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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

An SNL Digital Short

Homeowner…..Andy Samberg
Burglar #1…..Fred Armisen
Burglar #2…..Kenan Thompson
Actress…..Helen Mirren
Pizza Man…..Bobby Moynihan

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to the sounds of a door being kicked in ]

[ Homeowner wakes up in distress to the noise, looks at his clock to see it’s 3:24 in the morning, then looks out the bedroom window to see two burglars scurrying past ]

[ the Homeowner jumps out of bed, grabs his cellphone and quickly dials 9-1-1 ]

[ by now, the burglars are inside the house and closing in, so the Homeowner scoots under his bed ]

Voice: 9-1-1. What’s your emergency?

[ from ground level, the burglars can be seen entering the bedroom ]

Voice: Hello?

[ the Homeowner hangs up his cellphone ]

Burglar #1: Did you hear that?

Burglar #2: What? It’s nothing. Just get the stuff.

Burglar #1: Okay.

[ the burglars exit the bedroom ]

[ trying to keep quiet, the Homeowner pulls up an “Emergency 9-1-1′ app on his cellphone and presses the button ]

[ screen:
“911 Emergency
The Automated Rescue Dispatch Application!
Loading…” ]

Homeowner: [ to himself ] Go, go, go, go, go…

[ screen:
“presented by
RESCUE DOGS 3D
coming soon” ]

Announcer: This summer! Helen Mirren is top dog in… “Rescue Dogs 3D”!

Homeowner: Come on…

Actress: I want your gun and your leash — you’re off the case!

Announcer: “Rescue Dogs 3D”! Sit, stay, help is on the way!

Homeowner: Okay…

Voiceover: What is the nature of your emergency?

[ screen:
“Medical
Robbery/Home Invasion
Car Accident
Other” ]

[ Homeowner presses his selection ]

Voiceover: Roberry/Home Invasion.

[ the burglars continue to pass at the window ]

Voiceover: Where should we send help?

[ screen: “Current GPSEnter address” ]

Voiceover: GPS. Please select your theater for “Rescue Dogs 3D.”

[ Homeowner presses a selection ]

Voiceover: Please pick a showtime for “Rescue Dogs 3D.”

[ Homeowner tries to skip this step, but… ]

[ screen: “You Must Choose a Showtime to Proceed” ]

Voiceover: Thank you for your purchase of 99 child tickets.

[ the app accesses his Address Book ]

Homeowner: NO!

[ names zip by: Doug Abeles, Anthony Ableton, Ken Aymong, Hannibel Burress, Jillian Bell… ]

Homeowner: NO!

[ screen:
“COMPLETE!
All 354 contacts emailed to join you at
RESCUE DOGS 3D” ]

[ Homeowner looks up to see the burglars carrying his big screen TV past the window ]

[ his cellphone flashes an ALERT! ]

Voiceover: Are you having a HUNGER EMERGENCY? Let the Rescue Dogs help, with 2 for 1 pizzas from Pizza Hut!

[ more crashing sounds in the background ]

Voiceover: Thanks for your order! Be patient, help is on the way!

Homeowner: Great… okay.

[ screen:
Anthony Ableton
Hey Dave, just got your email.
CANCEL. REPLY.” ]

[ screen:
“Anthony Ableton
Haven’t heard from U in 5 years.
Rescue Dogs 3D?! Are U 4 real?!
CANCEL. REPLY.” ]

Homeowner: What..? NO!

[ he looks up to see the Pizza Man approach the two burglars ]

Pizza Man: Hey, you guys ordered Pizza Hut? I got your “Rescue Dogs” snack pack.

Burglar #2: [ outraged ] WHAT?! Let’s SHOOT this motherfucker!

Pizza Man: What?!

[ Burglar #1 fires three times and fells the Pizza Man ]

Homeowner: [ gasping at the sight ] Oh, sn– [ he covers his mouth, but it’s too late ]

[ the burglars glance at the sound, spot the Homeowner crouched under his bed, and march inside ]

Burglar #2: Hey! Jim! Hey, Jim!

Homeowner: Wait! Don’t shoot! I didn’t see anything! Just take anything you want!

Burglar #2: Sorry… but no witnesses!

[ suddenly, a loud WOOF echos through the house ]

[ everyone glances as one of the Rescue Dogs steps into the room ]

Homeowner: [ slo-mo ] Rescue Dog?

[ the two burglars stare cautiously, as the Rescue Dog lunges into the air and bites off Burglar #1’s arm ]

[ the Homeowner laughs triumphantly as the burglars rush out of the house ]

[ the Rescue Dog leaps into the air for a high-five ]

Homeowner: Thank you, Rescue Dogs!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

C-Span

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg
Peter Rouse…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span “Next” card ]

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN: Yesterday, at a special ceremony, Rahm Emanuel officially stepped down as White House Chief of Staff.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama behind podium, flanked by a confident Rahm Emanuel and timid Peter Rouse ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Uh, good morning. Uh, today my administration says goodbye to a friend… a fighter… a warrior. A man you want in your corner when the going gets rough. A man who won’t take “No” for an answer. A man who has twisted a few arms and, uh, poked a few chests. A man who knows no fear, but knows how to make others afraid. You know him as Rahm Emanuel, but, to me, he will always be Rahmbo.

[ the two men bump fists ]

Uhh, Rahm will be replaced as White House Chief of Staff by Peter Rouse. Uh, Pete hails from Connecticut and is a lover of cats. [ Rouse shies away ] Come on back, Pete. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Uh, but enough about me. Today belongs to Rahm. Rahm?

Rahm Emanuel: Thank you, Mr. President. As the president reminded us just now, I do have a certain reputation amongst my colleagues in the administration and Congress. Now, has my manner sometimes been a bit aggressive? Probably. Could my personality be fairly described as abrasive? Yes, it could. Do I lack even basic social skills? Absolutely. Does a little bit of me go a long way? Indeed, it does. In my job, have I at times used ugly strong-arm methods to get support for this president’s agenda? Guilty as charged. But, remember: there’s a big difference between arguing a point passionately and committing actual physical violence. And that’s a difference I completely lost sight of. Not in every case, but almost. And for that I am truly very sorry. Now, Pete? Come here. Come here, buddy.

[ Rouse reluctantly inches closer ]

If there’s one piece of advice that I can give to you, it’s this: Everyone in Washington is trying to kill you! All! The! Time! And it’s kill or be killed. Are you ready to kill a man, Pete?

[ Rouse shakes his head with fear ]

Are you ready to choke a man over a vote?

Peter Rouse: [ whimpering ] I don’t think so!

Rahm Emanuel: ‘Cause this is prison rules now, baby! Olay? On the first day, you gotta walk up to the biggest congressman you can find and say, ‘Nice to meet you.’ And when he goes to shake your hand, you STAB him in the NECK with a pencil! And then you scream, for everyone to hear: “I am Pete Rouse! But you can call me King f’n Kong! If any of you ladies got a problem with that, I will FIGHT you in the men’s room!” You ready to be King Kong, Pete?

Peter Rouse: [ crying ] No-o-o!

Rahm Emanuel: Are you ready to let the part of you that’s human die?

Peter Rouse: No! I don’t think I want this job any more…

Rahm Emanuel: You can’t cry, buddy. Okay? If you cry, it’s over. If you cry, it’s shawshank! Here. I want you to have this. [ he holds up a razor blade ] It’s a razor blade. Keep it in your mouth. Hopefully, you’ll never have to use it, but it’s still nice to feel the metal against your gums.

Peter Rouse: [ crying, as he removes the blade from his mouth ] I wanna go ho-o-ome!

Rahm Emanuel: [ he puts his finger on Rouse’s lips ] Shhhh, shhhh! [ whispering ] You have no home now. Home is for people. But you? You’re a monster.

[ Emanuel kisses Rouse’s forehead, then shoves him off-screen ]

Today I am leaving the hardest and the best job I’ve ever had. Now, did I make a difference? I hope so. I do know one thing for certain: [ he sniffles ] I made a lot of friends. [ he looks off-screen ] What’s that? I didn’t? Really? No friends at all? Right. Because of my personality. [ he tsks ] Well, there’s not much more else to say. I want once again to thank the president for this opportunity, and to wish him good luck dealing with the new angry Republican majorities in Congress. On that score, I’m sure Pete will do just fine.

[ Rouse continues to cry ]

And, one last thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

Pepto-Bismol Ice

Girl…..Nasim Pedrad
Guy…..Andy Samberg
Bartender…..Taran Killam

[ open on club scene, Girl sitting at the bar ]

Girl V/O: I was at the club with some friends. That’s when it happened: [ she clutches her stomach ] This burning sensation.

Voiceover: In-di-ges-tionnnn!

Girl V/O: I was ready to go home. [ Bartender brings a tray toward her ] Then I heard about Pepto-Bismol Ice. [ the thick pink beverage is poured into a glass ] The only antacid that’s also a malt licquor.

Voiceover: Pep-to-Bis-mol Icccccce!

[ diagram of human figure as pink liquid pours down the throat into the stomach, then bounces back toward the brain ]

Girl V/O: Just one sip, and you’ll taste the relief. Pepto-Bismol Ice gives you relief from your stomach pain and fills your brain with a low-grade alcohol.

[ show girl dancing in the club with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol Ice in her hand ]

[ SUPER: “Enjoy Pepto Bismol Ice responsibly.” ]

Girl V/O: Pepto-Bismol ice got me off the toilet… and onto the dance floor!

[ a guy spots her dancing across the floor and crosses toward her ]

Girl V/O: Plus, it’s got that signature pink color that guys love.

[ two bottles of Pepto-Bismol Ice are placed on the counter ]

Voiceover: Pep-to-Bis-mol Icccccce!

[ the girl picks up one bottle to swig, as the guy steps forward and picks up the other bottle and swigs ]

Girl: [ shouting ] It kills the bacteria that causes diarrhea!

Guy: [ shouting ] Nice!

[ they begin to make out ]

[ cut to Bartender pouring a fresh glass of Pepto-Bismol Ice ]

Girl V/O: Pepto-Bismol Ice. Keep the party out of your pants.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

The Miley Cyrus Show

Miley Cyrus…..Vanessa Bayer
Billy Ray Cyrus…..Bryan Cranston
Johnny Depp…..Paul Brittain
Jeff…..Andy Samberg

[ opening logo ]

Miley Cyrus V/O: Hey, y’all! It’s “The Miley Cyrus Show”! with ME — Miley Cyrus!

Jingle: “I got guests, and a show
And I’m ready to go!
So I guess that’s… pretty cool.
It’s pretty cool!”

[ dissolve to Miley Cyrus standing in place for her monologue ]

Miley Cyrus: Hello, it’s Miley, y’all! This is like my show where I like talk to people who are pretty cool and we’ll like talk about things I think are pretty cool, and yeah, it’s pretty cool! And my Miley Cyrus band over here, we got Billy Ray Cyrus!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Miley, you are an absolute sunshine! It is just nuts how special you are. You are like God’s gift!

Miley Cyrus: Okay dad, thank you. Ok, so now I’m gonna do like, my comedy monologue. So I don’t know if y’all saw, but there’s a study that like, only 5% of French people go to the gym. So, I thought that was pretty funny because like, 5%? That’s a PRETTY small number of people going to the gym! So that’s my monologue. I thought it was pretty funny.

Billy Ray Cyrus: [laughing; the drummer in the background laughs as well] Oh, baby, you are hi-larious! You are like a pretty little George Lopez!

Miley Cyrus: [embarrassed] Okay! So, my guest tonight is a really serious actor and stuff like that, and now I’m a serious actor and stuff like that, so this will be pretty cool. Please give a big “Shellow” to Johnny Depp! [Depp enters, disinterested and barely hugs her] So, Johnny Depp, you play a creepy guy a lot, which I think is pretty cool.

Johnny Depp: Yes, I uh, enjoy exploring some, uh, darker characters.

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, me too! So, I’ve [brief pause for audience laughs], I’ve been a fan of yours going like all the way back to Willy Wonka, and there’s something that I’ve always wanted to ask you: Like, how do you pick out which movies you’re gonna do and like what’s your favorite movie you ever did and like what’s your favorite role you ever did and like who’s your best friend and like how tall are you and like what eyeliner do you wear and like are you American?

Johnny Depp: Well, it’s… kind of a lot to process…

Billy Ray Cyrus: [laughing] Look out, Depp! My baby girl wants some answers, [does a lame gesture with both pointer fingers] she’s coming to get ‘em!

Miley Cyrus: [embarrassed] Dad!

Billy Ray Cyrus: You make me smile!

Miley Cyrus: So, Johnny Depp! Like, what is your next movie that’s coming out?

Johnny Depp: Actually, Tim Burton and I are working on a haunting adaptation of Good Night, Moon.

Miley Cyrus: [nods with slight confusion] Yeah, that’s pretty cool! So like, let’s roll the clip!

Johnny Depp: Oh, I didn’t bring a clip!

Miley Cyrus: No, it’s a clip from my movie. I think you’re gonna like it ‘cause it’s like, really dramatic. Let’s roll that clip!

[Miley and a soldier in uniform stand in the front yard of a house; the movie is titled “Goodbye, Jeff” and dramatic piano music is playing]

Jeff: When you miss me, just think of that old oak tree out in the yard and remember my promise.

Miley Cyrus: This is so sad, because like, you’re my boyfriend and like, we just fell in love and stuff like that, and it’s like so dramatic ‘cause you’re going off to war and stuff like that, [the soldier looks at the camera in confusion] and this is just like, so not cool! [Miley looks at the camera and grins; the clip ends]

Miley Cyrus: So, that was like, pretty cool, right? Okay! Well, that’s our show! I thought it was pretty cool!

Johnny Depp: Is that it? I flew here from the south of France.

Miley Cyrus: Oh my god, I love France! Did you know that like, only 5% of French people go to the gym? Remember that? It’s from my monologue. That’s pretty funny. Well, thanks for watching, y’all! [Theme song starts] Come on dad, let’s hit it! [Billy ray comes with his guitar] I got guests/ and a show / and I’m ready to go / so I guess that’s pretty cool!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Cool!

Miley Cyrus: It’s pretty cool!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Pretty cool!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

Henry

Henry…..Nasim Pedrad
Dad…..Bryan Cranston

[ open on exterior, suburban house, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, basement, as Henry paints a mural on the wall ]

Henry: [ singing ]
“Pegasus, Pegasus, I like your shape
That’s because –”

Dad’s Voice: HENRY!!

Henry: Oh?

[ Dad enters the basement ]

Dad: Pegasus looks GREAT!

Henry: Thanks, Dad!

Dad: Hey, can I talk to you a minute, son?

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry puts his paint supplies down and steps closer to Dad ]

Dad: Now, I-I know the fifth grade can be rough — your mom tells me you’re getting picked on by some bullies.

Henry: Yeah! Today they somehow fit me into my own backpack!

Dad: Well, you’re WAY small.

Henry: Yeah, WAY small! Yeah, definitely the smallest boy. Probably smaller than ALL but a couple of girls!

Dad: That’s okay, because I’m gonna teach you how to defend yourself! You know why?

Henry: ‘Cause you were a Green Beret?

Dad: ‘Cause I was a Green Beret! And because I… love… YOU! Alright, Henry! Now — feet steady, hands up, eyes on the target, and COME AT ME!!

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry rushes toward his Dad, only to punched square in the forehead and dropped to the floor ]

Henry: OW!

Dad: Alright.

Henry: Ow, Dad!

Dad: Alright, Champ. Okay. You’re alright. Now, what happened there?

Henry: [ he catches his breath ] Yeah, let’s talk about it! Uhhh — I got my BUTT handed to me, right off the bat!

Dad: Yeah. Yeah. Now, now, what did you think you did wrong?

Henry: Well, I’ll be honest: I went in with LITTLE to NO strategy —

Dad: Ahhh…

Henry: Then, there was the whole punch-in-the-face moment, and it was pretty much just Lights Out from there!

Dad: Yeah, that’s right, Henry. And at what point did you lose the upper hand?

Henry: Ohhh, I’d say from the get-go, and then pretty much steadily throughout!

Dad: And what are you gonna do right now?

Henry: Well… my suggestion is that we both step away from this for about an hour, maybe process this. That way, I can get back to my mural.

Dad: Or: You can come at me EVEN HARDER!

Henry: Okay.

Dad: Now, WHAT are you?!

Henry: Small!

Dad: What do want to BE?!

Henry: Strong!

Dad: HOW are you gonna do that?!

Henry: I’m gonna fight and win!

Dad: NOW!! COME AT ME!!

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry rushes forward, but Dad is able to hold him back with one arm stretched outward ]

Henry: OW!! OW!! Dad — Ow!

[ suddenly, Dad knocks Henry to the floor with a suckerpunch ]

Dad: Aw, Henry, dammit! Are you okay?

Henry: Yes. But — ow!

Dad: Oh, now what happened there, Champ, huh?

Henry: Let’s see — Once again, I got ABSOLUTELY dominated —

Dad: Yeah, you got ABSOLUTELY dominated! Now, WHY did you let me DO that?!

Henry: Well, that time I was focused on staing on the balls of my feet —

Dad: Ah!

Henry: So THAT all checked out.

Dad: Uh-huh.

Henry: But that I-was-punched-in-the-face time, and I just have NO answer for that!

Dad: Now, Henry, you gotta keep your arms UP!

Henry: Right! Again, Dad, I feel like everything you’re saying makes perfect sense on paper… but, when I’m actually IN the fight —

Dad: It’s a lot harder.

Henry: It’s a LOT harder, yeah! I get tired, like, almost immediately. If I’m being completely honest, there ARE moments during the fight when I wish I was doing ANYTHING else! And, again, there’s just a WHOLE lot of thinking about my mural!

Dad: Oh, yeah — and it SHOWS! Now, I need to hear it again: What are you?

Henry: Small!

Dad: What do you wanna be?

Henry: A mural artist?

Dad: [ disgusted ] HEN-RYYYY!

Henry: Strong!

Dad: Now, okay! What should you do with FEAR?!

Henry: Have less of it?

Dad: Right! Right! Right! So come on — let’s DO thiS! KNOCK! ME! OUT!

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry lunges toward his dad, but is immediately placed in a chokehold ]

Henry: Oh..!

Dad: Now, Henry — why’d you — why’d you let me get you in a chokehold?

Henry: Uhhh — you’re asking me to take myself OUT of the situation —

Dad: Uh-huh?

Henry: But I’m STILL very much IN it! Also, could you let go? ‘Cause I think my face is starting to DIE!

Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Mom’s Voice: Boys! Dinner’s ready!

Henry: Good!

[ Dad releass his grip on Henry ]

Dad: Okay, we’ll be up in a minute! [ to Henry ] Okay. Ready?

[ Dad lays another suckerpunch across Henry’s face and drops him to the floor ]

Henry: Oh!

Dad: Alright, Son. Now, what happened there, Henry?

Henry: I don’t knoooowwww. I mean, looking back, I’m very PROUD of my performance. I did EVERYTHING right. I mean, in the end, it just came down to superior size and strength!

Dad: Well, obviously, this is gonna take some time. But, I gotta say, you are improving crazy-fast!

Henry: Yeah! I’m improving CRAZY-Fast!

Dad: [ chuckling ] And I LOVE you, buddy, but you’re WAY small!

Henry: WAY small!

[ Dad wraps his arm around Henry and peads the boys upstairs ]

[ cut to exterior view of the house ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

Goodnights

…..Bryan Cranston

Bryan Cranston: Ohhhhh, thanks to Kanye West! Pusha T! Morgan Freeman! Ernest Borgnine! Thank you, Lorne Michaels, this is the greatest cast in the world! I had the BEST week of my life! [ he blows a kiss to the audience ] I love you all!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

The Bjelland Brothers

Jeffrey…..Bryan Cranston
Dan…..Fred Armisen

[Opens with an outside shot of the Target Center arena]

[ Caption: “Minneapolis, MN.” ]

[Cuts to the stage with two long-haired old school soft rock singers. The band behind them play a jangly soft rock song]

Dan: Good evening, everybody!

Jeffrey: Hello! Thank you all for coming.

Dan: Wow!

Jeffrey: Are you ready, Dan?

Dan: I’m always ready. Oh, yeah.

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Jeffrey: Oh, remember this song?

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

[soft rock theme continues]

Dan: Thank you all so much for coming here tonight. It means so much to me and my brother Jeffrey.

Jeffrey: It sure does. [to the audience] Can you all see us? Even the people in the back? Is that–

Dan: Turn the house lights up a little. We want to see the crowd. [looks into the audience] Mmm, look at that. There aren’t that many people here tonight.

Jeffrey: It’s what professional singers describe as “lightly attended”.

Dan: There are pockets of people. I see a nice little crowd right over there. [points] Hello!

[Three people wander around the empty arena]

Jeffrey: Still, a few more people would’ve been nice. [pointing to the stands] It seems like whole sections are empty.

Dan: Whole sections… you know what? That’s okay. This is our hometown. And we love you!

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Dan: Hello!

[soft rock theme continues]

Jeffrey: You know, this song hit the Top 200 on the Minnesota charts back in 1979. It’s our only song. How about that?

Dan: It was so nice seeing our name up there. “The Bjelland Brothers”. You know, printed local music magazine. We were shocked.

Jeffrey: Especially since the song itself was written fairly quickly, believe it or not.

Dan: It’s very true. I had sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to a woman I was very interested in…

Jeffrey: Very interested.

Dan: …and I didn’t hear back from her as to whether or not she got it. I was very depressed for about a year. Until one day I walked out into my garage and saw a bottle of sparkling apple juice underneath my table. So, as it turns out, I never sent it.

Jeffrey: He’s very forgetful.

Dan: But you know something? We did get this wonderful song out of it.

Jeffrey: We did.

Dan: What a wonderful thing that is! To write beautiful music.

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Dan: [to the band] Say hello to our band. They’ve been working so hard on this 3-day tour.

Jeffrey: You know, we’ve lost a lot of money on this tour. A lot of money.

Dan: We bought two buses. You know how much a bus costs? We could’ve rented them, but I was just being show-offy in front of my new assistant. So dumb.

Jeffrey: [holding his arms in disbelief] We also hired a chef!

Dan: So stupid. You guys look like a really good crowd.

Jeffrey: They do…they do.

Dan: Do you guys want to sing along? Okay, bring the music down.

[music goes down]

Jeffrey: Bring it down, you guys. Bring the music down just a little.

Dan: [sings] “I sent a—” [holds microphone out into the audience]

Audience: “–bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Jeffrey: Oh!

[Dan and Jeffrey hold their microphones out to the audience]

Audience: “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Dan: Bring it back up! [soft rock theme comes back stronger] This is the only song we’re doing tonight!

[cut to outside of the Target Center in Minneapolis, MN]

Dan and Jeffrey: “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent—”

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

October 2nd, 2010

Bryan Cranston

Kanye West

None

Morgan Freeman

Ernest Borgnine

Pusha T

None

C-SpanSummary: After announcing his resignation, Rahm Emanuel (Andy Samberg) tells successor Peter Rouse (Bobby Moynihan) that he’ll have to be tough to survive in Washington, D.C.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Rahm Emanuel.

Transcript

Montage

Bryan Cranston’s MonologueSummary: Bryan Cranston tries to build name recognition with a lavish song-and-dance number with back-up performers who don’t recognize him.

Pepto-Bismol IceSummary: The upset stomach reliever that won’t interrupt a night of wreckless drinking and partying.

Note: This filmed piece was cut from last week’s episode.

Transcript

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) hosts a talk show and interviews Johnny Depp (Paul Brittain).

Transcript

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Morgan Freeman, Ernest Borgnine, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

Sexy ShanaSummary: Basketball team (Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam) is enamored by Shana (Kristen Wiig) until she goes overboard with her sexy-gross cheering techniques.

Recurring Characters: Shana.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A man’s (Andy Samberg) attempts to dial 911 and thwart a home break-in result in a massive ticket order to see “Rescue Dogs 3D”.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “Power”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) delivers erronous secondhand news, Cathy (Andy Samberg) ends her strip’s 34-year run.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino, Cathy.

Kid SmartzSummary: In a classic game show rebroadcast from 1972, emcee Bobby Poth (Bryan Cranston) enjoys kissing his underaged child contestants (Vanessa Bayer, Abby Elliott, Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson).

The Bjelland BrothersSummary: Minnesota brothers Jeffrey (Bryan Cranston) and Dan Bjelland (Fred Armisen) perform their bottom-of-the-chart song “Bottle of Sparkling Apple Juice” over and over in concert to a sparsely-populated local crowd.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “Runaway”

HenrySummary: Ex-Green Beret Dad (Bryan Cranston) beats would-be mural artist and fifth-grader Henry (Nasim Pedrad) up in order to teach his weakling son how to fight.

Transcript

I-Sleep ProSummary: Business traveler (Kenan Thompson) is unable to fall asleep unless he can drift off to the sounds of familiar “black noise”.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

CNN’s Got TalentSummary: CNN reporters display their skills in a no-holds-barred talent competition.

GunshotSummary: A director (Jason Sudeikis) is unconvinced by an actor’s (Fred Armisen) death by gunshot while filming a scene.

Frederick from ZurichSummary: Frederick (Paul Brittain) runs over his wife’s (Nasim Pedrad) cat for the third time.

American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

RNC Headquarters

Secretary…..Vanessa Bayer
Ted Jessup…..Jason Sudeikis
Jim Boucher…..Bill Hader
Christine O’Donnell…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, RNC Headquarters ]

[ SUPER: “Washington, DC, Republican National Committee Headquarters” ]

[ dissolve to interior office, as a knock sounds at the door ]

Ted Jessup: Come in.

[ Secretary enters office ]

Secretary: Mr. Jessup? Christine O’Donnell is here.

Ted Jessup: Hmm. Have her come in. [ to Jim Boucher ] Oh, boy.

Jim Boucher: Yeah.

[ they stand, as Christine O’Donnell enters ]

Christine O’Donnell: [ sweetly ] Hi-i-i-i!

Ted Jessup: Hi, Christine. How are you? I’m Ted Jessup. This is Jim Boucher.

[ they all shake hands, then sit ]

Ted Jessup: Christine, Jim and I are handling the RNC role in your Delaware Senate campaign.

Christine O’Donnell: Okay.

Jim Boucher: Obviously, the Republican National Committee did not support you in the primary.

Ted Jessup: Mmm-hmm. But! You won fair and square. You are the Republican nominee… and we are behind you one-hundred percent.

Christine O’Donnell: Thank you. It’s nice to hear.

Ted Jessup: Mmm-hmm. Now, the latest polls have you trailing, uh — but that’s because of the media’s fixation on trivial things from the past. Like your… talking about dabbling in witchcraft on Bill Mahar’s show…

Christine O’Donnell: [ smiling ] You guys! I was only sixteen! Have you ever been sixteen?

Jim Boucher: It was also your claim that scientists developed mice with human brains.

Christine O’Donnell: [ she throws up her arms and smiles ] I don’t even remember saying that! You know? But I guess I did!

Jim Boucher: It’s on videotape.

Ted Jessup: Yeah. Uh — and, of course, there’s your anti-masturbation campaign.

Christine O’Donnell: [ recalling with delight ] Ohhhh! It was fifteen years ago! I was in my early twenties! Come on!

Ted Jessup: Alright, listen. We’re not worried about it, okay? If anything, the media’s obsession with masturbation makes them look bad. It’s creepy.

Christine O’Donnell: Look — when I started that anti-masturbation campaign…

Ted Jessup: No! Christine, Christine. Honestly. Forget it. It’s old news.

Christine O’Donnell: No, no, no, no — this is important. When I started that campaign — and I’ll be totally honest with you — I, frankly, did not understand what masturbation was.

Ted Jessup: [ confused ] Okay.

Christine O’Donnell: It turns out, I was confusing it with something else! [ she laughs ]

Ted Jessup: I see.

Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. And, as soon as I understood that, I TOTALLY reversed my policy on masturbation! Okay? Yeah? I bet you didn’t hear that from the media, right?

Ted Jessup: Nope.

Jim Boucher: I did not.

Christine O’Donnell: I will have you know… that I masturbate… constantly.

Ted Jessup: Really?

Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. I masturbated this morning when I woke up, uh, again in the shower, then while eating breakfast, and, uh, in the taxi on the way over here.

Ted Jessup: Uh, okay — Christine! You know, you don’t need to —

Christine O’Donnell: No! And I’m gonna tell you something else: In a few minutes, I’m going to want to masturbate again.

Jim Boucher: Okay — well, then, uh, to keep this meeting short!

Ted Jessup: [ chuckling ] Uh, well, Christine, here it is in a nutshell: We’re gonna do everything we can to help you win the Delaware Senate race. But, first — you have to help us help you.

Christine O’Donnell: Okay.

Ted Jessup: Okay. Now — is there anything else you can think of from your past — anything at all — that might be problematic?

Jim Boucher: Trust us — it’s gonna come out. And, when it does, we’ll need a response.

Christine O’Donnell: Uhhh — [ she shakes her head ] No. Nothing.

Ted Jessup: You sure?

Christine O’Donnell: Yes.

Jim Boucher: Nothing in the new Bill Mahar tapes?

Christine O’Donnell: Nope.

Ted Jessup: No arrests?

Christine O’Donnell: No.

Jim Boucher: Traffic accidents?

Christine O’Donnell: No-ooo.

Jim Boucher: DWIs?

Christine O’Donnell: NO! No. [ she smiles ]

Ted Jessup: Good! Good! Okay, alright. We just need to be sure, because this race is gonna tighten up. And, when it does, it’s gonna be a real DOG fight. I need you to understand that.

Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. Look — please don’t try to tell me about dog fights, okay? [ smugly ] I know all about dog fights! For your information, gentlemen — I used to run a business staging dog fights!

[ Ted and Jim are stunned ]

Ted Jessup: Really?

Jim Boucher: Dog fights, uh, like Michael Vick?

Christine O’Donnell: No. Much better than Michael Vick’s! I’ve been to Michael Vick’s dog fights. They were LAME! Mine? Mine have action! Hard-core dog fighting action!

Jim Boucher: Really?

Christine O’Donnell: You know, it taught me a lot about leadership… and about running a business. And, anyway, I was like 28!

Ted Jessup: Okay. Okay. Alright. Uh, look — Cbristine. Earlier, when we asked if there was anything in the past, anything that could be used against you in the campaign? Yeah? Remember that? Yeah. This is exactly the kind of thing we had in mind.

Christine O’Donnell: You guys! [ whispering ] No one cares!

Jim Boucher: Yeah, but the plan to address this could be a problem.

Christine O’Donnell: I’m gonna let you two hotshots figure that out. Me? I’m gonna masturbate!

[ cut to black ]

[ SUPER: “3 1/2 Minutes Later” ]

[ return to office ]

Christine O’Donnell: Whew! That was good! I am hungry. Do you guys have anything to eat?

Ted Jessup: Uh — we’re almost finished.

Christine O’Donnell: You know — while I was masturbating, I remembered something else.

Ted Jessup: Really.

Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. don’t know — [ she waves her hand and laughs ] It’s probably nothing!

Jim Boucher: Go ahead.

Christine O’Donnell: In college, I — I burned somebody’s house down.

Ted Jessup: Arson?

Christine O’Donnell: Yes. But not for money. For revenge.

Ted Jessup: Okay! Alright! Christine, I’m gonna stop you right here, because this is getting into a, uh — uh — trick legal area, and [ to Jim ] we probably shouldn’t be hearing this.

Christine O’Donnell: Exactly! And, you know what? The people of Delaware don’t want to hear about it, either. They want to hear about our future, of taking back our country and restoring the founders’ vision. Right? Things like that!

Ted Jessup: Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Well, you’re right. You’re right! No, it’s ancient history. So, uh, anyway — I think we’ve covered everything here. Unless, Jim — you, uh, you have something?

Christine O’Donnell: Uhhhhh — no! I’m good.

Ted Jessup: No? Okay. And, uh, Christine, I know you have to get back to Delaware.

Christine O’Donnell: I know, I have three events today. Busy bee!

[ they all laugh ]

Ted Jessup: Okay.

Jim Boucher: Thanks for coming in.

Christine O’Donnell: Ohhh, thanks for having me.

[ O’Donnell stands, grabs a broom and pulls a witch’s hat over her head ]

Christine O’Donnell: Okay. My pleasure!

Ted Jessup: Alright.

Jim Boucher: Take care.

Ted Jessup: Good luck!

Christine O’Donnell: Okay!

[ O’Donnell jump onto the broom as she rises in the air ]

Christine O’Donnell: And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Mosque at Ground Zero

Bride…..Vanessa Bayer
Lesbian Partner…..Amy Poehler
Pitchman…..Bill Hader

[ open on footage of a bride walking down the aisle ]

Announcer: You’ve dreamed about this day forever…

[ the bride holds out her hands, reaching out for her lesbian partner ]

Announcer: The day of your gay wedding.

And shouldn’t the most special day of your life… be celebrated in the most special place on Earth?

[ the two women stand before a Muslim congregation, as the scene freezes and the Pitchman pops into frame ]

Pitchman: THE NEW MOSQUE AT GROUND ZERO!! Coming this Fall!! It’s so much MORE than a mosque!!

[ images pop onto the screen as he makes his pitch ]

Pitchman: It’s gonna have a gym! A swimming pool! A child care center! And it’s THE! PLACE! For your GAY WEDDING!!

[ images of people appear ]

Pitchman: Weddings for two women! Weddings for two men! Weddings for a person and an animal!

Fabulous!

Classy!

Friendly!

It’s FIRST Class from top to bottom! For tops and bottoms! With a 20% discount for active military!

And the Mosque at Ground Zero’s conveniently located — you guessed it! Just a stone’s throw from Ground Zero!

[ show map ]

Pitchman: Controversial? Maybe. Fun? Definitely!

‘Cause we also offer up great services! Like: Free naturalization for Mexican citizens! A state-of-the-art pregnancy termination lounge! And a cafe featuring a full espresso bar!

The Mosque at Ground Zero! [ subdued ] It’s nothing to worry about.

[ freeze-frame to negative slide ]

Announcer: It could happen. Paid for by the Republican National Committee. And 70% of the DNC.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts