SNL Tonight

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Gary’s Fish Tanks

Gena…..Maya Rudolph
Roger…..Jeff Gordon
Woman 2…..Amy Poehler
Man 2…..Seth Meyers
Repairman 1…..Horatio Sanz
Repairman 2…..Jimmy Fallon
Mr. Daly…..Fred Armisen
Doctor…..Will Forte

[two couples are in a home. One couple is seated on a couch on the left. One man is in front of an aquarium and the other woman is sitting on a couch on the right]

Gena: Thanks for inviting us over. You have a really beautiful house.

Roger: Oh sorry I’m tied up over here.

Woman 2: Oh yeah the aquarium broke down right before you guys came over. We have some repairmen comming over [doorbell rings] That must be them. [she gets up and answers the door. Two repairmen enter] Oh I’m so glad you guys are here.

Repairman 2: Don’t worry ma’am, you’re in good hands.

Repairman 1: Where’s the tank?

Roger: It’s over here guys.

Repairman 2: Whoa! Whoa! What are these? Piranhas?

Roger: No, they’re goldfish.

Repairman 1: Whoa! Sorry Mr. Fish Expert! We’ve got a real Jacques Cousteau over here!

Roger: Well, no I’m not an expert but I do like fish.

Repairman 2: Say no more, my friend and we’ll be outta your way in two seconds over here.

[Roger sits down on the couch beside Woman 2]

Woman 2: Roger, you have to look at these pictures. They are gorgeous! Gena took them on her vacation.

Repairman 2: Hey Bobby, what? Have we got Annie Liebowitz over here?

Repairman 1: We’ve got a freaking Kodak moment up in here!

Gena: Um, excuse me?

Repairman 2: I’m just saying is sounds like you take a lot of photos like Annie Liebowitz or uh, Peter Parker, if you will.

Gena: No, I just happened to take some pictures while I was in Hawaii.

Both Repairmen: Yabo! Hawaii!

Repairman 1: We’ve got a freakin’ Don Ho over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got a “how would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?” over here!

Repairman 1: We’ve got a “pure cane sugar, that’s the one” over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got “book em’ Dano” over here!

Repairman 1: We’ve got kung fu es chin ho over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got… [both do the theme to Hawaii Five-O while making paddling motions]

Both Repairmen: …… over here!

Roger: Hey you guys, how’s the tank coming?

Repairman 2: It’s fine. I think we’ve got the right size filter out in the van.

Roger: Alright, great because we’re just about to have dinner here.

Repairman 2: Dinner? Well, well, well, well, well, well…Dinner!

Repairman 1: We’ve got a frickin’ Chef Boyardee over here!

Repairman 2: [mimicing a DJ scratching a record] Whickety, whick, whick, whick, whick…where’s your white hat, Bobby Flair over here!

Repairman 1: Oh, we’ve got a regular “can you smell what The Rock is cooking” over here!

Repairman 2: It’s like a regular uh, that guy who says bam?

Repairman 1: Bam? I don’t know…

Man 2: Emeril Lagasse!

Both Tepairmen: ….over here!

Roger: [to Man 2] Don’t help them! [to the repairmen] Alright guys, listen, just fix the tank. If you can’t, just leave because my friends and I are just trying to have a good time.

Repairman 1: We’ve got a Jimmie “J.J” Walker over here!

Repairman 2: Temporary layoffs over here.

Woman 2: Stop it! Stop it, the both of you. You’re acting like children.

Repairman 2: Who’s this now, over here? Dr. Benjamin Spock?

Woman 2: Give me a break…

Repairman 1: Give me a break? We’ve got a frickin’ Nell Carter over here!

Repairman 2: Yeah, you’re looking a little like Nell Carter over here. Looks a little like Joe Theisman over here…

Both Repairmen: [singing] Give me a break, give me a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got a…I’m kinda tapped out now.

Repairman 1: Yeah, I’m tapped out, too, unfortunately.

Repairman 2: Definately not our best work.

Roger: Hey you guys?

Repairman 2: “Hey you guys?” What is this? The Electric Company over here?

Roger: No, I just…

Both Repairmen: [interupting] No eye?!

Repairman 1: What are you? Sammy Davis Jr. over here?

Roger: No I just…

Repairman 2: [singing] Aye, aye, aye, aye, over here…

Repairman 1: [singing] Cantae no yorres over here!

Roger: [standing up] No guys I just…Oh my God, the fish! You’ve killed the fish! All your wisecracks….you killed the fish!

[both repairmen run for the door, knocking picture albums in the floor on the way out]

Woman 2: My family pictures!

[fade to Dr. Sherwood’s psychiatry office]

Mr. Daly: Okay guys, you know why you’re here. You were fired from your last job because you compulsively made wisecracks to the degree that you killed an entire tank of fish. To understand this problem we’ll have to do a few tests. I’m going to say a sentence and you just say the first thing that comes into your head, okay?

Repairman 2: Got a Lorraine Bracco over here….

Mr. Daly: I like movies.

Repairman 2: We’ve got a freakin’ Freakle Furrini over here…

Mr. Daly: I like water.

Repairman 2: We’ve got a frickin’ Hydrogen molecule joined with two oxygen molecules over here…

Mr. Daly: Okay guys, that’s very funny but it’s pretty clear to me that you both have some pretty serious compulsions. [writing on a notepad] I’m gonna recommend that we proceed with a course of aggressive shock therapy.

[a doctor opens the door]

Doctor: Oh my God! Mr. Daly, how did you get out of your room?

[Mr. Daly comes out from behind the desk with his pants around his ankles and screaming and starts crawling around at the Doctor’s feet]

Doctor: I’m sorry, this man is very mentally ill.

[fades to an ad for Gary’s Fish Tanks]

Male Voiceover: Don’t let this happen to you! Call Gary’s Fish Tanks, a name you can trust since 1982.

[fades to black]

Thanks to Miranda Leonard for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

The Terrye Funck Show

Terrye Funke…..Chris Parnell
Rickye Funke…..Jeff Gordon

[the beginning of a tape shows “Passions” being taped over by a personal camcorder in a basement. A man walk in front of the camera]

Terrye: [motioning up with hands] Raise it up a little bit, Rickye. I don’t want my big ole’ thighs to show, ok?

[the camera moves up]

Terrye: We’re just gonna shoot this real loose and fat, just like your’s truly here and then we’ll cut it down in editing…it’s showtime!

[he walks back to a table and turns on a boombox and stands to the side of the camera]

Terrye: [singing while holding up pictures of himself in front of the camera] Sometimes we talk about serious things, sometimes we talk about fun things, sometimes I laugh like a baby and you wanna just spank my rump. Wahh! But one thing’s for sure, the Terrye Funk Hour going to be big hit with Uncle Taberick!

[the music stops and Terrye jumps in front of the camera]

Terrye: And here’s Terrye Funke! Hey! [waves] Hi everybody! Thank you so much for buying this tape for five dollars at my mom’s car port sale. Whew! Have we got a show for you today. Hey, do you like my yorkies? [looking at his shirt] This one’s Zach and this one’s Screech. [singing] Hey hey, they’re the Yorkies! People say they yorkie around…

[audience laughs]

Terrye: Oh I’m already going off-script…this show is cooking with Pam! Well I think it’s time to introduce a gentleman that is the only member of my family that of know of that is not a direct product of incest….just yanking your chains mom!

[Terrye goes back and turn on the boombox again]

Terrye: [looking over his shoulder] He’s my favorite cousin, and my cameraman- Mr. Rickye Funke!

[boombox starts playing and Terrye is singing “Abracadabra”. Rickye walks out in front of the camera and starts dancing. Terrye turns off music]Terrye: [to Rickye] “Oh you are so much…” [to audience] “Clearly Rickye got all the cool that I was supposed to get in our family. Thanks Cabbage Patch!

Rickye: I’m not cool? Say what?! Man, I’m super cool!

Terrye: Tell them where you work, Licky Tricky Rickye.

Rickye: [doing karate kicks and punches] I work at…Ollan Mills…Photography…Studios…in the…Su-per…Wal…Mart!

[Rickye does air guitar]

Terrye: Rickye Funke everybody!” [to Rickye] “Now go back and do the camera…

[Terrye sits down and turns on boombox]

Terrye: Ok, um, it’s time to bring out my next guest, you may know him from the first 2 minutes of my show, my favorite cousin Rickye Funke!

[music starts again with Terrye singing “Abracadabra” again. Rickye comes out from behind the camera pulling colored scarves out of his pants. Terrye turns the music off again]

Terrye: [to Rickye] Oh you are too much! Oh, oh wait…you gotta fix the camera: too much head room, tilt it down.

[Rickye gets up and pushes the camera down]

Terrye: Good.

[Rickye waves his hands in front of Terrye before sitting back down]

Terrye: Oh you! Stop that, this is serious…” [crosses legs] “Ok, Rickye thank you so much for being on the first of what I hope is, God willing, many episodes of The Terrye Funke Hour.

Rickye: Well thanks for having me, Terrye and thanks for letting me do my laundry here this afternoon. The smell of your Mom’s dryer sheets kicks ass! [does machine gun motions]

Terrye: Rickye, you are so charismatic! You work at Ollan Mills Photography Studios…

[Rickye jumps up and does karate kicks and punches again]

Rickye: Ollan Mills…Photography…Studios! [sits down]

Terrye: Now I have a question. How on Earth do you make those babies sit still? Babies make me coo-coo-coo-coodle-doo!

Rickye: Well Terrye, I do a thing called “Where’s the Birdie?”, which I made up.

Terrye: Would you mind giving our audience a demonstration?

[Rickye jumps up and flaps his arms like a bird]

Rickye: Where the birdie? Where’s the birdie? Arck! Arck! Arck!

Terrye: Oh Rickye Funke! You crack my butt sideways! That’s why you’ve got so many girlfriends, you’re always out on the town, whereas Fatboy Not-so-slim over here sits at home everynight watching ‘Dirty Dancing’ with his hand down his p.j’s.

Rickye: Why’d you have to go there, Terrye?

Terrye: Cause nobody else will…

[a buzzer sounds]

Terrye: That sound means the show is over… [puts a tape in boombox]

Rickye: …and my laundry’s dry.

Terrye: Thank you to all my guests, especially Rickye Funke and thank you all for watching the Terrye Funke Hour. I’m Terrye Funk, wishing you sleepover giggles and unicorn dreams!

[turns on boombox and jumps out of sight of camera and as music starts playing, holds up credit cards as music plays. Terrye sings “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” as Rickye does karate moves in the background]

Thanks to Miranda Leonard for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow….Tracy Morgan
Robert Forgy….Jeff Gordon
Jose Cruz….Horatio Sanz
Brian’s Mom….Tracy Morgan

Singers:
He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[Brian walks along a cartoon jungle wearing a safari outfit while cartoon animals pass by. He points to some of the creatures and smiles]

Narrator: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…

Singers: Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s, Safari Planet!!

[cut to Brian in his studio sitting in a chair]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow! [applause] Tonight we’re gonna meet some animals. Two of ’em. One of ’em is scary and the other is fuzzy. So let’s get GO-ING! My first guest likes to hang out in trees. You might have seen him in the bible. Please welcome a SNAA-AKE!

[Jeff Gordon walks on with a boa constrictor around his neck.]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Robert Forgy: I’m Robert Forgy of the Lancaster Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Robert Forgy: Hello Brian. This is Orphieus.

Brian Fellow: He looks like a giant worm.

Robert Forgy: Well, he does have a long narrow body, but unlike a worm, a snake has scaly skin.

Brian Fellow: Is he the one that invented this dance? [starts doing the snake, snapping his fingers and gliding his head side to side]

Robert Forgy: You’re doing the snake. Uh, I’m not sure if Orpheius himself invented it, but it is based on the movements of a snake, so I guess in a way he did.

Brian Fellow: That’s Crazy!

Robert Forgy: Do you know why a snake moves like that, Brian?

Brian Fellow: Because of his complex structure

Robert Forgy: That’s right, wow! You know a lot about snakes!

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Robert Forgy: Yes, and uh, as you know, snakes grow. And as snakes outgrow their bodies, they shed their skin.

Brian Fellow: Let me ask you a question. Where are those snake’s arms??

Robert Forgy: Snakes don’t have arms.

Brian Fellow: He’s probably hiding ’em behind his back, and when I’m not looking he’s gonna sucker-punch me!

Robert Forgy: No I promise you, that’s not gonna happen.

Brian Fellow: Well I’m watchin him.

Robert Forgy: I assure you, Orpheius is very friendly, but it’s not uncommon for people to be scared of snakes.

Brian Fellow: But does your snake still work for the devil?

Robert Forgy: No, of course not!

Brian Fellow: Well did he quit or did he get fired?

Robert Forgy: That’s one of the misconceptions people have about snakes.

Brian Fellow: Well you better get him out of here, before I put my foot in his ass and make him a boot!

Robert Forgy: I think we should leave.

Brian Fellow: Good go, I don’t need that sneaky snake causing no trouble on my show! Our next guest eats grass and makes sweaters. Please welcome a sheep! [Horatio Sanz walks on with a black sheep on a leash] And who are you?

Jose Cruz: Hi, I’m Jose Cruz, uh, from the children’s petting zoo in Rochester.

Brian Fellow: Hello Chester.

Jose Cruz: [chuckles] No, I’m Jose.

Brian Fellow: Oh, is that your nickname?

Jose Cruz: No, my real name is Jose.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Jose Cruz: [confused] Hello Brian…I brought with me this beautiful black sheep. His name is Blaster.

Brian Fellow: Well did you see that creepy snake?

Jose Cruz: I sure did!

Brian Fellow: I don’t like his attitude. So tell us about Blaster.

Jose Cruz: Well, Blaster’s very excited to be here, because the Chinese Zodiac calendar, 2003, is the year of the black sheep.

Brian Fellow: Hold on. Are you telling me that he’s uh, Chinese?

Jose Cruz: No no no, I think you misunderstood me.

Brian Fellow: Well make up your mind. First you tell me he’s black, then you tell me he’s Chinese. He’s like Tiger Woods?

Jose Cruz: No, he’s the breed of sheep based on the color of his wool.

Brian Fellow: I’ve always been curious. When they make sweaters out of sheep, which part is their feet?

Jose Cruz: Oh, uh, they don’t make sweaters out of the whole sheep, they take off the wool and they spin it.

Brian Fellow: Oh no. None of that! You’ve entered a no-spin zone on Brian Fellow’s show!

Jose Cruz: [confused] What are you talking about?

Brian Fellow: I honestly don’t know. I saw it on another show and I thought it would work here.

Jose Cruz: Whatever.

Brian Fellow: So, uh, tell us. Do only certain breeds of sheep have horns?

Jose Cruz: You know what, that’s an excellent question. Sheeps’ horns occur, because of…

[a thought bubble appears above Brian’s head. In it, a snake with arms and boxing gloves on speaks to him]

Snake: Hey Brian Fellow, you’re right. I DO have arms. But I’m not gonna punch you, I’m gonna punch your mom!

[Brian’s mom appears next to the snake]

Brian’s Mom: Hey Brian baby!

[snake starts punching her in the head]

Brian Fellow: Stop hitting her!!

Jose Cruz: I assure you, Brian, I wasn’t hitting her. I was petting her fur, the wool.

[thought bubble appears again, with Brian’s mom and the snake together]

Brian’s Mom: It’s ok, Brian! In fact, we’ve got some exciting news! Me and the snake are in love! I’m getting married!

[Brian’s mom and the snake begin kissing]

Brian Fellow: Nooo! You will not marry my mama!

Jose Cruz: [dumbfounded] Look, I don’t even know your mother. I’m gonna leave. This is weird for me, and I live with a sheep!

[Jose walks off stage]

Brian Fellow: Well, that’s all the time we have for today on Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. Join me next time when my guests will be a raccoon and an opossum. I’m Brian Fellow!!

Thanks to Amy Attanasio for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Career Day

Teacher…..Amy Poehler
Capt. Jack Kelly…..Jeff Gordon
Mr. Corbin…..Seth Meyers

[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]

Teacher: Okay, class. Class. Today is Career Day, and Julia and P.J.’s dads have come to talk to you about what they do for a living. Mr. Kelly is a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force.

Kids: [ excited ] Wowwww!!

Teacher: And Mr. Corbin.. sells carpet. [ no response from the disinterested kids ] Okay, um.. Mr. Kelly, why don’t you go first?

Mr. Corbin: [ aware of the great potential of doom for his situation ] Uh, you sure you don’t want me to go first?

Teacher: No-o-o, we’re fine!

Mr. Corbin: Uh.. I think it would be better if I went first.

Teacher: I’m sure it doesn’t matter.

Capt. Jack Kelly: Hello there, kids! My name is Capt. Jack Kelly, but you can call me Cougar.

Kids: [ more excited ] Hi, Cougar!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: I’m a pilot in the United States Air Force, the greatest Air Force in the world! I’ve flown over a hundred missions, and, one time, a bad guy shot my wing off – I had to jump out of my plane and use my parachute.

Kids: Woww!!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: Let’s see.. if I had to sum up my job, I’d say that I get to move faster than any human being on Earth. My life’s like a video game. And I’m proud that I get to keep the world a little bit safer for squirts like you!

Kids: Yay!!!!

Teacher: Thank you, Captain!

Capt. Jack Kelly: Call me Cougar, darlin’!

Teacher: Oh, well! [ giggles ] Thank you, Cougar! Well! [ pause ] Mr. Corbin? Whenever you’re ready.

Mr. Corbin: [ stands, unsure where to start ] Uh.. hey there, kiddos. Um.. my name’s Mr. Corbin.. but you can call me Glen! [ no response ] Uh.. I am a carpeting and flooring salesman for Carpet Solutions.. and I really wish I had gone first!

Teacher: [ laying it on thick ] You’re doing great.

Mr. Corbin: Uh.. there are over fifteen different kinds of carpet: wool.. uh, wool blend.. acrylic.. acrylic blend.. I, uh.. I also sell linoleum..

P.J.: This is so boring!

Teacher: P.J.! That is no way to talk to your father!

Capt. Jack Kelly: [ stands to defend Mr. Corbin ] Come on now, that’s right, troops. You know, let’s focus up here – carpet’s important! I’ll never forget the time when I walked down that long red carpet, when I met the President!

Kids: [ impressed ] Wowww!!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: But that’s my story, I’m sorry.. go on, Glen. [ takes his seat ]

Mr. Corbin: Yeah, I’m done.

Teacher: Yeah. Okay.. okay.. great! Great? Yes! [ encourages kids to clap ] Now, we asked each of our guests to bring something from their jobs. Let’s start with, uh.. Captain Cougar?

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, I hope y’all don’t mind, but I thought I might bring some genuine Air Force pilots wings, for my new co-pilots!

Kids: Wow!!!! [ start grabbing for the wings ]

Capt. Jack Kelly: Slow down, now! There’s plenty to go around, plenty to go around. As a matter of fact.. [ approaches the teacher ] ..I thought that maybe I’d just bring a pair for yourself here, lady!

Teacher: Oh! I do might like a pair! [ giggles ] “I do might like a pair!” [ laughs ] Listen to my grammer! Your teacher is flustered! Well, um.. don’t listen to her today! [ Mr. Corbin attempts to sneak out of the classroom, but is caught ] Mr, Corbin, uh.. what did you bring?

Mr. Corbin: Oh, uh.. it is a.. a book.. of.. carpet samples. [ holds up the book ]

Teacher: Do you want to show the class?

Mr. Corbin: [ shakes head ] No.

Teacher: Okay. Well, now it’s time for questions. When we heard we were having such special guests, we wrote down questions for them. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] Okay.. the first question is for Captain Kelly – Cougar! [ laughs ] “How fast does your plane go?”

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. my plane goes about Mach 2 – which is around 1,400 miles per hour.

Kids: Woww!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, or about three times as fast as Harry Potter, though!

Kids: Wowwww!!!!

Teacher: That’s, uh.. quite fascinating. Um.. let me, uh.. let me find a question here for Mr. Corbin.. [ fishes desperately for a question for Mr. Corbin ] ..there has to be a question here, Mr. Corbin.. uh.. um.. okay.. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] ..here’s one for Mr. Corbin. Mr. Corbin, uh.. [ improvising to cover up the absence of questions for Mr. Corbin ] ..”What is the coolest trick. you’ve ever done.. in your carpeting store?”

Mr. Corbin: I don’t think that question is for me.

Teacher: Oh no, no.. that’s what it says!

Mr. Corbin: [ downtrodden ] Well, it’s, uh.. not really a trick.. but, if you can get a customer to start thinking about the, uh.. possibility of flooding.. you might get them to upgrade to, uh.. a water-resistant fiber.

Teacher: [ feigning interest ] Wow! Cool beans! Just for fun, um.. Cougar.. what is the coolest trick you’ve ever done in your plane?

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. I’m a little biased, but, um.. I’m gonna have to pick The Cougar – it’s a triple barrel role inversion. It also happens to be named after me!

Kids: Yayyyy!!!!

Teacher: That’s what I thought! Well, I think that our guests both have very interesting jobs. Now, kids, if you want to see Mr. Corbin’s carpet samples, you can come up and look at them. [ no response ] And Cougar’s plane is in the parking lot, so..

[ the kids run for the door tp go outside and see the plane ]

Mr. Corbin: [ half kidding himself ] These might not be here when you get back! I only get a half-hour for lunch!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 11th, 2003

Jeff Gordon

Avril Lavigne

None

A Message From Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il (Horatio Sanz) warns United States to leave him alone.

Jeff Gordon’s Monologue

NASCAR wanna-be fans (Chris Parnell, Rachel Dratch) act rowdy for Gordon.

Joe Hetero

Joe (Seth Meyers) keeps his sexuality hidden from female admirers.

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) think snake has arms hidden behind his back.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Access Hollywood

Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) is apprehended for driving under the influence.

Joe Caucasian

Joe (Tracy Morgan) keeps his skin color hidden from female admirers.

Career Day

Carpet salesman (Seth Meyers) can’t compete with fighter pilot (Gordon).

Star Dates

Single woman (Rachel Dratch) paired with rowdy Gary Busey (Jeff Richards) on date.

Joe Not-A-Rapist

Joe (Chris Parnell) keeps his sexual cravings hidden from female admirers.

Avril Lavigne performs “I’m With You”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Rael (Chris Kattan) introduces first cloned human Baby Eve (Rachel Dratch).

Jimmy Fallon mentally praises himself for Grammy nomination.

Gay Hitler (Chris Kattan) has gone Hollywood on Jimmy and Tina.

Gary’s Fish Tanks

Fish tank repairmen (Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon) kill fish while cracking up.

Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose (Jeff Richards) mixes Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) for Cheney.

Joe Dude

Joe (Tina Fey) keeps her gender hidden from female admirers.

Avril Lavigne performs “Complicated”

The Terrye Funck Show

Terrye Funck (Chris Parnell) and cameraman cousin (Gordon) in mom’s basement.

Stripper Pole

In-house stripper pole can liven up any dull party.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory

Willy Wonka…..Jeff Richards
Charlie Bucket…..Amy Poehler
Glen…..Al Gore
Oompa Loompas…..Chris Kattan, Fred Armisen, Will Forte

Announcer: We now return to “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, starring Gene Wilder and some midgets.

[ dissolve to Willy Wonka walking an anatomically-correct Charlie Bucket through the factory ]

Charlie Bucket: You mean it, Mr. Wonka? You really mean it?

Willy Wonka: I certainly do, Charlie. I’m giving my entire factory to you!

Charlie Bucket: Woooww!!

Willy Wonka: We just have one more stop to make before everything’s yours.

Charlie Bucket: Really? Where are we going?

Willy Wonka: Actually.. the thing is.. [ singing comically off-key ] “There’s no earthly way of knowing.. which direction we are going! There’s no knowing where we are going! Or which way the wind is BLOW-OW-ING!!” Actually, we’re just going to the ACcounting Department! [ laughs ] We have a lot of paperwork to get through. [ blows flute, causing office door to open ]

[ Willie Wonka and Charlie enter the office, where accountant Glen is checking orders over the phone ]

Glen: We put in an order for what?! 75,000 pounds of.. snozberries? What the hell is a snozberry?

Willy Wonka: Charlie? This is the factory accountant – my borther Glen. Glen Wonka!

Glen: [ on phone ] Listen, I’m gonna have to get back to you. [ hangs up ]

Willy Wonka: Glen? I have someone here I want you to meet. This.. is Charlie.

Glen: William, I told you not to bring tour groups through here.

Charlie Bucket: Say. Is anything here made out of candy?

Glen: No. Not really. But I think I have some Rolaids in my desk. Knock yourself out. Now.. if that’s all, I really have to get back to work. William. We have to take care of this Oompa-Loompa situation. They need green cards, William! We’re not making tennis shoes here.

Willy Wonka: Glen, Charlie isn’t here for the tour. I’m giving him sole ownership of the factory!

Glen: [ outraged ] You’re doing what?!

Willy Wonka: I’m giving the whole factory here to Charlie!

Glen: You gave our business to an eight-year old child?! For God’s sakes, why?!

Willy Wonka: Because a child’s dream.. is like a thousand candy rainbows.

Glen: Oh, yeah, that makes sense! I’ll tell that to our stockholders when they storm down here and beat us bloody with our candy canes!

Willy Wonka: Glen! Please!

Glen: No, William! I’ve had it! I put up with a lot working here! Riding that insane, psychadelic boat ot my office everyday! Having to step around piles and piles of Oompa-Loompa dung! But I am through with it!

Willy Wonka: What are you saying, Glen?

Glen: What I’m saying, William, is that, thanks to your wizwarbulous ideas, this factory is.. [ crumples reports ] ..hemorrhaging money!! You have a chocolate river running through here! And I’m pretty sure earlier today a fat kid drowned in it. You tell me how that’s helping our bottom line!

Willy Wonka: Glen, please, take it easy!

Glen: Wait! I almost forgot! There’s that billion dollars you spent on that machine that turns giant candy bars into tiny chocolate bars. Help me wrap my brain around that one.. ’cause I’m missing the big profit opportunity!

Charlie Bucket: Actually, that is a good point.

Glen: You want to know how bad things are?! You want to know?! [ into intercom ] Get the report on Third Quarter Earnings!

[ Oompa-Loompas enter office with a song ]

Oompa-Loompas: [ singing ]
“Oompa-Loompa Oopity-Do!
I’ve got the Third Quarter Earnings for you!”

Glen: Save it! I don’t have time. Just cut to the chase!

Oompa-Loompa: Uh.. [ reading ] You’re Oompah Loompah doopity screwed.

Glen: That’s right. We’re Oompah Loompah doopity screwed. And I am tired of it. The kid gloves are off, William! I think it’s really weird that every restroom in this factory has toilets made of graham cracker! I’ve never been comfortable with that! [ Willy Wonka grins like a mischievious jackass ] Is any of this getting through to you, you grinning goon?!

Willy Wonka: Glen, you’re missing the point! This factory isn’t about money. [ misty soundtrack sweeps over ] It’s about making your dreams come true.. no matter how strange or stupid that may seem. Isn’t that right, Charlie?

Charlie Bucket: No way! I’m in it for the long green! for God’s sake, all of my four grandparents sleep in one bed! [ snaps fingers ] Oompa-Loompas!

[ obeying Charlie’s command, the Oompa-Loompas drag a struggling Willy Wonka out of the office ]

Willy Wonka: But, Charlie! What about the magic!

Charlie Bucket: Glen? There are gonna be some changes around here. First: we get a hold of a whole bunch of cheap Mexican chocolate!

Glen: I love it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

The West Wing

…..Al Gore
…..Martin Sheen
…..Allison Janney
…..John Spencer
…..Bradley Whitford

[ Al Gore, still holding chihuahua from the “Politica Fiesta” sketch, and standing on the same set, steps forward to address the audience ]

Al Gore: Recently, I was out in Hollywood, and I had a chance to visit the set of my favorite TV show, “The West Wing”. I had the time of my life.

[ fade to black, then pot up on exterior WB TV studio lot ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office set on “The West Wing” soundstage. Martin Sheen enters set with Al Gore following close behind ]

Martin Sheen: The set covers over two full sound stages, and it takes a crew of over 150 to run it every day.

Al Gore: [ impressed ] Wow! This is an exact replica! Actually dead-on. You know.. I spent a lot of time in the Oval Office, making important decisions with President Clinton.

Martin Sheen: Boy.. I can’t even imagine the enormous burdon of being President.

Al Gore: Yes. President and Vice-President. Say, um.. would you mind ig I, uh.. [ facing the “President”‘s desk ]

Martin Sheen: Oh, sure! Be my guest!

[ Al takes his seat in the “President”‘s chair, feeling very comfortable ]

Martin Sheen: I guess.. while you were Vice-President, you never actually.. got to sit in there?

Al Gore: [ not paying attention ] Sorry?

Martin Sheen: [ flustered ] I was just.. I guess.. you never actually sat in a president’s chair.

Al Gore: [ disillusioned ] No-o.. no, I did not.

[ Allison Janney enters the set ]

Allison Janney: Martin? They’re ready for us.

Martin Sheen: Great! Oh, Allison. I’d like you yo meet Mr. Al Gore.

Allison Janney: [ excited ] It is so wonderful to meet you!

Al Gore: Oh, the pleasure is mine.

Martin Sheen: [ to Al ] You know, Allison and I are about ready to shoot a scene in the Roosevelt Room.

Allison Janney: It’s about global warming.

Al Gore: [ not wanting to leave ] I think I’ll just stay here for a few minutes.. and I’ll catch up with you.

Martin Sheen: [ starting to feel weird about having Al Gore on the set ] Sure.

Al Gore: Great!

[ Martin Sheen and Allison Janney hesitantly exit the Oval Office set, as Gore relishes the feeling of sitting in the “President”‘s chair ]

[ dissolve to “Several hours later” ]

Al Gore: [ picks up red phone ] Get me Putin! [ picks up red phone again ] Get me.. Putin. [ picks up red phone again ] Get me Putin.

[ Martin Sheen re-enters set, with John Spencer in tow ]

Martin Sheen: Excuse me, sir. I’ve got someone who’s dying to meet you.

John Spencer: John Spencer, sir!

Al Gore: Of course! John! I’m a huge fan.

John Spencer: Thank you, sir.

Al Gore: Say, John.. could you do me a small favor?

John Spencer: Of course.

Al Gore: I’m gonna stand over here by the window, with my back to you. And I’d like you to.. step up to the desk and say, “Mr. President? The Joint Chiefs want an answer.”

[ Spencer looks at Sheen with disturbed horror ]

John Spencer: Sure.

[ Gore takes his place by the window ]

John Spencer: “Mr. President? The Joint Chiefs want an answer.”

Al Gore: [ turns dramatically to face Spencer ] “Tell them.. we’re going in!”

Martin Sheen: Anyway.. so.. we’re done for the day, and there’s a great sushi place right near the lot.

Al Gore: Can’t I just stay here?

John Spencer: The problem, sir, is that they.. kinda want to close down the studio.

Al Gore: Can’t I just lock up when I’m done? I’m not gonna take anything.

Martin Sheen: Uh.. suuure.. why not?

John Spencer: Yeah.

Allison Janney: Who is ready for mositashi?

John Spencer: He’s not coming.

Martin Sheen: He, uh.. wants to sit at the desk.. for a while.

Bradley Whitford: Well, he did win the Popular Vote.

[ they all murmur in agreement about the fact, then big a collective “Good night” to Gore before making their exit from the set ]

Al Gore: Good night!

[ the studio lights come down, as gore leans back in the “President”‘s chair and stays through the night ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Coast Guard Carrie…..Amy Poehler
Vidalis…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

The Supreme Court is expected to rule this week whether banning cross burning by groups like the Ku Klux Klan violates the First Amendment. The outcome could determine the entertainment at Trent Lott’s Christmas party.

In a continuing effort to apologize for the statements he made at Strom Thurmond’s birthday party, Trent Lott has agreed to appear on BET – Black Entertainment Television – next week, where he is expected to read the following statement: “I sincerely apologize to the black community for my insenesitive racial remarks, now y’all show some love for Trina & Ludicrus!”

The Navy anounced monday that his next aircraft carrier will be named after former President George Bush, Sr. In a related story, Carnival Cruise Lines’ Clinton of the Seas have been thoroughly disinfected, and will go back into service.

Aw, take a look at this picture. [ Santa Claus hugging a little black girl ] Boy.. we’d never have problems like this if Strom Thurmond was President!

With a Sunday deadline for a transit strike looming, New Yorkers face a possible Monday morning commute without subways or buses. In response, the city has designated areas where large groups of people can get together and shove each other.

United Airlines filed for Chapter 11 federal bankruptcy Monday in Chicago. Not surprisingly, the filing was an hour and 20 minutes behind schedule.

Tina Fey: Last Sunday, twelve-and-a-half million Americans watched “The Sopranos” season finale on HBO. And right after that, creeps like me watched the HBO documentary “Cathouse”, about the Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada. Here now with a follow-up interview, two working girls from Moonlight Bunny Ranch – Coast Guard Carrie and Vidalis.

Coast Guard Carrie: Hi, Tina!

Vidalis: Hi, Tina! Hi, Jimmy!

Tina Fey: So now, from watching the documentary, it looks like most of the women really enjoy working at the Bunny Ranch.

Vidalis: Oh, we love it. I mean.. we’re professionals. Tina. We’re just like a sales team, except.. instead of getting commission, we get cold sores!

[ they laugh ]

Vidalis: Sorry, Tina. It’s kind of an in-joke.

Tina Fey: I think we all got it, actually.. So, how many times a day do you have sex?

Vidalis: Oh, Tina, at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, we don’t call it sex; we call it a party!

Coast Guard Carrie: Yeahh.. we really wanna party with you..

Vidalis: Depending on how much you wanna spend, you can have a Missionary party.. or a Back Porch party.. a Mouth party..

Coast Guard Carrie: You can have a Toe party.. a Back of the Knee party.. You can pretty much name any part of the body, and then say “party”, and we’ll do it.

Tina Fey: Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but you guys make a lot of money working at the ranch, right?

Coast Guard Carrie: Oh, yeahhh.. we make, like, $10,000 a minute.

Tina Fey: Wow.. that’s pretty good.

Coast Guard Carrie: And we’re always looking for new girls, so you should really think about it, Tina.

Vidalis: And, Jimmy, come on down. Come on down – virgins get a discount!

Jimmy Fallon: What are you talking about?

Coast Guard Carrie: If you’re a virgin.. you can have an Elbow party for the price of an Ear party.

Jimmy Fallon: What? Why are you telling me this for?

Tina Fey: He’s a little shy about being a virgin. But.. what can I get him for.. [ retrieves loose change from her pocket ] ..this much?

Vidalis: Um.. a dollar-eighty? We could have.. [ thinking ] ..intercourse with him for three hours.

Tina Fey: Oh, great! The Bunny Ranch ladies, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: [ weakly ] That was just a joke, you know.

As a gesture of gratitude for all they’ve done for her, this week actress Kirsten Dunst bought a house for her parents. And, as a gesture of gratitude to my parents, I finally moved out of their house.

While serving as the emcee for the New York Women In Film & Television luncheon this week, Rosie O’Donnell attacked Winona Ryder, saying that she has been “stealing things for ten years,” and that “her last film sucked.” But Rosie can get away with making comments like that, because, after all, she’s the best middle linebacker in Jets history.

Seventeen-year old basketball phenom LeBron James, who may be the first pick in next year’s NBA draft, scored 31 points in his national television debut this week. This would have never happened if Strom Thurmond were President.

And, finally tonight, a 32-year old Bronx woman named Dawn Martinez gave birth to a baby on a Manhattan subway platform Monday. While no one stopped to help, a few people did throw dollar bills into her vagina.

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken
…..Al Gore
…..Tipper Gore

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”.

[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]

Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show today! And I’m gonna help people! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

[ turns to camera ]

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley, and it’s great to be back! As some of you probably know, I was hit, uh.. by a bus. And, um.. I’m grateful for all the cards.. and letters. Um.. I’d like to start the show.. by making an amends, uh.. to the bus driver, uh.. Luis Calogne, uh.. who felt terrible about the whole thing. Luis, uh.. it was not your fault. I was, uh.. having a horrible week.. I was in a horrendous chain spiral, and.. I essentially let.. the bus.. hit me. I, uh.. I guess I just wanted some drama, which.. I got in spades. And, so, uh.. Luis, I’m.. I’m sorry.

Well! We’ve got a great show today. Because my guests are Al and Tipper G., who have two books out – two books! Good for you! Good for you!

Tipper Gore: Thank you, Stuart.

Al Gore: We’re delighted to be here.

Stuart Smalley: I hear the book is about family?

Tipper Gore: The book is about..

Together: family!

Stuart Smalley: Which is terrific, because family is huge! A huge, huge issue.

Al Gore: Absolutely. And, in the books, we-

Stuart Smalley: [ interrupting ] My family’s extremely dusyfinctional. Mt father is an active alcholic.. big, stinking drunk.

Al Gore: Well.. in the book, we do profile families dealing with stress.

Stuart Smalley: Oh, yes.. and the stories are very inspiring.. wonderful.

Tipper Gore: Thank you.

Stuart Smalley: Well, I think you might have left out one family trauma that I think you two could have written very.. eloquently about.

Al Gore: Uh.. I’m not sure I follow you.

Stuart Smalley: Well, it’s something that happened to.. your family. [ a beat ] Tipper?

Tipper Gore: Honey? I think it’s about the.. election?

Al Gore: Well, sure.. that was a disappointment. But I wouldn’t describe it as.. “traumatic”.

Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper?

Tipper Gore: Well.. it was difficult.

Stuart Smalley: Al? do you hear what Tipper is saying?

Al Gore: Yes. That the outcome of the election was very hard for.. her.. and the children.

Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper.

Tipper Gore: Um.. well, honey..

Stuart Smalley: Go ahead, you can say the “E” word.

Tipper Gore: The eating.

Al Gore: Okay! I was a bit down, and I took some solace in.. food.

Stuart Smalley: Al? Tipper gave me this picture that she took about three months after the election. Now.. I think it’s pretty clear that you were in a humongous chain spiral.

Al Gore: Well, as you can see, I lost the weight, and I’m over it!

Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper? Is he over it?

Tipper Gore: [ faux crying, grabs a Kleenex from Stuart ] Oh, thank you.

Stuart Smalley: Tipper?

Tipper Gore: It’s been difficult..

Stuart Smalley: Yes. Do you think that Al has feelings.. about not being President.

Tipper Gore: Yes.

Al Gore: Well, of course I have! I-

Stuart Smalley: Al, I’m talking to Tipper. [ turns to Tipper ] And, do you think that Al is maybe in denial about his feelings?

Al Gore: Oh, for goodness sakes!

Tipper Gore: Maybe a little.

Stuart Smalley: Do you think it might be good for the whole Gore Family if Al dealt with his.. his feelings?

Tipper Gore: Well.. sure, I do.

Stuart Smalley: You’re doing good work! Good work. Al?

Al Gore: [ fuming ] What?

Stuart Smalley: You are in.. denial. But we are going to trace it, face it, and erase it. I want you to look at the mirror – come on, don’t look at me, only you can help you. [ Al looks into the mirror ] Look at the mirror. Come on. That’s it. Okay. I want you to say.. “Hi, Me!”

Al Gore: [ relunctant ] Hi, Me.

Stuart Smalley: “I am sad.. about not being President.” Come on.

Al Gore: I am.. sad.. about not being.. President.

Stuart Smalley: “And that’s.. okay.”

Al Gore: And that’s okay.

Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be the most powerful man in the world.”

Al Gore: I don’t have to be the most powerful.. man in the world.

Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be able to.. [ thinking ] ..bomb a country any time I want.”

Al Gore: Look, I would never arbitrarily bomb..

Stuart Smalley: Okay, okay.. I-I-I’m sorry. Uh.. “All I have to do is be the best Al I can be.”

Al Gore: All I have to do is.. be the best Al I can be.

Stuart Smalley: “Because I’m good enough..” Come on! “I’m good enough.. I’m smart enough.. and, doggonit, people like me!”

Al Gore: Because I’m good enough.. I’m smart enough.. and, doggonit, people like me!

Stuart Smalley: Feel better? You feel better?

Al Gore: Actually, I.. I do feel better!

Stuart Smalley: You do? You do feel better?

Al Gore: Yes. Actually, I do.

Stuart Smalley: Hug? [ holds arms out ]

Al Gore: No.

Stuart Smalley: Well! It’s been a great show, I want to thank the G.’s. You’ve been terrific. Goodbye! See you tomorrow.. I guess.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Al Gore’s Monologue

…..Al Gore
Sen. Edwards…..Chris Kattan
Sen. Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Sen. Lieberman…..Chris Parnell

Al Gore: Thank you very much! Thank you! It’s great to ne here tihs week in New York, working with this fantastic cast! You know, the good news about not being President is that I have my weekends free. The bad news is that my weekdays are also free. But I just want to say at the outset tonight is not about rehashing things from my past. I mean, we all know there are a few things I should have done differently in the 2000 campaign. Maybe, at times, I was a little wooden and stiff, and I sighed too mcuh, and people said I was patronizing – patronizing, of course, means “talking to people like they’re stupid.” and, maybe they were right.

There’s also a lot about the campaign I’m very proud of. For example, I’ve said many times that one of the best decisions I made was asking Joe Lieberman to be my running-mate. Now, a lot of people don’t realize how intense the process of chooisng a Vice-President can be. It can really get more emotional than oyu would think. [ rubbing chin ] I remember it like it was yesterday..

[ flashback begins; fade to Malibu beach house ]

Al Gore V/O: I had started out with twenty possible running-mates.. and, by July, I had narrowed it down to three.

[ dissolve to Gore standing before Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman inside the beach house ]

Al Gore: Senators Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman. I want to thank you all for agreeing to spend six weeks with me here in Malibu with me.

Sen. Lieberman: This house is so beautiful!

Al Gore: Only one of you will be chosen. But know in your hearts, that you are all very special politicians.

[ dissolve to Sen. Edwards ]

Sen. Edwards: [ in southern accent ] My heart was beating was so fast! When I entered into this, it was kinda as a joke. But now I really wanted him to pick me!

[ dissolve to Sen. Kerry ]

Sen. Kerry: [ confident ] I mean, I’m not worried. There’s a lot of pretty faces around here, but.. come on. I’m the total package! ‘Cause, you know what? I have eleven electoral votes – and I know how to use them.

[ dissolve to Gore addressing the camera alone ]

Al Gore: John Kerry came on a little too strong. Edwards.. I liked. He’s young, he’s energetic..

[ dissolve to Gore having candlelight dinner with Sen. Edwards ]

Al Gore: ..33% of Hispanic-Americans go without coverage for everyday needs, like blood pressure and diabetes medication. That’s just unacceptable.

[ show close-up of Sen. Edward’s love-smitten face ]

Sen. Edwards: You’re amazing! How did you get to be so smart?

[ dissolve to Gore addressing the camera alone ]

Al Gore: Sen. Edwards might be a little too young. Also, he’s from the south, and I love that.. but I just came out of a long-term relationship with a guy from the south, so.. I’m looking for something new. Joe Lieberman and I really hit it off..

[ dissolve to Gore and Leiberman naked in a streaming rose petal-strewn jacuzzi ]

Al Gore: I think we need to take these Social Security funds, that people have worked so hard for, and keep them away from the volatility of the stock market.

Sen. Lieberman: I so totally agree with you.

Al Gore: These funds need to be protected. They need to be put aside.

Sen. Lieberman: I know.. in some kind of.. metaphorical..

Together: Lock-box!

Sen. Lieberman: Oh, my God..!

[ they clink their champagne glasses together, twist their arms around one another’s, and sip ]

[ dissolve back to Gore standing before Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman inside the beach house ]

Al Gore: I want you to know.. that I respect all of you. And I wish I could have three runing-mates, but it’s just not constitutionally viable. [ holds up single long-stemmed rose ] I’ve made my decision.

[ Kerry looks cockily at Gore; Edwards looks at Gore hopefully; Lieberman exchanges a knowing wink with Gore ]

Al Gore: Joe.. will you be my running-mate?

Sen. Lieberman: [ excited ] Yes.. yes.. oh, ye-e-es!

[ dissolve to Sen. Kerry analyzing the results ]

Sen. Kerry: [ weeping ] I can’t believe.. Al didn’t pick me! What is wrong with me..? If I can’t be in the White House.. as Al Gore’s Vice-President.. I don’t ever want to be in the White House..!

[ dissolve to Sen. Edwards analyzing the results ]

Sen. Edwards: I am so embarrassed that he didn’t pick me! I-I can’t believe I made out with him!

[ flashback fades, as we return to Gore standing at Home Base ]

Al Gore: It still pains me to think about how hard Kerry and Edwards cried that night. But I wish them the best, and I’m sure that they’ll make someone a wonderful Vice-President some day. Anyway. If I decide to host, we’ll have a great show for you tonight. Phish is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts