A Message From the Vice-President of the United States
Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond Firefighter…..Fred Armisen
[ open on Vice-Presidential logo ]
Announcer: And now, a message from the Vice-President of the United States – Dick Cheney.
[ dissolve to Dick Cheney seated at his desk, a jack-o-lantern resting to his right ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: I would, uh – I’d like to use this opportunity to address some of the questions surrounding the recent indictment of my top aide, Lewis “Scooter” Libby. Scooter was under investigation for violating the Intelligence Identities Protection Act, and, of course, as you all know by now, he was found to be completely innocent. The special prosecutor, however, did charge Scooter with a few lies here and there. But, come on – a guy named Scooter might stretch the truth just a little bit, right? I mean, to call it lies – come on, he’s Scooter! He’s just joshing! We all josh! I like to josh! Members of the Press, they were joshing, too!
But, keep in mind, whatever the charges, none of this reflects in any way on the White House. We are as strong as ever. Critics have turned to the old adage “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” But I can tell you that, in this case, you would be mistaken. I think it would be wrong to conclude that, just because of the Harriet Miers situation, the hurricane mess, the war, and now the indictment, that this administration is in some kind of trouble.
[ a patch of smoke wifts above his desk ]
It couldn’t be further from the truth.
[ wide shot, as Cheney looks toward smoke pouring up from the door jamb ]
Lookie there – I see a little smoke has made its way into this room. I’m just gonna ignore that. I want to make this absolutely clear – this administration is in complete control.
[ sirens begin to rise from offscreen, as more smoke fills the room ]
If I thought there was even a whiff of crisis within these walls, I would be all over it. I don’t miss much. That’s something I pride myself on. I will say this – this is a perfect example of what I was talking about earlier. I mean, there’s a heck of a lot of smoke in here, but I don’t think anyone would jump to the conclusion that somehow a fire was connected with it.
[ two firefighters walk across the screen from Cheney’s left ]
It simply doesn’t add up. Nor does one lone indictment mean anything more than just that. It’s an isolated case. If it were more, then, yes, of course, we would be looking at a real crisis. But I think I can say, with some confidence, there is no crisis.
[ Firefighter steps behind Cheney ]
Firefighter: Sir, you really do need to evacuate now. [ exits area ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Thank you, but I’m sure it’s nothing. Anyway, as you can see, everything is A-OK at the White House. Happy Halloween, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
(Opens with a shot of a house outside, dissolves to the living room where Jim, his wife and Dylan are sitting on the living room sofa)
Dylan: So this lady you’re setting me up with, she’s cool, right?
Jim’s Wife: Oh yeah, yeah.
Dylan: I trust you. But you know I’m really picky.
Jim’s Wife: Oh, I know you’ll love her. We used to be roommates. I mean, I haven’t seen her in a couple of years. She was a lot of fun back then.
Jim: Well, she better be fun, ’cause this guy guy hasn’t had a date in a year.
Dylan: Come on, man.
Jim: Oh, bro’ you know I’m just kidding. We’re here for you.
Dylan: I really appreciate this. I really do.
(doorbells rings)
Jim: There she is.
(Jim’s Wife goes to open the door)
Dylan: I’m nervous, but I really appreciate it.
Jim: Don’t be nervous. You’ll be fine. (pats Dylan in the back)
Jim’s Wife: Carol!
(In comes Carol, overweight with beautiful blond hair and a hot pink blouse)
Carol: Hey! How are you, girlfriend! (picks Jim’s Wife off her feet and swings her wildly from left to right 2 or 3 times before putting her down) Wooooohohoho! Oh, that must be Jim. I heard somuch about you! I’m Carol! (hugs Jim)
Jim’s Wife: Carol, Carol, this is our friend, Dylan.
Carol: Oh la la. You smell like Brut. (They shake hands)
Dylan: You smell nice too, Carol.
Carol: It’s aspercream. I blew my back out in the shower trying to loofah my calves.
(cut to jingle)
Jingle: And then there’s Carol! (Carol turns around with shy smile) And then there’s Carol! (Carol points at herself like saying Who, me?) Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky (Carol dances wildly) Right on, Carol. (Carol poses)
Carol: I’M CAROL!!
(Carol! is up in bright colored letters)
(back to scene)
Jim: Why doesn’t everybody have a sit. All right, Carol, can I get you something to drink? (Dylan makes the OK sign approving of Carol)
Carol: Ummm, do you have Dunkin Donuts coffee coladas, or something?
Jim: Um, ah, no I think you can only get those at Dunkin Donuts. We have coffee, I guess.
Carol: Oh, you know what? I’ll just have a slippery nipple.
Jim: Is that some kind of shot? I doubt we have that.
Dylan: That’s too bad because I would love to wrap my mouth around a slippery nipple.
Carol: Oooohhhhhh! (lusty laugh points at her breasts) You might get these two if you play your cards right.
Jim’s Wife: You’re bad, Carol. You’re bad.
Carol: I’m serious, they are really slippery. I don’t even know why. OK, Oh you know what?
Jim: What?
Carol: How about if I get a Dunkin Donuts fruit colada.
Jim: Yeah, you know that’s.. that’s also only available at Dunkin Donuts, Carol. Hey, how about this? How about I tell you what we do have, and you tell me what you think. I have wine.
Carol: No.
Jim: Or a beer?
Carol: Nope.
Jim: I might have some scotch.
Carol: Oh, you know what? I’ll have a scotch. Can you biggie size that?
Jim: I guess I can put it in a pint glass?
Carol: Fantastic! (pulls Jim by the arm) NO ICE! NO ICE!
Jim: Ow! OK, ok.
Jim’s Wife: Let me give you a hand. (They go into the kitchen, leaving Dylan and Carol alone on the sofa)
Dylan: So, Carol, tell me about yourself.
Carol: Um, I work for Verizon.
Dylan: Oh, that’s cool. The phone company?
Carol: Um huh, yeah I stand out in front of Radio Shack in a cell costume and hand out flyers.
Dylan: Right. The one downtown? I swear I’ve seen you before.
Carol: Oh, it’s a really great job. Great benefits.
Dylan: Great benefits? Like what?
Carol: Well, my cell phone costume. (Whispers) I can be totally naked in there. (naughty laugh, Lance almost breaks character)
Dylan: Carol, you’re a glorious creature. You’re magical. (moves closer to Carol) Tell me more about this costume. Is there room for one more, maybe?
Carol: OHHHHHH!!! (Lusty laugh, Jim and his wife come back to the living room, Jim holds a full glass of scotch)
Jim: All right, Carol, here is your scotch. I was gonna have one, too, but you pretty much finished off the whole bottle.
Jim’s Wife: There you go, Carol.
(Carol takes a big gulp)
Dylan: Wow, my kind of girl.
Carol: Ok, oh, hey, no one put a roofie in there…or doooooo. (pokes playfully around Dylan’s head) Ok, I’mgonna go push one out and smoke a joint in the bathroom. (Carol gets up and leaves)
Dylan: Hey, I think I’m gonna go get a little bit of air. I’ll be right back too. (Dylan follows Carol)
Jim’s Wife: Wow. She looks different.
Jim: Yeah, what is the deal? Your friend really let herself go.
Jim’s Wife: No, no I mean she looks a lot better.
(Carol and Dylan come back out looking a little disheveled)
Jim: Wow! That was fast.
Carol: Was it? I didn’t noticed. We were having sex in your toilet.
Jim: Ok, you know what? Maybe we should call it a night, ok.
Carol: Oh yeah, we were gonna go anyway, Dylan knows a little place around the corner where they do serve coffee coladas.
Dylan: Its called Dunkin Donuts. (Throws a dirty look at Jim)
Jim: Oh, great. I know that, thank you.
Dylan: Listen baby, as long as we’re together you will never have to loofah your calves again alone. I promise. (Carol puts her hands in Dylan’s shoulders)
Carol: Ohwww! Hey guys, I’m afraid we have some bad news. You’re gonna have to buy a new toilet!
Jingle: And then there’s Carol! (Carol turns around with a shy smile) And then there’s Carol! (Carol points at herself like saying Who, me?) Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky (Carol dances wildly) Right on Carol. (Carol poses)
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 29th, 2005 Lance Armstrong Sheryl Crow None Scott Podsednik Liz Cackowski JB Smoove
A Message From the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) denies his staff’s illegal activities as the White House fills with smoke around him. Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney. Transcript
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s absent from the episode for maternity leave.
Lance Armstrong’s MonologueSummary: Lance Armstrong answers audience questions about steroid use and a potential date for his wedding to Sheryl Crow. Bio: Lance Armstrong (1971-). Athlete; won the Tour de France cycling race seven years in a row, 1999-2005. Transcript
Celebrity IronmanSummary: Despite being a superb cyclist, Lance Armstrong demonstrates a complete inability to run or swim. Transcript
Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s! Transcript
The Indigo GirlsSummary: The Indigo Girls (Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler) enjoy living their musical life high on a mountain with 26 dogs, but don’t welcome criticism from Sheryl Crow.
The O’Reilly FactorSummary: Bill O’Reilly (Darrell Hammond) puts the wrong spin on the day’s major issues, includinf a grand jury investigation and Harriet Miers’ nomination. Recurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, Robert Bork.
Sheryl Crow performs “Good Is Good”First Performed: 96b.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: A drunken Harriet Miers (Rachel Dratch) admits that no one in the Bush administration is qualified for their jobs. Tina and Amy challenge one another to a “Weekend Update Bitch Fight News Quiz.” To honor Rosa Parks’ death, Finesse Mitchell stages a sit-in at the Weekend Update desk until a black anchor is assigned to the post. Scott Podsednik realizes that Tina and Amy aren’t the White Sox fans they purport themselves to be. Mrs. Butterworth (Kenan Thompson) is responsible for a syrupy smell in New York. Bio: Scott Podsednik (1976-). Athlete; outfielder for the Colorado Rockies baseball team; stole 70 bases in 2004, the year’s highest among the major leagues. Transcript
A Song For SherylSummary: With a little help from his gardeners (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader), Lance Armstrong composes a song for fiancee Sheryl Crow that shows off his lack of musical talents.
Days of Our LivesSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) has trouble sticking to the script during a cameo appearance on “Days of Our Lives.” Recurring Characters: Donald Trump. Transcript
Carol!Summary: Dylan (Lance Armstrong) is set up on a date with Carol (Horatio Sanz), a cheerful yet skanky overweight woman who changes his life for the better. Recurring Characters: Carol. Note: This sketch was cut from dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Steve Carell. Transcript
Sheryl Crow performs “Strong Enough”
Hit ManSummary: Hit man Mr. Franco’s (Horatio Sanz) task of killing Gordon the snitch (Lance Armstrong) is delayed by the incessant laughter of his henchman, Marty (Will Forte). Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts J.J. CasualsSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot. Note: This sketch will finally air on the episode hosted by Jason Lee.
Good Morning TodaySummary: Morning talk show anchors were costumes to celebrate Halloween.
OutsidersSummary: Talk show format for the unpopular crowd.
Steve JobsSummary: Apple’s Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces smaller and smaller I-Pods that hold more and more songs as they shrink. Note: This sketch will later air as a Weekend Update commentary on the episode hosted by Eva Longoria.
Steve JobsSummary: Young, immature sea captain (Andy Samberg) loses his cool after crashing his cruise ship into an iceberg.
[open on interior of church with bride, groom, and priest]
Priest: Glen, will you have Gina to be your wife, to love her in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?
Glen: I will
[Glen’s father has his arm around his wife’s shoulders as they look on proudly]
Priest: Gina, will you have Glen to be your husband, to love him in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?
Gina: I will.
[Gina’s parents also look on proudly, her father smiling as her mother fights back tears, his arm also around her shoulders]
Priest: As you all know, Glen and Gina are very active in our church choir. They love to raise their voices unto the Lord any chance they get. So on this most special of days, they’ve decided to sing their own vows. Without any further ado, I give you Glen and Gina. [steps away as soft organ music begins to play and the couple take each others’ hands]
[Gina’s parents smile eagerly]
Glen: [singing] When I first met Gina / in old town Pasadena, / my heart and my soul agreed, / she’s such a beautiful person / with such a tender smile, / and she’s also so intelligent. / I love her family and her style of dress. [Gina’s parents smile and nod] / Her manners are so impeccable. / And from that moment I knew / that woman would be Mrs. Glen Clarkson. [Glen’s parents smile broadly]
Gina: [singing] When I first met Glen, / my heart skipped a beat; / I thought I had a condition. / Then I realized, / oh yes I surmised, / our two hearts were beating as one. / He had real good hygiene, / yes I mean he was clean. / He let me wear his jean jacket. / That’s when I knew / that he’s the man for me, / and so I asked him to spank me. [Gina’s parents are clearly confused and unpleasantly surprised]
Glen: [singing] We went back to my flat. / I bent her over my knee / and I paddled her bare bottom with fury. [Glen’s mother draws back and eyes the couple warily while his father looks on, stone-faced]
Gina: [singing] Such heavenly smacks / on both sides of my crack. / Hours and hours of spanking. [Gina’s parents blink in disbelief]
Glen: [singing] I tried to stop, / tried to close up shop, / but my hungry palms wouldn’t let me. / So I fed my palms a meal / of womanly butt steak / and downed half a bottle of Quaaludes. [Glen’s parents desperately try to pantomime to Gina’s parents that they knew nothing about this and do not at all approve]
Gina: [singing] But soon my tokhes had enough, / so we turned the tables / and the spanker became the spank-ed. [she pokes Glen’s nose] [Gina’s father looks nervously back towards the crowd while her mother shakes her head] / I started calling him names / that I couldn’t say in church, / ’cause that would be really tasteless.
Glen: [singing] The hairs on my tush / were standing at attention / the second they felt her swattings. / And I have to admit, / it felt so right, / I immediately thought of my mother. [spoken] I love you, mom! [Glen’s mother clutches at the neckline of her dress in distress and mouths, “Oh, my God!”]
Gina: [singing] My heart was so full; / it was a spank festival. / It went a little something like this.
[Glen bends over and Gina spanks him while hitching her skirt with her other hand, creating the impression that she is sort of a cowgirl. All the while, he sings “Ooo-ooo” and she sings “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Glen’s mother has fallen into sobs while his father tries to comfort her. An elderly gentleman in the pews whispers excitedly to his female companion. The spanking continues while another wedding guest smiles and rocks back and forth to the music with index fingers raised. Gina’s mother faints in her seat. The spanking ends, and Glen and Gina rejoin both hands.]
Glen and Gina: [singing] And that’s how we fell in love. [they kiss each other lightly on the lips as the music ends]
Priest: [returns to stand before the couple] Uh… [clears throat, looks down, opens his mouth, nods and looks down] Okay. Um, Glen and Gina, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. Glen, you may kiss the bride.
[Glen and Gina’s faces approach, but then Glen kisses his own fingertips]
Gina: [rapturously] Oh!
[Gina turns around and bends over, and Glen commences spanking her, shouting out, “Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!” as “Ode to Joy” plays]
…..Tina Fey …..Amy Poehler Donnie Freeman…..Jason Sudeikis Pep Walters…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its WeekendUpdate, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Tina Fey: Hi, Im Tina Fey.
Amy Poehler: And Im Amy Poehler, here are tonights top stories:
[Tom DeLay grinning in his mugshot] Tom DeLays mugshot was released onThursday. Even creepier, it was taken while he watched someone drown abag of kittens.
DeLay looks confident in his mugshot, but lets widen out. [new photoshows DeLays pants are stained] Yep, I thought so. He soiled himself,thats what I thought.
Over to you, Tina.
Tina Fey: Thank you, thank you.
Amy Poehler: I just want to say its great to have Tina back, everybody.
Tina Fey: Aww, thank you. [cheers and applause] Im happy to behere, and, uh, we also want to offer congratulations to Maya Rudolph,who had her baby last week! [more applause]
Amy Poehler: Thats right.
Tina Fey: Yes, a sweet little peanut named Pearl. And this putsus, uh, one step closer to an all-baby cast.
[cast photo is shown; only a few adults are remaining, surrounded by infants]
Amy Poehler: Oh, that looks good.
Tina Fey: Yes! All babies… and Finesse. Its gonna be a goodshow [Amy is laughing] Hes in the picture!
Last week, Hurricane Wilma grew into the most intense Atlantic stormever recorded, a Category 5, with 175 mile per hour winds. Or whatsknown around FEMA as Casual Friday.
Amy Poehler: Sources said Monday that a special prosecutorsintensifying focus into who outed a CIA operative has raised questionswhether Vice President Dick Cheney himself was involved. Confronted onthe issue, Cheney turned into a hundred bats, and then flew away!
Tina Fey: Lawrence Wilkerson, Colin Powells former Chief ofStaff, said this week that foreign policy in the Bush administration hasbeen usurped by a Cheney-Rumsfeld Cabal. President Bush fired back,saying, How dare you notice that!
U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush in the White House onWednesday and urged the President to help the worlds poor, while thePresident urged Bono to get back with Cher. [applause]
Amy Poehler: Id like to see that.
Tina Fey: I hope they do!
Amy Poehler: This week in Florida, the Doral High School footballteam cancelled the remainder of its season, after losing its first sixgames by a combined score of 299-0. Here to comment is the head coachof that team, Donnie Freeman.
[pan to Donnie; applause]
Donnie Freeman: Thank you Amy, thank you. Ah, hey, what can Isay, tough season, you know? We lost all our games, and we didnt scorea point. What can I say, I love my trick plays! [laughs] I love myFlea Flicker, you know, your Statue of Liberty, Bloomin Onion, theDutch Brownie. And for the record, you know, I- I now know that theBloomin Onion is illegal, all right? Because I now know that only onefootball is allowed on the field at any given time. I know that, I knowthat now.
See, I learn stuff from these kids as well, you know? Cause thatswhat youre gonna get when you play for ol Donnie Freeman, all right? One, youre gonna learn. Two, you gotta be clean-shaven. Noexceptions, all right? And three, no punting. Ever. We neverpunt the football. Punting is for quitters. Vince Lombardi said that. Actually, it mightve been my dad. Doesnt matter.
Hey, now a lot of people say my styles a little unorthodox, all right? And Im like, you know, what does that word even mean? [laughs some more]
Amy Poehler: Oh, it means youre style of play is unusual.
Donnie Freeman: Oh! Alright, then I guess theyre right, then. OK, yeah, no I didnt- I didnt know that.
Amy Poehler: Well, what did you think it meant?
Donnie Freeman: Ah, you know, I didnt really know, itsjusteych. Just sounded mean, you know?
Amy Poehler: Wow.
Donnie Freeman: Alright, but you wanna know what really stinks? Wanna know what really stinks? Youre gonna love this, you two. I- Idont even know if Im gonna be back next year! I dont know if Imgonna get to come back. How do you like that for gratitude? You knowwhat, if you guys keep giving me the runaround down there at Doral, Imnot even gonna want to come back, alright? Cause this little birdiewill fly away! Oh believe me, Ive got options, believe that. Ivealways wanted to coach in the pros, for instance. You know, more of mystyle, anyhoo. Uh, plus, on a good note, I just found out on Thursdaythat I have a three-year-old son, his names Orlando.
So yeah, I think things are looking up for ol Donnie Freeman!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, theyre definitely not. The saddest man inthe world, everybody, Donnie Freeman. [cheers and applause] Yeah, goodluck, Donnie.
Tina Fey: Pope Benedict XVI will attend a world premierescreening of the new miniseries Pope John Paul II, starring CaryElwes and Jon Voight. Hes coming to the premiere because Jon Voightsdaughter is Angelina Jolie, and even the Pope wants to hit that. [someapplause]
Amy Poehler: Stay away from my Pope, Jolie. [Tina laughs] I knowhow you work.
Royal officials announced Friday that Prince William has won a place atBritains elite Sandhurst Military Academy, to train to become an Armyofficer. Apparently the admissions committee was particularly impressedby his essay. [picture of a sheet of paper, with the words Im PrinceWilliam written on it]
Tina Fey: And now, a Weekend Update Sports Minute for Ladies.
Game One of the World Series was tonight. Uh, the Chicago White Soxplayed, uh, those other guys, and I think they beat them by, like, acouple, I think.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, yeah, and it was really long.
Tina Fey: Ugh, it was so long.
Amy Poehler: Yeah.
Don Pardo V/O: This has been Weekend Update Sports Minute forLadies. [cheers and applause]
Tina Fey:Spongebob Squarepants will begin airing in Chinain December, so millions of factory workers can finally know what thehell theyre making. [applause]
In China, the show will be called Cleaning Pad Charlie RectangleShorts.
Amy Poehler: Good show, I would watch that.
A 14-year-old Indiana girl was arrested after she came to a middleschool with a handgun, ammunition, and six small bags of marijuana. Man, Dakota Fannings growing up so fast! [some applause]
Tina Fey: Businessman Robert McCormick is refusing to pay a$200,000 bill from a night at the Scores strip club two years ago,insisting that he did not spend more than $20,000 that night. Oh,thats much better, said his wife.
Amy Poehler: The Monroe County jail in Indiana is within ten daysof running out of toilet paper, because the county council will notallow the warden to transfer funds to pay for it. The story will betold in the upcoming film, The Brown Mile. [some boos mixed withcheers; Amy smiles] WHOO!
Researchers say that about one half of American teens go online to getinformation about sex, while the other half get their sex informationfrom Don Pardooh no, wait a second, that cant be right.
Don Pardo: Its true, Amy Poehler, I know a lot about sex.
Amy Poehler: [disgusted] Oh please, Don, dont say that anymore
Don Pardo V/O: Wanna know how babies are made?
Amy Poehler: No!
Don Pardo V/O: Good, Ill stop by your dressing room and show you!
Amy Poehler: What? God!
Tina Fey: Wow, Don, youre gonna do this in front of me? Youregonna hit on her in front of me.
Don Pardo V/O: Dont be like that, boo. [some applause]
Tina Fey: Oh, Don Pardo, it is impossible to be mad at you!
Amy Poehler: Youre a charmer, a charmer.
Tina Fey: I love you, Don Pardo.
This week marked[cracks up] This week marked the beginning of exorcismclasses at Vatican University, and the last week of Jazzorcism classes.[picture of a possessed baby waving his arms at an aerobics class; someapplause]
Amy Poehler: Tired of all the prostitute jokes they have toendure, the residents of Hooker Lane in Greenwich, Connecticut, arepetitioning the town to have their streets name changed to StonebrookLane, after longtime resident Louise Stonebrook… who is a prostitute.
Tina Fey: Amy, last night I saw a comedian who made me laugh soloud, I was like, tears. For real, very inspiring. Hes blind, andhes a prop comic. Please welcome Pep Walters!
[Pep approaches a microphone next to Tina; applause]
Pep Walters: [facing Tina] Hey!!! Check out this crowd!!whichway am I facing?
Tina Fey: A little that way. [turns Pep so he faces the audience]
Pep Walters: There we go. Whats up, everybody? [audiencecheers] Yeah, yeah!
Did you ever go on an airplane? Some guys got a baby whos crying tooloud? [chuckling] Yeah, I got something for that!
[to Tina, but the audience can still hear him] Will you reach into mybag, real quick, and just, uh, grab one
Tina Fey: In here?
Pep Walters: Its in there, yeah.
Tina Fey: [reaching into the large bag Pep brought, she pulls outa furry tennis racket] This?
Pep Walters: No, thats not it. [to the audience] On a plane!
Tina Fey: [pulling out a hard hat with a satellite dish attached]Is this it?
Pep Walters: No, thats not it. Just keep going, then. [to theaudience again] Got a baby whos crying too loud? Man, I got something,you wont believe it! Ha ha! [Tina pulls out a toilet seat withreflectors attached] No, thats not it, its these, uh, earmuffs thatsay Shut That Baby Up on it.
Tina Fey: Oh, OK.
Pep Walters: Thats, um, the punchline of the joke[Tina findsthe earmuffs and gives them to Pep, who puts them on] Hey!! Check itout! Shut that baby up! [little audience reaction, since the punchlinehas been given away; Pep is clearly disappointed]Just get me off the stage, please? I- I think Im done.
Tina Fey: Oh, uh, OK. Just back up and turn right.
Amy Poehler: Thank you, thank you Pep Walters.
Pep Walters: [startled] Who was that? Who else is here?
Tina Fey: Oh, its just Amy.
Pep Walters: Oh, OK. Yeah, I need to get off.
Tina Fey: Just that way to the right. Good job, Pep.
Pep Walters: OK.
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Pep. [cheers and applause]
Swedish researchers discovered a new way to[Suddenly, Peps headappears in Amys camera shot] Oh boy.
Tina Fey: Pep! No, the other way, Pep!
Amy Poehler: The other way! [Pep wanders around in front of thedesk, still in the shot. Amy laughs]
Tina Fey: Get out of the shot, Pep.
Amy Poehler: Pep, get out of the shot!
Tina Fey: Pep, just
Amy Poehler: Move in any direction!
Tina Fey: Move in any direction, Pep, and youll be out of theshot! Just, even, bend down a little bit. [Pep finally gets out of theshot. Amy is still laughing. Cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: Oh boy, tears!
A new survey shows that the average person spends four years of theirlife housecleaning, and just 16 hours having orgasms, which makes sense. It probably would take four years to clean up after a 16-hour orgasm. Am I right, Tina? Up top! [holds her hand out for Tina]
Tina Fey: No.
Amy Poehler: No? Ill do it myself. [gives herself a high five] Boom.
Tina Fey: Alright, thank you.
Madonna made a surprise appearance at New Yorks Hunter College onWednesday as a guest professor. The course was Fake English as aSecond Language. [some applause]
Amy Poehler: A twelve-year-old Michigan boy is trying to breakthe Guinness Book of World Records for most continuous karate kicks inone hour. Least happy about this: the boys little brother.
For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Señora Anne Van Patten…..Amy Poehler Frau Roz Wells…..Rachel Dratch Madame Hillary Decroix…..Catherine Zeta-Jones Dennis…..Finesse Mitchell Boy…..Andy Samberg Michael…..Kenan Thompson Mr. Matthew Nelson…..Seth Meyers Stan Wells…..Horatio Sanz
[open on exterior of school with chiseled stone sigh: “Creighton Boys School”]
[dissolve to interior of teachers’ louge, with Frau Wells seated and eating a sandwich, Signora Van Patten enters]
Señora Van Patten: Ugh.
Frau Wells: How’s your day going, Señora Van Patten?
Señora Van Patten: Not too hot, Frau Wells. I’m down to two students in my noon Spanish class. Two!
Frau Wells: My morning German class got canceled.
Señora Van Patten: This is ridiculous. How can one new teacher make all our boys love French so much?
Madame Decroix: [entering, calling out into hallway] Merci, Jean-Claude! Asseyez! Asseyez-bon mon cherie-la! [closes door] Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour, Señora Van Patten, Frau Wells. Ça va?
Señora Van Patten: We, uh, we don’t speak French, so we don’t understand what you’re saying.
Madame Decroix: Oh, quelle dommage! I am so sorry. You know, when I’m speaking French all day in class, you forget you’re speaking a foreign language.
Frau Wells: No, I don’t have that problem.
Señora Van Patten: Yeah, neither do I and neither did Nancy. You know Nancy, the last French teacher?
Madame Decroix: Oh, yes, I’m so sorry when you lose a colleague. What was she like, Nancy?
Señora Van Patten: Just, you know, so wonderfully plain. A simple, no-frills lady. Overweight, but she didn’t care about that. You know, you knew what you were getting with Nancy.
Madame Decroix: And what happened to her?
Señora Van Patten: She got drunk and slapped a student.
[Dennis enters]
Madame Decroix: Ah! Fire Marshall Denis! Ça va? Ah, mon cherie-la! [kisses him on each cheek]
Dennis: Oh, wait, okay, I can do this. Ça va bien.
Madame Decroix: Ah! [applauds] Bravo, Fire Marshall Denis!
Dennis: [applauds as well, then composes himself] Okay, now look. I’ve done everything I could, but you can’t have more than sixty kids in those rooms.
Madame Decroix: Oh, quelle dommage. Mais, merçi pour essayer, eh? Merçi beaucoup.
Dennis: Oh, no problem.
Señora Van Patten: You understood that?
Dennis: Didn’t need to. [to Madame Decroix] Au revoir. [waves]
Madame Decroix: Au revoir. [waves, Dennis exits] What a nice man. And what nice boys in this school. I’ve never met students so eager to learn a language.
Frau Wells: Really? Hunh.
[boys enter, calling Madame Decroix’s name]
Madame Decroix: Oh, calmez-vous, mes enfants! Calmez-vous, calmez-vous!
Boy: We have a question.
Madame Decroix: Oui?
Boy: How do you say “lunch?”
Madame Decroix: Déjuner.
Michael: And “breakfast?”
Madame Decroix: Petit déjuner.
Boy: See, dude, I told you.
Señora Van Patten: Hi, guys. Good to see you again.
Boy: [mumbling] Oh, hey.
Michael: [mumbling] Oh, hey, Ms. Van Patten.
Señora Van Patten: En español, por favor.
Michael: In Spanish? Holo?
Señora Van Patten: No, hola! [disappointed] I had you for three years, Miguel.
Michael: My name is Michel now, s’il vous plaît!
Señora Van Patten: Okay, it’s time for you guys to leave. You can’t be in the teachers’ lounge. [walks to door and opens it] Goodbye.
Both Boys: [exiting] Viva la France!
Madame Decroix: Such enthusiasm for languages, huh?
Señora Van Patten: [flatly] Yeah.
Mr. Nelson: [entering, carrying books] Ah, bonjour, Hilarie!
Madame Decroix: Ah, bonjour, Matthieu! [they kiss on both cheeks] Ça va, mon cherie-la?
Mr. Nelson: Yeah, Ça va bien. [to Señora Van Patten] Hey.
Frau Wells: Hi, Mr. Nelson.
Señora Van Patten: Ugh.
Mr. Nelson: Anyway, voulez-vous aller á le cinéma ce soir?
Frau Wells: Hey, how long have you spoken French, Matthew? I thought you only knew Latin.
Mr. Nelson: No, I’ve known French for a long time.
Señora Van Patten: Really? Long time, yeah? What’s this? [grabs French textbook from under his arm] Wow. Known it a long time?
Mr. Nelson: Well, long enough, Señorita.
Señora Van Patten: It’s Señora.
Mr. Nelson: Oh! I thought when you get divorced, it changes back.
Señora Van Patten: Are you already sleeping with her?
Mr. Nelson: As they say in Latin, veni vidi vici.
Señora Van Patten: Keep laughing, buddy. Soon, you’re not going to have any students, either.
Mr. Nelson: Well, you’d totally be right, if Latin wasn’t a required class. There isn’t really an appropriate Latin phrase for this, so let me leave you ladies with [slams fist in the air] BOOYAH! [backs towards door with his arms spread and exits]
Madame Decroix: [returns] Oh, Matthieu left?
Señora Van Patten: Yeah, he did. And I should warn you about that guy. He has a bit of a reputation.
Madame Decroix: Oh, don’t worry. No, the French and France has made me open to things. He’s told me all about his ex-lovers.
Señora Van Patten: Oh, you know, your lack of hang-ups is just so refreshing.
Frau Wells: Be careful, Anne.
Señora Van Patten: No, Roz! I can’t hold it in anymore! Hey, Hillary?
Madame Decroix: Hilarie. The “H” is silent.
Señora Van Patten: Okay, the “H” is silent? In that case, ‘Ilary, your perfume makes you smell like a ‘oooker!
[Mr. Wells enters]
Stan Wells: Um, hello, ladies. Could you help me? Where would one drop off a lunch for my son? He raced out this morning; he plum forgot it.
Madame Decroix: Who’s your son?
Stan Wells: Bobby Wells.
Madame Decroix: Oh! Bobby Wells! Oh, my prize pupil. [runs the back of her hand over his cheek] I can see where he gets his good looks.
Stan Wells: Oh. [chuckles] You must be Madame Decroix. Oh, he never stops talking about you. And let me tell you something, the picture on his cell phone does not do you justice.
Madame Decroix: Mr. Wells, why don’t you try the cafeteria?
Stan Wells: [chuckles in a low growl] Thank you. [turns to Frau Wells] What time you getting home, honey?
Frau Wells: 4 o’clock, Stan. Same as every day.
Stan Wells: All right. [turns disinterestedly and exits]
[bell rings]
Madame Decroix: Ah, back to the grind, my friends. I shall see you soon. [bends over to pick up some books] Les livres.
Señora Van Patten: Uh-huh.
Madame Decroix: Merci beaucoup! Á toute suite! [exits]
Señora Van Patten: Where’s the closest bar, Roz?
Frau Wells: I have Scotch in my desk.
Señora Van Patten: [grabs sombrero from table] Let’s hit it.
Brit Hume…..Darrell Hammond President George W. Bush…..Will Forte Richards…..Fred Armisen Captain William Kelly…..Jason Sudeikis Connelly…..Rachel Dratch Captain Jeff Walker…..Finesse Mitchell Fake Captain Jeff Walker…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on Fox News music and logo ]
[ logo: “Fair & Balanced” ]
[ logo: “Special Report w/ Brit Hume” ]
[ dissolve to Brit Hume in the studio ]
Brit Hume: Welcome to Washington, I’m Brit Hume. Last week —
[ audience aplauds wildly ]
[ tag: “Fox New Live: Bush To Hold Q&A With Troops” ]
Brit Hume: Last week, partisan critics attacked President Bush for having a frank question-and-answer session with American troops. They called it “staged.” But, just because soldiers were given questions and answers ahead of time, does that make it staged? In this humble reporter’s opinion: absolutely not! However, just to prove those critics wrong, President Bush has answered the call with his usual sound judgment and steely resolve. He’s arranged another discussion, which will be entirely unscripted and spontaneous. We now join the President, live.
[ dissolve to side view of President George W. bush standing at podium and facing a satellite broadcast of half-a-dozen or more American troops sitting together ]
President George W. Bush: Hello, troops. You know, first of all, I want to thank you for your amazing work, and assure you the American public is coming around on the war in Iraq. It’s like NBC’s “My Name is Earl.” You know, it’s not a runaway hit, but people are getting behind it.
Richards: Well, I think the people of Iraq are getting behind you, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Well — [ chuckles ] they haven’t seen my golf game!
[ the troops chuckle politely ]
Richards: That’s a good one, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Well, you know, thank you very much. You know? Yea — uhh — okay. Now, okay, if it’s okay, I’d like to ask you troops a few “informal” questions. And I want you to answer honestly. You know, just whatever comes to mind. Okay, here’s my first “spontaneous” question. Okay. [ makes a quick glance at a blue note card ] “I hear things are going really, really well in Iraq. Is that true?”
Richards: Well, I’m gonna field that question to Captain William Kelly.
Captain William Kelly: [ obviously reading from an off-camera cue card ] “Hello. Wow! I’m thrilled to speak to you. Smile At Camera. It’s moments like these, that I just have to speak from the heart. Point To Chest. Everything in Iraq is going as expected. Well, that’s great to hear, Captain.”
President George W. Bush: [ chuckling nervously ] “Well! That’s.. great to hear, Captain! I’m glad the, uh, mission is a complete success.”
Captain William Kelly: [ fellow soldier Connelly moves her lips as she reads behind Kelly ] “And another success is your nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. She is a woman of principle and deep conviction, and we all know her heart and her character.”
President George W. Bush: “Well! Thank you. You know, I agree. I agree.” My second completely “spontaneous” question, is about, uh — [ glances at second blue note card ] the Iraqi “electricians”. Were the “electricians” incredibly successful by all acounts?
Connelly: “Yes, Mr. President. The ‘e-lec-tions’ went very smoothly. The Iraqi people are so full of freedom, they could burst. Sometimes, an Iraqi will be so full of democracy, they’ll walk into a crowded area and explode. With democracy!”
President George W. Bush: [ chuckling ] I heard about that! That’s, uh – that’s a good sign. Alright, let’s see, uh – I have another “spontaneous” question. Uh — [ glances at another blue note card ] “My Name is Earl” – did that. [ flips through note cards ] “Golf joke” – huge laugh. [ flips through note cards ] Oh, here we go. Okay. Here’s a tough one. Here’s a tough one. “Are you excited about staying in Iraq: A. Because you’re really learning a lot of useful skills, or B. Because you love spreading freedom?”
Richards: Well, I’ll field that question to Captain Jeff Walker.
Captain Jeff Walker: [ reading from cue cards ] “Wow. That is a tough one. I would have to say: both A and B. Ever since September 11th, we felt the call to duty –” [ stops, shakes his head ] Man, y’all not even paying me enough to lie like this! These people don’t want us here –!
[ the image cuts off, as snow fills the screen. Cut back immediately to reveal a second black soldier being pushed into the now-absent Captain Jeff Walker’s seat. ]
Fake Captain Jeff Walker: [ fumbling to grip on the microphone ] Um – uh – hey! This is, uh – this is still me! It’s still Captain Jeff Walker. Uh – I don’t know what got into me. I-i-I-I was trying to explain how much I appreciate this fantastic opportunity.
President George W. Bush: [ chuckling] Please, Captain Walker, you know, it’s the least I could do. You know? And thank you all for joining me in this “frank, open conversation.” We both did a great job being “spontaneous” to each other. Thank you. And good night.
[ dissolve back to Brit Hume ]
[ tag: “Fox News Live: Bush Wows America” ]
Brit Hume: There you have it. Challenging questions from a president so skilled at overcoming challenges! We at Fox News pride ourselves on Fair & Balanced coverage! It should be objectively clear that our president has once again demonstrated grace, intelligence, and courage under fire! The precise qualities that make him one of our finest presidents.
[ tag: “Fox News Live: Bush Better Than Lincoln” ]
And, if I could editorialize for just one moment, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
[open on title screen: “NewsNight with Aaron Brown,” with music]
[dissolve to Aaron Brown at news desk]
Aaron Brown: [title: “CNN: Aaron Brown”] Welcome back to “NewsNight.” I am Aaron Brown, and–How can I put this?–I am better than you. Before the break, we were talking about recent US airstrikes on insurgents in Afghanistan. Just when we think we’re out, they pull us back in. That’s from “The Godfather, Part III,” not Coppola’s best, but I digress. Our correspondent, Suzanne Carbonal, is live in Pashwan, Afghanistan. And, Suzanne, what is the situation there?
[dissolve to Suzanne Carbonal with city of Pashwan and mountains visible behind her]
Suzanne Carbonal: [title: “CNN: Suzanne Carbonal”] Aaron, my crew and I arrived today to find out accomodations destroyed, the city crippled by power outages and a shortage of running water. While the US military claims no civilians were hurt in these airstrikes, clearly it is the civilians who are suffering now. Suzanne Carbonal, CNN News.
Aaron Brown: Thank you, Suzanne. More on that in the coming days.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 3”]
Aaron Brown: Good evening. We start tonight’s program with Suzanne Carbonal, live in Pashwan. Suzanne?
[Suzanne’s hair is slightly matted and unkempt, and her eyebrows are strangely bushy and crooked]
Suzanne Carbonal: Aaron, this is our third day of sleeping in our truck, and trying to cover the mountain of chaos here in Pashwan.
Aaron Brown: So you’ve gone just three days without the comforts of home?
Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron.
Aaron Brown: Wow.
Suzanne Carbonal: A small roadside bomb exploded this morning, before dawn.
Aaron Brown: Was anyone hurt, Suzanne? Was your makeup person injured at all?
Suzanne Carbonal: Well, I don’t have a makeup person with me, Aaron. But the cameramen were pretty shaken up with what they were seeing.
Aaron Brown: I should think so.
Suzanne Carbonal: I actually overheard one saying to the other, “Good lord, she looks rough.” And I can only assume he was talking about the beautiful old mosque in the town center, that was now destroyed.
Aaron Brown: Well, be well, Suzanne. We’ll all be praying for you to get some sleep.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 6”]
Aaron Brown: Breaking news out of Pashwan. We go to our own Suzanne Carbonal.
[Suzanne’s hair is more matted and unkempt, and her eyebrows are bushier]
Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron, we’re now six days of the ordeal here in Pashwan, and conditions grow more dire each day.
Aaron Brown: Suzanne, are any supplies getting in? Food? Water? Soap? Tweezers?
Suzanne Carbonal: No, Aaron. Although, this morning, an angry mob pelted me with hair brushes and tubes of lipstick.
Aaron Brown: A violent, put perhaps well intended gesture.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 10”]
Aaron Brown: Day 10 of the Pashwan standoff. Suzanne, were you in a fight or something?
[Suzanne’s hair is as on Day 6, but bushy, crooked eyebrow stretches across her entire forehead and she is now wearing glasses and has several front teeth prominently missing]
Suzanne Carbonal: No, Aaron. Actually, my contact lenses became infected, and I seem to have lost one of my porcelain veneers.
Aaron Brown: It’s more than one.
Suzanne Carbonal: Well it pales, Aaron, in comparison to what the people of Pashwan have lost.
Aaron Brown: And how is the crew holding up?
Suzanne Carbonal: Oh, they’re nervous, Aaron. Yes. A few have suggested, for my own safety, I put on a burqa. You know, the traditional full head covering. [gestures downwards across her face]
Aaron Brown: Perhaps for our viewers’ safety as well.
Suzanne Carbonal: What do you mean, Aaron?
Aaron Brown: Nothing. We’ll be right back.
[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 14”]
Aaron Brown: Before we go to the Pashwan story, we have breaking news about Hurricane Wilma. We go now to Fort Lauderdale–or, Fort Myers, Florida, with our own…really? Suzanne Carbonal.
[initially facing away from the camera, Suzanne turns to face forward, with severe hurricane conditions visible behind her; she appears as on Day 14, but now with huge, extremely frizzy hair]
Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron, we had heavy rain last night.
Aaron Brown: It would seem so.
Suzanne Carbonal: Well, I flew directly from Afghanistan, and I can honestly say things here are even worse.
Aaron Brown: Suzanne Carbonal, looking more and more like Cha-Ka from “Land of the Lost.” Coming up next on “News Night,” what to expect at your colonoscopy appointment, as reported by our own…oh, come on. Suzanne Carbonal.
Catherine Zeta-jones: Thanks to our guests – Franz Ferdinand! Everybody! [ audience cheers ] And I’d just like to say a great “Thank You!” to the cast and crew of “SNL” – I’ve had a ball! Especially to you guys watching. They’ll see you next week – I’m going for a drink! Good night!
[In a kitchen; Wife and Husband Sudeikis address the camera earnestly.]
Wife: There’s some things men don’t like to talk about.
Husband: Like butt cancer.
Wife: Yes. Like butt cancer. Did you know that cancer of the dumper affects one in every forty men? But if detected early, it’s often successfully treated.
Husband: If it weren’t for the doctors at the Butt Cancer Treatment Center, I might not be here today.
Wife: We owe so much to the Butt Cancer Treatment Center.
Husband: We do. I was so worried about my pooper. Then one of the specialists at the Center fiddled around with my buns, and found the problem.
Wife: That’s usually all it takes. They diddle your pooper and then you know.
Husband: Knowledge is power.
Wife: If you’re a man over 30 and you’re concerned, you should have someone put a finger up your fartbox.
Husband: My butt is clean and free and living the good life.
Wife: Your fudge factory deserves the best.
[Cut to picture of building, with sign: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center ]
Female voice V/O: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center. Let us check out your stinker.
Air Date:
Summary: Lance Armstrong answers audience questions about steroid use and a potential date for his wedding to Sheryl Crow.
Summary: Despite being a superb cyclist, Lance Armstrong demonstrates a complete inability to run or swim.
Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s!
Summary: The Indigo Girls (Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler) enjoy living their musical life high on a mountain with 26 dogs, but don’t welcome criticism from Sheryl Crow.
Summary: Bill O’Reilly (Darrell Hammond) puts the wrong spin on the day’s major issues, includinf a grand jury investigation and Harriet Miers’ nomination.
First Performed: 
Summary: A drunken Harriet Miers (Rachel Dratch) admits that no one in the Bush administration is qualified for their jobs. Tina and Amy challenge one another to a “Weekend Update Bitch Fight News Quiz.” To honor Rosa Parks’ death, Finesse Mitchell stages a sit-in at the Weekend Update desk until a black anchor is assigned to the post. Scott Podsednik realizes that Tina and Amy aren’t the White Sox fans they purport themselves to be. Mrs. Butterworth (Kenan Thompson) is responsible for a syrupy smell in New York.
Summary: With a little help from his gardeners (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader), Lance Armstrong composes a song for fiancee Sheryl Crow that shows off his lack of musical talents.
Summary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) has trouble sticking to the script during a cameo appearance on “Days of Our Lives.”
Summary: Dylan (Lance Armstrong) is set up on a date with Carol (Horatio Sanz), a cheerful yet skanky overweight woman who changes his life for the better.
Summary: Hit man Mr. Franco’s (Horatio Sanz) task of killing Gordon the snitch (Lance Armstrong) is delayed by the incessant laughter of his henchman, Marty (Will Forte).
