For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 2
Goodnights
…..Seth Rogen
Seth Rogen: Thanks to Spoon! And Chevy Chase! This has been an honor — one of the best weeks of my life! This is a good group of people I’m working with — this has been amazing! Thank you, guys! Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 2
2007 National Douchebag Championships
Blaine Savage…..Jason Sudeikis
Jake Hawkins…..Bill Hader
Todd Deaton…..Seth Rogen
Christopher Spanks…..Will Forte
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Gene Simmons…..Fred Armisen
Gerard…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: We now return you live to the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada to the 2007 National Douchebag Championships. Sponsored by Maxim magazine, Axe body spray, Cigar Aficionado magazine, and SoBe No Fear energy drink. Now, heres your host, Blaine Savage!
Blaine Savage: Thank you. Welcome back, Im Blaine Savage. We are now down to three finalists. Only one will win 2007s Douchebag of the Year and walk away with the commemorative Jared Leto trophy, not to mention a guest spot on the television show Entourage. Lets review our contestants.
[cut to Jake Hawkins, wearing a button-up shirt and slicked-back hair] From New Jersey, a nightclub manager who loves a good joke, Jake Hawkins.
[pans to Todd Deaton, wearing a Big Johnson t-shirt and sideways hat] From Pennsylvania, a student who says he hopes to one day compete in Olympic muff-diving, Todd Deaton the Deetch.
[pans to Christopher Spanks, sporting spiky highlighted hair and one pierced ear] And from California, a street juggler and activist, Christopher Spanks.
Blaine Savage: Gentlemen, youve just completed the talent portion of our competition. Now its time to hear what our panel of celebrity judges has to say. First up is Jake.
Jake Hawkins: Haha, whats up? [holds out fist for Blaine to pound]
Blaine Savage: No, Im not doing that. Now, Jake, for your talent, you recited the lyrics to California Girls…
Jake Hawkins: Thats right.
Blaine Savage: …while doing impressions of Borat, Austin Powers, and Jim Carrey from Ace Ventura.
Jake Hawkins: Hehehe, yeahyeahyeah. Its nice! Do I make you horny, baby? Alllrighty then!
Blaine Savage: Uh, thats great, thats great, yeah. Alright, lets take a look at the judges scores.
[judges hold up signs reading 8.0, 8.5, and 7.5]
Blaine Savage: Wow, impressive! Very nice. Lets start with some comments with Sharon Osbourne.
Sharon Osbourne: [title reads Sharon Osbourne, Professional Reality Show Judge] Jake, theres no question you belong in this competition. Look at you. You are an enormous douchebag! But I have not seen you take it to the next level. You are such a douche show us why!
Blaine Savage: Okay, okay, some tough love there, some tough love. Gene Simmons?
Gene Simmons: [title reads Gene Simmons, First Douchebag of Rock & Roll] Jake [removes sunglasses], you got the tools, but youre not showing off your main tool. Be the animal that is man. Women want to smell it. [stares into the camera]
Blaine Savage: [puzzled look] Okay, Im not… sure about that. Lets go to the reigning Douchebag of the Year, Gerard.
Gerard: [title reads Gerard, 2006 Douchebag of the Year] Huh? Oh, sorry, I wasnt paying attention cause I was straight-up jammin on this PZone. No, biggie, fries. Anyways, I thought you were hilarious… dot-com!
Blaine Savage: [laughs] Thats why hes the champ, folks. Thats why hes the champ. Alright, next up is Todd Deaton the Deetch.
Todd Deaton: Sup, playas. [holds out fist for Blaine to pound]
Blaine Savage: No, no, Im not gonna do that, Im not gonna do that. Alright. Now Deetch, for your talent, you hit on a woman in the audience while showing her a picture on your cellphone of your testicles.
Todd Deaton: Hilarious. I asked her if she wanted to meet the twins. [smiles, then stops abruptly]
Blaine Savage: Good lord, good lord, alright. Lets go to the judges.
[judges hold up signs reading 9.0, 8.5, and 9.0]
Blaine Savage: Wow! Look at that, Deetch! Youre in the lead. Alright, lets go to Sharon Osbourne.
Sharon Osbourne: Todd, you have all the fundamentals. You have been brought up on date-rape charges seven times, but you were never convicted. You wear shower shoes everywhere, and you call everyone brosephus. You are an absolute classic douchebag. Bravo!
Blaine Savage: Wow. Wow, thats gotta feel good. Thats gotta feel real good. Gene Simmons?
Gene Simmons: Todd [removes sunglasses], be the man that you are. Ive left my smelly sweat on hotel sheets all over the world. And you know what? The ladies beg for more. [stares and smiles creepily into the camera]
Blaine Savage: [puzzled look] Alright, thats one to grow on. Lets head over to Gerard.
Gerard: Huh? Whats up? Oh, sorry. I was just putting one stray braid in my hair using Native American beads that I got at Hot Topic in the Bob Marley section. But for realsies, dude, youre the jazz! Just keep on doin the Bartman. [laughs sheepishly]
Blaine Savage: [laughs] Thats great feedback, great feedback. Uh, Todd, any thoughts?
Todd Deaton: Yeah, just one. What happens in Vegas stays in my pants! Oh snap!
Blaine Savage: [laughs] What a tool! Alright. Thats gonna be tough to beat. Alright. Lets hear what you can do, Christopher Spanks! Alright. Okay, so Christopher, for your talent, you played Ultimate Frisbee while riding on a Segway while singing the music of Jamiroquai.
Christopher Spanks: [sings] Beep-bop, beep-bop, mmm, virtual insanitayy.
Blaine Savage: Shut up, will ya? Just cool it. Alright, lets see what the judges said.
[judges hold up signs reading 10.0, 9.5, and 9.5]
Blaine Savage: Yes, its the highest yet! Terrific! Sharon, what do ya got?
Sharon Osbourne: Chris, youve demonstrated extreme douche-erty [pauses]. Douchebags of the world, bow down! Youve found your new king!
Blaine Savage: [laughs] Thats great. Gene Simmons?
Gene Simmons: Chris, tonight [removes sunglasses] youre half tiger, half gorilla, and half horse penis. Own it. [stares and smiles creepily into the camera]
Blaine Savage: Oh, Obi-Schwanz-Kenobi, that guy. Thats unbelievable. Alright, Gerard?
Gerard: [holding a white ferret] Whats up? Oh, sorry. I was just squeezing out some fresh gorp for my main man, Ferret Bueller. [laughs] But on the cereal tip, I gotta have my Pops. [smiles]
Blaine Savage: Okay, Im gonna assume that… thats positive, I guess. A commanding lead for Christopher Spanks, but its not over yet!
Announcer: More to come on the National Douchebag Championships. Plus, a performance by Counting Crows Adam Duritz, and Daughtry.
Submitted by: Shannon
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 2
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
October 6th, 2007
Seth Rogen
Spoon
None
Chevy Chase A Message from Kevin FederlineSummary: Having been granted full custodies of the two kids he had with Britney Spears, Kevin Federline (Andy Samberg) shares his parenting tips.
Recurring Characters: Kevin Federline.
MontageNote: A cartoon by Robert Smigel is announced during the opening credits but does not air in the live broadcast.
Seth Rogen’ MonologueSummary: Seth Rogen reads the monologue he wrote when he anticipated hosting “Saturday Night Live” during his youth.
Bio: Seth Rogan (1982-); Actor/comedian/writer; TV roles in “Freaks and Geeks”, 1999-2000, and “Undeclared”, 2001-02; recent film projects include “Knocked Up” (2007) and “Superbad” (2007).
Recurring Characters: Steven Seagal.
Veritas Ultrasound HDSummary: The high-tech ultrasound that features picture-in-picture technology that will bring tears to a new dad’s eyes.
Note: This ad parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.
Transcript
2007 National Douchebag ChampionshipsSummary: Sharon Osbourne (Amy Poehler) and Gene Simmons (Fred Armisen) are judges at the annual competitition designed to bring out the worst character traits in its participants.
Recurring Characters: Sharon Osbourne.
Transcript
MacGruber ISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from diffusing the bomb when his receding hairline is revealed.
Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Casey.
Transcript
Jeremy & StaciaSummary: Parents (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to to how annoying their friends find their oversized kids Jeremy (Seth Rogen) and Stacia (Kristen Wiig).
Transcript
MacGruber IISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from diffusing the bomb when his receding hairline is revealed.
Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Casey.
Transcript
A Message from Fred ThompsonSummary: Actor/politician Fred Thompson (Darrell Hammond) announces his bid for office even though he doesn’t seem to care about being elected one way or the other.
Recurring Characters: Sam Waterston.
MacGruber IIISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from diffusing the bomb when his receding hairline is revealed.
Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Casey.
Transcript
Spoon performs “The Underdog”Bio: Indie rock band from Austin, Texas; performing since 1994; members are: Britt Daniel, Jim Eno, Rob Pope, Eric Harvey.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” following Larry Craig’s weak excuses. Lou Dobbs (Darrell Hammond) rants against Canadians like Seth Rogen. Mets Manager Willie Randolph (Kenan Thompson) and Assistant Manager Omar Minaya (Fred Thompson) don’t have much to say about the Mets’ faltering performance. Senior Politica Correspondent Chevy Chase quips about the candidates seeking the White House bid in 2008.
Recurring Characters: Lou Dobbs.
Transcript
America’s First ColonistsSummary: After discovering a harvest crop of marijuana, the settlers of colonial Stonetown put thoughts of protecting themselves during the harsh winter on the back burner.
Rowlf & The Swedish ChefSummary: Muppets Rowlf (Seth Rogen), The Swedish Chef (Andy Samberg), Janice (Maya Rudolph), Zoot (Fred Armisen), and Animal (Bill Hader) perform a song.
Spoon performs “You Got Your Cherry Bomb”
Mad Joe DixonSummary: Mad Joe Dixon (Seth Rogen) and Delilah (Maya Rudolph) share a joy for tasteless personal pleasures.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Notre Dame Football on NBCNote: This ad parody will finally air on the episode hosted by Jon Bon Jovi.
NBC InvestigatesSummary: An investifative reporter (Seth Rogan) doesn’t do as good a job as his colleague (Amy Poehler).
Australian TravelersSummary: Australians (Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) pack their suitcases before going to New Zealand.
TV FunhouseSummary: In a presentation by Rob Smigel, the topic of air safety is covered in a variety of languages.
HideawaySummary: While hot-tubbing, a man (Seth Rogan) woos a woman (Maya Rudolph) with tales of his hideaway in White Plains.
Colorado RookiesSummary: A Colorado Rookies fan (Andy Samberg) performs a crazy dance every time his favorite team scores.
Maybelline For Men OnlySummary: There’s no need to question the authenticity of the product, because it says it’s “For Men Only” right there on the box.
Note: This ad parody will air on the episode hosted by Brian Williams.
History’s Greatest StoriesSummary: Neil Armstrong lands on the moon.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
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07a: LeBron James / Kanye West
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
O.J. Simpson…..Kenan Thompson
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad…..Fred Armisen
Translator…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.
During a meeting of the UN General Assembly on Tuesday, first lady Laura Bush walked past Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but refused to make eye contact with him. Though, in her defense, she thought he was a waiter.
A coffee shop has opened in the heart of Chinas forbidden city, replacing a controversial Starbucks that was forced out by public protest. Still, no word on the status of the forbidden city, Circuit City.
Seth Meyers: During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village.
On Thursday, President Bush held his own talks with the worlds biggest greenhouse gas emitters in hopes with coming up with aspirational goals in hopes to curb global warming. However, the talks were unexpectedly interrupted when the earth died.
Amy Poehler: Earlier this month, O.J. Simpson was arrested on six felony counts in connection with the reported armed robbery of some of his sports memorabilia from a Las Vegas hotel room. Here to comment; really? Oh, no. O.J. Simpson.
O.J. Simpson: Whats up? Seth? Amy?
Amy Poehler: Hello, OJ. So, what exactly went down in that hotel room?
O.J. Simpson: Amy, it was a huge misunderstanding. I just went in there to get my stuff. Stuff that was once mine, that I then sold to a guy, and then I came back to get it back. Thats O.J.s right.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, but OJ, I heard the audiotape, and it sounds like you were very threatening to those gentlemen.
O.J. Simpson: Youre missing the point, Amy. Wouldnt you be upset if you sold off some of your things, and when you decided to take those things back, many years after the transaction had taken place, they wouldnt part with it willingly?
Amy Poehler: Uhh, yes?
O.J. Simpson: Yes, okay. And wouldnt you be thoroughly disappointed in the police department for seeking you for the arrest of those same items?
Amy Poehler: Im not sure I even understand that question.
O.J. Simpson: (cross-eyed) Errrrgh! How can I simplify this for you? Lets say that this lead pencil is mine. I then sell it to you, and five years go by, and then Im in a casino, and it occurs to me that I need that pencil back. Right this minute. So, me and four of my friends kick down your hotel room door to get my pencil back because its mine. What remains unclear?
Amy Poehler: Seth, do you understand this logic?
Seth Meyers: No.
O.J. Simpson: Okay, let me put it to you this way. What happens in Vegas, you must acquit.
Amy Poehler: What, I
O.J. Simpson: If the glove dont fit, stays in Vegas.
Amy Poehler: I think youre mixing up your quotes there, OJ.
O.J. Simpson: (assertively) Oh, am I?
Amy Poehler: O.J. Simpson, everybody.
Seth Meyers: Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84. It turns out that the invisible rope he was pulling was attached to a very real tiger.
Amy Poehler: A man in Boston proposed to his girlfriend by having the phrase will you marry me placed in the Sunday crossword of the Boston globe. This, only six months after he divorced his first wife via word jumble. (Unscrambles Its over, bitch)
_ _ _ IST
_ _ _ _ OVRE
_ _ _ _ _ BTCIH
Dog owners in Wisconsin can now pay $275 dollars to do their various dances with their dogs, like the cha-cha, twist, and rumba. Or, they can pay no dollars, and skip the camp all together.
Seth Meyers: Last week, during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call that he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, That was my wife, reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-11. (pauses). It was Giuliani.
Animal rights activists are campaigning to get a 26-year old chimpanzee legally declared a person. The one remaining obstacle: Its not.
Amy Poehler: Earlier this week, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in New York, where he addressed the United Nations, as well as an audience of students at Columbia University. Though, he answered questions on subjects ranging from Irans support for terrorism to the Holocaust. It was his comments on women and homosexuals that drew the most attention. Here to comment is Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (he comes out). Um, Mr. President, in your country, women are denied many basic human rights, and the government has imposed draconian punishments, including execution on citizens who are homosexuals. Why are you doing this thing?
(Mahmoud speaks a foreign language)
Translator: (translating what Ahmadinejad says) First of all, the things you said are not factual and make no sense. And we dont have homosexuals. That is an American hobby, phenomenon, or hobby. This is in Iran, we love and respect women, more than any other two sexes. When I see a beautiful Iranian woman, the type is to be most attractive, tall, but strong and sharp features. Broad powerful shoulders; a muscular, crippled midsection; narrow hips; tight, almost masculine buttocks; attractive, penis-shaped genitals; or even an actual functioning penis; a prominent Adams apple; the type of woman I am drawn to. Oh, and its also nice if they have a moustache. When I see a woman like this, I give thanks to Allah for the wonder of his creation. Woman. And I say to myself, why would anyone even want to be a homosexual? No, this doesnt happen in my country. No, that is only an American activity or pastime.
Amy Poehler: For more of President Ahmadenijads views on women or homosexuality, read his views in this months Inches Magazine. Thank you so much.
Seth Meyers: This Saturday, the Nickelodeon Cable Network will have three hours of dead air at noon in part of its 4th annual Worldwide Day of Play, which encourages kids to go outside for three hours a year.
Amy Poehler: Nike has created the new Air Native N7, a sneaker designed especially for the wider feet of Native Americans. So, are we cool now?
New research shows that all types of alcohol add equally to the risk of developing breast cancer in women. Though daiquiris will make you feel the most stupidest about it.
Seth Meyers: Police in Staten Island are searching for a ninja burglar, who has robbed 16 homes wearing a ski mask. Not to be confused with the Ski Mask Burglar who has robbed eight homes dressed like a ninja.
George Rieveschl, known for inventing Benadryl, died in Cincinnati at the age of 91. The family ask that you send anything but flowers. (small laugh gets louder as Seth points to audience slowly).
Amy Poehler: Spanish fashion chain Zara has withdrawn a handbag after a customer in Britain complained was embroidered with swastikas. On the bright side, the handbag has been invited to speak at Columbia University.
A woman in Russia gave birth to a 17-pound baby, who was her 12th child. The woman is recovering well, though her vagina has gone into hiding.
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, Im Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: Im Amy Poehler, good night.
Submitted by: Snlfreak92
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
07a: LeBron James / Kanye West
An SNL Digital Short
…..Andy Samberg
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad…..Fred Armisen
…..Adam Levine
…..Jake Gyllenhaal
[ open on Andy Samberg playing piano in the park ]
Andy Samberg:
“They say true love comes only once in a lifetime
And even though we’re from opposite ends of the earth
My heart tells me you’re the one for me
Mahmoud.
I remember when it started, saw you on the news
You were hating gays, I was eating food
But I was feeling you, and even though I disagree with almost everything you said
You ain’t wrong to me, so strong to me, you belong to me
Like a very hairy Jake Gyllenhaal to me
Mahmoud, make my heart beat right out of my chest
My mind says no but my body says yes
Nuclear threat? The only threat I see is the threat of you not coming home with me
Our love for each other’s like when atoms collide
Can’t express how I feel
Ay yo Adam let’s ride.”
Adam Levine:
“And Iran
Iran so far away is your home
But in my heart you’ll stay.”
Andy Samberg:
“He ran for the president of Iran
We ran together to a tropical island
My man, Mahmoud is known for wildin’
Smilin’, if he can still do it then I can
They call you weasel, they say your methods are medieval
You can play the Jews, I can be your Jim Caviezel
S&M, nestlin’ when we’re wrestlin’
You can be the port that I park my vessel in
So I try to mute the TV but you can still see me
With your sleepy brown eyes, butter pecan thighs
And your hairy butt
Yeah.”
Adam Levine:
“And Iran, Iran so far away
Come home and in my arms you’ll stay
Used to look at the stars and dream
Around the world the same stars we’re seeing
And a twinkle in your eyes Mahmoud.”
Andy Samberg:
“Talk smooth to me, without a tie
Your pants high waisted, damn so fly
We can take a trip to the animal zoo
And laugh at all the funny things that animals do
Like Eugene, you got me straight trippin’ boo
Hope you look in my eyes and say I’m trippin’ too
You say Iran don’t have the bomb but they already do
You should know by now, it’s you
It’s you.”
Adam Levine:
“And Iran
Iran so far away is your home
But in my heart you’ll stay.”
Andy Samberg:
“You crazy for this one, Mahmoud
You can deny the Holocaust all you want
But you can’t deny that there’s something between us
I know you say there’s no gays in Iran
But you’re in New York now baby
It’s time to stop hiding and start living
One.”
Submitted by: Monica B.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
07a: LeBron James / Kanye West
Read to Achieve
Written by: Bryan Tucker
Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..LeBron James
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on a sound studio as LeBron James walks in and greets the director ]
Mike: Hey, hey, LeBron! I’m the director — Mike Underballs. [ they shake hands ]
LeBron James: Hey, Mr. Underballs. I’m a HUGE fan.
Mike: [ pleased ] Oh, that’s great. Call me Mike. Yuo ready to do this?
LeBron James: Yeah, let’s go.
Mike: Okay, let’s do a take. NBA, Read to Achieve PSA — take one!
[ Mike takes his seat while LeBron stands in front of the basketball net. The camera zooms back and the set lights go on. ]
Mike: And… action!
[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.
[ he turns to catch an incoming basketball, thrown a little higher than necessary ]
LeBron James: And give it your best shot. [ he jumps up and dunks the baskbetball into the net ]
[ buzzer sounds ]
Mike: Okay. Okay, we were, uh — you were a ltitle high on that pass/
[ Jeff enters the set ]
Jeff: Yeah! That was my bad, Mike – -the ball slipped!
Mike: Come on, Jeff. You know I expect the nbest out of my crew. Let’s get it right this time.
LeBron James: [ to Jeff ] Oh, hey, man, don’t worry about it. Just, uh — hit me right here. [ pats his upper chest ] Right in the chest.
Jeff: [ gives LeBron a curious look ] Yeah, I know how to throw a basketball. Thanks, though. [ takes the basketball from LeBron and frowns in Mike’s direction before exiting the set ]
Mike: Okay. Alright, NBA, Read to Achieve, take two. And… action!
[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time —
[ the basketball is thrown at LeBron with a vengenace, smacking him in the arm ]
LeBron James: Hey! [ runs to grab the basketball ] Hey, man, that’s a little early!
Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! You gotta wait for that cue, buddy.
[ Jeff re-enters the set ]
Jeff: Yeah, sorry about that, Mike. Uh — my mind must be elsewhere, you know? I just bought a new sweater —
Mike: Jeff! I get it! just focus up on this one, alright?
Jeff: Yeah, I hear you, Mike! I guess I thought an NBA player would be a little quicker — that’s all, you know?
LeBron James: I wasn’t even looking!
Jeff: Yeah, whatever excuse works for you, man.
LeBron James: That’s not an excuse —
Jeff: [ with an attitude ] Hey, look, dude — I played high school ball. Point guard!
Mike: Jeff, wrap it up!
Jeff: [ one last lick ] I led the team in an assist!
Mike: Jeff!!
Jeff: [ grabs the basketball ] Hey, Im’ with you, Mike — let’s shoot this puppy! [ exits the set ]
Mike: Okay. NBA, Read to Achieve, take three. And… action!
[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.
[ the basketball flies in and bounces off LeBron’s head ]
LeBron James: Hey!! What’s your problem, man?!!
Mike: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! [ throws his arms up in disgust ] I-I-I-I told you to wait for that cue, man!
[ Jeff re-enters the set ]
Jeff: Hey! He’s supposed to be a professional athlete, Mike! The guy gets paid a million bucks to catch a ball!
LeBron James: You threw it at my damn head, man!
Jeff: Hey, Bron-Bron! Look — the adults are talking here, okay? You’re 22, right? Go sit at the kid’s table and have a juice box!
Mike: Jeeeeeefffff!! This is a PSA for literacy, not an NBA tryout!
Jeff: Hey, I’m with you, Mike! I’m not the one hot-dogging it here!
Mike: Alright, let’s just — let’s just try it again. Alright? NBA, Read to Achieve, take five. And… action!
[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]
LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.
[ a book is tossed into LeBron’s hands ]
LeBron James: What the hell is this?!
Jeff’s VOice: That’s a BOOK!!
Mike: Okay.. okay.. Why did you throw him a book, Jeff?
Jeff: Hey! It’s about literacy, Mike — I’m just trying to mix it up! I got good ideas, TOO, Mike!!
Mike: No one’s arguing wih you, Jeff! You’ve had good ideas for years.. but we need this as written, okay?
LeBron James: Hey, if we’re not gonna do this, I’m gonna get out of here, okay?
Jeff: Hey, it sounds good to me! We should get Dwayne Wayne, anyway! At least he’s got a ring!
LeBron James: [ to Mike ] Yo, man! Yuo either FIRE this guy, or I’m gonna kick his ASS!
Jeff: [ chuckles ] Alright, that’s it, hotshot! Check ball! [ hands the basketball to LeBron and walks to one side ]
LeBron James: You serious?
Jeff: Yeah! Damn right, I’m serious! Let’s go — you and me, one on one!
LeBron James: Mike?
Mike: LeBron.. check the ball. I really want to see this.
[ LeBron checks the ball to Jeff ]
Jeff: Alright. Don’t give me this — I’m a leftie from Kansas. Alright, here we go! [ starts dribbling the ball ] I’m gonna back you down! Now you’re in MY house, little man! Here we go! [ jumps up for a dunk, but LeBron blocks it ] Okay, good D! Good D! [ he backs off ]
Mike: Beat him up, Jeff! Beat him up!
[ LeBron throws the bal lto Jeff, who tosses it right back ]
Jeff: Alright, here you go. Stick it. Stick it.
[ LeBron fakes throwing the ball into the basket, and Jeff falls for it ]
Jeff: Okay, nice move. What do you got? What do you got? where’s it at?
[ LeBron dribbles the ball, then sideswipes Jeff with his shoulder and knocks him to the ground, then makes the slam-dunk ]
LeBron James: [ faces the camera ] Give it your best shot!
Mike: Yeah! Yeah! We got it! [ jumps up and hugs LeBron ] Jeff, you alright?
Jeff: [ jumps up, his nose is bloody ] I’m fine, Mike! Win by two — let’s go! [ grabs the ball from LeBron ] Check it out! Check it out!
[ fade to “Read to Achieve” logo ]
[ fade to black ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
07a: LeBron James / Kanye West
LeBron James’ Monologue
…..LeBron James
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — LeBron James!
LeBron James: Thank you very much! It’s great to be here tonight. My name is LeBron James — [ audience cheers ] and I play basketball for the Cleveland Cavaliers. For those of you who don’t watch basketball, this past season we went to the NBA finals and we swept the San Antonio Spurs in four games. And for those of you who do watch basketball, be cool and shut up. There’s no reason to ruin it for everybody else! [ laughs ] I love being here in New York, but right now I want to say “Hi!” to my family watching back in Akron. Guys — I know you’re all happy for me, and I wish you could be here for me tonight.
[ reveal LeBron’s dad, brother, and baby brother watching his performance at their home in Akron ]
Dad: [ outraged ] Says he wish we were there for him!
Brother: They damn sure don’t pick the hosts — [ pats down his hair ] based on looks.
Baby Brother: [ waking up ] Did I miss anything?
Dad: You didn’t miss nothin’! Just a man onstage tellin’ a BUNCH of lies! How come he won’t call me back?!
Baby Brother: He text-messaged.
Dad: I ain’t text-messagin’ anybody! A phone is supposed to be a phone!
[ Brother’s cell phone rings ]
Brother: [ picks up ] I’m gonna have to call you back, Baby. I’m watching “Saturday Night Live.” I thought they cancelled it after Eddie Murphy, too.
Dad: Be quiet! I wanna see if it’s gonna get any better.
Baby Brother: I think he’s doing great!
Dad: [ defensive ] What do you know?! You’re just a kid! If an old man tells you somethin’ is not good.. then it’s not good! It’s just the way of the world!
[ back at Home Base, LeBron makes a final mark on a chalkboard ]
LeBron James: — And that’s how you fix our health care system. [ smiles ] It’s not that hard! [ audience applauds ] We have a good show for you tonight — Kanye West is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
07a: LeBron James / Kanye West
The Lyle Kane Show
Lyle Kane…..Will Forte
Daniel…..Bill Hader
Tim…..Lebron James
[B.E.T. logo]
Announcer: You’re watching BET. Next up the premiere of The Lyle Kane show.
[Lame flute introduction plays]
[The Lyle Kane Show logo]
[Lyle Kane is a white nerd with cow-licked hair, apolo shirt buttomed all the way up, talks slowly. Hesits in his chair on his talk show]
Lyle Kane: Hi, there. I’m Lyle Kane and this is mytalk show. First of all, I want to thank the blackE.T. channel for taking a chance on Lyle Kane. Just aformer valedictorian trying to make his way in theworld of black entertainment. Hi, there Black E.T.Channel. Thank you, there. I have tried to make thisshow as black as possible to cater to the Black E.T.channel audience. So please, say hello to the blackE.T. “Lyle Kane Show” band.
[Another white nerd with his polo shirt buttomed upplays lame flute sitting on a stool reading a music sheet]
Daniel: Hi, there.
Lyle Kane: Hi, there. Before we get to the guest of myblack E.T. channel show “The Lyle Kane Show” hi there.I have time for a few jokes.[stands] Hey, what do youget when you cross a sweater with a knock-knock who’sthere at the door, a cross between a sweater and aknock-knock sweater?I hardly knew her, sweater Ihardly knew her who? Well, that did not go well.[sitsslowly]My first guest is here. He is standing rightover there behind the wall. It’s only like 20 feetaway. But we have the guest wait there until I calltheir name. And then they walk over here and then wehave a conversation. That’s how we do the show here.Anyway, our first guest is just a guy I met a few daysago. His name is Tim. You in this channel will likehim because he is a black man. Come on. Hi,there.[stands up to greet Tim]
[Lame flute introduction plays]
[Tim is a tall black nerd. Afro parted to the side,tie, vest]
Tim: Hi, there.[Tim sits in Lyle’s chair]
Lyle Kane: Yes, that is—that is my chair there.
Tim: Sorry.[gets up, sits in guest’s chair]
Lyle Kane: Ok, yes. You sit there and I will remain inthe chair that I started the show in. This chair righthere and you should’ve know this. So, Tim…
Tim: Hi, there.
Lyle Kane: Hi, there. How are you there?
Tim: Hi, there.
Lyle Kane: Ok, interesting story. I met Tim the otherday at the bank. He worked there and I was a customer.Tim, what is it like working in a bank?
Tim: It’s good, Lyle.
Lyle Kane: Tim, could you make your answer longer thanthat? Because to be honest, I don’t have any other questions.
Tim: It’s very very very very….very very very very very good, Lyle.
Lyle Kane: Thank you there, Tim. My next guest isDaniel. Hi there, Daniel. Bye there, Tim. Tim can youfill in for Daniel on the flute really quick while Iinterview him?[Daniel gives Tim the flute] Come on.Daniel, walk over there behind the wall where theguests of “The Lyle Kane Show” wait.[Daniel goesbehind the wall] Hi, there. Come on. And wait for myintroduction, it should not be long it is almostcoming, my next guest is the leader of the black E.T.”The Lyle Kane Show” band Daniel. Tim? Tim please playa flute introduction for Daniel. Come on.
[Tim plays very cool jazzy riff on the flute, Danielshakes hands with Lyle and sits down]
Lyle Kane: Hi,there.
Daniel: Hi, there.
Lyle Kane: So Daniel, hi there.
Daniel: Hi, there.
Lyle Kane: How are you there.
Daniel: Hi, there.
Lyle Kane: How are you there, Tim?
Tim: Fine there.
Lyle Kane: Fine over here, Daniel?
Daniel: Fine there.
Lyle Kane: Ok so Daniel…just tell the audience about your job.
Daniel: I play the flute for “The Lyle Kane Show”.
Lyle Kane: So, that’s all the questions I have tonightand that’s all the guests that I have but now the badnews. There is a lot more time in the show so it lookslike we have hit our first snag of the season here on”The Lyle Kane Show”. Hi, there. Sorry, there.
Tim: Uh,Lyle? Maybe this will help. I heards twopeople backstage that had a question for you.
Lyle Kane: Oh, Tim. Thank you there. What was their question?
Tim: There question was what member of the B.E.T.staff did you had to give a b.j. to in order to get the job?
Lyle Kane: His name is Brian Wilber. Well, that’s allthe time we have on the show. Please, tune in to ournext show which I believe is October 7th 2010. Thankyou to Daniel and Tim. Come on, play us out. [Timplays the flute]Bye, there.[to Daniel] You go leavenow, after he’s done with the flute…..
[The Lyle Kane Show logo]
[Lyle keeps giving instructions as the scene fades]
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
07a: LeBron James / Kanye West
High School Musical 3
Announcer…..Bill Hader
Zac Efron…..Andy Samberg
Venessa Anne Hudgens…..Maya Rudolph
New Kid…..LeBron James
Corbin Bleu……Fred Armisen
[super of high school teenagers dancing]
Announcer: Get ready! The most anticipated Disney Channel movie of all time is only a year a way!
[Super of “High School Musical 3: Return of the Seniors]
Announcer: High School Musical 3! Return of the Seniors! With Zac Efron as Troy Bolton.
[pans to Zac about to break out in song]
Zac Efron: [singing] This is my year, gotta dig deep, see clear, make it special, oh oh oh, I’m a senior now, gotta dance dance now.
[goes to footage of teens dancing in front of a school]
Announcer: But, a new kid comes to East High. Does he have the stuff to make the East High basketball team?
[pans to the new kid, and the basketball team]
New Kid: Hey, I heard there was some tryouts for a basketball team in here.
Zac Efron: Yeah, this is where we separate the men from the boys, do you think you’re tough enough to play for East High?
New Kid: I hope so, I’m not a bad basketball player.
Zac Efron: That’s not what I asked.
Corbin Bleu: [swifts head over and back] You tell him, Troy!
Zac Efron: I asked…
[song starts]
Zac Efron: Are you tough enough? Can you sing and dance? Can you give a lot, and take your best shot?
[basketball players start moving their basketballs, as the ones in the back do stunts]
Basketball Players: Take your best shot. Make it happen now. Shake it all around, and take your best shot.
[song ends]
Zac Efron: So, do you think you can cut it as an East side? side Basketball player?
[moves shoulders and heads, as an attempt to be a dance]
New Kid: Yeah, on second thought, I don’t think I wanna get down with what’s going on in here. I think I’m going to leave.
Female voice: Don’t go!
[goes to footage of kids dancing in front of a school]
Announcer: And Venessa Anne Hudgens returns, after a very interesting summer, as Gabriella!
[pans over to Venessa, who is topless, with a huge black censor bar over her breats]
[ballad song starts]
Venessa Anne Hudgens: If you leave here, leaving East High,
[points to her boobs]
Venessa Anne Hudgens: You’ll never get the chance of checkin’ these out!
[camera pans over to the basketball team]
Zac Efron: But you’re my special girl, how could you be with him, when you should be with me, and I should be with you, and you with me, and on and on like that.
[ballad song ends, while heavy rock song starts up]
New Kid: On second thought, I think I’ll stick around. Play a little ball and have sex with your girlfriend, never give up. Break it down.
[basketball players start dancing, while audience starts cheering]
[goes to footage of kids dancing in a cafeteria]
Announcer: The songs are the best yet! And there’s dancing! That’s exactly what you’d expect.
[Super of “High School Musical 3: Return of the Seniors”]
Announcer: High School Musical 3!
[dissolves while there is a few seconds of a pause, before the applause starts]
Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
07a: LeBron James / Kanye West
Goodnights
…..LeBron James
LeBron James: Thanks to Kanye West, and Lorne Michaels, and “SNL”, the crew members — thanks to everybody in here! Thank you!