SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

The Needlers

DJ…..Andy Samberg
Male Classmate…..Kristin Wiig
Female Classmate…..Jason Sudeikis
Jerry…..Will Forte
Sally Needler…..Amy Poehler
Dan Needler…..Seth Meyers
Claire Rubino…..Eva Longoria

[open on exterior of Mariott hotel]

[zoom in and fade to interior]

DJ: Hofstra University, class of ’95, hope you’re enjoying your reunion. Y’all remember this classic?

[“This is How We Do It” plays]

Female Classmate: Hey, you guys, I just ran into Brian Stanfield. Do you know that he has three kids?

Male Classmate: That goofball?

Jerry: Hey, what ever happened to Dan Needler and that girlfriend of his?

Female Classmate: Sally Henson? I heard they got married.

Male Classmate: Really? I have never seen a couple fight so much.

Female Classmate: Yeah, that was college. I mean, we’ve all grown up since then.

[Sally and Dan enter]

Sally Needler: No, Dan, you’re wrong. We met on the library steps!

Dan Needler: No, we sat next to each other in the dining hall.

Sally Needler: I wouldn’t be with you if you were eating when we met. You eat like an animal!

Dan Needler: Oh, don’t be silly! An animal wouldn’t eat your cooking.

Sally Needler: Son of a bi–

[slapstick jingle plays with still photo montage]

Singers: [singing voice over] They yell and scream and fight a lot and then they fight some more. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding] They curse and cuss and cause a fuss and make up on the floor. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation] The Needlers. [with title: “The Needlers”] The Couple That Should Be Divorced” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas, and title repeated]

Man: [voice over] The Needlers.

[dissolve to reception]

Dan Needler: Hey, everybody!

Sally Needler: Hey, you guys.

Female Classmate: So, you guys got married! Congratulations!

Dan Needler: Yeah, we would have invited you guys, but somebody had fifty cousins we haven’t seen since the wedding.

Sally Needler: Will you please stop referring to me as “somebody?”

Dan Needler: As soon as you stop treating me like a nobody.

Sally Needler: Ugh. Earn it.

Male Classmate: Um, uh, hey! You look great, Sally!

Sally Needler: Thank you. It’s so nice to hear that. [to Dan] What a simple thing to say to somebody to make them feel good.

Dan Needler: It’s amazing the reaction you get when you’re not wearing sweat pants.

Sally Needler: Well, tonight’s a special occasion.

Dan Needler: “Special occasion” is Sally talk for “open bar.”

Claire: Hey, guys!

Jerry: Oh, my goodness, Claire Rubino?!

Claire: Oh, my God, everybody looks so great! [gasps] Is that Dan Needler?!

Dan Needler: Yeah.

Claire: Oh, Sally, don’t tell me you landed that catch!

Sally Needler: Well, I didn’t land him so much as he beached himself on my couch.

Dan Needler: Your couch? What did you pay for your couch with? Did you get the “watching Oprah” job?

Claire: Dan and I dated for about five minutes in college.

Dan Needler: Five minutes? It was a month and two days.

Sally Needler: Oh, you remember that.

Dan Needler: I have a good memory.

Sally Needler: When’s our anniversary?

Dan Needler: The spring.

Jerry: I thought you two dated all through college.

Dan Needler: No, it was that time we broke up.

Female Classmate: Oh, the time you broke up over the Scrabble game?

Sally Needler: No.

Male Classmate: Oh, was it the fight you had over daylight savings time?

Dan Needler: No.

Claire: Was it the time you threw her a surprise birthday party, but she was so surprised she peed her pants, and then you laughed, and she claimed you’d done it all on purpose, so she tipped over the drink table and the party was canceled?

Dan Needler: Yeah!

Sally Needler: That was exactly it! Oh, college, such memories!

Dan Needler: Such good memories.

Claire: So, are you still doing your painting, Dan?

Dan Needler: No, Sally didn’t really support that.

Sally Needler: Yeah. Sally didn’t want to live on the side of the highway.

Dan Needler: I loved painting.

Sally Needler: Then paint the bathroom!

Dan Needler: So, Claire, what do you do?

Claire: Oh, I’m a marriage counselor.

Female Classmate: Oh!

Male Classmate: You guys should catch up, the three of you.

[classmates step away in various directions]

Claire: So, um, have you two ever thought about marriage counseling?

Sally and Dan Needler: [speaking over one another] No! What, no, us? What, no. Why would we do that? That’s crazy.

Sally Needler: What would be even do in counseling?

Claire: Well, for instance, you could do role playing. Like, Dan, why don’t you pretend to be Sally? [Dan nods and turns to walk away] Wait, Dan, Dan, where are you going?

Dan Needler: Oh, I thought I was Sally, so I was headed to the bar to embarass myself.

Claire: That’s not helpful, Dan.

Sally Needler: [with an exaggerated dumb “Dan” face and monkeyish mannerisms] Don’t tell me what’s helpful! I’m Dan Needler! I got a way of doing things that took me straight to the middle!

Dan Needler: For the record, I don’t sound like that.

Sally Needler: [as “Dan”] For the record, I don’t sound like that!

Dan Needler: Could I talk to you for a second?!

Sally Needler: Absolutely!

Dan Needler: Follow me!

[Dan storms out, Sally following behind, with Dan knocking aside a bunch of ballons that buffet Sally]

Jerry: So, do you think you can help them?

Claire: Oh, no, no. That couple is beyond help.

Male Classmate: Hey, the Needlers are having sex in the coat room.

Claire: Oh! My coat is in there!

Male Classmate: Uh, what kind of coat is it?

Claire: It’s the white, with the fur collar.

Male Classmate: Yeah, you’re not going to want that back.

Sally Needler: Oh, okay, all better.

Dan Needler: Oh, we have to go. But, Claire [points at her], would you have any interest in having a three-way with us?

Claire: No! absolutely not!

Sally Needler: Jerry? [gestures at him]

Jerry: I guess so.

Sally Needler: Come on! [makes a “come along” gesture to Jerry]

Dan Needler: [claps] All right, well, let’s go, Jerry!

[they exit as Claire shrugs at male classmate]

[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “The Couple That Should Be Divorced”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Eva Longoria’s Monologue

…..Eva Longoria
…..Chris Parnell
…..Horatio Sanz
Voice of Mary Alice…..Kristin Wiig
Voice of Don Pardo…..Darrell Hammond

Eva Longoria: Thank you! Thank you, thank you so much! I’m so excited! I’m so excited and nervous to be here, mainly because all of you mainly because all of you know me as a man-eating super vixen who seduces teenaged gardeners. But I’m also on “Desperate Housewives.” [ looks offscreen ] Uh.. excuse me, Chris, what are you doing over there?

[ cut to a shirtless Chris Parnell trimming a hedge ]

Chris Parnell: Hey, Eva. [ stretches ] I, uh, finished trimming the hedges? Is there anything else you need me to do?

Eva Longoria: No, I-I’m fine, Chris, thanks.

Chris Parnell: Alright. No problem.

Eva Longoria: You know, I am so lucky to be on “Desperate Housewives”. It is so nice to finally play a non-stereotypical Latino role. [ Howario Sanz sneaks up behind her in a sombrero and a fake mosutache, then quickly ducks away ] I mean, you have no idea how proud Latinos are everywhere. [ Horatio eases back on stage, sans sombrero but still wearing the fake mosutache ] Hey, Horatio! How are you doing?

Horaio Sanz: [ pulls the fake moustache away ] Hey, hey! How are you doing?

Eva Longoria: What are you doing here?

Horaio Sanz: Uh.. not playing a gardener! Bye! [ darts off ]

Eva Longoria: Okay! Anyway, where was I?

Voice of Mary Alice: As Eva stood on stage, she wondered why was she hosting, and not me, Mary Alice, the dead narrator.

Eva Longoria: Okay, wait, wait, wait. Mary Alice, what are you talking about?

Voice of Mary Alice: I’m the glue that holds “Desperate Housewives” together. And, yet, I’ve never beeen invited to a movie premiere. I wasn’t in Maxim’s Hot 100.

Eva Longoria: Well, that’s because you’re a disembodied voice.

Voice of Mary Alice: Tell me about it. You get to go out with a handsome basketball player – who gets to go out with a disembodied voice?

Eva Longoria: Well, um.. you know what? It’s a good thing you’re here tonight. Mary Alice, I’d like you to meet Don Pardo.

Voice of Don Pardo: Hello, Mary Alice! I’m gonna rock your world!

Voice of Mary Alice: Oh, Don!

Eva Longoria: Ah, we’ve got a great show. Korn is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Goodnights

…..Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria: Thanks to Korn! Thank you to the cast and the crew of “SNL” for making my dreams come true. And to my Honey Bunny: “Good night, I love you!” And good night, New York!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Firmium

…..Seth Meyers
…..Eva Longoria
…..Rachel Dratch

[open on backstage location with lighting fixtures and sandbags, and Eva Longoria reading a script]

Seth Meyers: [entering stage right] Hey, great job tonight, Eva.

Eva Longoria: Oh, thanks, Seth.

[Seth exits stage left]

Eva Longoria: You know, whether I’m on the set of “Desperate Housewives,” the red carpet, or just out with friends, I can never afford distractions. That’s why I, Eva Longoria, choose Firmium [a bottle is handed to her from offscreen], the best diarrhea medicine on the market. [gentle music plays] Because the last thing I want to be thinking about when I’m in the middle of a love scene is whether or not I’ve got the brown drizzlies. Trust me, it’s hard to be glamorous when you’re about to launch a butt submarine. You know, for most of the first season of “Housewives,” I was a regular human espresso machine. That was before I discovered Firmium [holds up bottle], the number one way to make sure that when the time comes, you won’t be cranking out bowls of chocolate soft-serve. I know what you’re thinking: “Eva, I’ve tried everything out there, and I have yet to find a product that can prevent the release of my fudgy hostages.” To you I say, “Try Firmium.” And if you still feel like you’re about to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, I, Eva Longoria, will personally refund your money.

Rachel Dratch: Hey, good luck in the next scene, Eva.

Eva Longoria: Oh, Rachel, it’s not luck. It’s this medicine that keeps me from pooping! [holds up the bottle and poses seductively while Rachel appears confused] Thanks, Firmium.

[dissovle to product title screen: “Firmium,” “The best diarrhea medicine on the market,” “Extra Strength,” “Fast, Safe Relief,” “500 tablets, 325 mg”]

Announcer: [voice over] Firmium, the medicine that keeps you from pooping.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

The Englehart Five

Helga Englehart…..Eva Longoria
Yorgen…..Seth Meyers
Fritz…..Bill HaderRolf…..Fred Armisen
Klaus…..Will Forte

[open on CD cover: “Wir Sind Glücklich! The Englehart Five,” with Helga surrounded by Fritz, Yorgen, Rolf, and Klaus holding musical instruments]

[dissolve to CD cover: “Achtung Fun,” with Helga, Rolf, Fritz, Yorgen, and Klaus all holding steins]

[all speech and singing is with heavy German accents]

Announcer: [voice over] Gather round, gather round! [dissolve to photo of Helga, Rolf, Klaus, Yorgen, and Fritz with their hands on each others’ shoulders] It’s Deutschland’s favorite singalong bad, the Englehart Five! [dissolve to CD cover: “Musik Musik Musik,” with Helga in a dirndl, Fritz, Rolf, Yorgen, and Klaus all pointing at a singing cartoon baby bluebird in a nest] For years, you’ve listened to their music, and now [dissolve to a photo of Helga’s face surrounded by her brothers’ in close up], after a two year hiatus, they are back with a new album, “Helga Englehart and Her Three Living Brothers.” [dissolve to CD cover: “Helga Englehart and Her Three Living Brothers,” featuring a photo of Helga with Fritz, Yorgen, and Rolf, and an empty silhouette between Fritz and Yorgen] With songs for the whole family, like “All Good Children Like Chocolate.”

[dissolve to woodlands scene with Helga, Fritz, Yorgen, and Rolf, and title: “All Good Children Like Chocolate”]

Engleharts: [singing] Some of the children, they like swimming. Some of the children, they like games. And all good children like chocolate. [whistling in tune]

Announcer: [voice over] It’s an album of great new hits. [dissolve to CD cover superimposed over Neuschwanstein Castle] Including the holiday song, “The Whole Family Is Here.”

[dissolve to interior of a hunting lodge with Fritz, Helga, Rolf, and Yorgen, and title: “The Whole Family Is Here”]

Engleharts: [singing] The whole family is here. We see each other once a year. But now there’s an empty chair at the table. [clapping in tune]

[dissolve to pastoral scene]

Announcer: [voice over] You’ll get that and more: [with scrolling titles] “Oktoberfest,” “Walking With My Sweetheart,” “Mother’s Flute,” “Our Dead Brother Klaus,” “Sing, Sparrow, Sing,” “A Terrible Phone Call About Klaus,” “Winter’s Delight,” “Pocket Full of Candies,” and “Hunting Accident.”

[dissolve to field with mountain backdrop with Fritz, Rolf, Yorgen, and Helga, with title: “Hunting Accident”]

Engleharts: [singing] Rolf and Klaus went hunting. They went looking for some deer. Rolf took aim and shot, and now Klaus is dead.

[dissolve to German village]

Announcer: [voice over] They’re all here! [with scrolling titles] “Cuckoo Clock,” “Why Would a Deer Be Wearing an Orange Hunting Jacket?,” “Smile With Me,” “Two Sets of Footprints Up The Mountain, One Set Down,” “Why Did You Wait Two Days to Call the Polizei?,” “Hey Rolf, Maybe Wear Your Glasses Next Time You Go Hunting With a Brother,” “Lonely Microphone,” and the Englehart Five classic hit, “Hey-Hey, The Gang’s All Here!”

[dissolve to stone balcony overlooking mountains with Helga holding a tambourine, Fritz holding a guitar, Yorgen, and Rolf holding a guitar, with title: “Hey, Hey, The Gang’s All Here!”]

Helga: Hey Yorgen!

Yorgen: Ja!

Helga: Hey Fritz!

Fritz: Ja!

Helga: Hey Rolf!

Rolf: Ja!

Helga: Hey Klaus!

[shot of a stool with an accordion sitting on it]

Engleharts: [singing] Looks like the gang is all here!

[dissolve to German village]

Announcer: [voice over] Purchase now, and enjoy both the previous and the following songs: [with scrolling titles] “Grandpapa’s Pipe,” “Rolf’s False Alibi,” “Too Soon to be Dating Klaus’ Widow,” “A Neighbor Heard You Arguing,” “Why Can’t You Look Me in the Eyes and Tell Me It Was An Accident?,” and “Strudel Party.” [with CD cover] “Helga Englehart and Her Three Living Brothers.”

[dissolve to CD cover superimposed over a meadow, with title: “20 EUROS” and “Virgin Uber Store” logo]

Different Announcer: [voice over] Available for 20 Euros at the Virgin Uber Store. All proceeds go to the Rolf Englehart Defense Fund.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Deep House Dish

DJ Dynasty Handbag…..Kenan Thompson
Tiara Zeeee…..Rachel Dratch
Tres Latraj…..Amy Poehler
Ms. Drama Martinez…..Eva Longoria
DJ Frontal Assault…..Bill Hader
DJ Dimitrios…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: You’re watching MTV 4, the alternative to the alternative. Next up, “Deep House Dish”.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Wooo! Welcome to “Deep House Dish”, the only show devoted entirely to hip-hop and house music, and dishing out the latest house music stars for you to eat up. Yummy… YUMMY! I am DJ Dynasty Handbag and this is my co-host, Tiara Zee. Tiara’s going to give us a review of Madonna’s new dance mix. Hey Tiara.

Tiara Zee: Hey…

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tiara tell me, what did you think of Madge’s new moves?

Tiara Zee: Um… it’s okay.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: That’s it? That’s your review? Tiara, why are you so dull? I mean you need to work on that okay.

Tiara Zee: Okay.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Okay. First up on Deep House Dish is a new comer to the club scene. Please welcome Tres Latraj.

[tag: Tres Latraj- “I Killed Couture”]

Tres Latraj: [ singing ]
“I killed couture
In vinyl boots and plastic pants
I killed couture
Eating camembert outside of Paris, France
Bonjour couture.
I kill you you you you you you you you you you you.”

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ohh Wee! Somebody just dropped some house on us! Now tell me, what’s next for Tres La?

Tres Latraj: Um, Dannii Minogue and I are DJ-ing for Ian McKellen’s 70th birthday party so I don’t need to be here.

(Tres Latraj walks off)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Uh! Oh, oh! That was rude the way she just jumped up and ran out of here, right?

Tiara Zee: That was.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tiara, please be less boring very soon, okay? I mean it’s not good for your health, all right? All right. Next up is someone who has defined dance music as we know it. Please put your hands together in a clapping motion for Ms. Drama Martinez!

[tag: Ms. Drama Martinez- “At the Club”]

Ms. Drama Martinez: [ singing ]
“Monday night, I was at the club
Tuesday night, I was at the club
Wednesday, had lower back pain, but Wednesday night, I was the club
Thursday, ate a bad fish sandwich, but Thursday night, I was the club
Friday, had lead poisoning, but Friday night, I was at the club
Saturday, had a root canal, but Saturday night, I was at the club
Sunday, another bad fish sandwich, but Sunday night, I was at the club.”

(Back Track: Ain’t nothin’ gonna keep me from my cluuuuub!)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Wooo! Ain’t nothin’ gonna keep me from cluuuuub! Drama Martinez! Girl, where did you come up with those lyrics?

Ms. Drama Martinez: Those are not just lyrics, those things are things that really happened to me, they’re real.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You mean to tell me that you ate two bad fish sandwiches, had a root canal and lead poisoning all in one week?

Ms. Drama Martinez: Actually, I had a third fish sandwich, but I didn’t mention that one because I thought people would think I was a moron!

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well, you must love fish sandwiches.

Tiara Zee: I can’t have fish.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ohh Wee! Tiara, I am telling you as a friend, make sure when you move your lips, something interesting comes out, or else people is going to think there’s something wrong with your brain, okay? Moving on. Out next performers are very big on the club scene in Ibiza, Mallorca, Mykonos, the Maldives, and the Canary Islands. Give it up for DJ Frontal Assault and DJ Dimitrios.

[tag: DJ Frontal Assault and DJ Dimitrios- “Urgent Needs (Jake Gyllenhaal)”]

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: No surpriiiiiiise.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: In button flies.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: I wanna make you chicken.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: Shake or bake or finger linkin’.

Together: Call us on our cell phone….

DJ Dimitrios: 917-555-0155.

DJ Frontal Assault: 971-555-0155.

Together: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Jake Gyllenhaal… Jake Gyllenhaal! Oh my goodness! I think someone just added a floor to room to house music. Now what is the name of that song again?

DJ Dimitrios: It’s called “Urgent Need.”

DJ Frontal Assault: Parenthesis “Jake Gyllenhaal.”

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You know, I’m going to immediately download that onto my iProd.

Tiara Zee: You guys really brought it.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OHH WEE TIARA! YOU ARE TEDIOUS! We need to get out of here. For me, DJ Dynasty Handbag and Tiara Zee, this has been Deep House Dish. We will see you at the club!

[fade]

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Trapped in the Closet Two

R. Kelly as “Sylvester”…..Finesse Mitchell
Gwendolyn…..Eva Longoria
Gurgon…..Kenan Thompson

[open on Chicago skyline with title: “R. Kelly”]

Announcer: [voice over] R. Kelly’s hip-hopera, “Trapped in the Closet” [title: “Trapped in the Closet”] redefined what drama is. Now there’s “Trapped in the Closet Two: Still Trapped in the Closet.” [additional title: “Two”], chapters fourteen through twenty eight. [shot zooms out]

[dissolve to R. Kelly in the closet, holding a gun]

[music starts]

[title: “Chapter 14: ‘Still Trapped'”]

Sylvester: [singing] Still trapped in the closet. I been trapped here for six weeks. I just ate a silica packet [holds up a silica packet], ’cause I’m so damn hungry. But I’m gonna stay stuck in this closet, because people keep buying this record, no matter how dumb it gets. But here comes the cliffhanger! Inside this closet is another smaller closet. [shot pans to reveal the smaller closet] I think I see eyes staring back at me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me!

[dissolve to DVD cover with a shirtless R. Kelly with angel wings and holding crossed guns and with titles: “R. Kelly,” “Trapped in the Closet Two: Trill Trapped in the Closet, Chapters 14-28.”]

Announcer: [voice over] And it don’t stop. Check out a scene from Chapter 18: “The Reckoning.”

[dissolve to split screen with R. Kelly and Gwendolyn, who is wearing a leopard print night gown and holding a gun and a baby, with title: “Chapter 18: ‘The Reckoning'”]

Sylvester: [singing] My cell phone ring; it was Gwendolyn on my phone.

Gwendolyn: [singing] You better get your ass on home, ’cause I’m having a personal crisis.

Sylvester: [singing] Wait, wait, you’re breaking up on me.

Gwendolyn: [singing] Well, I just switched cell phone providers.

Sylvester: [singing] Well, who did you go with?

Gwendolyn: [singing] I went with Verizon.

Sylvester: [singing] Oh, because T-Mobile works much better in this area.

Gwendolyn: [singing] But I just signed a two year contract.

Sylvester: [singing] Bitch, are you crazy?

Gwendolyn: [singing] I couldn’t help it; the salesman was so nice.

Sylvester: [singing] Who was the salesman?

Gwendolyn: [singing] The father of this baby, baby, baby, baby, baby… [R. Kelly looks at the cellphone and away, in time with the repetition]

[dissolve to DVD cover]

Announcer: [voice over] And just when you thought it couldn’t go no deeper, R. brings you Chapter 26: “Contact.”

[dissolve to bedroom with R. Kelly still holding gun and Gwendolyn still holding gun and baby and with title: “Chapter 26: ‘Contact'”]

Sylvester: [singing] Oh, no, baby, tell me I’m not seeing this. You cheating me in my house you cheating me in my own bed.

Gwendolyn: [singing] I still love you baby. Just let me explain. He gives me something you can’t. His name is Gurgon and he ain’t from this planet!

Sylvester: What?!

[Gurgon enters, with purple cranium and antennae]

Gurgon: [singing] Babe, you got to make a choice. Is it going to be him or flying across the Milky Way with me.

Sylvester: [singing] Oh, you better quit talking that way before I blow off your antenna. [cocks gun]

Gurgon: [singing] Before you pull that trigger, I got to get this off my alien chest. I’m in love with your woman, ’cause she gives me sweet Earth booteeeee! Yeah! Bleep! Blorp! Glorp! Bleep! Blop!

Gwendolyn: [singing] Wait, before you blow him away, there’s another cliffhanger. Listen up to Gurgon.

Gurgon: [singing] Boy, I am your father.

Sylvester: [singing] What?

Gurgon: [singing] Father.

Sylvester: [singing] What?

Gurgon: [singing] Father.

Sylvester: [singing] What?

Gurgon: [singing] Father.

Sylvester: [singing] What?

Gurgon: [singing] Father.

[dissolve to DVD cover]

Announcer: [voice over] Trapped in the Closet Two: Still Trapped in the Closet includes bonus chapters twenty nine through forty two. Let it change you.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 19th, 2005

Eva Longoria

Korn

None

None
Fox News Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) is relunctant to answer questions about the war in Iraq while visiting China.

Recurring Characters: Brit Hume, President George W. Bush, Wolf Blitzer, Terry Moran.

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Eva Longoria’s MonologueSummary: Eva Longoria introduces the disembodied voice of Mary Alice (Kristin Wiig) to Don Pardo (Darrell Hammond).

Bio: Eva Longoria (1975-). Mexican-American actress; former Miss Corpus Christi; stars on ABC’s “Desperate Housewives”.

Transcript

Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s!

Note: Repeat from 10/29/05.

The SpammiesSummary: Awards are distributed for the year’s best junk e-mail.

Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) mocks the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee.

Transcript

Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Note: Repeat from 10/01/05.

The NeedlersSummary: The argumentive behavior of Sally (Amy Poehler) and Dan Needler (Seth Meyers) continues at their college reunion, where they run into a former minor flame (Eva Longoria) of Dan’s who’s now a marriage counselor.

Recurring Characters: Sally Needler, Dan Needler.

Transcript

Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording from 1958 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Thanksgiving special with guests Clark Gable (Darrell Hammond), Alfred Hitchcock (Horatio Sanz), a drunken Judy Garland (Kristin Wiig) and Ricky Ricardo (Fred Armisen) and Lucille Ball (Eva Longoria).

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Clark Gable, Alfred Hitchcock, Judy Garland, Ricky Ricardo, Lucille Ball.

Note: The house lights dim prematurely as Judy Garland (Kristin Wiig) clutches the portrait of George Washington.

Transcript

Korn performs “Twisted Transistor”Bio: Alternative metal group, often credited with the onset of the nu metal genre that began to take shape in the mid 1990s; members: Jonathan Houseman “HIV” Davis (vocals, bagpipes), Reginald Quincy “Fieldy” Arvizu (bass), David Randall Silveria (drums, percussion), and James Christian “Munky” Shaffer (guitar, backing vocals).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Ohio Republican Jean Schmidt (Rachel Dratch) is booed out of the House of Representatives for making scandalous remarks. Apple’s Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces smaller and smaller I-Pods that hold more and more songs as they shrink.

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What Really Happened at the Vanity Fair Photo ShootSummary: Chaos and high demands rule, as “Desperate Housewives” stars Teri Hatcher (Eva Longoria), Marcia Cross (Amy Poehler), Eva Longoria (Rachel Dratch), Felicity Huffman (Kristin Wiig), and Nicolette Sheridan (Seth Meyers) gather poolside for the Vanity Fair photo shoot.

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Trapped in the Closet TwoSummary: R. Kelly’s (Finsesse Mitchell) reality show is spoofed with extended installments.

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The Englehart FiveSummary: The majority of the German family quartet’s songs focus on the negligent homicide of their fifth sibling, Klaus.

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Korn performs “Freak on a Leash”

FirmiumSummary: Eva Longoria promotes the pill she uses to prevent embarrassing diarrhea while taping “Desperate Housewives.”

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GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Doctor’s VisitSummary: A doctor (Seth Meyers) warns Shakira (Eva Longoria) that her butt is in danger of falling off if she continues to shake it.

Fight Back with Victor RamosSummary: Victor Ramos (Horatio Sanz) shows Chicago Transit Authority employee (Amy Poehler) the proper way to fight terrorism.

Note: This sketch will finally air on the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

Stuart Little Mouse Removal KitSummary: Modeled after the movie, homeowners can get rid of unwanted mice by leaving cheese, tracks and an exploding race car aimed out the front door.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Jack Black.

The PianoSummary: After purchasing a new piano, a woman (Eva Longoria) must contend with two lazy movers (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell) at the music store.

Blind DateSummary: A man (Will Forte) is unable to maintain the lie if his identity while on a blind date with n attractive woman (Eva Longoria).

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Two men (Andy Samberg, Will Forte) discuss the former’s problems over a head of lettuce, courtesy of the United Lettuce Growers Association.

Note: This short film will later appear on the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

The Soaking Wet Killer

Bernadette…..Kristin Wiig
Greg…..Jason Sudeikis
Soaking Wet Killer…..Jason Lee

[ open on car driving down a dark road at night ]

[ dissolve to interior, Bernadette and Greg playing I-Spy as they drive ]

Greg: Oh, I don’t know, I give up. What is it?

Bernadette: It was the antenna.

Greg: [ laughing ] You got me again, Hon, you got me. All right. It’s my turn, it’s my turn. I spy with my little eyes.. something.. round.

Bernadette: The steering wheel?

Greg: Oh, yes! You got it. Again. What is the score?

Bernadette: 29 to 0.

Greg: Oh, you are killing me.

Bernadette: See If Rick Dees is on. I kind of want to boogie.

[ Greg turns the radio on ]

Radio Announcer: News Alert: convicted murderer John Quincy Leonard, AKA “The Soaking Wet Killer,” has escaped from Leavenworth Penitentary. I repeat, the Soaking Wet Killer has escaped.

Bernadette: What is the world coming to?

Greg: I don’t know.

Bernadette: [ pointing ] Oh, look, Greggy, a hitchhiker.

Greg: Oh, should we pick him up? [ stops the car ]

Bernadette: Oh, look at him, he’s soaking wet.

[ the Soaking Wet Killer enters the back seat of the car, looking wet and unpleasant, though Bernadette and Greg don’t recognize him as such ]

Soaking Wet Killer: Hi.

Greg: Hey.

Soaking Wet Killer: Thanks for stopping. Broke down.

Greg: Oh, okay.

Bernadette: Look at you, you’re soaking wet.

Greg: Honey.

Bernadette: Well —

Greg: Car trouble, huh? Is that the deal? Do you need me to give you a jump? I got these amazing cables from this little lady last June as a gift.

Bernadette: I get him a gift for Father’s Day since I can’t have children.

Greg: Well, Honey, we can’t have children.

[ they hold hands and stare into one another’s eyes ]

Bernadette: I love you.

Greg: I love you. [ turns to face the Soaking Wet Killer ] So, where’s your car?

Soaking Wet Killer: [ stutters nervously ] I-I was at a gas station. I overfilled the tires, and the car floated away.

Greg: Oh, isn’t that the worst?

Soaking Wet Killer: Yeah, can we just drive now?

Greg: Sure. [ resumes driving ]

Bernadette: Would you look at my manners? Would you like to change into some dry clothes? Greg, do you mind?

Greg: No, not a bit. No, there’s some clothes back there in the big suitcase.

Bernadette: Oh, not the small one, though. That one’s filled with cash.

Greg: Yeah, but not the real small one, either. That’s my gun.

[ the Soaking Wet Killer grabs a sweat suit and covers himself with it ]

Bernadette: I hate that he has it and I like that he has it.

Greg: Oh, Honey!

Soaking Wet Killer: Thanks. I’m gonna need a little privacy. Do you mind not peeking back here?

Greg: Oh, sure, no, of course. Help yourself.

[ they keep their eyes locked straight ahead, as the Soaking Wet Killer grabs a wad of their mnoey and stuffs it into the sweat suit ]

Bernadette: Do you have somewhere to stay tonight? I’m worried.

Soaking Wet Killer: Yeah, I’m going to try to stay with a girlfriend.

Greg: Oh, good for you. Damn it. Hey, uf that doesn’t work out, you’re more than welcome to stay with us.

Bernadette: You know, why don’t I give you our home address?

Greg: That’s a great idea, Bernadette. Hey, but don’t bother coming by after Friday. We’re gonna be out of Town for four months.

Bernadette: Here you go. Would you mind dropping that sweat suit off at our house?

Greg: Yeah, we’d give you a key but we don’t lock our doors.

Bernadette: Don’t tell anyone.

Greg: Wait, Honey, we should warn him about Nick, who’s gonna be house-sitting.

Soaking Wet Killer: Some dude’s gonna be there?

Bernadette: Oh, no, Nick is short for Nicole. She’s our 19-year-old niece.

Greg: Uh-huh, yep. Such a sweet girl.

Bernadette: A little wild.

Greg: And easily misled.

Bernadette: You know, there’s a picture of her back there in that “Maxim” Magazine.

Soaking Wet Killer: [ looks at the magazine lying in the back seat ] She’s something.

Greg: Oh, she sure is. She’s an inspiration. She’s blind.

Bernadette: She’s a blind model. And she’ll be staying at our house.

Greg: While we’re out of the country, for a third of the year.

Soaking Wet Killer: You know what? You can just drop me off up here. I’m all set.

Greg: All right. [ stops the car ]

Soaking Wet Killer: Hey, I just wanted to say, you guys are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Bernadette: You’re sweet.

Greg: You are too nice. Seriously, I feel the same way.

Soaking Wet Killer: [ yelling ] Just shut up and listen! You guys have honestly changed the course of my life, and I’ll never forget you.

Bernadette: Oh, I feel like this is good-bye.

Soaking Wet Killer: Ah, trust me. It’s not. [ steps out of the car ]

Greg: Oh, okay. All right. See you later. [ notices the Soaking Wet Killer carrying a gun ] Hey, look at that, I got the same gun! Small world! [ resumes driving again ]

Bernadette: What a sweet, sweet man.

Greg: He really was. You know, I liked his moustache.

Bernadette: So, is Nicole’s boyfriend going to be staying with her?

Greg: Mmm, yeah, yeah. He just got suspended from his pro-wrestling job for steroid use, so he’s really wound up.

Bernadette: That’s too bad. At least they can spend some time together.

Greg: Mmm-hmm, yeah. So, is she going to bring her pit bulls with her?

Bernadette: Uh-huh, yeah, all seven.

Greg: Oh, good, good.

Bernadette: [ points out window ] Oh! Punch bug! [ punches Greg’s arm ]

Greg: Oh, Honey.

Bernadette: Well.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

American Taser

Representative #1…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer…..Jason Sudeikis
Representative #2…..Darrell Hammond
Representative #3…..Seth Meyers
Female Consumer…..Amy Poehler
Housewife…..Rachel Dratch
Husband…..Will Forte
Black Man #1…..Kenan Thompson
Striker…..Bill Hader
Black Man #2…..Finesse Mitchell
Nerd…..Andy Samberg
American Taser President…..Jason Lee

[ open on American Taser representative standing in front of an American Taser banner ]

Representative #1: We live in an uncertain and dangerous world. Protecting yourself is priority number one. That’s why we at American Taser have invented the Advanced Stunner X-47. Light-weight, but with enough electrical force to stop attackers in their tracks. Previously only available to law enforcement professionals, the X-47 can now be bought directly from American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Representative #1’s chestplate. He drops to the ground as the culprit, a police officer, steps into frame. ]

Police Officer: Nice try. But your safety is no joke. Hello, I’m Officer Kenny Banks of the Galveston Police Department. The X-47 stun gun from American Taser is not available to the public, despite what that man just said. By law, this model can only be operated by trained professionals.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Police Officer’s arm. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Representative #2, steps into frame. ]

Representative #2: That’s why we over here at American Taser now offer up this model, the Thunderbolt – all the same power as the X-47, but completely legal to the public.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Representative #2’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Representative #3, steps into frame. ]

Representative #3: Sure, it’s legal, but do you really need all that power? What If you just need a few volts to knock a problem on its ass? And by “problem,” I mean “lady”; and by “ass,” I mean “ass.” The Electric Prowler 400 from American Taser gives new meaning to the words “Amorous Conquest.” I think you know what I’m talking about.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Representative #3’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, a female consumer, steps into frame. ]

Female Consumer: What he’s talking about is sexual assault. American Taser recognizes the problem women face in today’s world, and that’s why there’s the Pink Pulse. Just because I run my own business, it doesn’t mean I’m immune to attackers.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Female Consumer’s arm ]

Female Consumer: [ as she runs off screen to stage right, stunned ] Whhhyy??!

[ The culprit, a housewife, steps into frame. ]

Housewife: What was that “I own my own business” line? Some people drive me nuts. Gosh, it’s great to know I can take them down if I need to. Thanks, American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against the side of housewife’s stomach. She drops to the ground as the culprit, her husband, steps into frame. ]

Husband: My wife. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just get her to shut up? Now I can. The Domesticator from American Taser. She’ll think twice before she opens her stupid pie hole.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against the husband’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Black Man #1, steps into frame. ]

Black Man #1: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. Well, good thing I have the new Quick Zap from American Taser – with three settings, including a safety trigger release, it’s simply the safest stun gun on the market.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Black Man #1’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, the Striker, steps into frame. ]

Striker: Is that man a criminal? We-e-e-ell, he sure looked like one. But how would you know? When you have to make split-second decisions that could mean the difference between life or death, you need the Pre-emptive Striker from American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against the Striker’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Black Man #2, steps into frame. ]

Black Man #2: It’s unfortunate, but racial profiling is a very real factor in our society. If you’re a black man in today’s world, the best defense is a good offense. That’s why I never leave home without my —

[ a nerd jumps in from stage right and zaps a taser shaded like the Enterprise against Black Man #2’s shoulder ]

Black Man #2: [ as he drops to the ground ] Aaahhh! Mama!

Nerd: [ with a lisp ] Set phaser to “Stun”! Super cool “Star Trek” model stun gun lets you be the coolest guy in town! Thanks, American Taser.

[ American Taser President ambles in from stage left and zaps his taser against the Nerd’s shoulder, who promptly screams and drops to the ground ]

American Taser President: No, thank you, loyal customers. For 15 years, we at American Taser have led the way in electronic protection. With twelve different models to choose from, you’re sure to find a favorite that fits your style perfectly. My own favorite – you guessed it – the Boomerang 8000.

[ he points the taser against his stomach, zaps the volts into his body, and drops to the ground ]

[ cut to American Taser graphic ]

Announcer: For all your taser needs, American Taser. Don’t let them get the drop on you. [ electric shock sound effect ] All right, that’s not cool.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts