SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Best of Solid Gold

C. Micah Kring … Kenan Thompson
Mark … Will Forte
Alexander … LeBron James
Darcel … Maya Rudolph
Beverly … Kristen Wiig
Jamilah … Amy Poehler

C. Micah Kring: Hello! I am C. Micah Kring! If you’re like me, from 1980 to 1988, your entire life revolved around the show called “Solid Gold”! If you’re not like me, you were going out with your friends and laughing and having a very good time while I was watching that show. Now, for the third time ever, TimeLife presents The Best of Solid Gold! Re-experience this classic show, and reget the chills you got when you saw it for the first time. Who can forget that exciting Solid Gold intro?

[Solid Gold logo pops up on screen, as the Solid Gold theme starts up]

Announcer: And the Solid Gold dancers! Darcel!

[goes onto screen with Darcel doing arm dances, then turning around to the screen and diving down during a camera close-up]

Announcer: Beverly!

[goes onto screen with Beverly walking like a Barbie, then diving down during a camera close-up]

Announcer: Jamilah!

[goes onto screen with Jamilah running up, and throwing one of her arms up in the air, while the other is on her hip. She then poses during a dramatic close-up]

Announcer: Alexzander!

[audience starts cheering, as Alexzander comes running out flamboyantly, with a dramatic close-up]

Announcer: And Mark!

[Mark comes running out with a kick in the air, and then a close-up]

[Everyone gets up and starts doing synchronized arm dances and movements. They all strike a pose at the end of the song, as the camera pans back to C. Micah Kring]

C. Micah Kring: Ohhh! Oooo! Wooo! Ohhh! Ohh. I still have long interpret dreams that involve that intro. Don’t we all? There was nothing else like it! There was also nothing else like watching the Solid Gold dancers moving slowly to very fast songs.

[pans over to dancers, with Alexzander holding a very big cape to an old 1980s show theme song. He opens the cape, and the other 4 come out slowly dancing and crawling very very slowly. Eventually they all retreat, and Alexzander closes the cape back up. It pans back to C. Micah Kring]

C. Micah Kring: Ohh! At that time we believed that these were the best dancers in the world. Don’t you miss it? You’re probably thinking that I’ve got my moneys’ worth already, but there’s more! As a bonus, you’ll get extras like an extremely rare interview with the Solid Gold dancers!

[pans over to single shots of each dancer during interview clip]

Beverly: [starts twitching violently] Hi! I’m Beverly! I’m 5 foot 6 and weigh 108 pounds! In my spare time I like to make vests!

Jamilah: [starts talking fast, high, and nervously] Hi, I’m Jamilah, I’m 5 foot 6 and weigh… 108 pounds! I like long dressed walks on the beach!

Mark: Hi, I’m Mark! I’m 5 foot 6 and weigh 108 pounds! I like white jeans and Cinemax!

Darcel: Hi, I’m Darcel! I’m 5 foot 6 and weigh 108 pounds! My favorite color is tan and I enjoy bus rides.

Alexzander: Hi, I’m Alexzander, I’m 6 foot 8 and weigh 240 pounds. I like roasted whole turkeys. [smiles at the camera, then snatches smile away, and purses his lips]

[pans back over to C. Micah Kring]

C. Micah Kring: Whoa. That was 1 of only 2 interviews that the Solid Gold Dancers ever gave. [For no reason at all, he starts to get angry] The other interview wasn’t nearly as fun or INFORMATIVE! [calms down] Enjoy as the Solid Gold Dancers sexy shake it to some of the most undancable songs ever written!

[pans over to the dancers dancing to “We Built This City” by Starship. Eventually, they all start to pose before the bridge of the song.]

[pans back over to C. Micah Kring]

C. Micah Kring: [over-acting with laughter] Do I need to say any more?!? If you’re like me, you picked up the phone the moment the word ‘solid’ came out of my mouth! If you’re not like me, then you probably straight, and are not interested in this fantastic offer. So, do me a solid and order Solid Gold today! [claps hands together]

[exterior of the Solid Gold DVD pops up]

Announcer: Available exclusively at Urban outfitters.

[dims]

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Angry Dog

Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Spokesman…..Will Forte
Sportsman…..Jason Sudeikis
Blind Man…..Fred Armisen

[ open on suburban kitchen, two little kids crouched on the floor next to their lethargic pet dog ]

Kids: Mommy! Mommy!

[ Mom comes running ]

Mom: What is it?

Boy: The Ryans’ dog bit Daisy again.

Girl: Daisy didn’t even do anything!

Mom: Daisy, don’t let that mean dog do this to you.

Spokesman: It hurts to see the dog you love picked on and tormented by other dogs. You can’t make it stop, only your dog can — by standing up to the bullies and fighting back. And now, there’s a dog food that can help. Angry Dog. [ holds up the bag, complete with Michael Vick on the package ] Other dog foods may be more nutritious, but Angry Dog has something special. It’s powerful combination of synthetic testoterone and seven psychoactive drugs go right to your dog’s brain like a perfect touchdown pass, leaving it excitable, on-edge, combative, with a defiant chip on its shoulder. And quick to respond with violence to any slight — real or imagined. In short, an attitude that says to the world, “Don’t you DARE f–k with me! Don’t you EVER f–k with me!!”

Angry Dog is formulated for ALL breeds:

[ in the woods, a Sportsman shoots his kill ]

Sporting dogs.

[ his dog runs into a thicket ]

Sportsman: Here, boy!

[ the dog tears apart the kill ]

Spokesman: Working dogs.

[ a German Shephard seeing-eye dog yanks a Blind Man across the street while barking at other pedestrians to get out of his way ]

Blind Man: Good girl!

Spokesman: Performing dogs.

[ two miniature poodles in clown costumes push each other on a wagon while barking manaiacally at one another ]

Spokesman: Or just old, old friends.

[ an old man sits by the fireplace reading, his faithful but ferocious dog at his feet ]

Old Man: Good girl.

[ cut back to the suburban kitchen, “Six weeks later”, as the kids come running in with the pet dog ]

Kids: Mom! Mom!

Mom: Alright, what’s the big news?

Boy: [ teeth marks and scratches all over his face ] Daisy bit the UPS man!

Girl: [ scratch marks on her cheek, gauze over a missing left eye ] And he’s hiding in his truck!

Mom: [ proudly ] Did you do that, Daisy Dog?

[ growls ]

Mom: Oh!

Spokesman: Your dog CAN be a killer. Angry Dog can help.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Great Moments in Guidance Counseling

…..LeBron James
Larry Baines…..Jason Sudeikis
Glenn…..Will Forte

[ open on title on a sheet in a three-ring binder ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of: “Great Moments in Guidance Counseling.”

[ dissolve to close-up of the faculty page in a high school yearbook ]

Narrator: January, 2003. Larry Baines, guidance counselor at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in Akron, Ohio, had a meeting with a student that’s still talked about amongst guidance counselors to this day.

[ dissolve to Mr. Baines’ office, as student LeBron James enters ]

LeBron James: Hi, Mr. Baines.

Larry Baines: [ beaming ] Heeeeyyyy! LeBron! [ they shake hands ] Take a seat, take a seat! [ chuckles as they both sit ] Hey — so, uh, what’d you want to talk to me about?

LeBron James: Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future —

Larry Baines: Good, good, good! Well, you came to the right guy! What’s on your mind?

LeBron James: Well, I’ve been told if I’m cleared for the NBA, I’d be the number-one draft pick.

Larry Baines: [ impressed ] Hey, wow! That’s fantastic news!

LeBron James: But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought now, and I’ve decided I want to go to college.

Larry Baines: [ stunned ] I’m sorry — what?!

LeBron James: [ proudly ] I’m going to go to college!

Larry Baines: Okay, okay — uh — you know, LeBron — college might not be the right path for you, right?

LeBron James: [ confused ] I thought you would be happy?

Larry Baines: Well, you know, LeBron — do you know what a contract in the NBA is worth? You know, I — I mean, it would take one-thousand of me, uh — one-thousand years just to make your signing bonus!

LeBron James: But you’ve always talked about the importance of a college scholarship.

Larry Baines: Okay, alright, well, uh — uh — I mean, do you know who has a college education, LeBron? [ a beat ] I do! [ laughs ] I mean, you know — LOOK at me! My shirt doesn’t have long sleeves — you know, I make my own lunch — you know, I share an office with Glenn —

[ a wide shot suddenly reveals Glenn seated at an adjacent desk ]

Glenn: Don’t say it like that..

Larry Baines: Shut up, Glenn!

LeBron James: But — I’ve always dreamed of getting a diploma.

Larry Baines: What? Oh, you want a diploma? Oh, well, here! [ he stands and pulls his diploma off the wall ] There you go! I’ll sell you mine! POW!! There you go, that’ll be one million dollars! [ laughs ] Now you only have two-hundred million bucks left!

LeBron James: But won’t I be ashamed to work with the people who went to college?

Larry Baines: What? Okay, well, you know how you get over that? You DUNK on ’em! You just take a basketball, you dunk it right on their heads! Then you put your arms up and you say, “I guess they didn’t teach you how to stop LeBron James in college — BITCH!!”

Glenn: Larry! Language.

Larry Baines: Glenn! SHUT UP!! [ turns back to LeBron ] LeBron, listen to me — I drive a ’93 Corolla. Okay? When I go over 50, the glove compartment pops open. Now, I went to college for four years — FOUR years, LeBron. And I have no idea how to make a glove compartment stay shut. So you know what I have to do? I have to take it to a shop, where a fuy — who didn’t go to college — says he can fix it for four-hundred dollars! You know what that makes me want to do, LeBron? It makes me want to og back to my college, and burn it to the ground.

LeBron James: Wow, Mr. Baines.

Larry Baines: Yeah.. yeah. Don’t go to — don’t go to college! No, you don’t know something — just Google it!

LeBron James: [ smiles ] Thanks, Mr. Baines!

Larry Baines: Absolutely! [ LeBron stands ] Get out of here, you knucklehead! Alright! [ laughs ]

[ LeBron exits the office. ]

Glenn: You know, I find that, uh, duct tape does a pretty good job of keeping my glove compartment shut —

Larry Baines: Glenn, I swear to God — I swear to God, Glenn.

[ Larry returns to his work as Glenn just nods in defeat ]

[ quiet fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

An Address from the All-But-Certain-To-Be Next President

Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Presidential seal with modified text ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the all-but-certain-to-be next President of the United States — Hillary Rodham Clinton.

[ dissolve to Bill Clinton sitting in a chair pretending to read a book, as Hillary enters frame ]

Hillary Clinton: Bill?

Bill Clinton: [ feigning surprise ] Oh! I’m sorry. Is this, uh, not a good place to read?

Hillary Clinton: Actually, I was about to start.

Bill Clinton: Okay. Yeah. Sure, of course — of course you were.

[ ever the camera hog, Bill lingers on the edge of the frame until a dirty look from Hillary makes him leave completely ]

Hillary Clinton: [ smiles to the camera ] Good evening, my fellow Americans. A little more than a year from now, you, the American people, will go to the polls and elect me President of the United States. I want you to know I will be humbled and honored by the trust you have placed in me. To my as-yet-undetermined Republican opponent — the candidate I will have defeated — I want to compliment you — whoever you turn out to be — in advance, on running what I am sure will have been an honorable, albeit losing campaign. A campaign in which you, no doubt, have raised important issues. Issues that, unfortunately, will have gone largely unnoticed, since virtually everyone will assume — correctly, as it turns out — that you have no chance in winning.

And now, a word to my seven fellow Democratic candidates for president — thos I am about to defeat for our party’s nomination. I have so admired the pluck and determination all of you have displayed, in what I imagine, for you, must be an awfully discouraging campaign.

[ picture of Barack Obama appears ] You, Barack Obama, with your almost childlike faith in people’s basic decency, and your near total lack of experience in government.

[ picture of Chris Dodd appears ] And you, Chris Dodd, whose campaign fundraising efforts I have worked so hard to sabotage, often with violence or threats of violence.

[ picture of Joe Biden appears ] And you, Joe Biden, with those obvious plugs you seem to think no one notices. They are so very enormous, and so very endearing.

[ picture of Bill Richardson appears ] And you, Bill Richardson, whom I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting, but understand are part Colombian, or Mexican, or something.

[ picture of Mike Gravel appears ] And you, Mike Gravel, you dear, dear crazy old man.

[ picture of John Edwards appears ] And you, John Edwards, you phony, two-faced, ambulance-chasing little rat bastard.

[ picture of Dennis Kucinich appears ] And finally — my sweet, teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy miniature friend, Dennis Kucinich. Somehow, I think I’ll miss you most of all.

Now, in 2016, when I will have completed my second term as President, and will, thus, be ineligible to run again — unless, of course, the laws change. And it really is a strange law. [ laughs ]

Bill Clinton: [ jumps in ] I totally agree! That law makes absolutely no sense in the 21st Century!

Hillary Clinton: Bill.

Bill Clinton: What? I’m agreeing! [ waves to the camera ] Hey.

Hillary Clinton: In any case — in any case, should I be unable to run again in 2016, and should one or all of you, my former fellow candidates, then decide to make a second — this time, more realistic bid at the White House — well, I think that would be just super! Who knows? 2016 could finally be your year to shine. And I believe that any one of you would make a very, very good president. I really do! And, should that happen, know that Bill and I will be pulling for you, from our new positions as, respectively, the United Nations Secretary General and Pope. Watching fondly as you finally spread your wings and fly. But that’s 2016. Should I not have an opportunity to speak with any of you before then, I wish you al the best. And, rest assured, each of you, plus one guest, will have a seat in the rear of the grandstand at my 2009 and 2013 inaugurals. Seats which I hope, but cannot absolutely guarantee, will not be obstructed by a column.

God bless you all, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

106 & Park

Rocsi…..Maya Rudolph
Terrence…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kanye West
Dakota Fanning…..Amy Poehler
Drake…..Will Forte
Josh…..Jason Sudeikis
Presenter…..Bill Hader
George F. Smoot…..John Lutz
Mayor…..Will Forte
…..LeBron James
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on the “106 & Park” logo and graphics ]

[ dissolve to Terrence, Rocsi, and Kanye West on the set ]

Rocsi: Alright, alright, alright! Welcome back to “106 & Park”! I’m Rocsi — this is Terrence — and we’re here with Kanye West! [ audience cheers ] Alright. So, Kanye, we were talking earlier about some of the bad press you received for your behavior at awards shows.

Kanye West: Yeah?

Terrence: Well, you famously took the stage and protested the 2006 European Music Awards, and, at the VMA’s this year, cameras caught you backstage visibly upset that you hadn’t won.

Kanye West: Yeah?

Rocsi: So how do you defend yourself from claims that you’re a poor loser and a crybaby?

Kanye West: I mean — I’m not here to defend myself! I mean, it’s no offense to the other artists, but I’m just passionate about my music, and, really, those are just isolated incidents, and they — they’ve just been blown way out of proportion!

Terrence: [ scoffs ] Okay. BUt what about your appearance at the Kid’s Choice Awards this year?

Kanye West: I mean — I mean, that was NOTHIN’, dawg!

Rocsi: Alright, well, let’s show that clip.

[ dissolve to Dakota Fanning standing onstage at the Kid’s Choice Awards ]

Dakota Fanning: It’s so weird that they asked me, Dakota Fanning, to present the award for Best TV Show — because I don’t even OWN a TV! And the Kid’s Choice Award for Best TV Show is — [ opens the envelope ] “Drake & Josh”!

[ Drake & Josh step forward to claim their award. But so does Kanye West. ]

Kanye West: Hell, no! Aw, hell — yo! No disrespect, man, like — I don’t even — I haven’t seen your show, I don’t even WATCH Nickolodeon! But.. HOW.. the hell.. they not gonna give a Kid’s Choice Award to Kanye West?! How Kid’s gonna be taken seriously if they keep making bad choices?! I used to believe children were our future — but F–K that!!

[ Kanye grabs the award from Drake & Josh, then exits the stage ]

[ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Terrence: I — I don’t know. You seemed upset, Kanye.

Kanye West: I mean — I really deserved that Kid’s Choice Award!

Terrence: But it was for Best TV Show. You don’t have a TV show.

Kanye West: I AM the greatest show on Earth! And I want to apologize for that.

Rocsi: Okay. But do you think you’re the best scientist on Earth?

Kanye West: I mean — perhaps. You know, it’s not about the — the Nobel Peace Prize!

Terrence: Yeah, let’s roll the clip.

[ dissolve to the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony ]

Presenter: It is my.. distinct honor to present the Nobel Prize for Physics to John C. Mather and George F. Smoot.. for their discoveries in the cosmic microwave bac —

[ Suddenly, Kanye West jumps onstage ]

Kanye West: Oh, HELL no!! Who’s picking this, man?! How the hell the Nobel Pace Prize for PHYSICS gonna go to ANYBODY but me?! That’s ridiculous! My album went Gold in a day, babe! My album went Gold in a DAY!! [ to the two scientists ] I ain’t heard of NONE of y’all theories! But if the Nobel Peace Prize isn’t going to ME.. the Nobel Peace Prize LOSES.. credibi — [ a spliced-in expletice is bleeped out ]

[ Kanye runs off the stage ]

[ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Rocsi: Wow. So what happened there, Kanye?

Kanye West: I mean — you can’t trust the media. They edited that to make me look bad!

Terrence: Alright. Well, how do you explain your behavior at the Thistle Down County Fair last week?

Kanye West: I mean — I — I ain’t gonna hurt — that’s just wrongness!

Rocsi: Well, there was actually a camera there.

Kanye West: That’s freakin’ cameras!

Rocsi: Take a look at the tape!

[ dissolve to the NThistle Down County Fair ]

Mayor: And the Blue ribbon for Best Pumpkin goes to little Abigail Winters. [ hands the ribbon to the ltitle girl ] How old old are you, Abigail?

Little Girl: I’m eight years old.

Kanye West: Oh, heeeeellll no! [ he runs in carrying a pumpkin under his arms ] I got the best pumpkin! This pumpkin cost a MILLION dollars, man! [ hands it to the Mayor and lifts the top off ] It’s got champagne in it! How I lose to a eight year old?! [ grabs the ltitle girls’ ribbon ] You got a lot of years — you got a lot of years you can win this! I been doing this too long, man! I been doing this too long!

[ Kanye runs away from the scene ]

[ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Terrence: Wow. Damn, That’s pretty uncool, Kanye.

Kanye West: I mean — anybody with a trained eye can see that that was done with, uhh — computers. And, uhh — they CSI’ed me!

Terrence: You mean, CGI?

Kanye West: I mean, it doesn’t matter! I wasn’t there!

Terrence: Yes, but were you backstage at “Saturday Night Live” this weekend?

Kanye West: Of course I was!

Rocsi: Then, can you explain this?

[ dissolve to Kanye West frantically pacing in his dressing room at “Saturday Night Live” ]

Kanye West: Man, HOW they gonna have me on “Saturday Night Live” and I ain’t gonna host, man?! Seriously, man?! How they gonna have LeBron James over ME, man?! I’m TEN times the performer, man! Man, give a black man — give a SHORT black man a chance, man! [ he starts cursing about Lorne Michaels and throws furniture around his dressing room ]

[ pan across to reveal LeBron James and Lorne Michaels standing in the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: I’m sure he’s talking about a different LeBron James.

LeBron James: Uh — and Im’ sure he’s talking about a different Lorne Michaels.

Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] No. There’s — there’s only one Lorne Michaels.

[ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Terrence: Uh — Kanye? Did you say those things?

Kanye West: [ almost speechless ] I — I wouldn’t trust the media!

Rocsi: Okay, well, we’re gonna take a little break, and wehen w come back on “106 & Park”, more screamiiiiiiiinggg!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

September 29th, 2007

LeBron James

Kanye West

None

Jake Gyllenhaal

Adam Levine

Lorne Michaels

John Lutz

An Address from the All-But-Certain-To-Be Next PresidentSummary: Smugly anticipating her party’s nomination and two-term election victory, Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) advances her acceptance speech.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

MontageNote: Amy Winehouse was originally scheduled as musical guest, but cancelled this and many other scheduled appearances late in the summer.

Note: Don Pardo’s microphone was turned low for most of the montage, and the technician who adjusted it can be heard talking.

LeBron James’ MonologueSummary: In a parody of his Nike commercial, LeBron James’ family members (LeBron James) critique his performance while watching “Saturday Night Live” at home.

Bio: LeBron James (1984-). Basketball player; small forward of the Cleveland Cavaliers; nicknamed “The Chosen One” by Sports Illustrated while still in high school.

Transcript

Angry DogSummary: The high-energy dog food that will transform any family pet into a canine killing machine.

Transcript

PenelopeSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups LeBron James during a date auction for the Children’s Hope Foundation.

Recurring Characters: Penelope.

High School Musical 3Summary: New student (LeBron James) on the basketball team is unwilling to join in on the singing until he realizes that it will enable him to get extra-friendly with a naked Gabriella Montez (Maya Rudolph).

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Iran So Far”, Andy Samberg performs an ode to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) with backing vocals by Jake Gyllenhaal and Adam Levine.

Recurring Characters: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Transcript

Read to AchieveSummary: LeBron James’ attempts to star in a literacy PSA directed by Mike Underballs (Bill Hader) is interrupted by stagehand Jeff’s (Jason Sudeikis) antics.

Recurring Characters: Mike Underballs, Jeff.

Transcript

The Lyle Kane ShowSummary: Slow-witted white guy Lyle Kane (Will Forte) awkwardly hosts his own show on Black Entertainment Television.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Kane.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “Stronger/Good Life”First Performed: 05a.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: O.J. Simpson (Kenan Thompson) daftly explains his logic in stealing memorabilia that no longer belongs to him. Via translator (Maya Rudolph), Mahmoud Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) explains in great detail why homosexuality doesn’t exist in Iran.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson, Mahmoud Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Transcript

Best of Solid GoldSummary: C. Micah Kring (Kenan Thompson) gushes over Time-Life’s new Best of Solid Gold collection which focuses on those Solid Gold Dancers (Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, Will Forte, LeBron James).

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Following an extended absence, Rob Smigel brings back “The Ambigously Gay Duo.” In tonight’s episode, Big Head and Dr. Brainio host a fake barbecue with the hopes of framing Ace and Gary for a Port-o-Potty version of the Senator Craig scandal.

106 & ParkSummary: Terrence (Kenan Thompson) and Roxie (Maya Rudolph) question Kanye West about controversial awards show incidents he was recently involved in.

Recurring Characters: Dakota Fanning.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “Champion/Everything I Am”

Great Moments in Guidance CounselingSummary: In high school, LeBron James’ plans to go to college are scoffed at by the guidance counselor (Jason Sudeikis) who better advises he accept an NBA contract because college is for losers.

Note: Major camera snafus when Jason Sudeikis pulls his diploma from the wall. The camera shot turns black, then comes back on Will Forte with Sudeikis’ actions visible only in shadow behind Forte’s head.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Veritas Ultrasound HDSummary: The high-tech ultrasound that features picture-in-picture technology that will bring tears to a new dad’s eyes.

Note: This ad parody will air on next week’s live broadcast.

MattressSummary: An angry customer (Jason Sudeikis) returns his Sealy Posturepedic mattress when it doesn’t contour to his shape.

LeBron’s EntourageSummary: LeBron James’ date (Amy Poehler) is discombobulated by the presence of his entourage (Kenan Thompson, Fred Armisen, Bill Hader) while they have dinner together.

Notre Dame Football on NBCNote: This ad parody will finally air on the episode hosted by Jon Bon Jovi.

SabotageSummary: Sabotage at the dentist’s office.

Old DaysSummary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.

History’s Greatest Stories

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: 2006-2007




The Best of ’06/’07 on DVD

Starring:

Fred Armisen

Will Forte

Bill Hader

Darrell Hammond

Seth Meyers

Amy Poehler

Maya Rudolph

Andy Samberg

Jason Sudeikis

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

Writers:

Doug Abeles

James Anderson

Alex Baze

Jim Downey

Charlie Grandy

Steve Higgins

Colin Jost

Erik Kenward

John Lutz

Seth Meyers

Lorne Michaels

Matt Murray

Paula Pell

Marika Sawyer

Akiva Schaffer

Robert Smigel

John Solomon

Emily Spivey

Andrew Steele

Jorma Taccone

Bryan Tucker

Episodes

09/30/06: Dane Cook / The Killers

10/07/06: Jaime Pressly / Corinne Bailey Rae

10/21/06: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

10/28/06: Hugh Laurie / Beck

11/11/06: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

11/18/06: Ludacris

12/02/06: Matthew Fox / Tenacious D

12/09/06: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

12/16/06: Justin Timberlake

01/13/07: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

01/20/07: Jeremy Piven / AFI

02/03/07: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

02/10/07: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

02/24/07: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire

03/17/07: Julia Louis Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

03/24/07: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

04/14/07: Shia LaBeouf / Avril Lavigne

04/21/07: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork

05/12/07: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

05/19/07: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Summary“Saturday Night Live” returned for its thirty-second season at the heels of a $10 million budget cut, not to mention the dual announcement that not only would no new cast members be hired, but three others would be relieved of their performance duties.

Head writer Tina Fey and long-time cast member Rachel Dratch departed “SNL” to star in the prime-time series “30 Rock”, which poked fun at the behind-the-scenes humor of an “SNL”-like sketch comedy show.

After much speculation by viewers, cast members Horatio Sanz and Finesse Mitchell were finally let go, as was Chris Parnell for the second time this century.

Seth Meyers moved up the ranks to be become the new head writer (with Paula Pell and Andrew Steele as his co-horts) and Amy Poehler’s co-anchor on “Weekend Update.”

Finally, Don Roy King took over as director.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

La Rivista Della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci

Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader
…..Zach Braff
Show’s Director….Fred Armisen
Assistant….Will Forte

Caption: RAI

Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista dellaTelevisione e con Vinny Vedecci.

[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson,Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in hiswhite suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket overhis shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posingwith a lit cigarrette and winks at the camera]

Vinny Vedecci V/O: Ragazze, regazze a tempo de ver LaRivista della Televisione con mio Vinny Vedecci!!

[Vinny is sitting at a table smoking and having agreat time. An ashtray is in front of him overflowingwith smoking cigarrettes.]

Vinny Vedecci: Hey!, bisioso!, bisioso! he, he, he,Vinny Vedecci con sipio he, he, he. Eta notte conocerolo ranto della cinema americano conocendo arabande”The Ex” comparto “Scrubs” conderasantes, Zach Braff!!

[TV star Zach Braff enters, shakes hands with Vinny,sits down with him.]

Vinny Vedecci: Hey!, hey!, hey! Zach Braff! hey!, Zach Braff!, hey!

Zach Braff: Thank you, thank you. Very excited to be here.

Vinny Vedecci: Zach Braff, hey,hey. Zach Braff.

Zach Braff: Yes.

Vinny Vedecci: Ay, sito comparto eh, american cinema[more rapid italian dialect] compuso “Garden State” e”Scrub” eh, della televisione, diso compartes?

[Zach is lost]

Zach Braff: I’m sorry. I, I, I don’t speak Italian.

Vinny Vedecci: Eh?

Zach Braff: I don’t speak Italian. I was told there be some english, I…

[Vinny looks mad. He complains loudly in Italian tohis show’s director and assistant. The show’s directorand his assistant are both eating spaguettis besidesthe camera. The director with his earpiece looks madtoo, his assistant eats like nothing is happenning]

Show’s Director: Vincenzo, per favore!!![more loudItalian arguing, throws his fork with pasta into hisplate. Vinny is Italian mad] ….toccino, eh?

Vinny Vedecci: Toccino? Ha!, ha!, ha! Toccino! he!,he! he! [His director laughs with Vinny, their littleinside joke] Brrrr!! Toccino! He, he, he. Zach Braff.

Zach Braff: Yes, sir.

Vinny Vedecci: Conocerendo, conocendo Manhattan Murder Mystery? Heh?

Zach Braff: Oh, yes! Actually, Manhattan MurderMystery was my very first movie.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, carasere, misteriando, carasere”Columbo”, eh? Peter Falk, eh?

Zach Braff: No,no,no. Peter Falk is not in that movie.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, “Columbo”, “Columbo”, oh, “Columbo”e impressione, impressione, “Columbo”[A perfectimpression of Peter Falk’s “Columbo”] “One more thinglittle lady, if you never been to Mexico before thenwhat’s that sombrero doing in the backseat of your car!”

[Applause, Vinny smiles big]

Zach Braff: That’s great. That’s really great. It hasabsolutely nothing to do with Manhattan Murder Mysterybut it’s a very good impression.

Vinny Vedecci: Grazie, grazie, grazie. Zach Braff,Zach Braff, grazie. Zach Braff[more italian] ….a clip? Clip?

Zach Braff: Clip, I understand! Yes, I brought a clip.

Vinny Vedecci: Clip, clip on “Scrub”!

Zach Braff: Yes, sir.

[Cut to a clip of the series “Scrubs”. Zach’scharacter talks to the black chick and the blond chickof the show in a deep,grave dubbed italian voice. Thegirls are dubbed in Italian too. The music is dramaticin tone. A monkey wearing a busboy outfit runs around,they all speak in deep, desperate dubbed Italianvoices. Monkey bangs hand into the glass window, scenefreezes. Clip ends devoid of color and with a sting of dramatic music]

[Returns to studio. Zach looks confused]

Vinny Vedecci: Oooh!, molto dramatico! Si, serabandes!

[Show’s Director is crying in his spaguetti. Assistant cries but keeps eating]

Show’s Director: Cosa triste es “Scrubs”!

Zach Braff: I’m sorry, is “Scrubs” a drama in this country?

Vinny Vedecci: No drama. Number one drama!!

Zach Braff: No, I’m sorry but “Scrubs” is a comedy.

Vinny Vedecci: Comedy? Eh, not that funny.

Zach Braff: Is there a translator here? Maybe someone I can talk to?

[From under the table 2 crude puppets appear. Italian tarantella plays.]

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, oh. E senda coccino cavalle[more italian] Zach Braff!

[Puppet talks to Zach in a playful way.]

Puppet: [italian dialect] …oh dio, Zach Braff.

Vinny Vedecci: [playfully] Oh, oh Zach Braff, mea coccino….

Zach Braff: I’m not really sure what I’m supposed todo here.[to puppet] Hi, how are you?

Puppet: Mi primo dembarco, per favore?

Vinny Vedecci: She…wants…a kiss.

Zach Braff: A kiss? Ok, I can…I’ll give her a kiss.

[Zach leans in to kiss the puppet and suddenly thepuppet vomits on his face. Zach wipes vomit from hisface. He is not amused]

Vinny Vedecci: Ha!, ha!, ha! Zach Braff!! She vomit!!In your face!!!

[Vinny laughs wildly, director laughs, assistant eats,3 other tv crew members laugh and smoke cigarrettes]

Zach Braff: Very funny. That’s really funny.

Vinny Vedecci: Classico!, classico![imitates the vomitin the face] Blaaaah!!!! Oh, Zach Braff….ooohh[moreitalian. Vinny touches his watch indicating they areout of time] …so sorry Karate Gorilla.

[A man in a gorilla suit dressed in kimono and asianheadband looks mad that he will not make it in the show]

Vinny Vedecci: Grazie, Zach Braff. Of course-a VinnyVedecci. Good night, good night. [waves bye-bye]

Logo appears: La Rivista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci.

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20


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06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Aunt Linda…..Kristen Wiig
Sam Waterson…..Fred Armisen
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

Lt. General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon’s director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room yelling “Not It!”

The average national price of a gallon hit an all time record high of three dollars and fifteen cents this week. Meaning that where ever you’re going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car.

As part of a new immigration reform bill, illegal immigrants would get immediate legal status by paying a fee of 5,000 dollars. So, it looks like that jet ski will have to wait until next year, Horhey.

Seth Meyers: During a concert of the Virginia Symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, president Bush briefly took over the orchestra, which explains why the orchestra is now 4 trillion dollars in debt.

The New York Police Department is deploying 10 segway scooters this week to patrol on pathways and parks in an effort to increase murder.

Amy Poehler: [murmurs] Clapping for murder. Well summer’s just around the corner and that means this year’s biggest movies are on the way. Here with her take on some of these films, is my Aunt Linda.

[Aunt Linda scoots out on a rolling chair]

Aunt Linda: [looking at a person off stage] I can push myself! And leave my purse where I can see it! [turns head forward]

Amy Poehler: Okay, hi, aunt Linda. Welcome back.

Aunt Linda: Hello, Amy. Hello, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Hi aunt Linda, you actually sound like you’re in a good mood.

Aunt Linda: Well, its spring so I’m happy. Isn’t that obvious? [rolls her eyes]

Amy Poehler: Okay, well, I heard there were a lot of good movies coming out.

Aunt Linda: You whaaaat? Well, I guess if you like sequels.For instance, another Pirates of the Caribbean?!? Well, I’ll see this one with two eye patches on. I’ll give this one a “Thar she blows”! And guess how many oceans they’ve made now!

Amy Poehler: Wait, what?

Aunt Linda: Oceans Thirteen! Did the first 12 do that well? Well, if they’re anything like the last 2, I give this one 13 “ghaas” and a “puhhhleez”. And of course, the highly anticipated Rush Hour 3. [rolls eyes]

Amy Poehler: Oh, yeah, that’s the one with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan.

Aunt Linda: Yes, Amy, the infamous ethnic comedy duo have teamed up again. Well just from trailer, I give this movie a review that both its stars should appreciate: An “Oh no you didn’t” and a “De jong”.

Amy Poehler: De jong? What does that mean?

Aunt Linda: It’s Chinese for “oh brother”.

Amy Poehler: This has been uplifting, thank you so much, aunt Linda!

Aunt Linda: Yes, [looks back stage again] hand me my purse! [scoots away]

Amy Poehler: Aunt Linda, everybody!

Seth Meyers: For the second consecutive year, Miami has been named the city with the worst road rage. They hope to solve this next year with more cocaine and louder salsa music.

Amy Poehler: A new bird called the Gorgorded puffleg which is a blue and green throated humming bird was discovered in a cloud forest in Columbia… though still nothing on Bin Ladin.

Hundreds of girls stood in a line, Monday, in Manhattan, to audition for a role in the upcoming American Girl movie, which stars Abigail Breslin and nobody who stood in a line.

Seth Meyers: Fire Fighters in Alaska were called in to lift a 7,500 pound elephant that had laid down and refused to get up, because if there is one thing fire fighters know about, it’s elephants.

Amy Poehler: Sesame Workshop, the creators of Sesame Street, are in talks with Northern Ireland to bring the show up there. Producers have already made a new character for the show, called “Drink You Under the Table Elmo” [murmurs] I look forward to that.

NBC announced Monday, it will once again renew its long running drama series, Law & Order, which as near as I can tell, is about a kindly old grand-father who teaches cynicism to a series of super-models.

Seth Meyers: [looking the opposite direction of Amy] Oh oh, oh oh!

Amy Poehler: [whispers] What?!

Seth Meyers: [still looking the opposite direction of Amy] Sam Waterson is standing right behind you.

Amy Poehler: What? No! Damn it! No!

Sam Waterson: How dare you, Amy? How can you defend that joke? It’s out of order! And I object! Testimony! 9-1-1! [Law & Order noise sounds as Sam Waterson walks away]

Seth Meyers: Porn star, Janet Jamison, this week, endorsed Hillary Clinton, for three hot hours.

Amy Poehler: Candy Spelling, Tori Spelling’s mother, posted a letter to Paris Hilton on the internet, warning her to change her ways, and that she is not as truly entitled as her money implies. Ahhh white wine! Helping old ladies embarrass them selves for centuries!

ABC this week, announced to launch a sitcom, based on the cavemen characters from the well-known Geico commercials. Not to be out done, NBC is introducing their new drama, 1-800-mattress.

Seth Meyers: Indiana’s Putnamville correctional facility has created a program where in-mates care for retired race horses at a prison farm, and this just in, the prisoners have escaped on the race horses.

A judge has ruled that a German sex shop must pay over 67,000 dollars each for using their names on vibrators with out permission. Good news for Auto Van Dildo.

Amy Poehler: A new study reveals that?

Whitney Houston: [off stage] Ohhhhhh!

Amy Poehler: Oh oh who is this?

Seth Meyers: Oh boy.

Whitney Houston: [walking on stage] Ohhhhh!

Amy Poehler: Oh, look everyone, it’s famous singer and recording artist, Whitney Houston!

Whitney Houston: Ohh, thank you!

Amy Poehler: Oh, what a surprise!

Whitney Houston: Oh oh oh! Amy Poehler everybody, can I get a what-what?! Alright!

Amy Poehler: Mrs. Houston, now who let you in, and what brings you by the Update desk?

Whitney Houston: I don’t know! I just wanted to stop by and wish my old pals a very happy summer time!

Amy Poehler: Okay, so what are you doing for the summer, Mrs. Houston?

Whitney Houston: Funny, you should ask, Ms. Meyers! First, I am going to lay by the pool, Seth Meyers, and drink down lots of peanut cool lalas! I am not however, going to drink a bottle of bandasolay just because it smells like bananas! [takes her glasses off] Bobby Brown dared me to do it! I’m going to get you Bobby B!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, we heard that he was suing you actually.

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Whitney Houston: Oh, you did?

Amy Poehler: Yeah

Seth Meyers: Yeah

Whitney Houston: Ha ha ha! I am laughing but this is not funny! Your door bell is going to ring, Bobby B! And your going to open your door to find a burning bag of doggy doody! And you’re gonna stomp it out! Alright! [starts dancing backwards]

Amy Poehler: Okay. Wow! She’s going all the way back! Mrs. Houston, you brought us something, what did you bring us?

Whitney Houston: Oh I did! Some baked goods! A family secret recipe, for summertime! It’s brownies! [stands up, and walks in the middle of Seth and Amy] But don’t eat them until after the show!

Seth Meyers: Why? Are they pot brownies?

Whitney Houston: No! They’re cocaine brownies! Momma has already had 16 of them! [starts dancing again]

Amy Poehler: Wow there she goes again! Whitney Houston, everybody!

[Whitney Houston walks off stage]

Seth Meyers: From Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

[Whitney Houston runs back on stage and climbs on Seth, and Amy follows, as Weekend Update fades]

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

An SNL Digital Short

Owner…..Zach Braff
Renter…..Andy Samberg
Dog…..Bill Hader

[Graphic Reads SNL Digital Short]

[Fade in: A New York City Apartment]

Owner: So this is the place. It’s, uh, pretty much how I described it on Craig’s List. The sublet would be for like 3 or 4 months.

Renter: Cool. It looks great.

Owner: Thanks. Oh, obviously the furniture would stay, ’cause I’ll be back, um….

Renter: Right.

[Owner cell phone rings]

Owner: I gotta grab this. Would you mind having a seat? I’ll be right back out.

Renter: Oh, sure.

Owner: Cool. [into phone while walking into other room] Hello?

[Renter sits down on couch and a dog. Rufus, comes into the room]

Renter: Hey, Buddy.

Dog: Hey there.

[Renter looks around for another person]

Dog: Don’t look around, it was me. The dog.

Renter: You can talk!

Dog: Yeah, I can talk; and I’ve got something to say.

Renter: What?

Dog: I love you!

Renter: Wha- This is crazy. You don’t even know me.

Dog: Well, let’s change that.

[Renter and dog exchange flirty glances before the dog walks over to the couch and lean up to kiss renter. Before they kiss, the Owner walks back into the room]

Owner: Sorry about that-

Renter: [almost caught in the act] What?

Owner: Were you about to kiss my dog?

Renter: No, I-, I just-, had to cough.

Owner: Oh, okay. I’m sorry. Uh, where were we… rent, which includes utilities, that’s awesome- [cell phone rings again] I gotta get this again, I’m sorry. I’ll be right back. [into phone while leaving room] Hello?

Dog: That was close.

Renter: This is wrong. I can’t do this.

Dog: Of course you can. Cigarette? [dog hands renter a cigarette and holds up a match lighting the cigarette]

Renter: Thanks.

Dog: Quick, go to the fridge and get me a plate full of ham.

Renter: Okay. [starts to get up] Wait a minute. Has this whole thing just been about you tricking me into getting you ham? [dog stares back without answering] HAS IT?

Dog: Nooo?

Renter: You used me!

[Owner re-enters room, knowing now that something has been going on]

Owner: Okay, what is going on here?

Renter: [sadly] Nothing.

Owner: Oh, no. Did my dog seduce you and try to get you to give him some ham?

Renter: Your dog is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Owner: Damnit, Rufus! Bad dog! Bad dog! [dog sits down in middle of room]

Renter: I’m leaving.

Dog: Wait! Did this start about me wanting some ham? Yes. Did it turn into something else? You bet it did. So you can walk out that door or we can give this a shot. Owner, you’re a good man, but I can’t fight love.

Owner: Then go to him. [after a beat] Come on, boy! Go to him. Go to him!

[while Moment Like This by Kelly Clarkson plays in the background, the dog goes over in slow motion to the renter and start making out as The End flashes onto the screen]

Submitted by: Kevin M. Pitts

SNL Transcripts