Daughter: Look, I can’t deal with this now, okay? I’m supposed to meet Enrique at the mall.
Jeremy: Enrique? You’re dating a Spanish kid?
Daughter: God, Dad, you’re so old-fashioned.
Jeremy: Oh, really? Because I’ve been called a lot of things in my day–a lot of pretty hurtful things–but never “old-fashioned.”
Daughter: Ugh! I can’t take this! It’s like I’m living in the half human, half hot dog equivalent of a concentration camp! [stomps off]
Jeremy: Oh, really cute, Miss Drama Queen.
[Oscar, a half boy, half hot dog, enters with a small, thin bun and a baseball cap]
Oscar: Dad, could I ask you a question?
Jeremy: Shoot.
Oscar: It’s about girls.
Jeremy: Oh, boy, I never thought I’d see the day. Then again, I’ve done a lot of things no one’s ever seen. Weird things. [picks up hot dog and moves to where it was sitting] Now, honey, if you’ll excuse us for a minute, we have to have some guy talk, okay? [throws hot dog over his shoulder towards the corner of the room] Take a seat. [pats couch and Oscar leans back as Jeremy lowers him down] What seems to be the problem?
Oscar: Well, I see girls at school, and I think they’re really gross. But sometimes I also think they’re kind of cute. And during lunch when I see hot dogs, I think they’re really delicious. But I also think they’re kind of cute. Is something wrong with me?
Jeremy: No. This is all part of a very natural process. From what I understand, based entirely on observation and crazy myths I’ve invented, there comes a time in any half boy, half hot dog’s life when he starts noticing changes in his body. Your skin gets greasy, you develop a bun, you begin to experience human erections. And for some bizarre reason, you never grow arms.
Oscar: Yeah, that part kind of sucks.
Jeremy: Trust me, that’s the least of your problems.
Oscar: Thanks, Dad. I’m glad we can talk like this.
Jeremy: I’m glad you can talk at all. Let’s just say your mother’s not one for much conversation.
[close up of hot dog on the floor]
Jeremy: Hey, things might be pretty F’ed up around here, but at least we’re a family. Now hurry up and wash whatever it is you wash in the shower. [walks to corner and picks up the hot dog] It’s supper time. [lifts hot dog to his mouth]
Oscar: Dad!
Jeremy: [chuckles] Just kidding.
[title with sung voice over: He’s Jeremy Connors, the man who married a dog.]
Mr. Rio…..Alec Baldwin Doctor…..Tina Fey Doreen…..Seth Meyer, Rachel Dratch, Kenan Thompson Donor’s Family Member #1…..Chris Parnell Donor’s Family Member #2…..Fred Armisen Woman…..Amy Poehler
[open on exterior of medical facility]
[dissolve to interior, a patient’s room, with a doctor, a man, and a woman on the bed with her face bandaged]
Doctor: Mr. Rio, I have every reason to believe your wife’s face transplant was a complete success.
Mr. Rio: Thank you, Doctor. Thank you.
Doctor: But I want you to brace yourself. The full face transplant is still a new technique, and we’re learning that the loved ones of the patient often have a harder time adjusting than the patient themselves. [begins removing bandage]
Mr. Rio: I’m just grateful that she’s alive. It’s a miracle she survived that wolf attack.
Doctor: Yes. Did they ever find out who released those wolves into the Burger King?
Mr. Rio: It was white supremacists.
Doctor: [shakes her head] White supremacists. What a world. Mr. Rio, say hello to your wife.
[Doreen lies in the bed with her face now revealed, with a masculine appearance]
Doreen: [with a numb mouth, continuing throughout] How do I look?
Mr. Rio: You look beautiful, Doreen. More beautiful than the day we got married.
Doreen: I love you.
Mr. Rio: I love you, too. [whispering to doctor] How much of this is swelling?
Doctor: None.
Mr. Rio: But I imagine, over the next few months, her face will settle and change?
Doctor: No, no, this is it.
Mr. Rio: I love you so much, Doreen! I’d never let anything come between us.
Doreen: Except wolves.
Mr. Rio: Except wolves, yes. [to doctor] Remind me. Her face, it was much worse after the wolf attack? Worse than this?
Doctor: Yes. Yes.
Doreen: Oh! Oh! It hurts! It hurts!
Doctor: Oh, Mr. Rio, your wife’s body is rejecting the face!
Mr. Rio: But she was just–
Doctor: I’m going to have to ask you to step outside! [she pushes him out and turns to tend to Doreen]
[dissolve to waiting room]
Mr. Rio: Oh, please, God, forgive me for secretly wishing that her body will reject that face. Don’t let anything happen to my dear Doreen!
[pan to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: “Three Days Later”]
[dissolve to Doreen’s room]
Doctor: Mr. Rio, you can come in. We found a new donor, and your wife is doing very well. The donor’s family are here to share in the results.
[two men are present, with very large noses and ears, and bushy eyebrows, while Doreen’s face is still bandaged]
Donor’s Family Members: Hello.
Mr. Rio: Oh, brother.
[the doctor removes the bandages from Doreen’s face, and the two men gasp at the sight of a face with features similar to theirs]
Donor’s Family Member #1: Oh, it’s her sweet face!
Donor’s Family Member #2: Given new life! Isn’t she beautiful?!
Mr. Rio: Yeah, yeah, thanks so much.
Doreen: I feel like a woman again!
Mr. Rio: Shhh…try not to talk, honey.
Doctor: Now, it’s very important that your wife stay on this hormone medication, so that her body doesn’t reject the face again. [indicates IV drip]
Mr. Rio: Oh, this one here? [pulls the tube from the bag] Oops!
Doctor: Damn it! [pushes Mr. Rio from the room as Doreen begins to convulse]
[dissolve to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: “Three Days Later”]
[pan to Mr. Rio in the waiting room, reading a “Travel and Leisure” magazine with title: Three Days Later]
[dissolve to Doreen’s room]
Doctor: Mr. Rio, we were lucky enough to get one more donor.
[Doreen, now with the face of a black man, moans indistinctly]
Mr. Rio: No. This is not gonna work. No.
Doctor: Pardon?
Mr. Rio: I can’t live with a face like that. You have to change it!
Doctor: You racist! Have you learned nothing from the wolf attack?!
Mr. Rio: I’m not a racist. It’s just that I knew that guy once. We were in the marines together. And one terrible night in Afghanistan, he raped me!
Doctor: My God.
Mr. Rio: Then, when we got back to the states, we went into business together, and he embezzled from me. Everything that I had!
Doctor: Why did you go into business with him after he raped you?
[he gestures towards the doctor, but fails to articulate anything before turning to his wife]
Mr. Rio: Honey, you have Ronny’s face! They gave you Ronny Jackson’s face!
Doreen: Oh! Oh, no! I’ll tear it off myself!
Doctor: Okay, okay, we’ll change it!
[dissolve to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: “The Next Day”]
Mr. Rio: [entering the hospital room] Oh, my God, finally, thank you, thank you, God! A face that’s worthy of my beautiful Doreen. [strokes the hair of an attractive redheaded woman who is lying in the bed, moaning] Shhh, Doreen, quiet now, honey. [reaches down to the comforter and gently squeezes her breasts] Yes. Oh, yes.
Doctor: [entering] What are you doing?!
Mr. Rio: Just reconnecting with my wife.
Doctor: Your wife died! That woman is here for foot surgery!
Mr. Rio: Just give me five more minutes, please?!
[the doctor shrugs and leaves]
[fade to black, as Amy Poehler can be heard saying jokingly to Alec Baldwin, “How dare you, again?!”]
(Opens with the outside of a bowling alley calledBowlarama, scene cuts to inside of the bowling alley)
Doug: Hey, hey what’s up, Jimbo, my man, and the lovelyAmanda.
Amanda: Hi, Doug.
Doug: Hey, bowling, I love this, I haven’t beenbowling forever. So what’s the deal with this girlyou’re setting me up with here.
Amanda: Oh, you’ll love her she’s a real free spirit.
Doug: Well, Lord knows I’m game. The last time I gotlaid you can still carry knives on planes. You knowwhat I mean?
Jim: Well, it hasn’t been that long, bro’.
Amanda: Oh, there she is now.
Doug: Oh, do I look ok? (passes hand through his hair)
Jim: Yeah, don’t worry, you look great.
Amanda: Carol! (In comes beatiful overweight blondieCarol)
Carol: Hey, girlfriend!
(cut to jingle)
Kingle: “And then there’s Carol! (Carol smiles shyly) And then there’s Carol! (Points at herself like saying “Who? Me?”) Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and then poses)
Carol: I’M CAROL! (Carol is up in bright colored letters)
(back to scene)
Amanda: Oh, Carol!
(Carol picks her up and swings her left and rightbefore putting her down)
Carol: Heeey! Aaaahhh!! Oh, hi Jim.
Jim: Hi, Carol.
Carol: Oh, la, la. Who’s this cutie?
Amanda: Oh, this is our friend Doug.
Carol: Well, it looks like someone took first prize inthe Kevin Sorbo look-alike contest. I’M CAROL!
Doug: You’re looking lovely yourself, Carol.
Carol: I came here straight from work so I had tochange my pantyhose in the bathroom of Panda Express.I think I got some fried rice in my panties.
Amanda: Ok, Carol let’s pick up some balls, shall we?
Carol: Ok,oohh I have to be careful. Mine can’t be tooheavy. I slipped a disk trying to shave my ankles.
Amanda: Oh, Carol.
Doug: Oh, that’s ok. I’m very intrigued by a woman whois so comfortable with her own body.
Amanda: Hey, why don’t you guys go first? You wannaget some drinks, Jim? I’ll have a beer.
Jim: Ok, can do. Doug, you want a beer?
Doug: Sure. (Gives Jim the ok sign and a thumbs upapproving of Carol)
Jim: What about you, Carol?
Carol: Uuuummm, I guess I’ll have a Shamrock shakewith a shot of Jameson up in it.
Jim: Yeah, you know Carol I think the only place youcan get a Shamrock shake is at…well, you know,McDonalds.
Amanda: Yeah, on or around St. Patricks Day.
Carol: Oh, no! This is a disaster! What should I get?
Doug: How about a sex on the beach?
Carol: How about a sex in the men’s room?
Doug: My, my, you are enchanting, Carol. (Mouths”Thank you” to Jim with grest enthusiasm)
Jim: This is going super. How about I’ll get us apitcher of beer, all right?
Carol: Nooooo!!! Just get me a Mad Dog 20 20, I’llcrush up a few no-doze in it.
Jim: You’re the boss, Carol. (Jim heads for the barand suddenly Carol pulls him violently by the arm)
Carol: DON’T FORGET TO BRING SLIM JIMS!!!
Jim: Ok.
Amanda: I’ll help you out honey.
Jim: Yes, please. (They both go to the bar leavingDoug and Carol alone)
Doug: So Carol, tell me about yourself. What does anenchanting flower like you do for a living?
Carol: Ummm, I work for the goverment.
Doug: Oh, really? Fascinating.
Carol: Yeah, I work in a toll booth on a New Yorkstate throughway.
Doug: Oh, I-87?
Carol: Really? Because I 69! I’M CAROL!!
Doug: Carol, your wordplay delights me. I swear to Godif I had a ring right now I would get down on myknees.
Carol: Oh my, get out of town. (pats him playfully on theshoulder)
Jim: All right, here we are. (brings pitcher of beer)
Carol: Oh, is this for me? Aaaaahhhh!! (takes pitcherand starts gulping down the beer)
Jim: No, no, no, that was actually for everyone.
Amanda: Ok, are you ready to bowl guys?
Carol: Wait a second! I’m eating! (eats Slim Jim)
Doug: Carol, that looks delicious. Will you mindsharing?
Carol: No. But you gotta come here and get it. (putsSlim Jim on her mouth)
Doug: Sure thing. (Doug starts eating the Slim Jimfrom the other end bringing their mouths closer andcloser and are interrupted by Jim and Amanda)
Jim: Hey, guys, guys, guys!
Amanda: I think we’re ready to bowl, right?
Carol: Fine, we’ll bowl. But you guys will have totake your turns will I go powder my nose.
Amanda: Ok, fine.
Carol: I mean, I gotta go push one out and smoke adoobie in the crapper.
Doug: I got a better idea. Why don’t you do exactlywhat you just said but back at my place.
Carol: Ok, but we better hurry, cause I got a gaiterbarking. (Doug and Carol leave holding hands)
Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol!
Jingle: And then there’s Carol! (Carol smiles shyly) And then there’s Carol! (Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”) Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on Carol!”
First Prospector…..Will Forte Second Prospector…..Alec Baldwin Third Prospector…..Bill Hader Prostitute…..Rachel Dratch
[open on stock footage of a desert at night]
Narrator: [voice over] In a time when the Old West was untamed, two prospectors set out to find gold.
[dissolve to campsite with two old prospectors]
First Prospector: To strikin’ it rich!
Second Prospector: You’re dang-gum right we will!
[they clash their cups in a toast and then drink as they laugh]
[dissolve to black screen]
Narrator: [voice over with title] But what they found was so much more.
[dissolve to campsite at night]
First Prospector: I like your smile.
Second Prospector: I like the way you make me smile.
[dissolve to stock footage of a river]
Narrator: [voice over] Some treasures are found on the surface.
[dissolve to prospectors panning in a river]
First Prospector: Lookie here! Have I found gold?! [holds second prospector by the wrist]
Second Prospector: No. [wraps his fingers around first prospector’s hand] But maybe I have.
[dissolve to black screen]
Narrator: [voice over with title] There are some lies we have to tell.
[dissolve to campsite]
Third Prospector: You fellers have been up here for a long three months. And everybody knows there ain’t no gold in these parts.
Second Prospector: Well, maybe we’re digging for something more precious than gold.
First Prospector: [emerging from tent] Honey! Breakfast is ready!
[dissolve to black screen]
Narrator: [voice over with title] And some truths we can’t deny.
[dissolve to campsite, with second prospector giving seated first prospector a neck rub as a prostitute arrives]
Prostitute: I’ve hiked five hours up the trail to see if you boys needed any company. I know you must be lonely.
Second Prospector: Nope. We’re good.
First Prospector: Nice seeing you, though. Run along.
Prostitute: Well, I sure am tired. Can I just stay the night? I could keep you boys warm.
Second Prospector: Good gerty merty woman, are you deaf? We’re not interested. We’ve got something you’ll never understand. [caresses first prospector’s face]
Prostitute: What, you got another woman up here?!
Second Prospector: No, no.
Narrator: [voice over] Starring Gabby Hickock in a controversial and courageous performance.
Second Prospector: [takes long underwear from a clothesline] Dang gummit, I wish I could quit ya. I wish I could quit ya! [presses long underwear to his face and sniffs it]
[dissolve to stock footage of the night sky over a rock formation]
Narrator: [voice over] And introducing Gabby Wade Tomlinson.
[dissolve to campsite with second prospector holding first prospector from behind]
First Prospector: We ain’t found a dang darn thing, so why do I feel like the richest man in the world?
[dissolve to stock footage of a mountain trail]
Narrator: [voice over] This season, dare to let the whiskers of two old prospectors touch you in a special way. [title: “Brokeback Goldmine”] Brokeback Goldmine. See the film everyone is talking about.
[dissolve to campsite with close up on second prospector]
Second Prospector: What in tarnation are you doing under there?
[shot widens to show movement in bedroll]
First Prospector: [sticks his head out from under the covers] Just prospecting! [goes back under]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 10th, 2005 Alec Baldwin Shakira None Tim Meadows Alejandro Sanz John Lutz Saddam’s Prison CellSummary: Imprisoned Saddam Hussein (Alec Baldwin) seeks mercy from his U.S. prison guard (Fred Armisen) in Baghdad. Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein. Transcript
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.
Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Alec Baldwin announces it’s his 12th time hosting, summarizes his statistics compared to other recurring hosts, then utilizes clips of his past appearances – and a quick cameo by Tim Meadows – to outline lessons he’s learned while hosting “SNL.” First Hosted: 89r. Transcript
Tylenol BMSummary: An overworked businssman (Alec Baldwin) uses Tylenol BM to receive such a good night’s sleep that he doesn’t even have to wake up to go to the bathroom. Transcript
Face TransplantSummary: The husband (Alec Baldwin) of the French woman who had the world’s first face transplant is unhappy with the results of her (Seth Meyers) operation, so repeat transplants are performed until her face is more to his satisfaction. Transcript
The O’Reilly FactorSummary: Bill O’Reilly (Darrell Hammond) argues with Sen. John McCain (Chris Parnell) and Barney Frank (Alec Baldwin). Recurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, John McCain, Barney Frank.
TV FunhouseSummary: Cardboard replicates show off their quirks during a high-stakes round of Celebrity Mugshot Poker.
Brokeback GoldmineSummary: Gay prospectors (Alec Baldwin, Will Forte) forfeit their search for gold when they discover each other in this movie trailer. Transcript
Shakira performs “Don’t Bother”First Performed: 01g.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: A series of “ABC News” audition tapes includes Wolf Blitzer (Chris Parnell) bombing and Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) disguising his appearance. Ventriloquist-activist Sharif Omar Muhammad (Kenan Thompson) attempts to comment on prejudicism through the use of his racist dummy. Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Jane Pauley, Dan Rather, Ty Pennington, Gene Shalit. Transcript
The Tony Bennett ShowSummary: Tony Bennett (Alec Baldwin) strays from the topic of terrorism to plug KY jelly while interviewing Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett, Dick Cheney. Transcript
Carol!Summary: At the Bowl-a-Rama, Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up another male friend (Alec Baldwin) with the enigma that is Carol (Horatio Sanz). Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda. Transcript
The Man Who Married A Hot DogSummary: Told as a child that if he loves hot dogs so much he should marry one, Jeremy Connors (Alec Baldwin) follows through in his adult years and raises a pair of awkward hot dog/teenagers (Amy Poehler, Andy Samburg). Transcript
MedicareSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) sings “Love Train” parody to get old people on board with Medicare. Transcript
Shakira featuring Alejandro Sanz perform “La Tortura”Bio: Alejandro Sanz (1968-). Spanish pop/ballad musician, singer-songwriter; in 2001, became the first Spanish artist to record an “Unplugged” special on M-TV.
Santa’s WorkshopSummary: When output from the elves at Santa’s Workshop is low, efficiency expert, Winter’s Breath (Alec Baldwin), is brought in to verbally harass their little asses into gear. Note: In his enthusiasm, Alec Baldwin repeats the “Always Be Closing” mantra from “Glengarry Glen Ross”, not realizing the line is spoofed for the Santa’s workshop setting. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Bird FluSummary: A doctor (Chris Parnell) warns his patient (Alec Baldwin) that bird flu is only contagious in the unfortunate event that he’s had contact with a bird, such as making out with one.
Ten Seconds to RunSummary: Cross-eyed man (Alec Baldwin) and his buddies (Will Forte, Fred Armisen) give each other ten seconds to start running.
FrondiSummary: A doctor (Alec Baldwin) brags about how much he has taught Frondi (Fred Armisen), only to have his mentally-challenged patient turn around and do bad things behind his back.
Taco BellSummary: Al Pacino (Bill Hader) and Robert De Niro (Alec Baldwin) forget to bring money when they go out for lunch at Taco Bell. Recurring Characters: Al Pacino, Robert De Niro.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Distraught over a failed relatonship, a man (Andy Samberg) threatens to jump to his death while standing an inch above the sidewalk, in a message paid for by the United Peyote Growers Association. Note: This digital short would eventually surface on the live version of the episode hosted by Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Transcript
Keith: [enters wearing a wool sweater] Hi. Seasons greetings. [closes door] Hey, how are you? [approaches Michael and his wife] Hi, guys.
Michael: Hi. Wow. Keith.
Michael’s Wife: Yeah, Keith, look at that sweater.
Keith: [smooths the fabric around his torso] I know, right. You like it? [adjust the collar]
Michael: What is that, like, wool?
Keith: One hundred percent.
Michael’s Wife: Where did you get it?
Keith: Knitwear Outlet.
Michael: How much do you pay for something like that?
Keith: Eight hundred dollars.
Michael’s Wife: Wow, at an outlet?
Keith: Yeah, well, I think it was originally, like, nine hundred [scratches at his left arm], but I feel like a million bucks in it. Yeah! [scratches at his right arm]
Michael: Man, that is some sweater.
Keith: Thanks. Hey, uh, do you think Carrie will like it?
Michael: Oh, yeah, man, definitely.
Keith: Yeah, is she, uh, is she hear yet? [wipes sweat from his brow]
Michael’s Wife: Oh, well, um, she called. She’s running a little late.
Keith: Oh. [pulls at hem of sweater and chuckles nervously] [under his breath] “Late.”
Michael’s Wife: Are you warm in that? It’s not even that cold out yet.
Michael: Yeah, sixty five degrees in December. It’s freaky.
Keith: Yeah, well, uh, you know, I don’t have to worry about the unseasonably warm weather because–let me tell you something–this, this sucker breathes! [clutches and pulls at the neck and body of the sweater and chuckles nervously]
Michael’s Wife: It does?
Keith: Oh, hell yes!
Michael’s Wife: Look, why don’t I go get you juice, or some water, or something?
Keith: [wipes his brow furiously] No!
Michael’s Wife: Let me get you some ice water. [leaves]
Keith: I just–I’m okay, geez.
Michael: So, uh, you and Carrie, uh, you guys still good?
Keith: Yeah. [as a waiter walks by with a tray of drinks, Keith grabs a couple of straws which he inserts into the neck of the sweater and begins blowing] This is officially our second date, but, uh, I wish she would hurry up and get here, you know, so she can see me in the sweater. Ha-ha, aaaaargh! [pulls the sweater away from his body]
Michael: I gotta say, Keith, it really looks like that sweater is bothering you.
Keith: [pulls his left arm inside the sweater and uses that hand to prop the fabric away from himself] No, no, no, no. This is just, you know, I’m breaking it in. You know, this is the way you gotta break in a turtleneck.
Michael: Yeah, because turtlenecks drive me nuts. I can’t wear them.
Michael’s Wife: [returning with a cup of ice] Here you go.
Keith: Oh, thanks so much. [takes a piece of ice and rubs it on his face] All right.
Michael’s Wife: All right, you know, I think that turtleneck is too warm.
Michael: Yeah.
Keith: No, it’s not too warm! Okay? It’s incredibly comfortable! And I spent eight hundred dollars on it, so, you know, I just want to wear it, you know. I’m wearing it because I paid the eight hundred. [pulls his other arm inside and uses both hands to push parts of the fabric away from his body] I want to impress Carrie, you know what I mean? [shouts] I wish she would get her ass here!
Michael: Hey, hey, Keith, there’s no reason to get mad at Carrie.
Keith: I’m not mad at Carrie. I’m mad at this turtleneck! [mops at his brow with a hand that is inside the sweater, and pushes his left arm back into the sleeve]
Michael’s Wife: Well, take it off! I can get you one of Michael’s shirts!
Keith: God, it’s like, it’s like a boa constrictor, you know? [clutches at fabric and pulls at neckline] I feel like I’m wearing Death, you know? [rubs the fabric on his face and pulls the neckline up around his chin] It’s like I’m being raped by a Wookiee! [pulls the neckline completely over his head and seizes backwards directly into the waiter before staggering forward, exposing his head again, and falling flat on his back] God, it’s like…it’s like it’s merging with my skin!
Michael’s Wife: Oh, my God! Just take it off! Take it–
Keith: I can’t–I can’t breathe! [pants] I can’t breathe! [scratches and pulls at sweater]
Michael: Okay, you know what? [squats and extends a hand] Let me help you, Keith, let me–
Keith: No, no! No, no, no! [Michael stands back up] I’m gonna do this! [uses his legs and elbows to propel himself backwards across the floor and groans loudly] That feels good! [groans again and continues to move, then seizes a poker from the fireplace behind him and leaps back to his feet, now using the poker to scratch his back as he moans frantically] [Michael’s wife steps forward and reachs out to Keith] No! Get back! Get back! [holds the poker as a weapon] I need to do this! [resumes scratching as Michael’s life jumps back in fear, pulls the neckline back over his head and staggers towards the buffet table, all the while still scratching with the poker, then falls back onto the table, rocks back to a standing position, and seizes backwards into the middle of the table, which collapses under him]
Carrie: [entering, cautiously] Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late. [Keith struggles back to his feet] Keith, are you wearing a turtleneck?
Keith: [suavely, while the neckline hangs around his head like a cowl] Yeah.
Carrie: [weakly] Ew.
[fade to black as Keith gestures plaintively at the sweater and Carrie gestures negatively]
…..Tina Fey …..Amy Poehler …..Rachel Dratch Michael Irvin…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its Weekend Update, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hi, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey, and here are tonights top stories:
In a speech Wednesday at the U.S. Naval Academy, President Bush defended his policy in Iraq, saying that Iraqi troops are increasingly taking the lead in battling insurgents, but that ‘this will take time and patience.’ He added, ‘A whole lot of patience and time. To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it right. Yeah.’
During his speech on Iraq, President Bush spoke on a stage emblazoned with the words ‘Plan for Victory.’ But what many may not have noticed was the fine print: (Zooms in to the fine print by 2047)
Amy Poehler: In conjunction with the President’s speech, the White House released a 35-page document titled National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.’ Wow! 35 pages! Apparently, they think Iraq’s problems will be three times easier to resolve than a Nancy Drew mystery.”
The U.S. military admitted Wednesday that it paid Iraqi newspapers to run favorable stories about the war. And some peculiarly shocking blind items in the Baghdad Post’s Page Six. Whats this? What six-foot-seven Al Qaeda No. 1 was seen canoodling with ‘Laguna Beach’s Kristen Cavallari at the Club Green Zone? Wow!
Tina Fey: Tyra banks and MTVs Vanessa Mannillo got quite a bit of press recently for dawning fat suits and experiencing life as an overweight person for a day. Known for her hard hitting investigative reporting, our own Rachel Dratch did the same thing, and shes here with her report.
Rachel Dratch: Hi Gals! Well, uh, I too dawned an obesity suit yesterday and let me tell you, the experience really changed my life. Take a look
VO: Okay, there I am in the make up chair, and theres our special effects guy doing his thing.
(Shows Rachel getting ready)
VO: And there I am as a fat lady.
(She tries to walk through a door at the same time someone else does)
Rachel Dratch: Hey! Excuse me!
VO: Now, at first I thought of the suit as just a bit inconvenient. Its hard to get around when you cant see your own feet.
(Shows her having trouble getting around and then falling down a large set of stairs)
VO: I found that I could no longer partake in everyday activities, things that most of us just take for granted.
(Shows her trying to ride a unicycle)
VO: Being fat was hard than I thought. As I went outside, I began to feel like a second-class citizen. Some people starring at me, some people ignoring me. It was enough to make me crack!
(Shows her walking completely alone and feeling sad. She begins to run around screaming at random people. She throws a mans newspaper on the ground)
Rachle Dratch: Ahh! Im human! Im human like you!! You think Im a monster? Ahh!! Ahh!! Stop starring at me! Im a human being! (Cries)
VO: While most people judged me negatively because of my weight, others were actually more friendly to me.
(A man opens a door for her)
Rachel Dratch: Aww! Thank you!
VO: This young gentleman held the door for me.
(She walks by a mail deliveryman)
Man: Damn, you lookin good mama!
VO: And this fellow was very friendly.
Rachel Dratch: Thank you! Hmnm
VO: And this man said he wanted to get all up my crevices. Delightful.
(Shows a man with his arm around her typing her phone number in on his cell)
VO: So, I guess what I learned is, the next time you see an overweight person, be nice to them, it could be a celebrity in a fat suit!
Tina Fey: Excellent report. Excellent journalism. Well, I bet youre glad you never have to put that fat suit back on.
Rachel Dratch: Oh, actually Im going to go put it on right now. That last guy wants to take me to Red Lobster!
Tina Fey: Aw! Rachel Dratch everyone!
Amy Poehler: In recognition of World AIDS Day, city officials in Buenos Aires, Argentina covered the city’s most famous landmark, The Obelisk, with a giant pink condom. Not to be outdone, citizens of Arizona covered the Grand Canyon with a huge dental dam.
Tina Fey: Last week the city of Boston sparked a controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a ‘Holiday Tree’ instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city’s Christmas nativity scene will now be referred to as the ‘Holiday Homeless Family.’
Many of the first people to buy the new XBox 360 are returning the system because of crashes and glitches and maybe, just maybe, a long hard look in the mirror.
Amy Poehler: A New Hampshire man named Ronald MacDonald has been charged with stealing money from a safe at Wendy’s. He is charged with aggravated hamburglary.
According to a new survey, American women earn 76 cents for every dollar American men make for doing the same jobs. The most humiliating part for women, being paid in change.
Tina Fey: A British man has created a device that emits a noise intended to chase away teenagers. It’s called jazz records.
Psychologists are saying that creative professionals such as actors and writers have about twice as many sexual partners as other people. Uh! Twice as many? Try ten times as many!
Tina and Amy: Woo! Yeah! Haha! .
Amy Poehler: So true! Its so true!
Tina Fey: Oh! God Im getting too old for this!
(They start emotionally crying)
Amy Poehler: All right, lets keep it moving Tina!
Tina Fey: Lets go onto the next joke. Yeah.
Amy Poehler: Uh Flashbacks! Oh! Bad choices!
A new survey reveals that Seattle is the nation’s most literate city, followed by Minneapolis and Washington. While once again, the least literate city is Reevarsyde, Kaleefermia.
Tina Fey: Retired football player Michael Irvin is back in the news this week. The ESPN commentator and ex-Cowboy was arrested when a highway patrolman found a drug pipe on the floor of his car. Here to comment is Michael Irvin.
Michael Irvin: Woo! Yes, yes, yes! Well, well, my goodness! SNL! Cowboys! Touchdown! Wide receiver! Emmitt Smith!
Tina Fey: Alright, so Mike
Michael Irvin: Thats what Im talking about!
Tina Fey: Mike
Michael Irvin: Touchdown! Touchdown!
Tina Fey: Mike
Michael Irvin: Its just a touchdown! Gotta get one!
Tina Fey: Mike, so just tell us, tell us in your own words what happened.
Michael Irvin: Oh, aint no thing Tina Fey, you understand me. I was chillin, driving my car like I usually do, when a cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over. Now Im a rational man, so I thought to myself, should I kill him? But then I convinced myself to let him live.
Tina Fey: Good, thats a good choice.
Michael Irvin: And then he found a used drug pipe on the floor of my car. I told the officer that it must belong to a friend of mine because I dont smoke crack anymore. You think he believe me?
Tina Fey: Would you believe you?
Michael Irvin: Look, Im not the one on trial here.
Tina Fey: No well, yeah you are. You kind of are.
Michael Irvin: Okay fine. This time I wasnt lying though! See I work for ESPN you understand, Im an NFL commentator. If I did drugs, it would show. Look at this clip from last Sunday and you tell me if Ive been doing drugs.
(Intro: Monday Night Countdown)
(Michael Irvin has a TV that he is trying too keep two other commentators from taking)
Michael Irvin: I will kill you! Let go of me, Chris Berman! Let go of me, Chris Berman! This is my TV! Let go of my TV!
(ESPN had cut the clip because of the content. Shows Michael Irvin at the Update desk in shock)
Michael Irvin: Well, thats not the clip that I expected. Well, looks like the jokes on me right! Huh huh anyway. Uh, if youll excuse me, I gotta go hire some lawyers now. Bye. See yall later!
Tina Fey: Alright, Michael Irvin everyone.
Amy Poehler: A new poll reveals that 56 percent of Americans think Wal-Mart is bad for the country. While the other 44 percent work there.
On Wednesday, the 73rd Annual Rockefeller Christmas tree was lit. As was I. (She smiles and takes a sip from a glass of wine)
A crowd of thousands was on hand to watch the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting. The ceremony was marred, however, when the M&M balloon from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade appeared out of nowhere, struck two bystanders and then fled.
Tina Fey: A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later in life. The study is titled ‘National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.
It was reported that after husband Kevin Federline refused to see a therapist with her, Britney Spears has consulted a psychic to find out if Kevin will cheat on her and if their marriage will last. Sadly, Britney’s worst fears were confirmed, when, halfway through the reading, Federline boned the psychic.
Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Al Roker…..Kenan Thompson Megan Mullally…..Kristin Wiig Harry Connick, Jr…..Jason Sudeikis Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond Singers…..rest of cast
(open on Al Roker, Megan Mullally and Harry Connick, Jr. standing in front of a Rockefeller Center backdrop)
Al Roker: Welcome back! Its a great night out here in Rockefeller Center again. Isnt it, Harry?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Sure is, Al. And it was great out here last Wednesday, when we lit the tree for the first time.
Megan Mullally: Ya know, tonight, just for fun, were gonna turn it off. And then were gonna light that sucker right back up again! Hahahaha! Its either this or four Earls in a row.
Harry Connick, Jr.: I tell you, this is my favorite place to be at Christmas time.
Al Roker: You mean Holiday-Time, dont you Harry?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Oops. Thats right. Merry Holiday everybody! Ya know, some people enjoy Christmas songs, Hanukah songs, or even Kwanzaa songs. But everyone can enjoy a holiday song.
Al Roker: So in the spirit of diversity and fear, please welcome the NBC Peacock Singers with and all-inclusive Holiday medley for everyone.
(To SINGERS. Lyrics appear at the bottom of the screen)
Singers: (To the tune of Silent Night) “Silent night, Regular night All is calm, All is bright. Round the fire Mother and child Random infant Religiously neutral Sleep in comfortable beds Sleep in comfortable beds.”
Horatio Sanz: (To the tune of Away in a Manger) “Away in a barn box No bib for their lunch The donkey and camel On straw they will munch.”
Will Forte: (falsetto) “The stars in the sky Shine down cuz its night The lamb and that donkey just got in a fight.”
Megan Mullally: (To the tune of O Holy Night) “Oh, Tuesday night The stars are brightly shining It is the night To watch TV and play cards.”
Harry Connick, Jr.: “Fall on your knees And do a jigsaw puzzle Just stay inside Just stay inside Tonight Its half-past nine.”
Megan Mullally: “Just stay inside.”
Harry Connick, Jr. & Megan Mullally: “Feelin ..fine.”
Megan Mullally: Fine, yeah. Now to narrate the story of the birth of the Holiday, please welcome Mr. Donald Trump.
(To TRUMP in front of Rockefeller Center backdrop)
Donald Trump: Thank you Will and Grace. This place is really snazzed up. I gotta say, of the non-Trump buildings in New York, this property has a whole lotta flash, and it really screams out Merry Christmas. (Looking offstage) What? I cant say Christmas? Who made that rule? Well what about Chanukaha? (Pronounces it Cha-nook-a-huh) I cant say that? What about Kwanzoo? Thats just great. Alright, Lets crank this thing out. There were shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night. Then a civil representative of the town came up to them and said Heres the thing-a baby had been born to a lady of undeterminate ethnicity and/or religious affiliation. Youll find he or she is wrapped in clothes, looking really classy, and lying in a barn box. What the hell is a barn box? Yknow what? The end. Fa-la-fa-la. Fa-la-la-la. The Apprentice (Grins)
(Back to AL/MEGAN/HARRY and SINGERS)
Al Roker, Megan Mullally, Harry Connick, Jr.: Happy Holiday everybody!
All: “How ya doin? How ya doin? How ya doin? Im doin just fine!”
(spoken) “Live from New York its Saturday Night!”
[ open on exterior, Target Greatland, zoom forward ]
[ dissolve to interior, checkout line, as Customer #1 talks on a cell phone, Target Clerk and Trainee sniff a candle ]
Customer #1: Yeah, Im just finishing up some shopping, so Ill see you at home. OK? Bye.
Target Clerk: Were sorry we smelled your candle.
Trainee: Im not. It smells really good, and I had a good time doing it.
Customer #1: Oh, well that candles a gift for my mom.
Target Clerk: If you need another gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles?
Customer #1: Oh thats OK.
Trainee: Candles are relaxing. Sometimes when Im feeling stressed, I like to take out my hair, and light a ponytail, and then I brush it really hard.
[ runs fingers through hair vigorously ]
Target Clerk: Weve got these candles that have one scent on the top, and another scent on the bottom, so when, the top part, when you burn that down, its a whole other candle.
Customer #1: Um, no thanks. That ones just fine.
Target Clerk: Theyre real marvelous. Im gonna use my Target discount today and pick up a couple candles.
Trainee: I dont have a Target discount card yet because Im still in training, and that makes me angry. Sometimes when I get angry, I draw a picture of myself, and then I rip it up.
[ makes ripping motions with hands ]
Target Clerk: Theres one candle that has like a pine scent on the top, and on the bottom its like a nutmeg.
Trainee: I dont know why I dont have a discount card yet. I mean, I work here, you know? I just want that Felicia Reggard cookware before its gone.
Customer #1: Again, Im really OK with what Ive got here.
Target Clerk: What is this? A seashell garland?
Customer #1: Yeah, its a
Target Clerk: Its 99 cents! Do we have more of these?
Customer #1: Oh, yeah, theyre right over there
[ Customer points, Clerk leaves to get a seashell garland]
Customer #1: Where is that woman going? Great Listen; can you just finish this up for me? Cause Im kind-of in a hurry.
Trainee: I wish that I could, but Im still in training. So were probably just gonna have to have a weird moment here till she gets back.
[ awkward silence, Trainee nods his head and smiles, Clerk returns with garland ]
Target Clerk: Eureka! Im gonna lay this across my dashboard! OK, $54.11. ATM? Please enter in your secret code!
[ Clerk and Trainee turn away, as to not see Customers secret code, Customer looks confused, cups a hand around her mouth to be louder ]
Customer #1: OK
Target Clerk: Woo-hoo!
Trainee: You did it!
[ Trainee puts hand up for a high five but is denied one, Customer #1 leaves with bags, Customer #2 steps up to the register ]
Customer #2: Hows it going?
Target Clerk: Well, look how tall you are! If you had on an old-fashioned top hat, youd have a hard time getting into my apartment! These are some smart slacks! $12.99? Do we have more of these?
Customer #2: Yeah, theres tons of them, if you Hey Wheres she going?
Trainee: Oh, dont worry. Shes fast! Hey, why are you buying a bra?
[ Trainee pick up bra and plays with it ]
Customer #2: Well, uh, for your information, its for my daughter. Its a training bra.
Trainee: Oh, hey! Im in training here, too. Is she here?
Customer #2: No.
Trainee: Is she in the car?
Customer #2: No.
Trainee: Do you want me to go get her?
Customer #2: No!
Trainee: I just think that its weird that were both in training, her and I.
[ Laughs and rubs training bra on his face, Customer stops him ]
Customer #2: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
[ Customer puts bra back in basket, Employee returns ]
Target Clerk: My manager said I had to stay at my register.
Customer #2: Well, you were in the middle of a sale.
Target Clerk: Well $32.12. Cash!
Trainee: Yes!
[Puts hand up for high five and is denied one again ]
Target Clerk: If youre looking for a special gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles? Theres a snowman candle that has a carrot sticking out of its face for its nose!
Trainee: I built a snowman once and I named it Claire Huxtable! And I gave it snow children! A little Rudy, a Denise, a Vanessa, a Theo, and a little Raven Symone! They were like snow Huxtables!
Customer #2: No thanks. Im good!
Target Clerk: But theres another holiday candle with trees made out of glitter, and the little ornaments on it are tiny little balls
[ Trainee waves to Customer, Clerk continues to talk about the candle ]
Air Date:
