Phoenix… Cecily Strong
Lee… Bowen Yang
Korona… Ego Nwodim
Toyota… Chris Redd
Robert… Beck Bennett
Heidi Gardner
[Starts with “Soulcycle Virtual Workouts” intro]
[Cut to Phoenix in her home]
Phoenix: Welcome. Welcome. My name is Phoenix, as in the University of… Soulcycle’s closed right now. So, we put together this live stream with the trainer fan. We may not have bikes, but that won’t stop us from charging you to watch us working out. Let’s go!
[Cut to Lee in his home]
Lee: Wad up, wad up, Soulcycle computer? They call me Lee, short for Harvey Oswald. It’s crazy to think that people could be watching this anywhere to Los Angeles to California. I’ve been hearing a lot about squatters, right? So, let’s get ’em. [starts squatting] Always try to keep a positive attitude. I moved to New York two days before quarantine. Shoutout to my roommate who catfished me. He ain’t no leggy blonde, but it’s his personality I fell in love with. Let’s go!
[Cut to Korona in her home]
Korona: My name is Korona with the K. I’m always overcoming adversity. When I was little, they told me I was pretty enough to act like not model. So, I joined tiktok where I do neither. Let’s go!
[Cut to Toyota in his home]
Toyota: I am Toyota. And I hear a lot of people talking about antibodies. Ah! Pro body. Quarantine, day two, let’s go!
[Cut to Robert in his home]
Robert: I am Robert, like, Julia Robert. And I’m good vibes only. Who do I stay home for? Me! Because I’m quarantined and on house arrest. Two birds, let’s go!
[Cut to Heidi in her home]
Heidi: What’s up? I’m Molly. Sorry, I’m on Molly. I’m not gonna get COVID-19 coz I’m 22. Liberate Michigan, let’s go!
[Heidi is working out]
Wow! It’s burning now.
[Cut to Lee]
Lee: This pandemic has affected everyone. Coachella, cancelled. South by south west, cancelled. Bill Cosby, cancelled. How dare? We need doctors right now. Let’s push!
[Cut to Toyota]
Toyota: Commit to what you start! [sits on his couch] I ain’t finishing ‘ozark.’ Let’s go!
[Cut to Lee]
Lee: I’m on a juice cleanse right now. Corox juice. Eat clean!
[Cut to Heidi]
Heidi: This one’s called the bow and arrow. [stretching the resistant band] It’s gonna go way back! [the resistant band hits her cheek] Oh! Oww!
[Cut to Korona]
Korona: My mantra, eat, pray, pray. That’s right. I’m not and religious. It’s a trap. Let’s go!
[Cut to Lee]
Lee: Just because we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we can’t connect, meet up, go to the beach, hug, touch, kiss an old guy on the mouth at the mall. Let’s go!
[Cut to Phoenix]
Phoenix: I just got word that our positive attitude and good bodies cured coronavirus. [wears her glasses] Oh, wait. Oh, no. Sorry. Rooter’s Steakhouse is delivering. Ah!