Jaime Pressley: Ladies and gentlemen – Corinne Bailey Rae.
Corinne Bailey Rae: [ singing ]
“Three little birds sat on my window And they told me I don’t need to worry. Summer came like cinnamon, so sweet Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.
Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it’s alright The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same Oh, don’t you hesitate.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song You go ahead, let your hair down. Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely Sipping tea in the bar by the road side. (just relax, just relax) Don’t you let those other boys fool you Gotta love that afro hairdo.
Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it’s alright The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change Don’t you think it’s strange?
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song You go ahead, let your hair down. Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
Just more than I could take, pity for pity’s sake Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger When you gonna realisz, that you don’t even have to try any longer Do what you want to.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song You go ahead, let your hair down. Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song You go ahead, let your hair down. Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams Just go ahead, let your hair down.
…..Jaime Pressley Redneck with Shotgun…..Jason Sudeikis Slave Woman…..Maya Rudolph Uncle Remus…..Kenan Thompson Ku Klux Klan Man…..Fred Armisen Moonshine Hillbilly…..Will Forte Southern Belle…..Kristen Wiig Col. Sanders…..Bill Hader Deliverance Banjo Guy…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jaime Pressley!
Jaime Pressley: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! This is a dream come true for me, I am so thrilled to be hosting the show tonight. Now, a lot of you know me as “Jot”, my character on “My Name is Earl.” [ audience cheers ] She’s a little trashy — a lot of trashy. And since I really am from the South, people tend to think that’s who I am. They have a preconceived notion that we’re all a bunch of hillbillies, southern belles, and rednecks with shotguns.
[ cut to offstage, where members of the cast dressed like southern stereotypes — rednecks, hillbillies, southern belles, and two slaves — stand in wait ]
Jason Sudeikis: Did she — did she just say we’re not doing a hillbilly/southern belle/redneck-with-a-shotgun thing? Wow!
Maya Rudolph: Jason, you did talk to her about doing this, right?
Jason Sudeikis: No! No, no, no, no! But I thought we’d — you know, she’d be COOL with it. Hey! We’ll just go out — we’ll have fun, we’ll riff around!
Kenan Thompson: Oh, man. Uncle Remus is gettin’ OUT of here! Zippity-doo-dah, my ass! [ walks off ]
Fred Armisen: I think Kenan needs a friend right now. [ dons a Ku Klux Klan hood and runs after Kenan ]
[ cut back to Pressley at Home Base ]
Jaime Pressley: — So I thought I would just sing a song by a fellow southerner — Miss Peggy Lee — who, by the way, NEVER wore Daisy Dukes.
[ the house band plays the notes to “Fever” ]
Jaime Pressley: [ singing ] “Never know how much I love youNever know how much I care.”
[ suddenly, Bill Hader, dressed like Col. Sanders, begins to sway in time behind Pressley ]
Jaime Pressley: [ singing ] “But when you put your arms around meI get a fever –“
[ Pressley now notices Hader swaying behind her ]
Jaime Pressley: Bill! Bill, Bill! [ waves him offstage, starts her song over ]
“When you put your –“
[ Jason, Maya, and Kristen now appear on stage behind Pressley, distracting her once more ]
Jaime Pressley: Okay! Okay, stop! Stop.
Jason Sudeikis: Whoo-hoooooo!! [ fires his shotgun into the air and screams ] I’m Southern! I’m Southern, so Southern! Southern!
Jaime Pressley: I-I thought I made myself EXTREMELY clear, that I did NOT want to do this kind of thing on the show!
Kristen Wiig: We are so sorry, Jaime. We really didn’t want to offend you.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we should’ve known better. But we don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no monologue.
Jaime Pressley: Okay, thanks. It’s-it’s-it’s cool. Go ahead, just get out of here.
[ everyone leaves the stage, except for a bush of cornstalks where Will Forte and Darrell Hammond, dressed like hillbillies, hide ]
Jaime Pressley: You — you guys weren’t going to do a “Hee Haw” bit, were you?
[ Will and Darrell look at one another, admit their defeat and shake their heads ]
Will & Darrell: No.
[ Amy Poehler, dressed like Minnie Pearl, has a different response: ]
Amy Poehler: How-dyyyyy!!
Jaime Pressley: Alright, that’s funny. We got it. Southerners are all a bunch of hicks. Okay. Go ahead. Great. Okay.
[ Will, Darrell, and Amy pick up their cornstalks prop and exit the stage, revealing Andy Samberg dressed as the hillbilly from “Deliverance” sitting on a stool ]
Jaime Pressley: Now — now — wow, this is the worst. Come on down here. You! Let’s go. Come on! [ Andy relunctantly stands up and steps forward ] Now, go ahead and play the — whoever — song.
[ Andy plunks the opening notes to “Dueling Banjos” ]
Jaime Pressley: This is the most offensive Southern stereotype of all. I mean, the super-creepy, halfwit, hillbilly inbred.
Andy Samberg: Actually, I’m in the band.
Jaime Pressley: Oh, I am so sorry.
Andy Samberg: That’s okay. I get it all the time.
[ he begins to strum his banjo and dance around like a hillbilly inbred ]
Jaime Pressley: Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight — Corinne Bailey Rae is here! We’ll be right back!
[ open on interior, casual party atmosphere. Danny and Claire sit on a couch in mid-conversation with Jason and Kristen sitting on an adjacent easychair. ]
Danny: — So he turns around and I yell, “Hey, pal! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?!”
[ the group laughs ]
Jason: I told you – this guy’s a maniac! [ holds up his hand for a high-five from Danny ] Give me some!
[ they high-five one another ]
Danny: Right! [ his cell phone rings ] Sorry, guys. I gotta take this – work never ends. [ he leans off to the side of the couch to take his call ]
Claire: [ leans closer to Jason and Kristen to whisper: ] Wow! Danny’s really sweet. Is he single?
Kristen: Oh, uh.. h-he’s s-single, all right.. but, uh, trust me, you d-do not want to get involved with him!
Jason: [ matter-of-factly ] Yeah. He’s got a Kuato.
Claire: A what?
Jason: A Kuato. [ Claire stares blankly ] You know – a-a-a little mutant guy that-that lives inside of him, you know? Lives inside of him and comes out of his stomach.
Kristen: It was in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie – “Total Recall”?
Claire: From, like, twenty years ago?
Jason: Mmm-hmm.
Claire: I don’t think I saw that one.
Jason: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, it’s great! You see, Arnold has to help this race of mutants create a.. new atmosphere on the planet of Mars!
Kristen: Yeah! Kuato’s the leader of the mutant resistance.
Jason: Mmm-hmm. And now he’s living inside of Danny!
Claire: What?
Jason: [ looks over ] Uh-oh! It’s happening. It’s happening. [ points toward Danny ]
[ they all look over with great disgust to see the little mutant Kuato poke out of Danny’s stomach. Danny sits in a trance with his head jerked back. ]
Kuato: [ blinking his eyes and wagging his tongue ] What’s crackin’, y’all? Kuato in da house!
Claire: My God! That’s disgusting!
Kuato: What is? Oh, no – is it my breath? [ breathes into his hands ] Oh! I knew it! Any of you Quaids got a Smint?
Jason: Yep. Yeah, buddy, I got one. [ reaches into his pocket and pulls out some Smints ] There you go.
Kuato: Thanks.
[ Jason proceeds to drop Smints into Kuato’s hands, but Kuato never seems to get a grip in any of them ]
Jason: Having a little trouble there – there you go.
Kuato: I missed that one. Maybe just place it.. ’cause.. you know.
Jason: Yeah.
Kuato: Yeah. This is gonna be the best!
Jason: [ places a Smint on Kuato’s tongue ] There you go! [ the Smint misses its target yet again ] Oops!
Kuato: Well – you know what, I’ll snag it later. But thanks, Quaid – my breath was kickin’ like Bruce Lee!
Jason: [ to Claire ] He’s, uh – he’s really into Smints!
Claire: Yeah. I think I’m gonna be sick..
Kuato: What’s wrong with this Quaid?
Kristen: She’s never seen a Kuato before.
Kuato: Oh. That’s weird. [ to Claire ] You’re weird, Weirdo!! [ laughs maniacally, as he struggles to move his hands closer to his face ] You know, I – I can’t seem to finagle that Smint into my mouth. Can one of you Quaids hook me up?
[ an awkward silence, as Jason and Kristen look at Claire ]
Jason: Do it, Claire.
Claire: Why me?
Kristen: You’re sitting right next to him!
Claire: I’d really rather not.
Jason: Oh, come on – look at him. You’re hurting his feelings.
[ cut to Kuato with a hurt look on his face ]
Claire: Fine.
[ Claire relunctantly picks up one of the Smints and moves it up to Kuato’s mouth. Kuato reacts with a hungry snarl that causes her to retreat. Instead, Claire attempts to toss the Smint into Kuato’s mouth. ]
Kuato: Oh, come on! Just place it. Come on.
[ Jason hands Claire a Smint ]
Kuato: Just place it.
[ Claire moves the Smint up to Kuato’s mouth, and he again reacts with a hungry snarl. The Smint bounces off his lips. ]
Kuato: Just a taste was enough! Thanks, babe. Hey! Any of you Quaids dare me to eat my own fist? I’ll totally do it!
Claire: Why does he keep calling us “Quaids”?
Jason: That’s Schwarzenegger’s character from “Total Recall.”
[ Kuato now has an entire fist in his mouth. He spits it out and smiles. ]
Kuato: Ha! Told you I could do it! You guys are so molded! [ laughs ] Hey, guys? What Quaid does a Kuato have to blow to get a Molsen around here?
Claire: That is so vile!
Kuato: I’m kidding. But, seriously – can someone snag me a Molsen? I can’t walk.
Jason: Why don’t you make Danny do it? You’re in his body.
Kuato: Oh, come on, man! You know I don’t get along with that Quaid! Oh, man – here he comes!
[ they all turn their heads away in disgust as Kuato jerks back into Danny’s stomach, and Danny comes to ]
Jason: Oh, wow!! That is not nice to look at!!
Claire: Yeah. It’s almost grosser going back in than it was coming out —
Jason: Oh!
Kristen: Yeah. I-I-I would say definitely.
Danny: [ gasping for air ] Wha – what happened? Where am I?
Claire: Y-you blacked out.
Danny: [ picks an object from the couch ] Oh, no – Smints! Kuato was here, wasn’t he?
Jason: Oh, yeah. Big time.
Kristen: Yeah. He was being really disgusting.
Danny: [ to Claire ] Great. Now you’re probably never gonna want to see me again, huh?
Claire: Y-yeah. I-I’m sorry, Danny, but I-I d-don’t.. I just can’t see myself with a guy who has a Kuato.
Danny: Damn you, Kuato-who-lives-in-my-stomach!!
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hello! I’m California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger! You may remember me from films like “The Terminator” and, hopefully, “Total Recall” out there. Tonight, I want to talk to you about the important issue of immigration. Many of us react emotionally to this issue – much like all of the people in this scene reacted to the Kuato over there! At first look, Kuato is repulsive! It is slimy! And it smells bad in there! But if we give the Kuato a chance, it just might help our economy. to conclude: Open your mind, Quaid! Ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha!! Yeeeeeeeessss, that’s me out there! Good night out there!
Jackie Downs…..Jaime Pressly Assistant…..Bill Hader Metal head 1…..Jason Sudeikis Metal head 2…..Will Forte
[Opens with the office of record executive JackieDowns. Gold and platinum records hang from the walls.Jackie sits at her desk and talks in her earpiece]
Jackie Downs: I just think the album cover is tooracy. Because she’s a role model to young girls. Fine.You want to use the one where Ashlee’s nipples areexposed, be my guest Mr.Simpson.[gets off the call.Her assistant peeks from the door]
Assistant: Jackie, your 10 o’clock is here.
Jackie Downs: Damn. I’m seeing these guys as a favorto my fanny facialist. Let them in but interrupt me in5 minutes.
Assistant: You got it, Jackie.
[In walks two moustached,long haired metal heads,dressed in 80’s metal fashion. Bandanna, hankies,leather jackets, the works. Metal head 1 is eating abanana]
Metal Head 1: So you’re the great Jackie Downs.
Jackie Downs: Yeah, and who the hell are you?
Metal Head 2: We’re your new hit record.
Jackie Downs: Great. So I hear you’re a rock band,something like Bon Jovi?
[Outraged]
Metal Head 1: Whoa!, whoa!, whoa!
Metal Head 2: You take that back! We are nothing likeBon Jovi!
Metal Head 1: We couldn’t be further from Bon Jovi,God!
Jackie Downs: Ok, fine. What is your band’s name?
Metal Head 2: Jon Bovi.
Jackie Downs: See now, that sounds a lot like Bon Jovito me.
Metal Head 1: Yeah, well the similarities end there,Jackie Downs.
Metal Head 2: Yeah, you do not even mention Bon Joviin the same sentence as Jon Bovi. It is insulting tous and all the Bovi fans.
Jackie Downs: Look, I don’t have a lot of time.
Metal Head 1: NO!! You have all the time in theWORLD!!
Jackie Downs: Well, actually I have like 5 minutes.
Metal Head 2: Well, you’ll make 5 lifetimes for usafter you hear this…
Metal head 1 and 2: 1!!, 3!!, 4!!
Metal Head 1: Wait, hold on.
Metal Head 2: Where are we starting?
Metal Head 1: 2’s good?
Metal Head 2: Ok.
Metal Head 1: All right.
Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 3!!, 4!![Rip-off of BonJovi’s hit “Wanted: Dead or Alive”]
Metal Head 1:[sings]Cause I’m an Indian…
Metal Head 2: India-a-a-an….
Metal Head 1: On a cotton horse I do not ride, I’munwanted…
Metal Head 2: Unwanted…
Metal head 1 and 2: Alive or dead, alive or dead,a-live or…..de-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ad![singing stops]
Metal Head 1: Boom! Now where the “f” do we sign?!!
Metal Head 2: We brought our own pe-e-e-ens!![hold upa couple of pens]
[Jackie studies them, metal heads grin like idiots]
Metal Head 1: I said, where the “f” do we sign?!!
Metal Head 2: And I said, we brought our ownpe-e-e-e-ens!!!
Jackie Downs: Guys, that song sounds exactly like BonJovi.
Metal Head 1: What?!
Metal Head 2: Uuuuh?!!
Metal Head 1: What?!
Jackie Downs: It is Bon Jovi!
Metal Head 1: Yeah, lady you’re crazy, all right. Thatsong is the exact opposite of a Bon Jovi song.
Metal Head 2: Yeah, we hate Bon Jovi. That’s exactlywhy we started Jon Bovi in the first place!
Metal Head 1: Now, where the “f” do we sign!!
Metal Head 2: We brought our own pe-e-e-e-ens!!
Jackie Downs: I’m never, ever gonna sign you.
Metal Head 2: Until you hear this…
Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 3!!, 4!!….5!!, 6!!, 7!!,8!!, 9!!, 10!!, 11!!, 12!!, 13!!
[Rip-off of the Bon Jovi hit “Bad Medicine”]
Metal head 1 and 2: [sing] Your hate is like goodmedicine!, good medicine is not what I need!, causeI’m healthy, your hate is like good medicine!, goodmedicine is not what I need…
Jackie Downs: Get out of my office!!
Metal Head 1: Oh, I see what’s going on. She’sscrewing with us.[cracks himself up]
Metal Head 2: She totally got me!! I thought you werenot gonna sign us!!
Metal Head 1: Oh, you’re good, Jackie Downs!
Metal Head 2: Good? She’s great!
Metal Head 1: I like the vibe here. It’s laid back.Good, good.
Metal Head 2: This is the environment where we willcreate original hit records.
Metal Head 1: Yeah, put’em on the walls.
Jackie Downs: You guys, I’m not joking. Get out.
Metal Head 1: Ok, all right. That’s cool. Not a Bovifan. We got some other looks.
Metal Head 2: Yeah.
Metal Head 1: We use to dick around with some folkmusic stuff that’ll really freak your beans.
Metal Head 2: You might have heard of us. We werecalled Cherry Hapin.
Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 4!!,6!!, 8!! who do weappreciate, thi-i-i-i-s song!!![sing] And the dogs inthe hamlet and the golden fork, big girl red and thewoman in the sun…
Jackie Downs: Ok, that’s enough.
Metal Head 1: Ok sure, we’ll move on to hip-hop if youlike.[Rip-off of Usher’s hit song “Yeah”]
Metal head 1 and 2: [sing and dance]Toot-toot,toot-toot NO!!, Toot-toot, toot toot NO!!
Jackie Downs:[picks phone up]Can you please get mesecurity, please?!
Metal Head 1: Ok, how about some gay hair metal?!
Metal Head 2: Hecks yeah!! Crotley Mue!!
[Rip-off of Motley Crue’s hit “Girls, Girls, Girls”]
Metal head 1 and 2: [sing] Boys!!,Boys!!, Boys!!Scratchy beards, floppy dongs!!…[Metal head 1demonstrates with the banana peel]
Jackie Downs: Stop right there!!
Metal Head 1: Where do we sign?!!
Metal Head 2: Yeah, we don’t need pe-e-e-e-ens!! Oh,wait, my pens are gone.
Metal Head 1: What?!
Metal Head 2: We do need a pen.
Metal Head 1: Where is your pen?
Metal Head 2: I don’t know. I put it in my butt andnow I can’t find it.
Metal Head 1: Why did you put it in your butt?
Metal Head 2: It’s not as important as this recorddeal right now. So let’s just focus on that.
Metal Head 1: All right, we’ll focus on that but we’lltalk about this thing later.
Jackie Downs: You guys, for the last time, shut up!I’ve heard enough…[gets up behind her desk]Enough tooffer you a 50 year recording contract.
Metal Head 1: Wh-o-o-o-o-o-ah!!![jumps around]
Metal Head 2: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-t!!
Jackie Downs: You had me at “floppy dongs”. Now let’smake some hit records!!
Metal Head 2: Woooo!!!
[The 3 of them raise their fists in the air. Cut tothe CD cover, the metal heads playing flying v’selectric guitars. Jon Bovi’s new album is entitled:Jon Bovi Does Not Sing The Hits Of Scorpions. A songis heard. It’s a rip-off of Scorpions’s hit “Rock youlike a Hurricane”]
Metal head 1 and 2: [sing]I’m not here!!, roll me likea pleasant day!!….
Don Pardo: And now, a moment with The out-of-breath jogger from 1982!
[FADE to the jogger doing stretches in front of a slide of a wooded highway. He wears a headband, navy blue short-shorts and a T-shirt which reads “Let’s Get Physical.”]
Jogger: [panting] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, man! This recession is the worst, huh? Ohhhh! Whooooooo! Gorbachev really has Reagan against the ropes! Oh, man! [stretches and bends over away from camera] Uhhhhhhh… uhhhhhhh… I’m so tired! I feel like the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals must have felt… right after they won the World Series this year! Uhhhhhh… oh, man! Pet rock! Ohhhhhhhhhh… [panting] Can’t get wait… can’t wait to get… one of those new Atari’s… and play… 1982! [jogging off] WHOOOOOO!!!
[Hold on the park slide for a moment, then FADE OUT.]
Blue background with the House of Representatives seal.
Announcer: The following is an address from the Speaker of the UnitedStates House of Representatives: Dennis Hastert.
INT. HASTERT’S OFFICE – EVENING
Speaker DENNIS HASTERT, in suit and tie, remains seated at his officedesk, hands folded, and nods.
SUPER: REP. DENNIS HASTERT (R) IL — SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
Dennis Hastert: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Throughout the past week, ournation’s media has been filled with sensational stories concerning acertain member of Congress – Representative Mark Foley of Florida. And hise-mail correspondence with several young men – all formal Congressionalpages. Without question, these e-mails were highly inappropriate andaccordingly, Mr. Foley has resigned his seat in Congress. Some havecriticized the way this issue was handled by House Republican leaders, butlet’s be honest, a number of individuals share some responsibility here.Former President Clinton, The Washington Post, Al-Qaeda Number Two ManAyman al-Zawahiri, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, and her daughterChelsea. There’s plenty of blame to go around.
So rather than indulge in partisan finger-pointing, let’s move on. Thathaving been said however, it would be wrong to close the books onCongressman Foley’s career without first acknowledging the singularcontribution he made during his 12 years in the House. In particular, hiswork with the Congressional Page Program. More than any other member ofCongress, Rep. Foley cared about these kids. Their interests, their plansfor the future… even the kind of underpants they wore.
For many pages, his office became a home away from home. Where theoverwhelmed, the homesick, or those insecure about their bodies were sureto find a sympathetic ear. Perhaps a shoulder to cry on or even a playfulpillow fight, followed by a soothing alcohol rub down. His genoursity waslegendary. It might be a bewildered 16-year-old living away from home forthe first time who looked like he could use some assistance putting on histrousers. Or a shy youngster unfamiliar with clothes shopping, overheardto say he needed “new swimming trunks”. Mark Foley was there to help. Andunlike most members of Congress, he didn’t wait to be asked.
But once a young man was back at home, his time as a page over, was heforgotten? Not by Mark Foley. Whether it was a high school swim meet,wrestling match or even a wrestling practice, you were sure to find himthere – video camera in hand – to lend his support. Never one to drawattention to himself, he usually did his filming while in an elaboratedisguise or sometimes from a parked car. And he sought no thanks or evenacknowledgement for his thoughtfulness. As a matter of fact, in mostcases, he didn’t even tell the young men he was filming them.
As often as not, former pages would be surprised even astonished to learnabout the hundreds and hundreds of hours of footage he had shot of them.All meticulously labeled — indexed according to hair color, body type,and style of underpant. And carefully maintained his self-storage unit insuburban Maryland. That’s the kind of guy he was.
Congressman Foley may have had his eccentricities, even his faults as dowe all, but we in the House are going to miss this man. Because now thathe is gone, there is no one in Congress quite like him… I mean maybe onthe Democratic side, definitely no Republicans. We’re absolutely certainabout that. We’ve checked. So thank you. And live from New York, it’sSaturday Night.
[Nancy sits at her desk, background of city buildings at night ]
Nancy Grace: Tonight: former Republican representative Mark Foley is now udner an investigation by the FBI, for salacious e-mails he reportedly sent to male congressional pages. This, and more, tonight on “Nancy Grace.”
[ Show’s introduction montage. Nancy snarls at the camera, Nancy crosses her arms, defiant look on her face ]
[ Caption: “Nancy Grace” ]
Nancy Grace: Good evening, I’m Nancy Grace. And, yes, I intended for my hair to be this shape. [ looks to the back of her chair ] I-I think my chair was moved. With me tonight: Eddie Hunter, a former congressional page. He’s going to help us sort out the nightmare that is the congressional page program. Welcome, Eddie.
[ show Eddie Hunter. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Ex-Rep Foley Fallout. Eddie Hunter Former Congressional Page. Nancy Grace.” ]
Eddie Hunter: Thanks, Nancy.
Nancy Grace: Eddie, how does it feel to be victimized like this?
Eddie Hunter: Uh — well, Nancy, the congressman I worked for was never inappropriate with me. I’m here tonight because I think the page program is an amazing educational experience for young people.
Nancy Grace: [ doubtful ] Never inappropriate? Let me read you a line from an e-mail you once received from your congressman:
[ show copy of the e-mail, dated Wednesday, August 31, 2005 ]
Nancy Grace: [ reading ] “Have you distributed copies of Resolution 620?”
[ show Nancy again ]
Nancy Grace: I don’t even want to guess what a 620 might mean.
Eddie Hunter: Well, actually, Resolution 620 was a House Appropriations Bill addressing highway maintenance.
Nancy Grace: Hmmmm.. so you’re saying, in a 620, the 6 isn’t Mark Foley, and you’re not the 0, and the 2 in the middle isn’t some kind of bed or swing or something like that?
Eddie Hunter: No!
Nancy Grace: Eddie, do you still live in fear that one or more members of Congress is coming to get you?
Eddie Hunter: No.
Nancy Grace: You don’t worry that a congressman might dress up like a shrub, squat outside your window, take one of the branches off the shrub costume, sharpen it to a point, cut through your window screen and come and GET YOU? And then, if you call the police, they might just be MORE congressman dressed up like police, who are working in cahoots with the one dressed up like a shru-u-u-ubb?
Eddie Hunter: I-I think it’s a mistake to assume all congressmen act like Mark Foley.
Nancy Grace: Well, oftentimes, victims like yourself will bury the pain.
Eddie Hunter: I’m not a victim, I’m not in pain.
Nancy Grace: Give it time, brave soldier. Resolution 620 – it is gro-tesque! Okay? [ looks down at her chair again ] There is no doubt in my mind that this chair has been moved! [ a beat ] Here at the show, we’ve done extensive research in which we’ve noticed that ALL these online predator cases had one thing in common: computers.
[ Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Computers: Helpful or Predatory Tools? Nancy Grace.” ]
Nancy Grace: Joining us from Microdoft is Customer Service Represenative Bethany Blake.
[ show Bethany Blake. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Computers: Helpful or Predatory Tools? Bathany Blake Microsoft Customer Service. Nancy Grace.” ]
Bethany Blake: Thank you for calling customer Support. My name is Bethany.
Nancy Grace: Bethany, how do you sleep at night, working for a company that provides the tools to the pedophilia industry?
Bethany Blake: [ confused ] I’m sorry, Ma’am. Do you have a technical issue?
Nancy Grace: I’ll tell you what I have an issue with, Bethany — your company created Windows.. and now perverts are looking through those windows at young boys. I think it’s high time for the comupter industry to start providing DRAPES! What do you think, Bethany?
Bethany Blake: [ bewildered ] I-I’m sorry.. I can help you if your screen is frozen.
Nancy Grace: Can you help me — can you help me if justice is frozen? [ Bethany shakes her head, confused ] Thanks, friend. Now, let’s get to the important issue. For those of you who have been watching the past few weeks, you know that I have been tireless in tracking down who keeps moving my chair! Joining me now, is our night janitor, Darren.
[ show Darren mopping the floor, as two technicians sit him down in a chair and attach a microphone to his lapel. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Who Moved My Chair? Darren Night Janitor. Nancy Grace.” ]
Nancy Grace: Darren? Darren.. could you explain to me — Darren, could you explain to me what your job entails at night?
Darren: [ surprised by the sudden interruption ] I-I clean the studio.
Nancy Grace: In your cleaning, did you ever, at any point, move this chair?
Darren: I don’t know, Nancy Grace.
Nancy Grace: But you don’t remember not moving it?
Darren: I don’t recollect moving it.
Nancy Grace: [ determined ] But you don’t recollect not moving it?
Darren: [ trembling ] I don’t know, Nancy Grace!
Nancy Grace: Darren, do you have a computer?
Darren: Yes, I do.
Nancy Grace: [ nods her head ] I thought so. It’s all coming together, isn’t it? When we come back, I’ll explain why my itnerview with Terrell Owens had nothing to do with his attempted suicide. We’ll be right back.
[ Show’s montage with Nancy snarling, crossing her arms, defiant look plays again ]
Jaime Pressley: Thanks again to Corinne Bailey Rae. Thank you to all the cast of “Saturday Night Live”! Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Lorne Michaels – I had the time of my life! Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 7th, 2006 Jaime Pressley Corinne Bailey Rae None None An Address From Dennis HastertSummary: House Speaker Dennis Hastert (Darrell Hammond) comments on the Mark Foley scandal. Transcript
MontageNote: The “Saturday Night Live” logo switches from horizontal to vertical, along with a change in the presentation of the musical guest and host photos.
Jaime Pressley’s MonologueSummary: Jaime Pressley attempts to deter the use of cliched Southern hick jokes so she can perform the Peggy Lee song “Fever.” Recurring Characters: Colonel Sanders. Bio: Jaime Pressley (1977-). Actress; twice posed for Playboy magazine; plays Jason Lee’s white trash ex-wife on NBC’s “My Name is Earl”; stars in the upcoming film, “DOA: Dead or Alive.” Transcript
Headline Prime with Nancy GraceSummary: Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) interrogates a former male page (Andy Samberg) who worked under Congressman Mark Foley, a Microsoft operator (Jaime Pressley), and the nighttime janitor (Kenan Thompson) who might have moved her chair. Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace. Transcript
New York City StoriesSummary: Martin Scorcese (Fred Armisen) recalls famous street locations where he filmed his movies, while Rosie Perez (Amy Poehler) rambles incoherently. Recurring Characters: Martin Scorcese. Transcript
Jon BoviSummary: Record executive Jackie Downs (Jaime Pressley) endures a meeting with would-be rockers Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte), whose hits are little than reverse versions of 80’s hair metal fodder. Transcript
WVIR NewsSummary: Michelle Dison (Kristin Wiig), a newly-divorced reporter, struggles through a live interview with, and a confused attraction to, Crystal Duggler (Jaime Pressley), the winner of the Hands on a Hard Body contest. Recurring Characters: Gil, Michelle Dison. Transcript
New York City Stories IISummary: Lou Reed (Fred Armisen) and Patti Smith (Amy Poehler) recall the rock music at CBGB’s and odd places where they paid rent. Transcript
St. Ambrose AcademySummary: High school principal (Bill Hader) chides student Nicole (Jaime Pressley) for acting keeping her cell phone on during class, until Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson), her black stepmom, arrives to offer support and understanding. Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.
Corinne Bailey Rae performs “Put Your Records On”Bio: Corinne Bailey Rae (1979-). Musician; born in Leeds, West Yorkshire, England; formed the all-female indie rock band Helen while a teenager; developed a proclivity for soul music while working in a jazz club during college. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Peter O’Toole (Bill Hader) comments on Congressman Mark Foley’s post-scandal admission of alcoholism. Producer Charo (Maya Rudolph) and the young star (Fred Armisen) of NBC’s rip-off series “Fugly Betsy” comments on the show’s premise. Recurring Characters: Peter O’Toole, Charo. Transcript
NASCARettesSummary: Head NASCAR cheerleader (Jaime Pressley) leads her new recruits into performing their moves on the track during the race, but not all of them succeed in running out of the way as the cars perform their laps.
New York City Stories IIISummary: Fran Leibowitz (Fred Armisen) and Yoko Ono (Amy Poehler) wax poetic about the city. Recurring Characters: Yoko Ono.
Big WigsSummary: Business executives (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg) are fearful that the corporate Big Wigs (Jaime Pressley, Amy Poehler) will step too close to the ceiling fan.
KuatoSummary: At a party, Claire (Jaime Pressley) is interested in Danny (Bill Hader) until the Kuato (Andy Samberg) from “Total Recall” bursts out of his chest. Recurring Characters: Danny, Kuato, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal. Transcript
Cider ChatSummary: Next-door neighbors (Jaime Pressley, Kristen Wiig) dispense distasteful gossip while drinking cider on their back porch. Transcript
A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger From 1982Summary: In 1982, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) spouts the era’s cliched jargon while panting breathlessly. Note: The jogger is so out-of-breath that it’s making him delusional – Mikhael Gorbachev wouldn’t have had any friction with Ronald Reagan in 1982, as he wasn’t elected General Secretary of the Communist Party until 1985. Yuri Andropov is the more likely antagonist. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Sale-martSummary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits.
The Jerry Springer ShowSummary: Jerry Springer (Darrell Hammond) welcomes a multiple repeat guest (Jaimie Pressley) with a sever grudge to the show.
Captain MorganSummary: Recovering alcoholic Captain Morgan (Bill Hader) serves spirits to party guests.
Campaign AdSummary: A politician (Bill Hader) masquerades as his opponent.
Air Date: