Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, Jennifer Aniston!
[audience cheers and applauds]
Jennifer Aniston: Alright, thank you, thank you. I’m so excited to be here for my second time.
[Aniston holds up 4 fingers, 2 on each hand]
Jennifer Aniston: That was four….This is the first show of 2004.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Jennifer Aniston: And, uh, this is gonna be, this is actually gonna be a really big year for me. You know, and the biggest thing is, I’m sure all of you have heard, I’m re-doing my kitchen.
[audience laughs]
Jennifer Aniston: No, no, I’m kidding. That was last year. Actually, no, it’s the last season of “Friends”. And there’s been a lot of talk about how the show’s going to end and we’ve had a hard time keeping it a secret. So, you know, to keep the audience guessing, we’ve shot a bunch of different endings. And, uh, you guys wouldn’t want to see one, would you?
[audience cheers and applauds loudly]
Jennifer Aniston: I am SO not supposed to do this, you know, but what the hell? Just roll the tape, let’s look at it.
[Fade out to a 5-second “Friends” opening. To Central Perk, where the “Friends” gang is sitting around the coffee table]
Phoebe: Wow, I can’t belive my wedding’s today! I just, I love that word. Wed-ding. Because it ends with a ding. You know… ding.
Monica: Hey, you guys, this is a pretty big day for Chandler and me. We adopted our baby today.
Chandler: Could I be… any more excited?
Monica: I guess you have some news too, right, Rach?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, right. News. I got big news. Well, let see. Ross… Joey? Okay, well listen, I finally made my choice between you guys.
Joey: Uuuh, really?
Ross: Well.. [clears throat] who’s it gonna be, Rach? [clears throat]
Rachel: Okay, I love you both very, very much, you know that. But, Ross, I pick you.
Ross: I’m so happy, Rach.
Joey: That’s great. Wish you guys all the best.
[Joey stands and begins heading toward the door]
Rachel: Thanks, Joe.
Ross: Thanks, Joe.
Rachel: See ya, Joe.
Everyone: Bye, Joey.
[from outside, a gun cocks, and a gun shot is heard]
[fade to end credits]
[dissolve back to the main SNL stage ]
Jennifer Aniston: That ending was certainly final. Oh oh oh gosh.
[rushes to remove the coat she was in during the skit]
Jennifer Aniston: We couldn’t use that one, because Matt LeBlanc has a spin-off called Joey and I guess, you know, you can’t be “dead” in a spin-off. Yeah whatever. But, we’re probably just gonna do the ending where Rachel’s heart is broken by Ross because he finally comes out of the closet.
[she gasps]
Jennifer Aniston: Oh! … Anyway, we have a great show! The Black Eyed Peas are here! So stick around and we will be right back!
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers Joe Lieberman…..Chris Parnell Dennis Kucinich…..Amy Poehler Richard Gephardt…..Darrell Hammond John Edwards…..Chris Parnell Gen. Wesley Clark…..Jimmy Fallon Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
John Kerry: Good evening, America. I’m Sen. John Kerry. Starting with the Iowa caucus on January 19th, Democrats will have officially began the process of selecting their candidate for the 2004 Presidential election. And, to be perfectly honest, things are not looking very good.. for me.
Joe Lieberman: Or me.. Joe Lieberman.
Dennis Kucinich: Or me.. Dennis Kucinich!
Dick Gephardt: Or even me.. Dick Gephardt! See, despite our best efforts, Howard Dean continues to be the Democratic frontrunner. Sure, he was successful as a governor, but.. how hard can it be to run Vermont? You wake up, you have some Ben & Jerry’s, you check out the maple syrup plant, you go to sleep!
John Edwards: Whereas, we have lots of fine qualities to recommend us.
Dick Gephardt: For instance – experience! This is my 19th time running for President.
John Kerry: Or personality. Some people think I’m consdescending. Not true. I actually just have an offputting sense of entitlement.
Gen. Wesley Clark: And I’m a four-star general in a cashmere turtleneck – ladies, what more could you ask for?
John Edwards: And I’m cute! [ grins playfully ]
Rev. Al Sharpton: I’m like a real-life Chris Rock movie!
Dennis Kucinich: Willie Nelson wrote a song about me.
Joe Lieberman: And I’m blond all over. Look.. this primary shouldn’t even be about our qualifications, it should be about Dean’s shortcomings. He called the Iowa caucuses a sham. He sealed his records as governor. He even claimed that Osama bin Laden might not be guilty. This is quality stuff, America.. and, you’re not going for it.. well, I’ve had it.. and, you know what? I hope George Bush wins! That’ll show you!
John Edwards: Now, Joe —
Joe Lieberman: No, it’s serious!
Gen. Wesley Clark: Let him be – ten-hut!!
[ Edwards stands in position ]
Gen. Wesley Clark: What can we do to make you people stop liking this guy? I mean, we can say he’s too conservative – hell, I’m a registered Republican.
John Kerry: Look, the point is.. in a few months, when George Bush is calling Howard Dean a “short-tempered liberal, who will use middle-class tax increases to fund his gay Vermont wedding to Saddam Hussein”, it’s going to sound very familiar. That’s because we’re saying it right now. So why wait to lose faith in him then? We can lose faith in him now. It’s the least you can do for us – or America. But mostly.. for us. Seriously. I quit my job for this.
[ show title card ]
Announcer: Paid for by the Democratic National Committee.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 29: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests:
January 10th, 2004 Jennifer Aniston Black Eyed Peas Al FrankenAn Address By Donald TrumpSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) discusses his new reality show. Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Jeff Zucker. Transcript
Montage
Jennifer Aniston’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Aniston shows a fake clip of the final episode of “Friends”, in which a dejected Joey (Horatio Sanz) takes his own life. Transcript
Paparazzi PhotographersSummary: Paparazzi photographers (Amy Poehler, Jennifer Aniston) harrass and photograph celebrities. Recurring Characters: Paparazzi Photographer. Transcript
Britney Spears WeddingSummary: Britney Spears (Jennifer Aniston) marries and divorces her buddy, Jason Alexander (Jimmy Fallon). Recurring Characters: Britney Spears. Transcript
GaystrogenSummary: The pill that prevents middle-aged homosexuals from losing their gay sex drive. Note: Repeat from 10/18/03.
Democratic National CommitteeSummary: Democratic candidates doubt their capabilities. Recurring Characters: Wesley Clark, John Edwards, Richard Gephardt, John Kerry, Joe Lieberman, Al Sharpton. Transcript
Black Eyed Peas performs “Where Is The Love?”Bio: American hip-hop group Black Eyed Peas are will.i.am, Apl.de.ap, Taboo, and Fergie.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Steve Irwin (Jeff Richards) mixes up his baby with a chicken. Jimmy Fallon stops O.J. Simpson (Finesse Mitchell) from confessing. One man mobile uplink unit Al Franken interviews troops in Baghdad. Recurring Characters: Steve Irwin, O.J. Simpson. Transcript
Saddam Calls OsamaSummary: Saddam Hussein (Horatio Sanz) makes an unfunny phone call to Osama bin Laden (Jimmy Fallon). Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden.
Country RosesSummary: Country artists (Jennifer Aniston, Maya Rudolph) compete for the same man in a compilation album. Transcript
Coco & Matsui Super ShowSummary: Japanese hosts Coco (Maya Rudolph) and Matsui (Fred Armisen) weep at Jennifer Aniston’s presence. Recurring Characters: Coco, Matsui.
Black Eyed Peas performs “Hey Mama”
Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: Country bumpkins have a series of strange injuries treated. Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.
Phone SexSummary: A nerdy operator (Jennifer Aniston) doesn’t know how to talk dirty to her clients. Transcript
Megan…..Maya Rudolph Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch Greg…..Elijah Wood Mr. B…..Heratio Sanz
Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for “Wake Up Wakefield”; fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.
Megan: It’s 7:55 a.m. and we are live from the Audio-Visual department here in room 312. I’m your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host Sheldon.
Sheldon: [ awkwardly ] Hey.
Megan: As always, we are joined by Jazz Times Ten.
[ Camera shows the band, only six people are shown ]
Sheldon: Sounding cherry as always. You guys can blow. We’ll be hearing from them later in the program.
Megan: That’s right Sheldon, cuz today’s show is all about music – musical taste, musical styles, and rising stars such as my fav-or-ite singer and live-in lover-to-be, Mr. Clayton Grissom Aiken. [ Holds up picture collage of Clay ] Sup Freckles? I love you. [ Licks poster ]
Sheldon: Um, in honor of Music Day, we conducted a poll of Wakefield students’ fave bands of 2003. I think the results will surprise you. 177 of you chose Eminem, who, by the way, doesn’t even play an instrument.
Megan: ..Or sing like an angel. Eminem is like the poor man’s cursing Clay Aiken.
Sheldon: 164 people voted for Fountains of Wayne. Psh, flash in the pan you guys. Um, 97 of you said your favorite band was, Clay Aiken.
Megan: That’s weird. Like 10 of those votes weren’t even me.
Sheldon: Six people voted for Jazz Times Ten.
[ Camera goes over to them who are throwing up peace signs ]
And rounding off the bottom with one vote is – Yo Yo Ma. Good taste my friend. Whoever you are, I salute you. [ Salutes ]
Megan: Sheldon won an award for his Yo Yo Ma website.
[ Awkward pause ]
Sheldon: Ok, our guest today is a good friend of mine. He and I have been tight since 4th grade computer camp when we rigged our Playstation One to steal cable – Heavy days, crazy nights. You probably know him as the trumpet player for Jazz Times Ten. Please welcome, Greg Scheidemantle.
[ Greg walks into camera view while playing the trumpet then takes a seat next to Megan ]
Megan: Hey Greg, thanks for being on the show.
Greg: Hey Megan, thanks for having me. Hey Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hey. So, Scheidy, you’re probably one of the top three middle school-aged trumpet players in the state; who are your influences?
Greg: Ah, hell, you know: Miles Davis, Chet Baker, Sum 41.
Sheldon: Cool.
Megan: Um, I have a question. If you could play trumpet on any person’s album, who would it be?
Greg: I guess I’d have to say Britney Spears, because, even thought she can’t sing, the view from the bandstand would be pretty sweet.
Sheldon: Scheidy, you push the envelope Scheidy.
Megan: See, that’s weird, cuz, I would’ve picked someone who’s good at singing, like, I dunno, Clay Aiken. And I’d show up at the studio and he’d be like, “Hey, you have pretty hair.” And I’d be like, [ Plays with hair ] “What?” And he’d be like, “Do you wanna go have a romantic dinner?” And I’d be like “Ok.” And he’d be like “Lemme call my limo and [ singing ] if you told me this is what Heaven is, you would be right!”
[ Mr. B walks on camera ]
Mr. B: Hey kids! How ya doin?
[ Kids say Hi ]
Sorry to interrupt the show, but since it’s the last day before winter break, I just wanted to remind everybody to clear out any food you may have in your desks. Take it from me – last year I left a half-eaten plate of Weight Watchers Lasagna in my office, come January 4th, my desk had all this weird stuff on it. I thought they were chocolate sprinkles – They were mouse poops.
Megan: Eww, okay.
Mr. B: Yeah, and I got real sick from eating them too. Don’t invite the pests, clean out your desks! I’m gonna pop-lock out of here! [ Pop-locks ] Grr, Grr, Grrama, Grramma, Grandma got ran over by a reindeer! Merry Christmas everybody!
Sheldon: So Scheidy, what’s next for Jazz Times Ten?
Greg: Shoot, you know how we do. We’re giggin a lot over the holidays. We’ll be at Sunnyvale Mall this Friday at 8:40 a.m. Saturday; we’re doin an 11 minute set at Westchester Key’s Assisted Living Center. Saturday night we’ll just be free-form jamming in Tom Snidely’s carport.
[ Camera goes over to Jazz Times Ten and Tom throws up Peace sign ]
Sheldon: Alright, I hate to put you on the spot bro, but, uh, can you do that horse whining you did at the end of “Sleigh Ride” at the winter concert?
[ Greg does horse whine on trumpet ]
Megan: Cool, that sounds like a real horse.
Greg: And it’s hella hard to do too.
Megan: You kinda look like Justin Guarini from “American Idol”. You know who else is from “American Idol”? Clay Aiken. Speaking of Clay Aiken, I have a question. Have you heard Clay Aiken’s album? And if so, tell me why you like it.
Greg: I think it’s pretty good. I like his phrasing on “Bridge over Troubled Water”. [ Sings ] Like a bridge over trou-bled wa-ter.
Megan: Whoa, you’re like Clay Aiken, except, here physically in front of me. This brings out many feelings. Your eyes are blue like Polar Ice Gatorade.
Greg: ..So I’ve been told.
Sheldon: [ Shakes head ] No, this isn’t happening. No.
Greg: Why don’t you stop by Snidely’s carport and watch us jam?
Sheldon: [ Continues shaking head ] No —
Megan: [ Nervously ] Ok.
Greg: Cool.
Sheldon: Well, that’s all the time we have today. Signing off, I am Sheldon. [ Salutes ]
Megan: [Looks around nervously and thinks ] I don’t know who I am anymore!
Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph Boy George…..Elijah Wood Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer: Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
(Does a close-up of Donatella in a chimney wiggling her legs, then she steps out)
Donatella Versace: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. What the frig? Jiminy Christmas, that chimney is dirtier than Elton John’s fudge tunnel! Hello, I’m Donatella Versace. Are you looking for something to put your booze in this Christmas? Well how about egg nog, by Donatella Versace?
(Walks over and sits down on a couch. Two men come behind the couch holding trays. One is holding a wine glass, the other is holding a bottle of egg nog.)
Donatella Versace: I know what you’re thinking. Designer egg nog, who wants that? You do smartass! My egg nog is just like crappy old egg nog, except I infused it with a hint of nicotine, and a little bit of self-tanner. Cheers. (Takes a sip of egg nog from glass, and spits it out) Oh wait, I forgot. I don’t swallow food! Well here’s someone else you can trust when it comes to egg nog, BOY GEORGEEEEEEEE!
(Elijah walks out in a suit, is bald, and his face is almost completely covered in black and red face paint. He and Donatella kiss each other on both cheeks)
Boy George: Ooh. I love this egg nog. I’ve been waiting my whole life for a designer to make egg nog.
(Donatella looks over at him)
Versace: Ahhhhhhhhh! What’s wrong with your face?!
Boy George: Oh. Isn’t it fantastic?
Donatella Versace: Give me a minute…I’m thinking…still thinking…oh wait I got it…NO!
Boy George: Do you know what else I love?
Donatella Versace: I’m on pins and needles.
Boy George: Donatella Versace’s egg nog.
Donatella Versace: Ooh. So don’t just stand there in the crazy, sing something you creep.
(Boy George music plays)
Boy George: (singing) “Does this egg nog want to hurt me? Does this egg nog want to make me cry?”
Donatella Versace: Sing to me egg nog some more, come on.
(Boy George music plays)
Boy George: (singing) “I’ll tumble for nog, I’ll tumble for nog I’ll tumble for Versace Egg Nog.”
Donatella Versace: Have you got anything else?
(Boy George music plays)
Boy George: (singing) “Dona, Dona, Dona, Donatella Versace Egg Nog, It comes and goes, it comes and goes.”
(Rosie O’Donnell walks in unsuspected carrying a bottle of Versace Egg Nog)
Rosie O’Donnell: Did somebody say egg nog?!
Donatella Versace: Oh no. Rosie O’Donnell, are you here to sue me or adopt me?
Rosie O’Donnell: Hey Donatella, I’m producing Boy George in my new musical Taboo. The only thing that can relieve that kind of stress is gulping down gallons and gallons of Versace Egg Nog.
(Turns bottle upside-down into mouth, and egg nog spills all over Rosie’s clothes)
Donatella Versace: You know…Rosie…
Boy George: Cheers.
Donatella Versace: You know Rosie, I mean this from the bottom of my heart I really do, you are one crazy Dona-bumper. Now both of you please, GET OUT!!!! No wait, no don’t, stay.
(Boy George and Rosie come back to Donatella’s side)
(Announcer singing)
Announcer: “Star show Christmas ride, with Versace Egg Nog!”
Donatella Versace: And tell your old egg nog to…get out.
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey John Mayer…..Jimmy Fallon Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph Bobby-Christina Brown…..Kenan Thompson Bobby Brown…..Finesse Mitchell
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Tina Fey: Hi, Im Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: Im Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonights top stories.
Al Gore, this week, officially endorsed Howard Dean for President. The news was extremely disappointing to Joe Lieberman and Howard Dean.
Last Sunday marked the 62nd Anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. President Bush marked the occasion with a White House ceremony, while the Bush twins marked the occasion by downing 8 kamikazes.
Tina Fey: The Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has mortgaged its Cathedral to finance a nearly 90 million dollar settlement with victims of clergy sexual abuse. The Archdiocese said, “I know that seems like a lot of money…but it was worth it.”
It was announced Tuesday that Queen Elizabeth will undergo surgery to remove torn cartilage from her left knee. And then it’s “look out WNBA!”
Jimmy Fallon: Ashton Kutcher says hes ending his series “Punkd”. More bad news for anyone disappointed by this: you’re a moron.
Tina Fey: E! is reporting that Britney Spears has developed a habit of throwing up in club bathrooms after drinking. All part of the mysterious teachings of.. the Kaballah! (creepy music starts the play, and Tina starts making hand gestures)
During a 20/20 interview with Joe and Katherine Jackson when they were asked which one of their 8 children is the most talented, Jackson replied, It would be Michael, it would be Jermaine, and it would be Janet. Then he added, Now if the question was Who was that most talented at refrigerator repair and data processing?, it would be Marlon, Randy, Rebe and Tito.
Tina Fey: And now ladies and gentlemen, Weekend Update is proud to present a special holiday wish from Grammy award winning Recording artist John Mayer.
John Mayer: Thank you very much. Happy holidays everyone. I hope you like this little holiday song I wrote. (begins playing guitar) la blah la blah blah blah la la blah la blah. Ooooh oooooooooooooooh, Ooooh oooooooooooooooh. La blah la blah blah blah la la blah la blah Christmas presents. Thank you, thank you very much.
Tina Fey: John Mayer, everybody. John Mayer!
After being charged with battery this week, Bobby Brown surrendered to police. Brown says hes sorry for hitting his wife Whitney Houston, saying, “but, damn, woman, you just don’t disrespect a man’s sandwich like that!”
President Bush this week reiterated his decision to award lucrative Iraq rebuilding contracts only to countries who participated in the war. Bush said, “Friendly coalition folks risked their lives, and therefore the contracting is going to reflect that.” That’s right. We should reward the brave American businessmen and businesswomen who fought so hard to free Iraq from evil. (patriotic music starts) Let us not forget the brave Halliburton executives that stormed Baghdad , guns at the ready. Or the fearless Nextel CFO who threw himself on a grenade yelling, “Win this for Democracy!” Or the brave platoon of Goldman-Sachs bond traders who patrol the dark alleys of Tikrit rooting out insurgents. Yes, it is these men who deserve the spoils. And it is these men who shall get them! So go screw yourselves, French and German businessmen-American businessmen are the true heroes! (patriotic music stops)
Jimmy Fallon: New Jersey opened its first bear hunt in 33 years Monday, but protesters say there are alternatives to killing the animals including sterilization. After hearing this the bears went.. (makes hand gestures to indicate scales)
Tina Fey: The Food and Drug administration will decide next week whether to allow the so-called “morning after” contraceptive pill to be sold over the counter.
Jimmy Fallon: Not till next week?
Tina Fey: Yeah, thats what I just said, next week.
Jimmy Fallon: So, ah what are we gonna do?
Tina Fey: I dont know, I guess were gonna have this baby. (throws pencil, then crosses arms)
Jimmy Fallon: Two high schools in Portland, Oregon have banned pacifiers over concerns over the drug Ecstasy. Though perhaps a more effective measure would be to ban Ecstasy.
Tina Fey: Now its time for a segment called “Jimmy Fallon Explains What You Did.”
Jimmy Fallon: Thousands of people in Sierra Leone this week rioted when two dwarf comedians took the stage for a show instead of the expected act which was a different dwarf comedy duo. So people of Sierra Leone, heres what you did: you went to see a dwarf comedy duo, and instead you got a different dwarf comedy duo, so you rioted thats what you did.
Tina Fey: This has been “Jimmy Fallon Explains What You Did.”
Jimmy Fallon: A growing number of cities across the countries are presenting a gay-friendly image to lure lesbian and gay travellers, including Philadelphia, Newhaven and Bloomington, Indiana, whose new slogan is “Come Out and Play.” While New Jersey is sticking with their ambiguous slogan: “Suck On This America.”
Tina Fey: Well this week has been a difficult week for singer Whitney Houston. As we said she has had some domestic issues with her husband. But this week she is honoring her commitment to be here tonight.
Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, here with a special holiday treat, please welcome Whitney Houston and her daughter Bobby-Christina Brown.
Whitney: Thank you so very much! Ladies and gentlemen, my daughter Bobby-Christina!! Say hello baby.
Bobby-Christina: Hello.
Whitney: Bobby-Christina is the most beautiful baby in R&B. I love you baby, are you ready? Let’s go baby, stand up straight, take the mic.
(music starts to play)
Whitney: Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go
Bobby-Christina: “Come they told me par-rump-a-pum-pum ”
Whitney: Sing it baby.
Bobby-Christina: “A newborn king to see par-rump-a-pum-pum. Our finest gifts we bring par-rump-a-pum-pum To lay before the king par-rump-a-pum-pum, par-rump-a-pum-pum, par-rump-a-pum-pum So to honor him par-rump-a-pum-pum, when we come ”
Whitney: Special baby (steals the microphone and pushes Bobby-Christina out of the picture then sings the rest of the song)
Bobby: I love you baby!
Whitney: I love you too baby! Ladies and gentlemen, my husband Bobby Brown! Yeah! We had our problems, we had our fights, but we always re-unite, we are like Simon and Garfunkel.
Bobby: Youre my Garfunkel baby
Whitney: Youre my Garfunkel baby!! (they stretch arms out to each other) I would like to kiss my husband right now, but the police says he must stay at least 6 feet away from me at all times.
Bobby: At ALL times
Whitney: Oh baby
Bobby-Christina: Mommy, are we going to sing some more?
Whitney: No we gotta go baby, Im really high right now. Mommy is flying, get your coat.
Bobby-Christina: Yes mommy.
Tina Fey: The Brown family everybody!
Whitney Houston: Merry Christmas everybody!
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Jimmy Fallon: Merry Christmas! (throws his pencil to the camera)
Anouncer: This Christmas on Bravo: you’ll never guess who the Fab Five are making over!
[ Queer Eye cast members enter Santa Claus’ workshop and surround him ]
Jai Rodriguez: Oh, my God! Look at this place, it’s a dump!
Ted Allen: Hmm.. what is this? [ holds up a whip ]
Thom Filicia: Uh-oh! Houston, we have a pervert!
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! That’s Rudolph’s whip!
Carson Kressley: Lucky Rudolph! [ giggles ]
[ Kyan Douglas and Jai Rodriguez surround Santa Claus, touching his beard ]
Santa Claus: Ho ho haw! Oh, boy! I’m very uncomfortable..
Announcer: This Tuesday, the guys from “Queer Eye” drop in on ol’ Kris Kringle and become Santa’s little helpers – Santa’s little gay helpers!
[ SUPER: “Jai Rodriguez: Culture” ]
Jai Rodriguez: I want you to take time out, to make eye contact with your wife. Okay?
Santa Claus: Sure.
Jai Rodriguez: Let’s practice our eye contact, right now!
[ Jai stares intensely at an uncomfortable Santa Claus ]
Santa Claus: Okay, I got it.. anything else?
Jai Rodriguez: Nooo.. that’s about all I do!
Announcer: Wait until Little Carson takes a peek into Santa’s closet. Will he be naughty, or nice?
[ SUPER: “Carson Kressley: Fashion” ]
Carson Kressley: Red suits.. red suits.. This closet’s full of red suits! What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho!
Carson Kressley: Yeah, this is like Nancy Reagan’s maternity wear! I mean, there’s nothing here to jsss! I can’t jsss anything! So, just jsss! Jsss! Jsss! Jsss! Feed this to the reindeer – bye!
Announcer: America’s favorite homosexuals take on ol’ Saint Nick. Will this holiday season ever be the same?
[ SUPER: “Kyan Douglas: Grooming” ]
Kyan Douglas: How long have you had the beard?
Santa Claus: Well, let’s see… 1,700 years!
Kyan Douglas: I want you to think about.. shaving it.
Kyan Douglas: Remember: always shave with the grain of the face. I love you!
Announcer: If you think you know Santa Claus, wait until the queer guys from “Queer Eye” jsss him up! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And he’s glam-tastic!
[ Queer Guys crowd around the couch with glasses of wine to watch their new and improved Santa Claus work his chair on television ]
Thom Filicia: Here we go, guys, I’m so excited!
Carson Kressley: Ohhh!
Together: Ohhh! Oh, gosh!
[ Santa Claus, clean-shaven and redressed, steps up to Mrs. Claus and the children ]
Awww, he’s so adorable!
Carson Kressley: Look at that – she’s a little spitfire, that one!
Jai Rodriguez: She’s so adorable, yoy guys!
Carson Kressley: He jsssed! He jsssed! I told him to jsss, and he jsssed. I told him to!
Ted Allen: She cannot take her eyes off of him!
Jai Rodriguez: You see that, guys? They’re making eye contact! They just made eye contact! I am useful!
Kyan Douglas: She’s like, uh.. “Let me check out that Christmas package!”
Carson Kressley: Yeah! She wants to get some of that South Pole!
[ they laugh ]
Mrs. Claus: This is the Santa I married!
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Kid: Hey, you’re not Santa! You look like Kathy Bates!
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho!
Carson Kressley: Don that gay apparel! We did it again, guys! We did it again! Yay!
[ they toast their glasses to one another ]
Announcer: Next Tuesday at 10: tune in for the new “Queer Eye”, following the “Queer Eye” marathon on Bravo!
Elijah Wood: Aw, thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! This is something that I’ve dreamed about doing my whole life, and actually being here on this stage feels a little surreal. I guess I have “Lord of the Rings” to thank for that. The experience of making those movies was incredible, but.. I’ve been playing Frodo since 1999. [ laughs ] I think this is the first time in four years that I’ve actually worn shoes on camera! But I’ll miss it, the cast was great —
[ “Lord of the Rings” theme pots up, as Gollum appears on a rock next to Elijah ]
Gollum: Master!! Master, there you arrrrrrre!!
Elijah Wood: Gollum, everybody. [ to Gollum ] I told you to wait in the Gren Room.
Gollum: Gollum tried, but Jay-Z in theres, and with the entorouge! [ mimes smoking a joint ] Gollum get contact high!
Elijah Wood: Well.. I’m sorry to hear that Gollum, but you have to run along. This is kind of my monologue here.
Gollum: I knowwww!! But Gollum here to help! Gollum loves the Saturday Night Liveses!! [ turns face to speak in evil tone ] Noooo!! Gollum hates the Saturday Night Livesessss!!!! Sketches go on way too long, and never have endingsesesssss!!! [ turns back to normal ] No-o-o-o-o-o! That’s not tru-u-u-u-ue!! Such a talented cast! The Tinsa Fey.. a-a-and the other peopleses!! [ turns face to speak in evil tone ] Noooo!! Everyone knows the show’s been sucking wind ever since Chris Kattan left!!
Elijah Wood: Uh.. I think that’s about enough, Gollum —
Gollum: Okay, Gollum go now! But, first – Gollum like to get in one quick plug! Gollum and Master have new project in the works!
Elijah Wood: Oh, not that, Gollum.. I told you, that was a favor!
Elijah Wood: Alright! [ to the audience ] Look, Gollum wrote a sitcom pilot for the two of us. But every network passed.
Gollum: UPN gave us a “Maybe!”
Elijah Wood: Alright. Basically, the idea is that, before they make it to Mordor, Frodo and Gollum decide to move to Denver and share an apartment together.
Gollum: Gollum have the clip ready! Really! Need no set-up! Roll it, Beth!
[ clip begins, with SUPER: “A Hard Hobbit to Break” ]
Jingle: [ Frodo and Gollum on side of road with “Denver or Bust” sign, waving at passing truck ] “Kickin’ the dust of the road off your shoes City lights callin’ your name.”
[ Frodo and Gollum get stuck in door jamb while entering apartment simultaneously ] “You only get one shot You know it’s time to take it.”
[ Frodo opens door to empty fridge, Gollum chews on dead fish and shrugs ] “Gonna live our vows No way you’re gonna fake it.”
[ Frodo and Gollum chase each other through the apartment on roller skates ] “Flying high on the wings of tomorrow!”
[ Frodo turns around with coffee mug, with SUPER: “Elijah Wood as Frodo” ]
“Soar away on the power of your dreams!”
[ Frodo is annoyed by Gollum playing the drums in the front room ]
[ Gollum combs his few hairs in the mirror, with SUPER: “Featuring Gollum as Himself ]
“Keep your head up high Your eye on the prize.”
[ Frodo and Gollum on the couch playing video games ]
“Don’t let the turkeys get you down.”
[ pet dog, with SUPER: “George Carlin as the Voice of ‘Baxter'” ]
[ Gollum knocks over the bookcase, as Frodo tries to save the day ]
“Sometimes when you reach the end of the road.”
[ Gollum and Frodo open adjacent doors to the apartment and crash into one another, laughing ]
“You’ve only just begun.”
[ fade back to Home Base ]
Gollum: That’s what Gollum calls Must See TVsesesss!!!
Elijah Wood: Well, maybe you’re right.. maybe it has some possibilities. [ turns face to speak in an evil tone ] Nooooo!! It stinks!
Gollum: Oh, Master.. that’s co-o-o-o-old!!
Elijah Wood: We’ll talk later, Gollum. Alright. We have a great show, Jet is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Ronnie Calzoon: And now coming to you live from the beautiful Rosewater Room in the Rialto Grand, just shy of the Vegas Strip it’s another night with Buddy Mills! This is his old pal Ronnie “the zipper” Calzoon, saying the only thing this guy wants for Christmas is to get his bells jingled. Here’s Buddy Mills!
Buddy Mills: [pulls a fake candy cane out of his pants and laughs]. Hello Las Vegas Nevada! [laughs] Hey, is it–is it Christmas Eve yet ’cause the stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Right next to my wife’s bra and girdle. Ha! I don’t know what I just– wait and I can’t!
[points toward Mackey waiting for rim shot]
Anyway I just did some holiday shopping. Have you heard about this? Holiday Shopping? Apparently–
Mackey: [late rim shot]
Buddy Mills: [stands looking at camera for a few moments speechless]
Apparently Victoria’s Secret’s got a great sale going on. Everything’s half off. [Laughs Wildly] What? I just did something. It came out– I can’t!
[Points toward Mackey waiting for rim shot]
Anyway, I’m telling you something, my wife tried on one of those thongs–
Mackey: [late rim shot]
Buddy Mills: [looks over to Mackey] Mackey on drums everybody.
[Applause]
Anyway my wife tried to wear one of those thongs. It looked like a bookmark in the middle of “War and Peace.” [Laughs Wildly] Ha! I don’t know–wait–I don’t–I can’t!
[Points to Mackey waiting for rim shot. Nothing.]
So Mackey, what do you want for Christmas?
Mackey: [Says Nothing]
Buddy Mills: Ok I’ll get right on that. Ok we got a great show tonight. I do apologize for the smell. I have no idea what it is either. But we do have a terrific show–
Mackey: Craftsman cordless drill with Trim Saw!
Buddy Mills: [Looks over to him speechless. Turns back.] Anyway I was getting my first social security check the same day tonight’s guest hit puberty. He’s the youngest hottest comic on the Strip. The only thing better than that is the youngest hottest striper on the comic. [Laughs Wildly] Ha! I don’t– wait, there’s an Ad Lib somewhere comin’ out. Please welcome Lanny “The Rabbit” Petillo!
Lanny Petillo: Hey Buddy! There’s a cop in the lobby lookin’ for you. Says something about you and this German guy named Check Fraud. Ouch!
Buddy Mills: [Laughs Wildly and makes throaty noises] That is Hysterical.
Lanny Petillo: You all right there Buddy?
Buddy Mills: I can’t take it already. This guy, I got to tell you, this guy– he’s caused– you’ve cause quite a stir up over at the Mandaly Bay. You’re really– you’re really– you’re really– you’re really packing them in aren’t you?
Lanny Petillo: Well that’s what your proctologist says. Ouch, Ouch!
Buddy Mills: [laughing Wildly] Ha! Ha! I can’t! Well, Lanny, how did you– I have a question for you– how did you get your star– your start– your start as a comic?
Lanny Petillo: Well I think it was prom night when I dropped my pants and my girlfriend laughed for four hours! Double Ouch! That’s gonna leave a mark!
Buddy Mills: [laughs Wildly] Ha! Ha! My Prostate. Unbelievable. You’re on fire tonight. Wow you’re parents– [laughs]– You’re parents– they must be– no seriously, they must really proud of you.
Lanny Petillo: Oh yea they come to all my shows and laugh their asses off. And my Mom better keep laughing ’cause she’s got a big ass! I love you Mom! Just kidding.
Buddy Mills: [Laughs making throaty noises] Oh so your parents are they– are they– are they here tonight?
Lanny Petillo: Oh yea they never miss a show.
Buddy Mills: Oh no kidding? That’s amazing.
Lanny Petillo: Yea
Buddy Mills: I got to meet the people responsible for this little rat. Where are they?
Lanny Petillo: Uh, they’re in the back somewhere.
Buddy Mills: Stand up Mr. and Mrs. Petillo, please. Willy get a light on them back there where are ya at? go ahead.
Lanny Petillo: Forget it Buddy, they’re shy.
Buddy Mills: No come on. Raise your hand. Raise your hand.
Lanny Petillo: Look! They’re not back there! They’re not even here!
[gets a sad face and cries in Buddy’s arms]
Buddy Mills: [starts shushing him comforting]
Lanny Petillo: I’m just tired of feelin’ sad.
Buddy Mills: I know how you feel. You know, a clown’s sad face is just painted on, right? But when you take the makeup off, that clown’s face is just sad.
Lanny Petillo: My parents have never seen me perform. I never even knew my dad. My Mom took off when I was sixteen ’cause she said she had to find a man that would love her forever. If she only knew that, that man was me.
Mackey: [Rim shot at the wrong time]
Buddy and Lanny: [Look over to Mackey speechless. Buddy notions for him to quit it. Lanny looks back to Buddy]
Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums, everybody!
[Applause]
I’m sorry go on.
Lanny Petillo: I guess I just–
Mackey: [interrupts] And if that’s out of stock then a Campbell Hausefield eight-gallon air compressor.
Buddy and Lanny: [look over once again speechless. Lanny turns back to Buddy]
Buddy Mills: Look, listen, seriously, listen kid [breaks down] if you– if you– if you– if you need a dad– if you need a dad, I’m– I’m here for you.
Lanny Pestillo: Ok Buddy, But don’t get all Michael Jackson on me. Next thing you’re gonna invite me over to play “How many Plums do I have in my Pocket?” Ouch! That stung. That really stung.
Buddy Mills: [Laughs Wildly] Ha! I just think I dribbled my drawers.
[Gets up with Lanny]
Hey! It’s the holidays though. It’s time for friends to stick together and keep each other strong. Don’t you think?
Lanny Pestillo: That’s Right.
Buddy and Lanny: [Singing] “Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell rock Jingle Bell swing and Jingle bell ring Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun Now the Jingle hop has begun.”
[Singing stops]
Buddy Mills: Thanks for spending another night with Buddy Mills! I’d like to thank Lanny “The Rabbit” Petillo for the laughs and the tears. Mackey on drums, of course. And if you’re making out with Santa remember that Ho means Ho. [laughs Wildly] Ha! I don’t know what– I just did it again. I can’t!
Buddy and Lanny: [Singing] “That’s the Jingle Bell That’s the Jingle Bell That’s the Jingle Bell Rock!!”
Air Date:
