Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Plan B One-Step’ in vending machine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The University of California Devis has installed a new vending machine that sells ‘Plan B’ emergency contraception. While at Florida state, they just shoot it out of T-shirt cannons at half time.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a woman wearing a colorful dress at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An artist recently completed a dress made out of 10,000 Starburst wrappers. Nice try, said a stiff breeze. [Picture changes to stiff breeze wrappers] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of men wearing rompers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A kick starter project has been launched to create a line of rompers for men called Rompim. As a victim of the beating was wearing a Rompim.

[Picture changes to a prison cell]

A new gym has opened in New York called Con Body which looks like a prison and features workouts developed by former inmates. So, you might want to shower at home.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of China map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in a small town in China have given into animal rights activists and made it illegal to sell dog meat. So, good news animals. Free dog meat!

[Picture changes to Dwayne Johnson]

A new poll shows that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson would beat Donald Trump in hypothetical race for president. That’s true. [cheers and applause] The Rock would also beat his long time rival, Dwayne ‘The Scissors’ Johnson.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of map of Maine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A seafood whole-seller in Maine has acquired a rare four-clawed lobster. And in other news, a woman’s dog has been missing since Halloween. [Picture changes to a dog wearing a lobster costume.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peyton Manning at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peyton Manning announced his retirement from football this week. Explained Manning, “I’d rather not get brain damage.”

[Picture changes to MTA bus]

New York’s MTA has unveiled new high-tech city buses that feature USB ports.  As in, “Hey, on the bus today I saw a guy put his penis in the USB port.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dos Equis beer logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The makers of the beer Dos Equis announced that they are retiring their famous most interesting man in the world ad campaign. He will now go back to his original name, “Greg the lying alcoholic”.

[Picture changes to a calendar marking March 2016]

March is women’s history month. So ladies, that cake is not gonna bake itself. Before you ladies get angry and send a bunch of messages about how sexist that joke is, let me just remind you… to finish baking that cake. Colin!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: What? Don’t throw it to me. Happy birthday to Mitt Romney who today turned 69. Which for Mormons is a sin.

[Picture changes to $ sign]

A new study suggest that heavier women get paid less than thinner women. That is unless Che is at the strip club.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brazilian flag and a penguin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And they say black guys don’t tip. A man in Brazil says that a penguin he rescued five years ago swims more than 5000 miles every year just to visit him. That’s how good the sex is.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Barbara Walters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: ABC is denying that Barbara Walters wants to replace Rosie O’Donnell with Monica Lewinsky on ‘The View’. Said an ABC spokesman, “We have not had contractual relations with that woman. Maybe an old remit, but that doesn’t count.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a shape-shifting metal at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers in China have developed shape-shifting liquid metal machines, while researchers here in the US have developed a breakfast sandwich with [Picture changes to a Taco Bell Hash Brow] the hash browns on the inside. So, good luck with your real life version of a dude from the Terminator, China! We’ll be here in America eating Tacos for breakfast.

[Picture changes to candies, flowers and a calendar marked on April-5]

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. So, to all you Christians out there, happy Easter. And to the Jews, nice try!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a kid smoking cigarette and Indonesian flag on right top corner.]

Michael Che: You just started a holy war. The parents of a 6 year old Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking say that he is cut down to 5 cigarettes a day. That’s very impressive considering how stressed he has been at the sneaker factory.

[Picture changes to a brothel house]

Nevada’s  fame Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel is searching for a quality control tester who will be paid to have sex with prostitutes and rate their performance. The prostitutes will be graded from a scale from “F” to “Don’t F”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a pregnant woman and Uber logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Brooklyn gave birth in the back of an Uber car on the way to the hospital. This according to a zero-star review from the next passenger.