Black Jeopardy Drake

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Amir… Jay Pharoah

Kaylee… Sasheer Zamata

Jared… Drake

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to Darnell in his set]

Darnell: What up? What up? What up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only jeopardy that shares a studio with Tavin Smiley. I’m your host, Darnell Hayes. And our contestants  today are Amir…

[Cut to Amir.]

Amir: What up, bro, bro?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Kaylee…

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Hi.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: And Jared…

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Yeah, it’s actually really good to be her dog. You know, like I couldn’t take the TTC. What man’s made it over anyway, so I’m excited dog.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: What’s going on with your accent there, Jared?

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh me? Well, I’m actually Canadian. I’m a Canadian. I’m from Toronto. But I’m ready. I came, I came to play. So let’s do this. All right.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Wait, you’re a black Canadian?

Jared: Obviously, dog. I mean like, yo, there’s thousands of us. I’m sure you’ve met a few of us before.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: [laughing] Nope. Never met one. Well, good luck to you. All right, let’s check out categories. We got [Cut to game screen] “If it’s Sunday”, “Oh, snap!”, “Bye Felicia!”, “Bruh…”, “In my house”, and as always, “White people”. Alright Amir, you’re all returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay. Let’s do “If it’s Sunday” for 200.

Darnell: All right. “If it’s Sunday, uncle Trey is going to be wearing this.”

[buzzer sound]

Amir.

Amir: What is this? A knee length easter suit

Darnell: Yeah. That’s it. Yeah. Long as hell. Long as hell, with a whole mess of buttons. Alright. Your pick, Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s go to “Oh snap!” for 200.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap! Is that your hair?”

[buzzers sound]

Kaylee?

Kaylee: What is, “It’s mine cause I bought it!”

Darnell: Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. Show them the receipt, you know. Alright. The board is yours, Keely.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Okay, let’s stay with, “Oh snap!” for 400.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap. I want to see his face when she finds him.”

[buzzer sound]

Amir.

Amir: Oh, who is Jay Z?

Darnell: Yeah. Right. I guess he got a hundred problems now. You pick, Amir.

Amir: Okay. [Cut to Amir] Cool, cool, cool. Let’s say with “Oh snap!” for 600.

Darnell: Okay. “Oh snap! This comedian was crazy in the 80s with his raw and delirious routines.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh, he’s hilarious. Dog. Who is Rick Maraniss?

Darnell: No! But, that’s a good try, Jared. Why don’t you try picking another category?

Jared: Alright the. Let’s go to “Bro” for 200.

Darnell: It’s “Bruh”. All right. The answer. “Bruh… He thought the best way to get that fame was to be a woman.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

Jared: Who is Caitlin Jenner?

Darnell: No. Have some respect for choice.

[buzzer sound]

Kaylee.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Who is Tyler Perry?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: That’s it. I mean he did like eight movies in a house coat. Alright, the board is your’s, Kaylee.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Let’s stay with “Bruh…” for 400.

Darnell: Alright. “Bruh… He’s been playing for a while now, but he’s still putting up big numbers.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: This is easy. Who’s my man? Jaromir Yawger yo!

[Cut to Darnell]

You say Yama say what now?

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Come on, dog! He’s a hockey player. The man won the Art Ross trophy four years in a row, fam.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: J-J-Jared! I don’t know you speaking English, but it ain’t my English. The actual answer was dirt. The biscuit.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Come on, Darnell. Black people live all over the world. Gee. You can’t just put us all into one category like…

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Hey, maybe. So Jared, I’m going to go ahead and let you tell that to our American police. Let’s just hear about today. Francis Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy video bumper]

Male Voice: Thanks Darnell. Today’s black jeopardy winner will receive a month supply of topFoil. Your tupperware bowls don’t have lids? Put some top topfoil on. Stays secure for up to one day. And Oven Heat. Don’t drive up your electric bill. Use oven heat! The easy way to heat your home. Back to you, Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yeah. Yeah. Use that oven heat. Alright, Jared. The board is still your’s.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh! Let’s go to “Oh snap!” for eight.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap. His new album just dropped and it’s fire.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

Jared: I got this. Who is OFA?

Darnell: Excuse me?

Jared:  Come on, fam! He’s a rapper. He was nominated for a Juno award, G.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: You know it’s like it landed here on earth from a spaceship. No, good rap comes from Canada. Okay? What about Drake? Dog! Who are these people you keep mentioning? Jared, I think Canada is messing up with your blackness.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Why do I have to be your definition of black? Huh? You’re judging me before you even know? It’s making me so angry inside dog!

[right answer bell ringing]

Darnell: You just said the secret black phrase of the day, Jared! You win the game. Alright. [music playing] Oh! Well the sound of slow jam means it’s time to wrap it up. Tune in next week where we give away two tickets to the Sister-Sister reunion show.

[The End]

White Contestant in Black Jeopardy

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Amir… Jay Pharoah

Keeley… Sasheer Zamata

Alison… Elizabeth Banks

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to the show set] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Alright. Wad up, wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy, the only jeopardy that’s produced entirely in cash. I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Our contestants are Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Come on now, bro!

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Hi!

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: And Alison.

[Cut to Alison. She is a white woman.]

Alison: Thank you. So good to be here.

[Cut to Darnell. He checks his cards.]

Darnell: Um, Alison, you know this is Black Jeopardy, right?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Oh yeah, I dated a black guy once. So, I don’t see color. It’s just Jeopardy to me.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Okay, we’ll see how that goes. Um, let’s check out our categories. We got…

[cut to the game screen]

“It ain’t like that”, “who’s try’na”, “I don’t know you!”, “shaking my head”, “what had happened was”, and as always “white people”.

[Cut to Darnell]

Amir, you’re a returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, cool. Let’s do “I don’t know you!” for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer there… The cashier wants your phone number for a price plus card.

[Cut to the contestants. Amir presses the buzzer.]

Amir.

Amir: What is… “I don’t know you. You ain’t put me in the system.”

Darnell: That’s right. [Cut to Darnell] That’s right. Big brother, you know what I’m saying? Big brother. Go ahead Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, cool. Let me get “I don’t know you” for four.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. The waiter wants to know if you got allergies.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is… “I don’t know you. If I’m itchy that’s my business.”

Darnell: You damn right. [Cut to Darnell] You damn right. What? I can’t even itch when I wanna? Come on!

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Right? Okay. Let’s stick with “I don’t know you”.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer… The man in the bus station says he needs to use your phone due to a personal emergency.

[Cut to the contestants. Alison presses the buzzer.]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: What is… “I don’t know you… or what you’ve been through. So, I have no right to judge your experience.”

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: No. Might be a long night for you, Alison. Keeley, still your pick.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let me get “Who try’na” for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. The answer… He try’a act like nothing happened.

[Amir presses the buzzer]

Amir

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Oh! Who is Jason PA Paul?

Darnell: Oh, you damn right. [Cut to Darnell] You damn right. Come on, man! Ain’t got no damn figures. What you think? We ain’t gonna notice. Ya’ll dead with a Gumby hat. Come on!

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Alright, let’s stick with “Why try’na”.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. They try’na act like Jesus don’t exist.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is Starbucks?

Darnell: That’s it! [Cut to Darnell] That’s it! It’s a shame. It’s a shame.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let’s stay with “Who try’na” for $600.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer… After everything he did, he try’na act like he don’t owe us an explanation.

[Alison presses the buzzer]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Who is Bill Cosby?

Darnell: No. [Cut to Darnell] I’m sorry, but no. The answer was Tom Brady. Tired of him winning all the time. You know?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Just as a white person, I’m not really sure how to answer these questions.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, I’m sorry, you’re white? I don’t see color. Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeoprady prize video]

Male voice: Thanks Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive a gift certificate to Leonard’s All White Menswear Palace. All whie suits in shades from eggshell to pearl! Be the head of your prom, funeral or NBA draft. Made for distinguished black men and a few fancy lesbians. Leonard’s All White Menswear Palace. And Long-Ass Wire. Now you can have cable television in every room of your house. It’s easy. With Long-Ass Wire. Back to you Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: I like that long ass wire. Okay, Amir. The board if your’s.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, okay. Um, let’s go with “What had happened was” for $400.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer there… Your lights went off.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: See, what had happened was, I was on my way to pay the bill and then I just didn’t.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yeah, yeah. That happens. That happens.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Let’s stay with “What had happened was” for eight.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. We were there. Where were you?

[Alison presses the buzzer]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Well, it just so happened…

[wrong answer buzzer]

Darnell: No. [Cut to Darnell] No.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Okay, no. What happened in this particular case…

[wrong answer buzzer]

Darnell: No. I appreciate you trying though. Why don’t you go ahead and pick.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Alright. Let’s do “It ain’t like that” for $800.

[Cut tot he game screen]

Darnell: Okay then.

[The game screen shows ‘Daily Double’]

Wow, looks like you got the video Daily Double. And you’re little behind Alison but you can catch up right here. Let’s see the clue.

[Cut to 5 standing in front of a painting.]

Speaker 5: What’s up? In 1943, an artist named Archibald Motley painted the picture behind me. My question is, after all these years who killed Tupac?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Alison?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Okay, I think I’m getting the hang of this. I’m gonna say, Tupac was killed by a corrupt justice system that threatens us all.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, I’m sorry, but that was a trick question. The answer is that Tupac is still alive.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. He’s down in Cuba at the Illuminati Hotel. That’s where he at.

[Cut to the contestants]

Alison: It’s just… uh! Like, no matter what I do, I can’t win.

[right answer bell ringing] [Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yes! That is the blackest thing you said all day, Alison. All the points go to you.

[music playing]

Oh-oh! Well, the sound of the slow jam means it’s time to leave the party. So, we gonna take a break. When we come back, one of our contestants will win two tickets to Love & HipHop on Ice.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Oh! That sounds fun. What is that?

[The End]