Tag: Dionne Warwick

Dionne Warwick Talk Show- Ed Sheeran, Dionne Warwick and More

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Brittany… Punkie Johnson

Miley Cyrus…. Chloe Fineman

Dr. Nathan… Andrew Dismukes

Jason Mraz… Kieran Culkin

Ed Sheeran

Post Malone… Pete Davidson

Dionne Warwick

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s an iconic singer and she’s always got a zinger. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Wow. Yes. Hello. Hello. And welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I host and other people come here. And then they leave and so do I. Thanks as always to my producer and my niece Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany.]

Brittany: Love you aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now, I’d like to start today’s show with a special announcement. I have some very personal news to share with all of you.

[music playing]

[singing] Raindrops Keep falling on my head.
But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Alright. Thank you. Thank you. Please welcome our first guest, Miley Cyrus.

[Miley Cyrus walks in]

Miley Cyrus: Hi, it’s awesome to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah, alright. Yeah. You recently post topless for a magazine cover. That’s why I’d like to give you this Hussey award I made. [gives her the award] You are Hussey of the month.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, number one, Hussey. Yo. Oh, man. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. You just did a duet with Elton John. So did Dua Lipa and a lot of other people. My question is, does he not have my number? Oh, mam. I’m not really sure mam, but I just want to say I’m such a huge fan of yours.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, thank you. So am I. So tell me, Miley, Dojacat. Is that a singer or a Pokemon?

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, she’s a singer.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, Cardi B. Why does she need the B? Was there another Cardi in the class?

Miley Cyrus: You know, these aren’t really about me.

Dionne Warwick: Sure. All right. Okay. I’ll try. Yeah, I understand that Hannah Montana is your nemesis. My Nemesis is Wendy Williams. Let’s make a pact to kick their asses.

Miley Cyrus: You know, Hannah Montana isn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, well, neither is Wendy Williams. Alright, Miley Circus. I’m done talking to you. Bye now. Yeah.

[Miley Cyrus walks out]
All right. Now, for our important public health segment. We have a doctor here to give me my coronavirus booster live on air. Please welcome Dr. Nathan Ola.

[Dionne Warwick walks to Dr. Nathan]

[music playing]

[singing] Keep smiling…

Dr. Nathan: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Which arm do you– Alright let’s get that sleeve up and we’ll– Just get that sleeve up and we’ll go.

Dionne Warwick: That’s what friends are for. [Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat without getting the shot] Alright. I didn’t feel a thing. Now, for our next guest. This man is not famous anymore. He does not have any songs out. Please welcome Jason Mraz.

[Jason Mraz walks in]

Jason Mraz: Kind of a rough intro but yeah, I’m psyched to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now Mr. Mraz, you are about to go back on tour. My question is Rihanna. When she gonna drop the album? She too busy making panties or something?

Jason Mraz: I’m not sure how to answer that.

Dionne Warwick: Well, Kanye change his name to Ye. Is that after the sound people make when he leaves the room?

Jason Mraz: I’m sorry, can you ask me questions about me?

Dionne Warwick: Fine. Okay, what’s with the hat? If I took it off when I see your brain?

Jason Mraz: Okay, I’m gonna go. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Ed Sheeran.

[Ed Sheeran walks in]

Ed Sheeran: Hi, Ms. Warwick. I’m really glad to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Of course, you are. Now you did a song called south of the border. My question is are you nasty?

Ed Sheeran: Yes. A little bit.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, good.  Cuz I think that’s healthy. Alright. You’re writing a song for the next season of Ted Lasso. So, what I’d like to know is what is Apple TV and how do you get it on a Dell computer?

Ed Sheeran: Is that the best question for me to answer?

Dionne Warwick: I don’t know. Shoot. All right. Did you know Ed Sheeran backwards is Dionne Warwick?

Ed Sheeran: I don’t think it is.

Dionne Warwick: I read that Elton John calls you every morning. Why would he talk to you and not me? Personally, I prefer to talk to me.

Ed Sheeran: Well, I mean, me and Elton are doing Christmas song together.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. All right. Well, apparently you and everyone else. Am I beefing with Elton John? Okay, you can go. Go on and go. Next up, I just want everybody to know I’ve learned my lesson that Machine Gun Kelly is too scary for me. So, I’ve invited a different man who I feel I’d be more comfortable with. Please welcome Post Malone.

[Post Malone walks in]

Post Malone: Hi, Ms. Warwick.

Dionne Warwick: No! No! No! Oh my god, it is worse. Get him out. You go. You gotta go.

[Post Malone leaves]

Oh my god. Much better. Much better. Brittany put that man in a cab back to Spooky Town, USA.

Brittany: I’m on it.

Dionne Warwick: I’m tired of interviewing people who are not icons. Please welcome me.

[The real Dionne Warwick walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, well. Hello.

Real Dionne Warwick: Hi, darling. I’m so excited for you that I’m here.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Alright. Well, let me ask you something. Why are you perfect?

Real Dionne Warwick:  Darling, I’m not perfect. I’m just very, very good.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Okay. Today I heard a song by an artist called Young Boy Never Broke Again. Why aren’t people just caught Burt Bacharach anymore?

Real Dionne Warwick: You know, that is an excellent question and I don’t know the answer, but I will keep tweeting until I find out.

Dionne Warwick: You know, why does it say you were booked to headline Doge Palooza, a Dogecoin Music Festival. My question is what is that? How does it work? Why would you do it? And can I come?

Real Dionne Warwick: Well to answer your questions, I don’t know. I don’t know. Because they paid me. And yes.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, Dionne. Would you like to sing a song for the people?

Real Dionne Warwick: Do they deserve it?

Dionne Warwick: They o. Why don’t you go ahead and grab your mic? Right? I think we should go ahead and do it.

[music playing]

Dionne Warwick and Real Dionne Warwick: [singing] What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love
What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love

Dionne Warwick Talk Show Nick Jonas Dua Lipa

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

The Weeknd… Kenan Thompson

Nick Jonas

Andrew Dismukes

Dua Lipa… Melissa Villaseñor

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s the very best. Gets it all off her chest. She’s multi-platinum and knows what’s happening. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. [cheers and applause] Welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I ask celebrities whatever I want to know. Thanks as alway to my producer and my niece, Britney.

Britney: Ay, glad to be here, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: And now, for today’s top new stories.

[music playing]

[singing] I know I’ll never love this way again
Hold on, hold on

Yeah. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest, the Weeknd.

[The Weeknd walks in]

Okay, what is your whole situation?

The Weeknd: Hi, I’m a performer. Maybe you saw me at the Super Bowl.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. You gave me vertigo. Now, Mr. Weeknd, you are addicted to plastic surgery, correct?

The Weeknd: Um, no.

Dionne Warwick: When you say, “I can’t feel my face”, is that coz it’s fake now?

The Weeknd: Oh, no. The plastic surgery wasn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Okay now, here’s a question. Why are you from Canada?

The Weeknd: I don’t understand.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Okay. Alright. Thank you for participating. Wonderful. Goodbye. Take care. Yeah. [The Weeknd walks away] Alright. Fantastic. Well, my next guest is the reason all my assistants got blow outs today. Please welcome Nick Jonas.

[Nick Jonas walks in]

Nick Jonas: Thank you so much for having me.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. Explain yourself.

Nick Jonas: I’m Nick Jonas. I’m a coach on Voice.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. I have heard that you are the most boring coach even though one of the other coaches is John Legend. How is that possible?

Nick Jonas: I don’t know.

Dionne Warwick: Now, you have a song “What a man gotta do”. What’s that about? Going down town? He’s got to do it.

Nick Jonas: I can’t argue with you there.

Dionne Warwick: Now, what is ‘cake by the ocean’? Who the hell wants to eat a sandy cake?

Nick Jonas: Well, that’s my brother’s song. But some people say it’s euphemism for sex on the beach.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Well, now I like your ass. Alright.

Nick Jonas: Again, not my bag.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, now, do you and your brothers ever fight?

Nick Jonas: Sometimes.

Dionne Warwick: Could you fight Windy Williams for me?

Nick Jonas: I don’t think so.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Last question. [showing Priyanka Chopra’s photo] Your wife looks like this. Now, show us your penis.

Nick Jonas: I’m not gonna do that.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, thank you for being here. [Nick Jonas walks out] Now, Britney, I was nominated for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. And I need enough votes to get in. Am I beating the Goo Goos?

Britney: Oh, not yet, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Foo Fighters?

Britney: Nope. No, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Kate Buzz?

Britney: You kicking her butt, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, good. I don’t have to win but I cannot lost. Okay, now for our animal segment.

[music playing]

[Dionne Warwick walks towards Andrew. He is standing with a white parrot]

Andrew: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Today we’re going to–

Dionne Warwick: [singing and dancing] Keep smiling, keep shining
knowing you can always come for me
for sure, that’s what friends are for

Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat]

Yeah. Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Dua Lipa.

[Dua Lipa walks in]

Dua Lipa, now, why would you make your name nasty? That Spanish for ‘two lips’. You are hussie in disguise.

Dua Lipa: That’s just my real name. Maybe you know me from my songs.

[singing] I got no rules–

Dionne Warwick: Okay. So, here’s a question. Lil’ Yachty. A yacht is supposed to be big. If you’re a little yacht, you are simply a boat.

Dua Lipa: Don’t know the answer to that.

Dionne Warwick: Now, Windy Williams once called you Dula Pip. My last question is, should we egg her house?

Dua Lipa: Sure.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, then. We gonna take my car, baby. [passing the car keys to Dua Lipa] Alright. Thank you for coming. [Dua Lipa walks out] Alright. Our next guest, I talked to him back stage and I am okay with this.

Britney: But auntie, you weren’t good with it the last time.

Dionne Warwick: No. No, no, no. Now, I’m alright. I understand he is a very nice fan. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey!

Dionne Warwick: Na-na-na. Get hm out of here. He is too scary.

Britney: You said you were okay with it this time.

Dionne Warwick: Baby, I change my mind. He has got to go.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Peace. Late. [walks out]

Dionne Warwick: Much better. Audience, okay. We’re at the best part of the show. Go ahead and look under your seats. Everybody gets a–

[music playing]

[singing] The moment I wake up

[The audience look under their seats]

Audience: It’s ticket to the Dionne Warwick talk show.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. See you tomorrow.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

Harry Styles… Timothée Chalamet

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Billie Eilish… Melissa Villaseñor

Timothée Chalamet… Chloe Fineman

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: She’s one of a kind. She speaks her mind. A Grammy winner and the queen of Twitter, it’s the Dionne Warwick Talk Show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. Thank you. Welcome to the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Maybe you know me from my music or maybe you have heard that I just discovered Twitter and these are actual tweets I tweeted out. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “Hi, @chancetherapper, if you are very obviously a rapper, why did you put it in your stage name? I cannot stop thinking bout this.” Or this. [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “How do send a tweet to @SnoopDogg? Did I do this correctly?” Thank you as always to my producer, my publicist and my niece, Britney.

[Cut to Britney]

Britney: Oh, hi. Happy to be here, Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Did Snoop Dogg reply?

Britney: Not yet.

Dionne Warwick: Dang. Alright. Okay. Now, for my standup monologue. [Dionne Warwick stands. There’s music playing.]

[singing] What do you get when you fall in love?
a guy with a pin that burst your bubble

Thank you. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest. Harry Styles.

[Harry Styles walks in]

Harry Styles: Ms. Warwick. You’re a legend. I can’t believe it. I’m such a massive fan.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. And who are you?

Harry Styles: I’m Harry Styles. I’m a singer. Sort of essential fashion man and you could say I do it for everyone. [winks at the camera]

Dionne Warwick: No, no. But where do I know you from?

Harry Styles: Maybe you know my song, “Watermelon Sugar.”

Dionne Warwick: What is watermelon sugar?

Harry Styles: Well, I think it’s just about summer but some people think it’s about oral sex.

Dionne Warwick: That’s nasty.

Harry Styles: But, on a woman.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, now I like your ass. I like you a lot. Alright. One last question, Harry Styles. Why is Windy Williams being a bitch to me? She started beefing and now she acting like she can’t finish.

Harry Styles: Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t know who Wendy Williams is.

Dionne Warwick: Oh. I knew I liked your ass. Okay. Alright. Thank you for joining us. That’s enough. Go away. Go away. [Harry Styles leaves] Alright. Go on. Britney, baby, it is exciting to be on TV.

Britney: Oh, yes. Just like when you were on Celebrity Apprentice.

Dionne Warwick: No, I wasn’t. I briefly worked for Donald Trump.

Britney: That was the show, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: I don’t remember it that way. Okay. Now for our cooking segment. [Dionne Warwick stands and walks to the kitchen side. There’s a chef there.]

[singing] Keep smiling, [Chef: Hi, Ms. Walwick] keep shining

[Chef: Today were–]
you know you can always count on me
for sure

[Dionne Warwick picks up a dish and eats it.]

hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm

Oh, pretty good. Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her couch. The Chef is ignored.]

Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest. Ms. William Eyelash.

[Billie Eilish walks in]

Billie Eilish: Hi. Yeah, my name is actually Billie Eilish. I’m a singer.

[singing] I’m a bad type, making mama mad type
I’m a bad guy.

Dionne Warwick: Mm, that’s wonderful. So, Kesha–

Billie Eilish: No. I’m Billie Eilish.

Dionne Warwick: No, I know. So, why does Kesha have a dollar sign? And also Sia with the wig, she got a nose job or something.

Billie Eilish: Are you just going to keep asking me about other people?

Dionne Warwick: Yes. Now, Billie Eilish, you’re spooky. Can you put a hex on Windy Williams for me?

Billie Eilish: I could try.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Thanks for coming.

[Billie Eilish leaves]

Okay. Our next guest has been making all my assistants blush. Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in]

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, man. This is crazy. This is so cool.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. You seem young.

Timothée Chalamet: [laughing] Na. Na. Na. Na. [laughing] I guess.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, young man. That’s enough now. Help me with my phone. It is locked and I’m trying to send a clap back at Windy Williams. I just want to clap back.

Timothée Chalamet: Yes, yes.

[Timothée Chalamet takes the phone from Dionne Warwick and gives her his fist for a fist bump.]

Dionne Warwick: No, I don’t want to fist bump. Okay. You can take that back stage buddy. Alright, now.

[Timothée Chalamet walks out.]

Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Alright, next guest. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Ae-yo. Wad up?

Dionne Warwick: No. That man is here to kill us.

Britney: No. It’s just his name, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: No. I don’t want to chance it, baby. Get him out of here.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Whatever. Peace.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks out.]

Dionne Warwick: Phew! Much better. Alright. Okay, audience. We have come to the best part of the show. Everyone look under your chairs. Everyone gets a– [music starts]

[singing] Do you know the way to San Jose?

[The audience are looking under their chairs.]

Audience: There is nothing there.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. I don’t owe you anything. Thank you for watching the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Snoop, call me, baby!