SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Korean Central Television

Kim Jong Il…..Amy Poehler
Guards…..Bill Hader, Fred Armisen

[Network logo for KCT]

Announcer: You’re watching Korean Central Television! Coming up at seven o’clock, it’s a documentary: National Treasure: The Yonjibong Pine Tree. Followed by Magnum P.I. Then, it’s ten hours of darkness! But first, an address from the glorious leader, Kim Jong Il!

[James Bond style theme music plays as Jong Il fences, saves a baby from a burning building, and has a shoot-out in the Old West. Fireworks play over the cursive text “Kim Jong Il” as he grins at the camera.]

[Jong Il sits on an ornate throne, flanked by two guards. His feet do not reach the floor.]

Kim Jong Il: Greetings, fellow citizens of the People’s Democratic Republic of Korea! Today I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we have a nuclear bomb! Ha cha cha! [gives two thumbs up] Now the bad news. Great imperialist aggressor the United States has passed UN Resolution 1718, putting cruel trade sanctions on our noble country. What does it mean for the People’s Republic of Korea? I’m not going to lie to you. The bountiful and prosperous times that our nation has known up until now are no more! It is belt-tightening time. And if you have a leather belt, it is probably belt-eating time. [In a Hank Kingsley voice] Hey now. [does jazz hands]

But let’s be honest. This country has had it easy for too long. It’s time to make some sacrifices! [graphic goes up depicting this] Where a family of four used to get one bag of rice, five gallons of water and no bags of sand, they will now get a half a bag of rice, no gallon of water, and ten bags of sand.

[back to Jong Il] So it’s one of these. [balance scale impression with hands] Check this out! March!

[camera widens to watch the two guards march] March higher! [the guards do] Stop! [they stop] Ha ha, I love that!

Don’t think Kim Jong Il does not have to make sacrifices as well! What if I need a part for one of my fish tank motors? I will not be able to order it! I will have to take it from another one of my fish tank motors. Ohhh, thinking about it drives me craaaazy! [shakes fists]

In closing, I have a nuclear bomb! To America, I would like to say: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat, wisenheimers!” Until next time, save me the aisle seat. [blows a kiss at the camera, Dating Game-style]

[KCT network logo]

Announcer: This has been an address from the glorious leader, Kim Jong Il!

[Jong Il breaks through the graphic to the Looney Tunes theme]

Kim Jong Il: Muhmuhmuhmuh, that’s all, folks!

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Goodnights

…..John C. Reilly

John C. Reilly: Thanks to My Chemical Romance and Mr. Will Ferrell! It’s been an amazing week! May your God bless you. Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Colonial Williamsburg

Gary…..John c. Reilly
Mr. Morrison…..Jason Sudeikis
Denise…..Maya Rudolph
Darnell…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Colonial Williamsburg, stock footage of horse-and-buggy going past ]

[ dissolve to Gary, dressed in colonial garb, narrating to tour group ]

Gary: [ adjusting his tri-corner hat ] Ah! There we are! [ begins: ] Now, the early settlers used wood for a number of purposes: building, heat, cooking.. games of chance —

[ Gary’s manager, Mr. Morrison, steps right into the middle of the scene, dressed casually in a short-sleeve shirt and tie ]

Mr. Morrison: Uh – sorry, folks. Gary, can I talk to you for a second?

Gary: Oh. Hey, Mr. Morrison! [ to the tour group ] Alright, many pardons, travelers! Please, travel off by ways! [ waves his hand away, as they begin to disperse ]

Mr. Morrison: Maybe you could get a churro or something!

[ the tour group has finally moved along ]

Gary: Could I offer you half a johnny cake, Mr. Morrison?

Mr. Morrison: Uh, no thanks, Gary. Uh – uh, you’ve worked here at Colonial Williamsburg for what, three weeks now?

Gary: Uh – a fortnight and a half-fortnight, yes.

Mr. Morrison: Right. Yeah. uh – well, I just want to start out by saying that we love,/i> your enthusiasm for the job. It’s clear you have a.. real passion for history.

Gary: Well, as I told you when I first started here – I’ve always longed to harken back to an earlier time.

Mr. Morrison: Yeah. You know, once again, I’m impressed both with that sentiment, and with your.. use of the word “harken”, which.. you really came within a stone’s throw of using correctly once. The thing is, since you started here, Gary, uh, a number of people have come to me with some complaints about you.

Gary: Well, they should file them at Town Hall, like the rest of us!

Mr. Morrison: Right. You’re, of course, referring to the building with the “Town Hall” sign, which is.. actually the gift shop.

Gary: Oh, I get it! sort of like how the old — Ye Olde Apothecary’s really the bathrooms!

Mr. Morrison: No. No, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that, too. Uh – back to my original point. You know, it’s no secret that you’ve had some problems with some of the other employees – or, more accurately, it’s one particular group that’s had a problem with you. Uh – Gary, would you care to guess which one that is?

Gary: [ thinking ] Those dastardly British?

Mr. Morrison: Mmm-hmm. No, no. We don’t have any British employees. Why don’t you guess again?

Gary: [ thinking ] I hope you’re not gonna tell me it’s the Slaves.

Mr. Morrison: There’s no slaves here, Gary. Alright? There’s no slaves. There are, however, some very unhappy African-American employees.

Gary: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. Morrison. Ugh! This johnny cake is so dry. [ looks offscreen ] Mammy!! Fetch me some water from the well!

Mr. Morrison: No, that’s —

[ an employee named Denise, dressed like a colonial slavegirl, exits from one of the colonial houses ]

Denise: [ to Gary ] As I’ve told you before.. my name is Denise. Not “Mammy.” Mr. Morrison, this is completely offensive —

Mr. Morrison: Alright —

Denise: Can you please talk to him while I go get ready for Aunt Bessie’s Honkytonk Jamboree. [ dons a Mammy headdress, gives Gary a dirty look, then exits ]

Mr. Morrison: Of course, Denise.

Gary: Mr. Morrison, I – I don’t understand. She’s playing a slave! I’m just treating her the way my character would have treated her in colonial times!

Mr. Morrison: Okay. Okay. Well, she’s not the only one, though, Gary. Lamar Paulsen, for example, is very upset.

Gary: Well, again – I’m just treating him as his character. You know, I always try to be as historically accurate as possible, while within these grounds!

Mr. Morrison: Okay. But Lamar works in the corporate office, which is about thirty miles away from “the grounds.” and, for someone who’s trying to be “historiclaly accurate”, you’ve sent a whole lot of offensive e-mails!

Gary: Well.. I-I do have to take some historical liberties just to live my life!

Mr. Morrison: Yeah. Well, you’ve also been extremely offensive towards out many Asian-American tour groups, which, aside from being horribly inappropriate, has absolutely no historical basis! Because there weren’t any Asian people around in colonial times!

Gary: Well.. as always, I’ve tried to put myself in the mind of a colonial person! And I truly believe that, had they been given the opportunity, they would have hated Asian people, too!

Mr. Morrison: Uh-huh.

Gary: That’s my favorite part about this place – using your imaginiation!

Mr. Morrison: I guess what I’m trying to say, Gary, is that I think your racist behavior has nothing,/i> to do with where you work.

Gary: Wow! Mr. Morrrison! I have to be honest with you – you’re starting to sound a lot like my boss at Best BUy.

Mr. Morrison: Gary, I’m gonna have to ask you to hang up your tri-corner hat.

[ Darnell, dressed as a town crier, enters scene clanging his bell ]

Darnell: Hear ye, hear ye! Racist Cracker gets his ass fired at Williamsburg! [ clangs bell ] Soon to get jumped in the parking lot! [ clangs bell menacingly at Gary ]

Mr. Morrison: That’s enough, Darnell. That’s enough.

Darnell: Oh. Oh, okay. [ shakes his bell violently in front of Darnell for a couple of extra seconds before turning away ]

Gary: Those kneesocks are inaccurate!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: Two A-Holes Work Out with a Trainer

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Two A-Holes Work Out with a Trainer

Matt the trainer….. John C. Reilly
Male A-Hole….. Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole….. Kristin Wiig

[FADE IN on a slide which looks like workout dumbbells with title captions on it.]

Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, two A-Holes work out with a trainer.

[Matt leans on a treadmill at a gym as the A-Holes approach him. The Male A-Hole has his iPod earbuds in, the Female A-Hole is texting into her phone]

Male A-Hole: You work here?

Matt: Yes, I do, can I help you?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re supposed to meet up with some trainer. What’s his name, babe?

Female A-Hole: Matt.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, go get Matt.

Matt: Oh, actually, I’m Matt. Were you guys my two o’clock?

Male A-Hole: That us, babe?

Female A-Hole: [looking at her nails] Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, that’s us.

Matt: Okay, well, now you know it’s 2:55.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, don’t worry. We got here at two.

Matt: [confused] What? You were here at two? Why didn’t you come find me?

Male A-Hole: Why didn’t you come find us?

Matt: I didn’t know what you looked like?

Female A-Hole: You do now. [rolls eyes, Male A-Hole points at her]

Matt: OK. Um, I’ll tell you what. I’ve got a half hour before I need to go, we could at least get you started.

Male A-Hole: Whaddya think, babe?

Female A-Hole: I don’t care.

Male A-Hole: We don’t care.

Matt: Okay, well, what do you guys normally do for exercise?

Male A-Hole: What do we do, babe?

Female A-Hole: [disinterestedly] For what?

Male A-Hole: For exercise.

Female A-Hole: For what?

Male A-Hole: For exercise.

Female A-Hole: [to Matt] Do you guys sell boxes?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re moving today.

Matt: [confounded] No, we don’t sell boxes. How about you guys just answer a couple fitness questions, okay?

Male A-Hole: That okay, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, shoot.

Matt: Fine. Now that you have a trainer, what are your goals?

Male A-Hole: I wanna own a horse.

Matt: No, uh, I meant physically, what are your goals.

Male A-Hole: Ohhh, right right right, I gotcha. I wanna physically own a horse.

Matt: [gives up] Okay, great. Um, what about you? [gestures to Female A-Hole]

Female A-Hole: I wanna lose 45 pounds.

Matt: [startled] Wait, did you, did you say 45 pounds?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, don’t forget about my horse.

Matt: Yes, I got the horse, thanks. Miss, losing 45 pounds would not be good for you.

Female A-Hole: Okay, then I want a horse, too.

Male A-Hole: Yeah. We’ll take two physical horses.

Matt: You know what, let’s just skip the questions. How about you hop on the treadmill so I can, you know, measure your heart rate. [Female A-Hole steps on the treadmill.] Um, you’ve used one of these before, right?

Female A-Hole: [duh] Yeah!

Matt: Okay. Great.

[Matt starts the treadmill. She continues to text, neglects to walk, and steps off the treadmill when she reaches the end of it.]

Male A-Hole: Good job, babe. You have fun?

Female A-Hole: Yeah. It’s like the sidewalk on The Jetsons.

Male A-Hole: Right. [to Matt] You know what The Jetsons are?

Matt: [nods] Yes, I know what the Jetsons are.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she can do the voice of the dog Astro. Babe, do your Astro voice. [she looks at him] Astro voice, go. [she looks at him some more]

Female A-Hole: Ra-ra roy. [he nods]

Male A-Hole: She said “bye, Elroy”.

Matt: [unenthused] Yeah, I got that. Yeah.

Female A-Hole: He does Shaggy.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, you know the guy from Scooby-doo?

Matt: Yes. [they all look at each other] So you gonna do it, or —

Male A-Hole: Nope.

Matt: Okay, fine, why don’t we just–

Male A-Hole: [in same voice] Zoinks. [he laughs]

Matt: Look, folks, not to be rude, but the two of you have wasted more than an hour of my time. You know, the last thing it seems like you want to do is exercise. You don’t even know how to use the treadmill. [The A-Holes stare at him.] I mean, why are you even here? [The A-Holes stare at him.] Okay, now you’re just staring at me. [They continue to stare] Did I offend you? [Female A-Hole rolls her eyes] Wow, this is absurd. Uh, never happened to me before. I don’t know how to feel. Um, I’m kind of mad… [They stare at him] I’m embarrassed. [pauses] I guess I’m mostly embarrassed. I have to go now, okay? I’m going to be leaving. All right? Goodbye. [he leaves]

Male A-Hole: Great work-out, babe.

Female A-Hole: Yeah, I’m sweating.

Male A-Hole: Yeah. [nods] Hey, gimme a little more Astro, babe.

Female A-Hole: “Roo rook rike a rabbit.”

Male A-Hole: Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 21st, 2006

John C. Reilly

My Chemical Romance

None

Will Ferrell
Special Report with Brit HumeSummary: Brit Hume presents Part One of his interview with President George W. Bush (Will Forte), in which Bush agrees with each of his statements.

Recurring Characters: Brit Hume, President George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

John C. Reilly’s MonologueSummary: James Lipton (Will Ferrell) praises John C. Reilly for his film performances.

Recurring Characters: James Lipton.

Bio: John C. Reilly (1965-). Character actor; co-starred with Will Ferrell in “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” (2006), later headlined “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story” (2007).

Transcript

Colonial WilliamsburgSummary: The manager (Jason Sudeikis) at Colonial Williamsburg has to fire Gary (John C. Reilly) for acting racist toward his co-workers in the name of historical accuracy.

Transcript

Swimming LessonSummary: Swimming teacher Doug Frangelo (John C. Reilly) makes sure his student (Will Forte) gains enough experience swimming on land before stepping into the water.

Transcript

Korean Central TelevisionSummary: Kim Jong Il (Amy Poehler) addresses the nation of North Korea.

Recurring Characters: Kim Jong Il.

Transcript

Two A-Holes Work Out with a TrainerSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) show up late for their exercise workout, completely wasting their trainer’s (John C. Reilly) time.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Transcript

My Chemical Romance performs “Welcome to the Black Parade”Bio: Punk-pop band; formed in 2001 by lead singer Gerard Way and drummer Matt Pelissier; adopted their name from author Irvine Welsh’s novel “Three Tales Of Chemical Romance”; other members are guitarist Frank Iero, bassist Mikey Way, guitarist Ray Toro, and drummer Bob Bryar (who replaced Pelissier in 2004).

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Flavor Flav (Kenan Thompson) makes up nicknames female congressional members.

Recurring Characters: Flavor Flav.

Note: In dress rehearsal, Andy Samberg and Fred Armisen appeared respectively as YouTube founders Chad Hurley and Steve Chen.

Transcript

Mexican RestaurantSummary: Due to a breakup with her boyfriend, Jennifer (John C. Reilly) becomes emotionally unstable during lunch with her girlfriends (Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Kristin Wiig).

Transcript

House of CartersSummary: Sibling rivalry between Nick Carter (Jason Sudeikis) and younger brother Aaron (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Aaron Carter.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Harpoon Man (John C. Reilly) tracks down the announcer (Andy Samberg) who’s making negative comments about him during his theme song.

Transcript

McMillan Family Moment ISummary: McMillan dad (John C. Reilly) tries to pass along the family tradition for eating an Oreo cookie to his ungrateful son (Andy Samberg).

Transcript

Operation BearsharkSummary: Scientists break out into song after the funding for Operation Bearshark is cut off.

McMillan Family Moment IISummary: McMillan dad (John C. Reilly) once again tries to pass along the family tradition for eating an Oreo cookie to a black boy (Kenan Thompson).

Transcript

My Chemical Romance performs “Cancer”Lyrics

McMillan Family Moment IIISummary: McMillan dad (John C. Reilly) lashes out at his own father (Jason Sudeikis) after learning he got the family tradition for eating an Oreo cookie all wrong.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Support GroupSummary: Newsmakers Madonna (Amy Poehler), Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph), Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond), John Mark Karr (Bill Hader), and a stingray (Andy Samberg) are united in notoreity at a support group meeting.

Recurring Characters: Madonna, Paris Hilton, Donald Rumsfeld.

Note: This sketch served as the cold opening at dress rehearsal.

E-Z Date.comSummary: Entrepreneuer Cal Brandeis (Jason Sudeikis) acts as virtual pimp for a new dating service that will discreetly deliver a “date” to your door within minutes of registering online.

CoachSummary: A football coach (John C. Reilly) visits one of his star players (Andy Samberg) in the hospital.

Sale-martSummary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits.

New HatSummary: Spokesman (John C. Reilly) promotes a hot dog wrapper hat.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

WVIR News

Gil…..Jason Sudeikis
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Crystal Duggler…..Jaime Pressly

[FADE IN on Gil at the WVIR anchor desk with a cheesy grin on his face.]

Gil: [in a nasal voice] Well, thank God we’ll have terrific weather for the Oysterfest this weekend. [laughs stupidly] And now let’s go to Michelle Dison with “Around the Town.” Michelle?

[CUT to Michelle in a dark business suit standing next to a blonde in a swimsuit in front of a car dealership.]

Michelle Dison: [into microphone] Hi, Gil! I’m here at Bob Gibson Pontiac with the winner of this year’s “Hands on a Hardbody” contest, Crystal Duggler. First of all, Crystal, congratulations.

Crystal Duggler: [bends over to microphone] Thank you so muuuu…ch.

[Crystal straightens and grins perkily with her hands on her hips for a long moment. As she does, Michelle looks her body up and down.]

Michelle Dison: [glances up] I’m sorry. Where did I go? [takes a deep breath] Um… now, um… Crystal, tell us about this “Hands on a Hardbody” contest.

Crystal Duggler: Well, what happens is, everybody stands around a brand new truck, touching it, and you can’t stop touching it, ever, or else you’re out, and when–

Michelle Dison: Can I, can I just say something? Uh, you are a very pretty girl. [snickers self-consciously] Yes, you’re very pretty. Isn’t she, Gil?

[CUT to Gil at the anchor desk absently sipping a mug of tea.]

Gil: [looks up with a start] Oh, uh, yes. [sets down mug] Yes, she is.

[CUT back to Bob Gibson Pontiac.]

Michelle Dison: [leering at Crystal] With nice skin, and tan… gorgeous.

Crystal Duggler: Thank you, I mean, I thought I looked terrible, I’ve been standing here with my hand on a truck for three days, so…

Michelle Dison: Well, if you look this good after all that, I can’t even imagine how good you look fresh out of the shower.

[They stand awkwardly for a long moment as Crystal’s smile slowly fades. Michelle points her mike to her, but Crystal does not speak.

Michelle Dison: Uh, it…

[laughter]

Michelle Dison: Um… Anyway, uh, what made you, uh, want to do a contest like this?

Crystal Duggler: Well, I just wanted to… y’know, try something…

Michelle Dison: ‘Cause you, you could model. You, you should model. The combination of your face, and all this, uh… you could be modeling–you should be modeling. [points to camera] That camera there would love you. This camera loves you. My camera, these camera eyes… [points to her own eyes] …love you. I love you. I mean, I don’t even know you… [laughs nervously] But… the way you look is, um… is really great.

Crystal Duggler: [bends down to mike] Thanks.

Michelle Dison: [fights for composure] So, um… how many hours were you standing there?

Crystal Duggler: Oh, about seventy-eight hours.

Michelle Dison: Someone must go to the gym.

[laughter]

Michelle Dison: [to camera] Gil, y’know, the only thing I could look at for 78 hours is this face. [points to Crystal] You’re…

[laughter]

Michelle Dison: I mean, your face is, um, one of a kind. [rapidly] I mean, I know all faces are one of a kind–unless you’re a twin, then, um…

Crystal Duggler: Well, actually, I’m an only child–

Michelle Dison: Me too!! We should talk about that later. [in a singsong voice] “Something in commonnnnnn…”

[CUT back to Gil.]

Gil: All right, let’s wrap it up, Michelle!

[CUT back to the car lot.]

Crystal Duggler: Uh, can I just say hi to my little niece? [bends to mike and waves to camera] Hi, Jenny! Hiiiii!

[Crystal becomes aware that Michelle is stealing a sniff of her hair, and she straightens up nervously.]

Michelle Dison: [in a reporter’s voice] Crystal, you are friggin’ unbelievable… um, and you know, Crystal, I’m going through a terrible divorce… um, I mean, I am a total wreck.

Crystal Duggler: You know, I should get going, cause I really haven’t eaten, I need a meal.

Michelle Dison: Me too!! That’s weird, I was just saying–oh, where could we go… [softly] Where could we go… to eat together–GOD, your BODY!

Crystal Duggler: Michelle, you know, I think your divorce has you in a really bad place, or… maybe you’re just like this all the time, I don’t know. But you took what would have been the best day of my life, and poured a big ol’ bucket of creep juice on it, so… you get some help. [She pats Michelle’s hair quickly and dashes away. Michelle touches her hair where Crystal touched it, and struggles to maintain some semblance of composure.]

Michelle Dison: Gil, are you there?

Gil: [at desk] Yes.

Michelle Dison: That, that was bad, wasn’t it?

Gil: Yeah.

[CUT back to Michelle as bird poop lands on her left shoulder and leaves a white splatter down her sleeve. She stands perfectly still for a long moment.]

Michelle Dison: [tightly] Gil?

Gil: [at desk] Yes?

Michelle Dison: I’m–I’m still on camera, aren’t I?

Gil: [off camera] Yeah. Yeah, you are.

[Michelle drifts to the left edge of the screen and looks close to tears. CUT back to the studio.]

Gil: Well, that was embarrassing–we’ll be right back!

[News theme plays as Gil nervously shuffles his papers. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2


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06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Peter O’Toole…..Bill Hader
Charo…..Maya Rudolph
Fugly Betsy…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, House Speaker Dennis Hastert denied all claims that he knew about all of congressman Marc Foley’s e-mails to a teenaged male page, saying he was unaware about how bad Marc’s transgressions were until last Friday…when he forgot to knock. Hastert also told reporters he will not be pressured to step down in wake of the Marc Foley scandal; some say Hastert will not step down as there’s a good chance he’ll go right through the floor.

Seth Meyers: On Thursday, Condoleeza Rice’s surprise visit in Baghdad was delayed 30 minutes because of indirect fire at the airport. And also because she needed time to put on her bulletproof hair.

Last week, the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric finished in third place, earning her the nickname Dan Rather.

Amy Poehler: It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America’s victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046.

Seth Meyers: After retiring last Friday in the wake of his congressional page sex scandal, Marc Foley said he was an alcoholic and entered rehab, an all too familiar move that has some alcoholics up in arms. Here to comment on this growing trend is seven-time Oscar nominee and legendary drunk, Peter O’Toole!

Peter O’Toole: [Walks out with glass of whiskey in hand] Aha! Seth, Amy, ’tis I, Peter O’Toole. Over the years, I’ve attained some notoriety as one who will, from time to time, enjoy a cocktail. Or a hundred cocktails. For my behavior, I have been awarded with the present title, “Alcoholic.” A high honor indeed. A toast! To me! [Laughs in a haze and sips his drink] But now, this putrid, silly congressman from Florida, Marc Foley. A pox on him! Calling himself an alcoholic, when in fact, the man is just a pervy little creep! In my most heroic and glorious drunkenness, I have never dreamed of diddling the doinks of young boys. I have s myself, I have soiled my friends, and I have passed out cold in many unsavory lavatories–for which I’m very proud. But I am not a pervert. I’m a drunk. I drink, I talk too loud, I knock stuff over…one time, when I was insatiably drunk, Albert Finney and I stole a train! That’s the kind of fun we alcoholics like to have! [Laughs and sips drink again] Mel Gibson can say he’s an alcoholic, but we know he’s all just a racist. I’m not a racist; I slept in many a bathrub, I wandered the streets at night without my trousers, I once borrowed a circus elephant and took it to a dance! All this, because I was an alcoholic. A rich and wonderful tradition, not to be confused with racism or perversion. Thank you Seth and Amy, I’d love to talk more, but as you can see, this is my stop.

Seth Meyers: Peter O’Toole, everyone! [Peter walks off wrong side of stage]

Amy Poehler: Legend! A legend. Former KISS guitarist Vinnie Vincent, who played with the band from 1982 to 1984, lost a Supreme Court appeal Monday in a dispute over royalties with his former bandmates. Vincent had a feeling things weren’t going to go his way when he walked into court and saw Justice Alito looking like this. [Shows Alito with Gene Simmons’s KISS makeup]

Seth Meyers: Democrats accuse Senate Majority leader Bill Frist of waving a white flag, saying the Afghan war against Taliban guerrillas cannot be won militarily. Things must be bad in Afghanistan if Bill frist is ready to give up; remember, this is the guy who thought we could still fix Terri Schavio. S

Iranian leader Sayid Amil Kamani ruled this week that masturbation during the month of Ramadan invalidates fasting. I think if that’s true, you’re doing it wrong. [Semi applause]

Amy Poehler: [Audience still laughing at previous joke] More than a dozen are suing Hollywood Paws, an animal talent agency, for failing to turn their animals into movie stars. A spokesman for Hollywood Paws said it wasn’t their fault, as many of their pets refused to do nudity. [Shows picture of a dog with his genitals censored]

French authorities seized allegedly more than 100 tabs of the drug ecstasy from Jimmy Buffet’s luggage this week. The good news is they also found his lost shaker of salt.

Seth Meyers: According to new research, about 1/3 of American kids, ages 12-19, fail treadmill tests, failing heart and respiratory health. Even worse, this is the test: [Multiple choice test shows up with pictures of a TV, chicken, treadmill and a box that says All of the Above]

A fungus affecting crops in the midwest may lead to a pumpkin shortage this Halloween. Farmers are starting to promote a new vegetable, the spinach-o-lantern.

Amy Poehler: Well, the new fall TV season is underway, and ABC’s Ugly Betty is one of the stand-out hits, bringing in tremendous ratings. Not to be outdone, NBC has added a new show to their fall schedule, and here to tell all about it is the star of the series, Fugly Betsy.

Fugly Betsy: Hi you guys! I’m so excited about this project. I play an intelligent but unattractive young girl who gets her dream job as an assistant at a fashion magazine.

Amy Poehler: You know, I have to say, it sounds like NBC’s trying to rip off Ugly Betty.

Fugly Betsy: It’s not! It’s totally a different show! First of all, there’s a lot more sex in ours, so that’s fun. And also, I am by far the best looking person in our cast. If America’s buying ugly, we’re like a fugly superstore!

Amy Poehler: That’s great. This is a real breakthrough for you; have you done any previous work on television?

Fugly Betsy: Uh huh! I played a bludgeoning victim on CSI: New York, aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnddddd… yup, that’s it. Hey Seth! Maybe they should have a show for you called Handsome Seth!

Seth Meyers: Oh, uh…thanks, Betsy, but I think you’re a little young for me.

Fugly Betsy: I’m 53. Fugly don’t crack.

Amy Poehler: Sweet. Well, Betsy, we wish you luck, but it’s gonna be tough beating Ugly Betty; it was a huge hit in Colombia and Salma Hayek is producing it.

Fugly Betsy: Well, guess what? We have a pretty impressive executive producer too. Come on out, Charo!

Charo: WHOO! Yes! Hello! You! Must! Watch! This! Show! It’s gonna inspire a whole heneration of fuggly girls to a-reach their dreams! And, if they a-can’t reach them, they will have sex with a lot of peoples! Cuchi cuchi cuchi!

Amy Poehler: Betsy and Charo, everyone! Fugly Besty and Charo, everyone. Thank you so much. Good luck with your show.

Seth Meyers: A Manhattan eye surgeon is offering free LASIK Eye Surgery in exchange for a pair of Mets playoff tickets. Here’s some advice: If someone can’t afford baseball tickets, don’t let them operate on your eyes. With lasers.

A 24-year-old woman in Bulgaria reportedly survived a car crash, thanks to her silicone breast implants, and not, as originally recorded, because of her great personality.

A 379 foot redwood tree discovered in a remote forest in California has turned out to be the world’s tallest tree. Scientists spotted the tree using a technique they call “looking.”

Amy Poehler: George Michael was arrested on Monday on suspicion of possessing marijuana, after police found them asleep in his car. Apparently, someone forgot to wake him up before they go-go’d.

According to the US census bureau, sometime the population this month will reach 300 million. Nice work, K-Fed!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, good night!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

New York City Stories II

Lou Reed…..Fred Armisen
Patti Smith…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, cabs rolling down a city block, with SUPER: “New York City Stories” ]

[ dissolve to Lou Reed standing across the street from CBGB’s ]

Lou Reed: We’re gonna talk about CBGB’s.

[ Patti Smith joins Lou ]

Patti Smith: CBGB’s. You see this place?

[ cut to close-up of the CBGB banner ]

Patti Smith: The last great place in New York City – they’re shuttin’ it down!

[ cut back to Patti standing in the middle of the street; a car honks its horn ]

They’re gonna turn it in —

[ the car honks its horn again ]

SHUT UP!!

Lou Reed: Back then you used to see pushers, poets, geniuses, losers, junkies, transvestites – all under one roof.

Patti Smith: Joey Ramone. Television. David Byrne.

Lou Reed: They didn’t do it for the money – they did it for the applause. For a drink. [ looks off to the side for a moment ] And the money, too. They got paid. So, yeah, the money, too.

Patti Smith: [ looks offscreen ] Right over there, where the garbage can is, was my apartment in 1974. [ show Patti standing next to the garbage can ] I paid $200 a month.

Lou Reed: Back then, my apartment was up there in that water tower. [ points upward to a water tower atop a building ] I used to share it with Paco and his family.[ they begin singing a variant of “Gloria” ]

Patti Smith: “P-A-C-O!”

Lou Reed: “Ohhhh, down the avenue!”

Patti Smith: “Paco!”

Lou Reed: Right over here, on this corner, I saw Iggy Pop take a swing at a cop’s horse. Can you imagine that? Yeah, I can imagine it. I’ll tell you a little story – one time I saw Dee Dee Ramone eat twenty-seven hot dogs in a row. I was mesmerized.

Patti Smith: You used to be able to go from here.. to here — [ points to the corner she’s standing to across the street to CBGB’s ] and you’d meet five poets.

Lou Reed: Do you know what rock and roll even is?

[ cut to Lou taking a swig from a bottle, then shattering it on the ground beneath his feet ]

It’s not in your iPod. It’s right there [ points to CBGB’s ]

[ return to exterior, cabs rolling down a city block, with SUPER: “New York City Stories” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

New York City Stories

Martin Scorcese…..Fred Armisen
Rosie Perez…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, cabs rolling down a city block, with SUPER: “New York City Stories” ]

[ dissolve to Rosie Perez and Martin Scorcese standing on a city block ]

Martin Scorcese: Are we ready? Are we.. all framed up? [ cut to close-up ] This is my.. favorite street in all of New York. I-I-I grew up all along here, and — [ points down at fire hydrant ] this hydrant used to be the-the best Jewish deli. Pastrami sandwiches — [ holds one hand much higher than the other ] th-this big! Three dollars.

[ cut to Rosie Perez doing “White Men Can’t Jump” dance in the middle of the street ]

[ cut back to Scorcese ]

Martin Scorcese: You-you’d.. kill your mother for it. The-the busboy was, uh.. Bobby DeNiro.

Rosie Perez: [ excited ] Really?! This is the corner where Patrick Ooh-ing kicked me out of his lee-mo!

Martin Scorcese: And this street was also where we, uh, shot a whole lot of “Raging Bull.” It was, uh, all along here, and up-up in the tree — [ points toward the top of the tree ] was the opening tracking shot, and th-that’s where we did all the-the boxing matches.

Rosie Perez: What an unbelievable story! That reminds me of a memory I’m having too! [ points to a post in the ground in front of the fire hydrant ] Where this right here used to be a.. um.. a real phone booth! And I would get a phone cawl from my sister!

[ cut to image of Rosie standing at another angle, miming answering the telephone in the phone booth ]

Rosie Perez V/O: And I would be, like, “Hello?!”

[ cut to Scorcese shaking his head in disbelief ]

Rosie Perez: Those were good times, Martin Scorcese!

[ quick cut to pedestrians trying to hail a taxi cab, before cutting back to Scorcese talking ]

Martin Scorcese: So, the, um, the.. tracking shot in “Goodfellas” – I’m sure you remember that. [ steps closer to the building, points to a pipe in the wall ] The.. tracking shot was all done.. right in there. Got to film the whole thing, that’s – that’s the Copa-copacabana.

Rosie Perez: New York was unbelievable back then! You could take phone cawls – from phone booths – or you could blow bubbles! [ smiles ]

Martin Scorcese: Shoot me dead, if you want to. [ shrugs ]

[ cut to image of a Parisi Bakery truck on the opposite side of the street, then cut back to Scorcese on the sidewalk ]

Martin Scorcese: We had – we used to have, uh – when I was a kid – we used to have cookies – and I’m not exaggerating – they were this big. [ makes a wide circle around his entire body ]

Rosie Perez: That makes me so hong-gree, Martin Scorcese! I want to go get a kwoo-key!

Martin Scorcese: Okay, Rosie Perez – let’s go get some cookies.

[ they continue walking down the street ]

[ return to exterior, cabs rolling down a city block, with SUPER: “New York City Stories” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Corinne Bailey Rae performs “Like a Star”

…..Jaime Pressley
…..Corinne Bailey Rae

Jaime Pressley: Once again – Corinne Bailey Rae.

Corinne Bailey Rae: [ singing ]

“Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I’ll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Oh.. I do love you,

Still I wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

You’ve got this look I can’t describe,
You make me feel like I’m alive,
When everything else is au fait,
Without a doubt you’re on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can’t find the words to write this song,
Oh.,..
Your love,

Still I wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It’s not a secret anymore,
’cause we’ve been through that before,
From tonight I know that you’re the only one,
I’ve been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I’ll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands.”

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts