Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim
Britney… Punkie Johnson
The Weeknd… Kenan Thompson
Dua Lipa… Melissa Villaseñor
Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: She’s the very best. Gets it all off her chest. She’s multi-platinum and knows what’s happening. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]
Dionne Warwick: Hello. [cheers and applause] Welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I ask celebrities whatever I want to know. Thanks as alway to my producer and my niece, Britney.
Britney: Ay, glad to be here, aunt Dionne.
Dionne Warwick: And now, for today’s top new stories.[music playing] [singing] I know I’ll never love this way again
Hold on, hold on
Yeah. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest, the Weeknd.[The Weeknd walks in]
Okay, what is your whole situation?
The Weeknd: Hi, I’m a performer. Maybe you saw me at the Super Bowl.
Dionne Warwick: Yes. You gave me vertigo. Now, Mr. Weeknd, you are addicted to plastic surgery, correct?
The Weeknd: Um, no.
Dionne Warwick: When you say, “I can’t feel my face”, is that coz it’s fake now?
The Weeknd: Oh, no. The plastic surgery wasn’t real.
Dionne Warwick: Okay now, here’s a question. Why are you from Canada?
The Weeknd: I don’t understand.
Dionne Warwick: Okay. Okay. Alright. Thank you for participating. Wonderful. Goodbye. Take care. Yeah. [The Weeknd walks away] Alright. Fantastic. Well, my next guest is the reason all my assistants got blow outs today. Please welcome Nick Jonas.[Nick Jonas walks in]
Nick Jonas: Thank you so much for having me.
Dionne Warwick: Yeah. Explain yourself.
Nick Jonas: I’m Nick Jonas. I’m a coach on Voice.
Dionne Warwick: Yeah. I have heard that you are the most boring coach even though one of the other coaches is John Legend. How is that possible?
Nick Jonas: I don’t know.
Dionne Warwick: Now, you have a song “What a man gotta do”. What’s that about? Going down town? He’s got to do it.
Nick Jonas: I can’t argue with you there.
Dionne Warwick: Now, what is ‘cake by the ocean’? Who the hell wants to eat a sandy cake?
Nick Jonas: Well, that’s my brother’s song. But some people say it’s euphemism for sex on the beach.
Dionne Warwick: Okay. Well, now I like your ass. Alright.
Nick Jonas: Again, not my bag.
Dionne Warwick: Alright, now, do you and your brothers ever fight?
Nick Jonas: Sometimes.
Dionne Warwick: Could you fight Windy Williams for me?
Nick Jonas: I don’t think so.
Dionne Warwick: Okay. Last question. [showing Priyanka Chopra’s photo] Your wife looks like this. Now, show us your penis.
Nick Jonas: I’m not gonna do that.
Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, thank you for being here. [Nick Jonas walks out] Now, Britney, I was nominated for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. And I need enough votes to get in. Am I beating the Goo Goos?
Britney: Oh, not yet, aunt Dionne.
Dionne Warwick: What about Foo Fighters?
Britney: Nope. No, aunt Dionne.
Dionne Warwick: What about Kate Buzz?
Britney: You kicking her butt, aunt Dionne.
Dionne Warwick: Okay, good. I don’t have to win but I cannot lost. Okay, now for our animal segment.[music playing] [Dionne Warwick walks towards Andrew. He is standing with a white parrot]
Andrew: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Today we’re going to–
Dionne Warwick: [singing and dancing] Keep smiling, keep shining
knowing you can always come for me
for sure, that’s what friends are for
Thank you.[Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat]
Yeah. Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Dua Lipa.[Dua Lipa walks in]
Dua Lipa, now, why would you make your name nasty? That Spanish for ‘two lips’. You are hussie in disguise.
Dua Lipa: That’s just my real name. Maybe you know me from my songs.[singing] I got no rules–
Dionne Warwick: Okay. So, here’s a question. Lil’ Yachty. A yacht is supposed to be big. If you’re a little yacht, you are simply a boat.
Dua Lipa: Don’t know the answer to that.
Dionne Warwick: Now, Windy Williams once called you Dula Pip. My last question is, should we egg her house?
Dua Lipa: Sure.
Dionne Warwick: Okay, then. We gonna take my car, baby. [passing the car keys to Dua Lipa] Alright. Thank you for coming. [Dua Lipa walks out] Alright. Our next guest, I talked to him back stage and I am okay with this.
Britney: But auntie, you weren’t good with it the last time.
Dionne Warwick: No. No, no, no. Now, I’m alright. I understand he is a very nice fan. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]
Machine Gun Kelly: Hey!
Dionne Warwick: Na-na-na. Get hm out of here. He is too scary.
Britney: You said you were okay with it this time.
Dionne Warwick: Baby, I change my mind. He has got to go.
Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Peace. Late. [walks out]
Dionne Warwick: Much better. Audience, okay. We’re at the best part of the show. Go ahead and look under your seats. Everybody gets a–[music playing] [singing] The moment I wake up [The audience look under their seats]
Audience: It’s ticket to the Dionne Warwick talk show.
Dionne Warwick: That’s right. See you tomorrow.