Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 6

87f: Danny DeVito / Bryan Ferry

Church Chat

Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
Jessica Hahn…..Jan Hooks
…..Danny DeVito

Church Lady: Hello, I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”. Well, you know, the holiday season has arrived. And, with it, a little letter from Toledo, Ohio. Let’s read that, shall we?

[ reading ] “Dear Church Lady: I am shocked at the number of people who bring their children to total strangers in Santa suits, and allow them to hold their young ones firmly on their pelvic regions, offer them candy and whisper, ‘Don’t be afraid to tell me what you really want!’ What causes this mass hysteria?” Signed, Elaine.

Well, Elaine, let’s examine thew word “Santa”, shall we? [ holds up board with “SANTA” spelled across it in removeable letters ] Santa. Let’s see, what have we got here? We’ve got an S and an A, an N, a T, and another A. Hmm.. [ rearranges the letters ] Who could be causing all those laps to bounce up and down curiously? Who would help grown men peel the focus from the baby Jesus on his birthday? Who could it be, I just don’t know. Could it be.. [ echo ] Satan!! [ the letters now spell “SATAN” ]

Alright, and now, speaking about bouncing up and down curiously, let’s welcome my first guest, Jessica Hahn.

[ Jessica Hahn sits before the Church Lady ]

Church Lady: Welcome, Jessie.

Jessica Hahn: Well, thank you for having me here, Church Lady, it’ll give me a chance to finally clear my name.

Church Lady: Oh, it does need clearing once again, doesn’t it? Just when you think your story’s over, Jessie, you pop up again, just like some nasty bacterial fungus you get at a gas station bathroom. It just simply won’t go away, will it?

Jessica Hahn: It’s been a very long year.

Church Lady: Yes. Well, let’s recap 1987 for you, shall we? Let’s see.. it went simple churchgoer, and then the Jim Bakker sex scandal, and now you’re Hugh Hefner’s live-in love muffing, aren’t you?

Jessica Hahn: Well, I’m denying allegations that I was a teenage prostitute on Lonmgg Island.

Church Lady: Yes, I remember your picture on the tabloid saying, “I am not a whore.”

Jessica Hahn: I am not a whore!

Church Lady: [ smug ] And I am not the Church Lady.

Jessica Hahn: What?!

Church Lady: Never mind, never mind. I’m just babbling.

Jessica Hahn: Well, I regret that I have to come forward once more and defend my character!

Church Lady: Yes, you seem to have to do that often. Where do people get these wacky ideas, Jessie? Where, oh where, oh where? [ holds up Playboy magazine with Jessica on the cover ] Certainly not from these pictures in Playboy magazine. I’m sure most Christians pose nude all the time. Well, let’s take a look at your little pictorial here.. [ flips pages ] Whoo-oo! Well, your naked breasts are oiled up nicely! Your back is arched, causing your bulbous buttocks to tip upward ever so slightly! Obviously, your celestial orifice is engorged and tingly –

Jessica Hahn: Okay,. we get the point, alright!

Church Lady: Alright, just relax, Jessie..

Jessica Hahn: Alright, peple can make fun of me all they want, I don’t care! Okay? But these pictures say something! They say that Jessica Hahn is nobody’s robot, alright! That she’s not gonna be used and thrown out! Now, being used and degraded in a hotel rom in Florida was not my decision! But being used and degraded on the pages of this magazine, that was my decision! Yeah! And I’m telling you, that for the first time in my life, I am in control of being used and degraded!

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Why don’t we just move on, Jessie? That was a nice little speech, we all have a tear in our eye, don’t we? [ Jessica moves down ] Alrighty. Now my next geust is making a second appearance on “Church Chat”. Join me, please, in welcoming Danny DeVito.

[ Danny DeVito sits in front of the Church Lady ]

Church Lady: Hello, Daniel.

Danny DeVito: Hi, Church Lady. Good to see you.

Church Lady: Alrighty. Now, Dan, you’ve been very, very busy. I understand you have a brand new motion picture out. “Throw Momma From the Train”.

Danny DeVito: That’s right.

Church Lady: Well, that’s a charmimg little title, Daniel. And what is the film about?

Danny DeVito: Well, in the movie I want Billy Crystal to do away with my mother – knock her off – because she’s a pain in the.. neck.

Church Lady: Mmm-hmm. So it’s a family picture. We’ve done a little film about murdering our mother. Just in time for Christmas. How conveenent!

Danny DeVito: Come on, loosen up, Church Lady. I mean, it’s a comedy. I mean, when was the last time you laughed?

Church Lady: I don’t think that’s any of your business.

Danny DeVito: [ chortles with glee ] I mean, it wouldn’t hurt you to go out and get your package wrapped every once in a while, you know what I’m saying!

Church Lady: Well, Daniel, I’m gonna have to say a little prayer against you for that one, okay? [ whispers her prayer ] Well, I hope someone’s beginning to feel a prickly sensation in their naughty area.

Jessica Hahn: Boy, I do, Church Lady.. I do.. I do..

Church Lady: I’m sure you do, Jessie. Why don’t you give it a rest.

Jessica Hahn: [ angry ] Alright, look! I did not come here to be insulted, alright!

Church Lady: No, that could happen on any street corner.

Jessica Hahn: Look, I’m warning you, lady!

[ Danny breaks them apart ]

Danny DeVito: Hey! This is the season to be jolly. Come on!

Church Lady: Alrighty, alrighty.. we like ourselves, let’s just cool off for a second. Thank you, Daniel, that’s very nice. And it is the holidays, which reminds me we have a special feature for your enjoyment – the debut of the “Church Chat” band. And, Danny, I understand you’re going to sing with our band.

Danny DeVito: You got it!

Church Lady: Alrighty. Well, I think that would be lovely.

Danny DeVito: They tell me you play a mean set of drums.

Church Lady: Well, I have been rehearsing on skins for a while, and I hope I can keep up with you. Why we just try that, okay? [ walks across the stge with Danny ] Right over here, we’ve got Pearl, and we’ve got Steven. It should be a lot of fun.

Danny DeVito: [ singing ]
“Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
are pulling on the reins.
Bells are ringing, children singing;
All is merry and bright.
Hang your stockings and..”

Church Lady: “..say your prayers!”

Danny DeVito: “‘Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.”

Take it, Church Lady, go babe!

[ Church Lady works the drums ]

Danny DeVito: She’s hot! She’s hot!

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special!

Danny DeVito: [ singing ]
“Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane
He’s got a bag that is filled with toys
for the boys and girls again.
Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle,
What a beautiful sight.
Jump in bed, cover up your head,
‘Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!”

Announcer: This has been “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 5th, 1987

Danny DeVito

Bryan Ferry

None

G.E. Smith

Cheryl Hardwick

Rhea Perlman
Reagan-GorbachevSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Phil Hartman) shows movie-related landmarks to Mikhail Gorbachev (Danny DeVito).

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Mikhail Gorbachev.

Transcript

Montage

Danny DeVito’s MonologueFirst Hosted: 81s.

Summary: Danny DeVito shows off his high school yearbook to prove that he and Bruce Springsteen went to school together.

Handi-OffSummary: Office employee Sheila (Victoria Jackson) seeks a product that will resolve the problem she faces by having extra digits.

Transcript

At The MoviesSummary: Gene Siskel (Kevin Nealon) and Roger Ebert (Phil Hartman) review Christmas porno films.

Recurring Characters: Roger Ebert.

Church ChatSummary: The Church Lady (Dana Carvey) talks to Danny DeVito about his so-called new “family friendly” movie, “Throw Momma From the Train”, then invites him to sing “Here Comes Santa Claus” while she performs a drum solo.

Recurring Characters: Church Lady.

Transcript

Bryan Ferry performs “The Right Stuff”Bio: Bryan Ferry (1945-). Singer-songwriter; lead vocalist for Roxy Music; briefly dated Jerry Hall in the 1970’s.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The Jungle RoomSummary: Nancy Maloney (Victoria Jackson) will finally sing at Eddie Spimozo’s (Jon Lovitz) Jungle Room.

Recurring Characters: Eddie Spimozo, Charlie Loomis, Nancy Maloney.

White Trash Appraiser

Ann Landers’ PlayhouseRecurring Characters: Ann Landers.

Bryan Ferry performs “Kiss & Tell”

The DoormanSummary: A tenant (Phil Hartman) and his doorman (Danny DeVito) fail to accurately recall events since knowing one another.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 21st, 1987

Candice Bergen

Cher

Paul Shaffer & The World’s Most Dangerous Band

Sydney Biddle Barrows
A Message From the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: Vice-President George Bush (Dana Carvey) announces that he’s staged a coup in order to deter his status as a wimp.

Recurring Characters: George Bush.

Montage

Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: While clutching a live turkey, Candace Bergen tells the audience about the pet turkey she had as a child.

First Hosted: 75d.

Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) will put girly man Helmut (Phil Hartman) through an extensive and cruel exercise regime.

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz, Helmut.

Anne BoleynSummary: King Henry VIII’s exiled wife, Anne Boleyn (Candace Bergen), decides how she wants to die following their divorce.

Judge Anthony Kennedy AdSummary: Machine parts will be taxed.

Ching ChangeSummary: Ching Change’s (Dana Carvey) sister Loose (Nora Dunn) dates a positive ethnic stereotype (Phil Hartman).

Recurring Characters: Ching Change, Loose.

Cher with Paul Shaffer & The World’s Most Dangerous Band performs “We All Sleep Alone”Bio: Cher (1946-). Singer-songwriter/actress; with Sonny Bono, comprised pop duo/TV variety act Sonny & Cher from 1964-75; married for the same length of time, producing one daughter, Chastity; later married rocker Gregg Allman, 1975-79; won the Academy Award for Best Actress for “Moonstruck” (1987).

Bio: The World’s Most Dangerous Band are the house band on “Late Night with David Letterman”, 1982-93; in addition to Shaffer, a former musical director on “SNL”, members are: Will Lee (bass guitar), Sid McGinnis (guitar), and Anton Fig (drums and percussion); the group would later double when Letterman moved operations to CBS for “The Late Show with David Letterman”, 1993-.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Thanksgiving ProstitutionSummary: The original Mayflower Madam (Candace Bergen) organizes a group of prostitutes for the pleasure of the Indians.

Bio: Sydney Biddle Barrows (1952-). Mayflower Madam; ran high-class prostitution/escort service in New York City from 1979-84; portrayed by Candice Bergen in the 1987 TV-movie based on her biography.

Country Through & ThroughSummary: Country singer’s (Dana Carvey) album expresses his humiliation.

Cher with Paul Shaffer & The World’s Most Dangerous Band performs “I Found Someone”

Thought BalloonsSummary: Their visual thoughts differ from a couple’s (Phil Hartman, Candace Bergen) conversation.

Peeping TomSummary: A peeping Tom (Kevin Nealon) watches as newly released Mace (Phil Hartman) tries to seduce a prostitute (Jan Hooks).

Recurring Characters: Mace.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 4

87d: Robert Mitchum / Simply Red

The Mountain Man

Mountain Man…..Dana Carvey
Rhonda…..Victoria Jackson
Sydney…..Jon Lovitz

[ fade in on a panorama of the mountain wilderness ]

Announcer: There have been many trappers and hunters in these woods.But none is manly as Rick “Peachfuzz” Parsons, the Mountain Man.

[ fade to inside a cabin, where the Mountain Man is cleaning his rifle bythe fireplace. Cut to the front door. ]

Rhonda: Here it is, honey – Mountain Man Tours. It’ll be so much fun.

Sydney: [ whining ] I’m tired!

Rhonda: Oh, come on. [ knocks at the door. Cut to the inside. ]

Mountain Man: Come in!

Rhonda: [ enters ] Hello, are you the tour guide they call theMountain Man?

Mountain Man: Yeah, that’s me.

Sydney: Hi, I’m Sydney Tacker. This is my wife, Rhonda.

Mountain Man: Yeah?

Rhonda: We heard about you, and we’d like to take that three-day hikeinto the mountains.

Mountain Man: Yeah, you would, huh?

Sydney: You’re a lot younger. I thought you’d be a lot bigger than that.

Mountain Man: [ points a flashlight at Sydney ] A baby cougar couldtake your leg off with one swipe.

Sydney: I understand.

Mountain Man: Yeah, you should. Let me ask you a question: you ever beento the mountains?

Sydney: Well no, actually, this is our first day.

Mountain Man: Well you know, these mountains can do funny things to aman.

Sydney: Yes, well I would imagine they could.

Mountain Man: Good response, Syd. Maybe I’ll take you to the mountainsafter all.

Rhonda: [ leaping for joy ] Yay!

Mountain Man: Shut up! I said “maybe.” First you gottalearn about mountain food. Mountain food, I love it. Slim jim tough rum beefjerky, I love that crap. [ takes a piece of food out of his pocket ] Thishere’s a banana chip, compact, efficient, perfect food for the mountains.Now, put it in your mouth. [ holds it up to Rhonda ] Put-it-in-your-mouth![ forces it in her mouth, where she keeps it ] Wrong! First rule of themountains: you don’t put something in your mouth just because a man tells youto. [ forces the food out ] Might make you sick. [ shoves it in his own mouth ]

Rhonda: See honey, I told you that.

Mountain Man: Shut up! You make me sick, you weekend campers with yoursquash-melted Hershey bars and your six pack of Perrier water!

Sydney: Hey, it’s not necessary to make fun of us.

Mountain Man: What do you know about essentials, you slipper boy?

Sydney: Look, I think we made a mistake. [ turns to leave ] Come on,let’s get going.

Rhonda: Oh honey, come on, it won’t be that bad.

Mountain Man: Come on, Sydney, I’m sorry about that. You wanna cometo the mountains, don’t you?

Sydney: Oh, I suppose.

Rhonda: Yeah, that’s the spirit.

Mountain Man: You’ve got some set of ovaries, woman.

Rhonda: Thank you. Um, did you hunt all those animals? [ gestures tothe animals hanging on the mantle ]

Mountain Man: Oh, so you noticed. Yeah, I killed them. [ admires theanimal heads ] I think if they could talk, they’d thank me.

Rhonda: Why?

Mountain Man: Why not? [to Sydney] What about you, ya ever kill anything?

Sydney: No, I think killing animals for sport is wrong.

Mountain Man: So you wouldn’t kill an animal. Ha!

Sydney: No.

Mountain Man: Yeah. Would you kill a moose that was molesting your wife?

Sydney: [ nervously ] Well, that would be different.

Mountain Man: Would it? I bet you have a teenie weenie peenie!

Sydney: [ stares down ] I’m very uncomfortable now. Goodbye. [ he andRhonda start to leave ]

Mountain Man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. [ stops them ] I’m sorry,no you’re fine, you’re fine. Listen, if you don’t like the trip, I won’tcharge you. Now I just got a few more questions and we can hit thetrail! [ slaps them on the backs ] Huh?

Rhonda: All right!

Mountain Man: All right.

Rhonda: Let’s stay, Sydney.

Sydney: Oh, okay.

Mountain Man: Great, Sydney. [ picks up a heavy backpack ] You everbeen on a hundred-mile trip with a fifty-pound pack? [ throws the pack atSydney, who tries to catch it and falls down ]

Sydney: [ in pain ] No!

Mountain Man: Get up! Of course you haven’t, squat sergeant. Everfree-climbed a thousand-foot vertical cliff with sixty pounds of gearstrapped to your butt?

Sydney: [ uncomfortably ] No!

Mountain Man: ‘Course you haven’t, you fruit-whipped little geek!

Sydney: Hey wait a minute!

Mountain Man: Hey, you ever get a grizzly bear in a gridlock and askhim to say “Uncle”?

Rhonda: No, did you?

Mountain Man: Yeah. Do you think I was scared?

Rhonda: No, I don’t think you were scared.

Mountain Man: So scared I made a tiny poop in my Swiss hiking shorts.[ to Sydney ] Did you ever strap yourself nude to a mountain top and threatenyourself with a jackhammer?

Sydney: No.

Mountain Man: ‘Course you haven’t, you fruit-whipped little fairy!Panty-waisted little geek! How about this, you ever dip your head in hot,molten lava and just look around for a while?

Sydney: [ nervously, then confidently ] As a matter of fact, I have.

Mountain Man: You fool! You’d stick your head in a live volcano? Icannot be responsible for your safety. I’ve got to turn you folksdown. Now get out!

Sydney: [ shocked ] You’re turning us down?! We’re turningyou down! We came up here to enjoy nature, not to be abusedby some sickomaniac!

Mountain Man: [ calmly ] You are a tiny man. It’s many men like youthat make women turn lesbo.

Sydney: You can’t prove that!

Rhonda: Wait honey, remember what happened to your first wife?

Sydney: Shut up! Come on, let’s go! Let’s get out of here! I’vehad enough of this. [ he and Rhonda head for the door ]

Mountain Man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

Sydney: You’re a sick man!

Mountain Man: It’s not me! [ Rhonda and Sydney leave the cabin andslam the door ] It’s not me – it’s these damn mountains. They do funny thingsto a man.

[ coyote howls – Mountain Man stares off into space as the set fades to black ]

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 4

87d: Robert Mitchum / Simply Red

Robert Mitchum’s Monologue

…..Robert Mitchum

Robert Mitchum: Thank you. “Saturday Night Live”, huh? This is something. I don’t know what yet, but I do know it’s live. Live TV – I guess that’s supposed to scare me. Like if I screw up, I may miss out on that 110th movie. And I’ve done a lot of movies, and I remember them all, too. One of my first appearances in films was with Laurel and Hardy. I think it was a comedy, but that’s what I thought of “Winds of War”, too. So who knows what’s gonna happen tonight. All I know for sure is, in 90 minutes, I go to a party. That sounds good to me. Let’s face it – there’s not much I haven’t seen in this world, and there’s even less that I haven’t done. In fact, after this show, there will be nothing I haven’t done. So stick around. We’ve got a musical group called Simply Red. We’ll be right back.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 4

87d: Robert Mitchum / Simply Red

Compulsion

Narrator…..Phil Hartman
Man…..Dana Carvey
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Model…..Nora Dunn

[ open in a dark, French setting ]

Narrator: She was like the air. Brittle and easily broken.

[ shows title: COMPULSION, as dramatic music starts ]

How could one so perfect, be so flawed?

Man: Dearest..

Woman: Not now. I’m busy. [ is seen scrubbing the stairs ]

Narrator: She was an incondescant angel, dancing on the edge of a ritual that was both innocent and jejune.

Man: Yes. She was.

Narrator: [ annoyed at man ] Her translucent figure, glowing in the light andfire of her overwhelming passion.

[ Woman picks up a chess piece and wipes under it, then looks at the sponge and sees the dirt it picked up ]

Woman: Save me…. [ Man pulls her toward him ]

Man: Why?

Narrator: I wonder what was the greater transgression. Loving her, or abiding her immaculate madness.

[ a wine glass is knocked over, as Woman tries to clean up the mess ]

Model: A little club soda will get that out.

Woman: Liar!

Narrator: She was consumed. Obsessed. Never able to enjoy her own party.

Man: I alone felt her torment. Her deepest secrets known only to me.

[ Narrator slaps Man in the face ]

Woman: If keeping a clean house is a crime, then let me be guilty!

Model: Guilty! [ another model gasps ]

Narrator: A horrifying creature. What was it we could not give her, or sheunderstand? [ everyone is dancing, while woman tries to vacuum after them ]

[ setting is now black and white and shows Woman behind bottle of Compulsion ]Woman: Somewhere between cleanliness and godliness lies Compulsion, theworld’s most indulgent disinfectant. From Calvin Kleen.

Announcer: Ah, the price of it.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


November 14th, 1987

Robert Mitchum

Simply Red

None

Jane Greer

Bentley Mitchum

Marc Shaiman
The Rolling Paper Chase

Montage

Robert Mitchum’s MonologueSummary: Robert Mitchum explains that hosting “Saturday Night Live” is practically the only thing he has left to accomplish in his lengthy acting career.

Bio: Robert Mitchum (1917-97). Actor; one of the biggest stars of the film noir style; notable films include: “Out of the Past” (1947), “The Night of the Hunter” (1955), “Thunder Road” (1958), “Cape Fear” (1962); also released a calypso album in 1957, as well as a country album in 1967.

Transcript

CompulsionSummary: In a spoof of Calvin Klein perfume ads, an obsessive-compulsive woman (Jan Hooks) continuously cleans amidst her surroundings.

Transcript

Death Be Not DeadlySummary: Private eye Phillip Marlowe (Robert Mitchum) annoys his clients whenever he interrupts their conversation to narrate the scene for the audience.

The Mountain ManTranscript

Simply Red performs “The Right Thing”Bio: English pop band; lead singer: Mick Hucknall.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Sweeney SistersRecurring Characters: Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney.

“Out of Gas”Bio: Jane Greer (1924-2001). Actress; former teen model; started in show business as a big band singer, briefly married to bandleader Rudy Valleep; co-starred with Robert Mitchum in “Out of the Past” (1947).

Bio: Bentley Mitchum (1967-). Actor; grandson of actor Robert Mitchum; bit parts in TV and films include Brian Cooper in “The Wonder Years”.

Macho Hairstylists

BeautyBathRecurring Characters: Corazon Aquinos.

Simply Red performs “Suffer”

Story of the Jewel

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 3

87c: Dabney Coleman / The Cars

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Elvira

[ Opening music: “Suffragette City” by David Bowie ]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[ Applause ]

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Uh, good evening, and what can I tell you?

[ Monitor: Picture of Daily News headline “RON, GORBY SET THE DATE” ]

Well, it’s official: Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev yesterday announced plans to marry on December 7th. Some of you might scoff at these two young kids making it, but I think it’s touching. Love does conquer all, even minor differences on the Star Wars Defense Initiative.

This December 7th, the summit, which will ban all medium-range nuclear missiles, and it’s already hit its first snag: the National Rifle Association has officially protested the treaty and says its members will continue to own and carry nuclear missiles, but only for hunting and self-protection, of course.

[ Monitor: Picture of Ginsburg ] This is Reagan’s new Supreme Court nominee, judge Douglas Ginsburg. The fact that there is almost no written record on his views and opinions has confounded liberal opponents of judge Ginsburg. Weekend Update has uncovered some of Ginsburg’s writings, and I’d like to share ’em with you right now … [ takes out a copy of Allen Ginsberg’s Howl and reads from it ] … it’s a piece called “Howl” …

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn, looking for an angry fix, angel-headed hipsters, burning. [ puts the book away ] I dunno, I think this Ginsburg sounds like a very heavy cat, and I think uh … I think he’s gonna make a groovy justice.

And another wild week for stocks, as Cale Yarborough overcame Richard Petty to win the Talladega 500 NASCAR race.Vice-president George Bush, who has been looking to stake out his own political identity, finally broke with President Reagan for the first time this week. Speaking in Iowa, Bush said that he believes a president should work hard and know what’s going on.

[ Monitor: picture of George H.W. Bush ] According to White House sources, Vice-president Bush last night said he had a dream, and he was a dashing buccaneer who sailed the Spanish main, rescuing maidens in distress and seizing treasure which he distributed to the poor. But when Mr. Bush awoke this morning, he was still vice-president, the Barney Fife of world politics.

[ Monitor: another picture of George H.W. Bush, looking intoxicated ] In a … in a valiant effort to fight off the “wimp” label, vice-president George Bush has announced that, for the rest of the campaign, he’s changing his name to George Butch.

Dennis Miller: As a public service, tonight’s Weekend Update will have no stories about Jessica Hahn, Donna Rice, Fawn Hall or Tammy Faye Baker. It’s nothing personal, it’s just, enough is enough, okay girls?

[ Applause. Dennis sits a ventriloquist dummy on his lap, then puts it away ]

Dennis Miller: No, no, what the hell am I doin’? You know …

Michael Jackson’s pet chimp, Bubbles, this week offered to pay $1,000,000 for the remains of John Merrick’s dog, the Elephant Benji.

The degenerative leniency that continues to erode the credibility of the California legal system was evident again this week when a man was acquitted in an L.A. murder trial after entering a plea of “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”Another near miss in the sky: earlier tonight, a PanAm jumbo jet came within fifty feet of a witch on a broomstick over Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport.

The federal government has gone ahead and allocated funds commissioning the building of a network of houses across the country which will attend to elderly people beginning to suffer from minor memory lapses. The so-called Ronald McReagan Houses will open in the spring of 1988.

Champion Garry Kasparov and challenger Anatoly Karpov both stormed out of the 7th game of the World Chess Championship Match in Seville, Spain, yesterday. Instead of riding out the tantrums, as per usual, the World Chess Federation brought in two replacement players to finish the game. Kasparov lost when his replacement, Jim Bob Booker, tried to jump Karpov’s king.

You know, I know there’s a trend towards frightening realism in children’s Halloween costumes, but I think it’s gone way too far. Imagine my terror when I answered my door earlier this evening, to find one of the little neighborhood kids je- dressed as Joan Collins’ estranged husband, Peter Holm. And the kid was really nasty. I gave him some Milk Duds, and he said that wasn’t enough, he also wanted the house.

Here now with a special Halloween message is Elvira, the mistress of the dark. Hello, Elvira.

[ Applause ]

Elvira: [ sitting next to a small jack-o-lantern ] Hello. You know, tonight is a night when kids go trick-or-treating, their parents dress up in silly costumes, and jack-o-lanterns grin from porches everywhere. And all of these things are fine, but … it’s important to look beyond the candy corn and the, and the apple bobbing, and the orange and black crepe paper, and — and remember the true meaning of Halloween. I mean, Halloween is about death … and dying, and rotting forever in a dank, musty old coffin! It’s about panic and despair and screaming, always screaming … it’s about firing point blank into the head of an oncoming zombie, and all his gross junk starts leaking out! And it slows him down for a second, but then he just keeps on coming! … It’s about tapping your best friend on the shoulder and, and then turning him around and, “Oh my god — what have they done to him?!?” Folks, I mean the cardboard skeleton has its place, and as long as we don’t forget uh, you know, the meat hook. I mean, soaping windows can be fun, but — let’s not forget about burying people alive. So tonight, while you’re dressing up as a hula dancer, just take a moment to think of a — of a skull, with like worms crawling out of the eye holes … thank you.

[ Applause ]

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Elvira. [ shakes hands with her ] It’s good to have you here. [ waits for applause to finish ] Thanks, Elvira. I think it needed to be said. You know, I bought a new Sony TV this week and I’m really confused about whether or not I’m supposed to peel off that sticker with the orange dots on it.

[ Monitor: picture of joggers ] And tomorrow’s event is the 18th annual New York City Marathon, and while I’m not much for exercise to commemorate the event, I’m going to get up early and jog my memory. Hey, guess what, folks? That’s the news and I am outta here.

[ Dennis gathers his papers as “Suffragette City” plays again. Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 3

87c: Dabney Coleman / The Cars

The Winning Spirit

Deborah…..Jan Hooks
Hal Everett…..Dabney Coleman

Deborah: Hello, and welcome to “The Winning Spirit”, the show that profiles those special individuals who have surmounted the odds and inspired us all. Now, our scheduled guest, Barry Ripley, the one-legged soccer player, couldn’t make it tonight. But Mr. Hal Everett, who is sightless, has agreed to step in at the last minute. Thank you so much, Hal.

Hal Everett: Yeah. Right.

Deborah: Now, Hal.. you lost your sight in a freak accident, is that right?

Hal Everett: Yeah. that’s, uh.. that’s right, uh.. what’s your name again?

Deborah: Deborah.

Hal Everett: Deborah, it happened about six years ago – I don’t really want to go into the details, but it was porcupine-oriented.

Deborah: I’m sure it was a terrible blow. But you’ve learned to overcome your blindness, haven’t you?

Hal Everett: Overcome it?

Deborah: Yeah.

Hal Everett: What is that, a joke?

Deborah: Well.. no. I mean, I’m sure you still have a fulfilling life, right?

Hal Everett: Doing what? Listening to a sunset? Didn’t they tell you, honey? I’m blind, okay? Hello! Blind! Where are you? Can’t see you!

Deborah: I.. understand that, but.. given everything, isn’t blindness just one more obstacle to overcome?

Hal Everett: Yeah, right. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you try it for about a day and a half?

Deborah: Okay.. well.. I’m sure it’s very challenging.. But what about the positives? We’ve had guests who’ve mentioned special advantages blind people have. For example, your other senses are heightened, aren’t they?

Hal Everett: Oh, yeah. Yeah, they’re great. I can smell a little better now, that really comes in handy on the subway every day. Not to mention, the hearing, of course, you know? So, let’s figure this one out – I can hear crickets chirp a little louder than you can, and you can see? Yeahhh.. that sounds fair. That’s a fair trade-off. Thanks, God!

Deborah: Well, of course.. nothing could compensate for it.. but.. you must be grateful to have your loyal seeing-eye dog, right? I mean, isn’t there a special close relationship there that sighted people just can’t appreciate?

Hal Everett: Well, first of all, on the dog – he doesn’t like me, and I don’t like him. And, when it rains, of course, that’s really great, because I get to use that enhanced sense of smell we were talking about, that’s a wonderful thing.

Deborah: Right.. right.. well, what about your sense of touch? Now, that must be useful. Here, I’m going to take your hand.. [ rubs his hand across her face ]

Hal Everett: No, no, no, no, no! Don’t do that, okay? That’s like out of some bad movie. [ awkward pause ] Did I get it in your nose?

Deborah: No! [ struggling to keep the interview alive ] You mentioned God earlier. Now, you haven’t lost faith in God, have you?

Hal Everett: No, no, no. I stil believe there’s a God, no question about that. I just hate his guts right now.

Deborah: Alright. Well, you’re a little bitter, Hal, no doubt about it. But you haven’t let it stop you from living a normal life, have you, Hal?

Hal Everett: Well, yeah.. I’m pretty much dead in the water, I’d say. Mostly, I just hang around the house and drink a lot of beer. That’s about it.

Deborah: Perhaps you have some advice for other handicapped people out there, something you’d like to say to those who might be asking, “Why me?”

Hal Everett: Mmm. Well.. I guess I could say, “Join the club, fellas. We’re screwed. Why you? Why me?”

Deborah: You know something? You’re a horrible man, you know that? I mean, a few weeks ago we had a blind horseshoe pitcher on, and he was just wonderful! And then we had a blind skydiver, and he has managed to adapt!

Hal Everett: Well, they’re insane, honey, they’ve got no grip on reality. Guys, you’re blind! Okay? Calm down! Stop embarrassing the rest of us! What is it that you people want, anyway? Do you want us to perform for you, is that it?

Deborah: No!

Hal Everett: Well, I’ll tell you what, why don’t I just do a little dance for you, okay? [ stands up and dances like a jackass ]

Deborah: No! No! Stop it! [ starts crying ]

Hal Everett: Are you crying?

Deborah: [ between tears ] Yes!

Hal Everett: Ah, she’s crying. Alright, will you stop it? Look, I’m sorry. I’ll think of something that’s nice to say about blind people, okayt?

Deborah: [ calming her tears ] Okay.

Hal Everett: Something like, okay, “If you go blind, it’s not so bad, you get a nice tax thing, a little deduction there. Oh, yeah, and you can look right at an eclipse, that’s no problem.”

Deborah: Well, that was very inspiring, Hal. Uh.. we’ll be back next week with Tim O’Grady, the legless, armles songwriter, who I promise is not bitter, and he’ll make you feel good about your life.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 3

87c: Dabney Coleman / The Cars

Marriage Counselor

Dr. Dick Mauser……Dabney Coleman
Gary…..Kevin Nealon
Marybeth…..Nora Dunn

[ open on nameplate: “Dr. Dick Mauser, Marriage Counselor” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Dr. Mauser’s office, as he sits between Gary and Marybeth ]

Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, Gary and Marybeth, I’m glad you two have sought professional counseling. That says to me that you’re both committed to working out your differences to save your marriage.

Gary: Well, Doctor, I gotta admit, coming here was her idea.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, maybe so, Gary. But you came here, and to me that says everything. Marriage is like a garden, it takes a lot of work, it needs nurturing. But hey, you’ve gotten over the hardest part. I mean, you’ve walked through that door, and that says to me that you’re.. in my office. [ brief pause ] Okay, let’s talk.

Marybeth: Dr. Mauser, it is such a relief to finally get this out in the open in front of an objective third party.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Uh-huh.

Marybeth: Now, God knows I’ve tried to talk to Gary, but there’s no communication! I’m talking to myself!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, you see, that’s exactly why I’m here. To listen, and to help you hear each other.

Marybeth: That’s music to my ears, Doctor. Now, what am I feeling? I feel neglected. The kids feel neglected. Gary works late, he works weekends. And when he’s not working, he’s out golfing!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Mmm-hmm. I see. [ turns to Gary ] Now, what’s your handicap?

Gary: 5.

Dr. Dick Mauser: 5? No kidding? So’s mine! We ought to play sometime!

Marybeth: He takes no responsibility at home! It’s as if he’s a complete stranger! He treats the house like it’s a hotel!

Gary: Yeah, yeah, it’s my fault, right! It’s all me!

Marybeth: Honey, I’m just trying to explain to Dr. Mauser that I —

Dr. Dick Mauser: Look, honey, Dr. Mauser doesn’t need things explained to him, okay? Now, Gary, I’m sensing you’re feeling unappreciated.

Gary: Well, yeah, I think they ought to appreciate me, now that you mention it, Dr. Mauser.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Call me Dick, if you want to.

Gary: Dick, I work hard for a living.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Uh-huh. You bust your butt, I’m sure.

Gary: Yeah! I come home, and there’s no “Hi honey, how are you?” There’s no dinner on the table —

Marybeth: Well, you come home at 3 a.m.!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Sweetheart, would you give it a rest? Huh? Now, you were saying, Gary?

Gary: Uh.. I was saying that I work hard.. and, uh.. I work hard.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Long hours, you’re beat, you need sympathy, a little validation, and she doesn’t seem to get that. I mean, with her it’s all me, me, me!

Marybeth: It just so happens that she finds it hard to sympathize with a man that thinks nothing of shooting skeet in the backyard! We have small children running around! Now, am I crazy to set up a few simple rules?!

Gary: [ sighs heavily ] See, this is what I have to put up with right here!

Dr. Dick Mauser: No, no, wait a minute.. is this true, Gary? You shoot skeet in your backyard?

Gary: Well.. Jason loves it.

Marybeth: Justin! Your son’s name is Justin!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Hey, hey – Jason, Justin, what difference does it make, okay? Skeet shooting in your own backyard? I mean, what kind of gun do you use?

Gary: Well, I just bought a new 12-gauge Remington.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Oh, really? Do you prefer that to the Winchester?

Gary: Oh, no comparison! It’s got good balance, real knock down power —

[ Marybeth stands to leave ]

Dr. Dick Mauser: Hey, hey, hey! You sit your big, fat butt down, okay!

Marybeth: [ annoyed ] Well, I beg your pardon, Doctor! I came here to salvage what is left of my marriage! Now, when he slinks home at all hours of the morning, stinking of gin and jungle gardenia, am I paranoid to think that you’re sleeping with your twenty-three year-old secretary?!!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Now, wait.. wait a minute.. once again, that’s a very serious accusation. Is this true, Gary?

Gary: [ hesitant ] Well.. actually.. she’s 22.

Marybeth: I knew it! I knew it! I knew I’m not imagining things!

Dr. Dick Mauser: [ mimicks her ]

Gary: [ gushing ] Chrissy is unbelievable, man! She thinks I’m a god!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Yeah? What, legs up to.. about here? [ points to his upper thigh ]

Gary: Yeah! And hooters that just won’t quit!

[ they laugh ]

Dr. Dick Mauser: Look, look, look, wait a minute.. Okay, I gotta apologize here, because we’re getting off the subject a little bit. Let’s use the old Democratic process, shall we? Why don’t we just say all those that think Gary is right and she is wrong, why don’t we just raise our right hands right now?

[ Gary and Dr. Mauser raise their hands ]

Gary: Gary! Gary! Gary!

Together: Gary!! Gary!! Gary!!

Marybeth: Gentlemen!

[ the chanting ceases ]

Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, what is it?

Marybeth: This is not exactly the objective forum I was seeking when I decided to get some marital help! I will leave you now to measure your penises! Good day!

[ Marybeth storms out of the office ]

Dr. Dick Mauser: Hmm.. wow. Gary, uh.. let me ask you a question, okay?

Gary: Sure, Dick, shoot.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Do you, uh.. do you think the Yankeees did the right thing hiring Billy Martin back?

Gary: Hey, I don’t think that was their problem. They need a good left-handed pitcher.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts