Windy… Kate McKinnon
Peter Pan… Cecily Strong
John… Beck Bennett
Talkerbell… Aidy Bryant
Captain Hook… James Franco[Starts with Peter Pan intro]
Male voice: We now return to Peter Pan live, starring Allison Williams and Christopher Walken.[Cut to two men and a women tied on a wood in a ship.]
Michael: Windy, what do we do? Captain Hook is gonna make us walk the plank.
Windy: Don’t worry Michael. I’m sure Peter Pan will come to save us.[Cut to Peter Pan]
Peter Pan: [cuckooing] Did somebody say my name?[Cut to everybody.]
Michael, Windy and John: Peter Pan![Cut to Peter Pan]
Peter Pan: Yes, it is I. The boy who will never grow up. And yes, you heard me, I’m a boy. The most gorgeous womanly boy with shiny bright eyes and feminine features. A boy![Cut to Michael, Windy and John]
John: And look, it’s Tinkerbell.[Cut to Peter Pan looking at the light]
Peter Pan: Well, Tinkerbell is out of town. But I found a replacement fairy.[Cut to the fairy]
Talkerbell: Wad up, players? Yes, that’s right. It’s me Talkerbell. I am back and that’s what’s up.[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]
Michael: Ew, Peter, what is that?[Cut to Talkerbell]
Talkerbell: Oh, please, fancy business baby. Okay, you know me. I’m Tinkerbell’s half sister. I’m half fly, half fairy, which means fairy dust-dust shake off my ass. But I also enjoy landing on raw meat and going like this.[Talkerbell rubs her hands like a housefly.] [Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]
Peter Pan: Talkabell, focus. We need to free Windy, Michael and John.[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]
Windy: Yes, free us Talkabell.[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]
Talkerbell: Oh, well, do not bust my ass around, okay? Peter, I do not work for you, okay? I work for myself and a reverse tooth fairy. That’s why I fly into kid’s bedrooms, I take a dollar and I leave one of my own teeth. And I got a lot of teeth, so business is very cool.[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]
Peter Pan: Wow, that story makes me want do dance with my shapely boy legs.[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]
Windy: Oh, no, Peter. Look, here comes Captain Hook.[Cut to Captain Hook . He is with his crew.]
Captain Hook: Well, hello there. It’s me, Captain Hook. The most terrifying pirate in all of– never land. Boo.[Cut to Talkerbell]
Talkerbell: Okay, this is Captain Hook? That’s a damn![Cut to Captain Hook]
Captain Hook: Wow. You’re not spooked by me?[Cut to Talkerbell]
Talkerbell: Um, that’s a no, Hook. Coz with that make up, you look like a gay, sire.[Cut to Captain Hook]
Captain Hook: Well, maybe this scary song will change your mind.[Captain Hook and the crew walk forward]
Hit it boys.[Music playing. The crew start singing and dancing while Captain Hook stands still.]
Crew: Are you a scary pirate?
Captain Hook: Yes!
Crew: With a tiny pink umbrella?
Captain Hook: Yes!
Crew: And when we do all the singing
Captain Hook: Yes!
Crew: While you’re just kind of talking.
Captain Hook: Yes![Cut to Talkerbell]
Talkerbell: Um, Captain Hook, even though you only got one hand, you should still be able to carry a tone. And you just got Talked![Cut to Captain Hook]
Captain Hook: Watch your tongue, Tongkerbell, or you’ll walk the plank with the children.[Cut to Talkerbell]
Talkerbell: [laughing] Okay, Hook, are you even hearing yourself now? Your life goal is to throw a bunch of toddlers into the ocean. You’re freaking. I like it.[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]
Peter Pan: And you know what I like? Being a boy! And staring at HBO’s girls.[music playing.] [singing] I’m not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean[Cut to Captain Hook]
Captain Hook: Enough singing! Peter Pan, I’ve come to fight you to the death.[Cut to Talkerbell]
Talkerbell: Okay, finally the main event. I better get my popcorn.[Talkerbell gets a popcorn. The popcorn is bigger than her.] [Cut to everybody. Peter Pan and Captain Hook are going to fight.]
Peter Pan: You’re a worthy foe, Captain Hook. Get ready for the fight of your life![They start sword-fighting. Peter Pan hits Captain Hook]
Captain Hook: Ah! Oh, I’m defeated.[Cut to Talkerbell]
Talkerbell: Okay, that was a fight scene? Oh! No, no, no, no! You wanna see a real fight, you bring me a humming bird and I will kill that dude.[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]
John: Talkabell, you’re weird.[Cut to Talkerbell]
Talkerbell: Okay, if I’m weird then why are all the boys after my ass? That’s right, I got a boyfriend, and yeah, he is the bat from that movie “Ferngully”. And yeah, he funny.[The bat walks in]
Bat: You ready to go, Talkie baby?
Talkerbell: Oh, you know it. Okay, kids, I do gotta run because it’s almost the night time and that is when he truly comes alive. He see stupid good into dork. He got that sonar, you know, like, beep, beep, bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee. And that’s what’s up. Peter Pan, live, y’all![The End]