SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Swimming Lesson

Doug Frangelo….John C. Reilly
Terry James….Will Forte
Guy on the bench….Andy Samberg

[Opens with a guy in a red cap,goggles and a robe on apublic swimming pool. There’s a guy on a benchtoweling off]

Terry James: Excuse me. I’m looking for Doug Frangelo.I’m supposed to get a swimming lesson from him andhe’s supposedly the best in the world. Do you knowwhere I can find him?

: Let’s see….

[A blond, moustached guy appears wearing nothing but ablue speedo and yellow sort of girdle-life jacket,yellow wristbands. He is out of shape but he shows offand stretches anyway]

Terry James: Never mind. I think I just found him. Dough Frangelo?

Doug Frangelo: Who wants to know?

Terry James: I’m Terry James. We talked on the phone.

Doug Frangelo: Oh, yeah. You’re the guy who wants togo for the gold in Beijing.

Terry James: I know. It’s crazy, right? An average Joewith no swimming experience wants to compete in theOlympics. What have I been smoking, right?

Doug Frangelo: You’ve been smoking dream dust. AndDoug Frangelo is about to turn it into reality dust.Ok? So are you ready to go? Ok, let’s take off thatrobe. You heard me.

Terry James: I got to be honest, Doug. I’m a littleintimidated. I mean, my God! Look at your body.

[Doug shows off his flabby physique, stretching, bending]

Doug Frangelo: It really is something, isn’t it? Now drop that robe.

[Terry disrobes, he is slimmer than Doug but soft too. Multicolor speedo, Doug examines Terry’s body and pats him in the ass]

Doug Frangelo: You have a great, great, great body for swimming!

Terry James: I’m sure you say that to everyone.

Doug Frangelo: No, I don’t. I have never, ever saidthat to anyone. Except for my wife. 1948 goldmedalist, Greta Anderson.

Terry James: 1948? That’s quite an age difference.

Doug Frangelo: Age is just a number. Besides, the mostimportant number in our relationship is 69. You knowwhat I’m getting at?

Terry James: I think so.

Doug Frangelo: You know that term, “If there’s grasson the field then play ball”.

Terry James: Sure.

Doug Frangelo: Well, there’s still grass on that fieldand I intend to play ball until the person that that grass is on is dead.

Terry James: Good for you.

Doug Frangelo: Now, let’s get you strapped in.

Terry James: Strapped in?

Doug Frangelo: Are you questioning me?

Terry James: No.

Doug Frangelo: Strap in!!

[Terry turns around and puts his back pressed tightagainst Doug’s chest. Doug straps him in to his girdleand locks Terry’s wrists to his yellow wristbands]

Doug Frangelo: Now, let’s walk it out a little bit,let’s walk out. Just move a little.[They walk aroundthe edge of the pool together]Let me get to know yourmuscles. All right. I like what I’m feeling. Do youlike what you’re feeling?

Terry James: I guess.

Doug Frangelo: Ok, buddy. You ready to do some swimming?

Terry James: Sure.

Doug Frangelo: This is called the crawl stroke. AKAfreestyle. Get to know it. This is gonna be your bestfriend. All right, there you.[They move their strappedin arms as if swimming freestyle together]Um, yes.Good job. He likes you.

Terry James: Who likes me?

Doug Frangelo: The crawl stroke. Oh, yeah. Rightthere. Good swing.

Terry James: Don’t we need to get into the pool?

Doug Frangelo: No, no. Before I take a ship out to seaI like to dry-dock it for a little bit and check outthe hull. Ok, let’s shift to butterfly, ok? The motionof the butterfly in like shutting your car trunk. So,let’s go! Shut that car trunk.[They make the motion ofthe butterfly together] Wham! Yeah! Shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly],shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly],shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly] Yeah, you’re doinggreat. Hey, did a little butterfly just fly into theroom and attached himself to me? Seriously, you’redoing great! If the swimming thing doesn’t pan out Ithink you can make a fortune as a car trunk shutter!Yeah, now before we move on to the next stroke….giveme a second I just gotta adjust my penis.

Terry James:[Terry wiggles around]Wait, wait, wait.

Doug Frangelo: Listen, buddy.[on his ear] Thanks for the assist.

Terry James: I just…I don’t know if this is workingout, I thought I was gonna get more pool time than this.

Doug Frangelo: Terry, you’ll get plenty of pool timeafter you mastered the land fundamentals.

Terry James: And when will that be?

Doug Frangelo: Like 2 or 3 years tops.

Terry James: Ok, that’s it. I quit!

Doug Frangelo: Nobody is quitting on my watch!

Terry James: Let me go!

[Grunting and panting, they struggle, Doug from behindtries to overpower Terry]

Doug Frangelo: Come here you! Hold on! If you fight isgoing to get tighter, it’s like a Gordian knot![Terryis losing strenght]There you go. Is the fight out ofyou yet?!![Terry is spread eagle while standing upagainst Doug body]You know who you remind me of right now?

Terry James: Who?

Doug Frangelo: Amanda Beard. She thought land trainingwas stupid too until it landed her a gold medal.

Terry James: You trained Amanda Beard?

Doug Frangelo: No, no. You ready to do this?

Terry James: Let’s DO IT!!!

Announcer: Thus beganthe first leg of the greatest story in swimminghistory.[Doug and Terry do bunny rabbit jumps togetheracross the screen]Exactly one year later, Terryfinally hit the pool where he sank immediately andlapsed into a coma. But 40 years after that[Doug andTerry backwards swimming across the screen]Terry cameout of that coma resumed his training and took thegold medal at the 2048 Coma Survivors Olympicsin—you guessed it-Tel Aviv.[Doug and Terry one legand one arm up and down across the screen]By the way,in the future, the gold and bronze medals swappedplaces and the gold signified a third placefinish.[Doug and Terry do the robot across thescreen]But Terry never said first place, he said gold!Were you paying attention?

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

An SNL Digital Short

Harpoon Man…..John C. Reilly
Announcer…..Andy Samberg

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ open on Harpoon Man stalking through Central Park ]

Announcer: [ spoken ]
“He was a whaler in Alaska
‘Til bad guys killed his family.
Now, he’s in the big city looking for vengeance
And they call him:”

[ Harpoon Man poses in front of title ]

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ cut to Harpoon Man stalking through the city, as the occasional split-screen reveals a close-up on the Announcer’s lips ]

Announcer: Harpoon Man. The only dude who wields a big-ass harpoon, and knows how to use it.

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: Yeaaaaahh.. looking good, Harpoon Man!

[ show Harpoon Man doing his fight moves ]

Announcer: [ singing Shaft-style ]”He’s a cool customer, with moves that’ll make your head spin!
But don’t you cross him, he got his name for a rea-son!”

[ Harpoon Man throws his harpoon through a street punk’s chest ]

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: [ singing ] “And the ladies – whoo, the ladies, they know all about him!”

[ ladies crowd around Harpoon Man ]

Announcer: [ singing ] “And don’t you judge is pre-ma-tuuuuure ejaculation!”

[ the ladies slink away ]

Announcer: [ spoken ] Don’t worry, Harpoon Man. It happens to lots of guys.

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: And you don’t mind, ’cause you get aaaallll the ladies.

[ Harpoon Man grins, pleased ]

[ show Harpoon Man using his harpoon to jump over a sleeping bum ]

Announcer: [ singing ] “He gets the ladies, even though they know that he is gay!He’s super-handsome, and everyone has boned his wife!”

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ show Harpoon Man’s wife eating lunch by a pond ]

Announcer: [ spoken ] I know from experience, because I’ve boned her – in Harpoon Man’s bed!

[ Harpoon Man enters scene and throws his harpoon through his wife’s chest ]

[ cut to Harpoon Man jumping in front of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: And what’s up with your face? Ugghhhh!

[ Harpoon Man tumbles across the inside lobby floor ]

Announcer: You look like a six-foot leprechaun, with no wiener!

[ Harpoon Man stalks through the interior halls of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: Oh, what? Are you getting mad, Harpoon Man?

[ Harpoon Man peeks inside open doorways ]

Announcer: You’re never gonna find me!

[ Harpoon stalks through a door frame, tripping on the carpet ]

Announcer: Whoop! You tripped! Watch your step, moron! [ laughs maniacally ]

[ Harpoon Man presses elevator button ]

Announcer: Harpoon Man never came out and said it, but I’m pretty sure he’s a bigot!

[ Harpoon Man stalks through the halls of Studio 8-H ]

Announcer: I mean, seriously – he’s so gay, I heard he breastfed on his daddy’s nipples!

[ Harpoon Man spots the announcer, dressed as a whale, in the announcer’s booth ]

Announcer: Ha ha ha! Thank you! Thank you!

[ the Announcer looks up and notices Harpoon Man is now in the booth with him ]

Harpoon Man: Gotcha!

Announcer: [ casually ] Heeeeeyyyyy, man!

[ Harpoon Man jabs hias harpoon into the announcer’s chest, and twists ]

[ with a sing-song ] Breakfaaaaaaaasssssttttt!!

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Mexican Restaurant

Jennifer….John C. Reilly
Robert….Fred Armisen
Shelley….Kristen Wiig
Girl 1….Maya Rudolph
Girl 2….Amy Poehler
Waiter….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a Mexican cantina style restaurant. Threegirlfriends are enjoying their meals. Chips and salsa,margaritas etc.]

Girl 1: Oh my God!, you guys, how much fun was thatparty last night?

Girl 2: Oh my God! It was so fun. Oh, my God! Can Ijust say you guys, how hung over you guys were!

Girl 1: Oh, I am so hung over.

Girl 2: I know.

Shelley: Oh my God. How crazy is it that I woke up thismorning in just my turtleneck.

[Girls laugh. At the end of the table is emotionalblondie Jennifer]

Jennifer: Oh my God! That is so funny, Shelly. Howcrazy are you?!

Shelley: I know.

[Girl 1 eats chip]

Girl 1: Oh my God, you guys. I could seriously liveon chips and salsa.

Jennifer: I know, right? I do live on chips and salsa.

[Jennifer laughs then ugly cries holding up a chip]

Girl 1: Oh my God, Jennifer, what is it?

Jennifer: Nothing you guys. I’m good. You guys, listento this. This is funny. Last night I drank 27 butterynipples.[Laughs and cries bitterly] And I totallycalled Robert!!

Girls: Jennifer! Oh, no!

Jennifer: I’m okay.[cries]and then I had a glass ofPort and then I found a bottle of Pinot Griggio in mytrunk and I drank that and that’s kind of funny,right? [giggles and then cries]And then I calledRobert again!!!

Girls: No!!

Jennifer: YES!!!

Girl 1: Jennifer, why on earth would you do that?

Jennifer: Because you guys! Robert is my boo!

[waiter arrives]

Waiter: Who ordered the beef burrito?

Jennifer: Me.

Waiter: All right. There you are.[sets plate down] Andwho ordered the beef tacos?

Jennifer: That’s me too. Bean burrito and bean taco.Oh my God, you guys, I don’t know what I’m gonnado.[bites into the bean taco]This is so good![laughsand then ugly cries with a mouth full of taco]Youguys, I’m just gonna go. I always ruin brunch!

Girls: No, no! Don’t go.

Jennifer: You guys are the best friends ever.Listen,[bites into burrito]he’s a turd. And he leadsme to believe that we really got it going on and thenI realize I’m just one of his many stops along bootyhighway! This taquitos are sheer heaven.[eats somemore and more sobbing cries]I just need to hop in myPT Cruiser, put the pedal to the metal and drive fastas I can to screw-somebody-else-ville![eats more taco,cries]Where is that freakin’…[looks over hershoulder]

Girl 2: Jennifer, are you okay?

Jennifer: That looks good. What did you get?

Girl 2: I got 2 chicken enchiladas.

Jennifer: Can I have you’re chicken enchiladas,please?[sad]I will totally buy you more!!

[Girl 2 gives Jennifer her plate]

Jennifer: Oh, Robert!, guacamole,[eats taco dipped inguacamole]salsa, Robert?! Taquitos![cries ans eats,mouth full]

[Suspense music, shot of girls disturbed,uncomfortable faces]

Jennifer: Flautas, Robert![eats and ugly cries] PinotGrigio, Robert![eats and ugly cries]Beans! Oh my God!,guys. [mouth full of food]I’m sorry, I’m a mess!Listen, I’ll be right back. Can somebody be a a heroand order me a margarita and 2 more beef tacos?[Getsup and leaves]

Girl 1: Guys, can I just say, why is Jennifer such awreck?

Girl 2: Oh my God, you guys known her for like 6months, you guys and its always the same thing.

Shelley: You guys, I’m beginning to think Robertdoesn’t even exist.

Girl 1: This is really mean but….should we justleave?

Girl 2: Yeah.

[The 3 girls get up and leave. Jennifer comes back andsits back down]

Jennifer: Oh, they’re all probably outside having asmoke. [eats chip and cries]

[Romantic music plays, man dressed like a member ofthe 60’s group The Monkees appears. Moe’s haircut,60’s attire, glasses]

Jennifer: Robert?!

[nasal voice]

Robert: Jennifeeer!

Jennifer: Robert, you get my messages?

Robert: Of course I did.

Jennifer: You’re not cross with me, are you?[bitestaco]

Robert: Oh, silly child.[sits next to Jennifer]I livefor your messages.

Jennifer: Robert, your the best. The best but I’m sucha mess.[hugs Robert]

Robert: Sshhhh, shhhh[kisses Jennifer passionately,tongue and all]

[The 3 girls look down at Jennifer’s happy ending andsmile from the baranda of a little balcony on thecantina restaurant]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Special Report with Brit Hume

Written by: Jim Downey

Brit Hume…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte

[ open on Fox News graphics ]

[ SUPER: “Fox News. Fair and Balanced.” ]

[ SUPER: “Special Report with Brit Hume” ]

[ dissolve to Brit Hume in the studio ]

Brit Hume: Welcome back. Poli — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Welcome back. Political observers are calling the upterm — midterm elections a referendum on the war in Iraq. Are we making progress, or, as we assimilate, stuck? Is it time to stay the course, or cut and run? Those decisions, of course, ultimately fall on the shoulders of one man – our Commander-in-Chief, George W. Bush. Here now is Part One of my very special interview.

[ graphic: “Special Report: Interview with President Bush” ]

Brit Hume: Thank you, uh, for taking the time, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Anytime, Brit, anytime.

Brit Hume: Mr. President, polls show that the majority of Americans think that the most important issue facing our country right now is the war in Iraq. But the news coming out of that part of the world.. is not all rosy.

President George W. Bush: [ shaking his head in complete agreement ] No, it’s not. Nope.

Brit Hume: Terror attacks have intensified to near-record levels. This month, the U.S. has already totaled fifty-three casualties.. making October the deadliest month in nearly two years.

President George W. Bush: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Brit Hume: According to one recent study, the number of Iraqi civilian casualties may run as high as 600,000. Some also claim that the United States has been unable to provide the Iraqi civilians with any lasting security.

President George W. Bush: Yeah, that’s right. Uh-huh.

Brit Hume: For example, when Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice visited Baghdad last week, she was forced to circle the airport for over forty minutes, due to mortar fire —

President George W. Bush: Right. [ nods his head ]

Brit Hume: — then be helicoptered into the city because the highway’s impassable! Then she had to meet with President Talibani in the dark because the electricity had been cut off! [ trying to stifle his laughter ]

President George W. Bush: Well, she’s a trooper.

Brit Hume: As part of your program of general de-Baathification, the Iraqi army was immediately dissolved, flooding the streets wih local militias made up of former Iraqi Army officers, a policy that Newt Gingrich, a Republican, has called “the largest single disaster in American foreign policy in modern times.”

President George W. Bush: That’s what he said.

Brit Hume: Moreover, the recent National Intelligence Estimate suggests that the unrest in Iraq may be creating more terrorists rather than reducing the numbers —

President George W. Bush: I’ve heard that. Yeah.

Brit Hume: You’ve thrown out portions of the Geneva Convention —

President George W. Bush: Yep.

Brit Hume: — your approval ratings are hovering in the low 30’s —

President George W. Bush: Right.

Brit Hume: As the lion’s share of our troops are committed elsewhere, we have no credible military response to North Korea, a country that, unlike Iraq, actually has weapons of mass destruction!

President George W. Bush: They sure do. Sure. Yeah.

Brit Hume: Now there’s news that, in an overwhelming display of force, a Shiite militia led by rebel cleric Muqtada al-Sadr briefly took the city of Amarah in an area once considered safe. So, Mr. President, considering all these factors, my question to you is: “Can we win this war.. in Iraq?”

President George W. Bush: [ after a brief moment of consideration ] Absolutely, Brit.

Brit Hume: That’s good enough for me. [ abruptly drops his clipboard on the endtable, stands and makes his exit ]

President George W. Bush: Thank you, Brit, thank you. [ turns to face the camera ] And – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

My Chemical Romance performs “Cancer”

…..John C. Reilly
…..My Chemical Romance

John C. Reilly: Once again, My Chemical Romance.

My Chemical Romance: (singing)
“Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
and bury me
in all my favorite colors,
my sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
cause the hardest part of this,
is leaving you.

Now turn away,
cause I’m awful just to see
cause all my hair’s abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
know that I will never marry,
Baby, I’m just soggy from the chemo
but counting down the days to go.

It just ain’t living
And I just hope you know
That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I’d ask you to be true (cause I’d ask you to be true)
Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you…

Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you…”

Submitted by: Dick Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

My Chemical Romance performs “Welcome to the Black Parade”

…..John C. Reilly
…..My Chemical Romance

John C. Reilly: Ladies, and gentleman, My Chemical Romance.

My Chemical Romance: (singing)
“When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.

He said, “Son when you grow up,
would you be the savior of the broken,
the beaten and the damned?”
He said “Will you defeat them,
your demons, and all the non believers,
the plans that they have made?”
Because one day I’ll leave you,
A phantom to lead you in the summer,
To join the black parade.”

When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said, “Son when you grow up,
would you be the savior of the broken,
the beaten and the damned?”

Sometimes I get the feeling she’s watching over me.
And other times I feel like I should go.
And through it all, the rise and fall, the bodies in the streets.
And when you’re gone we want you all to know.

We’ll carry on,
We’ll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And in my heart I can’t contain it
The anthem won’t explain it.

A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all.
So paint it black and take it back
Let’s shout it loud and clear
Defiant to the end we hear the call

To carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches

On and on we carry through the fears
Ooh oh ohhhh
Disappointed faces of your peers
Ooh oh ohhhh
Take a look at me cause I could not care at all

Do or die, you’ll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you’ll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
I won’t explain or say I’m sorry
I’m unashamed, I’m gonna show my scar
Give a cheer for all the broken
Listen here, because it’s who we are
I’m just a man, I’m not a hero
Just a boy, who had to sing this song
Just a man, I’m not a hero
I! don’t! care!

We’ll carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches on

Do or die, you’ll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you’ll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We’ll carry on)

Do or die, you’ll never make me (We’ll carry on)
Because the world will never take my heart (We’ll carry on)
Go and try, you’ll never break me (We’ll carry)
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We’ll carry on)”

Submitted by: Dick Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

John C. Reilly’s Monologue

…..John C. Reilly
James Lipton…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – John c. Reilly!

[ the audience cheers and screams with great enthusiasm ]

John C. Reilly: Oh.. wow! Hello! Hello! [ humbled ] Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. [ the audience continues with their applause ] Wow! Hey! This is really amazing! This is reaaaaly amazing, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” – little ol’ me, whaddaya know? [ a couple of audience members whoop ] I have to say, this is kind of unbelievable. I mean, literally unbelievable. When they called me to ask me to host the show, you know, I said, “Yes,” of course. But I told them, “You know, you might have to remind people, a little bit, of who I am exactly.” Because.. well.. lots of people seem to know my face – I’ve been in over forty films – but, you know, I’ll admit it – I’m not exactly a household name, you know? They know the work, but not the name.

James Lipton: That is a patent false-hood.

[ the audience screams and cheers excitedly, as Will Ferrell, dressed as James Lipton, stands in the audience, clutching his blue note cards ]

James Lipton: All the peoples of the world know who you arrrre – and.. they.. relish you. You.. sir.. are a de-light! [ laughs maniacally ]

John C. Reilly: James Lipton! Wow! I can’t believe it!

[ Lipton runs up on stage to join Reilly ]

James Lipton: You know – you know – thank you! Thank you for a body of work.. that is brilliantly personified. If you want to see a magnificant performance —

John C. Reilly: James. Thank —

James Lipton: — an astonishing performance —

John C. Reilly: It’s just that I’m right in the middle of —

James Lipton: — a moment SO splendifferous.. its mere existence offers irrefutable proof.. that there.. is indeed.. a God!

John C. Reilly: Sir, I don’t —

James Lipton: The role, of course.. is that of Marcellus Wallace. The film? “Pulp Fiction!”

John C. Reilly: I wasn’t in “Pulp Fiction.”

James Lipton: Nonsense! You are being modest! You.. were.. spell-bind-ing!

John C. Reilly: No, really – I wasn’t in “Pulp Fiction.”

James Lipton: [ laughs maniacally, as he switches blue cards ] The year.. was 1965. THe place? The Milky Way galaxy. More specifically, our solar system. The film? “Sound of Music.”

John C. Reilly: I was born in 1965 —

James Lipton: Indeed you were. Born anew on film. You were also the voice of R2D2 in “The Sound of Music.” Changed not only the way we look at cinema —

John C. Reilly: He was a robot, Sir.

James Lipton: — but how we look at ourselves, in the mirror —

John C. Reilly: James —

James Lipton: — when you’ve slept on a courderoy pillow —

John C. Reilly: I —

James Lipton: — or, perhaps, a telephone cord —

John C. Reilly: Yes. I appreciate —

James Lipton: — after a night of what the French call Le petit melangalias, a le, a lai —

John C. Reilly: Thank you very much, sir. That’s very kind of you, but —

James Lipton: And now we come full circle.

John C. Reilly: That’s a lot of cards.

James Lipton: Yes. The year? 2002.

John C. Reilly: Okay!

James Lipton: The film? “Chicago.”

John C. Reilly: Yes. Well, I was in that one.

[ the audience cheers ]

James Lipton: And, of course.. the role? Roxy Hart.

John C. Reilly: No – Roxy Hart was a woman.

James Lipton: [ laughs manaically ] Indeed!! When Roxy claims to be pregnant —

John C. Reilly: But I didn’t play her —

James Lipton: — to refocus the limelight directly on her —

John C. Reilly: Yes. But, I —

James Lipton: — it —

John C. Reilly: It was Renne Zelwegger —

James Lipton: — was —

John C. Reilly: She was a woman —

James Lipton: — Brilliant! [ a beat ] Could we speak to Roxy?

John C. Reilly: James, I didn’t —

James Lipton: [ puts his hand on Reilly’s face ] Roxy?

John C. Reilly: I didn’t play —

James Lipton: Is Roxy in there? [ puts his fingers to Reilly’s mouth, and proceeds to dig his way inside ]

John C. Reilly: [ in a high-pitched voice ] Yes!

James Lipton: [ breathes a sigh of relief ]

John C. Reilly: Yes, she’s here!

James Lipton: I think everyone here would enjoy hearing some of roxy’s signature song. Wouldn’t you, audience?

[ the audience cheers ]

James Lipton: Would you?! [ to Reilly ] Roxy?

John C. Reilly: [ giving in ] Oh, James, you hopeless dreamer.

James Lipton: Oh, yes! Yes!

John C. Reilly: [ grabs a microphone and begins singing ]”It’s good, isn’t it?”

James Lipton: [ throws his blue cards to the ground ] Marvelous!

John C. Reilly: “Grand, isn’t it?”

James Lipton: It’s happening!

John C. Reilly: “Great, isn’t it?”

James Lipton: I have an erection!

John C. Reilly:
“Swell, isn’t it?
Fun, isn’t it?
Nowadays.”

James Lipton: I can’t believe it! [ grabs a microphone of his own, and sings ]
“There’s men, everywhere
Jazz, everywhere
Booze, everywhere
Life, everywhere
Joy, everywhere
Nowww-a-dayyys.”

John C. Reilly: “You can like the life you’re livin’.”

James Lipton: “You can live the life you like.”

John C. Reilly: “You can even marry Harry.”

James Lipton: “But mess around wiht Ike.”

Together:
“And that’s
Good, isn’t it?
Grand, isn’t it?
Great, isn’t it?
Swell, isn’t it?
Fun, isn’t it?”

John C. Reilly:
“But nothing stayyyys

In fifty years or so –“

James Lipton: “It’s gonna change, you know.”

Together:
“But, ohhhh, it’s heaven
Now-a-dayyyyys.”

James Lipton: Let’s hear it for our host, Sean J. Reilly!

[ a neon sign drops down that reads: “Sean C. Reilly” ]

John C. Reilly: Almost! That’s also incorrect!

James Lipton: Sean J. Reailly – I’m sorry!

John C. Reilly: We have a great show for you tonight!

James Lipton: “Apocolypse Now!”

John C. Reilly: My Chemical Romance is here!

James Lipton: “Kramer vs. Kramer!”

John C. Reilly: Stick around, we’ll be right back! It’ll be fun!

James Lipton: “The Birdcage!”

Together: “Now-a-dayyyyyysss –“

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: McMillan Family Moment III

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

McMillan Family Moment III

Mr. McMillan…..John C. Reilly
Mr. McMillan Sr…..Jason Sudeikis

[Heartwarming Steel Magnolias-style music takes us from a split-level house exterior inside to the kitchen. A middle-aged man and his senior citizen father are sitting at a table. A plate of Oreos sits between them.]

Mr. McMillan: Hey, Dad, check this out. Twist it, scrape the cream out, and then put it back together. Remember when we used to do that?

Mr. McMillan Sr.: [disapproving] That’s not how you do it.

Mr. McMillan: Then you tell me, Dad! [music stops] ‘Cause you’ve got all the answers!

Mr. McMillan Sr.: Such a temper!

Mr. McMillan: Yeah? You like it?! ‘Cause you gave it to me!

[Mr. McMillan Sr. groans disapprovingly as he leaves]

Mr. McMillan: And I’m sure everybody at the nursing home loves to hear all about your “ass son”.

[music starts again over a title card]

Mr. McMillan: [yelling off-screen] See you in Hell, Dad!

Narrator: Another McMillan family moment.

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: McMillan Family Moment II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

McMillan Family Moment II

Mr. McMillan…..John C. Reilly
Jarvis…..Kenan Thompson

[Heartwarming Steel Magnolias-style music takes us from a split-level house exterior inside to the kitchen. A middle-aged man and teenaged boy are sitting at a table, both wearing Big Brothers Chicago t-shirts. Each have a glass of milk with a plate of Oreos between them.]

Mr. McMillan: So, listen. I just thought as your new Big Brother, I’d show you the McMillan family tradition of how to eat an Oreo cookie.

Jarvis: [apprehensive] Okay —

Mr. McMillan: So first thing out of the gate, Jarvis. You hold the edges of the cookie with both hands. And then you give it a nice gentle twist. [demonstrates] And then– [Jarvis shoves a cookie in his mouth and drinks his milk] No, no, don’t drink the milk yet!

Jarvis: Hey, you got an Xbox up in here? [music stops]

Mr. McMillan: [throws the cookie on the table] Yeah, yeah, we got an Xbox. [goes off-camera] Uh-huh. [comes back with the console] Here. There you go. [throws it on the table] Yeah, have fun, Champ!

Jarvis: Whoa!

Mr. McMillan: Yeah, knock yourself out! [throws his glass of milk on the table] Play till your fingers fall off! Call me when you want a ride home, I’ll be in the other room paying my taxes to support jackass programs so brats like you can play Xbox! How’s that grab you, Full of Cream?! [Jarvis is taken aback] Have fun telling them down at Big Brother what an ass I am! [storms out, slams door]

[music starts again over a title card which reads:]

Female Narrator: Another McMillan Family Moment.

[laughter and applause]

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: McMillan Family Moment I

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

McMillan Family Moment I

Mr. McMillan…..John C. Reilly
Jerry…..Andy Samberg

[Heartwarming Steel Magnolias-style music takes us from a split-level house exterior inside to the kitchen. A middle-aged dad and his teenaged son are sitting at a table. Each have a glass of milk with a plate of Oreos between them.]

Mr. McMillan: You see, Jerry, you can’t just eat it right away. Every family has its own system of eating Oreos, and I think it’s time I taught you the McMillan system that my dad taught me. First thing out of the gate: Hold the edges of the cookie with both hands. And then you give it a nice gentle twist. [demonstrates for his son] And when you pull them apart, you’re going to have a naked side, and a cream side. You see that?

Jerry: [unengaged] Yeah.

Mr. McMillan: Great. Then you’re gonna wanna scrape the cream with your teeth, straight down the middle like a snow shovel. [does so] Mmm, see? Like this. Mmm. Now just enjoy that cream for a minute. Mmm, nice. Now, what you want to do is put the two halves back together and then we move into what I call, “the dunking phase”.

Jerry: Can’t I just eat it?

Mr. McMillan: [angrily throws the Oreo on the table] Yeah. [music stops] Eat it. Go ahead, eat ’em all. [throws the Oreos on the plate at him] Choke ’em down. There. There! [stands up] How dare I try to teach my son a family tradition?!

Jerry: I’m kinda old for that, Dad!

Mr. McMillan: [in Jerry’s face] Oh, yeah, I blew it! Who wants to know about their own family?! That’s boring! You know what? Why don’t you just make up some new traditions, like sitting on your ass! [Jerry shifts in his chair] Playing video games and downloading rock songs on the iTube! Do your thing.

Jerry: — can I go now?

Mr. McMillan: You make the rules, you tell me! [Jerry leaves] Yeah, have fun telling your mother what an ass I am.

[music starts again over a title card which reads:]

Female Narrator: This has been a McMillan Family Moment.

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts