Last Call
George, the Old Drunk … Tracy Morgan
Old Prune … Maya Rudolph
Travis … Dean Edwards
[Near midnight on Christmas Eve. A bar. On the walls,holiday decorations hang side-by-side with photos ofclassic jazz musicians. Organ music drifts in fromsomewhere off screen. The place is almost empty exceptfor three elderly African-Americans: the gray-hairedbartender Travis who wipes down a table and his lasttwo customers, a man and a woman, who sit side-by-sideat the bar nursing their drinks.]
Old Drunk: Hey, Travis! How ’bout a littlerefresher over here?
Old Prune: Uh huh. Me, too. I could use arefreshener myself.
Travis: [joins them, mildly annoyed] Didn’t Isay “last call”?
Old Drunk: Don’t do this to me! It’s the nightbefore Chri’mas!
Travis: Look, I got to get home.
Old Prune: I want to go home, too. But I don’tgot no home.
Travis: Chief, that is not my problem!
Old Drunk: TRAVIS!
Travis: Okay, man! But only ’cause it’sChristmas Eve. Hey, I’ll tell you what. This last oneis on the house.
Old Prune: On the house?!
Travis: Any drink you want, consider it myChristmas present.
Old Drunk: Anything?!
Travis: Anything! [exits]
Old Prune: Ohhh.
Old Drunk: I’m gonna have me a brandyAlexander. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[Theunseen organist seizes the moment and the Old Drunkbreaks out singing with a deep but inebriatedvoice:]
I want something I’ve never hadbefore!
Old Prune: You tell ’em, George!
[sings the first line of the chorus with a screechy,high-pitched but equally inebriated voice:]
It’s the holidays – There’s a drink that’s rightfor you
Old Drunk: I know that’s true!
[sings]
It’s the holidays – We’ll take a chance onsomething new
Old Prune: Chook-a choo, chook-a choo, choochoo.
Try a Manhattan or maybe a Singapore Sling
Old Drunk: That’s right.
Both: It’s the holidays, we can orderanything!
Old Drunk: Ha! I know that’s good!
Old Prune: Yeah!
Old Drunk: I like Tom Collins, he’s a old,dear friend of mine
Old Prune: Yeah, I know you two go wayback.
[sings]
I like gin drinks, somethin’ simple like a gin andlime
Old Drunk: It’s Christmas Eve, why not aglass of champagne?
Old Prune: Oh, that sounds terrific!
Both: It’s the holidays, we can orderanything!
[Having completed the chorus, they now talk over themusic.]
Old Prune: Hey, George, you know, I could gofor a mint julep!
Old Drunk: Ah, delicious. And an excellent,excellent choice.
Old Prune: Mm hmm.
Old Drunk: Me, myself, I’m gonna have astrawberry frip.
Old Prune: Oh! Rum and vodka.
Old Drunk: Rum, you ol’ bag of bones. With adash – a dash of nutmeg.
Old Prune: Ooh! Ooh! What about a BlackRussian?
Old Drunk: Well, I HAD a Black Russian but shewudn’t no drink! I – I wouldn’t mind a grasshopper,though.
Old Prune: Mm mm. Two hours ago. I’mconsidering the plum ricky.
Old Drunk: Ah, too tricky, a plum ricky. But astinger might work.
Old Prune: A sidecar for me.
Old Drunk: Aw, whatever we want, it’sprack-ically Christmas now.
Old Prune: You’re right.
[starts singing a half chorus]
It’s the holidays – I’ve never had aDubonnet
Old Drunk: You can say that again. Knowwhy?
[sings]
It’s the holidays – I’d really likeCourvoisier
Old Prune: Oh, me three. That stuff isdelicious.
[sings]
I like Bloody Marys, Dirty Harrys
Or somethin’ with a little zing
Both: It’s the holidays, we can order an – y- thing!
[The song ends. Music out. The Old Prune coughs. Theaudience applauds. Bartender Travis returns.]
Travis: All right, so – so what’ll itbe?
Old Prune: I’ll have a wine.
Old Drunk: A wine for me.
[Travis exits.]
Old Prune: Merry Christmas, you olddrunk.
Old Drunk: Merry Christmas to you, you oldprune.
[They clink their glasses together and drink.]
Submitted Anonymously
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