[Opens with shot of fancy buildings on a metropolitancity. Cut to an office. Linder & Bowles conduct a jobinterview. Bowles sits behind a desk reading a resume,Linder casually sits on top of the desk. Attractiveblond businesswoman sits in front of them]
Bowles: Your resume looks great, Rebecca.
Linder: Oh, yeah. You are more than qualified.
Rebecca: Thank you. I’m just happy to be considered.
Linder: You should be. Linder & Bowles its thelargest, most powerful full service law firm inConnecticut.
Rebecca: Oh, I know.
Bowles: So it says here that you went to Columbia?
Rebecca: I studied economics, yes.
Linder: Economics, mmmm.
Bowles: Then you moved to Illinois. Where were you?
Rebecca: Schaumberg.
Bowles: Mmmm. Sounds fancy.
Rebecca: It was ok. I was just working for aninsurance company.
Bowles: Oh, really? What did you do there?
Rebecca: Legal assistant.
Linder: Legal assistant? Oooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!!
Bowles: Legal assistant.
Rebecca: Yeah, my duties were answering phones andfiling.
Linder: Oooooeeeeeooooohh!!!
Rebecca: It wasn’t a big deal. Just secretarialstuff.
Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!! Now tell us, whatqualifications you feel you’ll bring to our firm?
Rebecca: Well, let’s see. I’m bright.
Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!!
Rebecca: And I’m a quick study.
Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!
Rebecca: I’m a people person.
Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!
Rebecca: I’m focused.
Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeoooohh!!!
Rebecca: Oh, lets see. What else? Oh, yeah. I’mpunctual.
Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeeoooohh!!!
Rebecca: Conscientious.
Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!
Rebecca: Good with clients.
Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeoooohh!!!
Rebecca: I listen—
Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeooooohh!!!
Rebecca: —and ok, that’s it. That’s it.
Bowles: That’s it? Come on, Rebecca. Just tell us onemore positive thing about yourself.
Rebecca: One more thing?
Linder: Yes, please.
Rebecca: Umm…[Linder & Bowles eagerly wait for it,mouths puckered for their childish “Oooooeeeooohh!!”]I really don’t mind working long—-
Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeooooohh!!!
Rebecca: —hours.
Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeoooohh!!!
Rebecca: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That, that thing thatyou’re doing.
Linder: What’s that?
Rebecca: That “Ooooooeeeeoooohh!!!” Is that a goodthing?
Linder: Yes, yeah.
Rebecca: Oh, ok. Great, so I guess—
[Phone rings]
Bowles: Excuse me.[picks up]This is Bowles.Oooooooeeeeooooohh!!! Oooooooeeeeooohh!! Indictment.Oooooeeeeeeoooooohh!!! Ok, I’ll put him on.[passesphone to Linder]
Linder: Howard Linder. What?! Oooooooeeeeeeooooohh!!Ok. Bye-bye.[hangs up]
Bowles: Well….
Rebecca: Ok, well…
Bowles: You’re hired. Welcome to Linder & Bowles.
Rebecca: Oh, my God! I’m gonna be working at Linder &Bowles! Oooooooeeeeeooooohh!!
[It goes horribly wrong]
Linder: I’m sorry, what was that?
Rebecca: Ooooooeeeoooohh!! You know, oooeeeooohh.
Bowles: Are you being sarcastic?
Linder: Yeah, it sounds like you’re making fun of usor something.
Rebecca: No, no,no, I was just excited, ooohhh.
Bowles: You know, Rebecca. I think we are going tohave to do a little more thinking on this. I’m sorry.
Rebecca: Oh, wow, ok, me too.
Linder: Just get out. Go! Get out! yeah, get out.Walk! There you go.
Derek Acorah…..Hugh Laurie John Gilbert…..Fred Armisen Yvette Fielding…..Amy Poehler Stuart Torrevill…..Bill Hader
Narrator: As the team climbed the stairs to Chillingham Castle bedroom, Derek Acorah insisted he could hear the sound of a young boy crying. The closer he got, the more agitated he became.
(Scene begins in nightvision with slight laughter from audience..)
Derek Acorah: How are our sound levels?
John: Nothing out of the ordinary yet.
Derek Acorah: I hear the cries of a small boy. He’s crying out. I’ve been drawn to the energy around the armoire. Every — everyone else, stay there.
Yvette: Stuart, you have your camera ready?
Stuart: Ready.
Derek Acorah: So here we stand in total darkness in the room of a small boy who suffocated in this very armoire. (shouts out:) Do you have a name? Are you here with us? Why do you cry out?
Yvette: Speak to us. Let your presence be known!
Stuart: If you can hear us, give us a sign!
(Extremely loud fart sound is heard – loud laughter from audience)
Stuart: What was that?
Yvette: Did anyone else hear that?
John: Yeah, I did.
Derek Acorah: (stammering) N-no, I just uh shifted my feet, uh, i-i-it was probably just the tennis slippers scooting against the floor.
Yvette: No, I’m sure that wasn’t it! Do we have playback on that?
John: Well, let me check.
Derek Acorah: (stammering) NO, d-d-d-don’t bother, don’t bother.
John: Got it.
(Fart sound is played back)
Yvette: Let’s hear it again.
(Sound plays again – laughter from audience)
Yvette: Oh my God!
Stuart: That made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up!
John: I’m calling for back-up on the walkie talkie.
Derek Acorah: Oh, no.. It — it sounded more like a, like a… very fat bug uh just flew into the windowpane. That’s what it sounded like to me.
Yvette: That was not a bug! Everyone, listen to it again!
(Sound plays again – more laughter)
Derek Acorah: Look, look…this..this is an old castle. It’s probably large stones, shifting in the foundation.
Yvette: It’s like a spirit is trying to tell us something.
John: You know, I can slow it down…
Yvette: Yeah, good idea, good idea. Let’s see if it’s the boy trying to communicate with us.
John: Here it is…
(Sound plays slowly – extremely loude laughter from audience)
(Derek rolls his eyes and groans)
Yvette: Shhh!!! Listen.. It sounded like he said a name. Julian. Did you hear it? Ju-u-ulian, Ju-u-lian (Loudly to the room): Who is Julian, are you Julian?
Stuart: Let’s hear it again.
(Sound plays slowly – more laughter)
Stuart: Sounded more like Roger to me. RO-O-O-Oger. Ro-o-oger. (Shouts to room:) Is there a Roger here?
John: Let me hear it again, but slower.
(Sound plays very, very slow – more laughter from audience)
John: Seems to me it sounds like a young boy saying, “WHHHYYYY? WHHHHYYYY?”
Derek Acorah: Uh, I think I just heard far-off cries from another room in a far off area of the castle! W-we should move there immediately and leave here!
Yvette: But there’s so much paranormality here. Stuart, do you have playback on the thermal camera?
Stuart: I’m gonna need some light.
(The room lights up normally, after being in nightvision)
Stuart: Ok, let me cue it up…Got it!
(Thermal cam shows infrared image of Derek, panning down to his butt, where a misty cloud of air escapes. – Laughter and applause from audience)
Derek Acorah: (rolls his eyes and mumbles) Oh, God.
Yvette: Oh, my god. This is terrifying! Stuart, can we see it again in slow motion?
Derek Acorah: Oh, please!
(Thermal cam image is shown again in slow motion – more laughter and applause)
Yvette: What do you make of it, Stuart?
Stuart: The spirit’s energy seems to be focused right behind Derek.
Derek Acorah: Look, we should-we should get out of here, t-this could be bad you know.
Yvette: Oh my God! As I’m approaching you, Derek, there’s an intesifying sulfuric smell! Everyone! Come over here and stand next to Derek!
John: Alright, nobody move. There is definitely evil here. Oh, I’m getting light headed!!!
Derek Acorah: (Fed up) Oh, bloody hell, I broke wind alright?!!! Why- Why do you have to investigate things so exhaustively?!!
Yvette: Because we’re bloody paranormal investigators!
Derek Acorah: Look, I LET ONE RIP!!! You’ve solved the mystery, are you happy?!!!
Child’s voice in background: Julian!
Everyone: (Ad-libbed) : Maybe we should leave, yeah let’s leave. Definitely. Alright.
Announcer: [ over title graphic ] We now return to The Late Night Movie: “The Curse of Frankenstein.” They still do these late night movie things, right?
[ dissolve to exterior, Frankenstein’s castle ]
[ dissolve to stock footage, villagers running through the night with torches ablaze ]
[ cut to exterior, main door of Frankenstein’s castle, as the villagers scream with a collective force ]
Head Villager: Hold it, everyone! He’s right in there! Dr. Frankenstein! Give us your answer!
[ the villagers begin screaming again, as Frankenstein’s Monster steps through the door ]
Villager !: There he is! The Monster!
Frankenstein’s Monster: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, oh!! You guys looking for Frankenstein?
Crowd: YES!!!!
Frankenstein’s Monster: [ holds up his stitched hands ] You guys got the wrong house?
Head Villager: What do you mean, we got the wrong house?
Villager #1: YEAH?!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!!
Frankenstein’s Monster: SHUT UP!! [ they silence ] You got the wrong house! Frankenstein lives, uh — [ points behind the villagers ] Yeah, he lives over there. Across the moor.
Head Villager: Across the moor?
Frankenstein’s Monster: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! It’s, uh – a big castle.. uh, it’s got those, uh — [ snaps fingers ] oh, what do you call it, those white trees out front, uh —
Head Villager: You mean birch trees?
Frankenstein’s Monster: Yeah. Whatever.
Head Villager: [ embarrassed ] Well. Sorry about that.
[ Frankenstein’s Monster shrugs vacantly ]
Head Villager: WRONG HOUSE!! ACROSS THE MOOR!!
[ the villagers run back in the opposite directino from which they came ]
[ stock footage of villagers running through the night ]
[ cut to villagers standing at Dracula’s door ]
Dracula: He said what?! I’m Frankenstein?! [ chuckles, as he files his fingernails ] I’m sorry, guys – I think someone’s messin’ with ya’. I’m Dracula! See? [ shows off his outfit ] Cape. Fangs. Widow’s peak. Frankenstein’s, uh.. way back that way. [ points back in the direction the villagers just came from ] Across the moor.
Head Villager: Back that way? We just came from there. He said Frankenstein lives here!
Villager #1: Yeah!
Villager #2: Yeah, he said Frankenstein lives HERE!!
[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]
Dracula: Hold on, hold on, hold on – what did this guy look like?
Villager #1: He was TALL!
Dracula: Right, right, okay – what else?
Villager #2: He had BOLTS in his neck!
Dracula: Uh-huh. What else?
Villager #3: He was gree-ee-ee-eennnn!
Dracula: Okay. Tall guy, green, bolts in his neck – yeah, I hate to break it to you, but that’s Frankenstein!
Head Villager: Okay.. well, alright. I believe we’ve made a bit of a mistake. Sorry to trouble you! [ to the villagers ] Across the moor!!
Crowd: ACROSS THE MOOR!!
[ the villagers run back in the opposite direction from which they came ]
[ stock footage of villagers running through the night ]
[ cut to villagers standing at Frankenstein’s door ]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Well, uh.. he’s a li-ar! That’s what!
Head Villager: Well.. what about the bolts in your neck?
Frankenstein’s Monster: Oh, great, thanks a lot! I almost forgot about that spinal injury I had when I was four-years old! Thanks for bringing back those rosy memories! Hey – my dog died last year, why don’t you make a few jokes about that?!
Villager #1: He’s a mon-sterrrr!!
[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Hey, now we’re name-calling! What am I, in the 7th grade, all of a sudden! Well, you know what? You’re all a bunch of dicks! How do you like that?
Head Villager: Well, how do we know you’re not Frankenstein’s Monster?
Frankenstein’s Monster: How do I know you’re not Frankenstein’s Monster, you freakin’ genius?! I mean — [ glances at villager stepping too close with a lit torch ] Hey, dude – get that fire away from me. Alright? [ to ?? ] I mean, you could be a monster, you know? You got the weird hat, the patchy beard – you know? I mean, you look like a monster to me!
Villager #1: [ to Head Villager ] Well, maybe you’re the monster!
[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]
Head Villager: [ shakes his head ] I’m not the monster! [ points to Frankenstein’s Monster ] Look at ‘im! He’s got a square head and green skin!
Frankenstein’s Monster: Oh, great – now it’s a racial thing! You know what? You guys are a bunch of fascists! [ villager with a lit torch again step too close ] Seriously, du-ude! Get that fire away from me! [ to the crowd ] Here’s the deal: I’m a cobbler. I make shoes, and I hang out with my kids. You want to lynch me for that – be my guest!
Head Villager: Well, I’m sorry. We – we shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. We’ll leave you alone.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Uh – how about, apology not accepted, Weird Beard! I mean, let a guy live his life, would you? You know what I mean? I mean, it — [ his arm siddenly falls off and hits the stone steps ] Uhhhhhh —
Crowd: KILL HIM!!!
[ the villagers storm forward ]
[ cut to title graphic ]
Announcer: We’ll be back with more of The Late Night Movie. I swear they haven’t done these things in, like, twenty years..
[ open on Lorne Michaels sitting in a leather chair next to a lamp and endtable ]
Lorne Michaels: Good evening, I’m Lorne Michaels. [ audience applaulds wildly ] Recently, the NBC Television Network has experienced sweeping budget cuts. These cuts have been severe. [ reaches over to pour a glass of brandy from a crystal flask ] And all of us have been forced to make sacrifices. [ drinks, enjoys ] In an effort to conform to thse budget cuts, we have sold the first five minutes of “Saturday Night Live” to a foreign government. These are tough times, we do what we can.
[ the audience cheers prematurely, as the adjacent stage lights go up early and reveal the special guest star. Amidst this cheering, Lorne’s second budget cut barely goes noticed, as a page hands him an overstuffed sandwich. ]
Lorne Michaels: [ to the page ] Thanks. [ as the cheering dies down ] So, now, enjoy this paid address from the Kaka– Kazza– [ laughs ] Kazakhstan Ministry of Information!
[ dissolve to “Kazakhstan Ministry of Information Presents” logo ]
[ cut to Borat standing in front of a “Visit Kazakhstan” poster, with Azamat standing idly in the background ]
Borat: Jagshemash! My name Borat!
[ audience cheers as he performs a silly dance ritual ]
I’m from Kazakhstan! I like you. I like sex! We like, very much, your program, “Saturday Night Lives.” [ motions a pelivc gyration with his hand ] “Schwing?” Yes? [ laughs, turns to look at Azamat, who barely glances back at him ] It means, the same as erect! Also.. also, we laugh on your Coneheads. My brother has a head like a cone. He is retard! We like to laugh on him, too. Why not? He have a brain like a chicken.
American things are very popular in Kazakhstan. Pepsi macs.. hamburger.. baseballs.. and position, B.J. It very convenient – no need to remove wife from cage! [ mimes opening a cage ] We also admires your leader very much – George Walter Bush. And his father, Barbara. I here to make promotions of Kazakhstan. We have glorious industry, fine minerals, and cleanest prostitutes in all of Central Asia. They are much better than Tazakstan’s, whose vir-geens hang loose like sleeve of wizard.
[ Borat turns to translate his joke to Azamat, who laughs briefly before returning to his stoic position ]
Also, we have many natural re-zorses: potassium.. apples.. and human pubis. [ grabs a giant ball of human pubic hair ] This bale took over three women to make. Our pubis is finest in all of world, and can be used for clean pots and pans. [ puts ball of pubic hair down ] This year was a magnificent harvest – in fact my own testes forest has barely grown back.
Also, Kazakhstan best place for raise family. I myself have three sons – Belock, Beram, and Huey Lewis. Schwing? [ bearded boy enters ] This is Belock. He is eleven-years-old. This is his wife. [ young girl carrying baby enters ] She have no name because she girl. And this is their new baby. We are hoping to sell it to your pop star, Madonna. [ audience cheers ] We are ready to change colour of face, if necessary. [ motion kids off of stage, turns to audience ] Schwing? [ does his pelvic thrust dance ]
Kazakhstan also have great movie industry. This.. is Johnny the Monkey. [ Arab trainer enters with costumed monkey on his shoulder. The monkey climbs onto Borat’s shoulder ] He is our most successful actor. He like to dress as Humphrey Bogart. He is children’s favorite, and star of movie film “The Transbilski Express” And over three-hundred other pornos. [ motions monkey and trainer off of stage ]
You must also see my movie film, “Borat”, on November the three. And then visit me in Kazakhstan. You can stay my house, eat our food, and use my sister! She is tight, like a man’s annals! Scwing? [ does his pelvic thrust dance ]
Now – “a-Live, from New York, Home of the Jew, it’s Saturday Night!”
Joe Buck….Jason Sudeikis Tim McCarver….Bill Hader Pamela Bell….Maya Rudolph
[Opens with sports theme music. World Fox Series 2006 logo. An outside shot of a sports stadium]
Joe Buck: Its game five of the World Series here at the new Busch Stadium here in downtown St. Louis and it looks like its just about time to sing the National Anthem.
[Tim And Joe are sitting in their commentators desk. Suit and ties, glasses]
Tim McCarver: That’s right, Joe. And singing tonight is Pamela Bell. Winner of local grocery store Schnucks “Anthem Idol” contest.
Joe Buck: I hear the girl can sing.
Tim McCarver: Well, lets go to the field.
[Cut to Pamela Bell out on the playing field. She has a microphone in her hand. She waves and smiles at the crowd. Crowd applauds.]
Pamela Bell: Oh…Say…Eh…ooh…Eeeeee!!! By the dawn….early li-i-i-i-ight![pause] Da-What…so pro-o-udly, we hai-i-i-ai-ai-ai-iled!![nasal voice]By the twilight’s….[normal voice] last gleaming!
[Tim and Joe are surprised by the horrific rendition of the National Anthem]
Pamela Bell: Da-whose broad stripes and right “ra-a-a-a-ars”![vocalizing] na, nia, nia, nia, nia, nia![forcefully] O’er the “ramrods”… we watched! Na, nia, nia, nia ,nia ,nia. [speaking] and the rockets red glare,[imitates watching bombs in the air] and the bombs bursting up in the air! [rapidly] Gave a little proof! [forcefully]through the ba-night!! [nasal voice]that our flag as still the-e-e-e-ere!
[Tim and Joe are stunned]
Pamela Bell: For its one, two, “knee” strikes you’re ou-u-u-ut! And the ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-me!!! [long pause] A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a–a-a-a-a-a-ave!
[More shocking looks from Tim and Joe back in the studio]
Pamela Bell: The Bra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a[She moves the microphone around her mouth, vocal sounds fade in and out]a-a-a-ave! B to the “R” to the “A” to the “V” to the “E” Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah [makes like she’s starting a motorcycle] Brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! Bra-a-a-a-a-a-ave! Uh!! Thank you! Thank you![waves to the crowd]
Joe Buck: We’ll be right back with game five here in St. Louis.
Doctor…..Will Forte Nurse…..Maya Rudolph Dallas Rivers…..Kenan Thompson Mrs. Rivers…..Hugh Laurie
[ open on exterior, Emergency Hospital voices in the background ]
[ dissolve to the emergency room, where Dallas Rivers and his wife chatter as the Doctor enters ]
Doctor: Mr. Dallas Rivers?
Dallas Rivers: [ glares at the Doctor ] Who wants to know?
Doctor: Me. Uh.. I’m the attending Doctor.
Mrs. Rivers: [ as she files her scraggly nails ] Baby, you don’t have to tell them your name!
Doctor: Well.. it’s on your chart here.
Dallas Rivers: So?!
Doctor: So.. it looks like your leg is broken.
Dallas Rivers: Oh, it is, huh? And who told you that?
Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Who told you that!
Doctor: Well, I’ve seen many of these before, I’m, uh.. I’m a doctor.
Mrs. Rivers: Uh — doc-tor!
Dallas Rivers: Uh, yeah. Well, here you go! [ whips out his wallet, fans his cash ] Here you go! Take it all right now! There it is, there you go!
Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Take it ALL!
Doctor: Sir, I don’t know what kind of doctors you’ve had in the past, but I’m the resident Doctor.
Dallas Rivers: Oh, yeah? Well, let me ask you something.
Mrs. Rivers: Ask him something!
Dallas Rivers: [ sighs ] Why do you call what you do.. a practice?
Mrs. Rivers: Because.. they’re just practicing.
Dallas Rivers: Mmm-hmm! Mmm hmm hmm! [ they twiddle their fingers together ]
Mrs. Rivers: Oh! Oh, oh ohh! [ laughs ]
Dallas Rivers: You damn right, baby. [ to Doctor ] You know what? Call me when you ready to stop practicing, and do this for real. [ turns back to his wife ] Anyway, as I was sayin’ —
Doctor: Okay, what I need is —
[ the Nurse enters ]
Nurse: Mr. Rivers, if we could just get your address and Social Security Number..
Dallas Rivers: Ohh! Here we go. Time to put me in the SYSTEM!!
Mrs. Rivers: He didn’t do NOTHIN’!!
Dallas Rivers: Ah, it’s ON, now! First they get your SOCIAL! Then, the next thing you know, there’s gonna be a strange black VAN parked on the corner of my block, and the Girl Scout cookie girl’s gonna put a LIST’NIN’ device in my SA-MO-AS!!
Mrs. Rivers: Baby, don’t buy dem cookies!
Dallas Rivers: I WON’T!! I won’t NEVER BUY THOSE COOKIES!!!
[ the Doctor and Nurse are dumbstruck ]
Nurse: Fine. It’s your leg.
Mrs. Rivers: No! It’s your leg!
[ Dallas Rivers and his Wife laugh, and twiddle their fingers once more ]
Nurse: And who are you, Sir?
Mrs. Rivers: [ with great offense ] Sir?! I’m his wife!
[ the Nurse and Doctor look at one another with great confusion ]
Doctor: Mr. Rivers, I’m trying to help you, alright? We just need to get you X-rayed.
Dallas Rivers: Oh, no! Nuh uh uh uh! You’re not gonna be shootin’ ME up with the voo-doo! I had one of your X-rays before, and you know what happened?
Mrs. Rivers: We can’t get pregnant.
Dallas Rivers: We.. can’t.. get.. pregnant! It’s a TRAGEDY!!
Mrs. Rivers: Mmm-hmm.
Doctor: Okay, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you just calm down.. I’m gonna give you 20ccs of Demerol.
Dallas Rivers: Oh, no no no no no!! You are not!! I know what this is!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!
Dallas & Mrs. Rivers: [ together ] TUSK-EE-GEE!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!
Dallas Rivers: Look, man! Jusy get me six beers and a pint of Brass monkey, and let me up outta here!
Mrs. Rivers: Yeah. Let ‘im OUTTA here!!
Doctor: Okay, I can’t do that, you need medical attention.
Dallas Rivers: No, I don’t! Man, you know what I’m about to do is raise up right outta here right now, you know what I’m sayin’? C’mon, baby, let’s get outta here, this ain’t no hospital —
[ Dallas Rivers jumps to his feet and crashes facedown to the floor ]
Dallas Rivers: Agghhhh!!! Baby, my LEG IS BROKEN!!!
Mrs. Rivers: [ climbs on top of the bed ] Baby, no!
Dallas Rivers: I NEED A DOCTOR!! I NEED A DOCTOR!!
Mrs. Rivers: Oh, Sweetheart..
Dallas Rivers: OH, DOCTOR!! THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE!!
[ the Doctor and Nurse help Dallas Rivers into the hall, as Mrs. Rivers lingers behind. She pulls down her hiking miniskirt, as background music pots up. ]
Mrs. Rivers: Medicine.. is a noble science. Yet, every year, thousands of people deny themselves proper medical care because.. they don’t trust doctors. [ shrugs ] Maybe they’re crazy, maybe they’re ignorant. Or maybe their actual doctors just don’t measure up to the.. brilliant, the devestatingly handsome doctors that they see on television. [ she smiles up at the sky ] Whatever the reason, please trust your Doctor. Thank you!
[ Mrs. Rivers exits the room ]
[ dissolve to title card: “Brought to you by the American Medical Association” ]
Concierge…..Kristen Wiig Mr. Smythe-Pennington…..Hugh Laurie
[ open on exterior, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel ]
[ fade to interior, main lobby, as Concierge greets Mr. Smythe-Pennington ]
Concierge: Mr. Smythe-Pennington?
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: How do you do?
Concierge: I cannot tell you how excited we are to have the Queen staying here!
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Well, only half as happy as her Majesty is to be staying here, I’m sure.
Concierge: Now, you are – and I hope I’m saying this right – an equerry?
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Yes. I arrive a day before the Queen, just to make sure that everything will be to her liking. Now, did you get my fax of requests?
Concierge: Yes. And I am happy to say that we just finished the last of it. Um – every light bulb in her suite has been replaced with a 40-watt bulb.. uh, the soaps you have sent are unwrapped and in the bathroom.. and we have just hung the last of the Renoir prints.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Her Majesty thanks you. Now, if I may – um. [ pulls Concierge aside, privately ] I do have a few final requests, regarding the Queen’s more.. unique quirks and piccadillos.
Concierge: I promise you – there’s nothing we won’t do to make Your Majesty’s stay comfortable.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Excellent! Now, the reason I don’t include the following requests in the fax is that they require and added layer of discretion. Am I understood?
Concierge: Yes. Of course.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: [ attempts to put his glasses on, but the left arm won’t cooperate in going properly over his left ear ] Fortunately, they’re just an affectation. [ audience cracks up ] Excellent! Well, firstly, uh – please remove all sheets, and replace them with rubber sheets.
Concierge: R-rubber sheets?
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Yes. Do you think you can find some?
Concierge: Um.. yes. Of course. Of course.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Good. Now, the Queen may have one or two friends over —
Concierge: Of course.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: — so, please procure forty bottles of Belvedere vodka.. and place them on every flat surface in the room, with the cap half-twisted off. Make sure there is no distance greater than eight meters between bottles.
Concierge: I’m gonna write this down.. [ grabs a pad and pen ]
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Do you have mini-refrigerators?
Concierge: Uh – that, we have.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Excellent! We’ll put the mini-refrigerator in a separate room. Fill that room with other mini-pieces of furniture, like.. mini-tables.. mini-chairs.
Concierge: [ writing ] I’m sorry. I don’t understand.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Well, after a long day of appearances, Her Majesty likes to unwind by pretending she is a giant. And will go to that room to smash things. When you hear the smashing, send two hotel security guards to the room. Make sure they are midgets. When the Queen answers the door, have the midgets run away, screaming, “Oh, no! It’s the giant, Glombo! Run, run!”
Concierge: Okay! [ chuckles ]
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: At no point is anyone in your staff to make direct eye contact with the Queen.
Concierge: I will let them know.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: She prefers, instead, that they make direct eye contact with her breasts. And, when addressing her, begin every sentence with the words “Homina, homina!”
Concierge: “Homina, homina?”
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Her Majesty will also accept: “Owww-oooooga!”
Concierge: Got it.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Now, Her Majesty loves American TV.
Concierge: Great!
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Uh, but she deplores American accents. So you need to hire British actors to re-record the dialogue for all shows on TV each night.
Concierge: Uh, what shows does she watch?
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: She flips around.
Concierge: We have over sixty channels.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: And yet, there is only one Queen, and so many hotels to choose from.
Concierge: Understood.
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Please screw in two hooks to the ceiling above the shower. Each should be able to sustain the weight of a two-hundred pound man.
Concierge: [ confused ] Hooks?
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: And I do believe that is it.
Concierge: I hope you don’t mind my asking, but do you have to do this at every hotel?
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Everywhere except France, where most of it is there already.
Concierge: Well, we are very excited!
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Thank you. Oh, and one other thing: Her Majesty does not trust safes. So she keeps all her valuables.. in the toilet.
Concierge: And what – what do I need to do about that?
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: [ hands money to her ] Well, you need to take this four-hundred pounds, and keep it, with my apology, to whoever cleans out the safe.
Concierge: [ understood ] I see.. okay.. yes..
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: But, most importantly, just remember – she’s a regular person, just like anyone else. [ smiles ]
Concierge: Great. Will you be here when she arrives?
Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Absolutely not. Good day. [ exits, leaving Concierge greatly confused ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 28th, 2006 Hugh Laurie Beck None Lorne Michaels Sacha Baron Cohen Ken Davitian Kazakhstan Ministry of InformationSummary: In the wake of NBC’s budget cuts, Lorne Michaels announces that he’s sold the first five minutes of “Saturday Night Live” to a foreign government, then cuts to a message from the Kazakhstan Ministry of Information delivered by Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen) with silent observation from Azamat (Ken Davitian). Bio: Sacha Baron Cohen (1971-). Comedian; inspired by Peter Sellers; starred in HBO series “Da Ali G Show” as Ali G, Borat, and Brüno; expanded the middle into 2006 feature film, “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.” Bio: Ken Davitian (1953-). Armenian-born actor; best-known as Borat’s producer in “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” (2006); founded Sherman Oaks restaurant, The Dip, in 2003. Transcript
Montage
Hugh Laurie’s MonologueSummary: Hugh Laurie introduces himself to the audience by outlining his acting history. Bio: Hugh Laurie (1959-). Actor; starred in British comedy hits “Blackadder”, “Jeeves and Wooster”, “A Bit of Fry and Laurie”, and “Saturday Live”; star of “House, M.D.” on American television. Note: A pre-recorded applause track noticably fades once Hugh Laurie begins his monologue. Transcript
Most HauntedSummary: Derek Acorah (Hugh Laurie) accidentally cuts a fart while investigating a haunted house, which his dimwitted paranormal team (Fred Armisen, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader) mistake as a message from a ghost. Note: The FOX logo from the upcoming “World Series 2006” sketch appears in the upper-right corner as the current sktch fades out. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Robert Smigel, President George W. Bush displays a pair of political attack ads the Republicans will use against the Democrats during this year’s midterm elections.
2006 World SeriesSummary: At the World Series, contest winner Pamela Bell (Maya Rudolph) delivers her milked version of “The Star Spangled Banner.” Note: As the sketch fades into the commercial, Don Pardo mistakenly announces that the next live show will air on “Monday, November 11th.” Transcript
Advance ManSummary: While preparing for Queen Elizabeth’s viit to New York, her advance man (Hugh Laurie) goes over her accomodation needs with the concierge (Kristen Wiig) at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. Note: Hugh Laurie has difficulty getting his reading glasses on with one hand, and thus bypasses the need for them. Transcript
HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) administers a round-table discussion on the upcoming midterm elections with Ken Mehlman (Andy Samberg) and Howard Dean (Jason Sudeikis). Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Howard Dean.
Hugh’s Protest SongSummary: Hugh Laurie sings a Dylanesque protest song, in which he mumbles through the solution to the war. Note: Hugh Laurie originally performed this bit on the first episode of the fourth season of “A Bit of Fry and Laurie” in 1995. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces that he’s running for Senator of America. A same-sex couple from New Jersey (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader) comment on their state’s recent gay marriage ruling. Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Vinnie, Gay Guy from New Jersey. Transcript
American Medical AssociationSummary: Mr. Dallas Rivers (Kenan Thompson) gives a doctor (Will Forte) a hard time during his visit to the emergency room to treat his broken leg. Transcript
The Curse of FrankensteinSummary: On a presentation of the Late Night Movie, an angry mob crowd searches in vain for Frankenstein’s Monster (Bill Hader), who tries to fool them into thinking Dracula (Jason Sudeikis) is the real monster they’re after. Transcript
Linder & BowlesSummary: Linder (Fred Armisen) and Bowles (Hugh Laurie) “oooohhhh” and “oooohhhh” over the credentials on interviewee Rebecca’s (Amy Poehler) resume. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Casual BitchSummary: The inappropriate clothing line for the working woman.
Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Halloween special. Recurring Characters: Vincent Price.
E-Z Date.comSummary: Entrepreneuer Cal Brandeis (Jason Sudeikis) acts as virtual pimp for a new dating service that will discreetly deliver a “date” to your door within minutes of registering online.
“Lost” ExtrasSummary: A group of extras (Hugh Laurie, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig) are ignored during a taping of “Lost.”
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Desperate to get noticed by celebrity magazines, Andy Samberg and Fred Armisen wander around New York.
Speed Reader
The BarSummary: A drunkard (Andy Samberg) asks other patrons if they want to go somewhere with him.
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories.
U.S. Intelligence, this week, confirmed North Korea’s claim that it exploded a nuclear bomb inside a mountain. This officially makes North Korea a nuclear threat, but only if they can lower their enemies dep inside a mountain.
On Tuesday, the U.S. population hit 300 million. “Oh, that’s so cute!” said China.
Seth Meyers: If recent polls are correct, and Democrats win back control of the House and Senate, President Bush’s administration will be transformed into an early lame duck. Worse, Cheney will then shoot it.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair joined a passionate, and increasingly contentious, debate on Tuesday over the full-faced veils worn by some British Muslim women, calling it “a mark of separation.” Yeah, why can’t they just wear something normal, like a three-foot furry turd hat?
Amy Poehler: In an effort to cut 750 million dollars from its budget next year, NBC plans to air fewer comedies and dramas, which are expensive to produce, and air cheaper reality shows and game shows. So, get ready for NBC’s newest hit, “Who Wants a Roll of Pennies!”
President Bush acknowledged, Friday, that the situation in Iraq was tough, and siad he would consutl with American generals to see if a change in tactics was necessary to combat the escalating violence. Then he made some clicking sounds, said he had another call coming in, and hung up the phone.
Seth Meyers: Last sunday, six million people tuned in to the season finale of “Flavor of Love,” Flava Flav’s reality-dating show, making it the highest rated show in VH-1 history. Joining us to tell us what he’s up to now – Flavor Flav!
Flavor Flav: Yeahhhhhhhh!! Ha ha ha! Flavor Flav! Yo, what up, jig?
Seth Meyers: Oh, it’s great to see you, Flav. Uh – congratulations on your show’s success —
Flavor Flav: Yeah!
Seth Meyers: Uh – what are you up to now?
Flavor Flav: Thank you. Yo, you know what I’m sayin’ – Flavor’s just chillin’, you know what I’m sayin’? And, um, I’m gearin’ up for da midterm elections. Yeah.
Seth Meyers: Really? You’re into politics, Flav?
Flavor Flav: Oh, yeah, boi! My fear is dat da youth of America aren’t payin’ attention to politics. I mean, I believe we need to find a way to regain their focus and attention. Therefore, I’m givin’ all politicians nicknames! Let’s go, here we go! [ Nancy Palosi headshot appears behind Flavor Flav ] Nancy Palosi, first up! Alright, let me see, um.. she got a little soft bottom, so I’m gonna call her “Cushin’ Tushin'”! Yeah!
[ Katharine Harris headshot ] Okay. Next up is Katharine Harris. Alright, um.. I see she’s kinda top-heavy. so.. I’m gonna call her “Rack Attack”! Yeah – Rack Attack!
[ Dianne Feinstein headshot ] Next up – who’s that? Oh, that’s Dianne Feinstein. That’s Dianne Feinstein right there, I got no poblems with Dianne Feinstein! Lemme see, um.. she’s grey on top.. probably white down below.. s I’m gonna call her “Santa Claus”! [ gives a thimbs-up ] Santa Claus, yeah!
[ Barbara Boxer headshot ] Whoooo!! Barbara Boxer! Damn, boi! Lemme see, um.. she looks a lot like Nancy Palosi.. so, uh.. I’m gonna call her “Nancy Palosi”! Yeah!
[ male politician headshot ] Lemme see. I don’t know who dat is. [ male politican headshot ] I don’t know who dat is. [ Barack Obama headshot ] I don’t know who dat is.
Seth Meyers: You don’t.. know who Barack Obama is?
Flavor Flav: I don’t like the politic-os – I like the politic-hoes! [ gives a thumbs-up ] Yeah, dawgs!
Amy Poehler: Oh, this is fun! This is fun, Flavor Flav! I want a nickname, too!
Flavor Flav: [ excited ] Oh, I didn’t see you! Lemme see, um.. you got the blonde hair on top.. kinda funny.. I’m gonna call you “Barney Rubble” Yeah! Barney Rubble! That’s what’s up!
Amy Poehler: Great! That’s great!
Seth Meyers: Alright, what about me?
Flavor Flav: You “Mr. Nancy Palosi”.
Seth Meyers: Alright, I like it. Flavor flav, everyone!
Flavor Flav: Yeahhhhhh!!! Flavvvvv!!
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Mr. Flav.
The DEA is saying a new drug trend rising in popularity in the South is syrup, which is a concoction that is a cough syrup mixed with a sports drink. That’s weird. My mother used to call that “nap juice.”
Seth Meyers: It was reported that Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid has been using campaign donations instead of his personal money to pay Christmas bonuses for the support staff at the Ritz-Carlton where he lives. It’s part of the Democrats’ “Operation: Blow It Again.”
Because of a back rent dispute, the legendary punk rock club CBGB’s permanently shut down on Sunday. While the club’s future plans are unclear, one thing is certain – they will not be getting back their security deposit. [ show image of grafitti-covered bathroom ]
Amy Poehler: In an open letter to the media, Madonna defended her adoption of a one-year old Malawian boy, saying she did not take the decision to adopt lightly. Madonna asserts that there was just something “really special about this little guy.” [ show image of baby wearing a cone bra ]
Cone bra!
Police in Spain said, Sunday, that more than 17,000 minks on fur farms in northern Spain were set free overnight. To get an idea what that much “free fur” looks like, visit Wellesley College on a Friday night!
Seth Meyers: A stingray in Florida leaped out of the water and stabbed an eighty-one year-old man in the chest on Wednesday. Even stranger, the stingray stabbed the man with a screwdriver.
In November, voters in Nevada and Colorado will decide whether to remove all penalties for adults twenty-one or older, possessing up to an ounce of marijuana, which, if approved, would make the states the leaders in the movement to legalize the drug. [ turns his head ] That’s pretty interesting, huh, Amy?
[ Amy has disappered, leaving a “Colorado or Bust” cardboard sign on her chair in her absence ]
Seth Meyers: [ reaches over ] She left a note.
[ Seth looks at the note, as Amy’s voice narrates its text over the sound of a harmonica ]
Amy Poehler V/O: “Mah dearest Seth: It pains me that I did not get a chance to say goodbye.” [ Seth holds his hand to his chest ] “But you’ve known since you met me that I would gladly trade our friendship for an ounce of hassle-free weed.” [ Seth nods his head knowingly ] “Sincerely yours, Amy. P.S.: I stole your wallet.” [Seth frowns ] “P.P.S.: I also stole your car –” [ Seth crumples the note, as Amy’s voice becomes muffled. He then opens the note back up. ] “–and I just crashed your car.” [ Seth again crumples the note, as Amy’s voice becomes muffled. He then reopens the note. ] “Sorry!”
Seth Meyers: [ smiles ] That’s sweet! [ looks offstage reflectively, then turns to do the next joke ]
Lance Armstrong is denying rumors that he had a homosexual affiar with Matthew McConaughey after he broke up with Sheryl Crow. Said McConaughey: [ in his Matthew McConaughey voice ] Hey. The dude’s only got one nut! The way I count, that makes him a chick! Alright, alright, alright!”
Mike Tyson has proposed a boxing match between him and Ann Wolf, a female middleweight boxer. Many believe the bout would be similar to Bobby Riggs and Billie Jean King’s famed battle of the sexes, but only if Billie Jean King had been punched to death.
Amy Poehler: Rapper Fabulous was shot, early Tuesday, after leaving a Manhattan restaurant. His condition was upgraded from criticalous to stableous.
After twenty-years, and sales of nearly seven million cars, Frod has announced that it will no longer make the Taurus, forcing many thirty-somethings to find a new way to show the world they’ve given up on their dreams.
Air Date:
