SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Howard Dean Headquarters

Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards
Campaign Advisor…..Chris Parnell

[ open on exterior, Dean Campaign Headquarters, Des Moines, Iowa ]

[ dissolve to interior, Howard Dean’s office ]

Howard Dean: [ on telephone ] Hello, Dale – Howard Dean here. how are things in Marion County? Great! Well, you probably know why I’m calling you. Coming down to the wire here, and I just want to let you and every other Democratic county chairman know how much your support swould mean to me at the caucuses on Monday. I hope we can count on you. [ a beat ] Well, in that case, you can go f(beep) off!

[ hangs up, dials another number ]

Hello, Paul! Howard Dean here, how are you? Great! Look, I’ll get right to the point – Blackhawk County is very important to us, and, uh.. as Democratic county chairman, your backing would be a huge help. Can we count on you? [ a beat ] Alright. I understand. But, uh, can I make one request? Since you’re obviously so hot for John Kerry, why don’t you just go (beep) him? And, if you still have enough energy, you can go f(beep) yourself?!

[ hangs up the phone and checks his list, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Come in!

[ Campaign Advisor enters ]

Campaign Advisor: How’s it going, Governor?

Howard Dean: Ah, pretty good, I think. We’re not getting everybody, but we’re doing alright.

Campaign Advisor: Alright. Well, I know it’s a pain making these calls, but uh.. I can’t tell you how important it is to form personal relationships with these county chairmen. Even if they’re not with us now, we’ll need them in November.

Howard Dean: Ah. Believe me, I’m stroking’ ’em!

Campaign Advisor: Okay. Uh.. well, do you feel like taking a break? Because we can do that interview with the Sioux City Journal.

Howard Dean: Actually, I’d better finish calling the rest of these county chairmen first. Otherwise, I.. I might offend some of them!

Campaign Advisor: [ chuckles ] Okay, I hear you! Well, uh.. go back to this, and.. just let me know when you want that interview.

Howard Dean: Okay.

[ Campaign Advisor exits ]

Howard Dean: [ dials phone ] Hello, Andy! Howard Dean here! How we doing in Polk County? You still with us? Great! Really appreciate that. Iowa’s going to be crucial for us in November, and I need to know it’s in the bag. I don’t want to campaign here any more than I absolutely have to. [ a beat ] What? Because it’s a really boring place. You know that – you live here. No, trust me, it’s boring – nothing but corn and fat people. [ a beat ] Well, no offense, but your own family, for example. Well, anyway.. I’m afraid I’ve gotta run. But thanks for your support, okay? [ hangs up ]

[ Campaign Advisor re-enters ]

Campaign Advisor: Uh.. excuse me, Governor.

Howard Dean: Hey, I just had a great talk with Andy Schaeffer from, uh.. Polk County.

Campaign Advisor: Uh, th-that’s good.. ’cause, I just got off the phone with Dale Switzer – you know, the county chair in Fort Dodge?

Howard Dean: Yeah.

Campaign Advisor: Uh.. according to Dale, you threatened his life.

Howard Dean: Not “threatened his life.” I simply said I’d “put a bullet through his head.”

Campaign Advisor: Okay. do you really think that was the best thing to say, Sir?

Howard Dean: It was an honest reaction to hearing that he wants to stay neutral. He could respect that.

Campaign Advisor: And, in his place, you wouldn’t be offended?

Howard Dean: Not at all! On the contrary. My response would be: “You know something? This Howard Dean is a different kind of politician. I like his straight talk! The fact that he’s not afraid to tell people things they don’t want to hear. I think we need more of that in Washington!”

Campaign Advisor: Okay.. Have you taken any of the medication that we got for you?

Howard Dean: No, I flushed it down the toilet!

Campaign Advisor: Well, I appreciate your honesty —

Howard Dean: Thank you.

Campaign Advisor: But, with due respect, Governor – and, speaking not just as your advisor, but as someone who passionately believes in what you’re trying to accomplish – I-I really feel that, in your dealings with people, in addition to the honesty, uh.. y-you need to use just a little more tact.

[ a beat as Dean processes the suggestion ]

Howard Dean: Why don’t you go f(beep) yourself?!

Campaign Advisor: Alright. [ chuckles uncomfortably ] Anything else?

Howard Dean: Yes. [ looks directly into the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiight!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

El Cantador Mexican Restaurant

Denise…..Amy Poehler
David…..Seth Meyers
Ted…..Nick Lachey
Celia…..Jessica Simpson
Manager…..Horatio Sanz

[open on interior of restaurant with neon cactus on wall]

[Denise and David are seated at a table reading menus while Ted, a waiter, stands between them]

Denise: Um, I’ll have the chicken enchiladas.

David: And I’ll have the tacos gigantes. [mispronounced as “ji-gantays”]

[Denise and David fold their menus and give them to Ted]

Ted: [finishes writing down orders] Super! I’ll have your drinks out in just a minute, and if you need anything else, my name is Ted.

David: [to Ted] Thank you, Ted. [Ted exits stage right] [to Denise] Denise, let me just start by saying how very, very sorry I am.

Denise: Well, you should be sorry. You betrayed my trust, and right now I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to get over it.

David: It was meaningless to me. She means nothing to me.

Denise: Well she means a lot to me. She’s my sister.

[Ted enters with drinks on a small tray]

[music starts]

Ted: [singing to the tune of “Escape”] If you like piña coladas [gives one to Denise] / And a Michelob Light [gives one to David] / And if you’re not into yoga / If you have half a brain / I’ll be right back with your entree / And then we’ll make our escape! [flourishes with empty tray and exits stage right] [music ends]

[David bops along merrily for the duration of the song]

Denise: What was that?

David: I think it was “The Piña Colada Song” by Rupert Holmes. Anyway, I’m sorry. It’s just, you were in the hospital taking care of your mother, and your sister looks so much like you. But I promise you, I will never, ever, sleep with someone in your family while you are visiting your mother in the hospital, ever again.

Denise: That is not a good apology, David!

David: Well. [shrugs and rolls eyes]

[Celia enters with two plates]

[music starts]

Celia: [singing to the tune of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”] Here’s your dinner / But don’t touch the plates ‘cos they’re hot / Here’s your chicken enchiladas [gives them to Denise] / And your tacos gigantes [gives them to David] / If you’ll only hold me tight / We’ll be holding on forever / I hope I got your orders right / Because we’ll never be wrong together. [flourishes with potholders and exits stage right] [music ends

Denise: What is going on here? Did you pick a restaurant with singing waiters to discuss our marriage?

David: You love Mexican food! Plus they had these two-for-one coupons. [holds up a coupon]

Denise: Oh, David, you haven’t changed.

[Ted and Celia enter]

[music plays]

Ted and Celia: [singing to the tune of “Reunited”] How’s you dinner? Does it taste so good? / [Celia only, gesturing towards David] You love tacos, that is understood. / [Ted only, gesturing towards Denise] There’s one perfect fit / [Celia only, gesturing towards Denise] And sugar, this one is it. / [they turn to each other and clasp hands and sing together] We both are so excited ‘cos we’re reunited, hey-ay-hey-ay-ay-ay.

Denise: Enough, already, thank you. Um, look, look, I don’t want to hear music, okay? My husband and I are trying to reconcile, and I’m just not in the mood for you food songs.

[manager enters]

[music starts]

Manager: [singing to the tune of “She Blinded Me With Science”] Do you have a problem? / I’m the shift manager. / She blinded me with science. / Boop boop boop / She blinded me…with science! [music ends]

Denise: Stop it! Stop it, okay? Look, I am not in the mood for music. You sound great, thank you, but this is not the right time.

Manager: [shouting] SCIENCE!

Denise: You idiot! Stop yelling, “science!”

Manager: Ma’am, I’m sorry if you’re not happy with your experience here. But you came to El Cantador. We serve two things: delicious Mexican cuisine, and the wonderful gift of music.

David: Honey, Señor Iglesias is right. You can’t really complain about singing when you go to a restaurant with singing waiters.

Denise: Shut up, David.

David: Okay, fine.

Ted: Listen, ma’am, I’m sorry if you don’t like our singing. But we have a dream.

Celia: That’s right. We may be serving tacos gigantes or chimichangas, but soon we will be singing on Broadway.

Manager: That’s right. You see, Ted and Celia here are two of my star students.

Denise: Students?

David: Oh.

Manager: Yeah. This isn’t only Omaha’s oldest Mexican restaurant. It’s also a school for the performing arts. Students pay for classes with me by waiting tables and helping me build condos on weekends. I love being surrounded by dreamers.

Denise: Oh, look, I’m sorry. I was just upset because I was having problems with my husband.

Celia: Well, maybe music can help.

[music starts]

[the rest of the dialogue is sung to the tune of “We are the World”]

Ted and Celia: There comes a time / When you need to sing a song

Manager: And a mexican restaurant is the perfect place to start.

Celia: There are people eating…

Ted: …huevos rancheros

[David extends his hand and Denise clasps it]

Celia: And some mothers eating burritos.

[Ted, Celia, and the manager hold their hands to their ears as if holding headphones]

Ted, Celia, and Manager: We are the world / We are the children / We are the ones who make a brighter day / So let’s start giving

Denise: I forgive my husband / for sleeping with my sister.

David: That’s good, because I slept with your best friend, too.

[Denise snatches her hand away from David and storms out of the restaurant]

Ted, Celia, and Manager: We are the world / We are the children / [David shrugs and joins in] We are the ones who make a brighter day / So let’s start giving.

[dissolve to exterior: adobe facade with lettering that reads, “El Cantador Mexican Restaurant and School of the Performing Arts]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

American Beef Council

Paris Hilton…..Jessica Simpson
Nicole Ritchie…..Rachel Dratch

[open on American Beef Council logo]

Announcer: And now, a special message from Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie.

[dissolve to Paris and Nicole in front of a barn]

Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton.

Nicole: And I’m Nicole Ritchie.

Both: And we’re here to talk to you about mad cow disease.

Paris: And I’m Paris Hilton.

Nicole: Bovine spongiform en-something something-pathy, oh, whatever. Mad cow disease has only affected one cow in the whole United States. Everyone’s freaking out, thinking they can’t eat beef anymore, but you totally can. Look at the facts. One, mad cow disease mostly affects cows.

Paris: That’s why it’s called mad cow disease and not human cow disease. Duh. Two, mad cow disease is only transmitted through the spine and brains, and not through sex like we first thought.

Nicole: Cows get me hot. I wanna see two cows make out!

Paris: And, three, this is boring. I want to go to a party.

Nicole: I know, honey. We’re almost done. Just think about outfits. So, don’t be scared to eat beef, America. I’m not. I’ll put anything in my mouth. Seriously, show me whatever you’ve got, and I’ll put it in my mouth. And I’ll keep it there, and you’ll like it.

Paris: Eating American beef is completely safe. Trust us. We worked on a mad cow farm place for ten days.

Nicole: Yeah! I mean, I had my hand in a cow’s ass! If there was mad cow disease around, I would definitely have it. By the way, I’m not wearing underwear.

Paris: What’s underwear?

[dissolve to picture of Paris and Nicole lewdly tongueing a long, cylindrical piece of meat in a bun]

Announcer: Paid for by the American Beef Council.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


January 17th, 2004

Jessica Simpson

Nick Lachey

G-Unit

Joe
Howard Dean HeadquartersSummary: Howard Dean (Jeff Richards) calls the Iowa county chairman looking for support.

Recurring Characters: Howard Dean.

Note: Jeff Richards ignored direction for this sketch (indicative of the technical gaffes), which gave one more reason for the producers to fire him after this episode.

Note: Chris Parnell contributed $500.00 to Howard Dean’s campaign, much like his character does in thisa sketch.

Transcript

Montage

Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey’s MonologueSummary: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey pay tribute to the variety shows of the 70’s.

Bio: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (1980-) and former 98 Degrees member Nick Lachey (1973-) married in 2002 and debuted their reality show, “Newlyweds” on M-TV one year later.

Recurring Characters: Tina Turner

Note: Nick had to share Jessica’s microphone when his failed to work.

Tylenol ExtremeSummary: The extreme medicine used to stop extreme crotch pain caused by extreme sporting events.

Z-105 Morning CrewSummary: Jessica Simpson is too dumb to realize Joey Mac’s (Jimmy Fallon) is doing a phoney Nick Lachey voice in front of the couple.

Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.

El Cantador Mexican RestaurantSummary: El Cantador’s wait staff (Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson) sing for a troubled couple (Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers).

Transcript

American IdolSummary: Famous singers are criticized by Simon Cowell (Chris Parnell).

Recurring Characters: Simon Cowell, Britney Spears, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez.

M-TV FutureSummary: “Newlyweds” Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey’s Golden Anniversary season is previewed.

Transcript

American Beef CouncilSummary: Paris Hilton (Jessica Simpson) and Nicole Richie (Rachel Dratch) speak out for Mad Cow Disease.

Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie.

Transcript

G-Unit performs “Stunt 101”Bio: G-Unit (short for Gorilla Unit, as it appears on clothing) is a rap group started by 50 Cent with members Lloyd Banks, Tony Yayo and Young Buck.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Amidst his child molestation trial, a cheery Michael Jackson visits the news desk. Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) comments on his new show “The Apprenctice.” Jimmy Fallon fails to catch various guitars thrown at him. Tina Fey displays recent celebrity political endorsements. Patrick (Fred Armisen) and Gunther Kelly (Will Forte) sing the appeals court song.

Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Donald Trump, Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly.

Transcript

The Sharon Osborne ShowSummary: Sharon Osborne (Amy Poehler) interviews celebrity couple Dave Navarro (Nick Lachey) and Carmen Electra (Jessica Simpson).

Recurring Characters: Sharon Osborne, Ozzy Osborne.

Victoria’s SecretsSummary: Crotchety old lady (Maya Rudolph) shops for a new pair of panties with her grandson (Kenan Thompson).

Transcript

Northern California Nutgrowers AssociationSummary: Bubba Sparxxx (Horatio Sanz) sings dirty ditties for a new commercial jingle.

Note: Cut from last week’s dress rehearsal; Jessica Simpson’s role was played by Jennifer Aniston.

G-Unit and Joe perform “Wanna Get To Know You”

DynaCorpSummary: Jessica Simpson is baffled once more by polar-opposite canned food items.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

]]>

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Steve Irwin…..Jeff Richards
O.J. Simpson…..Finesse Mitchell
Phil Spector…..Fred Armisen
Robert Blake…..Darrell Hammond
…..Al Franken

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

This week secretary of state Colin Powell admitted that there is no direct link between Saddam Hussein and Al-Kyda. So let that be a warning world leaders, if you have no direct link to Al-Kyda we will get you.

This week Steve Irwin drew criticism when he held his month old son in his arm while hand feeding a chicken to a crocodile. Not to be outdone, Michael Jackson tossed ‘Blanket’ into a shark tank.

On Friday president Bush announced details of his plan to send a man to the moon. Bush told reporters that to guarantee success of the mission we will only send the astronauts up there when it’s a full moon.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s pretty good… guarantee success.

Last week Britney Spears married Jason Alexander. In a related story, Christina Aguilera 69’ed Newman.

Insiders say that Spears’ weekend marriage to her friend was the result of a prank that went too far. But honestly, what marriage isn’t?

Madonna has announced that she is backing democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark. This should give Clark the much needed boost in the Porte Rican Backup Dancer vote.

Former Senator Bill Bradley of New Jersey endorsed Howard Dean for president this week. Bradley said he is endorsing Dean because they share many of the same qualities, for example: neck fat.

Tina Fey: As we mentioned before, Steve Irwin…

Jimmy Fallon: The crocodile hunter?

Tina Fey: Yes, the crocodile hunter made headlines when he fed a chicken to a crocodile when holding his one month old baby. Here to defend his behavior is Steve Irwin…

Jimmy Fallon: The crocodile hunter?

Tina Fey: Yes.

Steve Irwin: (holding a chicken in a diaper) G’day Tina. Well frankly, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I know what I’m doing; I know how to feed crocs, and I know how to take care of my baby. In fact, I fed a chicken to a croc while holding my baby not 5 minutes ago. (Long pause from Jimmy and Tina) 5 minutes ago!!

Jimmy Fallon: Does that chicken have a diaper on it?

Steve Irwin: What chick… (He looks at the chicken and gasps) OH CRICKEY! Hang on junior, fight him off! I’m coming! (He runs away)

Tina Fey: Oh… the crocodile hunter everybody…

Jimmy Fallon: Steve Irwin?

Tina Fey: Steve Irwin! The crocodile hunter!

Jimmy Fallon: Wow…

Portland Brewing Company has released a new beer called “Governator” which they say is a tribute to California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The beer is made from ingredients that are in now way qualified to be in a beer.

A Florida man announced plans to open the world’s first Christian nudist colony. The motto will be ‘Jesus look at those jugs…’

Lawyers for David Gest charged that Liza Minnelli has a medical condition that she hid from her former husband. David the vagina is not a condition.

Jimmy Fallon: Tina… are you sure?

Tina Fey: Its not… it’s not a condition.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh wow, ladies and gentleman we have a very special tonight on Update. We’re not sure why he’s here but we felt we couldn’t say no. Ladies and gentleman please, O.J Simpson!

O.J Simpson: Hey, hey! Hey everybody its me, the juice! Haha… hey, thanks for inviting me.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh yeah, no problem.

O.J Simpson: Now earlier this week Pete Rose admitted for the first time that he bet on the game of baseball so that he could become a member in the ‘Baseball Hall Of Fame’. I’ve always wanted to become a member of the ‘Football Hall Of Fame’ so I decided to come clean about something from my past that I have been lying about for a very long time.

Jimmy Fallon: Now wait, O.J this is a big deal are you sure you want to do this?

O.J Simpson: Oh absolutely Jimmy. Anyway, on June 12th 1994, I was feeling very upset about my wife, so I got into my Bronco, put on my glove, I drove across town, and with the rage surging inside of me…

Jimmy Fallon: Now hang on, O.J before you do this, you know that you’re already in the ‘Football Hall Of Fame’ right? You were inducted in 1985.

O.J Simpson: (thinks for a second) Oh yeah, your right!! I am in the ‘Football Hall Of Fame’. Fantastic, okay. Umm… yeah, forget it.

(Phil Spector approaches next to O.J Simpson)

Jimmy Fallon: Oh my god, Phil Spector, what’s going on?

Phil Spector: I got a question, hold on for a second. I was just wondering, uh… am I in the ‘Rock n Roll Hall Of Fame’ already?

Jimmy Fallon: Are you kidding? Of course you are, you’re definitely in it. You’re one of the best.

Phil Spector: Oh, great. Thanks just wanted to know.

(Robert Blake with a bird on his shoulder appears and stands next to Jimmy)

Robert Blake: Hey wait a minute can I ask a question?

Jimmy Fallon: Robert Blake, what are you… uh, this is insane they showed up this evening… nice parrot.

Robert Blake: Thanks a lot. Hey wait a minute; does anyone here know if they have a ‘Hall of Fame’ for actors?

Jimmy Fallon: No, they don’t.

Robert Blake: Terrific, then that’s the name of that tune.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright take it easy, thank you very much. 3 alleged murderers everybody!! 3 alleged murderers…

Actress Kate Hudson gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles on Wednesday finally bringing and end to her 29 month pregnancy.

Tina Fey: It just seemed like its been a long time, that’s all I’m saying.

A 7 year old boy in Cheboygan, Wisconsin had to be rescued by a locksmith this past weekend after getting stuck of a supermarket toy machine. And so begins Michael Jackson’s most recent letter to Penthouse.

The New York City animal control department is giving the Mercian Milan Bit Pit-bull a public relations make over by naming them ‘New Yorkies’. So remember, it’s a New Yorkie, not a pit-bull that’s eating your child’s face.

Tina Fey: Well to support our troops Weekend Update has sent our one man mobile uplink unit Al Franken to Iraq. It’s just after 8am now in Baghdad, and Al is there right now with two of our brave servicemen. Can you hear me Al?

Al Franken: Yes Tina, I’m here in Baghdad, as you can see we’re at the airport base and look around a little bit there, its day light here with an 8 hour time difference. As always I’m here with my 1.3 meter parabolic antenna beaming the signal a satellite with geosynchronous orbit 23,000 miles about Easter Island and then on to you at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Now, with me are 2 troops, 2 soldiers who have been here an awful long time. To my right is (footage blurs our briefly) Tammy Gonzales. His wife gave birth 3 days ago. It’s a beautiful baby girl who he hasn’t had a chance to talk to, and he’d like to do it right here on national television. (The footage blurs out briefly again)

Military guy 1: Hey baby… (The footage cuts out nearly fully, and the screen can’t be seen or heard)

Tina Fey: Al, Al? We lost the feed there Al. We can’t hear the… (The picture comes back)

Al Franken: I don’t know about you Tina but that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard…

Tina Fey: We didn’t hear it!! Al!!

Al Franken: (continuing anyway) And here to my left is… what?

Tina Fey: We couldn’t hear Corporal Gonzales. We didn’t hear it.

Al Franken: (to military guy 1) They didn’t hear you. (to the camera) Basically what Corporal Gonzales said was that he loves his wife… name I can’t remember. And that, uh… his heart is full… or something… of that nature. And to my left is Private Chris, and I won’t move this time. And this Private Chris Sanders, his wife also just gave birth to a baby boy.

Military Guy 2: (shocked) What? That’s impossible, I’ve been out here for a year.

Tina Fey: Oh boy.

Al Franken: Oh… yeah, well anyway, she gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, 8lbs 3oz black baby boy.

Military guy 2: What? That bitch!

Al Franken: The same is to Sean

Military guy 2: I’m gonna kill her…

Al Franken:… Congratulations.

Military guy 2: I can’t believe this, what a whore.

Tina Fey: Al! Ask him his wife’s name we might have the wrong guy.

Al Franken: Hey, is your wife’s name Leticia?

Military guy 2: No, its Abby. I’m gonna kill her.

Al Franken: Oh… well, this is Al Franken in Baghdad, doing my best to boost moral.

Military guy 2: Oh, I knew it that bitch!

Al Franken: Of our young men and women here in fighting in harms way. Back to you Tina. DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW PRIVATE SANDERS? A BLACK PRIVATE SANDERS! HIS WIFE HAD A BABY!

Military guy 2: Oh, what a whore.

Tina Fey: Al Franken! Our one man mobile uplink unit via satellite from Baghdad.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(Jimmy Fallon throws the pencil and the camera fades out)

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

An Address By Donald Trump

Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Jeff Zucker…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: And now, a special message from the star on NBC’s new hit show “The Apprentice” – Donald Trump.

[ dissolve to Donald Trump at desk ]

Donald Trump: Good evening. I’m Donald Trup. If course, most of you know who I am already – because I’m rich.. and I’m handsome. If you’re a man.. you want my life. If you’re a woman.. well.. I’ve got what you want, okay? [ grins ]

I’d like to talk about my new show on NBC – “The Apprentice”. Like everything I do, it’s going to be big, and bold. and sexy, and full of class. Okay? Over the next thirteen weeks, I’ll be looking for someone with an appreciation for the classier things in life – like solid gold telescopes and 40-foot TVs. Okay?

My men contestants: I’m going to be looking for someone handsome – like myself – a real businessman, someone not afraid to kick the other guy in the balls. And the women – I’m not going to lie to you, okay – I’m going to look for long legs, and big knockers. The one that wins will get a job with a huge salary, and a very rare chance to look into my somewhat glamorous lifestyle, with my marble and gold apartment designed after some of the great houses of Iraq. They’ll see my many classy resorts and casinos. This is a true story: I just learned yesterday that my own Taj Mahal in Atlantic City wasn’t the first Taj Mahal – but I guarantee you, it’s the best! Alright? For instance, all this week, you can catch the incomparable Dion & The Belmonts, along with Sha Na Na in the Xanadu Showroom. But.. where was I? Oh, yes. [ snaps finger ] My show. “The Apprentice”.

Of course.. “The Apprentice” is just the beginning. Let’s just face it – NBC is in the crapper. Alright? “Friends” is going soon.. “Seinfeld” is gone.. this is a real devalued property, and I know a thing or two about property. What NBC needs is class. And, let’s face it, nobody alive has more class than me. Alright? When I fixed the Miss Universe Pageant, I said smaller bikinis and higher heels.. well, the same goes for “ER”, alright? For my money, nothing classes up and ER room like a huge, jiggly pair of boobs! And, alright – “Will & Grace”? We need to put a man on that show. Okay? We need to put a man on there, ’cause here you have Megan Mullally, alright, standing there, and I mean, Good God! Somebody’s gotta hit that thing! I think that would be terrific. And what about “Fear Factor”? “Fear Factor”? [ a beat ] I wouldn’t touch it. It’s the classiest show on. I swear to God, it is! But I would not hesitate, however, to yank Brokaw. Alright? In fact, how does “NBC Nightly News with Donald Trump” sound? Good, right? I can be terrific —

[ Jeff Zucker interrupts ]

Jeff Zucker: Whoa, hold up there, Donald.. hold up there, Donald..

Donald Trump: Who is this?

Jeff Zucker: Hi! I’m the President of NBC Entertainment – Jeff Zucker. [ begins wildly motioning his hands and arms ] I just want to say how excited we are at NBC to have Donald Trump as part of our new mid-season line-up! We expect big things from “The Apprentice”, but, of course, this isn’t the Donald Trump Network. [ receving no laughter, pulls a miniature remote from his pocket and presses a button to release canned laughs ] How about we vut this short, and we can return to the regular programming?

Donald Trump: Have you ever been kicked in the balls?

Jeff Zucker: NBC is proud to bring an extinguished and classy gentleman like Donald Trump to the network. So, without further ado, I would just say —

Donald Trump: Oh no, no, no! Don’t you dare! No one is gonna stop Donald Trump from saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”.

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Britney Spears Wedding

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Britney Spears Wedding

Britney Spears…..Jennifer Aniston
Jason Alexander…..Jimmy Fallon
Minister…..Rachel Dratch

(“Oops, I Did It Again” plays over shots of People magazine with the headline “Is She Over the Edge? Britney’s wild wedding, her furious family, what really happened–and what’s next”, Star magazine: Britney Gets Hitchneyed! Her Mystery Grows, Why She Did It, Her Family’s Reaction, Her Quickie Annulment, Us Weekly: Britney Spears: Out of control. New shocking wedding details. All night partying. Public tears. Why pop’s former good girl is suddenly so bad, and AOL’s welcome screen: What Was She Thinking?)

(Sweeping shot of Las Vegas with a super: “Las Vegas, New Year’s Eve 2003”)

(Shot of Britney drinking and Jason, both sitting on a couch)

Britney Spears: Well, this is fun.

Jason Alexander: Yeah, hotels are fun. Las Vegas is fun. Yeah, you and I get along good.

Britney Spears: Oh my God, I know!

Jason Alexander: You mean that?

Britney Spears: Yeah, I do!

Jason Alexander: Really?

Britney Spears: Yeah, I mean it!

Jason Alexander: I mean, you really mean that?

Britney Spears: Oh, I mean it!

Jason Alexander: For real?

Britney Spears: For real!

(Time elapses while “Oops” plays)

(Two hours later, Britney is lying on the couch, Jason is still sitting)

Jason Alexander: You really, really mean that?

Britney Spears: I mean it, I mean it, I mean it, I mean it. You sooo get me.

Jason Alexander: What do you like best about me?

Britney Spears: Well, um, I like that we both like to drink peach snots. Oh my God! Did you hear what I just said?

Jason Alexander: You said the wrong word!

Britney Spears: I said the wrong word! I said peach snots and I meant snot, shot, schnapps! That’s what I meant! (Jason laughs) Oh my God, I can’t believe I said that!

Jason Alexander: You said the word you didn’t plan on saying! You said a different word all together.

Britney Spears: Oh, that’s so funny! I can’t breathe, that’s so funny! (she rolls on the couch laughing and her Von Dutch baseball cap falls off) Wait, I lost my hat and everything!

Jason Alexander: You’ve gotta have the Von Dutch.

Britney Spears: I have to have it. Come on then.

Jason Alexander: Hey, call, that was funny stuff!

Britney Spears: I’ve gotta call someone. Let me call someone.

Jason Alexander: You said the wrong word out of your mouth that you thought was something else!

Britney Spears: Oh, that’s too funny! Come on. (tries to dial her cell phone) Oh, no, I can’t–I can’t even focus, I can’t even dial. I’m laughing too, I’m laughing–no! (falls off the couch)

(time elapses as “Oops” plays)

(Five minutes later, they’re both sitting on the couch. Britney is smoking, Jason is drinking.)

(time elapses as “Oops” plays)

(One hour later, they’re making out on the couch.)

Britney Spears: Mmm, I’m so, I’m so, I’m so —

Jason Alexander: Wait, wait, I’ve got a surprise for you.

Britney Spears: What?

Jason Alexander: I found your teeth-whitening gum! (pulls gum out of back pocket)

Britney Spears: What? You did, where?

Jason Alexander: Under the mini-bar.

Britney Spears: You found my teeth-whitening gum! (laughter)

Jason Alexander: Under the mini-bar, I found them earlier.

Britney Spears: Oh, and I thought I’d lost it forever.

Jason Alexander: Yeah, I guess I found it.

Britney Spears: Oh, my God. Y’all, come on. (gasps) This is a sign. Y’all, let’s get married.

(Jason looks confused) (laughter)

(Time elapses as “Oops” plays)

(Five minutes later, they’re at a wedding chapel, holding hands.)

Minister: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may.. kiss the bride.

(Jason and Britney smile and then make out. Britney breaks off the kiss.)

Britney Spears: Oh, did you just burp?

Jason Alexander: No, I think I’d know if I burped!

Britney Spears: Oh, y’all, you just burped on my wedding kiss! You are so gross!

(One second elapses while we hear “Oops!”)

(Britney has her arms crossed)

Britney Spears: I want an annulment. (laughter)

Minister: I need an aspirin.

Jason Alexander: But baby, you’re my melody!

(Spears’ “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” plays)

Britney Spears: Jason, Jason, you’ve changed. You burped. I can try to get past it, but-but it’s obvious that your brain is just a little younger than mine. Now, can anybody please just tell me where there’s a good after-hours club in Vegas, ‘cause this place sucks! (walks off)

Jason Alexander: Kentwood High School football rules!

(Minister nods at him politely) (cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Country Roses

Voiceover…..Chris Parnell
Lynn Anderson…..Amy Poehler
Phoebe Lynn Shackelford…..Amy Poehler
Earline Oliver…..Amy Poehler
Jeannie C. Riley…..Rachel Dratch
Joyce Ann Smittle…..Rachel Dratch
Donna Fargo…..Maya Rudolph
Pam Smidley…..Maya Rudolph
Dana Jean Harley…..Jennifer Aniston

V/O: Remember when country was almost cool? Well, CMT Records is proud to present “Country Roses”-a four-disc collection featuring some of the greatest female vocalists ever to stand in front of wood paneling and sing. You’ll get artists like Lynn Anderson…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Rose Garden” Lynn Anderson]

Lynn Anderson: (singing) I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden…

V/O: Jeannie C. Riley…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Harper Valley P.T.A” Jeannie C. Riley]

Jeannie C. Riley: (singing) The day my mama socked it to the Harper Valley P.T.A….

V/O: Donna Fargo…

[On Bottom of Screen: “The Happiest Girl in the Whole USA” Donna Fargo]

Donna Fargo: (singing) I’m the happiest girl in the whole USA…

V/O: And the late, great Dana Jean Harley…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Rumors” Dana Jean Harley]

Dana Jean Harley: (singing) I’ve been hearing all around town that you’ve been lovin’ my man. Well I’ll crack your jaw with a baseball bat, throw you in a garbage can….

V/O: Phoebe Lynn Shackelford…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Sweet Corn Memories” Phoebe Lynn Shackelford]

Phoebe Lynn: (singing) Sweet, sweet memories of my mama boiling corn…

V/O: Joyce Ann Smittle…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Snowflakes” Joyce Ann Smittle]

Joyce Ann Smittle: (talk-singing) She said “Mama, why are there snowflakes?” and I said, “Crystal, because of you…”

V/O: And Dana Jean Harley…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Cleaning House” Dana Jean Harley]

Dana Jean Harley: (singing) When I told my husband to take out the trash, I sure as hell didn’t mean you. So pull up your panties and get out of my kitchen before you wake up my kids…

V/O: Earline Oliver…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Ain’t Nothin’ Cuter” Earline Oliver]

Earline Oliver: (singing) Ain’t nothing cuter than a fat country baby eatin’ peaches off a hard wood floor…

V/O: And Dana Jean Harley…

[On Bottom of Screen: “25 Times” Dana Jean Harley]

Dana Jean Harley: (singing) If I told you once, I told you twenty-five times get your hands off my husband’s.. (drops microphone before we hear her say “Penis”, picks up microphone again, speaking) I’m talking to you Pam Smidley!

V/O: Pam Smidley….

[On Bottom of Screen: “I’m The Other Woman (Runnin’)” Pam Smidley]

Pam Smidley: (singing) I’m runnin’, runnin’ from an angry woman. Runnin’ from Dana Jean Harley…

V/O: A rare duet between Pam Smidley and Dana Jean Harley…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Here We Go Again (A-B-O-R…)” Pam Smidley, Dana Jean Harley]

Pam and Dana: (singing) I guess I’ll have another A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N

V/O: “Country Roses”…order now! Due to graphic content, Country Roses will not be sold to minors or miners.

(fade)

Submitted by: Erin

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Paparazzi Photographers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Paparazzi Photographers

Photographer #1…..Jennifer Aniston
Photographer #2…..Amy Poehler
Steven Seagal…..Jimmy Fallon

(Drumroll plays over a shot of the “Hollywood” sign, fading to stock footage of paparazzi and stars on a red carpet, fading to two photographers in the front of a large crowd of photographers)

(Julia Roberts walks by, back facing the camera)

Photographer #1: Julia! Julia! Hey Julia, where’s Danny?

Photographer #2: Julia, congratulations on “Mona Lisa Smile”! Julia!

Photographer #1: Yeah, I really love that dress, Julia!

Photographer #2: Beautiful. Can we see the back, Julia. Turn around.

Photographer #1: Hey, point to your belly like you’re pregnant, huh? Thank you, thank you!

Photographer #2: Thank you, Julia! She’s a friend, she’s a friend.

Photographer #1: Really? You know her?

Photographer #2: Yeah, I met her like two years ago at her New Mexico ranch. She was taking the trash out and I was in her trash can.

Photographer #1: Wow.

(Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher walk by, followed by Bruce Willis and three young girls)

All: Demi! Demi!

Photographer #2: Can we get you and Ashton together, you guys look great!

Photographer #1: Yeah, hey Bruce, you get in there, too!

Photographer #2: Get in there, Bruce! Beautiful! Scout, Rumer, the other one, get in there!

Photographer #1: Hey, Bruce, Bruce, rub your dukes like you’re looking like you’re mad.

Photographer #2: Great dukes, Bruce, great dukes. Alright, Bruce, get out of there!

Photographer #1 & #2: Get out of there, Bruce.

Photographer #1: Hey, hey, Demi, can you pick up Ashton and hold him like a baby? (laughter) Beautiful.

Photographer #2: Ashton, suck your thumb! Suck your thumb, Ashton.

Photographer #1: Yeah, suck your thumb! Boo! Boo, Ashton, suck your thumb!

Photographer #2: Boo! Boo, Ashton, you’re no fun!

Photographer #1: Really.

Photographer #2: I tell you something, I made forty grand off those guys last week.

Photographer #1: Damn, really?

Photographer #2: Yeah, I was in the ivy at the Ivy, and I got ‘em on the telephoto. She’s yawning, but it looks like they’re having a fight.

Photographer #1: Awesome.

Photographer #2: Yeah, we’re friends, you know.

All: Verne! Mini-Me! Mini-Me!

(A woman walks by with Mini-Me, back facing the camera.)

Photographer #1: Look up here, buddy. Up here, little man. Great, thank you.

Photographer #2: Great, who’s the lady, Mini-Me? Who’s the lady? Squat down, lady, squat down.

Photographer #1: Yeah, honey can you pick him up? Pick him up like he’s your baby. Beautiful.

All: Thank you, Mini-Me, thank you lady, thank you.

Photographer #2: Finally, somebody professional.

Photographer #1: Really.

(Beyonce Knowles walks by, shaking her butt to the camera)

All: Beyonce! Beyonce!

Photographer #2: Beyonce, let me see the butt Beyonce! Beautiful. Shake it!

Photographer #1: Point to it!

Photographer #2: Make it bounce, Beyonce, make it bee-younce, Beyonce. (P#2 bounces her butt to demonstrate) Boo!

Photographer #1: Why won’t she do it?

Photographer #2: Boo, Beyonce! Make it bee-younce!

Photographer #1: Boo! C’mon!

Photographer #2: God that dress was short.

Photographer #1: Tell me about it.

Photographer #2: You know, it could be a gold mine. We’ll be rich if these pictures come back with a little glimpse of Beyonce bouche.

Photographer #1: Oh, man, I know. One time, I was, uh, shooting Pierce Brosnan on the beach, and one of his nads drooped out of his swim trunks. That thing bought me my house.

Photographer #2: Nice, great. Oh, Jennifer!

All: Jennifer Aniston! Jennifer! Jennifer!

(Jennifer Aniston walks by, back facing camera)

Photographer #1: Hey, where’s Brad?

Photographer #2: What are you wearing Jennifer Aniston, where’s Brad?

Photographer #1: Yeah, when are you gonna have a baby?

Photographer #2: Are the Friends really friends?

Photographer #1: When are you gonna have a baby?!

Photographer #2: What are you gonna do when Friends is over?

Photographer #1: When are you gonna have a baby?!! (laughter)

Photographer #2: Hey, you and Brad, you guys love Mexican food, right? I always catch you guys coming out of Las Cantinas. (To P#1) She looks terrible.

Photographer #1: I know, I think she has a drug problem. (laughter and applause)

All: Kirstie! Kirstie Alley!

Photographer #2: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Photographer #1: Oh, uh-oh, that’s not Kirstie Alley.

Photographer #2: No. Sorry, uh, Steven! Steven Seagal!

Photographer #1: I’m sorry, I’m sorry!

(Seagal steps in front of them and puts his hands over their camera lenses)

Photographer #1: C’mon, we’re sorry!

Photographer #2: We thought you were Kirstie Alley.

(Seagal walks off)

Photographer #1: Yeah, we didn’t mean it. We didn’t mean it!

Photographer #2: Just be cool, okay? I’m just doing my job, all right? That’s all I’m trying to do.

(Seagal does a high-kick aimed at her camera) (audience ooohs)

Photographer #1: I got a picture of you doing that!

Photographer #2: I will see you in court, Kirstie Alley!

All: Judi! Dame Judi Dench! Judi!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Judi, hey give us a little peace sign, huh Jude?

Photographer #2: We love your work, Dame Judi. Now, jump up and down. You’re a great actress, jump up and down. Good. Thank you.

Photographer #1: Hey, look, there’s little Mini-Me, he’s back.

Photographer #2: Oh, hey, Mini-Me.

Photographer #1: Oh, Mini-Me, what are you doing? Hey, hey, hey, Judi, can you get down on all fours, let Mini-Me ride you. (laughter) That’s great, beautiful.

Photographer #2: Beautiful. Mini-Me, Mini-Me, run under Judi’s dress like you’re a little mouse!

Photographer #1: Yeah, Judi, come on honey. Beautiful. Do something funny, Judi. Yeah, like, grab your boobs or something. Nice.

Photographer #2: Nice, Dame Judi, thank you. (to P#1) I tell you something, I just saw some of Dame Judi’s nip.

Photographer #1: No way!

Photographer #2: Yes!

Photographer #1: Mother effing jackpot! (they high-five) Wooo!

All: Hey, Trista, Ryan!

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Phone Sex

Operator #1…..Rachel Dratch
Operator #2…..Maya Rudolph
Jean…..Jennifer Aniston
David…..Will Forte
Mr. Carruthers…..Chris Parnell
Frank…..Fred Armisen
Alan…..Kenan Thompson

[ pan across fraudulent phone sex operators taking advantage of undersexed gentlemen over the phones ]

Operator #1: [ reading a magazine ] Oh, yeah.. yeah, you like that, don’t oyu? I bet you do! Oh, give it to me —

Operator #2: [ filing her nails ] Hi, Jack, this Georgia. Ooh, yeahhh —

Jean: [ cleaning her cubicle, as the phone rings ] Oh! Hiii, this is Candy. Who’s this?

David: Hi, uh.. this is David. I’m calling for the.. Raw Talk.

Jean: Ohhhhh.. you sound hot, David. Are you feeling hot?

David: Oh, yeah!

Jean: Me, too. And you know what I want? I want to run my hands down, and feel your tushy!

David: My, uh —

Jean: Yeah! Let me feel that tush! You like that, right? You like when I lay my hand on your.. tuckus?

David: I, uh.. I.. guess..

Jean: You want to feel my tuckus, baby? Oohh, that’s right! You’re my weiner man, you know that, right? Wave your little tinkler next to my caboose, weiner man!

David: [ hangs up ]

Jean: [ startled ] Hello?

[ Mr. Carruthers steps forward ]

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. Can I speak with you for a second?

Jean: Hi! Well, hello, Mr. Carruthers!

Mr. Carruthers: I thought we should take a moment to chat about your performance.

Jean: My performance?

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. Our customers pay a pretty hefty fee to call the Raw Line, and they expect – I’d go so far as to say they count on – raw, unbridled sex talk.

Jean: Oh.. okay.

Mr. Carruthers: Tinkler? Not raw. Not raw, at all.

Jean: Oh.

Mr. Carruthers: No, these guys want to hear your deep, darkest secrets.

Jean: Okay. Okay, Mr. Carruthers. Sure thing!

Mr. Carruthers: Alright, good girl.

Jean: You got it!

Mr. Carruthers: Carry on. [ exits ]

Jean: Okay.

[ phone rings ]

Jean: Oh! Hi! Hi.. this is Candy. Who’s this?

Frank: This is Frank.

Jean: Do you want to get.. totally raw?

Frank: Oh, yeah!

Jean: You know what I want to do, hot stuff? I want to inspect your worm. [ chuckles at her creativity ]

Frank: [ taken aback, but hanging on ] Oh.

Jean: Really. I want to go really raw on you.. baby. Yes! My sister has a lot of hospital bills, and I’m going to do crazy, explicit things! I need money for her operation!

Frank: Gee.. that is.. that is horrible!

Jean: Yeah! Yeah! Rub my keister!

Frank: You know what? Uh.. I’m sorry.. I have to go.. [ hangs up ]

Jean: What? Oh. He finished fast.

[ Mr. Carruthers returns ]

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. [ clears throat ]

Jean: Yes? Oh, hi, Mr. Carruthers!

Mr. Carruthers: I was just monitoring your call. Now, you told people that your sister is in the hospital?

Jean: Well, yes. You said to tell my dark secrets, Mr. Carruthers.

Mr. Carruthers: Okay. I did tell you that, and I was wrong.

Jean: Oh?

Mr. Carruthers: Uh.. I should have been more specific.

Jean: Uhhh..

Mr. Carruthers: Look – now, if you don’t know what to say.. just let the customer say what he wants.

Jean: Okay!

Mr. Carruthers: Very good. [ exits ]

[ the phone rings ]

Jean: Hi. This is Candy. Who’s this?

Alan: [ with eyes shifting ] Uh.. Alan..

Jean: Well.. “Alan”.. why don’t you.. tell me what you want.

Alan: Uh, well.. I’d really like for you to.. [ afraid to ask ] ..touch my hiney.

Jean: Your hiney? Oh! Are you my weiner man?

Alan: [ comfortable at last ] Yes! Yes, baby, I am your weiner man!

Jean: Are you?

Alan: Yeah!

Jean: Oh, yeah!

Alan: Yeah!

Jean: Oh, baby!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts