SNL Tonight

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Bedtime Story

Dad…..Robert De Niro
Leslie…..Chris Kattan

[ open in Leslie’s bedroom, as Dad peeks his head through the door ]

Dad: You’re all tucked in, little man?

Leslie: Yeah, Dad! I’m glad I got to spend the weekend with you.

Dad: Me, too, buddy! Me, too! See you tomorrow.

Leslie: Hey, wait, Dad! Aren’t you gonna tell me a story?

Dad: I’m kinda watching the game. The Raiders just got the ball back, with two minutes left.

Leslie: [ disappointed ] I understand. Mom told me you’d probably be too busy watching football to spend time with me..

Dad: [ angry at his ex-wife ] Well played, Brenda. [ enters room ] Soooo.. you want me to tell you a story?

Leslie: [ now excited ] Oh, please! Yeah! Please tell me a story, Dad!

Dad: [ sits on bed ] O-kay. Now, what kind of story do you want to hear?

Leslie: Uh.. [ thinking ] Tell me a story about a little boy!

Dad: Okay. Well, let’s see.. there once was a little boy, and his name was.. Leslie!

Leslie: [ super-excited ] Hey, wait a second, that’s my name!

Dad: [ a beat ] Thank your mother for that.

Leslie: What?

Dad: Nothing. [ continues story ] So, every day, this little boy would leave nuts out on the back porch for the squirrels.

Leslie: That’s what I do!

Dad: You sure do! [ continues ] Then, one day, one of the squirrels came up to him and started to talk. [ imitating squirrel ] “Hello, little boy! I’m Julio, the Magical Squirrel! I’m gonna grant you one wish every day for the next three days.” The little boy stayed up all night thinking about his first wish. Bright and early the next morning, the magical squirrel appeared, and asked Leslie what his first wish was. What do you think he wished for?

Leslie: [ hopeful ] He wished.. his parents would get back together?

Dad: [ quickly ] No, he didn’t!

Leslie: Yes, he did!

Dad: [ gives in ] Okay. so he wished for his parents to get back together, and they did. The father was able to be more understanding with his wife.. and she stopped busting his balls. I mean, really, he caught enough crap from work! He didn’t need to hear it from her the second he walked through the door! He just needs a little down time – have a drink, watch some TV, relax! not have to hear about how he’s not gonna get that boat up and running, and what a waste of money it is!

Leslie: [ losing interest ] Okay.. Dad.. keep going. Get ot the second morning.

Dad: Okay. The next day, Leslie was outside, and Julio came running up and said, “Okay, little boy. It is now time for your second wish.” Leslie thought for a moment, and what did he wish for?

Leslie: [ excited ] He wished that everybody in the world would be friends! And there’d be no more fighting!

Dad: And the little boy wished for world peace, and there were no more wars and no more fighting.

Leslie: Ya-a-a-ayyy!!

Dad: Everybody was happy, except Leslie’s mom, who gets her kicks by flirting with dirtbags in bars! So she could watch me get angry and pound on them! [ pause ] Honestly, man! I mean, how messed up do you have to be to get off watching guys fight over you?!

Leslie: [ now getting worried ] Dad, just get to the next day.

Dad: Okay. Well, the third morning, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the boy was on the back porch, and he saw Julio the magical squirrel walking up the driveway, when, all of a sudden, wham! Leslie’s mom runs over Julio with her car.

Leslie: No!!

Dad: Yes! She did! Straight down the back! Crushed the little guy! I mena, she said it was an accident, but, if you ask me, it looked like she was aiming for him.

Leslie: That’s horrible!

Dad: It sure is. She didn’t even say she was sorry. She just goes, “It’s not my fault! He shouldn’t have been in the driveway, he was asking for it!”

Leslie: No, he wasn’t! Julio’s a nice squirrel!

Dad: He sure was. ‘Til Leslie’s mom killed him!

Leslie: [ thinking of a recovery ] Well, wait – the little boy has one more wish. And I know what he wished for!

Dad: Something bad to happen to his mommy?

Leslie: No! He wished that the magical squirrel would ocme back to life.

Dad: That’s a great idea! The little boy wished the squirrel would ocme back to life, and Julio’s eyes opened up, and he began to scream, “My spine! She crushed my spine! She crippled me, and left me to die! She’s evil! The only joy she gets is from other people’s pa-a-ain!” And the magical squirrel passed out.

Leslie: [ upset ] Oh, no!

Dad: And when it looked like there was no hope in sight, Leslie’s dad came running out with a first aid kit, and he made the squirrel better!

Leslie: Way to go, Dad! [ high fives ]

Dad: And little Lslie and his dad nursed the squirrel back to health! And the three of them went out for lots of rides on his dad’s boat!

Leslie: Oh, yay!

Dad: And, from that day on, Leslie never forget what the magical squirrel told him: [ chuckles ] “She gets joy from other people’s pa-a-ain!” The end!

Leslie: [ reeling from the surprise ending ] That was a scary story..

Dad: Yeah, that was almost too real, wasn’t it? how about you come out and watch the rest of the game with me?

Leslie: Okay, yeah! I love you, Dad!

Dad: I love you, too, Leslie! Come on!

[ they run into the living room, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Santa Claus

Mall Santa…..Robert De Niro
Mall Elf…..Maya Rudolph
Mother…..Rachel Dratch
Larry Macy…..Chris Parnell

[ open on mall interior, Mall Santa Claus and his elf attracting the crowds ]

Mother: Hi! Can we see Santa!

Mall Santa: Certainly! Hello, young man! Jump up on Santa’s lap. What’s your name?

Zack: Zack.

Mall Santa: Zack! Have you been a good boy this year, Zack?

Zack: Yes.

Mall Santa: Good. Now, tell Santa what you want for Christmas, and he’ll get it for you!

Mall Elf: Ho ho ho, that’s a good one?

[ Mall Santa stares at his elf for a second, then returns his attention to Zack ]

Mall Santa: Anything special you want this year, Zack?

Mall Elf: Oh, go ahead, ask him – he’s good at making promises.

Mall Santa: [ his patience wearing thin ] Okay.. okay.. that’s fine. You’ve had your say, so just.. alright? Okay?

Mall Elf: Alright.

Mall Santa: Okay, Zack, so what do you want Santa to bring you?

Mall Elf: Hey! Whatever you do, don’t ask him for a ring, Zack.

Mall Santa: Alright, alright, alright.. are you done there? Are you done? Come on. Huh?

Mall Elf: What? What’s wrong? What, I hit a nerve?

Mall Santa: Don’t push! Don’t push! I am warning you.. don’t push!

Mall Elf: I am so scared.

Mall Santa: You, what, you wanna be scared? You wanna be scared?

Mall Elf: Ha ha! big man! Big man!

Mall Santa: Do not! Hear me? Do not!

Mother: [ worried ] Excuse me, is something the matter here?

Mall Elf: No, no. Everything’s working out right according to plan. Being Santa in Willowbrook Mall is just a stepping stone for this guy. He’s going places! Yeah, he’s gonna be a big city Santa, and he can’t have a lot of com-MIT-ment holding him back!

Mall Santa: Hey, hey, hey. What did I say? What did I say?!

Mall Elf: Wha-at?

Mall Santa: You can’t keep nuthin’ private! Huh? What’s the matter with you? Huh?!

Mother: Uh.. look.. maybe we’ll just move along-

Mall Santa: No, no, no, no! We’re doing great! Right, Zack? Aren’t we doin’ great? Well, what do you want for Christmas, buddy?

Zack: Chicken Dance Elmo.

Mall Santa: Chicken Dance Elmo – that’s great. You know what’s even better? What’s a better gift? an environment of emotional maturity. ‘Cause, if you think stompin’ on other people’s dreams is gonna fix your problems, Zack, you’re always gonna be stuck in the same place – down on Route 3, dancing for truckers!

Mall Elf: Hey! Hey! Cage dancing! Alright?! And someone has to pay our rent eleven months of the year!

Mall Santa: That right?

Mall Elf: Yeah!

Mall Santa: Really?

Mall Elf: Yeah, really!

Zack: I wanna leave!

Mall Santa: No, no, no, Zack! You stay! You’re gettin’ an education! This is what happens when you let a woman keep a toothbrush at your place!

Mall Elf: Ha! Great!

Mall Santa: Look, why don’t you do me a favor, huh? [ holds up candy cane ] You take this thing, and why don’t you just stab me!

Mall Elf: Oh! Oh, don’t tempt me, Santa!

Mall Santa: Come on, come on – stab me!

Mall Elf: What?!

Mall Santa: Come on, this is what you want, isn’t it? This is what you want, so do it!

Mall Elf: No-o-o-o!

Mall Santa: Do it, do it – stab me!

Mall Elf: No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Mall Santa: What are you scared of?

Mall Elf: [ weeping ] I don’t want our son to be born without a father!

Mall Santa: [ shocked ] What?!

Mother: Oh.. uh, hey, uh.. congratulations!

Mall Elf: Oh, thank you!

Mother: Run, Zack, honey! Run! Run! Hurry!

[ Zack runs; Mother chases after him ]

Mall Santa: Baby! Baby! Why didn’t you tell me!

Mall Elf: [ crying ] I.. I.. I didn’t want to step on your dreams!

Mall Santa: [ ecstatic ] Come on.. get on Santa’s lap!

[ Mall Elf sits on Mall Santa’s lap, as Larry Macy enters scene and coughs to make his presence known ]

Larry Macy: Sorry to interrupt, but.. I saw what just happened, and.. I declare you to be the finest Santa I’ve ever seen! My card. [ hands his business card out ]

Mall Santa: [ reading card ] Larry Macy!

Mall Elf: Of Macy’s?

Larry Macy: [ humbly ] The same. I would like you to come to New York Cirty, and be my Santa Claus.

Mall Santa: Well.. Mr. Macy.. that’s very nice of you. But I couldn’t go without my.. wife-to-be.

Mall Elf: Oh.. Stan..

Larry Macy: Your loss. Nice meeting you. [ walks away, then re-enters scene after a beat ] Oh, what the heck! I guess I must be a big ol’ softie. You can bring her!

Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! Baby, what did I tell you? Merry Christmas!

Mall Elf: Merry Christmas!

[ music sweep: “Joy to The World” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Homeland Security Briefing

Tom Ridge…..Darrell Hammond
Craig Fenson…..Robert De Niro
Reporter #1……Maya Rudolph
Reporter #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Reporter #3…..Jeff Richards

Tom Ridge: Good afternoon! Before we begin today’s briefing, I wish to announce that, on the basis of change in the nature of Al-Queda chatter, we are changing the current threat level to Magenta. Let me repeat: the threat level is now.. Magenta. What is Magenta? It’s a darker maroon. It’s not quite an ox blood. It’s more plum color than.. say.. a crimson. How serious is it? [ sighs ] I honestly don’t have an answer for that. We’ll try to have that for you by early in the week. In any case, I’d like to introduce Craig Fenson, the new senior spokesman for the office of Homeland Security, and he’ll be happy to take your questions.

Craig Fenson: Good afternoon. In the past few weeks, through our national hotline, we have collected hundreds of names of suspected terrorists, and I’m proud to say that most of the calls have come from high school and college students nationwide. In fact, we received over 475 calls alone regarding this man: M’Balz Es-Hari. We also received information on such nefarious terrorists such as Graabir Boubi, and Haid D’Salaami and.. let this be a message to you, Haid D’Salaami: we will not play your dangerous games We are also currently searching for a man we believe to be a Al Queda leutinant: Hous Bin Pharteen, his cousin I-Bin Pharteen, and their close companion I-Zheet M’Drurz. Question over there?

Reporter #1: Is there a way to identify Hous Bin Pharteen?

Craig Fenson: Ah.. our operatives have picked up his scent. Also, according to our intelligence, he is targeting gas refineries, fertilizer plants, and, oddly enough, baked bean canneries. He is a silent, but deadly killer.

Reporter #2: What can you tell us about I-Zheet M’Drurz?

Craig Fenson: We’re told that, when he was fleeing the scene of his last attack, he left skidmarks. He is extremely dangerous. Our sources say that he is planning on attacking the New York City sewer system with what we believe it is to be a dirty bomb.

Reporter #3: Do you have any other names you’re willing to release?

Craig Fenson: Yes! Please call our hotline at once if you have any information on the following men: Shaif Hirboush.. Al-Suq Akweer.. Mustaf Herod Apyur Poupr. I hope I got that right! Awan Afuqya.. Yul Strokheet Al-Wauch.. Apul Madeek – who we believe will be targeting adult bookstores sometime in the near future. And this man, the notorious Yuliqa M’Diq, A.K.A. Uwana M’Diq, A.K.A. Usuqa M’Diq. Uh.. thank you, that is all, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to Charles Spivey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Peter Pan Rehearsal

Director…..Chirs Kattan
Wendy Actress…..Amy Poehler
John Actor…..Seth Meyers
Michael Actor…..Jeff Richards
Wesley Jamison…..Robert De Niro

[ open on exterior, marquee: “Peter Pan Opening Soon” ]

[ dissolve to interior, bedroom stage set ]

Director: Okay, people, listen up. Uh.. I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The bad news is that our regular Peter Pan has come down with the flu and will not be joining us. [ the actors groan ] I know. The good news is that our replacement happens to be none other than.. Wesley Jamison! and, as you all know, he was one of the first actors in southwestern Michigan to play the part of Peter Pan, over thirty-five years ago!

Wendy Actress: Soooo.. that’s good?

Director: Oh, it’s- No! It’s great, it’s great, it’s great! Yeah.

[ Wesley Jaminson enters, wearing Peter Pan tights ]

Wesley Jamison: Uh.. I’m sorry I’m late. some Chinese guy gave me a lift here – I caught him eyeing my watch, and I had to rearrange his face for him.

Director: Okay. Mr. Jamison, it is a pleasure to meet you! Uh, actually.. you did not need to come in costume, we did have one for you.

Wesley Jamison: Uh.. okay, what’s your name?

Director: It’s, uh.. its.. it’s Tim.. Timothy.. you can call me Tim..

Wesley Jamison: Tim! I’ve been doing this for thirty-five years. I was fighting Captain Hook when you were still sucking boob. I don’t screw around! I know better than to squeeze into some weird pair of tights that every fruit from here to Flynt probably left his juices in! I’ll wear my own, if you don’t mind, thank you!

Director: Great! Fantastic!

Wesley Jamison: Good.

Director: I think that’s an incredible idea! It is an honor to have you here. Just to let you know, just to let you know – we’re about to rehearse the scene where you, Peter, teach Wendy, Michael and John, uh.. to think wonderful thoughts in order to fly!

Wesley Jamison: [ annoyed ] Yeah. I know the scene. What do I look like, an idiot? I’ve done this scene on everything from old-fashioned blow, to horse tranquilizers! I think it’s safe to say I know what I’m doing!

Director: Okay, great! Fantastic! We’re so.. we’re so – I’m so excited! Okay, okay.. places! Pla-ces! And.. we’re in Wendy’s room, annnnd.. whenever you’re ready. [ steps aside ]

Michael Actor: Hi! I’m Michael!

John Actor: And my name is John! How do you do?

Wesley Jamison: How you guys, doin’? Come on, Wendy – let’s go!

Michael Actor: Where are we going?

Wendy Actress: To Neverland!

Michael Actor: Neverland?!

Wendy Actress: Peter’s taking us!

Wesley Jamison: Yeah, we’re all goin’ to Neverland – let’s do this! Come on!

[ Tinkerbell prop flutters through the room; Wesley swats it to the ground in fear ]

Wesley Jamison: Aggghhhh!! What is that?! What the hell is it?! Get that OUT of here!! What is that?!

[ Director runs back into the scene to sort out the confusion ]

Director: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. we should have..

Wesley Jamison: Get that outta here! Get that OUTTA here, I will SUE you!!

Director: No-no-no need to do that! I should have told you – that’s our Tinkerbell. We don’t have to use that, if..

Wesley Jamison: Well, get it outta here!

Director: Okay.

Wesley Jamison: I like my Tinkerbells to be life-sized, with a nice.. rack!

Director: Okay. Great idea.

Wendy Actress: Um.. excuse me? But I don’t think Peter Pan is supposed to be smoking.

Wesley Jamison: Uh-huh. Guess what? I do a lot of things Peter Pan wouldn’t do. Like driving fine, imported Japanese sports cars.. or playing a guitar without shirt on.. or going downtown so long you won’t ever need to wax again!

Wendy Actress: [ disgusted ] Oh, my God.. that is so gross!

Director: [ alarmed ] Hey! This is Wesley Jamison, okay! you don’t talk like that to Wesley Jamison! I saw him do Pan in the parking lot of a Pep Boys in Grand Rapids, and it changed my life forever, okay! You show him some respect! Or this production is going nowhere! Okay?

Wesley Jamison: Thanks, thanks. I appreciate it.

Director: You’re welcome! Don’t worry about it. Um.. let’s pick this up where we left off, okay? Annnnd.. okay, okay.. and we’re going to Neverland! right? And, Debra..?

Wendy Actress: Downtown?

Director: Yeah, I know – don’t forget about downtown. Whenever you feel like it..

Wendy Actress: Okay. Okay.

Director: Wendy time.. Wendy time. Just go! [ steps aside ]

Wendy Actress: But, Peter! How do we get to Neverland?

Wesley Jamison: [ bored ] Fly.

John Actor: Fly?

Wesley Jamison: Yeah! Fly! What did I just say! Just think of a wonderful thought – come on, let’s go!

Wendy Actress: [ struggling ] Uh.. any happy little thought?

Wesley Jamison: Yeah. That’s what I said. What is it with you people? God!

Michael Actor: Like toys at Christmas? Sleigh bells? Snow?

Wesley Jamison: Yeah! Or like having a steamy three-way with some waitress and her mom in the men’s room at an IHOP!

John Actor: Um.. you know what, I don’t.. I don’t think that that’s, uh.. in the script.

Wesley Jamison: [ pissed ] What did you just say?!

John Actor: I said that, uh.. hey!

[ Jamison charges at John, and the Director has to jump in to end the scuffle ]

Wesley Jamison: Okay! You saw that! He came at me! I’ll sue him! I know people!

Director: Okay! I’m sure you know a lot of people!

Wesley Jamison: Where’s my cigarette?!

Director: Settle down! [ searches for the fallen cigarette ]

Wesley Jamison: [ reaches down to retrieve his cigarette ] Here it is, I got it! [ puts it back in his mouth ]

Director: Yeah, sure, okay..

Wesley Jamison: I hope you didn’t step on it.

Director: Okay. Okay.. Mr. Jamison.. uh.. we’re gonna get you know, into the rigging.. so we can see you fly off to Neverland with Wendy and the boys!

Wesley Jamison: Yeah, no, I’m not.. I’m not doin’ that!

Director: I’m sorry?

Wesley Jamison: The flyin’? I ain’t doin’ it. I got a bad back thing! You know, and, frankly, I think, you know, it comes off a little.. gay.

Director: Alright, but you’re.. you’re Peter Pan. Yuo fly. That’s what you do.

Wesley Jamison: Well, how about instead of flyin’, I just sort of walk around like this.. [ walks with arms flapping ] It’s like I’m flyin’ really low to the ground.. you know, you can’t tell the difference!

Director: You know what? Fantastic! You’re absolutely right, I am wrong! Fantastic! Great.. I think that’s great. And, can I just say, right now.. that I feel.. like this is gonna be the best Pan in southwestern Michigan history!

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee: “Peter Pan Opens Tonight” ]

[ dissolve to interior, bedroom stage set; Wesley Jamison is still portraying Peter Pan with a cigarette in his mouth ]

Wesley Jamison: Here I go, watch me fly! [ walks around the stage flapping his arms ]

Wendy Actress: He can fly!

John Actor: He can fly!

Michael Actor: Oh, Peter! You’re ever so queer!

Wesley Jamison: [ outraged ] What did you say to me, you little punk?!

[ Jamison enthralls the cast into yet another onstage scuffle ]

[ cut to Director beaming with pride backstage ]

Director: This is fantastic! This is fantastic!

[ Jamison retrieves his fallen cigarette, and the scuffle continues to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Robert De Niro’s Monologue

…..Robert De Niro

Robert De Niro: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! So.. it’s come to this. Thirty years of movies have finally paid off. I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”. A lot of people have been asking me, “Why are you doing this?” And, I gotta tell ya.. I don’t know. ThEy first asked me to do this in 1975, when it just started. But I don’t like to rush into things, so.. I waited, and here I am.

Some people say, “Ooh, live TV, aren’t you scared?” I’ll be honest with you – no! Some people say that drama is easy, and comedy is hard. Not true. I’ve been making comedies the last couple years, and it’s nice. When you make a drama, you spend all day beating a guy to death with a hammer, or what have you. Or, you have to take a bite out of somebody’s face. On the other hand, with a comedy, you yell at Billy Crystal for an hour, and you go home. Still, I have to admit, I’ve had a pretty good time this week. But after tonight, I don’t know, I might have to rethink it.

Norah Jones is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

McDonald’s Big N’ Tasty

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Voiceover…..Jim Downey

Announcer: McDonald’s new Big N’ Tasty! It’s what you crave! The Big N’ Tasty is a juicy quarter-pound all-beef patty, served with crisp lettuce and tomato on a sesame seed bun!

Jive Voice: Can you taste it?

Announcer: Mmm-hmm! Big and tasty!

Voiceover: In response to pending legal action, the McDonald’s Corporation would like to present the following statement:

[ statements over SUPER ]

“The Big N’ Tasty Sandwich is food.”

“Scientific studies suggest that excessive consumption of food may cause weight gain. In other words, if you stuff your greasy pie hole non-stop, you’re probably going to pork up.”

“The McDonald’s Corporation had previously believed that this was obvious to all but very small children and morons. Since children and morons are valued customers of McDonald’s Corporation, we would like to point out other potential risks that could be associated with the Big N’ Tasty.”

“The Big N’ Tasty is intended to be eaten. Complications may arise from shoving the Big N’ Tasty up your nose. Dropping the Big N’ Tasty from extremely tall buildings may cause the Big N’ Tasty to achieve sufficient terminal velocity, to injure innocent people below.”

“The Big N’ Tasty should not be used as an artificial heart.”

“The McDonald’s Corporation seriously doubts anyone would try this, but, hey, if you didn’t know gorging yourself on hamburgers might turn you fatass, then anything’s possible.”

“According to United States Law, the Big N’ Tasty cannot perform the duties of a Legal Guardian. If you were to go into McDonald’s and say, “Hey, Big N’ Tasty, take care of my kids while I run some errands,” you may face legal action.”

“Theoretically, the Big N’ Tasty could be mistaken for a weapon during a police stand-off.”

“Marriage ceremonies officiated by the Big N’ Tasty are not recognized in any of the contiguous 48 states.”

“The Big N’ Tasty is not God.”

“For questions about any additional use of the Big N’ Tasty – other than eating, please consult our web site.”

Announcer: Come on! It’s big, it’s tast,y and it’s waiting for you at McDonald’s!

Voiceover: For the small children or morons, McDonald’s is the red and yellow restaurant on the highway. Remember to bring money.

Jive Voice: Big N’ Tasty!

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Thomas Jefferson Meets Sally Hemings

Thomas Jefferson…..Robert De Niro
James Madison…..Chris Parnell
Statesman #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Statesman #2…..Will Forte
Maria…..Amy Poehler
Sally Hemings…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on interior, Monticello ]

Thomas Jefferson: I call them the Lazy Susans, because it’s round but flat, like Hamilton’s wife!

[ they all share a hearty laugh ]

James Madison: Oh, Thomas Jefferson, you are as great a wit as you are a statesman!

Thomas Jefferson: No more than you, James Madison!

[ Jefferson’s daughter Maria enters, with her slave Sally Hemings ]

Maria: Gentlemen. If you’d like to adjurn to the dining room, dinner is nearly served.

Thomas Jefferson: Maria.

Maria: Yes, Father?

Thomas Jefferson: Who is that? [ points to Sally ]

Maria: That’s Sally Hemings, Father. The new slave you inherited.

[ Jefferson moves in for the kill ]

Thomas Jefferson: Sally? I’m Thomas. Jefferson. The owner of this house.

Sally Hemings: I know who you are.

Thomas Jefferson: I just wanted to welcome you to Monticello. I hope you’ll be very happy here with us.

Sally Hemings: Well, I’m.. I’m just happy to be indoors.

Thomas Jefferson: [ chuckles ] That’s charming.

[ cut to ]

Statesman #1: Oh, brother, here he goes.

James Madison: [ sighs ] Like a bee to a blossom.

Statesman #2: What are you talking about?

Statesman #1: Don’t you read the papers? Everyone knows it. Thoams Jefferson only dates black chicks.

Statesman #2: No, really?

James Madison: You’ve never heard that? That’s totally his thing, everybody knows that!

[ cut back to Jefferson and Sally ]

Thomas Jefferson: Do you like the house?

Sally Hemings: Yes.

Thomas Jefferson: I designed it myself.

Sally Hemings: Oh.. it’s beautiful, sir.

Thomas Jefferson: Sir? What sir? No. please call me T.J.!

Sally Hemings: [ giggles ]

Thomas Jefferson: Did anyone ever tell you you look like.. a young Nefartiti?

Sally Hemings: Uh.. no. That’s a new one.

Thomas Jefferson: Your hair is so.. unusual. May I touch it.

Sally Hemings: Sure. [ titters as he touches her hair ]

[ cut to the statesmen watching ]

James Madison: [ sighs ] He doesn’t waste any time, does he?

Statesman #2: Maybe he hasn’t met the right white lady.

James Madison: No. That’s not it.

Statesman #1: He likes his women like he likes his coffee – hot, black, and first thing in the morning.

[ cut back to Jefferson and Sally ]

Thomas Jefferson: What kind of music are you in to?

Sally Hemings: Um.. I sometimes sing while I work.

Thomas Jefferson: Spirituals!

Sally Hemings: Yeah.

Thomas Jefferson: I love sprituals. Do you know.. [ singing ] “Go Down Moses”.

Sally Hemings: Oh! [ sings along ]

Together: “..when Moses was in Egypt land, let my people gooo!“

Sally Hemings: Yeah..

Thomas Jefferson: You have a great voice!

Sally Hemings: Oh! [ laughs ]

Thomas Jefferson: Really, a great voice! Have you ever thought about being a singer?

Sally Hemings: Um.. it’s really not an option for me.

Thomas Jefferson: Right. I forget sometimes, because I used to live in Paris.

Sally Hemings: Oh.

Thomas Jefferson: You know the French, they’re so free. Sa vrie, n’est-ce pas?

[ cut back to the statesmen ]

Statesman #2: He does seem smitten.

Statesman #1: Look at him, he’s working it hard!

James Madison: He’s probably telling her about her “inalienable rights”.

Statesman #1: Like liberty, and the pursuit of brown sugar!

[ they laugh ]

[ cut back to Jefferson and Sally ]

Thomas Jefferson: You know, if it were up to me, there would be no slavery. I mean, I wrote the Declaration of Independence, so that tells you where my head’s at! your hands are so.. so tiny..

Statesman #1: Hey, hey, Thomas! you coming to dinner!

Thomas Jefferson: I’ll join you.. presently. [ to Sally ] I’d like to take you out for corn cakes sometime.

Sally Hemings: Alright!

Thomas Jefferson: What time do you get off work?

Sally Hemings: Um.. never.

Thomas Jefferson: You’re fiery, Sally Hemings! I like that!

[ cut back to the statesmen ]

Statesman #2: I can’t believe I didn’t know this!

Statesman #1: Seriously, don’t you read the gossip columns? Jefferson’s got jungle fever..

James Madison: Franklin is a chubby chaser..

Statesman #1: John Adams is way into Asian chicks.

Statesman #2: Asians? Where does he meet them?

James Madison: Oh, he’s never actually seen one. But he’s heard descriptions, and they drive him crazy!

[ cut back to Jefferson and Sally ]

Thomas Jefferson: I think I could love you, Sally Hemings.

Sally Hemings: You’re the boss.

[ dissolve to still photo footage of Jefferson’s descendents ]

Tracy Morgan Voiceover: And so, Thomas Jefferson fathered six children by Sally Hemings. But those children have never been recognized by the Jefferson Family. President Jefferson’s African-American descendents are now scattered allthroughout the United States. Their legacy unacknowledged, their inheritance unclaimed.

[ dissolve to Tracy Morgan wearing a snazzy-ass coat ]

Tracy Morgan: Which is why somebody owes me a million dollars, man! Get what I’m sayin’? I need to get paid, man! I got four more payments left on this coat!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Judge Horace

Judge Horace…..Tracy Morgan
Judge Horace’s Mama V/O…..Tracy Morgan
Bailiff…..Will Forte
Plaintiff…..Robert De Niro
Defendent…..Horatio Sanz

Judge Horace: [ addressing camera from his chambers ] In my neighborhood, we had to make do with what we had! So that’s why I used things right around my own house to rob people. You know, a broomstick, a garbage can – anything! I had been arrested seven times, and definitely headed for the penetentiary. What had changed everything were the words of my mother – Mama Horace – on her deathbed. [ show picture of Mama Horace ] She told me that if you don’t change your life – I’m gonna beat the crap out of you! I bring her touch of tough love and compassion into the courtroom. [ holds up pistol ] I also bring this fifth , ’cause I know ghetto is ghetto! And, when I say “Order in the court!”, order’s in the court! Okay? And sometimes you got to lick shots at cats. You heard?

Announcer: Real justice. “Judge Horace”.

[ dissolve to Judge Horace’s courtroom, as Plaintiff and Defendent enter courtroom ]

Announcer: The plaintiff is suing his ex-girlfriend for outstanding gym dues. He agreed to pay his girlfriend’s gym dues, if she lost weight. But she, in fact, gained sixty pounds in two months. He is suing for $1,500. The defendent cliams that she thought the agreement was a joke. And she told her ex-boyfriend early in the relationship that she could never lose weight, due to the fact that she suffers from the Elephant Man Disease, and has a slight marijuana problem.

Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Judge Horace.

[ Judge Horace enters courtroom flanked by two bikini-clad babes ]

Judge Horace: Mmm.. alright, now, I got to do this judge thing, alright? You two meet me back in my chambers. [ the bikini babes turn and exit the courtroom ] Mmm! Get! Sweet like bear meat! [ takes his seat at bench ] Y’all siddown before I slap the doo-doo outta you! [ courtroom sits ] Alright. I read here.. the plaintiff, Joe Blow, is suing his ex-girlfriend for gym dues he incurred. Your name is Joe Blow?

Plaintiff: Yes, your Honor.

Judge Horace: Are you serious about that name, man? What the hell is Joe Blow?!

Plaintiff: I used to do pornos as a teenage, and the name just stuck.

Judge Horace: Man! What kind of pornos was you doin’ with the name Joe Blow?

Plaintiff: [ hesitent ] Actually, your Honor.. I’d rather not get into that right now.

Judge Horace: Man, just plead your case before I throw your freaky-deaky ass outta my courtroom!

Plaintiff: Okay, your Honor. My ex-girlfriend said she was going to the gym to lose weight, so I agreed to pay the gym dues. But.. her can got bigger than when she went to the gym. It was like they were passin’ out Ben & Jerry’s on the treadmill!

Defendent: That’s a lie, your Honor!

Judge Horace: Shut that! Shut your big ass! Your turn is coming! So, then what happened?

Plaintiff: So, then I come to find out this wide ride wasn’t even goin’ to the gym! She took my money and bribed the shift manager at McDonald’s to work the fry machine for two hours a day!

Judge Horace: Pretty Rick-y! [ Bailiff steps forward ] Take this philly and roll me a blunt, son. [ Bailiff exits courtroom with the philly ] What you got to say about this here, Slim Shady?

Defendent: I told Joe early the relationship, I couldn’t lose weight! Once I tried to lose weight in summer camp, and I got a headache!

Judge Horace: Boo-Boo! That’s as dumb as a bowl of mice!

Defendent: Thank you, your Honor. Also, he called me a lard-ass in front of my eighth grade class.

Judge Horace: [ surprised ] You a teacher?

Defendent: No. I’m still in eighth grade.

Judge Horace: So, you are fat and stupid?

Defendent: Yes, your Honor. But he knew I couldn’t lose weight, your Honor – come on!

Judge Horace: Yeah, Tiny over here got a point! You knew in the beginning she was big!

Plaintiff: In the beginning of the relationship, your Honor, she told me she fell alseep on a hornet’s nest, and the swelling was gonna go down in a year!

Judge Horace: Oh, come on, man! You didn’t know she was blowtacious?!

Defendent: I am not fat! I’m big-boned-ded.

Judge Horace: Eh, Boo-Boo, your bones are so big, they could put them in a mu-se-um! Now, hush! [ to Plaintiff ] You was physically attracted in the beginning, right?!

Plaintiff: Yeah. Once you get past the sweating and the layers, she’s.. kinda hot.

Judge Horace: Mr. Blow.. we all enjoy the big badonakadonk! But this is about justice! Here is my verdict – you get nothing! ‘Cause you knew she wasn’t gonna lose no weight! She sweats in the shower, man! And, you! I got a boy named Shadow who likes big broads! He’s gonna tap that fat ass!

[ Bailiff steps forward with prepared blunt ]

Bailiff: Sir? Your blunt is ready.

Judge Horace: Ah! You’re lookin’ pretty, Rick-y! [ suddenly remembers something ] Oh, yeah – call Kool-Aid, my barber, and tell him I’m coming over to get a cut. [ points to Defendent ] And make sure her chunky behind doesn’t break anything in my courtroom! I’m out! Got to go smoke my pot!

Announcer: Judge Horace. A real ass judge!

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Channel 5 Late Night Movie

General…..Robert De Niro
Flanking Officer #1…..Chris Parnell
Flanking Officer #2…..Darrell Hammond
Scientist…..Jimmy Fallon
Hunter…..Will Forte

Announcer: We now rejoin tonight’s feature: “Radioactive Bear”.

[ dissolve to main movei scene, science lab overlooking the city ]

[ General and his flanking officers enter lab ]

General: What’s the situation, Professor?

Professor: Uh, General, it’s our worst fear – the bear, uh.. was exposed to nuclear waste, and grew a hundred times its normal size, and is destroying the city.

General: [ alarmed ] Are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?

Professor: Yes! It’s a radioactive bear!

[ show giant bear outside, tearing buildings apart with his bare hands ]

General: The military has to clean up another mess you scientists have made!

Flanking Officer #1: How should we proceed, General?

General: [ sighs ] We have to fight fire with fire!

Professor: [ confused ] You’re gonna set the bear on fire?

General: Of course not, that’s stupid! That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!

Professor: What are you gonna do?

General: The only thing – the only sane thing. I’m gonna get a female bear, expose it to radiation, they’ll fall in love, and he’ll stop destroying the city!

Flanking Officer #2: That’s a brilliant idea, sir!

Flanking Officer #1: Genius!

General: Radiate the female bear!

Professor: [ uneasy ] I’m not so sure that that’s a, uh..

General: Haven’t you caused enough trouble, Professor?

Flanking Officer #1: [ pointing out window ] Ah, there goes the bear now!

General: Hmm.. she’s cute.

[ Bear notices Female Bear, and quickly teaches her how to tear apart the city with him ]

General: Damn! I-I-I thought that would work!

Flanking Officer #2: [ helpful ] It must not be mating season.

General: I don’t want to have to resort to this, but it looks like violence begets violence.

Flanking Officer #1: We have to kill them.

General: I’m afraid so. And how do you kill two 900-foot bears?

Professor: [ sarcastic ] With bombs?

General: No. With a 900-foot hunter.

Professor: You have to be kidding!

General: I wish I had time to kid. Send in the hunter!

Flanking Officer #2: That’s an excellent idea, General!

[ 900-foot Hunter casually walks up to the bears and points a tiny gun at them ]

General: The radiation made him grow to be 900-foot tall. Unfortunately, his gun stayed the same size!

[ the bears pull Hunter’s left arm off, and proceed to beat him senseless with it ]

Flanking Officer #2: Oh, wow, they’re.. oh, my God! They’re beating him! That’s gotta smart!

Flanking Officer #1: I thought you had him that time!

General: [ sighs ] Me, too. And then again, I thought the girl bear would have worked, if only it was.. mating season..

Flanking Officer #2: You know what, I have an idea. What if we tricked the bear into thinking it was mating season?

General: You mean..

Flanking Officer #2: Yes! Give them radioactive Viagra!

General: [ feeling hopeful once again ] Bring it in, boys!

[ military personnel pass through room carrying giant blue Viagra tablet ]

Professor: Th-th-that’s crazy!

General: It’s so crazy.. it just might work! [ points out window ] Look! He’s eating the blue tablets!

Professor: [ vaguely interested ] Yeah?

General: They.. they seem to be working.

Professor: Right.

[ immobilized, the bear ceases destroying the city ]

General: Uh.. the bears have stopped destroying the city..

[ Hunter brings himself to his feet and leans against building, giving the Bear the perfect opportunity to sodomize him ]

General: Oh, my God! They’re going after the hunter! And he’s only got one arm, so he’s having a hard time defending himself!

Flanking Officer #2: [ enjoying the scene at play ] Boy, they’re really giving it to that guy!

Flanking Officer #1: It looks like it’s almost over, and.. yep! There’s the money shot! And.. they’re back to destroying the city.

Professor: Well, I hope you’re happy, General. You just keep making this situation worse and worse!

General: Hey, Doc – we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you! Now, it’s time for Plan D.

Professor: Oh, you’re gonna drop bombs on them?

General: No!

Flanking Officer #2: You don’t mean..?

General: You bet your ass, I do!

Professor: Oh, goodness..

General: Bring in the giant poison sandwich! That should take care of our problem!

Flanking Officer #1: That’s why you have four stars on your shoulder!

General: You’re darn tootin’! [ looks out window ] There’s the sandwich now!

[ helicopter lowers giant sandwich over the Bears’ heads, but the Hunter grabs for it instead, strickening himself with the poison and collapsing to the ground ]

General: Not you, dummy! Leave the sandwich alone, it’s not good!

Flanking Officer #1: Well, after the beating and the sex, I guess he was hungry.

Professor: Got any other bright ideas, General?

General: Nope! What about you guys?

Flanking Officer #2: No.

Flanking Officer #1: Nothing.

General: Well, I guess we’ll be going! Good luck, Professor!

Professor: Wait, wait, wait, where you going?! Where you going!

General: [ guffaws ] I’m not staying here! Those bears look angry!

[ General and his flanking officers exit the lab ]

Professor: Come back!

[ Professor turns his head toward camera, as the action zooms in on his screaming face ]

Professor: Aaaaaggggghhhhhh!!! Aaaaaggggghhhhhh!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 7th, 2002

Robert De Niro

Norah Jones

Harvey Kietel

Homeland Security Briefing

Magenta threat level issued due to lewdly-named terrorist suspects.

Recurring Characters: Tom Ridge.

Robert De Niro’s Monologue

De Niro compares his experiences doing dramas and comedies.

McDonald’s Big N’ Tasty

Excessive Big ‘N Tasty warnings for clueless fatties.

Thomas Jefferson Meets Sally Hemings

Thomas Jefferon (De Niro) falls for slave Sally Hemings (Maya Rudolph).

Peter Pan Rehearsal

Veteran actor (De Niro) annoys cast by handling production his way.

Santa Claus

Working as Santa Claus, actor (De Niro) argues with wife (Maya Rudolph) playing elf.

U.N. Weapons Inspectors

Weapons inspectors (De Niro, Jimmy Fallon) prove ineffective and gullible.

Judge Horace

Judge Horace (Tracy Morgan) presides over fatty case with jive dialect.

Norah Jones performs “Don’t Know Why”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) & Bobby Brown (Tracy Morgan) visit the Update desk.

Sylvia (Rachel Dratch) & Marty Feinblatt (Chris Kattan) on their ill-fated Disney cruise.

A Very Versace Chanukah

Celebrities visit Donatella Versace’s (Maya Rudolph) Chanukah celebration.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne.

Used Car Salesman

Used car salesman (De Niro) uses violence to make the hard sell.

Bedtime Story

Leslie’s (Chris Kattan) dad (De Niro) tells horrifying story about his mother.

Norah Jones performs “Come Away With Me”

Channel 5 Late Night Movie

General (De Niro) has bad ideas for stopping radioactive bear.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts