Jim Nantz… Beck Bennett
Phil Simms… Taran Killam
Derrick Watkins, Terrence White, Devin Peters, Kendrick Douglas… Kenan Thompson
Kyle Jeffries, Bart Doleman… Bobby Moynihan
Terry Pope, Lavar Washington, Jacob Reynolds, Abaskuul Sulemon… Jay Pharoah
Victor Naples, Jeffrey Wilkins, Donald Washburn, Barry Jenkins… Chris Pratt
Calvin Williams, Greg Watkins… Kyle Mooney
Marvin Ingram… Michael Che
Willie Sampson, Wendell Jones… Pete Davidson
Tim Stevens… Colin Jost
Mrs. Kendrick Douglas… Leslie Jones[Starts with NFL intro] [Cut to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. They are the show reporters.]
Jim Nantz: Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS. I’m Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.
Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim.
Jim Nantz: Obviously, NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now, with the series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.
Phil Simms: But they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.
Jim Nantz: Accountability. That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet Baltimore Raven’s offense.[Cut to Derrick Watkins]
Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. Assault![Cut to Kyle Jeffries]
Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Man slaughter![Cut to Terry Pope.]
Terry Pope: Terry Pope. Abort an assault rifle to a barbecue.[Cut to Victor Naples]
Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch of stuff.[Cut to Calvin Williams]
Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Lootering with an intent to murder.[Cut to Marvin Ingram]
Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.[Cut to Willie Sampson]
Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason.[Cut to Jeffrey Wilkins]
Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution.[Cut to Terrence White]
Terrence White: Terrence White. I od’ed on penis pills.[Cut to Lavar Washington]
Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman. That’s federal, baby.[Cut to Tim Stevens]
Tim Stevens: And I am the punter. Tax fraud.[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]
Jim Nantz: Wow, certainly a different line than we used to see.
Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the team looks significantly different than they did last week.
Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.
Phil Simms: I notice that as well.
Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they receive for their offences?
Phil Simms: [speaking secretly] Well, no, there weren’t any. So were not.
Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panther’s defense.[Cut to Jacob Reynolds]
Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club.[Cut to Donald Washburn]
Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American taliban.[cut to Wendell Jones]
Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine.[Cut to Devin Peters]
Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford.[Cut to Bart Doleman]
Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nothing yet, but I’m gonna.[cut to Barry Jenkins]
Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.[Cut to Greg Watkins]
Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was in that cruise too. It was pretty fun.[Cut to Abaskuul Sulemon]
Abaskuul Sulemon: Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate.[Cut to Kendrick Douglas]
Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.[Cut to Mrs. Kendrick Douglas]
Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife. I hit his ass back.[Cut to Melvin McDonald]
Melvin McDonald: Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers.[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]
Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.
Phil Simms: So, let’s get you straight to the field for kick off. We’ll see you back here for the half time show featuring Chris Brown. And a very special tribute to Pacman Jones.
Jim Nantz: Yes, it’s the NFL on CBS.[Ends with an outro]