John Roberts… Mikey Day
Judge Mathis… Kenan Thompson
Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett
Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon
John Bolton… Cecily Strong
Hunter Biden… Pete Davidson
Donald J. Trump… Alec Baldwin
Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat
Vinny… Kyle Mooney
[Starts with a message video]
Male voice: After a months of anticipation, the impeachment trial of President Trump wound up consisting of two weeks of dry debate and posturing and will conclude without any witness testimony or new evidence. For those hoping for more, here is… THE TRIAL YOU WISH HAD HAPPENED!
[Cut to John Roberts in his chair hitting the gavel]
John Roberts: Order! Order in the chamber.
[cheers and applause]
I am Chief Justice John Roberts and I will be overseeing these proceedings with complete dis-interest.
[Judge Mathis walks in]
Judge Mathis: The hell you will be.
John Roberts: Oh! Judge Mathis?
Judge Mathis: That’s right. This court needs a real judge who got some big brass ones under his skirt. Scoot!
John Roberts: Okay, do you want my gavel?
Judge Mathis: Fool! I brought my own. Watch out!
[John Roberts leaves. Judge Mathis sits on the chair.]
Now, we about to do this trial right. Where is that sneaky little Mitch?
[Cut to Mitch McConnell walking in the courtroom through the door]
Mitch McConnell: Yes. Hello, I’m a sneaky little Mitch your honor. And I just want to remind the American people that all men are innocent after proven guilty.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: You mean, until proven guilty.
[Cut to Mitch McConnell]
Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha-ha. Sure.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Alright. Let’s get Trump’s defense out here. Where is Lindsey Graham?
[Cut to Lindsey Graham walking in the courtroom through the door]
Lindsey Graham: Thank you your honor. [walks straight to a podium] Now, I may be a simple country but I have studied this from top to bottom. And I don’t see any other option.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: You studied the case?
[Cut to Lindsey Graham]
Lindsey Graham: No. I studied my chances of getting reelected and it ain’t gonna happen unless I kiss Mr. Trump’s skirts and tickle his biscuits. And that’s why I do declare that Mr. Trump is innocent, or my name is not Lindsey Valery Bobragart Matlock Graham.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: So, you’re not worried about how this will go down in history?
[Cut to Lindsey Graham]
Lindsey Graham: Look, where I come from, we have our own history books and all the cover of T-Rex is having a confederate flag to Jesus. Okay!
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Alright. I am done with this nonsense. We are calling witnesses coz that’s how a damn trial works. John Bolton, get your ass in here!
[Cut to John Bolton walking in the courtroom through the door]
Judge Mathis: And Mr. Bolton, what do you have to say for yourself?
John Bolton: Your honor. The things I saw president Trump do inside made me deeply worried about the future of democracy.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: And why are you only coming out with this now?
[Cut to John Bolton]
John Bolton: Coz I’m a messy bitch who loves drama.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Ooh! Now, this I like! Okay! Come on! Don’t leave me unread. Give me some of that hot tea. What else is in that book of your’s?
[Cut to John Bolton]
John Bolton: No, no! Sorry judge. No more free spoilers. But, you can preorder the book now. It’s called ‘Harry Potter and the room where it happened.
[Mitch McConnell stands up]
Mitch McConnell: Your honor, I object. If we’re hearing from John Bolton, we should hear from Hunter Biden too.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Oh, you know I’m calling Hunter Biden too. What do you think? I hate hilarious witnesses? The court calls Hunter Biden.
[Cut to Hunter Biden hoverboarding into the courtroom through the door]
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Well, Hunter, thank you for coming.
Hunter Biden: Hey, you’re not gonna believe this but my schedule was wide open.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: And how exactly are you mixed up in all of this?
[Cut to Hunter Biden]
Hunter Biden: Um, I’m not. The president is just kind of pointing at me to distract from his own crimes.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: And what’s your current job?
[Cut to Hunter Biden]
Hunter Biden: Oh, I’m on the board of the Brazilian money laundering company called, um, Nepo-tismo.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: So, you admit you only got the job because of your father?
[Cut to Hunter Biden]
Hunter Biden: That’s right. I’ve been selling Biden steaks for my office at the top of Biden tower and letting foreign leader stay. Oh, wait! No, that’s the president’s sons. You burn!
[John Bolton rotates on his hoverboard.]
[Cut to Mitch McConnell]
Mitch McConnell: Your honor, this is ridiculous. He clearly received money in exchange for political influence. Which reminds me,… [music playing] [advertising COAL] Coal, beautiful, clean, the way of the future. This one lump of coal can power a light bulb for almost two minutes.
[Cut to Lindsey Graham]
Lindsey Graham: And I’d like to do a quick one for guns. [advertising GUNS] Guns, you can’t watch a Super Bowl without a gun.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Alright, there will be no more ads in my courtroom.
[Cut to Mitch McConnell]
Mitch McConnell: Then, your honor, I would like to call three more lawyers on behalf of President Trump.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: You, shut up. In this version of the trial, Trump is defending himself. The court calls Donald J. Trump.
[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the courtroom with the help of mobility walker]
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Okay, now, what is happening here?
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Your honor, I’m a very sick old man. How could I withhold aid from the Ukraine? I can barely get around the house.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: President Trump, are you trying to weinstein me right now?
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: In which sense? Because Harvey and I overlap in a few areas.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Mr. President, what is your defense?
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: My defense is very simple, your honor. I’m guilty but it ain’t nothing!
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Okay, that’s a warning. Do the democrats have a response? Adam Schiff?
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: Thank you, your honor.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Mr. Schiff, are you crying?
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: No. It’s just my gecko eyes have been wide open for 86 straight hours.
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: There he goes Schifty Schiff, two shifts to the wind. She shifts, sea Schiff, by the Schifi-gy! I’m sorry. I just had one of my favorite mini-strokes.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Okay, I’m sorry. I’m not having it with the Schiff. I need a real lawyer. Who is around? Where is my cousin Vinny at?
[Cut to Vinny walking in the courtroom. He’s wearing leather jacket and a gold chain.]
Vinny: Hey, your honor. I object to this entire line of questioning!
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: You object?
[Cut to Vinny]
Vinny: That’s right. You see, There’s no way this guy Trump only met with two yukes.
[Cut to Mitch McConnell]
Mitch McConnell: Um, two what? Did you just say yukes?
[Cut to Vinny]
Vinny: Yeah, two yukes, you know? Two Ukrainians!
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: That is too dumb even for this, my cousin Vinny. You can leave. Thank you. President Trump, would you like to make a closing statement?
[Cut to Donald Trump. He’s wearing an enormous afro-hair wig.]
Donald Trump: I would, your honor.
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Take that Phil Spector wig off.
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Okay, I actually thought it was an improvement, but fine! Ladies and gentlemen of this government place, what I’ve learned from this trial is that clearly nothing I do or say has any consequence, so I’d like to come clean about everything. The call with the Ukraine wasn’t perfect. It was illegal. And frankly it was a but dial. Also, I watch CNN all the time and it’s awesome. I hate the following states: Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvanya, Arkansas and West-Virginia. West-Carolina, I’m sorry. I cheat all the time at golf, taxes, wives, elections and bathroom scandals. I’m not 239 pounds. I’m 475 pounds. And I don’t really need this walker either, although it helps me be lazier which I like. What else? Oh, I cut the funding to the CDC so this Wang Chung virus is really gonna be bad. But this trial has been incredible because I now have a best friend. Mitch McConnell, get in here Mitch!
[Mitch McConnell walks in]
He’s a ride or die bitch. And we’re gonna be linked forever, right Mitch?
[music playing]
Mitch McConnell: [singing] What have I done?
Who am I now?
Have I just thrown away all of my dignity
Am I a clown?
[John Bolton and Lindsey Graham walk in]
John Bolton and Lindsey Graham: [singing] That’s insulting to clowns!
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: Alright, [hits his gavel twice] Judge Mathis finds the defendant guilty on all charges. He is fined $10,000 and I’m forcing him to say one nice thing about Nancy Palosi.
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Fine! Her body is an eight!
[Cut to Judge Mathis]
Judge Mathis: I’ll take it. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!