Doug Brogar…..Jason Sudeikis Young Chuck Norris…..Andy Samberg Extras…..Bill Hader, Fred Armisen, Jorma Taccone, Amy Poehler
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to music video performed by Doug Brogar – close-up of Doug’s face on left side of the screen, with a long shot of him on stage on the right. Credits appear: “Doug Brogar – “#4: Young Chuck Norris” – Kung Fu Heros 1-12 – Dir. Doug Brogar” ]
Doug Brogar: [ spoken ] “Legend has it he walks among us even now A dreamer alone in a world between dreams and reality Was he always a fighter? Was he always a hero? What do we make of the young Chuck Norris?”
[ the words bounce on the screen, as image of the young Chuck Norris appears next to Doug ]
Doug Brogar: [ singing ] “Norris used his hands and his feet And he kicked and he punched with his hands and his feet And he kicked and he punched with Mr. Bruce Lee A master of kara-ta-ta-tee And he kicked and he flipped some more Back to Vietnam to settle the score Don’t forget “Walker, Texas Ranger” When he kicked and he punched his way from danger.
[ slower ] But hey let’s turn back time to younger days (younger days) Before all of the fame and mind games (mind games) His deeds were no less great then A man among other men The legend of young Chuck Norris, yeah!
[ a mugger steals a woman’s purse, so Chuck jumps in and punches the mugger and the woman ]
[ up-tempo ] Young Norris used his hands and his feet And he kicked and he punched with his hands and his feet He also ran and he jumped in the air He was younger so he didn’t even care Way before his Hollywood fame He slapped and punched and he saw the famed name He was known as Master Chuck His last name was Norris and his first name was Chuck.
Round house kick (Chuck Norris) Death hold grip (Chuck Norris) Mustache lip (Chuck Norris) Tender kiss (Chuck Norris)
[ slower ] Fathers, let your daughters know Dreams may come and dreams may go But a man like Norris never dies He lives forever in the children’s eyes.
[ up-tempo ] Young Chuck Norris, this is my tribute to thee (to thee) Live on great warrior into eternity (eternity) Yeah, yeah!”
[ as the video finishes, Doug and young Chuck Norris hold their hands high in the air together, as Norris fades from existence. Doug looks over, as his American flag handkerchief falls to the stage ]
Peter Sarsgaard: Ladies and gentlemen – special thanks to The Strokes! Drew Barrymore – yeah! And the cast of crew of “Saturday Night Live.” Good night, everybody! And Sundance – I’m glad I’m not there!
[open on LOGO network logo with title: “Unbiased and Out”]
Voice Over: [accompanied by title] You’re watching LOGO, unbiased and out. At ten, “Kathy Griffin Live,” followed by an original LOGO feature, “False Positive,” starring Dan Pintauro. But first, “Gays in Space.”
[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape with rolling fog and bright stars, and a space creature in black and silver 1970’s leisure wear-esque outfit while techno beat plays]
Space Creature: [spoken in rhythm] Who said what to whom? / Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic. / Hang on a second and let me pull myself together.
Male Chorus: Five.
Space Creature: Say what?
Male Chorus: Four.
Space Creature: Nuh-uh.
Male Chorus: Three.
Space Creature: Go ahead.
Male Chorus: Two.
Space Creature: Where’s my lipstick?
Male Chorus: One.
Space Creature: That’s what I thought you said. / One! Blast ooofff! Gays in Space!
[dissolve to exterior of spacecraft with pink title: “Gays in Space,” and additional titles and voice over: “Episode Three,” “What on Earth is this all about, because that girl got all up in my business and is not her problem anyway”]
[spacecraft pulls up to an airlock in a space station as it opens to admit them]
Billiam: [voice over] Reduce thrusters.
Thad: [voice over] Reducing.
Givindy: [voice over] Be careful! We have landed.
[dissolve to interior of space station with four crew members wearing silver long-sleeved tops and shorts, with pink accents]
Trip: Here we are, boys. My favorite space bar in the entire universe: Urge.
Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: Urge!
[they turn and enter a doorway to an establishment where a muscular, half-naked man covered in silver paint is dancing]
Maitre D’: Do you have reservations?
Givindy: Oh, you know, I have so many, but I am still gonna drink here!
Maitre D’: I’m sorry, but there’s not a lot of room.
Thad: Well, how about in the back? [he points]
Maitre D’: Oh, it’s pretty tight back there.
Billiam: That’s what he said!
[Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]
Maitre D’: You’re not getting in here.
Billiam: That’s what he said!
[Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]
Trip: Move! [pushes to the front of the group] Let a real queen handle this. Listen up! You see this curl? [points to the curl at the front of his hairdo] When I get pissy, it starts to shake. And nobody wants to see that, because that will mean I’m a-boust to go off!
Maitre D’: Captain Trip Bunchkin?
Trip: Yeah.
Maitre D’: Oh, my God, I didn’t recognize you with that noodle curl. Please, come here, come in, come in. [he gestures them in]
Trip: Mmm-hmmm, that’s more like it. Show us where we can plop it, and get out.
[they are shown to a table in a corner, where they stand and call out to people not seen by the audience]
Billiam: Sharpshak-1, nice future boots. Hello.
Givindy: Oh, Globin, hey! You lost weight in your faces.
Thad: Tral! Tral! [he waves] Why is Tral acting like he doesn’t know me?
Trip: Oh, my God, here comes Loretta. [Loretta, a masculine woman with a mullet, wearing plaid and a vest, enters, accompanied with two similar women] Maybe she won’t see us. Oh, she did. Loretta! Get your little butt over here. What’s doing, ‘Retta?
Loretta: Well, me and the ladies just bought some land nearby on Planet Vaginoris.
Lesbian: We’re making our own soy-based soap up there. You guys should really check it out.
Givindy: Uh, you guys need to get a mirror and check yourselves out, because this fashion rocket [makes a finger squiggle] has failed to launch. [laughs] Okay! Did I just say that? Ooh, I’m sorry.
Billiam: [laughing] Are you trying to get us killed?
Loretta: Hey, at least we don’t get space botox.
Thad: Um, at least we’re not having a bad hair year.
[the third lesbian struggles to throw some punches, while Loretta and the other lesbian who spoke pull her back and away]
Loretta: It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it.
[a minor chord sounds]
Trip: Oh! I’m about to have a full-on nervous breakdown, full-on. My ex-boyfriend just walked in. [a man in a black and silver suit enters with a younger man with spiky hair, visor shades, and a muscle tee-shirt] Everybody pretend we’re having a good time. Laugh really loud.
[all laugh]
Givindy: Oh, you are so funny. You are so funny.
[the two men approach]
Ex-Boyfriend: Trip, I almost didn’t recognize you. You got fat! [giggles]
Trip: Don’t you get me started, you vicious, vicious man!
Ex-Boyfriend: Zip it! This is my new boy-toy, Paolo.
Trip: Where’s he from, Uranus?
Ex-Boyfriend: [shouting] You miss it!
[other crewmen murmer]
Thad: She is much unhappy about this.
Trip: Hey, ass-chin, this drink’s on you! [throws his drink on Paolo]
Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, you didn’t. [He rears up to jump at Trip] Oh, no, you– [Givindy shoots him with a ray gun and he freezes] Oh, you just gonna freeze me? That’s what you did? You just freeze me. You just gonna freeze me. You just so tired, I can’t stand you. [Trip forces Givindy’s hand down and he is unfrozen] Come on, Paolo, let’s get out of this nasty old star system. We are much, much better than this!
Paolo: Does my chin really look like an ass?
Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, baby, it’s cute. I like that. Ass is good. Come with me.
Trip: Boys, as your captain, I order you to get back on the ship, because our R&R has just turned into D&D: drama and disaster.
[the get up and start to head for the door, but are stopped by a man with white, feathered wings and wearing black leather, accompanied by two others of same]
Pegasus Man: Excuse me. We’re from the planet Pegasus. Here are some space fliers for a party we’re hosting on our planet.
[he hands a flier to Billiam, who shows it to the others]
Billiam: Oh, let me see this. Mud baths. Oil massage. DJ Luscious–I like him. He’s great.
Thad: Um, does everyone on your planet look like you?
: No. They are bigger, sweatier, and naked-er.
Trip: And I wouldn’t want to go there, why?
Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: To Planet Pegasus!
[all four put their hands together in the middle and lift them with a “Woo!”]
[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape, with techno music and space creature entering from left]
Space Creature: Ooh-ooh / Outer space. / Mmm-mmm / Outer space. / Are the stars out tonight? / Whoah-oh-oh / Moonlight in your hair feels so right. / Ain’t nothing better than Jupiter. / Ooh-oh-oh / Gays in Space.
[zoom into landscape above space creatures’s head, and pink title: “Gays in Space.”]
[ open on dark hotel room, as Rick, a business man on a business trip, enters. The TV is on before he enters, playing the annoying promotional “Welcome to Fairmont Suites Inn” video. Rick turns on the lights and puts down his luggage. ]
[ a close-up of the video shows Barb Gavin of Hospitality speaking in a chipper, upbeat tone guaranteed to irritate a weary traveler ]
Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located conveniently off Route 70, just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport. To watch TV, hit “TV” now. [ a graphic of the remote control appears in her upper corner ] To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits, such as “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?”, select the “Movies” button on your remote – now!
[ Rick attempts to turn the TV off manually, but nothing happens. He searches the drawer and other areas throughout the room for the remote. ]
Barb (on TV): Your enjoyment is important to us. While you’re here, try our fitness room, now with free weights, jump ropes, and [ her voice jumps an octave ] complimentary apples! Want to mind your business? Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.
[ Rick sits on the bed and dials the number for the front desk ]
Barb (on TV): Looking for fun? Try our Caliente Club Lounge for drinks and appetizers.
Rick: Hey, I can’t find my TV remote? [ he’s placed on hold ]
Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance? Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine. Wow! Look at those shrimp!
[ Rick sits on hold, as he waits for someone at the front desk to take his call ]
Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and never use the elevator.
Rick: Yeah. Okay, well, if you can find one, can you send it up? That’d be great. Thank you. [ hangs up ]
Barb (on TV): Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say, “What are you looking for? Great! We’ve got that!”
Rick: Unless it’s a remote.
[ the spiel begins anew, as Rick removes his jacket and attempts to lie down across the bed ]
Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located —
[ the camera zooms in on the digital clock on the nightstand. The time is 9:21. ]
[ dissolve to the TV, as the advertisement starts over. It appears to be some time later in the evening. ]
Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood —
Rick: [ wakes up from his nap ] Oh, thanks, Barb..!
Barb (on TV): — Located conveniently off Route 70, just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport.
Rick: [ sarcastically ] That’s good to know.
Barb (on TV): To watch TV, hit “TV” now.
Rick: Yeah, don’t rub it in, Barb.
Barb (on TV): To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits, such as “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?” —
Rick: Oh! And porn, too, Barb. Don’t forget there’s porn in there!
Barb (on TV): — select the “Movies” button on your remote – now! Your enjoyment is important to us.
Traveler: You’re a liar, Barb!
Barb (on TV): While you’re here, try our fitness room, now with free weights, jump ropes, and [ her voice jumps an octave ] complimentary apples!
[ Rick jumps to his feet and jiggles the TV, hoping to be able to turn it off ]
Barb (on TV): Want to mind your business?
Rick: [ exhausted ] Come on..
Barb (on TV): Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.
[ Rick slaps the top of the TV set, as the picture accidentally disappears. He reaches around to the back of the TV to pull the wires, as Barb continues to deliver her pitch. ]
Barb (on TV): Looking for fun..? [ Rachel Dratch begins to crack-up from off-screen ]
[ Peter Sarsgaard also begins to crack-up just a bit ]
Rick: Yeah, dial-up internet! Is it 1994 already?
Barb (on TV): Try our Caliente Club Lounge..! [ trying to stifle her laughter ] For drinks and appetizers..!
Rick: Yeah, I really am!
Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance?
Rick: [ still trying to control his laughter ] Only in my women!
[ the image has now returned to the TV screen, and Rachel Dratch is laughing so hard that she’s on the verge of tears ]
Barb (on TV): Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine!
Rick: Yeahh, it’s closed, Barb!
Barb (on TV): Wow!! Look at those shrimp!!
Rick: That is just rude, and you know it!
Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and never use the elevator!
Rick: Fine! Don’t yell at me.
[ Rick retreats to his bed, as the top of a Stagehand’s head can be seen creeping across the bottom of the screen ]
Barb (on TV): Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say, “What are you looking for?” [ she pauses in wait of his response ]
Rick: Shrimp! Porn! And an elevator!
[ Peter Sarsgaard shamelessly laughs out loud, knowing the next line of the spiel ]
Barb (on TV): “Great! We’ve got that!”
Rick: No, you don’t, Barb! [ Peter releases his laughter, knowing it’s not going to stop ]
Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn..! [ laughs ] St. Louis-Hazelwood.
Rick: Yeah. [ stands up and walks back to the TV ]
Barb (on TV): [ starts over ] Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn — Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn! St. Louis-Hazelwood!
[ the camera zooms in on the digital clock on the nightstand. The time is now 1:13. ]
[ cut back to Barb on the TV, purportedly later in the night. A “Video 1” tag mysteriously appears at the top left of the screen. ]
Barb (on TV): [ Rick mimics her spiel as she speaks ] Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located conveniently off Route 70 —
Rick: Yeah! How many minutes does it take me to get to the airport?
Barb (on TV): Just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport.
Rick: Fan-tastic! That’s terrific news!
Barb (on TV): To watch TV, hit “TV” now.
Rick: Sure! [ throws his shoe at the TV screen ]
Barb (on TV): To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits —
Rick: Hey, Barb! What do your tattoos say?
Barb (on TV): “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?”.. select the “Movies” button on your remote – now!
Rick: Baaarb, I think I’m falling in love with you, do you love me?
Barb (on TV): Your enjoyment is important to us —
Rick: Name three things I might find in your blood.
Barb (on TV): — now with free weights, jump ropes, and complimentary apples!
Rick: You’re a dirty bird, Barb, aren’t you?
Barb (on TV): Want to mind your business? Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.
Rick: I’m sorry, Barb. Hey – where can I meet a morbidly obese single mother of mixed race?
Barb (on TV): Looking for fun? Try our Caliente Club Lounge for drinks and appetizers.
Traveler: I crave human blood, Barb!
Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance?
Rick: Nooo! Human blood!
Barb (on TV): Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine.
Rick: What did you say to your husband on your wedding night, Barb?
[ back on the TV screen, a strange series of numbers – “1080i59.94” appears across the top of the over Barb’s head ]
Barb (on TV): Wow! Look at those shrimp!
Rick: Oh. That must have been painful for you.
Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and —
Rick: Yeah, well, what’s the best way to avoid AIDS?
Barb (on TV): — never use an elevator. [ Rick mimicks her again at this point ] Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say —
Together: “What are you looking for? Great! We’ve got that!” / “Do you want to kill yourself?! Great! We can help!”
[ sitting at the edge of the bed, Rick wearily lowers his head across his knees. Another Stagehand’s head appears at the bottom left of the screen, to place the remote at the foot of the bed. Rick finally discovers the remote on the floor, picks it up and laughs joyously. He presses a button and turns the TV off. He seems relieved as he curls himself across the bed, but he can’t seem to get Barb off his mind, and, thus, flips the TV back on to watch her. ]
Rick: Dammit, Barb, I need you!
Barb (on TV): — free weights, jump ropes, and complimentary apples! I need you, too, Rick!
Rick: [ amazed ] What..?
Barb (on TV): Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.
[ Rick moves closer to the TV and prepares to kiss Barb through the screen. Rachel Dratch moves in ahead of cue, as she and Peter licks their tongues across the screen. ]
(Opens with the outside of a museum loft number 530,dissolves to the inside of it)
Jim: Hey, congratulations on opening your new gallery.
Efrem: Thank you.
Jim: You’re welcome.
Efrem: Thank you. It’s a lifelong dream.
Amanda: Oh, sorry I’m late.
Jim: Honey, where you’ve been?
Amanda: I had to pick up a friend. Her car broke down.
Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Who?
(in comes beatiful overweight blondie Carol)
Carol: Hey!, hey!, hey!
Amanda: Carol!
Carol: Bring on the whore d’ourves! Because this whoredeserves some food! I’M CAROL!!
Jingle: “And then there’s Carol! (Carol smiles shyly) And then there’s Carol! (Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”) Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and then poses)
Carol:I’M CAROL!!
(back to scene)
Amanda: Carol, yeah–
Carol: Oh, hi Jim.
Jim: Hi, Carol.
Amanda: Carol broke down on the west side highway.
Carol: Yeah, my Kia Spectra ran out of gas, I on theother hand have not. Does anyone have any Imodium AD?I’M CAROL!!
Efrem: Let me just go see if we have anything in theback.
Carol: Oh, no! You’re staying right here! Good thing Ionly had two dinners or else I wouldn’t have room forthis slice of beefcake. Who are you?
Amanda: Carol, this is Efrem Herrington. He owns thegallery.
Carol: Maui! Waui!, you put up all this paintingsyourself?
Efrem: Yes, I hung many of them with my own two hands.
Carol: Oohh! I’ll like to see how you’re hung with myown two hands!
Jim and Amanda: Carol.
Efrem: No, I find such forwardness to be most, howshould I put it? Intoxicating quality. It took myyears to mount this show.
Carol: Really, I’ll show you how to mount me in abouttwo seconds!
Efrem: Yes, quite. That’s what I was hoping you wouldsay. Your rapier wit delights me!
Carol: Oohh! Thank you.
Waiter: Would anyone like some pate? (brings tray)
Carol: Oh, yeah let me see. Don’t mind if I do.(startseating pate from cracker) Mmmmmmmmmm!! Uuuuughh!! Thistaste like cat food!!
Efrem: Oh, I do sincerely apologize, Carol.
Carol: Why? I love cat food!!
Efrem: You are truly ethereal!
Carol: Oh, thank you.
Jim: Okeydoke, how about I head over the bar and getus some drinks, all right?
Carol: Ok, yeah uuuummm. Let’s see what you can getme. Something simple. How about a Dannon Frusionsmoothie with a shot of rumplemintz up in there.
Jim: All right, you know I think we’re gonna need togo to the grocery store for that, Carol. But, let mesee what I can do.(Heads to the bar and is grabbedviolently by Carol)
Carol: BY SHOT I MEAN THE WHOLE BOTTLE!!
Jim: Oww, you’re crushing me.
Amanda: Let me give you a hand. (Amanda and Jim go tothe bar leaving Efrem and Carol alone)
Efrem: So Carol, let me into your world a little bit.What do you do?
Carol: I work for Oscar Meyer.
Efrem: The hot dog manufacturer.
Carol: Yeah, I drive around in that giant wienermobile. Yeah, I take it to state fairs and grocerystore openings.
Efrem: Oh, that must be exhilarating! Riding around inthat giant hot dog.
Carol: Not as exhilarating as riding on a giant hotdog!(lusty laugh)
Efrem: Carooool, you are a dream. I’ve seen some ofthe most beautiful works of art the world has to offerbut none of them can hold a candle to the shinninglight that emanates from your soul and the poetry thatcomes from your mouth.
Carol: Ooohh!! You talk like channel 13!
Efrem: PBS.
Carol: PBS?
Efrem: Yes, but my mind is on a different kind of PBS.(in her ear) My Protuding Bone Situation.
Carol: Whoooo!! Hoooo!!
Jim: Carol, here you go. No Dannon Frusion smoothiesoddly enough, they did have some rumplemintz so, knockyourself out.(gives her the bottle)
Carol: Ok, thank you.(gulps from the bottle)Mmmmmm,oooohhh!, ooooohhhh!(cracks up a little bit)I need touse the ladies room. You know what I mean?
Amanda: You need to powder your nose, Carol?
Carol: No, I’m gonna toke a spliffie and push one outin the handicap bathroom.
Efrem: I second that emotion. We are out of here. Andby out of here I mean if the ladies room is a-rockingdon’t come a-knocking. (leaves with Carol holdinghands, stops and comes back) Seriously, don’t knock ifyou hear us doing crazy stuff in there, just leave.Chin-chin(touch glasses)
Jim: Chin-chin.
Amanda: Oh, boy.
Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol!
Jingle: “And then there’s Carol! (Carol smiles shyly) And then there’s Carol! (Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”) Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”
plus shop for all your baby needs. britax car seats, similac, baby registry and more.Get $10 offyour first order of diapers use code JALX4547$49 min. total order Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 11
[ open on various babies playing together in a nursery. Most of the babies have hair, except for one baby who sits off to the side. ]
Mr. Nelson V/O: The first months of a child’s life are a special time. As your baby acquires the skills of social interaction, impressions are made that will last a lifetime.
[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]
Mr. Nelson: Unfortunately, this baby [ show the bald baby ] – and millions of other male babies just like him – spend months suffering through the shame and disgrace associated with male infantile baldness.
[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]
Mr. Nelson: It’s a scientific fact that males lag developmentally behind females. Add Male Infantile Baldness, and that means low self-esteem, decreased confidence, and even lowered social status.
[ show bald baby sitting alone in the nursery ]
[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]
Mr. Nelson: Is that what you want for your child?
[ cut to Mr. Nelson walking through the science laboratory ]
Mr. Nelson: That’s why our scientists at Nelson Pediatrics developed these – baby toupees. [ show slide of three babies wearing toupees ] Thanks to our patented technology, and the cooperation of the Chinese government, we can now take an adult-sized toupee and adapt it to fit your baby’s head. It’s fake hair with real results.
[ cut to the baby wearing a toupee ]
Mr. Nelson V/O: Look at this child. Bursting with self-esteem, oozing with confidence. Now look at him two weeks ago. [ show a Before photo, with no hair; dissolve to the After photo, with a toupee ] He’s like a brand new person. And the best part is: you can’t even tell it’s fake!
[ show the toupeed baby playing with the other babies in the nursery ]
Mr. Nelson V/O: Hey, look at Mr. Popular! Now he’s king of the play date. He looks good, and he knows it. Isn’t that what every parent wants?
[ cut to Mr. Nelson standing ]
Mr. Nelson: I should know. I’m not only the President of Nelson’s Baby Toupees. [ a toupeed baby is handed to him ] I’m also a client.
[ cut to product display ]
Announcer: Nelson’s Baby Toupees. Frmo the good people who brought you Baby Beards.
[ cut back to Mr. Nelson looking into the camera ]
Mr. Nelson: You gave him life. Now give him confidence.
Anderson Cooper…..Seth Meyers Ray Nagin…..Finesse Mitchell Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Anderson Cooper: The Mayor of New Orleans and the Senator from New York, both defending racially-charged statements. I’m anderson Cooper. See the news reflected in the shimmering blue pools that are my eyes. 360 starts now.
[ opening montage rolls, then returns on Anderson ]
Anderson Cooper: Thank you. Good evening. We begin tonight in New Orleans, a city still stung by Hurricane Katrina. A city I am no stranger to. A city which I spent a lot of time, post-hurricane. Pretty moving stuff, if you remember – and I think you do. Monday, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin made comments, saying that “God caused Hurricane Katrina” because of the U.S.’s Iraq policy, and he continued to say that New Orleans needed to be rebuilt as a “Chocolate City.” Joining us now, is Mayor Ray Nagin.
Ray Nagin: [ on satellite ] Thank you, Anderson.
Anderson Cooper: Now, Mr. Mayor, how do you expect your white constituents to react to your comments that New Orleans needs to rebuild itself as a Chocolate City?
Ray Nagin: Well, Anderson, unfortunately, this country has many deep-seated issues about race. So much so, that, when I used the term “chocolate,” people immediately think I meant black. But, in fact, I meant delicious.
Anderson Cooper: So, you’re saying New Orleans needs to rebuild itself as a “delicious” city?
Ray Nagin: Yes, Anderson. See, for the past few months, when people hear New Orleans, they think, “Oh, that’s bad.” But we need to get into a place where people say, “Mmm. That’s good!” We need to get delicious, Anderson!
Anderson Cooper: Mr. Mayor, I have to say, this is a sort of, uh, political double-speak is not appreciated. You know, if anything, now is the time for straight talk.
Ray Nagin: Anderson. Anderson, let me make something perfectly clear: I’m a crazy person. Alright? Now, don’t forget I’m crazy just because I’m the Mayor. You know? I was crazy before the hurricane hit, and, if anything, it made me crazier!
Anderson Cooper: Joining us now, the Rev. Jesse Jackson. [ show Jackson on satellite ] Uh, Reverand, as a black leader, how do you feel about the idea of a Chocolate City?
Jesse Jackson: Anderson. I love chocolate. But a city cannot be sweet-specific. New Orleans must become a dessert cart. With a mosaic of sweets. You must have chocolate. As well as vanilla. So the dessert cart.. can roll on. You must have caramel, representing the skin tone of Hispanics. And custard, for Asians. And the dessert cart.. rolls on. There must be a creme-brulee, for the French-speaking Creoles. And tiramisu, should there be, around any Italians anywhere! And the dessert.. rolls on. Anderson, we must find room in our bellies for baked Alaska, should, for some unforeseen reason, an Eskimo want to move to the new New Orleans! And the dessert cart.. rolls on! And on! It’s TIME to make the doughnuts!! The dessert cart.. rolls on!
Anderson Cooper: [ stunned ] Joining us now, is New York senator Hillary Clinton. Good evening, Senator.
Hillary Clinton: [ on satellite ] Good to be here, Anderson!
Anderson Cooper: Now, Senator Clinton, you said on Monday that Congress is being run like a plantation. Care to explain yourself?
Hillary Clinton: [ ridiculously chipper and upbeat ] Absolutely, Anderson! No one seems to realize that I was talking to a predominantly black audience!
Anderson Cooper: [ blinks ] How does that explain your comments?
Hillary Clinton: Isn’t it obvious? I was pandering! I wanted to paint the Republican Majority in the worst possible light to a black audience. That meant my options were “plantation” or “haunted house.” I was afraid not enough people would get “haunted house”, so I went with “plantation”!
Anderson Cooper: I see.
Hillary Clinton: If it were a Jewish audience, I would have said they were running Congress “like a concentration camp!” A Hispanic audience, I would have said it was like “being run by a landscaping company!” Gay audience – “figure skating coach.”
Anderson Cooper: [ shakes his head ] Wow. Final thoughts. Mayor Nagin?
Ray Nagin: I know a lot of people are angry that I implied “God caused Hurricane Katrina,” but, for al lwe know, He did! Now, let’s remember, it’s impossible to know what God is thinking. God created the giraffe – and you can’t tell me that is one ridiculous animal! [ laughs and smiles ]
Anderson Cooper: Senator Clinton?
Hillary Clinton: In closing, let me just say: “Congress is being run like a mismanaged hedge fund.” That was for you white people!
Anderson Cooper: Great. Rev. Jackson?
Jesse Jackson: We must think of New Orleans like a box of crayons. Remembering to discard colors like Aquamarine.. Magenta.. and Purple. Because those colors would look terrifying.. and human skin.
Anderson Cooper: [ blinks rapidly ] Great. Coming up next – Larry King spends an in-depth hour with someone you were pretty sure was probably dead. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 21st, 2006 Peter Sarsgaard The Strokes None Drew Barrymore Jorma Taccone Paula Pell Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) moderates the forum via satellite, as New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin (Finesse Mitchell) clarifies his “chocolate city” comments,Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) clarifies her “plantation” comments, and Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) rambles. Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper, Ray Nagin, Jesse Jackson, Hillary Clinton. Transcript
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.
Peter Sarsgaard’s MonologueSummary: Peter Sarsgaard shows behind-the-scenes footage of his attempts to dispel his creepiness among the cast. Bio: Peter Sarsgaard (1971-). Actor; frequently cast as a supporting character in popular films; co-founded the improvisational troupe Mama’s Pot Roast while a student at Washington University in St. Louis.
Nelson Baby ToupeesSummary: Hair Club For Men spoof promotes haipieces for babies. Transcript
Target GreatlandSummary: Target clerk (Kristin Wiig) keeps customers waiting as her manager (Peter Sarsgaard) savors his coffee break. Recurring Characters: Target clerk. Transcript
Pirate ConventionSummary: Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! A group of pirates welcome Peter Sarsgaard to their convention, and purposely find reasons to make him emphasize the R’s in his words. Transcript
Carol!Summary: While at an art gallery, Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up Harrington the artist (Peter Sarsgaard) with their skanky friend, Carol (Horatio Sanz). Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A musical tribute to “Mr. Young Chuck Norris (Andy Samberg).” Transcript
Cat FancySummary: A writer (Seth Meyers) for Cat Fancy magazine is fired for plagierism by his editor (Peter Sarsgaard), in this spoof of the 2003 film “Shattered Glass.” Note: Boom mike visible.
The Strokes perform “Juicebox”First Performed: 01k.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) are against President Bush’s wiretapping efforts because they’re still sore about losing theirrespective elections to him. Drew Barrymore objects to Tina Fey’s joke about her boobs.
Gays in SpaceRecurring Characters: Billiam, Thad, Givindy, Loretta, Judine. Note: Because of Maya Rudolph’s continued absence, Will Forte performs the opening song. Transcript
Fairmont Suites InnSummary: A traveler (Peter Sarsgaard) suffers through the hotel’s televised ad (Rachel Dratch) when he can’t find the remote control in his room. Note: Gaffes abound throughout the sketch when the TV picture disappears after Peter Sarsgaard hits it, Peter Sarsgaard and Rachel Dratch laugh consistently, and a stagehand’s head can be seen depositing the remote control into the scene. Transcript
National Security AgencySummary: A pair of NSA agents (Peter Sarsgaard, Jason Sudeikis) monitor the mundane phone conversations of a couple of old ladies (Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch). Transcript
The Strokes perform “You Only Live Once”
Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS GuardsSummary: The bird flu may be the current disease rage, but Peter Sarsgaard is still trying to unload previous bad investment opportunity, SARS Guards with his face on them. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Tangent”, a man (Fred Armisen) on a blind date talks endlessly, even after his date (Kristin Wiig) leaves. He eventually lands, and loses, a co-starring role in a movie with Scarlett Johansson. Note: Though an awkard delay, this Digital Short would eventually air on the Steve Martin episode.
Al Pacino Checks His Bank BalanceSummary: After his agent (Rachel Dratch) informs him that he’s losing money, Al Pacino (Bill Hader) calls his bank to check his balance. Recurring Characters: Al Pacino. Note: A later draft of this sketch would eventually air on the live episode hosted by Dane Cook next season.
Tranquil SpacesSummary: A yoga instructor’s (Peter Sarsgaard) moment of zen is ruined by a bum (Andy Samberg) bleeding in his studio space.
Rose…..Rachel Dratch First Sister…..Tina Fey Second Sister…..Scarlett Johansson
[open on title screen: “Focus Features”]
Voice Over: Focus Features, in association with Studio Canal [dissolve to title screen: “Studio Canal”], presents the lost Jane Austen work, Mr. Willoughby. [dissolve to title screen: “Mr. Willoughby”]
[dissolve to parlor of upper-class home with two young women in Victorian dress as a third enters]
Rose: [entering and rushing to the window] I thought I heard a carriage! Mr. Willoughby should be arriving any moment!
First Sister: Will he be staying for tea?
Second Sister: Mother says he’s looking for a bride.
Rose: [she comes up behind her sisters and hugs their shoulders] I wish we could all marry Mr. Willoughby, for we are like an clump [sic] of cherries that cannot be separated.
First Sister: When Mr. Willoughby arrives, I shall proffer him a selection of salted nutmeats.
Rose: [gasps] And I shall play the pianoforte! [frolics towards the piano and sits on the bench]
Second Sister: And I shall sing him a fine contralto. [she gestures to First Sister, and they both join Rose by the piano]
All Three: [singing] I met a girl from Ashby; her hair was chestnut brown.
Rose: [gasps and leaps up from the bench] Mr. Willoughby has the rosiest cheek.
Second Sister: And the thickest orange hair.
Rose: And when he speaks, the air is filled with the smell of roasted meats.
[Second Sister and First Sister promenade across the parlor]
Second Sister: They say that Mr. Willoughby has two suits of clothes.
Rose: One for winter…
First Sister: And one for funerals!
All Three: [laughing] Mr. Willoughby!
Second Sister: Mr. Willoughby has the most delightful collection of neck moles.
First Sister: Mr. Willoughby’s nose looks as if it’s been dipped in poppyseeds.
Rose: His teeth are like sharp pieces of corn.
First Sister: His eyebrows are terribly expressive, particularly the top one.
Second Sister: His eyes are ever so piercing: one, brown; the other, milky white.
All Three: [joining hands and skipping in a circle] Mr. Willoughby reeks of urine! [with long “i” in “urine”]
[dissolve to stock footage of the countryside]
Voice Over: Three sisters, hoping for love. The love of a man named Willoughby. In this, Jane Austen’s final and only half-finished work.
[dissolve to parlor, where the first sister sits by the window as Rose and her other sister play at cards]
First Sister: I saw him Sunday last at church, and he waved at me with his crooked, yellow fingers.
Rose: He lingers after every service to offer fellowship to the boys’ choir. [gasps] Rumples! [sets down her cards, as does her sister]
Second Sister: I must confess to you, sisters dear, I should like to whisper sweet nothings into his wax-caked ear.
Rose: I purloined his blood-stained snuff rag, and I keep it in my Bible.
First Sister: Rose, you dare not!
Rose: In the pages about Delilah!
All Three: [laughing] Mr. Willoughby!
Second Sister: He’s the most eligible bachelor in all of Upper Cornholeshire.
First Sister: Some say he’s a hundred years old. I say a hundred and twenty!
Rose: Some say he’s ill tempered, but I say he’s just mean!
Second Sister: They said his beard hides a host of malformities. Oh, that I were those malformities that I might couch myself under that patchy beard.
First Sister: Some say, at night he roams the field, performing lewdnesses on the livestock, but I believe it!
Rose: Some say Mr. Willoughby isn’t a man at all, but rather a pile of sticks someone threw an old coat on.
All Three: [laughing] I shall marry him, nonetheless! [they join hands and dance in a circle as period music plays]
[title: “Mr. Willoughby”]
Voice Over: Mr. Willoughby, coming soon to a tiny, depressing theater near you.
Crystal…..Scarlett Johansson Dad…..Chris Parnell Mom…..Rachel Dratch Sabrina…..Amy Poehler Girl…..Kristin Wiig
[Hilary Duffs Sweet Sixteen plays, and you see the Super Sweet Sixteen logo appears over a Louis Vuitton-like background]
Crystal: My names Crystal. Im rich and beautiful, and Im finally 16. This is going to be the awesomest party ever!
[Hilary Duffs Sweet Sixteen plays as Crystal texts and talks on her phone, throws money around with her best friend Sabrina, takes Sabrinas present and sets it on the bed, and throws a shirt across the room.]
[open in on Crystal and parents in the living room]
Crystal: Listen up Mom and Dad, you know how much I love you. This is what I want at my party. A thousand people, alcohol, lasers, and perfection. This is what I hate. Nerds, parents, fat girls, and drama.
Dad: Honey, youre our special princess, and this is your special day. Whatever you want, well get it.
Mom: Ooh, I know. Maybe you could have a costume party.
Mom and Dad: Ooooh
Crystal: Mom, I wish you could see how ugly you look right now, gimme a thousand dollars.
[opens in on mom]
Mom: We made an agreement. Every time I say something stupid, I have to give Crystal a thousand dollars. And shes right, sometimes I can be such a loser.
[open back in on the living room]
Crystal: I need to make the perfect entrance. I want to ride in on an elephant. No, a tiger. No, Shaquille ONeal. No, Shaquille ONeal on a tiger.
Mom: Whatever you want, honey.
[Sabrina walks in with a dull expression on her face which doesnt change for the entire sketch.]
Sabrina: Hey, Crystal. Oh my God, you look so beautiful and rich.
Crystal: Oh my God, what are you wearing, you look like a disgusting homeless person.
Sabrina: Sorry Crystal, I was up all night putting rhinestones on the V.I.P. bracelets. [long pause] DONT DISINVITE ME!
Crystal: What? Thats okay, youre my best friend.
Sabrina: Okay, awesome.
Crystal: But seriously, if you wear that outfit, Ill vomit in your face.
Sabrina: I get it.
[opens in on Sabrina]
Sabrina: Im like Crystals best friend in the whole world. I mean, she wont make eye contact with me, and she says my face looks like scrambled eggs. But she did let me give her ex-boyfriend a * beep *. (shrugs). No exaggeration, for real, Crystals, like, sweet 16 is, like, gonna be like, the greatest event in, like, the history of the universe. I mean, bigger than the MTV Movie Awards!
[open in on living room with Crystal and Sabrina on the couch. Crystal is looking in a mirror.]
Sabrina: I went on Myspace and, like, everybodys talking about your party.
Crystal: Weve rented out the St. Louis Arch, if you dont have an invitation, you cant even look at it or youll get arrested.
Sabrina: Wow, thats so cool, youre so pretty.
[parents come in]
Crystal: And we hired Hilary and Haylie Duff to sing Our Lips Are Sealed at my party!
Dad: Yes we did, for the very reasonable price of 2 million dollars.
Crystal: God, Dad, you are stressing me out. Cant you just pay for everything and leave?
Mom: Shes right dear, shes a 16 year old woman and she deserves our respect.
Crystal: I swear to God, Mom, I want to punch you in the face.
[close up on Mom, who is innocently looking around]
[open in on Crystal lounging on her bed with her cell phone]
Crystal: I am turning 16. I mean, this is literally the most important day in the world. I mean, Im 16, like, I have opinions, I think thoughts, I can text VOTE on American Idol without permission. And if my Sweet Sixteen isnt perfect, I will literally set my parents on fire.
[opens in on Crystals dad]
Dad: I cant believe its time for her Sweet Sixteen already. I had to sell my entire business, take out three extra mortgages, and then I had to smuggle a nuclear warhead into Cambodia, but its all worth it. Just to see Crystal smile.
[open in on words its party time! over the same Louis Vuitton-like background]
[open in on dance floor, where Sabrina is dancing with a guy]
Sabrina: Oh my God, you guys, here she is.
[Crystal walks in like a model]
People at Party: Whoo!
Sabrina: Crystal, you look so amazing and so wealthy.
Crystal: Oh my God, what are you doing in here? I need you outside telling people they cant get in!
[Sabrina walks out]
[parents come in]
Dad: Oh, look at my special girl.
Crystal: Oh my God, I told you guys to wait in the car!
Mom: Oh, speaking of cars, we have a surprise!
Dad: We bought you a brand-new Land Rover! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Crystal: Oh my God, a Land Rover? I said I wanted a Range Rover! Throw that hideous poor-persons car in the trash! I am leaving!
Mom: Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait! Youll miss the special musical guest!
Crystal: Oh my God, Hilary and Haylie Duff are here? Okay, love you for five more minutes. (starts dancing with Mom)
Dad: We couldnt get the Duff sisters to sing Our Lips Are Sealed, so we got the original band, The Go-Gos!
Crystal: Oh my God, the Go-Gos? You actually got the Go-Gos? Theyre ANCIENT! Im going to suffocate from their old-person smell! I swear to God, this party is literally worse than the Holocaust!
[mom looks around, confused, then Crystal dramatically flees.]
[the Sweet 16 logo over the Louis Vuitton-like background comes on]
Announcer: And next up, on My Super Sweet 16.
Girl: Daddy, why wont Shakira wrestle an alligator? Shes acting like a total immigrant! [slams onto the couch, having a temper tantrum]
[the Sweet 16 logo over the Louis Vuitton-like background comes on and Hilary Duff sings, Sweet Sixteen]
Air Date: