[ guitar music plays, as Jack Black and Kyle Gass appear on stage right ]
Jack Black: [ singing ] “Spelling bee, spelling bee
A test of wit and wordlary! The ancient sport of kings and queens! To make it on the spelling bee scene You got to be the cream!
Spelling bee, spelling bee
Daniels dream goes up in smoke He had his chance, but then he choked And this, my friends, is not a joke It’s a friggin tragedy!
Spelling bee, spelling bee
Daniel lived in misery But Daniel’s not his name, you see For this tid-bit I hid from thee That little boy was me! That little boy was me! That little boy was me!”
[ Jack Black and Kyle Gass surround Daniel, who stares unblinking into the camera ]
Tree Salesman…..Jack Black Male A-Hole…..Jason sudeikis Female A-Hole…..Kristin Wiig Concessions Man…..Finesse Mitchell
[ open on holiday postcard inscribed with the sketch title ]
Announcer: And now, “Two A-Holes Buying a Christmas Tree.”
[ dissolve to Tree Salesman finalizing a sale ]
Tree Salesman: Here you go. Thank you very much. [ his buyers exit, as he notices the A-Holes ] Uh, hello there. You two need any help?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we want to get a tree. What kind you got?
Tree Salesman: I’ve got lots of different kinds, my man. What kind you looking for?
[ Male a-Hole turns to look at his wife. She barely looks up during the entire scene, focusing solely on her fingernails and filing them with great indifference to the scene. ]
Male A-Hole: What kind of tree you want, babe?
Female A-Hole: I don’t care.
Male A-Hole: We don’t care.
Tree Salesman: Okay, well.. we’ve got Douglas firs, they’re very popular.
Male A-Hole: What do you think, babe?
Female A-Hole: About what?
Male A-Hole: The tree.
Female A-Hole: [ bored ] The what?
Male A-Hole: The tree.
Female A-Hole: Do you guys have hot chocolate?
Male A-Hole: Do you guys got hot chocolate?
Tree Salesman: Uh.. no.
Male A-Hole: They don’t, babe.
[ the Tree Salesmen is unsure where this is leading, and isn’t quite sure how best to continue their conversation. There’s a brief and awkward silence between the three of them. ]
Female A-Hole: [ disgusted ] Shouldn’t you be telling us about the tree?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, what other trees you got?
Tree Salesman: Uh.. you ever have a Scotch Pine?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know those. I know about those. You know about those, babe? [ she doesn’t look up from her fingernails ] You know Scotch Pine? [ she doesn’t acknowledge the question ] You heard about those, right, babe? [ she continues to focus on her fingernails ] Scotch Pine?
Female A-Hole: [ finally ] Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we know those.
Tree Salesman: Okay, would you like one?
Male A-Hole: You want to get one, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ changes the subject ] Where’s your bathroom?
Male A-Hole: You guys got a bathroom?
Tree Salesman: No. No, we don’t. There’s one across the street at the Starbuck’s.
Male A-Hole: Alright, you want to go over there, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ insistent ] I want a big tree.
Male A-Hole: You guys got big trees?
Tree Salesman: Yeah, we got trees up to twelve feet.
Male A-Hole: Alright, how big a tree you want, babe?
Female A-Hole: This big. [ holds her hands two feet apart, vertically ]
Male A-Hole: [ points to the distance between her hands ] We want something like that.
Tree Salesman: Okay, well, that’s not very big.
Female A-Hole: [ keeps her hands apart at the same distance ] Bigger than this?
Tree Salesman: Okay, so you want a two-foot Christmas tree?
Female A-Hole: [ looks around, bored ] What street are we on?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, where are we?
Tree Salesman: Look – why don’t you guys just look around, grab me when you find something you like, okay?
Female A-Hole: I know what I want.
Male A-Hole: Hey, dude, we got it. What do you want, babe?
Female A-Hole: I changed my mind – I do want a big tree.
Tree Salesman: Fine! how big? 7? 9? 11 feet? What?
Female A-Hole: 50.
Tree Salesman: You want a 50-foot tree?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’ll take a 50-foot tree.
Tree Salesman: Dude, we don’t sell 50-foot trees!
Male A-Hole: Alright, they’re out of ’em, babe. Huh? When are you getting more, huh? Tuesday?
Tree Salesman: No!
Male A-Hole: Probably Thursday, right?
Tree Salesman: No, never! We don’t sell 50-foot trees! Look – it’s closing time, I’m tired, you obviously don’t know what you want. Why don’t you just come back when you’ve made up your mind, alright?
Female A-Hole: [ points past Tree Salesman’s shoulders ] I want that one?
Tree Salesman: [ looking, not seeing the tree she’s indicating ] Which one?
Male A-Hole: Which one, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ points at the street lamp behind Tree Salesman’s shoulders ] That one.
Tree Salesman: [ sighs ] That’s a street lamp.
Female A-Hole: I know. I want it.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’ll take it. How much?
Tree Salesman: [ angry ] Get out of here! Get the hell out of here!
Male A-Hole: Alright, we gotta get out of here, babe.
Female A-Hole: [ as expected, she just doesn’t get it ] where’s your computer, I need to check my e-mail.
Male A-Hole: You guys got internet?
Tree Salesman: Leave!
Female A-Hole: [ continuing her line of thought ] Maybe a Smoothie —
Tree Salesman: [ aggravated ] Fine, you know what – I’ll leave! [ packs his cash box and rushes out of the scene ]
Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.
Male A-Hole: Yeah. [ notices the concessions stand just off to their side ] You hungry, babe?
Female A-Hole: Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Alright. [ they approach the concessions stand ] Hey.
Concessions Man: Hey.
Male A-Hole: Two dogs.
Concessions Man: $4. Anything else?
Male A-Hole: You want anything else, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ back to basics ] A 50-foot Christmas tree.
Male A-Hole: And a 50-foot Christmas tree.
Concessions Man: [ confused ] I just sell hot dogs.
[ awkward silence, then: ]
Male A-Hole: You look like a rabbit.
[ hold on Concession Man’s confused look, as we fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 17th, 2005 Jack Black Neil Young None Johnny Knoxville Darlene Love Tracy Morgan Kyle Gass A Holiday Message From the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: Playing Santa Claus, Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) asks various children what they want for Christmas, but their answers suspiciously sound pre-written to meet Cheney’s agenda. President George W. Bush (Will Forte) takes the opportunity to sit on Cheney’s lap to request the new X-Box for Christmas. Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, President George W. Bush. Transcript
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave. Note: Horatio Sanz is credited, though he, too, is absent from tonight’s episode. Note: News reports in earlier weeks announced that Howard Stern would make a cameo appearance in tonight’s episode, but he ended up canceling at the last minute.
Jack Black’s MonologueSummary: Jack Black sings a song that director Peter Jackson rejected for inclusion in the new “King Kong” remake. First Hosted: 01k. Transcript
Stuart Little Mouse Removal KitSummary: Modeled after the movie, homeowners can get rid of unwanted mice by leaving cheese, tracks and an exploding race car aimed out the front door.
SbarroSummary: Family members (Jack Black, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) take a break from Christmas shopping to order pizza from Sbarro, but are inundated by strong winds since the only available seats in the crowded eatery are by the door. Transcript
Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd, just in time for Christmas. This time, Tyler (Chris Parnell) gets himself stuck in a watermelon, and Johnny Knoxville purposefully staples a two-by-four to his genitals. Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel’s spoof of 1960’s animated holiday specials, Darlene Love delivers a Claymation chorus of “Christmastime For the Jews.” Transcript
Darlene Love performs “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”Bio: Darlene Love (1938-). Singer; sang backing vocals on many of the Phil Spector-produced hits of the 60’s, as well as uncredited lead vocal on The Crystals’ “He’s A Rebel”; also played Danny Glover’s wife in the “Lethal Weapon” film series.
Channel 5 News Team Photo ShootSummary: The theme of this year’s photo shoot is simple: pointing. Seems simple enough, except that none of the other anchors (Kenan Thompson, Amy Poehler, Chris Parnell) are pointing at Chet the weatherman (Jack Black), and he’s taking it personally. Transcript
SNL Digital ShortSummary: White boys Andy Samberg and his homie Chris Parnell take to the streets of New York to perform a rap song about snacking and watching “The Chronicles of Narnia” on a “Lazy Sunday.” Transcript
Neil Young performs “It’s A Dream”First Performed: 89a.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Skull Island tourism representatives, Joseph (Kenan Thompson) and Charles Lepani (Tracy Morgan). Transcript
A Very Downer ChristmasSummary: Flashback to Christmas, 1978, as a pre-teen Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) walks in on Santa Claus (Jack Black) in her parents’ living room and frowns upon every gift idea planned for her. Recurring Characters: Santa Claus, Debbie Downer. Transcript
Space War 2148Summary: Bisexual alien Glirk (Andy Samberg) makes it clear to his fellow space war survivor, an American astronaut (Jack Black), that they can repopulate the galaxy together. Transcript
Two A-Holes Buying a Christmas TreeSummary: Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) behave like jerks while shopping for a Christmas tree just before closing time. Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole. Transcript
Spelling BeeSummary: A young Jack Black (Will Forte) stumbles on the word “Business”, and attempts to spell it with way too many letters. Jack Black and Kyle Gass summarize the experience with a song. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts The Indigo GirlsSummary: Summary: High on a mountain, the Indigo Girls (Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler) receive a sperm donation from David Crosby (Jack Black). Recurring Characters: David Crosby.
Christmas PartySummary: The boss (Seth Meyers) comes down hard on his employees after their office Christmas party fails to be a success.
Father TimeSummary: At year’s end, Father Time (Jack Black) waits patiently for 2006 to arrive.
The X-Box ShowSummary: Gamers (Jack Black, Jason Sudeikis) tackle viewers’ questions without having to interrupt their game.
….Tina Fey ….Amy Poehler Voiceover….Will Forte Wolf Blitzer….Chris Parnell Jane Pauley….Kristen Wiig “Stan Mather”/Dan Rather….Darrell Hammond Stuart Scott….Finesse Mitchell Ty Pennington….Seth Meyers Gene Shalit….Horatio Sanz Sharif Omar Mohammed/”Brother Jenkins”….Kenan Thompson
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
While speaking in North Carolina this week President Bush said, “the economy is strong and the best days are yet to come,” adding, “also, the war’s going great, we don’t torture people, I’m 11 feet tall, and if you don’t believe me you can ask my unicorn.”
As part of a concerted effort to sure up slumping public support for the war, Dick Cheney is greeting troops recently back from Iraq saying, “welcome home heroes- eeh, don’t unpack yet!”
Amy Poehler: According to reports, Iran plans to build two new nuclear power plants in addition to the reactor expected to go online next year. The report is titled ‘Iraq 2: Nuclear Boogaloo’.
In the trial of Saddam Hussein on Tuesday witnesses emotionally testified to the scenes of torture and abuse the former dictator inflincted on them. A tearful Saddam said afterwards, “ah, good times.”
Tina Fey: This Monday ABC News named Elizabeth Vargas and Bob Woodruff to replace Peter Jennings on ‘ABC World News Tonight’. Vargas and Woodruff were selected after an exhaustive search of potential anchors, and here now in a Weekend Update exclusive – the ‘ABC World News Tonight’ audition tapes.
[ SUPER: ABC News/Wolf Blitzer ]
Voiceover: Okay. ABC News auditions, and whenever you’re ready, Wolf.
[ cut to Wolf Blitzer ]
Wolf Blitzer: Good evening, I’m Wolf Blitzer. Sobering news out of Irab. (sighs) I guess I’ll be going. Thought today was my big chance but I ate it. Nice job, Wolf. Jackass.
Voiceover: Next.
[ SUPER: ABC News/Jane Pauley ]
Jane Pauley: Good evening, I’m Jane Pauley.
Voiceover: [interrupts] Next.
[ SUPER: ABC News/Stan Mather ]
“Stan Mather”: Hello, I’m Stan Mather, hot new kid on the street. I tell it like it is and I most certainly double-check my sources. Well, the situation in the Middle East is hotter than Mammy’s pancake batter baking on the hood of a ’56 Ford pickup parked in the noon-day sun.
Voiceover: Mr. Rather, let’s not do this.
“Stan Mather”: Who’s Mr. Rather?
Voiceover: Next!
[ SUPER: ABC News/Stuart Scott ]
Stuart Scott: Sobering news straight out of the Middle East, where the researches have jacked up all types of nasty. Hey, holla at a soldier if you see him in a tank! Meanwhile, a suicide bomber dropped thirty deuce by-standers with a backpack full of TNT. Boo-yah! [sings] Duh-nuh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh!
Voiceover: Next!
[ SUPER: ABC News/Ty Pennington ]
Ty Pennington: [screaming in a megaphone, shirtless] Sobering news out of Iraq, where thirty-one people died in a suicide bombing!
Voiceover: Next!
Ty Pennington: Was it the bullhorn?
Voiceover: Next!
[ SUPER: ABC News/Gene Shalit ]
Gene Shalit: [eating from a plate of eggs] [to someone off camera] I think it’s the union naturally.
Voiceover: Mr. Shalit, we’re rolling.
Gene Shalit: What? Oh. [to camera] The Saddam Hussein trial continues in Iraq, and I’m “Iraqing” my brains trying to figure out who done it! Maybe if he wasn’t so damn crazy, I could understand why he was Huss-ein! [pause] I didn’t get the job, did I?
Voiceover: Next.
Gene Shalit: Can I finish this egg?
[ cut back to Tina and Amy at the Update desk ]
Tina Fey: The ABC News audition tapes.
Amy Poehler: Wow.
Tina Fey: Hmm. I would’ve gone with Shalit.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, I would’ve gone with Shalit too. He was really good.
Tina Fey: I would’ve picked Shalit.
Amy Poehler: The National Zoo in Washington, D.C. has seen a marked increase in merchandise sales and visitors since the birth of their new panda cub. The cub’s name? Ka-ching Ka-ching.
Rachel Aldana, an 18-year-old woman, has won the record for the largest chest in England with a size 32 JJ. Oh well, it was just an honor to be nominated.
Tina Fey: Last Saturday was the 106th annual Army-Navy football game. Army lost, but only because Rumsfeld advised them to use just five players, three of whom were not given equipment.
The owner of CBGB, the legendary New York rock club, has agreed to move the club out of the East Village after a long dispute over back rent. How much rent did he owe?
Amy Poehler: It has been speculated that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a boy, after they were spotted in a shopping center buying a boy.
Researchers working in Honduras have begun using dolphins to help treat people with mild to moderate depression. The hard part – swallowing the dolphins.
Tina Fey: The movie Brokeback Mountain opened this week. The movie is making history as the first Western ever where the good guys get it in the end. [audience laughs] Now. Yes. Let me tell you this – that joke was sent to me by my 72-year-old father Don Fey. That is true. And he will get a hundred dollars. Thanks, Don.
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Don. Thank you, Don. Well done.
A new poll finds that one in six people still experience discrimination in the workplace, so we brought our next guest here to educate everyone about diversity. From the nation of Islam, please welcome Sharif Omar Mohammed.
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Yes. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello, I am Sharif Omar Mohammed and I do diversity seminars at workplaces and conventions around this great nation. But just because we are learning doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. So I would’ve like to introduce you to a friend of mine, brother Jacobs. [he picks up a puppet from underneath the desk] Come on, brother Jacobs.
“Brother Jenkins”: Aslama legum (?).
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Well, why legum salam (?) to you too, brother Jenkins. Now, today we’re gonna be learning about tolerance – that means accepting people for who they are. Am I right, brother Jenkins?
“Brother Jenkins”: Right. Just because I’m made out of wood doesn’t mean I deserve any less respect.
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Indeed, indeed. We must never be judged on our appearance.
“Brother Jenkins”: That’s right. Judge the Devil by his deeds. [ Mohammed turns the puppets head towards Amy, she look bewildered ]
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Yes, brother Jenkins. And in the workplace we should not be separated by race or creed for we are all part of one team.
“Brother Jenkins”: That’s right, one team. As long as you can step in time and say, “yes, boss. No, boss. You can be our night team”, ain’t that right, white lady? [ puppet looks at Amy again ]
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Brother Jenkins!
Amy Poehler: Did you just yell at me?
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Please forgive brother Jenkins. I mean, he’s got a mind of his own sometimes. [to the puppet] Now, be fair to the nice white lady, brother Jenkins.
“Brother Jenkins”: “Fair”? You wanna talk about “fair”, huh? I was in jail!
Amy Poehler: [sceptical] Your puppet was in jail?
Sharif Omar Mohammed: No, of course not. Of course not.
“Brother Jenkins”: Damn right I was in jail! And let me tell you, in the joint – [lowers voice dramatically] you do whatever you have to do to survive.
Amy Poehler: Is this about diversity?
“Brother Jenkins”: Be still, whitey! Go bring me a pork chop sandwich, I’m hungry, woman!
Amy Poehler: What?! Excuse me!?
Sharif Omar Mohammed: I apologise. Brother Jenkins! He’s just using high —.
“Brother Jenkins”: This isn’t high —, and all you devils need to know it! Free to the tonkey! Free tonkey!
Amy Poehler: Alright, I think that’s enough.
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Brother Jenkins, we are leaving!
“Brother Jenkins”: Free tonkey! Come here, bring me my pork chop sandwich, white woman!
Amy Poehler: Oh, come on! Sharif Omar Mohammed and Brother Jenkins, everyone. And I don’t like that puppet one bit. Boy.
Tina Fey: Pork sandwich. Hmm.
A super market chain in Britain has introduced the world’s first musical sandwich that plays a medley of Christmas tunes when opened. Even better, when you’re done eating the sandwich you fart ‘Jingle Bells’.
It was reported that Nicole Richie and fiancé Adam D.J. A.M. Goldstein have decided to call off their engagement. Richie says she will keep her ring, but only to wear as a belt. Eat something.
Amy Poehler: Eat something.
A judge in Oregon has told Sam Buck that she cannot call her coffee shop “Sam Buck’s” because it violates the trademark of Starbucks. This does not bode well for my new coffee shop named after my yellow lab – “Dunkin’ Dog Nuts”.A Hong Kong spa has a new weight loss technique in which patrons are wrapped in wet towels, splashed with alcohol and set ablaze. You won’t lose weight, but for a few excruciating seconds you’re totally forgetting that you’re fat.
Tina Fey: Finally, in some sad news tonight, legendary comedian Richard Pryor passed away this morning at the age of 65. And almost thrirty years ago to the day he came to this studio and changed our show forever. Here’s a clip where he and Chevy play some word association.
[ cut to clip of old SNL sketch ]
Interviewer: “Spearchucker.”
Mr. Wilson: “White trash!”
Interviewer: “Jungle bunny!”
Mr. Wilson: “Honky!”
Interviewer: “Spade!”
Mr. Wilson: “Honky honky!”
Interviewer: “Nigger!”
Mr. Wilson: “DEAD honky!”
[ cut back to Amy and Tina at the Update desk ]
Amy Poehler: We will miss you, Richard. You will be missed. For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Businessman: [removes glasses] I work a lot. And I’m successful for it, but my workdays were turning into worknights. I’d come home and go straight to bed. [dissolve to businessman lying awake in bed while he continues speaking as voice over] And even though I was exhausted, I’d lay there forever, my mind racing. [dissolve to home office] And then I found Tylenol BM. [holds up box in tight shot] I never liked the idea of taking a sleeping pill, but with Tylenol BM I know I’m going to get a good night sleep. It puts my mind at rest, and I sleep soundly. So soundly, I sleep through my first dump in the morning.
[dissolve to businessman sleeping in bed next to his wife]
Voice Over: Tylenol BM releases a gentle sleep aid into your system that allows deep, restful sleep for up to ten hours. [a graphic superimposed over the businessman shows a blue aura surrounding him] So deep, it turns off your brain’s need to control the bodily functions most likely to wake you, allowing you to sleep without urgency or interruption.
[daylight streams into the bedroom, and the businessman stretches and sits up]
Businessman: I’m ready for another day. I’ve slept like a baby.
Wife: [sitting up] Don! Did you [bleep] the bed?! [jumps out of the bed]
Businessman: [yawns] You tell me.
[dissolve to Tylenol BM box and bottle]
Voice Over: Tylenol BM.
[dissolve to businessman]
Businessman: Thanks, Tylenol BM. [stands and gathers comforter around himself]
[ dissolve to interior, as three elves try to build toys with inferior tools ]
Elf #1: So, what’s this meeting about?
Elf #2: I don’t know, but it better be about our tools – my hammer’s falling apart in my hands.
Elf #1: Yeah, elves can’t build with tools like these.
Honeydew: I’ll never be done with my toys by Christmas.
[ Head Elf enters, with Winter’s Breath in tow ]
Head Elf: Everyone, settle down. This is winter’s Breath. He’s an elf from the home office.
Winter’s Breath: Can I have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about the hammer.. bitching about the quality of your wood, some pixie you’re trying to screw? Well, let’s talk about something important! [ turns to Honeydew ] Put that cocoa down! Cocoa’s for cobblers only. [ Honeydew looks stunned with her giant cup of steaming cocoa held before her ] Do you think I’m screwing around? I am NOT screwing around. I am here from Kris Kringle. I’m here from the north Pole. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. [ to Honeydew ] Your name’s Honeydew?
Honeydew: Yeah.
Winter’s Breath: You call yourself an elf, you son of a bitch?
Elf #1: Heyyy, I don’t have to listen to this.Winter’s Breath: You certainly don’t pal. Because the good news is, you’re fired. The bad news is, you’ve got – all you got – one week to regain your jobs. Starting with tonights build. [ the elves sit in stunned silence ] Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this months toy contest. [ stands before a picture of a toboggan ] As you all know, first prize is a shiny new toboggan. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a box of candy canes. [ holds up the box ] Third prize is you’re fired. Everybody get the picture? You laughing now, huh?
[ none of the elves say a word ]
Winter’s Breath: You got tools. Santa paid good money for those tools. You can’t build with the tools you have? You can’t build garbage? You ARE garbage, hit the bricks, pal, and beat it, ’cause you are going out!
Honeydew: Hey, hey, our tools are weak.
Winter’s Breath: Your tools are weak? The f’in’ tools are weak?! YOU’RE weak! I’ve been in this business for 615 years.
Elf #1: Heyyy, what’s your name?
Winter’s Breath: Screw you, THAT’S my name! And you wanna know why, Mister? ‘Cause you rode a hedgehog to work, and I got here on a talking moose. THAT’s my name!
[ Winter’s Breath steps over to the sales blackboard, and flips it over to reveal the neumonic mantra: “Always Be Cobbling” ]
Winter’s Breath: Remember, boys and girls: Always — [ catches himself, starts over ] A – Always, B – Be, C – Closing. Always be clo- cob! [ Baldwin finally realizes his lines in “Glengarry Glen Ross” are still firmly implanted in his head; the audience screams with delight ] Always Be Cobbling. Always. Be. Cobbling.
[ the audience cheers at Baldwin’s slip-up, as even Seth Meyers tries to suppress his elfish giggle ]
Elf #2: That’s incredible.
Winter’s Breath: What’s the problem, pal?
Elf #2: Well, you’re such a hero, you’re so rich. Why are you coming down here and wasting your time on a bunch of bums?
Winter’s Breath: [ Head Elf hands him a giant green gumdrop ] You see this gumdrop? You see this gumdrop?
Elf #2: Yeah.
Winter’s Breath: This gumdrop costs more than the mushroom you call a house. You see, pal, THAT’S who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t care. Good father? ELF you, go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here? COBBLE! I can sit here tonight with the tools you got, make myself fifteen train sets. Tonight. In two hours. Can you? [ shifts his aggressive gaze to Honeydew ] Can you?
Honeydew: No.
Winter’s Breath: No. Get mad, you sons of bitches, get mad. You know what it takes to be one of Santa’s elves? [ he pulls out a pair of stringed ball bearings and hangs them near his crotch ] It takes brass balls to be an elf. The tools are out there, build with the tools. You don’t — I have no sympathy for you, and you know what you’ll be saying? A bunch of losers sitting around the reindeer shed, drinking fermented dew out of acorn caps. “Oh yeah, I used to be one of Santa’s elves, it’s a tough racket.”
[ Head Elf hands Winter’s Breath a shiny new tool ]
Winter’s Breath: These are the new tools.
Elves: [ impressed ] Oooohhhhh…
Winter’s Breath: These are the Glengarry line of power tools, and, to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for cobblers. I’d wish you good luck, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. [ turns back to Elf #2 ] And to answer your question, pal: why I’m here because Santa asked me to be here as a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your elf’n’ asses, because a loser is a loser.
[ a beat, as Winter’s Breath takes on a sudden different tone ]
Winter’s Breath: Oh. And one more thing: you all get holiday bonuses, it’s still Christmas.
Tony Bennett…..Alec Baldwin Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on show logo over show set ]
Announcer: It’s “The Tony Bennett Show!”
[ logo fades ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Tony Bennett!
[ Tony Bennett runs onto the stage with a microphone as the audience applauds his arrival ]
Tony Bennett: Hello, everybody, hello! You know, I’ve sung for kings and queens, and one things for sure – I love things that are great!
[ singing ] “I love things that are great Good things are fantastic. Guess what – I also paint as a hobby Nothing drastic. ‘Cause I dig everything except things that I don’t And I’ll try anything except the things I say I won’t. But one thing’s for sure I like things [ scatting ] that are great!”
[ the audience cheers ]
Tony Bennett: Hey, everybody, thank you so much! [ chuckles ] Yeah! Today’s show is really terrific, we’ve got a whole bunch of great, great, great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna be bouncing to the crazy sounds of Korn, one of the great, great artists singing out there today. I met them backstage at an M-TVdoings, and these cats really know how to rock the joint. But, first, I’d like you to meet my first guest. He’s a high roller in the big ol’ White House in Washington, D.C. – which also happens to be his initials. Please welcome – Mr. Dick Cheney!
[ the audience applauds as Dick Cheney steps out ]
Tony Bennett: Hey, Dick, you look great! [ to the audience ] This cat can really wear the bejeesus out of a suit, can’t he? [ to Dick ] How you doin’, Dick? Siddown!
Dick Cheney: [ as they both sit ] Well, Tony, thank you for having me on. I’m doing pretty well.
Tony Bennett: I bet you’re keeping as busy as a cat with tape on his tail – right, Dick?
Dick Cheney: Well, Tony, there is an unprecedented time in our country’s history. We’re fighting a global war on terror against an enemy that will stop at nothing to destroy our way of life. I guess the answer is yes, President Bush and I are very busy protecting the United States of America from these very, very dangerous people.
Tony Bennett: Yeah! Let me ask you a question, Dick – have you ever tried using those Post-’em Notes? They really help keep me from having things fly right out of my noggin. You know what I’m saying?
Dick Cheney: I.. have used them from time to time, yes.
Tony Bennett: I think they’re just great. What really pops my cork is that they don’t seem that sticky, but damn if they don’t stick just as long as you ask them to.
Dick Cheney: They, uh.. they really stay put.
Tony Bennett: Yeah. I just love ’em. They are great, great, great, great, great, great stocking stuffers. Now – now, Dick, just out of curiosity, what’s your beef with these terrorists, Dick?
Dick Cheney: Well, uh, Tony, there are dangerous groups who’d like to wage a holy war against the United States of America, and we need to do everything in our power to stop them, and that’s exactly what we’ve been doing.
Tony Bennett: Now, I gig 360 days out of the year, so I’m playing a little catch-up here. But I did see on M-TV News that Saddam Hussein is in the clink.
Dick Cheney: That’s right. He’s currently on trial for killing scores of his own people.
Tony Bennett: Yeah. That sounds just great. Swingin’. Now, not to sound like stinkin’ thinkin’, but I heard on the Vegas line that Saddam’s gonna walk.
Dick Cheney: Ha! Not gonna happen, Tony.
Tony Bennett: That’s what they said about O.J., and he’s on the golf course every morning. But, you know, Dick – I don’t think I’d want to play in the same tournament with this Hussein fella. I mean I’ll tell ya’ – if he came up behind me on the course, I think I’d just let him play through. [ chuckles ]
Dick Cheney: Tony, I assure you that Saddam Hussein will be held responsible for the atrocities a h o p. W t a torture, the gassing —
Tony Bennett: [ interrupting ] Yeah, yeah, Dick. Hold that thought on the whole atrocity business. I gotta mention our sponsor – KY Warming Liquid. [ holds up the product ] Here, Dick, could you hold this up for me right there, please. [ Cheney relunctantly grabs for the product ] Here, could you hold it a little closer there, Dick, real close to the camera? [ Cheney holds the product closer to the camera ] Yeah, swing, it, man, you’re a pip! [ faces the camera, as Cheney holds the product forward and falls back from the frame ] You know, making whoopee to gals is a delicate thing. Jusy like a TV you buy from a swap meet, you just don’t know how it’s going to work until you plug it in. That’s why you dhould try KY Warming Liquid – it warms up the ladies where it counts. And, speaking of ladies – I once held a lady’s bazongas in my hands for eleven hours!! Then the doctor said, “Hand ’em over, Tony, time for me to pop them in.” [ resumes the talk show format ] Hey, you keep that, Dick, that’s yours. Anyway! We’re back here with Dick Cheney and that pesky little war on terrorism. What’s going on?
Dick Cheney: Well, Tony, the United States will not rest until there’s freedom for all the Iraqi people.
Tony Bennett: [ chuckles ] Yeah, that’s terrific! And how long is your Christmas break, Dick?
Dick Cheney: I’ll, uh.. be spending a couple of days with my family, Tony.
Tony Bennett: Yeah, that’s just great. Well, Dick, I sure hope you get this whole terrorist thing wrapped up before Christmas, so you can enjoy your holidays with your family. [ interrupts the momentum ] Hey! I got an idea! Why don’t we send this number out to the guy in the cage – Mr. Saddam Hussein! Come on, Dick, sing it with me, come on!
[ both men stand to sing a Christmas tune ]
“Oh, you better not pout You better not cry. You better not shout I’m telling you why.”
Dick Cheney: “Santa Claus is coming to town!”
Tony Bennett: And so is Dick Cheney, looking for you, Saddam!
Dick Cheney: [ singing ] “He’s making a list Checking it twice.”
Tony Bennett: “Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.”
Dick Cheney: “Santa Claus is coming to town!”
Tony Bennett: Hey!
“He sees you when you’re sleeping He knows when you’re awake.”
He knows where that spider hole is, so don’t even think about it!
Dick Cheney: “Be good for goodness sake!”
Tony Bennett: Yeah! I’d like to thank my guests – Dick Cheney, KY Warming Liquid, and O.J. Simpson and Saddam Hussein – listen up, guy, you do your time, and you’ll come out a better man for it. Korn! I’ll catch you on the flippety-flip. Tune in tomorrow, with my guests will be Sir Elton John and his man-bride, David Furnish. They’re a couple of first-rate homosexuals, Dick. Happy holidays, everybody!
[ they continue singing “Santa Claus is Coming To Town”, as we fade ]
[ open on exterior, U.s. prison compound in Iraq ]
[ SUPER: “Baghdad, Iraq” ]
[ SUPER: “U.S. Prison Compound” ]
[ dissolve to interior, prison cell, Saddam Hussein banging his cup across the iron bars ]
Saddam Hussein: Guard! Guard!
Guard: [ steps forward ] What now, Saddam?
Saddam Hussein: What now, what now! I’m lonely, that’s “what now.” I’m am lonely. Is being lonely a crime? If it is, it can’t be a worse crime than mass murderer, so what do I care?
Guard: It’s not my job to keep you company. If you wanted company, you should not refuse to show up at your trial.
Saddam Hussein: Okay, okay. So tell me, have they fixed the stairs yet?
Guard: Saddam, how many times do I have to tell you – you can’t fix stairs, okay? You have to walk up them every time you go to court.
Saddam Hussein: I know, but four flights – four! You know, when all those witnesses behind the curtain were talking about all the terrible things that had been done to them – the handcuffs, the blindfolds, the beatings – I wanted to say, “Hey! I’m walking up four flights every day!”
Guard: I look forward to you getting what you deserve, Saddam.
Saddam Hussein: Yeah, I know, I know, I know.. [ changing the subject ] I’m not all that bad. What’s your name?
Guard: I will not say.
Saddam Hussein: Aw, come on, just tell me your name!
Guard: Nope!
Saddam Hussein: You have nothing to fear.
Guard: Okay. It’s Azik Aziz.
Saddam Hussein: [ without hesitation ] Your family will dead by morning.
Guard: [ his eyes grow wide ] What?!
Saddam Hussein: [ laughs ] I am joking! [ mellows down ] Oh man, I can’t stop thinking about those stairs. You know, in my prisons, we had stairs. But, once you went down, you never came back up, if you know what I mean.
Guard: I know what you mean.
Saddam Hussein: I mean, we killed them.
Guard: I don’t want to hear about it!
Saddam Hussein: I am so depressed all the time. I was sitting in the court the other day, and it hit me – everybody thinks I’m guilty. I was looking around, trying to smile at some of the ladies, and it was like I had a beard made of poo! [ in agony ] Somebody love Saddam! [ runs crying to his cot ] Waaaahhhh!! [ the guard ignores Saddam, so he bawls louder and louder until he can get his attention ]
Guard: Come on, it’s not that bad!
Saddam Hussein: Hey, how can you say that?
Guard: I don’t know. What about your lawyer – Ramsey clarke. He’s a big-time American lawyer, very famous, that’s not bad.
Saddam Hussein: Yeah, he’s good, huh? Have you seen his client list? David Koresh. Slobadon Milosovic. Rwanda genocide dudes. Nothing says “I’m guilty” more than Ramsey at your table. You’d think he could at least have one client who wasn’t a huge bastard. Having Ramsey clarke as your lawyer is like going to a nightclub with Tom Sizemore – no matter how it shakes out, people think you’re up to no good.
Guard: [ confused by the archaic reference ] Tom Sizemore?
Saddam Hussein: Hey, you’re the guys giving me the two-year old US Weekly in here.
Guard: Okay, no more talking.
Saddam Hussein: Ohhh, I gotta change these underpants, man – for all of our sakes!
Guard: I can’t help you.
Saddam Hussein: How about a cigarette?
Guard: No!
Saddam Hussein: At least let me get some exercise.
Guard: You won’t even go up stairs!
Saddam Hussein: Okay, you got me. I don’t want to exercise. But you cannot stop Saddam Hussein from saying this: “Live, from, New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ the audience applauds thunderously as Baldwin runs to Home Base ]
Alec Baldwin: Yes! Thank you, thank you very much, thank you! Hey! Hey! It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” again. I always feel at home when I’m here. In fact, I’m hosting the show for the twelfth time – I can’t believe it! [ audience cheers ] Only Steve Martin has hosted more times than I have – he’s hosted thirteen times. But when you consider that he first hosted in 1976, and I first hosted in 1990, the fact that he only has beaten me by one is kind of embarrassing for him. Not that I care. John Goodman’s hosted twelve times – but he’s not here tonight, so point for me. Tom Hanks has hosted seven times, but he’ll never catch me because he’s too busy being a busy Oscar-winning national treasure, and I’m, uh.. hosting for the twelfth time. [ audience cheers ]
But tonight will be the best show of all. You know why? Because I learn something new every time I host. Let me show you what I mean:
[ cut to a clip of Baldwin and Phil Hartman hugging and kissing in “Greenhilly”, 04/21/90 ]
Alec Baldwin V/O: This is the first sketch of my first show. Here I am with Phil Hartman. Now, you know, I learned something very important here —
[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]
Alec Baldwin: And that is that crazy sex stuff goes a long way on this show.
[ cut to a clip of Baldwin kissing his co-host and then-wife, Kim Basinger, during their monologue, 02/14/94 ]
Alec Baldwin V/O: The fourth time I was here, I learned that if you host the show with your wife on Valentine’s Day.. it’s kind of a jinx. [ audience cheers ]
[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]
Alec Baldwin: The fifth time, I was worried I didn’t have anything left to give. But then David Spade gave me a great piece of advice and said, “Alec, just be handsome. In the world of movie stars, you’re a decent-looking guy; but in the world of sketch comedy, you are unbelievably good-looking.” Learning that got me through the next three episodes.
[ cut to back-to-back still images from Baldwin’s first monologue (04/21/90), his second monologue (02/23/91) and “The Mimic” (02/13/93) ]
Alec Baldwin: Number Eight was a Christmas show, so we wanted to do something that embraced the holiday spirit, we came up with this sketch, where I play a guy named Pete Schweddy:
[ cut to Baldwin with Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon in “The Delicious Dish”, 12/12/98 ]
Pete Schweddy: They’re made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.
[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]
Alec Baldwin: You know, even old ladies still stop me on the streets of New York to ask about my Schweddy Balls. and, over half the time, they’re talking about that sketch.
[ the band accompanies Baldwin with a rim shot ]
By the ninth show, the cast had changed completely. Even Tim Meadows had left.
Voice: No, I didn’t!
Alec Baldwin: What’s that? [ the audience cheers as Tim Meadows appears suddenly ] Oh! Hey, hey!
Tim Meadows: Thanks. Thanks. No, Alec, I’m still in the cast. Um.. I just haven’t had a sketch on in, like, six years.
Alec Baldwin: Ah.
Tim Meadows: But I’m back! This monologue is breaking my slump! Whoo! Yeah! [ exits stage, as audience cheers anew ]
Alec Baldwin: Congratulations, Tim! [ continues ] And then, there was Show Number Eleven, my latest time hosting, where all the years of experience.. paid off.
[ cut to Baldwin with Amy Poehler in “Breast Augmentation”, 11/15/03 ]
Alec Baldwin V/O: In this show, I got to touch Amy Poehler’s breasts. But I learned, if it’s in a sketch, it’s not sexual harrassment.
[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]
Alec Baldwin: So, from kissing men to squeezing Amy’s breast, it’s been one hell of a ride.
We’ve got a great show. Shakira is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ as camera zooms away, Amy Poehler crosses Home Base to give Baldwin a big hug ]
[ open on Spokesman standing before a wall of multi-layered Medicare logos ]
Spokesman: aboard the new Mediare prescription drug plan. It’s easy, it’s simple — and it’s the right thing to do.
[ cut to wide shot of Spokesman, as he begins a cheesy dance to the beat of The O’Jays’ “Love Train” ]
Spokesman: [ singing ] “Come on, OLD PEOPLE! Get on the train. Get on the DRUG train. Prescription DRUG train!”
[ cut to Elderly Woman sitting in a chair in her home ]
Elderly Woman: With over 60 prescription drug plans with 12 categories and 4 sub-categories to choose from, how can I go wrong? Easy, it’s simple — and it’s the right thing to do.
[ cut back to wide shot of Spokesman doing his cheesy dance to the beat of The O’Jays’ “Love Train” ]
Spokesman: [ singing ] “Whoo! Hey, OLD PEOPLE! Get on the train. Get on the DRUG train. Prescription DRUG train!”
[ cut to Elderly Man sitting at a laptop computer in his kitchen ]
Elderly Man: Simply log in to www.medicare.gov to get all the facts. And make sure your browser’s proxy settings accept cookies. And make sure to hold your plan while holding Control to open a new tab.
[ cut back to wide shot of Spokesman and the Elderly Man and Elderly woman doing the cheesy dance to the beat of The O’Jays’ “Love Train” ]
Spokesman: [ singing ] “Come on, OLD PEOPLE! Get on the train. Get on the DRUG train. The Plan B DRUG train! Whoo-hoo!”
[ cut to Elderly Woman sitting in a chair in her home, an MP3 player around her neck ]
Elderly Woman: If you like, you can even sign up for an RSS feed, and changes to the policy will be e-mailed directly to you. Or, better yet, have weekly Medicare podcasts sent directly to your MP3 player. Now that takes all the confusion out of it.
[ cut back to wide shot of Spokesman and the Elderly Man and Elderly woman doing the cheesy dance to the beat of The O’Jays’ “Love Train” ]
Spokesman: [ singing ] “Whoo! Come on, OLD PEOPLE! Get on the train. Get your DRUGS now. Get on the DRUG train!”
[ cut to close-up of Spokesman ]
Spokesman: The new Medicare. So many plans, so little time. Make your decision now! Your health depends on it. [ a beat, before he starts up his dancing again ]
[ cut back to wide shot of Spokesman and the Elderly Man and Elderly woman doing the cheesy dance to the beat of The O’Jays’ “Love Train” ]
[ cut to Department of Health and Human Services logo ]
Announce: Brought to you by the Department of Health and Human Services.
Air Date:
