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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Telemundo Olympics Coverage

Maria Albaniz….Jennifer Lopez
Jorge Cortes….Fred Armisen
Rosa Martinez….Jenny Slate
Ken Frazen….Andy Samberg
Hector Lima….Bill Hader
Little Jefferson….Bobby Moynihan

[Telemundo logo]

Announcer: You’re watching Telemundo.

[salsa music]

[Vancouver 2010]

[sports desk with Latin hosts]

Maria Albaniz: Hola, and welcome back to the Telemundo coverage of the Olympic Games live from Vancouver. I’m Maria Albaniz.

Jorge Cortes: And I’m Jorge Cortes. This is the first time Telemundo has ever covered the Winter Olympics and we keep asking ourselves the same question: Why does anyone likes the Winter Olympics? It is cold and the sports are silly.

Maria Albaniz: It is a mystery to everyone here at Telemundo.

Jorge Cortes: All this sports are on the snow or in the ice. Why would they do this? These are bad slippery surfaces.

Maria Albaniz: Plus, all the sports are either very strange or something you would do if you wanted to kill yourself.

Jorge Cortes: But as a proud member of the NBC familia, we continue to broadcast this nonsense. Let’s go to our own Rosa Martinez at the ski jump.

Maria Albaniz: Hola Rosa! Where are you right now?

[cut to Rosa at the base of a snow covered mountain, behind the ski ramp]

Rosa Martinez: I would say that I’m in hell but it is far too cold for that. So I must be at Whistler Mountain.

Jorge Cortes: Rosa, what is your favorite memory of the games?

Rosa Martinez: I would say the flight here. It was the last time I was warm.

Maria Albaniz: Well, your outfit is very cute.

Rosa Martinez: Gracias for that. But I’m still slightly under dressed. I lost some fingers. [holds up digitless hand]

Jorge Cortes: Rosa, did you see any ski jumping?

Rosa Martinez: Yes, I did. And you’re not gonna believe this. Take a look at this clip.

[clip of aki jumper going down a ski ramp]

Jorge Cortes: It looks like he’s doing fine.

Maria Albaniz: He’s going very fast.

Jorge Cortes: Very nice, lovely.

[ski jumper jumps and flies]

[freaking out]

Jorge Cortes: Where did the ramp go?!! WHERE IS THE RAMP?!!

Maria Albaniz: DIOS MIO!!! Que paso ahi??!! Se va a caer! Se va a caer!

Jorge Cortes: Oh, NO!

[ski jumper lands safely]

Maria Albaniz: [relieved] Oh, God! He’s ok! Thanks goodness!

Jorge Cortes: Rosa, how did this happened? Did they forget to finish building the ramp?

Rosa Martinez: You will not believe this. The ramp was supposed to be like that.

Jorge Cortes: Que, que? No entiendo.

Maria Albaniz: Es loco! You either finish building a ramp or you do not build it at all. No?

Jorge Cortes: This is the madness that happens when a country has no beaches. Joining us is Canadian Olympic Committee spokesman Ken Frazen.

Ken Frazen: Hi, hello. I’m excited to answer some of your questions about the Olympics. And we do have some beaches here.

Jorge Cortes: Heh, heh…I’m sure they are very bad, bad beaches.

Maria Albaniz: So, you’re from Canada, yes?

Ken Frazen: Yes.

Maria Albaniz: So my first question is: Why have you not left this place?

Ken Frazen: Oh, um, I don’t understand.

Jorge Cortes: You know, was there a lottery that decided who could leave, and then you guys lost the lottery and this is why you’re still here…

Ken Frazen: I like it here.

Maria Albaniz: With the snow and the ice? Did you know that there are places with sunshine and dancing?

Jorge Cortes: And not just ice dancing, fun dancing with shoes and even bare feet.

Ken Frazen: Do you have any questions about the Olympic sports?

Jorge Cortes: No. We already know too much.

Maria Albaniz: Thank you, Ken Frazen!

Jorge Cortes: I do not like this Olympic Games. We go now to our own Hector Lima at the Vancouver Olympic Center with the latest in curling action. Hola Hector! What is wrong? You looks upset.

Hector Lima: Si. I’ve been told that curling was like shuffle board. A sport I like and understand.

Jorge Cortes: Ah, yes, yes. Shuffle board, I know this sport.

Maria Albaniz: Yes, I like this. You can play in the short sleeves, with the drinks.

Hector Lima: I was excited to see it. But I have some very sad news. Apparently a water main burst and flooded the shuffleboard court.

Jorge Cortes: Madre de Dios!

Hector Lima: It is so cold that the entire floor is frozen solid. And they’re forced to play shuffleboard with the rocks.

[clip of two men frantically shaving ice and following the curling ice ball]

Jorge Cortes: What are they doing?

Hector Lima: I believe this poor men are trying to melt ice with the brooms. Sweeping and sweeping but it does no good. So sad, so very, very sad.

Jorge Cortes: Well, I think we have a surprise that may cheer you up!

Hector Lima: No. Nothing could cheer me up.

Jorge Cortes: Don’t look now Hector but I think Little Jefferson has a present for you!

[Little Jefferson is man dressed as a little rascal kid holding a cream pie]

Hector Lima: Oh, Jeff, no. Go away! No, now its not the time. Olympic show is ruined. It’s tragico.

[Little Jefferson goes away sad]

Maria Albaniz: Ay, pobre Jefferson. Es muy tragico.

Jorge Cortes: Si. Very sad, very sad news from the Olympic shuffleboard Center. When we return, more freezing insanity.

Maria Albaniz: I want to go home now.

Jorge Cortes: Yeah, me too.

[salsa music plays]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Lopez
Dante…..Kenan Thompson
Mannifer Bropez…..Bill Hader
J-Blow…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jennifer Lopez!

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I was first on this show ten years ago. Back then, I was single and traveling around with a big entourage. It was a crazy time, but you know, people grow up. Now I’m married, with two beautiful children. [ the audience begins to applaud ] Yes! And I’ve left all that stuff behind.

Dante: [ from the audience ] You sure did!

Jennifer Lopez: I’m sorry. Who are you?

Dante: I’m Dante. I was in your entourage for three years. I hold the orange juice, remember?

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, yeah! Hi, Dante. I haven’t seen you in a while. Like I was saying: No, I lead kind of a simple life.

Dante: Yeah, well, now I lead a very simple life. I have no job and my only experience is walking around with a glass of orange juice.

Jennifer Lopez: Hey, Dante, you know, you got to believe in yourself. Remember what I always told you when you were we were back in Bronx?

Dante: Oh, I remember what you told me. “Drop out of Fordham and hold my orange juice.” And I did. I was majoring in alternative fuel biology — and now that’s a thing!

Jennifer Lopez: Well, I’m sorry you’re upset. I guess there are some people who might feel left behind, you know? But you can’t live in the past.

Mannifer Bropez: Yes, you can!

Jennifer Lopez: Hello! Who are you?

Mannifer Bropez: J-Lo drag queens. Remember? We used to go to all your concerts. I’m Mannifer Bropez.

J-Blow: And I’m J-Blow.

Jennifer Lopez: I see. Guys, I think, you know, it’s time to move on. I mean, who is ever going to buy you guys as women?

[ Dante steps forward ]

Dante: Well! Hello there, ladies.

Mannifer Bropez: Oh, my gosh! Is that J-Lo’s orange juice?

Dante: Yeah. Why don’t we get out of here and I’ll let you hold it. And then you could hold the orange juice.

[ the three of them walk off together ]

Jennifer Lopez: I knew Dante would be okay. We have a great show tonight. I’m here. So stick around, and we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Eternal Spark of Love

Sean…..Jason Sudeikis
Michelle…..Jennifer Lopez
Narrator…..Kenan Thompson
Female Co-Worker…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to interior, copy room ]

Sean: Back in the copy room, huh?

Michelle: Yeah. My boss has a conference coming up.

Sean: You’re new here, right?

Michelle: Yeah! Yeah. I just started on Tuesday. I’m Michelle.

Sean: Hi. I’m Sean.

[ they shake hands, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]

Narrator: Oh, yes! What do we have here? You know, I’ve heard office chit chats can often lead to office pitty pat! And I’m talking romance. Will two strangers take a chance on love? Let’s watch.

[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]

Sean: So, uh — you work for Linda, right?

Michelle: Yeah. Yeah, she’s got me working late already. I didn’t come home until… 8:00 last night.

Sean: Oh… boy. that’s, uh — yeah. I hope your husband doesn’t mind.

Michelle: Oh! I’m not married.

[ he holds his head up high, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]

Narrator: Ohhhh, yeah! Now things are really cooking! Somebody preheat the oven to 69!

[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]

Sean: You’re not married, huh? Do you have a boyfriend?

Michelle: Uh, kind of.

Sean: Kind of?

Michelle: Yeah. I have, like, uh, fifty boyfriends.

Sean: Really?

Michelle: Yeah. They’re my puppets.

Sean: Oh. You’re like a man-eater, huh?

Michelle: Oh, no, no. They’re real puppets. I’m a ventriloquist.

Sean: Oh.

Michelle: Yeah, I have a ton of puppets in my home. We do lots of things together: we talk, we sing, we have dance parties!

[ she motions her hips and laughs, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]

Narrator: Okay, now wait a minute now. She says she’s got fifty puppets for boyfriends… they’ve got dance parties. How does she make fifty puppets dance? I mean, I’ve heard of being FREAKY, but not TOO freaky. I don’t understand —

[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]

Sean: Wow! You’re really into puppets.

Michelle: Yeah, they’re my life. Oh, here! [ she reaches behind her ] One of them came to work with me today.

Sean: Came with you? You mean… you brought him, right?

Michelle: [ pulling an oversized puppet out of her bag ] I want you to meet Socrates!

Sean: Alright…

Michelle: Socrates loves to sing! [ singing as Socrates ] “I’m a big boy now, I’m a big boy now, and I wear big boy pants!”

[ she holds her pose, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides past the frame speechless ]

Narrator: No, wait, wait, wait! Wait! I got something. [ he slides back into frame ] I got something. [ he makes an attempt ] No, I don’t have it. I don’t have nothing.

[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]

Sean: Well, that — that’s really fun.

Michelle: You think so?

Sean: Uh — yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Michelle: [ she laughs ] Well, it’s my real passion.

Sean: Uh — gotta have a passion…

Michelle: I’m hoping to do shows for kids one day.

Sean: Oh, yeah? I-I love kids.

Michelle: You do?

Sean: Absolutely.

[ she smiles at him, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]

Narrator: Oh yeah, back on track! They both like kids, and we all know there’s only one way to make them! You see, love can be a — [ he starts to slide out of frame ] Wait, wait, wait! Don’t — [ he’s yanked out of frame and falls with a crash before jumping back to his feet ] Ahh! Come on, Jimmy! Seriously, man! Fifteen years of this, man, we can’t get it right?! Come on, Jimmy! Reggie, you supposed to be helping him out!

[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]

Michelle: Well, if you like kids, I should show you my puppets. At least half of them are kids. They’re so naughty!

Sean: They’re naughty?

Michelle: Yeah. Sometimes I have to spank them!

[ the Narrator steps into frame ]

Narrator: What the damn? NO!!

[ he steps out of frame ]

Sean: Okay, well, uh, you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and get back to my desk. I got a lot of work to do. But it’s nice meeting you.

Michelle: Okay! Bye.

[ he exits the copy room, as a female co-worker enters ]

Female Co-Worker: Hey! Still in the copy room?

Michelle: Yeah. Yeah. It’s just been a… rough day.

Female Co-Worker: Oh, Michelle, I’m sorry.

[ she wraps her arm around Michelle’s shoulder, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]

Narrator: Oh, yeah! So much better! You see that, Jimmy? Yeah, you like that, right? Yeah. Real, real nice. [ he starts to be pulled out of frame ] No, no, wait, I want to watch this! No, don’t pull me out! Wait! I want to watch this!

[ he slides out of frame ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Goodnights

…..Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez: Thanks to Darrell Hammond! Thanks to all of you guys! THanks to the band, thanks to all the cast! Thanks to Lorne, Steve, everybody — agghhh!! I love you guys, thank you so much for everything! [ she blows a kiss ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Hollywood Dish

…..Jennifer Lopez
Bill Hader…..Brady Trunk
Kristen Wiig…..Anastasia Sticks

FADE IN:

[ EXT. SUNSET GOWER STUDIOS – DAY ]

[ INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY ]

[ JENNIFER LOPEZ is seated on a stool. Enter BRADY & ANASTASIA. ]

Anastasia Sticks: Jennifer Lopez! Hi!!

Brady Trunk: Hi!

Anastasia Sticks: Look at your dress!

Brady Trunk: You look fantastic!

[ Both take their seats across from Jennifer. ]

Anastasia Sticks: Just a gorgeous lady!

Brady Trunk: We are so excited that you made time to do this interview!

Anastasia Sticks: Everyone here at “Hollywood Dish” just loves you!

Brady Trunk: Me, especially!!

Anastasia Sticks: Okay – – stop drooling or this whole place is gonna flood!

[ Both giggle. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, that’s okay.

[ Everybody smiles. ]

Brady Trunk: I’m Brady Trunk…

Anastasia Sticks: …and I’m Anastasia Sticks.

Jennifer Lopez: I know who you are. I used to watch “Hollywood Dish” when I was nursing my kids.

Brady Trunk: Ewww!!! Gross!

[ Anastasia covers her ears, makes tongue sounds and shakes her head. ]

Brady Trunk: Too much info! Alright, let’s get started. Are we ready?

Anastasia Sticks: Good to go?

[ Both face off-camera briefly. ]

Brady Trunk: Good to go?

Anastasia Sticks: Am I shiny!? Is my hair parted!?

Brady Trunk: Okay! A 2 & 3 – Jennifer Lopez! You just released a single and you’ve got a movie coming out in April!

Anastasia Sticks: Not bad!

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you, thank you! Yeah, I’ve been pretty busy.

[ Brady & Anastasia give insincere smiles. ]

Jennifer Lopez: You know, I took a couple of years off.

[ Brady & Anastasia stare without emotion. ]

Jennifer Lopez: But it’s great to be back, because, you know, I miss performing so much.

[ Brady & Anastasia pantomime praise and cheers. ]

Jennifer Lopez: And, um… I’m sorry, is something wrong?

Anastasia Sticks: No, no, no, no! You’re doing fine!

Brady Trunk: We just can’t talk over you. It’ll ruin the sound.

Anastasia Sticks: Yes, no sonida! Overlappa!

Jennifer Lopez: Uh… I speak English.

Anastasia Sticks: I speak Spanish!

Brady Trunk: Touché!

Anastasia Sticks: He speaks French!

Brady Trunk: Oui!

[ Both laugh while Jennifer flashes a slight smile. ]

Brady Trunk: J-Lo – your movie is called “The Back-Up Plan” and I think a lot of people will “plan” to “go back” again… and again… and again!

Jennifer Lopez: Well, I hope they do!

[ Brady & Anastasia display uncertainty in body language. ]

Jennifer Lopez: The best part is we shot the movie in New York.

[ Brady & Anastasia are half-asleep. ]

Jennifer Lopez: And, um… you know, I’m a New York girl – from the Bronx.

[ Brady & Anastasia pantomime an urban mugging. ]

Jennifer Lopez: So… it was a great experience to be back in my hometown.

[ Brady & Anastasia grimace and shake their heads. ]

Jennifer Lopez: But I hope it’s, uh, a big hit. As my mom used to say, “La paciencia y la fe.”

Brady Trunk: Spanish!

Anastasia Sticks: Do more Spanish! Do more Spanish! Yeah!

Jennifer Lopez: La paciencia y la fe? It just means “patience and faith.”

Anastasia Sticks: More! More!

Brady Trunk: Do some more! Do some more!

Jennifer Lopez: Like, “La paciencia y la fe!” Or, “La paciencia y la fe!!”

Anastasia Sticks: Sexy! Sexy!

Brady Trunk: Make it hot!

Anastasia Sticks: Spicy! Spicy!

[ Jennifer spouts numerous Spanish phrases and screams the final one. Brady & Anastasia sit aghast. ]

Brady Trunk: Yikes!

Anastasia Sticks: We’re right here!

[ Jennifer rolls her eyes. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Anyway, I’m really proud of the movie. It’s great! It’s about a woman –

[ Anastasia giggles hysterically. ]

Anastasia Sticks: Terrific! So Jennifer, let’s get to the meat of the bones – – what’s Marc Anthony like in bed?

Jennifer Lopez: That’s a little personal…

Brady Trunk: Can’t you give us any details?

Jennifer Lopez: Ummm…

Brady & Anastasia: Ummm…

Jennifer Lopez: Ehhh…

Brady & Anastasia: Ehhh…

Jennifer Lopez: Uh, I –

[ Brady & Anastasia scream to the top of their lungs. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Um… okay! Are we almost done here? Because…

Brady Trunk: Just one last question — what did you think of the last episode of “The Bachelor”?

[ Brady & Anastasia start straw-sipping on milkshakes in vintage glasses. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Uh, you know… I don’t think I even saw that.

[ Brady spits his mouthful of milkshake on Anastasia. Jennifer cringes.]

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah… I’ve been so busy, I don’t have time to watch TV.

[ Brady almost takes a mouth sip but throws the rest of his shake on Anastasia, mouth wide open. Anastasia frowns and starts readjusting her lavalier. ]

Anastasia Sticks: So, how do you keep so fit?

Jennifer Lopez: Well, I… I… dance a lot. And with two kids, I’m always running around. Uh… I have a trainer and a nutritionist, which makes it a whole lot easier. Wait, is he asleep?

[ Brady’s wearing a paper cut-out mask of himself while passed out on Anastasia’s shoulder. She has removed her blouse and only wearing a bra made of coconuts. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Okay! Okay! You know what!? I’m leaving! I’m out of here! Okay?

[ Jennifer gets out of her stool and steps in milkshake residue. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Ugh! I’m walking in milkshake!

[ Jennifer exits. ]

Anastasia Sticks: She was great!

Brady Trunk: She was great!!!

Anastasia Sticks: Sexy and so talented!

Brady Trunk: So tiny!

Anastasia Sticks: Love her, love her!

Brady Trunk: Tiny!

[ “HOLLYWOOD DISH” COMMERICIAL SPOT ]

[ SAME SOUNDSTAGE – DIFFERENT SET ]

[ Brady & Anastasia stand together. ]

Brady Trunk: Tonight on “Hollywood Dish”, you want to tune in to find out: has J. Lo gone loco?

[ CUT TO: SEGEMENT OF JENNIFER SPOUTING NUMEROUS SPANISH PHRASES ]

[ SUPER: I LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE WITH MY CAR! ]

Anastasia Sticks: Plus, Mario Lopez shows you how you can get the perfect six-pack… on your face!

Brady Trunk: Tonight on “Hollywood Dish” !

[ Brady & Anastasia engage in cross-chatter. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Car Horns and More

Nasim…..Nasim Pedrad
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan
Tina Tina Cheneuse…..Jenny Slate
Kiki Dee Cheneuse…..Jennifer Lopez
Scientist…..Fred Armisen
Teenager…..Abby Elliott

[ open on Bobby and Nasim stalled in traffic ]

Nasim: Look at this traffic.

[ she honks her ordinary-sounding car horn ]

Bobby: [ scoffing ] Nice car horn.

[ he exits the car and walks away ]

Nasim: Oh, no! Come back! I hate my car horn.

[ Tina Tina Cheneuse enters frame ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Does this happen to you? People go away ’cause you got a bad, boring car horn? Hi lo! I’m Tina Tina Cheneuse!

[ she crosses frame to a panel of steering wheels ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Does your car horn lack flavor? Then come on down to Car Horns and More. Okay, here’s what a regular car horn sounds like: [ she presses the archaic-sounding horn ] What? No. That’s bad! [ she tosses the car horn away ] You need a custom-made car horn that speaks to you. Like this: [ she presses a horn ]

Car Horn: “Beep beep, I am your car!”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Yeeeesss… that is my voice. Why should it not be? I’m an entrepreneur. At car horns and more, we got all kinds of car horns. Polite car horns:

Car Horn: “Beep beep! After you, Buick.”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Old timey car horns.

Car Horn: “A-ooga! What?”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: International car horns.

Car Horn: Honk honk! bonjour! grey poupon! Fresh.”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And for ambulances.

Car Horn: “Get out the way, a baby ate a penny. Oh, my Go-o-o-od!”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: How do I do it? I had a little help. Just ask my cousin, Kiki.

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Hellooooo! I’m Kiki Dee Cheneuse, and I’ve been in all kinds of crazy cars. Do you need a horn for a limousine?

Car Horn: Boom-boom! Minibar! Hello, driver! Honk! Honk!

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: What if you drive a airport shuttle bus?

Car Horn: Honk honk! Jet Blue! Bye-bye, Nana!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: We got horns for everybody. Come on!

Scientist: What about me? I’m a scientist.

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Here you go!

Car Horn: Bunson burner! Bubbles! It’s alive! Whaaaat?

Scientist: Good. [ he exits ]

Teenager: What about me? I’m a teenager.

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Well, this one’s for you.

Car Horn: Pass the Clearasil! Shut up, Mom! Jolly Ranchers!

Teenager: Yes! [ she exits ]

Bobby: What about me? I’m a soldier in the Army.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Here!

Car Horn: Camouflage! Bunk beds! Drop and give me 20! Beep-beep! Private Benjamin! Right?

Bobby: Thanks! [ he exits ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: We even got car horns for driving to church.

Car Horn: Hi-lo! I’m coming to your house, Jesus!

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: For the elderly!

Car Horn: Honk honk! I remember when all this was farmland.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And even car horns for people in relationships.

Car Horn: Honk! How could you sleep with Denise? Oh, my God! I can’t believe you did this to me! This is a terrible betrayal! Beep!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Oh, my, Go-o-o-od! So come on down to car horns and more.

Together: And get the fantasy car horn of your dreams! Bye bye!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Beep-beep.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 15

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Undercover Celebrity Boss

Steve Jobs…..Fred Armisen
Female Office Worker…..Abby Elliott
Richard Branson…..Bill Hader
Male Office Worker…..Bobby Moynihan
Warehouse Manager…..Kenan Thompson
Mary-Kate Olson…..Nasim Pedrad
Ashley Olson…..Jenny Slate
Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Martha Stewart…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on montage footage of “Undercover Boss” ]

Announcer: It’s official. America loves “Undercover Boss,” the hit new show where top executives go undercover as entry-level workers in their own company. But what happens when the C.E.O. is a C.E.L.E.B.? It’s “Undercover Celebrity Boss.” Watch Steve Jobs empty a trash can.

[ cut to Steve Jobs as janitor talking to an office worker ]

Steve Jobs: This trash can… holds over 35 gallons… of trash. It plays music.

Female Office Worker: No, it doesn’t.

Steve Jobs: You can watch movies inside it.

Female Office Worker: Inside a trash can? [ she is unimpressed ]

Steve Jobs: The iTrash. [ he picks up a smaller can ] And now, the trash shuffle. Thank you! Thanks!

[ cut to next blurb ]

Announcer: And what happens when Virgin CEO Richard Branson loses his secretarial virginity?

[ cut to Richard Branson as secretary approaching an office worker ]

Richard Branson: [ laughing ] Here are those files you requested, Boss!

Male Office Worker: Oh, okay. So, you’re Richard Branson.

Richard Branson: [ guffawing ] Who? What? What gave me away?

Male Office Worker: Well, you showed up for work in a space shuttle… and you parachuted into a meeting… and then you screamed: “I am Sir Richard Branson!”

Richard Branson: I did! I own all this!

[ cut to warehouse exterior ]

Announcer: Then visit the warehouse, with mini-moguls Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Warehouse Manager: I don’t think you guys should be loading heavy boxes.

Mary-Kate Olsen: Why not? It’s not like we’re the Olsen Twins.

Ashley Olsen: Yeah, we’re just a couple of normal-sized warehouse workers.

Warehouse Manager: All right.

[ he lifts a box and places it in the hands of the Olson Twins, who collapse under the weight ]

[ cut to the next blurb ]

Announcer: Plus, there’s Martha Stewart!

[ cut to Martha Stewart standing in a kitchen with her arms folded, as a director leans forward ]

Director: Excuse me, why aren’t you doing the dishes?

Martha Stewart: Because I’m Martha f–kin’ Stewart!

Announcer: “Undercover Celebrity Boss”. On the Celebrity Boss Station: CBS.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Besos y Lagrimas

Josefina….Jennifer Lopez
Senor Gomez….Fred Armisen
Magdelena Gomez….Kristen Wiig
Carlos….Jason Sudeikis
Abogado[Lawyer]….Bill Hader
Sonia….Abby Elliott

[UNIVISION logo]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

[Opens with a shot of a mansion, cut to a man sitting in a wheelchair wearing an eye patch and breathing into an oxygen mask, a nun walks in the room carrying flowers]

Josefina: Flores, senor?

Senor Gomez: Josefina! Si! [removes eye patch]

Josefina: No.

Senor Gomez: TE AMO!

[dramatic music, passionate kiss]

[cut to promo]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas.

[Josefina wears a night dress, she poses, Virgin Mary’s head floats by.]

[Cut to Josefina dressed like a nun kissing Senor Gomez, enters Mrs. Gomez carrying a head made out of stone]

Magdelena: Josefina!

Josefina: Senora Gomez!

Senor Gomez: Magdelena!

Magdelena: Carlos! Ay, No!

Josefina: Magdelena! Ay, Si!

Senor Gomez: Josefina! No! Si! Ayyyyy!!!

[Magdelena throws the head statue against the wall smashing it to pieces]

Josefina: No! No! Senora! Lo siento-o-o-o-o!!!!

[anguished looks]

[cut to promo]

[Josefina walks in and Senor Gomez rolls in the wheelchair, gets up from it]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

[cut to Senor Gomez sitting in his wheelchair and eating his salad, Magdelena stands next to him.]

Magdelena: Mira! [points out the window]

Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window]

Magdelena: [throws a little poison in his salad] Mira! [points out the window]

Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window, Magdelena throws a visible quantity of poison on the salad]

Magdelena: Mira! [points out the window]

Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window, Magdelena throws a gigantic quantity of poison on his salad]

Magdelena: Come su ensalada?

Senor Gomez: Ok.

[ Senor Gomez eats and Josefina bangs on the window pane mouthing silently “No!”, anguished look on her face. Senor Gomez dies.]

Magdelena: [diabolical laugh] Hahahahaha!!!

[cut to promo]

[Josefina and Magdelena pose in their night gowns]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

[cut to a room full of people, a lawyer reads a will in the Gomez household]

Lawyer: Senor Gomez, testamento y will. Carlos, cero!

Carlos: Cero?

Lawyer: Cero, si.

Carlos: Ayyyy!!! [anguished look]

Lawyer: Sonia, cero!

Sonia: Que?!

Lawyer: Cero!

Sonia: Ayyyy, no-o-o-o!!!! [anguished look]

Lawyer: Magdelena, will y testamento de senor Gomez!

Magdelena: Si?

Lawyer: Cero!

Magdelena: Ayyyy!!! [anguished look]

Lawyer: Esmeralda, cero!

[a shot of the dog Esmeralda]

Lawyer: Josefina! Todo el dinero!

Carlos: No! Todo? Ay, no!

Josefina: Lo siento-o-o-o-o!!!!

[Senor Gomez enters the room]

Senor Gomez: Josefina!

Josefina: Senor Gomez! Esta vivo!

[Josefina and Mr.Gomez kiss with red hot passion]

[cut to promo]

[Josefina, Magdelena Gomez and Senor Gomez pose,dog Esmeralda’s head floats by]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

February 27th, 2010

Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez

None

None

None


We Are the World IIISummary: Quincy Jones (Kenan Thompson) makes the mistake of organizing “We Are the World 3” to explain the first half-assed remake of “We Are the World” that followed the Haiti earthquake.

Recurring Characters: Willie Nelson, David Crosby, Eddie Vedder.

Transcript

Montage

Jennifer Lopez’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Lopez announces that she’s changed her image, which is bad news for an ex-member of her entourage (Kenan Thompson) and a pair of drag queen fans (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader).

Transcript

Gyne-Lotrimin Ladies’ World Cup of Curling 1987Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the Gyne-Lotrimin sponsorship flowing amid confusion regarding curling match between Helga Birkenstock (Kristen Wiig) and Maria Shakira Prinze, Jr. (Jennifer Lopez).

Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A visual display of the various “Flags of the World”.

Transcript

Hollywood DishSummary: Entertainment hosts Brady Trunk (Bill Hader) and Anastasia Sticks (Kristen Wiig) feign interest while interviewing Jennifer Lopez.

Recurring Characters: Brady Trunk, Anastasia Sticks.

Transcript

Telemundo Olympics CoverageSummary: Telemundo news anchors (Jennifer Lopez, Fred Armisen) are forced to cover the Winter Olympics, even though they can’t comprehend the merit in cold weather sports performances.

Transcript

Undercover Celebrity BossSummary:

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

Jennifer Lopez performs “Pieces”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Bobby Moynihan, Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Gov. David Paterson.

Besos Y LagrimasSummary: A strange love triangle between Senor Gomez (Fred Armisen), Josefina (Jennifer Lopez), and Madelena (Kristen Wiig).

Transcript

Eternal Spark of LoveSummary: Narrator (Kenan Thompson) monitors a budding romance between office workers Sean (Jason Sudeikis) and Michelle (Jennifer Lopez).

Recurring Characters: Narrator.

Transcript

Jennifer Lopez performs “Starting Over”

Smash MouthSummary: Cecilia (Nasim Pedrad) can’t sleep because the band Smash Mouth keeps performing in her room.

Transcript

Car Horns and MoreSummary: Tina Tina Chaneuse (Jenny Slate) and cousin Kiki Dee Cheneuse (Jennifer Lopez) display a variety of talking car horns.

Recurring Characters: Tina Tina Cheneuse.

Transcript

Closet OrganizerSummary: Throw all of your loose closet items at the Closet Organizer guy (Will Forte) and he’ll keep your closet straight for you.

Note: Repeat from 09m.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

RileySummary: Riley (Fred Armisen) calls more people a bitch.

Step ClassSummary: Step class instructor (Jennifer Lopez) turns into a werewolf when the full moon hits.

AnacondaSummary: While on a date, Jennifer Lopez runs into a former “Anaconda” co-star (Andy Samberg), who’s now a waiter and has a script he wants her to look at.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Gertrude’s Will

Attorney…..Bill Hader
Son…..Bobby Moynihan
Granddaughter…..Jennny Slate
Grandson…..Jason Sudeikis
Angel…..Ashton Kutcher

[ open on interior, attorney’s office ]

Attorney: Thank you all for coming. I’m the attorney to the estate of Mrs. Gertrude Hayes Wentworth. It is my duty to present the last will and testimony. I’m happy that all interested parties could be here: the son… the beloved grandchildren… and her pool boy, Angel, who became a constant companion and lover for the past ten years of her life.

[ Kutcher licks his lips a few times, as though about to say something, but apparently misses his cue ]

Attorney: [ finally ] Alright, let’s start. [ reading ] “To my wonderful family, I leave $200 million. And to the Metropolitan Museum, whose hallways I once spent an enjoyable afternoon, I leave $600 million.”

Angel: [ excited ] Alright, next! Come on, let’s get to it, dawg!

Attorney: “And to my stallion, Angel, who kept me in a state of constant physical bliss and arousal for over a decade, from the ages of 100 to 110, when I was at my oldest, I grant full pool privileges, except during the summer and on weekends.” The end.

Angel: [ in a mild state of shock ] Oh… oh… oh, my God. Th-that’s it?

Grandson: Angel, we owe you an apology. Uh, the whole time — this whole time, we thought you were only sleeping with our elderly grandmother… well, for her money.

Angel: Oh, my God!

Grandson: But now we realize that you had no financial arrangement worked out at all.

Angel: Oh, my God! Ten years?! Ten years of my life?!!

Granddaughter: You really did love her and her mushy… crooked body.

Angel: Oh, my God… her body! I had sex with that body for ten years! I don’t — How can this be happening?!

Grandson: Angel, we’re — we’re all shocked by the death of this 110-year old woman. But you can console yourself knowing that she died doing what she loved best: receiving oral sex from you.

Angel: This is a nightmare!!

Attorney: No, it’s very sad. The world has lost a really great woman to chlamydia. But we must keep her in our hearts.

Angel: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait! Go back! Wh-what did you say?

Attorney: We must keep her in our hearts —

Angel: No, no, no, no! The other thing!

Attorney: Oh, you mean that she had Stage 5 Chlamydia? Highest of the chlamydias. Don’t worry, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. You MUST have used protection?

Angel: NOOOO, we didn’t use protection!! She was 110!! What was she gonna do, give birth to a GHOST?!! Aw, no, no, no, no, no!! I let that goblin have her way with me for ten years!! And all I get to do is swim in her pool with chlamydia?!

Attorney: No, no, Angel. First off, you can’t swim in the pool — it’s Saturday. And, second of all, she gave you much more than chlamydia.

Angel: [ bitter ] What, what, what — she gave me love and companionship?!

Attorney: No, she gave you lots of other STDs. Including ones that are so old, they have racist names. Like Oriental Fever… and another one I don’t want to say because it has the N-word.

Angel: [ desperately ] What?!

Attorney: I just don’t feel comfortable saying that name out loud. I mean, you saw what happened to Michael Richards?

Son: Angel, my boy, I know that you’re upset that she’s gone… but you should take solace in the fact that you made an old, lonely woman very happy.

Angel: Look… you know… maybe you’re right. You know, maybe this wasn’t the life that I envisioned for myself, but if… if I’ve improved a woman’s golden years, I guess I’m as rich as anyone, right?

Attorney: Wait a minute. There’s another page to her will.

Angel: [ hopeful ] What does it say? What does it say?

Attorney: It takes away your pool privileges. Then, on the back, there’s more STDs she gad. Let’s see: Soviet hives…. crabs rangoon… something called Jazz Flu.

Angel: Oh, man… that one sounds bad…

Attorney: It is. Also: Foreignor’s Cough…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts