Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 25th, 1989

Glenn Close

Gipsy Kings

None

William Hurt
Bookstore Under SiegeTranscript

Montage

Glenn Close’s MonologueSummary: Glenn Close asks friend William Hurt to tell the audience more about her.

Bio: Glenn Close (1947-). Film and stage actress; 1984 Tony Award winner for “The Real Thing”; films include: “The Big Chill” (1983), “Fatal Attraction” (1987), “Dangerous Liaisons” (1988).

Also Hosted: 92i.

Bio: William Hurt (1950-). Actor; Academy Award winning Best Actor for “Kiss of the Spider Woman” (1985); other films include: “Body Heat” (1981), “The Big Chill” (1983), “Broadcast News” (1987).

Transcript

Big RedNote: Repeat from: 88g.

Alex’s Support GroupSummary: Support group members find discomfort in Alex’s (Glenn Close) romantic stalking quest.

Recurring Characters: Brad.

Transcript

Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) play a clip from their fantasy dinner date video.

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz, Helmut.

Gipsy Kings perform “Bamboleo”Bio: French Rumba Catalana band; members: Nicolas Reyes, Paul Reyes, Canut Reyes, Patchai Reyes, Andre Reyes, Diego Baliardo, Paco Baliardo, Tonino Baliardo.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: George Michael.

Transcript

49th Annual Westminster Mad Dog Show

Circle Mad Dog FoodRecurring Characters: Wilford Brimley.

Master ThespianRecurring Characters: Master Thespian.

Nine Different LevelsTranscript

Gipsy Kings perform “Djobi Djoba”

Jealous of Janelle

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Beev…..Phil Hartman
Nancy…..Jan Hooks
Caller…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Cable 10 page ]

Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

[ dissolve to the “Wayne’s World” temporary studio in Garth Algar’s living room, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]

Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”

Garth: Okay, like, welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Alright, here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, man, it’s time to party! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Now, let’s bring out our first guest! His name is Beev, and he owns Wishing Well convenience store! So, here’s Beev! [ jams ] “Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Wayne’s World! Party Time!”

[ Beev walks downstairs slowly, then sits between Wayne and Garth ]

Hi, Beev! how are you, man?

Beev: I’m alright, Wayne, how are you?

Wayne: Excellent!

Beev: How are you, Garth?

Garth: Excellent, Dad!

Garth: Bonus! So, Beev, what gives? How come you moved the pop cooler from the back of the store all the way to the front of the store, huh?

Beev: Well, Wayne, as you know, Wishing Well convenience store has experienced a rash of.. shoplifting lately. Especially of the.. soft drinks! So I thought I’d move the cooler to the front of the store, where I can keep an eye on it.

Wayne: Alright, that’s a great idea, good work, Beev. But, Garth, I’ve got a question for you. Your dad is Beev, right?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: At home, is he a goof, or what? I mean, does he tell you not to do stuff, like read the magazines, and stuff?

Garth: Sometimes, you know, he’s just a normal dad, you know, but I wish he’d get his teeth fixed, so people wouldn’t keep calling him the “Beev”, it’s really bogus.

Wayne: [ laughs ] Okay, now it’s time for Wayne’s Top Ten! [ jams ] “Wayne’s Top Ten! Top Ten! Party Time! Top Ten!” Alright, tonight’s Top Ten topic is the Top Ten Things That Beev Says.

Alright, number ten: “Hey, you kids, buy something or leave.”

Number nine: “Are you gonna buy that magazine? This isn’t a library.”

Number eight: “Either you empty out your pockets or you are banned from the store.”

Number seven: “Should’nt you kids be in class?”

Number six: “Eat your junk food outside the store.”

Number five: “Are you gonna buy that magazine? This isn’t a library.”

Number four: “Wayne’s the coolest guy in the world.”

Number three: “All the chicks dig Wayne big time.”

Number two: “I wish I could be as cool as Wayne.”

And number one: “Hi, my name is Beev.. I’m a big fag.”

Beev: [ angry, stands ] You little punk! You’re banned from the store, you long-haired freak!

Garth: [ aghast ] Hey, Wayne.. that’s, like, my dad, dude!

Wayne: Alright, take a pill, alright, I’m joking, okay! Don’t go mental!

Beev: I’ll see you at home, Garth! [ exits upstairs ]

Garth: Later, Dad.. Wayne, you goof! I can’t believe it!

Wayne: Garth, chill, okay? Alright, Beev can’t stay, he has other commitments. So let’s bring out our next guest. Her name is Nancy, she’s an excellent babe, please welcome Nancy! [ jams ] “Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Wayne’s World! Party Time!” [ Nancy jumps on the couch ] Hi, Nancy, how are you, babe?

Nancy: Hi, I’m okay, Wayne, you?

Wayne: Good, good.. Okay, let’s get to the point – do you stuff?

Nancy: No. But I know who does.

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: Who?

Nancy: Sally.. Susan..

Garth: Susan?! What a gypola, man!

Nancy: Yeah.

Wayne: Okay, the next question is – do you like Garth?

Garth: Aw, shut up, you gimp!

Nancy: [ laughs hysterically ] No-o! I have a boyfriend!

Wayne: What do chicks think about us?

Nancy: Well.. a lot of girls like Garth, because he’s real quiet. But most girls think you’re conceited, Wayne.

Wayne: No way!

Nancy: Uh-huh. Way.

Wayne: No way!

Nancy: Way! Sorry! You think you’re so cool, just because yu’ve got a show.

Wayne: Man, that is so bogus!

Nancy: It’s true.

Wayne: Well, if you think I’m conceited, you’re wrong, alright?

Nancy: Uh-uh.

Wayne: Because I’m just trying to impress you, because I.. really like you, you know? I think you’re an excellent person, I think you’re great. I love you in every way. [ sings “Dream Weaver” ]

Nancy: [ touched ] Really?

Wayne: Fished in!

Garth: Alright!

Wayne: [ mimes reeling in a two-punder ]

Garth: We caught us a 100-pound chick, dude! Get the net, man!

Nancy: Shut up! you guys are gross! All the girls think you’ve got the mugs, anyway.

Wayne: Shyea, right!

Nancy: It’s true.

Wayne: Hey, Nancy..!

Nancy: What?

Wayne: ..sucks!

Nancy: I’m going away, you guys are goofs, I’m getting out of here. [ exits upstairs ]

Wayne: Alright, later, Nance. Alright, let’s go to the phone, okay? Hello, you’re on the air, welcome to “Wayne’s World”.

Caller: Hey, Wayne, man, I am grossed out!

Wayne: Grossed out? Why, what happened?

Caller: I was neking with my girlfriend, and she blew chunks on me!

Wayne & Garth: Oh, man, that’s gross, dude!

Caller: Tell me about it! These big, gnarly chunks!

Wayne: Alright, stay calm, man, stay calm.. I have a question.

Caller: Okay, what?

Wayne: Alreight, do you still have puke on your face?

Caller: No, I washed it off!

Garth: Did you change your shirt, dude?

Caller: Yeah!

Wayne: Okay, where’s your girlfriend now? Are you in danger of being puked on again?

Caller: No, no, man, she passed out.

Wayne: [ excited ] Ex-cell-ent!

Garth: You’re golden, dude!

Caller: What do you.. ohhhhh.. now I see what you guys are getting at! Alright, see you later! [ chanting ] Wayne’s Word! Wayne’s World!

Wayne: Alright, see you later! Alright, that’s all the time we have for this week. Until then, good night, party onnnn!!

Together: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Mr. Subliminal’s Apprentice

Mr. Subliminal…..Kevin Nealon
Ted…..Leslie Nielsen
Bartender…..Jon Lovitz
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Policeman…..Phil Hartman

[ Ted walks into a bar with Mr. Subliminal ]

Mr. Subliminal: Two beers, please.

Ted: I just can’t get the hang of it..

Mr. Subliminal: That’s because it’s new to you. Believe me, Ted, subliminal advertising can be very, very effective.

Bartender: Alright, gentlemen, here’s your beers.

Mr. Subliminal: Thanks, partner – on the house – that was quick – on the house – what do we owe you?

Bartender: Uh.. forget about it – on the house!

Mr. Subliminal: Oh? Thank you very much! Hey.. you know something – free cash – this is a real classy place – free cash – first time we’ve been here.

Bartender: Oh, I’m glad you like it. I’ve been working here for years.

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, no kidding- free cash – that’s great!

Bartender: [ opens cash register and drops cash on the counter ] Here ya go.

Mr. Subliminal: What’s this for?

Bartender: It’s free cash, take it.

Ted: [ chuckles ] This is a real nice place!

Mr. Subliminal: No, really – free cash – we can’t take this – your wallet – I mean, what would we do with it?

Bartender: Well, don’t be ridiculous! [ drops his wallet on the counter ] Here, you take my wallet, you can put it in there!

Mr. Subliminal: Well, okay, if you insist! [ takes wallet, turns to Ted ] You see?

Ted: See what?

Mr. Subliminal: [ spots an attractive Woman on the next barstool ] Hi! Come here often?

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, come on. That’s the oldest line in the book.

Mr. Subliminal: Hey, sorry if I was out of line – lonely – I just thought that you might – lonely – you know, like to talk.

Woman: Well.. I am feeling a little.. lonely. It’s just that I’m so sick and tired of guys hitting on me all the time, you know?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, believe me – hot sex – I’m not hitting on you – hot sex – I just can, you know, understand that lonely feeling!

Woman: [ nods ] You do, don’t you?

Mr. Subliminal: Sure do.

Woman: You seem like a very sensitive man.

Mr. Subliminal: Well..

Woman: And.. sexy, too! [ giggles ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ turns and whispers to Ted ] You gonna get the hang of it?

Ted: Uh.. yeah..

Mr. Subliminal: [ to Woman ] The name’s Phil, Phil Maloney – kiss me – and it’s a real plasure meeting you – kiss me – a real pleasure!

Woman: [ quickly jumps in and kisses him ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ catches his breath ] What was that for – your place – I mean, that was nice – your place – I mean, and you are..?

Woman: I’m Wanda! What do you say we go to my place?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, great!

Woman: It’s a five-story walk-up, I hope you don’t mind..

Mr. Subliminal: Mind? – hotel – No, I don’t mind – luxury hotel – maybe I’ll lose some weight – your treat – [ laughs ].

Woman: Better yet – how about we go away to a luxury hotel – I’ll pay! How about that?

Mr. Subliminal: Great idea – horny – there’s one right around the corner – handcuffs – let’s go!

Woman: Okay, let’s go!

Mr. Subliminal: Okay, then – spank me – let’s go1

[ they rush out of the bar ]

[ a beautiful woman sits next to Ted ]

Ted: Ahhhhh, yeah, I think I’m beginning to see.. [ notices the woman next to him ] Yeah..

Policeman: [ enters bar ] Alright! Who owns the white volvo out front?

Ted: Uh.. that’s mine, Officer. Is there a problem?

Policeman: Yeah, it’s a $50 problem. You parked in front of a fire hydrant. Let me see your license.

Ted: Uh.. oh, yeah, sure, Officer.. Uh.. to be honest, Officer – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – TIE ME UP! – it was dark.

Policeman: What did you say?

Ted: I said – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – SPANK ME! – it was dark.

Policeman: Hot sex? Spank me? Alright, pervert, come on, you’re going downtown! [ drags Ted away ]

Ted: Uh, no, Officer, please – KISS ME! Officer, no – KISS ME! Officer, no – HORNY! Please – YOUR PLACE! Officer..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Geritech

Stagehand…..Bob Van Ry
…..Leslie Nielsen

Stangehand: Here are the script changes, Mr. Neilsen.

Leslie Neilsen: Thank you, Bobby. [ puts script down, looks at camera ] Hello. I’m Leslie Neilsen, liver spot sufferer. You know, people ask me, “Leslie, after so many years in television and movies, are you at all embarrassed about appearing in ads for Blotch-Off?” [ holds up product ] A livder spot remover from Geritech that works while you sleep. The answer is no, becuse Blotch-Off really works. You see, I used to covered with ugly, embarrassing old-age spots. you see, that could be a real problem in my profession.

[ walks over to second product ]

Not as big a problem, however, as a loss of bladder control. Now, imagine doing a scene with some lovely young actress, and soiling both your costume and hers. Now, that can be embarrassing. That’s why I wear Dripmaster.. [ holds product ] ..the undergarment from Geritech that takes the worry out of walking around. In fact, I’m relieving myself right now!

[ steps aside to next product ]

I’m just stepping over here now, because I’d like to tell you about something that I’m really proud of. Bung-King Hemmorhoidal Cream. You may think your hemmorhoidal preapration is top-notch, but Bung-King from Geritech is the only hemmorhoidal cream with that.. [ bell rings ] ..patch of lanolin. So, the next time you feel that burning, painful itch, reach for Bung-King, the only hemmorhoidal cream and suppository with my face on it.

[ walks to the side again ]

Now I know you’re thinking about.. [ echo ] ..diarrhea! Well, I’m just an actor, but I get diarrhea all the time. That’s why.. [ holds up product ] ..Solidex is always in my medicine cabient, and in my make-up kit.

Stangehand: Ready for another take, Mr. Neilsen.

Leslie Neilsen: Well, gotta go! [ smiles ] And I’m ready, thanks to Blotch-Off, Dripmaster, Bung-King and Solidex. Now, I can concrentrate on my craft.

Announcer: Ask for the Geritech line of personal products when you have a problem that’s embarrassing.

Leslie Neilsen: Tell them.. Leslie sent you!

Announcer: Meet Leslie Nielsen at a Wal-Mart near you, and ask Leslie to sign your Dripmaster carton!

Leslie Neilsen: If you think I’m embarrassed endorsing the Geritech line of products, you just don’t know me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


February 18th, 1989

Leslie Nielsen

Cowboy Junkies

None

Kim Alexis

Beverly Johnson

Cheryl Tiegs

Bob Van Ry

Andy Murphy
Iran’s Most WantedRecurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

Montage

Leslie Nielsen’s MonologueBio: Leslie Nielsen (1926-). Actor; his older, more serious, films include: “Forbidden Planet” (1956), “The Poseidon Adventure” (1972); became synonymous with film comedies after being cast by David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and Jerry Zucker to play a comic role straight in “Airplane!” (1980); collaborated with the same group to star in short-lived TV series “Police Squad” (1982), which begat the “The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!” (1988) film trilogy; later comic roles include President Harris in some of the “Scary Movie” films; also serves as president of the International Better Hearing Institute.

Neuburg’s Bleu Cheese CoolerNote: Repeat from: 88e.

Mr. Subliminal’s ApprenticeRecurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal.

Transcript

Snap Decision

The Pat Stevens ShowRecurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Bio: Kim Alexis (1960-). Model/actress; 1984 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model.

Bio: Beverly Johnson (1952-). Model; one of the first black models, and the first to appear on the cover of Vogue magazine in 1974.

Bio: Cheryl Tiegs (1947-). Model; considered one of the first supermodels; featured on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue in 1970, 1975, 1983.

Cowboy Junkies perform “Sweet Jane”Bio: Country/alternative rock band; members: Michael Timmins, Alan Anton, Peter Timmins, Margo Timmins.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The 1960’s Movie

GeritechTranscript

Cowboy Junkies perform “Misguided Angel”

Saying The Wrong Things

Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Nancy Simmons, Beev Algar.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 11

88l: Ted Danson / Luther Vandross

Living With Hogs

Husband…..Ted Danson
Wife…..Nora Dunn
Neighbor…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior, close-up of Husband and Wife sitting on couch reading the newspaper ]

Husband: Boy, oh boy, oh boy.. murder and war, corruption.. crazy world out there.

Wife: I know, I get depressed just thinking about it.

Husband: You know, I think I’d go nuts myself, if it weren’t for the hogs.

[ cut to wide shot, numerous hogs pacing around the living room, often bumping into one another with comedic results ]

Wife: I know what you mean.

Husband: Oh, I wonder what’s on the tube. You seen the TV Guide?

Wife: I think the hogs have it.

Husband: [ rummages amongst the hogs, finds the remote ] Hey, look – pearls! [ laughs ] Just kidding!

Wife: You got it?

Husband: Yeah.

Wife: Hey, as long as you’re up, can you move that hog over there? [ points ]

Husband: Yeah.

Wife: Just to the right. [ Husband moves the hog over an inch ] Great!

Husband: Not bad, huh? [ sits back on couch ]

[ phone rings ]

Wife: [ gets up to answer phone, excusing herself to hog in the way ] Hello.. Why, I’m sorry you feel that way.. Are you sure..? Okay. [ hangs up phone ]

Husband: Who’s that?

Wife: Ohh, the new cleaning lady quit.

Husband: Again? Well, did she say why?

Wife: She didn’t say. She just quit!

Husband: Well, that doesn’t make any sense. [ thinking ] Unless, maybe.. it’s the hogs.

Wife: No, no.. I think she was just unhappy.

Husband: Boy, you know, sweetheart, I’ve been thinknig about the hogs..

Wife: What about the hogs?

Husband: Well, you know, it’s just that, sometimes, I look at this apartment, and I look at our lives, and I look at the hogs..

Wife: Yeah, the hogs?

Husband: I don’t know, sometimes I think we just, you know, should start over.. just go somewhere with nothing!

Wife: What do you mean, without the hogs?

Husband: No, no.. I mean, with just the hogs. You know, quit the firm, move out into the country.. or maybe even just a new apartment.

Wife: I know, you always think that way when the new cleaning lady quits.

Husband: Yeah, you’re right.. [ doorbell rings ] I’ll get it.

Wife: Watch out for the hogs, please.

Husband: It’s alright. [ answers door ] Yeah?

Neighbor: I’m your downstairs neighbor. I’m here to complain about.. the hogs.

Husband: Well, why? Did they do something wrong?

Neighbor: Yes! They exist!

Wife: Well, what is it, what’s the matter?

Husband: Well, I think something wrong with the hogs here, I think.

Wife: No! no, the hogs are fine!

Neighbor: No, they are not fine! They root around on my ceiling day and night! They are ruining my life!

Husband: You know, it’s awfully easy to blame all the problems of the world on hogs.

Wife: Yeah, blame it on the hogs.. blame it on the hogs.. everybody else does.

Neighbor: What about the stuff dripping down into my living room? What about the smell? What about the squealing?!

Wife: Now, wait a minute here! Our hogs do not squeal!

Neighbor: Oh?! Well, maybe it was the hogs next door! Or perhaps the ones across the hall! Or maybe some wild hogs slipped in past the doormen! Or maybe, just maybe, the bacon in my refrigerator wasn’t quite DEAD yet!!

Husband: Hey, fella, that’s enough! I think you’d better leave!

Wife: Yes, I do.

Neighbor: Excuse me.. [ stumbles toward the door ]

Husband: You just make your way out of here right now!

Wife: Watch out for the hogs!

Neighbor: Well, you can believe I’m gonna be bringing this up at the next Tenant’s Meeting! [ exits ]

Husband: You know, if he wants to play that way – fine! I’ll tell you, there’s some complaints I’ll bring up about his cat!

Wife: Oh, just ignore him, he’s not worth it. Let’s just sit down and relax!

Husband: [ calming down ] You’re right.. you’re right.. I’m sorry. [ sits ] Oh, you know, this is the life! You know, you can really be yourself in a room full of hogs.

Wife: Yeah, they don’t go around judging you, that’s one thing you can say about them.

Husband: Right. And they accept you the way you are. And I’m not saying they’re easily impressed. You know, you still have to earn their respect!

Wife: Yeah, but it’s not that hard.

Husband: Exactly.

Wife: [ thinking ] Hey, let’s go out in the kitchen and just fix up a big bucket of slop, so we can sit here and watch them feed, huh?

Husband: Honey.. I love you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 11

88l: Ted Danson / Luther Vandross

Cheers

Woody…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Callahan…..Kevin Nealon
Sen. John Tower…..Phil Hartman
Sam…..Ted Danson
Gov. Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz
Kitty Dukakis…..Jan Hooks

Voiceover: “Cheers” is taped before a live audience.

[ open on the Cheers bar, with Woody behind the counter ]

Mr. Callahan: [ puts a tip on the counter and gets up to leave ] Thanks, Woody.

Woody: [ approaches the counter ] Oh, yeah, thanks Mr. Callahan.

John Tower: Woody.. [ points to his glass ] ..fill ‘er up.

Woody: Oh, Senator Tower, it’s closing time.

John Tower: Then give me the bottle!

Woody: Geez, well, don’t you think you’ve had a little too much?

John Tower: Let me tell you something. You want to know something? The only drinking problem I have is drinking too much. But it doesn’t matter because I’m going to be confirmed.

Woody: Oh really? Geez, I was confirmed, when I was 13. You know what my confirmation name was? Paul. They picked it because he was my favorite Beatle!

John Tower: [ peeved ] Woody, I could have you killed. Bring me the bottle.

Woody: [ calling ] Sam!

[ Sam Malone enters from the back room and approaches Woody and Senator Tower ]

Sam Malone: [ in disbelief ] Oh, Senator Tower!

John Tower: [ innocently ] Come on, Sam, all I want is another drink.

Sam Malone: Now, Senator Tower, you know I can’t serve anybody after two, especially alcoholics.

John Tower: Look, tell ya what, let’s make a deal. You give me another drink, and I’ll give you John Tower’s tips for picking up women.

Sam Malone: Woody, give me the bottle. All right, but just one drink here, Senator. [ he takes a bottle and pours it into Tower’s glass ]

John Tower: You’re not gonna regret this. Okay. [ Sam withdraws the bottle after filling it halfway ] Keep it coming! Level it off, come on, don’t be stingy. [ Sam keeps filling the glass to the top. Tower sips from it as it overflows. ] That’s it, keep it comin’!

Sam Malone: No, Senator, that’s it. That’s enough. That’s it.

John Tower: Okay, okay. The secret to picking up women: tell them Defense secrets. [ he takes a drink as Sam looks away disappointingly ]

Woody: Well, what if you don’t know any?

John Tower: Okay, here’s one to get you started. Our Trident submarines? They can be tracked with a simple ham radio. Ha! [ he takes another drink ]

Sam Malone: Oh, Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be telling us stuff like that. Now it’s closing time and I’m gonna have to ask you to go. I want everybody to go now.

John Tower: Well, what about him? [ points to a figure slouched over the counter at the other end of the bar. Sam approaches the figure ]

Sam Malone: Governor Dukakis, do you need a ride home? [ Dukakis rises, with a dazed look ]

Michael Dukakis: Sam, did I tell you that I came in second forPresident of the United States?

Sam Malone: Yes, Governor, you did.

Michael Dukakis: Did I tell you that my parents were immigrants? Greek immigrants! [ he takes a drink ]

Sam Malone: Yes, Governor, you did. Governor, it’s closing time.

[ Kitty Dukakis enters the bar through the main entrance ]

Kitty Dukakis: Michael? [ sees him at the bar and smiles ] I have been looking all over for you.

Michael Dukakis: Kitty, you’re out.

Kitty Dukakis: And you’re drunk! [ she walks over to him ]

Michael Dukakis: Yes, I’m drunk and.. I’ve had some mixed drinks. I’ve had some cocktails, some shots, and highballs, and.. ehhhh.. chasers, and I’m flying, I’m blind, stinking drunk!

Kitty Dukakis: Michael, come home with me.

John Tower: I’ll go home with you!

Michael Dukakis: [ angrily ] Senator Tower, that’s my wife you’re talking to!

Kitty Dukakis: Michael!

Michael Dukakis: I’m sorry, that was the.. ehhhh.. liquor talking.

John Tower: Yes? No, listen. I’m the one who should be sorry. [ sobs ] It’s just that I need a women so bad!

Kitty Dukakis: [ approaching Tower ] Oh, Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be here. You have a confirmation hearing tomorrow! What are you gonna tell that committee?

John Tower: I’m gonna look them straight in the eye and say, “Live, from New York..” [ he passes out and falls over the counter ]

Michael Dukakis: [ to the camera ] “It’s Saturday Night!“

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 11th, 1989

Ted Danson

Luther Vandross

None

None

Tom Davis
CheersRecurring Characters: Michael Dukakis, Kitty Dukakis.

Transcript

Montage

Ted Danson’s MonologueBio: Ted Danson (1947-). Actor; on television, plays Sam Malone on “Cheers”, 1982-93, Dr. John Becker on “Becker”, 1998-2004; films include: “Body Heat” (1981), “Three Men and a Baby” (1987); while romantically involved with Whoopi Goldberg, garnered negative press when he appeared in blackface at a Friar’s Club Roast in her honor; married to third wife, actress Mary Steenbergen, since 1995.

Cameos: 91c.

Sleepytime Rat Control

The Iranian People’s Court

Women Can’t Say No

Plug AwayRecurring Characters: Harvey Fierstein, Roseanne Barr, Casey Kasem.

Luther Vandross performs “She Won’t Talk To Me”Also Performed: 81l.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: George Michael.

Living With HogsTranscript

Grumpy Old ManRecurring Characters: Grumpy Old Man.

Luther Vandross performs “For You To Love”

Kevin’s First Love

Going to England

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 11

88k: Tony Danza / John Hiatt

Da War of Da Woilds

Rudy…..Tony Danza
Brewmeister…..Jon Lovitz
Aide…..Kevin Nealon
The President…..Phil Hartman
Einstein…..Dana Carvey
Reporter…..Nora Dunn

Announcer: The Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art presents: “Da War of Da Woilds”.

[ open on Rudy and The Brewmeister fishing off of a dock ]

Rudy: Roy, I’ll tell ya, the funkin’ fish in here stinks!

Brewmeister: Yeah, I ain’t had a bite all day.

Rudy: Let’s say we blow this joint.

Brewmeister: Sure. [ as he picks up his rod and reel, notices something strange in the sky behind him ] Hey, hey, Ed! [ points ] What the funk is dose?!

Rudy: Holy samoley! You know what dose are? Dose are flyin’ saucers!

Brewmeister: Dey are definitely from outer space!

Rudy: I think dey are martians!

Brewmeister: Martians?! Dose dings will spread like termites!

Rudy: Tell me about it! We gotta warn da rest of da woild!

[ they wait until after they’ve finished their beers ]

[ cut to exterior, “Da White House” ]

Aide: [ enters Oval Office ] Mr. President. I’m sorry to interrupt ya, but some guys are heah.

The President: Whatta dey want?!

Aide: Dey say dat dey had seen some martians.

The President: Martians? You better show dem in!

Rudy: [ enters with Rudy ] Sorry to bother ya’s, Mr. President. But my name is Rudy, and dis here’s da Brewmeister!

The President: Yo! [ shakes fist; Rudy and The Brewmeister return the greeting ]

Brewmeister: Pleased to make ya acquaintance.

The President: Yeah, so what’s all dis I hear about Martians?!

Brewmeister: Oh, dey have landed, Mr. President, we’ve seen dem!

Rudy: Yeah, they had saucers and ray guns, and stuff like dat! I think they mean to take over da woild!

The President: Hey, Joey! [ Aide returns ] Better get my advisors in heah!

Aide: Alright. Sorry, all your advisors are bowling.

The President: Bowling?!

Aide: Yeah. Dey got dat big toinement today.

The President: Oh, yeah, the big toinement!

Rudy: Oh, listen, sir. Not for nothing, but we ain’t got no time to spare – so to speak! Hey! Maybe we should find, like a scientist, to make a weapon to blow their f–kin’ heads off!

The President: Good thinkin’! But who?!

Brewmeister: Well, what about that real smart scientist, what’s his name?

Rudy: Uh.. Einstein!

Brewmeister: Einstein! Yeah, that’s it!

The President: Let’s haul it!

[ they exit the Oval Office ]

[ cut to “Some Big-Shot College” ]

[ dissolve to SUPER: “(Where Einstein Is At)” ]

[ dissolve to Einstein’s office ]

The President: Perfessor Einstein?

Einstein: [ stands ] Yeah, yeah, dat’s da name, don’t wear it out! Hey, what can I do ya’s for?

The President: I am da President of da United States. And dis heah’ Rudy, and dis is da Brewmeister.

Einstein: Yo! [ waves fist; the others return the greeting ]

The President: Perfessor, we got martians!

Einstein: Martians? You mean, like extra-tyrannicals?

Rudy: Yeah! We got dem comin’ out da ol’ ying-yang!

Brewmeister: And we need some sort of weapon to blow da f–kin’ saucers out of da f–kin’ sky!

Rudy: Yeah!

Einstein: Yeah, well, I got dis laser gun over heah! [ removes drop cloth to reveal a laser gun ] You know, you could try dat, I don’t know! But for da f–kin’ martians, geez! I can’t be certain dat dis will work out dere! I was gonna use it to take paint off sidin’!

Rudy: Well, Perfessor, we gotta take it, ’cause it’s our only shot!

Einstein: Alright, but you’re gonna hafta leave some sort of deposit heah!

[ they collect their money for a deposit ]

[ cut to variosu newspaper headlines – “We Got Martians up Da Wazoo!”, “Nuttin’ Can Stop Dem!”; “Dey Are Maniacs!”; and “Mets Sweep Doubleheader!” ]

[ cut to Rudy and The Brewmeister using the laser gun to shoot at the surrounding flying saucers in the sky ]

Brewmeister: Take dis, you doity Martians!

Rudy: It ain’t no use! Dis f–kin’ ding don’t work!

Brewmeister: Oh, da woild is doomed!

[ cut to Oval Office, the President and his men watching the news on TV ]

Reporter: The Martians appear unstoppable! Dey have swarmed all over da f–kin’ planet, spreadin’ destruction and fear! [ grabs note ] Oh! Dis just in: the Martians have blown up da Parthenon!

Aide: [ runs in ] Hey, Mr. President! Da Martians wanna know if we will surrender.

The President: I’m afraid we got no other choice, but to surrender!

Rudy: [ runs in ] Wait a minute, Mr. President! Don’t trow in da towel yet! Toin on da TV!

Reporter: [ on TV ] Da Martians are dyin’! I repeat: dey are dyin’! Da reason is joims! Oith joims! Dey can’t take da joims!

[ President and his men cheer ]

Rudy: Hey! Who woulda thought dat joims could be our friend!

The President: Maybe we loined a lesson heah!

Brewmeister: Yeah! Joims don’t like Martians!

The President: And visa-versa!

Rudy: F–kin’ ‘eyyy!

Announcer: This has been “Da War of Da Woilds”, by Da Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art. Join us next week for “Hoicules Voisus Da Blob”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 11

88k: Tony Danza / John Hiatt

A Message From Ted Bundy

Ted Bundy….Dana Carvey

[ open on Ted Bundy, hair standing on end, smoke rising from his tattered clothes ]

Ted Bundy: Hello, I’m Ted Bundy. Thank you. You know, all too often, we Americans take electricity for granted. We assume that when we flip that switch, the power will just be there. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. And I learned that the hard way on Tuesday, when a brownout in central Florida turned a routine execution into an embarrassing and painful farce. And now, I’ve gotta do it all over again.

And that started me thinking: does America have all the energy reserves it needs to carry it through the nineties? And if not, what are the alternatives? Nuclear? Perhaps.. but is it safe? Coal is plentiful.. but I worry about the environment. Solar? Well, let’s be frank, it’s years away. The fact is, no one energy source alone can meet America’s energy needs. [ holds up lightbulb, which lights up in his hand ] As we head into the next decade – or, as you head into the next decade – we must rely on a combination of sources – coal, hydroelectric, and nuclear, conservation, and hanging.

This has been Ted Bundy, temporarily “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts