My life is brilliant My love is pure I saw an angel Of that, I’m sure She smiled at me on the subway She was with another man But I won’t lose no sleep on that ‘Cause I’ve got a plan.
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful You’re beautiful, it’s true. I saw your face in a crowded place And I don’t know what to do ‘Cause Ill never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye As I walked on by She could see from my face that I was [flying] high And I don’t think that I’ll see her again But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful You’re beautiful, it’s true. I saw your face in a crowded place And I don’t know what to do ‘Cause Ill never be with you.
La-la-la-la, La-la-la-la La-la-la-la, Laaah.
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful You’re beautiful, it’s true. There must be an angel with a smile on her face When she thought up that I should be with you. But it’s time to face the truth, I will never be with you.”
Peter Halpern…..Chris Parnell Louise LaLaire…..Amy Poehler Jonathan Pelt Madison…..Dane Cook Kip Christopher…..Seth Meyers Rufus Smalls…..Kenan Thompson Grace Chung…..Rachel Dratch “Mrs. Lembo”…..Kiristen Wiig Smovement Dancer…..Will Forte Smovement Dancer…..Bill Heder Smovement Dancer…..Andy Samberg Smovement Dancer…..Finesse Mitchell Anton Regal…..Fred Armisen
[open on exterior of school with sign: “West Bedford High School”]
[dissolve to interior auditorium]
Peter: Good morning, students of West Bedford High School. Welcome to Monday morning assembly. I am, of course, Peter Halpern, the head of the drama department. I would like to thank Principal Haley for asking the drama club to read the morning announcements. But as this is the drama club, we do not read the morning announcements. We perform them! So, without further ado, let me introduce seniors Louise LaLaire, Jonathan Pelt Madison, and Kip Chrisopher.
[Louise, Jonathan, and Kip enter stage left]
Louise: There’s a lot going on at West Bedford this week, so open your ears.
Jonathan: And your minds.
Kip: First announcement.
[the lights go down, and the students position three chairs to face each other before sitting]
[Kip gulps down a beer while the others mime eating]
Kip: When are you going to do something with your life?
Jonathan: Leave me alone, Dad! You’re drunk!
Louise: Don’t yell at your father.
[Louise stands and goes behind Kip while Jonathan stands opposite them]
Jonathan: You don’t think that I miss Tommy? He was my only brother!
Louise: Let’s not fight at Christmas. [she stands between them]
Kip: I wish you were the son that had fallen off that raft!
Jonathan: What do I have to do to make you proud?! [puts his hands to Kip’s chest, plaintively]
Kip: Be a man and go to the [faces audience] job fair in the library this Tuesday to Thursday, periods E to G.
[all three bow]
Jonathan: Thank you. That was called “Job Fair,” a one-act about the upcoming job fair.
Louise: Now, with this week’s cafeteria menu, Rufus Smalls and Grace Chung.
[dissolve to stage right, where Rufus stands in a jacket while Grace is seated with a cello]
[Grace plays throughout]
Rufus: For beautiful, for spacious skies. / For government lies and pecan pies. / For tater tots and salisbury steak. / For lunch in the United States of Fake. / George Bush preaches empty speeches. / Peaches. / Chicken McNuggets, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm. / And also green salad, / diced pears, / applesauce, / and individuals pizzas. / One love. [peace sign]
[dissolve to center stage with Louise with a spotlight on her face, and Jonathan and Kip facing away]
Louise: They picked a cheerleading squad. Where is my name? Why can’t I find my name?! [holds her hands up beside her face]
[Jonathan and Kip turn forwards and are holding grotesque masks to their faces]
Jonathan and Kip: Your name isn’t there!
Louise: No! [pulls her hands down to her neck]
Jonathan and Kip: You are not worthy of the squad!
Louise: Stop it! [crosses her wrists in front of her]
Jonathan and Kip: We cast you out!
Louise: Nooooo!!!!! [extends her hands before her, as if to hold something away]
Jonathan and Kip: Congratulations to Becky Abbot.
Louise: Oh! [clutches head]
Jonathan and Kip: Stacy Daniels.
Louise: Oh! [clutches other side of head]
Jonathan and Kip: Maureen Hearst!
Louise: Why?! [clutches at neck]
[lights come up]
Louise: Thank you. [all three bow] That was “Exclusion,” a meditation on the cheerleading tryouts in the style of Euripides.
Jonathan: Many of you know that Mrs. Lembo recently broke her hip falling on the third floor hallway. If you want to send flowers, she’s at Mercy Hospital
Kip: And if you want to see a reenactment of her fall, look no further than West Bedford’s own interpretive dance team, Smovement.
[dissolve to stage right, with four dancing forming two rows on either side of a performer portraying Mrs. Lembo]
“Mrs Lembo”: What a perfect day. Two healthy hips. [she steps between the rows of dancers, and piano music starts in a minor key] Oh, no! [she wavers to the left and then the right, twice] Why are these hallways so slippery? [the dancers wave their arms in front of her] Can’t keep my footing. [pirouettes and falls backwards into the dancers’ arms] No! I’m falling! [the dancers lift her straight up and then moan as they lower her to the ground] Anything but my hip!
Smovement Dancers: And CRACK!!!
[“Mrs. Lembo” wrenches her body as a red light shines on the group]
[the dancers leave “Mrs. Lembo” alone on the stage]
“Mrs Lembo”: Mrs. Edwards will be covering my classes.
[dissolve to center stage, dark, with Louise and Jonathan who is wearing a crown]
[Kip appears behind them, dressed as a court jester]
Kip: Your Majesty, you would applaud with rosy-cheeked countenance while so many go hungry?
Jonathan: Do not be coy, sir. You speak to the King.
Kip: The holiday season dawns and peasants starve, yet you sit in your palace throne and laugh.
Jonathan: And what is your solution?
Kip: Participate in the West Bedford holiday can drive.
Louise: What?! [The lights come up and all three bow] Thank you. That was “Can Drive.” Don’t forget to bring in your cans, everybody.
Jonathan: And now, three time winner of the West Bedford one-man show award, Anton Regal performs “Gossip.”
Anton: [puts his hand to his mouth, as if to amplify it] “Hey, did you hear the new gossip?!” [lowers his hand] Everyone was talking about Kelly and Matt, West Bedford’s golden couple. [hand to mouth] “Did you hear about Kelly and Matt?” “What?” [lowers hand] “Don’t tell me you didn’t hear!” You see, they were our Brad and Jennifer. “They broke up!” “No!” “I don’t believe it!” They represented our youth, our idea of perfection. [scoffs] What do we know. We’re just kids. “Hey, did you hear? They got back together!” “All right!” You know, when I heard that, I smiled to myself. I was going to get to be a kid again. At least for another day. [turns and walks away]
[dissolve to stage right, with Kip and the shot moving to center stage as the lights come up]
Kip: Thank you, everyone! Thank you! Come on out, everybody!
[all other performers come to the stage]
Louise: This has been Monday morning announcements, everyone. [catches roses that are thrown from the audience] Oh, thank you!
Jonathan: And don’t forget, the “Vagina Monologues” auditions are open to men and women.
Dane Cook: Thanks to James Blunt. And thank you to this amazing cast right here, an unbelievable crew, and all my fans who put me here on “Saturday Night Live.”
Victor Ramos….Horatio Sanz Jeremy Oskin….Dane Cook Nancy Saunders….Amy Poehler
(CAN TV logo)
Announcer: You are watching Can Television. Cable Access of Chicago. Up next Fight Back with Victor Ramos.
(Rock music)
(A dojo like studio with swords and martial arts weapons on the walls. A fist comes out from a door in the back. An attractive business woman sits in the studio)
(Fight Back with Victor Ramos logo)
(Victor Ramos comes out. He´s fat with curly hair and a mustache and also wears a red jacket)
Victor Ramos: Hello everyone. Welcome to Fight Back. I´m your host Victor Ramos. I´m a volunteer neighborhood street guardian. I´m a expert in karate, nunchucks usage, throwing stars and most importantly I am prepared for anything.
Jeremy Oskin: AAAAAHHH!!!!
(A young man wearing the same red jacket attacks Victor rather lamely. Victor blocks the punches)
Victor Ramos: Uh hah! Now allow me to introduce my co-host. He´s my spiritual brother in the struggle against injustice and he´s also the assistant manager of the reptile department at Pet Smart. Please welcome Jeremy Oskin.
(Victor holds up a wooden plank for Jeremy to punch and destroy. Jeremy punches)
Jeremy Oskin: Yiah!(wooden plank is not broken)
Victor Ramos: One more time. (Jeremy punches and it cuts in two) Oh!
Victor and Jeremy: (they bow to each other) Osu.
(They sit)
Jeremy Oskin:(kind of a speech impediment) Thank you for having me in the program. I just like to say a few words. Recently Victor and I we were forced to end our association with the Guardian Angels due to a disagreement over procedure. Apparently it had come to their attention that I was not wearing the proper uniform while patrolling the city´s subway lines.
Victor Ramos: What were you wearing?
Jeremy Oskin: A full rubber Batman costume.
Victor Ramos: And because I was dressed as Robin I had to quit as well. Anyway, let me bring out my first guest. She is the director of security for the Chicago Transit Authority. Miss Nancy–oh, you gonna have to help me with this one. Nancy Squanjack?
Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders. Nancy Saunders.
Victor Ramos: Interesting. Uh, Miss Saunders welcome, now is the city beefing up security in this days of elevated terrorist-s?
Nancy Saunders: Well as of Monday we´ve been performing random bags checks. We´ve also been—
Victor Ramos: Excuse me. Wouldn´t you say the best defense is a strong offense, Miss Squanjack?
Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders.
Victor Ramos: Ok, let me show you a little plan that Jeremy and I have come up with to deal with this suspicious weirdoes. Help me out on this Jeremy.
(Victor and Jeremy get up for a demonstration)
Jeremy Oskin: For this exercise I´ll be playing the good samaritan minding his or her own business. And Victor will be playing an Al-Qaida. (Victor puts on a backpack) “Hey, how are you? What is with that big backpack?”
Victor Ramos: “I´m looking for a place to fix my turban. Can you please tell me where I may find a train full of innocent people?”
Jeremy Oskin: Hmmm. This man says he needs his turban fixed. And that´s weird. Why would he do his business in a train as well? That´s suspicious.
Victor Ramos: Jeremy has realized this is a prime opportunity to quiz the perpetrator.
Jeremy Oskin: “So let me ask you this. Who is the most talented martial artist of all time?”
Victor Ramos: Now, if the perpetrator were to answer anything other than A)Bruce Lee or B)Chuck Norris, he better C) his way out of this country before we kick his ass.
Jeremy Oskin: At which point I would commence my attack with whatever weapons available to me and in this case is a big bag of extra hot Cheetos which I would push into his face. Yipow!(pushes bag into Victor´s face)Then with my trusty throwing star plunge it into his shoulder. Yiah!(he demonstrates) And with my feet and knees which are both registered with the FBI, I would kick his balls.(he demonstrates the stomping)
Victor Ramos: Yes. Now a kick to the testicles is not lethal. Testicles are made out of a spaghetti-o like substance so you would not kill the assailant but merely bring him down.
Jeremy and Victor: Osu. (they bow to each other, sit)
Nancy Saunders: Well, um, that was a wonderful play. But we at the Transit Authority we just can´t randomly attack people.
Victor Ramos: I don´t tell you how to drive a bus. Don´t tell us how to randomly attack people.
Nancy Saunders: I´m not a bus driver. I´m the head of security for the Transit Authority.
Victor Ramos: Whatever you say, Miss Squanjack. If that is your real name.
Nancy Saunders: Its not. Its not my real name.
Victor Ramos: Ok, well that´s all the time we have left. I want to thank my co-host Jeremy Oskin and my special guest Miss Squanjack.
Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders!(almost losing her cool)
Victor Ramos: And remember, when in doubt, fight back. Jeremy, lets show ´em what we got.
(Jeremy starts throwing ninja stars into a target. And Victor demonstrates his nunchucks abilities)
Jerry: [ outraged ] You got married? I was in a coma for a day!
Girlfriend: It was a long day, Jerry, okay? Kevin was a real comfort to me.
Kevin: Yeah, we hit it off. I saw her in line at Great Adventure, and I knew she was the one.
Jerry: [ offended ] You went to Great Adventure while I was in a coma?!
Girlfriend: [ in her feeble defense ] I was stressed, Jerry! You know I like to ride rollercoasters when I’m stressed!
Jerry: It was one freakin’ day!
Girlfriend: relunctantly ] Jerry, there are a few more things that I have to tell you.
Jerry: Good Lord!
Girlfriend: I sold your car.
Jerry: What?!
Girlfriend: For a dollar.
Jerry: What?!
Girlfriend: Awwww, you know I’m not good at selling things.
Jerry: It was a ’65 Mustang! My Dad gave me that car!
Girlfriend: Please, Jerry. I did what any normal person does when they grieve: I smashed all your records, I buried your golf clubs, I had sex with your brother —
Kevin: [ jumping in ] Which I am fine with, by the way.
Jerry: [ eyes the jacket Kevin is wearing ] Is that my jacket?
Girlfriend: It’s his jacket now. Please don’t yell at my husband.
Jerry: This is crazy! Throughout our whole relationship, I’ve been patient with you, okay? I quit my job for you, I moved here for you, I converted to Christianity for you —
Girlfriend: I know..
Jerry: My God! The penis reduction surgery – for you!
Girlfriend: I know. Thank you for that.
Jerry: This is a steaming pile of bull-crazy!
Doctor: I would watch yourself, Jerry. We don’t want to have to put you back into another coma.
Jerry: What do you mean, put me back into a coma?
Doctor: Well, we medically-induced your coma because you were rude to some of the nurses. These women work hard, and they don’t deserve to be sassed – not on my watch.
Jerry: So, there’s nothing wrong with me?
Doctor: Oh, on the contrary. You had a bad broken toe.
Jerry: Yuo are a terrible doctor!
Doctor: Hmm. And you’re a terrible patient. Keep up that attitude, and you’ll be right back in that coma.
Jerry: [ nonplussed ] You’re threatening me?!
Girlfriend: Sweetheart, look. I can understand that you’re angry. The world has changed, and that must be very scary for you.
Jerry: It was one freakin’ day!
Girlfriend: You missed a lot of thing. You know – your monday night football, the Tuesday morning paper. Our wedding, your funeral —
Jerry: You had a funeral?!
Girlfriend: Don’t worry. I knew you’d be embarrassed about your karaoke accident, so I told everyone that you died from autoerotic asphixiation.
Jerry: [ sarcastic ] Yeah, that’s much less embarrassing.
Doctor: It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Jerry: I’m not ashamed, because I didn’t do it!
Girlfriend: Jerry, it was a great party. Everyone came by and said goodbye to you, we dressed you up like a girl and we took pictures of you.
Kevin: [ proudly ] I won the Limbo contest!
Jerry: Shut it, Kev! [ a beat ] You know what? I think this coma was the best thing that ever happened to me! Because now I get a peak into the darkness which is your stupid, ass-faced head of yours! Okay?! I’m gonna live life to the fullest from now on! I’m gonna bang tons of girls, I’m gonna get back into Motocross, and I’m gonna be Jewish again! But the first thing Im’ gonna do is, I’m gonna kick all three of your asses! [ to Kevin ] Starting with you, pal! [ lunges toward Kevin with his hands clenched ]
Girlfriend: Take it easy, Jerry..
[ Jerry falls to the floor ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Good Samaritan Hospital, zoom forward ]
[ dissolve to interior, hospital room, as Jerry once again lies comatose in his hospital bed. His girlfriend steps forward, now donning reddish hair. ]
[ suddenly, Jerry comes back to life with another series of rough, staggering coughs ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 3rd, 2005 Dane Cook James Blunt None None Jorma Taccone JB Smoove Tree Re-Lighting SpecialSummary: To celebrate the re-lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center, a holiday choir sings religiously-neutral carols that won’t run the risk of offending viewers who don’t celebrate Christmas. Recurring Characters: Harry Connick, Jr., Megan Mullally, Donald Trump. Transcript
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.
Dane Cook’s MonologueSummary: Dane Cook performs stand-up on a variety of topics that includes photography and bouncing cashews off his penis. Bio: Dane Cook (1972-). Comedian; created the Super Finger (Su-Fi) as a way of adding pizazz to the tradition of giving someone “the finger.” Also Hosted: 06a.
Monday Morning AssemblySummary: Members of the West Bedford High School Drama Club re-enactment the morning announcements to the student body. Transcript
Taco TownSummary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another. Note: Repeat from 05b.
The Long Ride Home: The Jay Feely StorySummary: Feeling somber over his gaffes during the Giants game, Jay Feely (Dane Cook) nearly gets a chance to redeem himself on the ride home when the airplane pilot (Chris Parnell) suddenly takes ill.
Wool SweaterSummary: Keith (Dane Cook) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater. Note: The buffet table doesn’t collapse the first time Dane Cook falls on it, so he intentionally throws himself into it a second time. Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsals of the Steve Carell and Jon Heder episodes. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Two men (Andy Samberg, Will Forte) discuss the former’s problems over a head of lettuce, courtesy of the United Lettuce Growers Association. Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsal of the Eva Longoria episode. Transcript
Target GreatlandSummary: Target employee (Kristin Wiig) and her trainee (Dane Cook) carry on unsettling behavior in front of customers. Recurring Characters: Target clerk. Transcript
James Blunt performs “Youre Beautiful”Bio: James Blunt (1974-). English singer-songwriter; former Officer with the British Army, who served as a NATO peacekeeper in Kosovo; he also performed duties at the Queen Mother’s funeral, including carrying her coffin. Transcript
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Rachel Dratch plays a film of her recent experiences wandering through the city in fat padding. Michael Irvin (Kenan Thompson) comments on his recent drug arrest. Transcript
The ComaSummary: Upon waking from a 24-hour coma, Jerry (Dane Cook) finds himself living in an altered universe where his grieving girlfriend (Amy Poehler) is sudenly married to another man (Will Forte). Transcript
Fight Back with Victor RamosSummary: Victor Ramos (Horatio Sanz) and his sidekick (Dane Cook) show Chicago Transit Authority employee (Amy Poehler) the proper way to fight terrorism. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of this season’s episode hosted by Eva Longoria episode and last season’s episode hosted by Kate Winslet. Transcript
James Blunt performs “Goodbye My Lover”
Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school. Note: Repeat from 05a.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Car RentalSummary: A car rental salesman (Dane Cook) creeps out a couple (Jason Sudeikis, Rachel Dratch) when he cracks various bones in his body.
Stuart Little Mouse Removal KitSummary: Modeled after the movie, homeowners can get rid of unwanted mice by leaving cheese, tracks and an exploding race car aimed out the front door. Note: This commercial parody will later air on the episode hosted by Jack Black.
Scam ArtistSummary: A scam artist (Dane Cook) pretends to be other people in order to collect money from his victims.
HallmarkSummary: A sales associate (Dane Cook) at Hallmark is driven crazy when customers (Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig) delight in playing with a piano-playing mechanical snowman.
Carol!Summary: At the Bowl-a-Rama, Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up another male friend (Dane Cook) with the enigma that is Carol (Horatio Sanz). Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda. Note: This sketch will air next week on the episode hosted by Alec Baldwin.
Exercise ClassSummary: An exercise instructor (Dane Cook) makes his patrons stretch to “Walk Like an Egyptian”.
What Really Happened at the Vanity Fair Photo Shoot
Mark…..Bill Hader Leonard Kelly…..Jason Sudekis Teri Hatcher…..Eva Longoria Marcia Cross…..Amy Poehler Eva Longoria…..Rachel Dratch Felicity Huffman…..Kristin Wiig Nicolette Sheridan…..Seth Meyers
[open on title screen with voice over: “And Now, The Question All Of Planet Earth Wants Answered…What Really Happened At The “Desperate Housewives” Vanity Fair Photo Shoot]
[dissolve to photo shoot, set up as a poolside patio, with two assistants setting up props]
Mark: [entering] All right, that looks great. Okay, just leave that. Thanks.
Leonard: [enters, holding folder] Hey, Mark. Hello, I’m Leonard Kelly, publicist with ABC. We are so excited about the “Vanity Fair” cover. We can’t even tell you.
Mark: Oh, great, thanks.
Leonard: Uh, just a couple things I want to go over before the “Desperate Housewives” themselves get here, okay? Uh, let’s see. [opens folder] Number one, Teri Hatcher cannot be in the middle of the picture, okay?
Mark: [surprised] Okay.
Leonard: All right. Because if she is, the other four ladies will sue you. [laughs, and photographer joines in] That’s not a joke.
Mark: Wow.
Leonard: Not a joke. Number two, you cannot digitally replace any of the ladies’ heads with an extra Teri Hatcher head.
Mark: Why would I do that?
Leonard: I don’t know, but it’s happened to us before, okay?
Teri Hatcher: [enters, wearing a white bathrobe] Hi Mark. I’m Teri Hatcher. [shakes his hand] I’m so excited to be photographed by you. [removes bathrobe to reveal a red bathing suit] Ready when you are.
Mark: Uh, I thought we’d wait for the other ladies.
Teri Hatcher: Have it your way.
Marcia Cross: [enters wearing a white bathrobe over a green bathing suit] Hi, hello, Mark. I’m Marcia Cross [shakes his hand], and I think this shoot is going to be tremendously fun. A few of our castmates can be a little bit difficult, but I’m the easygoing and normal one.
Eva Longoria: [enters wearing a black bathing suit and typing into a PDA] Hi, I’m Eva Longoria. Thank you so much for doing this shoot. I hear you’re really amazing. [extends a hand to shake without looking up from the PDA]
[Mark steps forward slightly and Leonard pulls Eva’s hand towards Mark to complete the shake]
Mark: Thanks. You are, too.
Marcia Cross: Oh, am I not amazing, Mark?
Mark: Huh?
Marcia Cross: Am I less than amazing? I mean, Eva’s amazing, you’re amazing, and am I just a little sesame seed in a dog’s excrement?
Mark: No, that’s not what I meant at all.
Marcia Cross: Okay, my mistake. Carry on!
Felicity Huffman: [enters wearing a white bathrobe and shakes Mark’s hand] Hi, I’m Felicity Huffman. Please don’t make me do anything dumb. [turns away]
Mark: Okay?
[Nicolette enters wearing a white bathing suit]
Mark: And you must be Nicolette Sheridan.
Nicolette Sheridan: [with very deep voice, used throughout] Where do I stand, sweetheart?
Mark: Uh, wherever you want. You know, let’s just start with whatever pose feels natural, okay? [women who are still wearing bathrobes remove them, and Felicity is now wearing a pink bathing suit] You know, use the way you guys actually feel about each other. Okay. [Eva and Teri begin jostling each other] And, go! [Eva and Teri start strangling each other, Nicolette looms horrifically over a languidly terrified Marcia, and Felicity puts her fingers to her head as if they were a gun, while flash photographs are taken] Okay, okay, maybe I should place you. You know what, Eva, I thought you would look great leaning against this chaise.
Eva Longoria: [pulling PDA from a pocket and typing] Oh, that sounds great. I love that.
Leonard: [holding a smaller PDA] Okay, Mark? Eva is text messaging me that she does not want to sit on the chaise.
Mark: You don’t like the chaise idea?
Eva Longoria: [typing] No, I love it. I think it’s genius.
Leonard: Eva is texting me that she wants to be in the front, or she will leave.
Mark: Let’s have you lay across the front.
Eva Longoria: Ooh, fun!
Teri Hatcher: Oh, I know! What if I’m in the middle, Mark?
[everyone shouts, “Nooooo!!!”]
Mark: Let’s have Teri–
Leonard: No, no, no, you can’t have Teri next to Marcia, because it makes Teri feel like her head is too small.
Teri Hatcher: Leonard, does my head look too small?
Leonard: I’m on it!
Mark: Okay, Felicity, how about–
Leonard: No, no, no, you can’t put Felicity next to Eva, because Felicity is allergic to Eva’s perfume.
Nicolette Sheridan: Let’s get this going before I have to shave my legs again.
Teri Hatcher: Okay, can I just say [walks towards center of shot] I am so happy to be with you guys [steps forward], and to have my comeback. [smiles and poses]
[everyone shouts, “Nooooo!!!”]
Mark: Nicolette, let’s have you sit–
Leonard: No, no, no, I’m sorry, you can’t have Nicolette sitting or you’ll see her package. [points downward]
Nicolette Sheridan: I don’t want them to see my balls, Leonard.
Leonard: I’m on it!
Nicolette Sheridan: Thank you.
Mark: Okay, Marcia, how about you move about two inches to the left. [Marcia screams theatrically] Or not.
Teri Hatcher: Oh, Marcia, don’t cry! [rushes up to her] We’re all here together. [steps forward and poses]
Marcia Cross: Get her out of the middle!
[other housewives scream, “Nooooo!!!” and Nicolette picks Teri up and moves her to the edge of the shot]
Mark: Let’s shoot this, ladies!
Nicolette Sheridan: I moved her!
Marcia Cross: Good job.
[woman pose as actually featured on the cover of Vanity Fair ]
Mark: Three, two, one! [bright flash]
[dissolve to photo with title: “Vanity Fair,” and article titles, including “Housewife Confidential!” matching actual Vanity Fair cover]
…..Tina Fey …..Amy Poehler Jean Schmidt…..Rachel Dratch Steven Jobs…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its WeekendUpdate, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: Hi, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey, and here are tonights top stories:
Well, all hell broke loose in the House of Representatives last night when Ohio Republican Jean Schmidt was violently booed by her colleagues for implying that Congressman John Murtha was a coward for wanting to pull our troops out of Iraq. Take a look
(Cuts to actual footage of Jean Schmidt)
Jean Schmidt: He asked me to send congress a message, stay the course! He also asked me to send Congressman Murtha a message that cowards cut and run, marines never do.
(Booing beings and grows louder. A gavel can be heard trying to silence the people as well as a man yelling at them)
Danny and the rest of America, and the world want the assurance from this body that we will see this through
Tina Fey: Wow, I haven’t heard booing like that since I quit stripping.
Prior to serving in Congress, John Murtha was a decorated 37 year veteran, where as Jean Schmidt was, Im just guessing from her outfit, a 1970s gymnast.
Schmidt addressed the house later in the evening and retracted her statements. We have that video as well
(Cuts to a video of Rachel Dratch as Jean Schmidt)
Jean Schmidt: My remarks earlier tonight were not directed at any specific member of the house, and certainly not at the honorable gentleman from Pennsylvania, Mr. Murtha. But like the saying goes, if you cant take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
(Booing begins)
I meant me! I meant that Im the freshman representative here, not Congressman Murtha who has been serving his country with distinction for coons age.
(Booing continues still!)
An expression. I always thought, referred to the longevity of raccoons . Although it occurs to me now that I may have been wrong about that. Donna Brazil, you have my apologies.
(A crumpled up piece of paper is thrown at her)
Hopefully we can all move on from this issue and like the Beatles said, Let it be because I think we all can agree that the Beatles were not that great of a band.
(Booing grows louder and even more pieces of paper are thrown)
Tina Fey: Wow! Jean Schmidt!
Amy Poehler: Wow! She really cannot read the room there!
Tina Fey: Hm um!
Amy Poehler: Hello! Reporter Bob Woodward testified this week that a White House informant revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame to him weeks before her identity was disclosed. And, as he did during Watergate, Woodward nicknamed his informant after the day’s most popular porno movie. Which has everyone wondering, just who is ‘Anal Debutantes #34?
The federal government began investigating allegations of fraud against the Coalition Provisional Authority, a U.S. contractor, accused in a bid-rigging operation involving millions of dollars. Asked to comment, a spokesman for Halliburton said, Millions? With an ‘M?’ That is adorable.
Tina Fey: According to a document released Monday, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito wrote in 1985, that he was proud to support the Regan administrations efforts to ban abortion. Alito has since backed away from that statement saying he made a lot of bad decisions in the 80s.
(Shows a picture of him Alito with very crazy blonde hair, in a white suite and an aqua colored t-shirt with sunglasses hanging from the collar.)
President Bush’s overall approval ratings have hit a new all-time low of 36% with only 34% of Americans saying they find the president trustworthy and 41% saying they believe the President misled the nation about the war in Iraq. If Bush’s numbers don’t improve he could become the first president to be held back and forced to repeat his presidency.
Amy Poehler: On Wednesday, Bill Clinton criticized the Bush administration saying the Iraq war was a big mistake. And whatever your opinion of ex-President Clinton, hes an expert on big mistakes.
(Shows a picture of Monica Lewinsky)
Tina Fey: This year’s Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was chopped down from a property in Wayne, New Jersey and set in place last week. The tree, a 74-foot Norway Spruce, was selected after the first choice, a 75-foot-tall Scotch Pine, tested positive for steroids.
Amy Poehler: We are very honored here at Weekend Update to have a very special guest. Here to talk about the hottest gifts this holiday season, CEO of Apple Computers, Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs: Thank you Amy and Tina. Are you looking for the perfect holiday gift? Well its here, the new iPod.
Tina Fey: Oh! The iPod Nano? I got that one, I love it!
Steve Jobs: Nope!
Amy Poehler: Oh oh! No! Tina, I bet its that new video iPod. Those look really cool; I want to get one of those!
Steve Jobs: No! Those are both obsolete. This one came out just a few minutes ago.
Amy Poehler: A few minutes ago?
Steve Jobs: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, introducing, and Im thrilled about this, the iPod Micro!
(He pulls out an iPod that is no more than an inch tall)
Tina and Amy: Wow!
Steve Jobs: The iPod Micro holds over 50 thousand songs! It has iPhoto, you can watch movies on it, in high definition.
Tina Fey: But we can barely see it.
Steve Jobs: Exactly! Thats exciting!
Amy Poehler: Well I guess, but how are we supposed to watch movies on it?
Steve Jobs: Well, you dont have to worry about that because by Thanksgiving, the iPod Micro will be obsolete!
(He throws it onto the Update desk. Tina and Amy gasp)
Ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled about this, introducing the new iPod Pequeño.
(He pulls out one that is at least half the size of the iPod Micro)
Tina Fey: When did that come out?
Steve Jobs: Just now! The iPod Pequeño, the smallest iPod yet! It holds a million songs! A million songs! A MILLION SONGS! It has an iCalendar that goes seven thousand years into the future, iPhoto, you can watch movies on this!
Amy Poehler: Geez, you know that things really small.
Tina Fey: And you can watch movies on that?
Steve Jobs: Not any more, because by Christmas, the iPod Pequeño will be obsolete.
(He throws it down on the desk as well)
Amy Poehler: Wait, that iPod was only out for like five seconds.
Steve Jobs: Five seconds too long! It was too big! Ridicules, old, obsolete! But guess what, Im very proud to introduce, and Im thrilled about this, the new iPod Invisa.
(He pulls something out but he is really not holding anything)
Amy Poehler: Okay, wait a minute Steve Jobs, I dont even think youre really holding anything.
Steve Jobs: I am! The iPod Invisa, the perfect stocking stuffer. It holds 8 million songs, every photograph ever taken, Pong. And watch
(He purposely throws it on the desk.)
Steve Jobs: Oops I dropped it, but where did it go, on the ground? No, its floating!
Tina Fey: Steve Jobs everyone.
Amy Poehler: He wasnt holding anything you guys. Thank you Steve.
Tina Fey: A raid by federal, state and local authorities at a Wal-Mart store construction site in Pennsylvania netted 125 arrests for alleged immigration violations. Not surprisingly, they were all found in the ‘Illegal Immigrant Aisle.
Amy Poehler: It was announced this week that Regis Philbin will host a Fox New Year’s show that will air opposite Dick Clark’s show. The difference between the two? (imitating Regis Philbin) More yelling!
A spokeswoman for Michael Jackson said the pop star never intended to use the ladies room in a Dubai Mall, he just did not recognize the Arabic sign on the door. In fairness though, this is the Arabic symbol for a ladies room.
(Shows a sign with a person that resembles Jackson)
Fox is concerned about possible fines from the FCC after a scene in last week’s ‘The OC’ in which Mischa Barton’s nipple briefly slipped out of her shirt, most likely in search of food.
Tina Fey: The Vegetarian Society of England gave this year’s award for best restaurant to the Rainbow Cafi in Cambridge. Read the full reviews in this month’s issue of vegetarian magazine ‘So Very Weak.
A 15-year-old boy who married the 37-year-old mother of one of his friends, said that the relationship was consensual and that he is in love with her…boobies.
Amy Poehler: A school in suburban Detroit removed the song ‘Pick A Bale of Cotton’ from a middle school concert after a black parent complained that it glorified slavery. To be fair, it was the Stephen Foster Middle School For Glorifying Slavery.
According to a new study, machines will take over from humans as the biggest users of the Internet. Thanks to new technology that allows machines to masturbate.
For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[cheers and applause as Amy and Tina wave to the camera; fade]
Vincent Price…..Bill Hader Clark Gable…..Darrell Hammond Judy Garland…..Kristin Wiig Alfred Hitchcock…..Horatio Sanz Chesterfield Girl…..Amy Poehler Ricky Ricardo…..Fred Armisen Lucille Ball…..Eva Longoria
[ open on TV Land title card: “1958 Variety Vault” ]
Announcer: You’re watching TV Land.
[ dissolve to grainy black-and-white tape, the scenery set in what appears to be a haunted mansion, with eerie organ music eminating from somewhere within. A caddishly-dressed Vincent Price, complete with black raven perched on his shoulder, steps before the camera. Thunder crackles outside the window. ]
Vincent Price: Greetings, weary travelers. My name is.. Vincent Price. Tonight, I offer you passage in the dark recesses of the supernatural.
[ sound effect: the crackling of thunder in the background ]
Hark! Did you hear that? Is that the children of the night crying out in unimaginable agony? Or, is it.. my Thanksgiving special?
[ title card appears on an overhead shot ]
Announcer: It’s “Vincent Price’s Thanksgiving Special.” Now, please welcome your nefarious host, the Master of Horror – Vincent Price.
[ return to Vincent Price, now leaning against the fireplace ]
Vincent Price: Thanksgiving. A holiday originating with the pagan festival of Brishnov Nishnak, where naked, blood-soaked man-beasts feast on the entrails of peasant children. It was either that, or the pilgrims came up with it – you know, I-I don’t really know. I went to a small school, it was just me and two other guys. Nevertheless! It is a day marked by gourging one’s self on the flesh of a brutally decapitated fowl – a fowl brough to our banquet by the incomparable Clark Gable.
[ Clark Gable enters the room, carrying a huge cooked turkey on a platter ]
Clark Gable: All right, everyone, gather ’round! This Tom Turkey is fit for a king!
Vincent Price: Clark Gable. What brings you by the most evil, demon-plagued residence in the entire city of Burbank?
Clark Gable: I’m in town making a little film called “The Misfits”, with Marilyn Monroe.
Vincent Price: [ clearly uninterested ] Marilyn Monroe. How lovely.
Clark Gable: Yes, I hope it’s a long shot – if you know what I mean.
Vincent Price: [ disgusted ] Yes.. I unfortunately do. [ returns his attention to the camera ] Moving on! Much like the ancient Egyptian mortuary artisens filled their cadavers with carbonate salt, so must one prepare a good stuffing for the body cavity of our deceased being. Here, with that very delicacy, are my good friends Alfred Hitchcock and Judy Garland.
[ Alfred Hitchcock’s theme music pots up, as he and Judy Garland appear from the other side of a rotating bookcase ]
Judy Garland: [ clearly hocked up on drugs and living in her own distorted reality ] Oh, hello! Hello! Hello!
Alfred Hitchcock: [ holding half of a plate of stuffing ] Good.. ev-e-ning.
Judy Garland: Hi, everybody! I whipped up some of my famous cornbread stuffing for all of you!
Alfred Hitchcock: Although, unfortunately, I seem to have ingested most of it on the car ride over here.
Vincent Price: Well, uh.. you did leave half. That shows remarkable restraint.
Alfred Hitchcock: We’re here to present a short playlet, illustrating the events surrounding the first Thanksgiving.
Judy Garland: Oh, a play! I just love the theatre, don’t you, Mickey Rooney!
Alfred Hitchcock: [ puts the stuffing down, and wraps a homemade Indian headdress around his head ] Okay, let’s begin.
Vincent Price: Splendid.
Alfred Hitchcock: “Greetings, white man. We welcome you to our forest.
Judy Garland: [ holds up her hands and staring at them ] Oh! Did you ever get the feeling that your hands are made of sand!
Vincent Price: [ confused ] Is that part of the play, or are you asking me?
Judy Garland: Oh! Oh, Toto! Oh, I don’t think I want to be on this boat any more!
Vincent Price: [ bemused ] I see. Well, that truly was a wonderful play. Now, I think this would be a good time to give Miss Garland a nice, cold shower and maybe a gallon of coffee.
Clark Gable: I always find what usually helps is a little hair of the dog.
Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] You’re not helping, Gable! [ everyone else joins Gable on the couch ] Now.. while we get this sorted out, please enjoy this word from one of our sponsors. [ Judy Garland falls to the floor and slithers ] Oh, she’s on the floor now. [ losing his cool ] Am I the only one seeing this?!
[ dissolve to sponsor – Chesterfield Cigarette girl dressed in a Chesterfield cigarette box, dancing ]
[ dissolve back to the Thanksgiving special, Vincent Price in mid-conversation with an unfazed Alfred Hitchcock ]
Vincent Price: — Now, why would you bring her here in this condition? I mean, it’s ten o’clock in the morning — ! [ looks up at the camera ] Are we back? [ his eyes grow wide ] Are you serious? Who makes twelve-second cigarette commercials?! [ mutters to himself ] This is ridiculous.. All right.
[ Price stands to resume the Thanksgiving special ]
Welcome back, wanderers. You have survived thus far, and for that I salute you. We have a s for you now. We have a turkey, and Hitchcock hasn’t eaten all the stuffing yet. And all that’s left is a nice dessert. And here with a nice pumpkin pie, is everyone’s favorite ilegal alien – Desii Arnez, and his lovely wife, Lucille Ball.
[ cut to Desi and Lucy on the far end of the set interior ]
Desi Arnez: Thank you, Vincent.
Lucille Ball: Happy Thanksgiving, Vincent!
Desi Arnez: Lucy! Take it easy.
Lucille Ball: I’m sorry, Ricky!
Desi Arnez: Okay, that’s better. Look, Vincent, we brought you fried plantains, a traditional Cuban Thanksgiving dessert.
Vincent Price: Plantains? Well, that’s interesting. I had you down for a pumpkin pie, but, hey, why listen to me? I’m only the host of the show.
Desi Arnez: Now, ladies and gentlemen, Thanksgiving is different in Cuba, where I am from, so I wrote a song about it for you, and Lucy promised me she wouldn’t sing at all.
Lucille Ball: Oh, come on, Ricky!
Desi Arnez: Lucy, you promised.
Lucille Ball: Oh, but, Ricky!
Desi Arnez: Lucy, NO!
Lucille Ball: Fine! [ stomps away offscreen ]
Desi Arnez: Here we go. [ begins to bang on the bongos as he sings ] “Hap-hap-hap-happy Thanksgiving! It’s that turkey time of year!”
[ Lucy re-enters scene, singing shrilly ]
Lucille Ball: “Hap-hap-hap-happy Thanksgiving!”
Desi Arnez: Lucy! I told you no singing!
Lucille Ball: Oh, Ricky!
Desi Arnez: Please.
Lucille Ball: [ a delayed reaction, then finally: ] Waaaaaaahhhhhh!!!
[ cut back to Price ]
Vincent Price: Well, I can’t say I didn’t see that one coming. And, thankfully, that’s all the time we have. I’d like to thank all my guests — [ glances to the side to find: ]
Judy Garland: [ clutching toward a portrait of George Washington ] George! George! George, you won’t even look at me, George! Oh, George! George! Don’t you remember Paris, George!
Vincent Price: [ outraged ] What is she doing back in here?! Hitchcock, take care of her!
[ Hitchcock rises from the couch and slowly advances towards Judy as he would at the beginning of one of his television shows ]
Vincent Price: [ rolls his eyes at the slowness in Hitchcock’s gait ] Take your time, buddy, you know, there’s no rush!
[ move closer on Price, as the houselights dim and the lightning flashes outside ]
You have just adjourned into the very cortex of evil incarbate. You may now return to the drudgery that is your present existence. But, wait, you forgot something – your soul! [ lets out a nefarious, echoed laugh as the camera zooms out ]
Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Thanksgiving Special.” Thanks for watching.
Air Date:
Summary: To celebrate the re-lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center, a holiday choir sings religiously-neutral carols that won’t run the risk of offending viewers who don’t celebrate Christmas.
Summary: Dane Cook performs stand-up on a variety of topics that includes photography and bouncing cashews off his penis.
Summary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.
Summary: Feeling somber over his gaffes during the Giants game, Jay Feely (Dane Cook) nearly gets a chance to redeem himself on the ride home when the airplane pilot (Chris Parnell) suddenly takes ill.
Summary: Keith (Dane Cook) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.
Summary: Target employee (Kristin Wiig) and her trainee (Dane Cook) carry on unsettling behavior in front of customers.
Summary: Rachel Dratch plays a film of her recent experiences wandering through the city in fat padding. Michael Irvin (Kenan Thompson) comments on his recent drug arrest.
Summary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.
