Danny Kilmartin… Beck Bennett
Yolanda beaks… Cecily Strong
Tom Sturgeson… Alex Moffat
Lenny Martin… Pete Davidson
Renee Genevieve… Kate McKinnon
Ronald Kellogg… Kenan Thompson
Heidi Gardner
Kevin… Chris Redd
Tim Franklin… Charles Barkley
Catherine LeBourge… Aidy Bryant
Jack… Luke Null
[Starts with a video clip of Hollywood city]Male voice: And now, The Academy of Sexual harassment and Misconduct in Hollywood presents, The Grabbies. Celebrating this year’s worst behavior in entertainment. We take you live to the red carpet with [Cut to Danny and Yolanda in the event] Danny Kilmartin and Yolanda Beaks.
Yolanda: Alright, it is finally that time of year. And what a year it’s been.
Danny: I’m sure excited, and as a man, I’m nervous. [smiling]
Yolanda: So many folks in Hollywood have been accused of so much this year but who will take home the coveted Grabbie?
[Danny shows the award. The award is two hands positioned as they’re going to grab something.]Danny: I was about to jokingly grab you with the award, Yolanda, but then I stopped myself.
Yolanda: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good instinct, Danny. And look who’s heading our way. Grabby nominee, Tom Sturgeson.
[Tom Sturgeson walks in]Tom Sturgeson: Hey, guys. Hey, it’s really upsetting to be here tonight. [smiling]
Danny: So, Tom, you’re nominated for ‘Handsiest Actor’.
Tom Sturgeson: Um, that’s right. I gave out a lot of unwanted massages to my female costars. Also, I showed an intern my penis and said, “Any idea?”
Yolanda: Wow! Don’t want to jinx it but that sounds like award winning behavior to me.
Tom Sturgeson: Well, thanks. You think so, but it’s such a tough category this year. The competition is so stiff. I’m sorry, poor choice of words. I just mean everyone’s rock hard to be here.
Yolanda: Okay. Move along.
Tom Sturgeson: Yeap, I get that.
[Tom Sturgeson walks away]And look who it is. Approaching us on the red carpet, one of the nominees for ‘Most Open Robe’, Lenny Martin.
Danny: Lenny, who are you wearing tonight?
Lenny Martin: Um, thin sweatpants with no underwear.
Yolanda: Umm, terrific. Now, this is such a huge moment for you. You must be so ashamed!
Lenny Martin: You think so but no.
Danny: Now, can you give us a preview of your speech tonight if you win?
Lenny Martin: Of course. Well, first I’d like to thank guns for pivoting the national conversation away from harassment. I’d also like to thank my uncle for always saying, “Boys will be boys.” Even when it was like OJ. And of course, I’d like to thank drugs and puking for keeping me in shape. It’s hard to look this good when you’re 57.
Danny: Ha-ha-ha. I like this guy.
Yolanda: Danny, don’t!
Danny: Alright.
Yolanda: Now, let’s start over to Renee who is standing by with a very special guest.
[Cut to Renee. She is standing with Ronald Kellogg and Heidi. Ronald Kellogg and Heidi are together. They’re holding hands.]Renee: That’s right. I’m here with Ronald Kellogg who is receiving the coveted ‘Cecil B. Molestin’ lifetime achievement award.
Ronald Kellogg: You know, when I started out in this business I was just a kid with two hands, one floppy penis and no sense of boundaries. And now look at me. Praise to the devil. And if the clean up crew at the Peninsula Hotel is watching, get to bed you guys. You’re gonna have a big morning tomorrow.
Renee: [laughing] Okay, great. And is this your wife? [pointing at Heidi]
Ronald Kellogg: Um, no, this is a prostitute.
Heidi: This is fun.
Ronald Kellogg: Oh, you like that? Why don’t you eat this apple?
Renee: Okay, cool. Back to you Yolanda and Danny.
[Cut to Yolanda and Kevin. Kevin is there replacing Danny]Yolanda: Oh, correction! Yolanda and Kevin. Because that stuff we always suspected about my cohost Danny just showed up on Babe.net.
Kevin: Happy to be here. Is this a trap?
Yolanda: And look who it is. He is nominated tonight for “Best Non Apology’, Tim Franklin.
Tim Franklin: Hey, honey. How is it going?
Yolanda: And his hand is already on the small of my back.
Tim Franklin: Oops! That’s why I’m nominated.
Yolanda: Yeah. Now, when women first started speaking out in Hollywood, you made a public statement.
Tim Franklin: That’s right. I said all women deserve to be heard.
Yolanda: Right. And then, when a woman accused you of misconduct, what did you do?
Tim Franklin: I called her a liar and troll. I had my lawyer publish her home address.
Kevin: Um, but I can’t help notice you’re wearing several pins. Is that a “Time’s Up” pin right up there?
Tim Franklin: Oh, it’s a “Tim’s up”, coz my name is “Tim”, and I’m “UP” to trying anything.
Yolanda: And, does that one say, “I’m with her?”
Tim Franklin: No. It says, “I’m with Herpes.” The doctors gave it to me this morning.
Yolanda: Well. I hope you get what’s coming to you. And Renee, what kind of swag bag are people taking home tonight?
[Cut to Renee]Renee: Well, all the nominees tonight get a gift certificate to Massage Envy. They’ve got over 1,000 locations and over 10,000 accusations. And speaking of accusations, here comes the first woman ever nominated for a Grabby, Catherine LeBourge
Catherine LeBourge: Yes, so proud to be here.
Renee: Wow! You know, for a woman to get accused, you must have done something truly extraordinary.
Catherine LeBourge: Yes. I bit off an intern’s penis.
Renee: Ah! Amazing. Amazing.
Catherine LeBourge: Yeah. Well, I thought it was a about time that Women got into some trouble too. That’s why from here on out, I’ll be peeping peepees and squeezing sausages all over Tinseltown.
Renee: Okay. That’s great. And which movie did you work on this year?
Catherine LeBourge: Oh. “Shape of Water.” It was actually my job to get the fish horny.
Renee: Well, congratulations. And back to Yolanda and Heidi.
[Cut to Yolanda and Jack. Jack is replacing Kevin.]Yolanda: Nope. Kevin’s gone too. This is… I wanna say Jack.
Jack: I’d rather not say.
Yolanda: Oh! Good call. We’re gonna take a quick break. And we’ll be back with the nominees for ‘Best Animated Grope’ and ‘Worst Thing Done To A Plant.’
Jack: Oh, man! Twitter just found out my name.
[Cut to The Grabbies video bumper]Male voice: When The Grabbies return on ABC.