Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett
Tara… Ego Nwodim
Hayley… Heidi Gardner
Ashley… Aidy Bryant
Tip… Mikey Day
Dern… Pete Davidson
Townsen… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”
[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.
[Cut to Tara in her home]Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.
[Cut to Heyley]Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.
[Cut to Ashley]Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”
[Cut to Beck]Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.
[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.
Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.
Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.
Tara: I’ll do it.
Beck: Really?
Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?
Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.
Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.
Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.
Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.
Tim: Sweet.
Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.
Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!
Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–
Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.
Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?
Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.
Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–
Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.
Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.
Heyley: Whoever is fine.
Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?
Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.
[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]Townsen: Hazza and hello?
Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.
Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.
Heyley: That’s fine.
Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.
Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.
Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.
Heyley: Whatever.
Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.
Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.
Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.
Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.
Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?
[The End]