —
Principal: After ALL I have done for this show… I — I am on this set every day, whether I have a scene or not… I’m running my lines, I’m running their lines — writing lines —
Director: Yeah, Barry, we specifically asked you not to do any of those things.
Principal: Well, I’m specifically asking you — right now — not to be such a BONE! Put me in the spin-off, please.
Director: Okay, now why — why would the high school principal go to college with them? Okay, look, look, look, look — you’re a GREAT actor. Okay? You’re gonna be fine. You did “Leap”. Yuo did “Leap”! I mean — [ he chuckles ] Now. can we please just get this last shot?
Principal: Alright.
Director: Good! Thank you. [ the Principal exits off the set ] Alright, let’s go! Places! [ he steps aside ]
Marker: Scene 42, take Three.
Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!
Male Student 1: [ sighs ] Man! I still cannot believe it’s the end.
Principal: [ stepping forward ] And I can’t believe I didn’t get my college degree! [ he laughs, revealing a cap turned sideways across his head ] Back to school soon for old Principal Jeffries! I’ll check you fools on the quad! [ stesp aside ] Okay! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
Director: Barry, Barry, come in here, please!
Principal: I think we NAILED that one!
Director: No, hey, Barry! Come in here, now! Let’s go! [ the Principal steps forward ] Okay, now, Barry — take off the hat, man! [ the Principal removes his cap ] Okay, now, look — we’re all sorry you’re not in the spin-off. But that’s just how it works!
Principal: Fine! I mean, I — I — I get it. Principal Jeffries was… never the most popular character. Maybe he was just a man.
[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up all of a sudden ]
Director: Hey, Keith, can we kill the music? [ the music turns off ] I’m sorry, Barry, keep going, I couldn’t hear you.
Principal: Well, let me tell you about another man. His name was me. And he was — he was on “Quantum Leap”. Twice, in the same episode. I wish all of you here good luck, and may… your next leap be the leap home. Class dismissed.
[ the director and actors applaud ]
Director: Hey, can we get a writer in here? I, uh — I think Principal Jeffries deserves a new ending.
[ dissolve to exterior, Stage 15 ]
[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]
[ dissolve to playground set ]
Male Student 1: Graduation. It’s a funny word. I never thought I’d be saying it.
Male Student 2: [ sighs ] I still can’t believe it’s the end.
Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning. [ she looks up, as the Marker enters the scene ] Hey! It’s that guy that killed Principal Jeffries!
Cheryl Ryan….Kristen Wiig Carl Bacon….Brian Williams Pizza delivery guy….Fred Armisen Jenna Clark….Maya Rudolph Tommy Gelp….Will Forte Connie McGee….Amy Poehler
[Opens with overexcited gal with bushy blond hairholding a bunch of colored balloons in one hand, mic on the other]
Cheryl Ryan: Hi, everybody! I am Cheryl Ryan andyou’re watching the Annual Publishers Clearing Housegrand prize giveaway special! Oh, this is the biggestprize to date!! 15 million dollars to this year’slucky winner on live television right now!! Come on! Ilove this shows![gives balloons to someone off camera,runs up the steps on a porch, knocks on door]Oh, God.Here we go.[Man eating an apple opens the door]
Carl Bacon: Hello.
Cheryl Ryan: Hi, I am looking for Mr. Carl Bacon.
Carl Bacon: I’m Carl.
Cheryl Ryan: Well Carl, you have just won the 15million dollars grand prize from Publishers Clearing House!! Congratulations!!
[Confetti and colored paper ribbons float around. Carl is like nothing happened]
Carl Bacon:[barely audible] Cool.
Cheryl Ryan: Yeah, well I would say that’s very cool,yes!! $15 million dollars!! You won!! Yeah!!![noreaction from Carl]Why don’t you tell America how does it feel?!
Carl Bacon:[bites apple]It feels great.
Cheryl Ryan: Oh, yeah!! We’re on television right now!We’re on live TV! Oh, did we come at a bad time?
Carl Bacon: No, I work from inside the house.
Cheryl Ryan: I think your working days are over, sir!!$15 million dollars!! Whoooo!, Ye-e-eah!!Ye-e-e-e-eah![to someone off camera for confetti]Do itagain. Oh, we don’t have anymore? Yeah, bring me thecheck, bring me the check.[big ass check for $15million with Carl’s name on it. Cheryl holds it upwith calm as hell Carl]Look, there’s your name andyou’ve won!! Carl Bacon! Yeah, who-o-o-o!!! Thank you,thank you, ok, all right, well listen why don’t youtell us what exciting things you’re gonna do with all that money?!
Carl Bacon: Uh, I…nothing comes….
Cheryl Ryan: Whoooo!!! Lots to think about cause youcan buy just about anything!![Carl just nods]Traveling?! You can buy cars! I know there must besomething you wanna do with all that money!
Carl Bacon:[no emotion]I just this second found out Iwon so I’ll just need time to think about it.
Chery Ryan: Who-o-o-o!!!! Mr. Bacon you are—you arekilling me. You are one cool cucumber. We’re ontv–[growl from a dry throat] so let’s everyone [drygrowl] whoa, what is that? Can I–can I get a littlebit of water? [someone off camera gives her a glass ofwater, she drinks some]Ok, sorry. They gave thisinterview, cause its the biggest prize winnerever….[listen on her earpiece]Ok, yes, yes. Thankyou, yeah, ok, right now we are going to show you andall of you at home some of the other winner’s fromyear’s past and Carl, watch their reactions cause theydo it right, yeah![nothing from Carl]
[Cut to lady in a nightgown and glasses shaking allover with the big ass check on her hands]
Caption: Jenna Clark. 2004 Publishers Clearing House Winner.
Jenna Clark: Oh, my God!, oh, my God! I won!! Oh,Lord!! I won!!
[Cut to a guy screaming like a madman, jumps up anddown holding the big ass check]
Caption: Tommy Gelp. 2005 Publishers Clearing HouseWinner.
Tommy Gelp: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
[Cut to a young blond breaking through her screen doorlike possessed. Yanks potted plant out by its root,continues running off camera]
Caption: Connie McGee. 2006 Publishers Clearing House Winner.
Connie McGee: Arrrrgh!!!!! Aaaaahhh!!!
[Cut backs to Carl and Cheryl on Carl’s porch]
Caption:Carl Bacon. 2007 Publishers Clearing House Winner.
[Cheryl looks for joy in Carl. Nothing.]
Chery Ryan: And now you!!! oh, look, o-o-o-oh! thatwas….yeeeah….its so exciting, isn’t it amazing, Carl?
Carl Bacon:[barely audible]Yes, it was.
Chery Ryan: Well, ok. Its good that you won. Well,things are getting very exciting around here. We…
[A pizza delivery guy approaches the porch holding apizza and a little cheesy bread box on top]
Pizza delivery guy: Did you order a pizza?
Carl Bacon: What’s this?
Pizza delivery guy: Cheesy bread comes with every large pizza this month.
Carl Bacon: I didn’t order this.
Pizza delivery guy: Well, it’s free.[gives the pizzaand cheesy bread to Carl and leaves]
Carl Bacon: Free ch–, free cheesy bread?[Joyous beyondbelief] Wow!! I could never get free cheesy bread!!Debbie! We got free cheesy bread!![goes into thehouse, slams door shut]
[Cheryl gets whatever joy she can from it]
Cheryl Ryan: Well, there you have it! CongratulationsCarl! It is so exci—, bring in the balloons![getsthe balloons] Its still so exciting! We’re–oh,yes…[dry throat growl, Cheryl passes out, falls down]
Brian Williams’ Monologue Written by: Seth Meyers, Colin Jost
…..Brian Williams
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Brian Williams!
Brian Williams: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, it is such a thrill to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” I would like to point out that, at this very moment, we all — all of us — have something in common: each one of us is thinking, myself included, “Now, is this really a good idea?” Should I be hosting this show? And I’d like to take a moment, right now, to address that.
You know, when I agreed to host “SNL”, I believed I was following in this long tradition of newsmen who have appeared on this show. Icons, heroes of mine. Like Walter Cronkite.. Ted Koppel.. Peter Jennings. It wasn’t until rehearsal this morning that I was told that those were not the actual newsmen, but cast members doing impressions of them. The newscasters never risked their own careers or reputations by coming — I was nervous upon hearing the news. Dare, I say, panicky. So I called my good friend and mentor, Tom Brokaw, to see what I should do. In a couple of weeks from now, when he returns the message, and we go through that awkward dance of me explaining to him just who I am, and I — I expect he’ll say, if it’s not too late, “Get out of there, quickly.”
So why am I still here? Well, maybe I’ve — I’ve earned the right to have some fun. I’ve — I’ve been shot at while covering our troops in Iraq.. I’ve moderated the Democratic debate just this past Tuesday night.. when there’s a fire or a flood, I am there. And, yet, I know my own negatives. I’ve seen the internal NBC research, I’ve read the viewer mail, I know I’m often seen.. as a stiff. A guy who is always in anchorman-mode. But.. tonight..
[ he lowers his head, then raises it on a close-up with a news insert that reads: “That All Changes” ]
Tonight, that all changes. You’re going to see a whole new Brian Williams. Because, here tonight, I’m going to: [ the words appear on the insert ] relax.. have fun.. be spontaneous.. and, most important, stay loose. [ he lowers his head, and the insert disappears ] I’m sorry about that. It’s gonna happen from time to time. I don’t know when it’s coming on — it’s an anchorman thing. The point is, we’re going to have some fun, and I promise to read my jokes in the.. very same fashion I’ve been reading the news for these past few years.
We have a great show. And, when we come back: Are the pharmaceutical companies telling the truth about teenage drug abuse? Feist is here, ladies and gentlemen! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Phil….Fred Armisen Phil’s wife….Amy Poehler Phil’s Friends….Andy Samberg, Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte
[Opens with a group of friends watching a football game on HDTV. They cheer]
Jason: Where’s the beer?
Andy: Phil’s bringing it.
[Knocks on door. Jason opens the door and Phil isthere with the beer and on his face he wears red-hotlipstick, eye shadow, mascara, blush]
Phil: Somebody said beer. [gives beer to Jason, goes inside]
Jason: [confused]God, what’s going on with your face?
Phil: I don’t know. Maybe I look a little more well-rested.
Andy: No. It looks like you have women’s make-up on.
Will: Yeah, I’d say women’s make-up.
Phil: No, I don’t. I’m wearing makeup for men.[holdsup the box] It’s men’s makeup. For men’s only. If itwasn’t man’s makeup, why do they say it on the box?[his pals check out the box]Maybelline for men. Itswritten on the box.
[Phil’s friends are all getting dolled up in front of their mirrors]
Will: Are you sure this is for men?
Jason: 100% Look on the box.
[On the box it reads “Maybelline. For men only. Not noticeable”]
Announcer: Maybelline for men.
Jason: And it’s not noticeable.
Announcer: Guys need to look good too.
[Phil is gets his lashes done. Walks in on his wife who is getting ready for a night out]
Phil: Ready to go honey.
Phil’s wife: Are you wearing makeup?
Phil: [kind of tired of explaining] I’m wearing makeupfor men. It’s not noticeable. It says so on the box. Let’s go.
[ Holds up the box, wife is convinced]
Phil’s friends: Maybelline for men only!!
Jingle: Maybe it’s Maybelline!
[Phil wearing a leather jacket, helmet and makeup hopson a motorcycle, engine revs]
iPhone II Written by: Bryan Tucker & Jason Sudeikis
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Man: I own a small stationary store, down in Tribeca.
[ jump cut ]
I’ve been my own boss for about… [ thinking ] four years now.
[ jump cut ]
I also love to punch cops.
[ jump cut ]
I guess I got a little bit of a problem with authority. [ he chuckles ]
[ jump cut ]
The way it usually goes is: I’ll see a cop… punch him… uh… then I run like hell!
[ jump cut ]
You know, finding an escape route after a random act of violence can be tricky.
[ jump cut ]
But with the iPhone, it’s super easy. All I have to do is: duck in a bar… hide in a stall in the ladies’ room — usually, because they never check there —
[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal an aerial satellite map ]
Then I just bring up Google Maps — you know, I can look up streets, I can check out traffic —
[ jump cut ]
I can even watch my “pig-punch” videos on Youtube… which is awesome.
[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal various music tools such as album covers ]
With the iPod feature, I’ve got plenty of tunes to choose from, while I’m coming down from my meth high.
[ jump cut ]
Guess I just want to say… Thanks, iPhone!
[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner ]
Man V/O: It’s the only thing that keeps me sane these days.
[ he runs a circle around the display, as a pair of cops give chase ]
Man: I’m having a Date Night with my wife. We’re at our favorite restaurant, when I feel my iPhone vibrating. I know exactly who it is.
[ jump cut ]
I excuse myself and I go to the bathroom. It’s a text from this woman I’ve been seeing on the side.
[ jump cut ]
She’s beyond hot. She’s — [ searches for the appropriate word ] crazy, and I like a little crazy. She’s French-Canadian.
[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen ]
But with the Address Book feature on my iPhone, I can put her under a different name. I call her Boyd Tinsley — he’s the violin player for The Dave Matthews Band? [ shrugs his shoulders ] This way, my wife will never know.
[ jump cut ]
She sends me a picture of her butt. Look at that — I can zoom in. [ he presses the screen and zooms in on the butt photo ] Oo-oo-oohh! Zoom out.. pinch it.. beautiful!
[ jump cut ]
With one swipe of my finger, I can delete the entire conversation before I get back to the table. It’s like she was never there.
[ jump cut ]
She was in Circe de Soleil. What she can do with her body — ohh! God, I wish my wife wasn’t pregnant!
[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner, as his pregnant wife walks up and calls out to him. He slips his iPhone into his pants pocket and runs to join his wife. ]
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Air Date:
CNN Univision Democratic DebateSummary: News anchors fawn over hopeful Democratic nominee Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) while barely paying attention a delusional Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler).
