Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Crisis of Conformity

Fred…..Fred Armisen
Madeline…..Abby Elliott
Groom…..Will Forte
Lyle…..Dave Grohl
Steve…..Ashton Kutcher
Greg…..Bill Hader
Waiters…..Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan
In-laws…..Nasim Pedrad, Jason Sudeikis

[ open on sign: “Cadena-Norton Wedding” ]

[ dissolve to reception area ]

Fred: Thank you, everybody. [ faces his daughter ] Honey, uh, I know it’s your worst nightmare, and — I’m up here, your dad — and I just want to get the old band together, if that’s okay with you. Do you mind, sweetie?

Madeline: No.

Fred: Alright, honey — don’t be embarrassed. Can I get the rest of the guys up here? Uh, Greg, Steve, Lyle — come on.

[ they run up ]

Lyle: Hey, go easy on us, guys — this is our first gig since, like, 1983.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, I’d like to say something.

Fred: Hey, who’s this old guy?

Steve: [ laughing ] You know, I can’t believe we’re up here after 25 years.We were very different guys back then.

Greg: You can say that again. But this feels right, sharing our music with this wonderful young couple.

[ minor applause ]

Steve: Yes, yes, yes. I guess when you get right down to it… rock n’ roll always endures.

Lyle: Unlike my prostate!

[ they laugh ]

Steve: I hear that. I got issues, too.

Fred: [ laughing ] Alright.

Greg: [ lifting his guitar ] Did this thing get heavier? [ he laughs ]

Fred: Alright, let’s do this. Madeline — my little maddy — I’m so proud of you.And I hope Daddy doesn’t make too much of a fool of himself up here. Alright, this is with all my love. [ to the guys ] You guys ready? Here we go.

Lyle: One, two, three, four.

Fred: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!

[ Steve kicks drinks off of a table ]

Fred: [ singing ]
“When Ronald Reagan comes aroundHe brings the fascists to your townYou think it’s cool to be a jockBut we all get beat up by cops

[ Fred pushes a table over ]

It’s aFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lotFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lot

[ Greg kicks a tray of glasses out of a waiter’s hand ]

Fred: [ speaking ]”I guess my mind’s all messed upBut isn’t that a result of going to your schools being a part of your system following your orders?”

[ Steve kicks the other waiter’s tray from his hands ]

Steve: I guess you want me to put on my suit and my tie and eat my happy meal

[ Grohl’s microphone doesn’t come on at first, so Kutcher hands him his ]

Lyle: [ screaming ]”I guess you want me to have 2.5 children and a white picket fence?I have a better idea!How about I kick your windows in with my boots?!”

[ Fred smashes a bottle over his head ]

Fred: [ screaming ]”You hear that, Alexander Haig?You getting all that, Ed Meese?

There’s gonna be a —

1, 2, 3, 4!

[ Fred jumps into the wedding cake ]

Fist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lotFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lot

[ Fred fully trashes the rest of the room ]

Fred: We’re crisis of conformity, thank you.

[ he throws the microphone to the floor ]

In-Law: Yeah, you are! Hell, yeah!!

Fred: Well, uh —

[ dissolve to end bumper ]

SNL Transcripts

Click here to buy Sale Posters!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Tooter

…..Ashton Kutcher
…..?uestlove
…..Dave Grohl
…..Josh Homme
…..John Paul Jones
Gary Pundle…..Fred Armisen
Stefan Horkings…..Andy Samberg
Tooter Subscriber…..Jenny Slate
Office Worker…..Bobby Moynihan

FADE IN:

[ SUPER: The following is a paid advertisement from Ashton Kutcher ]

[ A montage of QUICK SHOTS shows Ashton Kutcher posing. ]

[ SUPER: ENTREPREUNER. ACTOR. VISIONARY. ]

[ Ashton is seated. ]

[ SUPER: ASHTON KUTCHER, TWITTER ENTHUSIAST ]

Ashton Kutcher: Over the past year, I’ve been given a lot of attention because of my involvement with Twitter. But recently, I started to feel like Twitter wasn’t enough…

[ QUICK CUTS OF Ashton saying “wasn’t enough”. ]

Ashton Kutcher: I wanted to give my followers total access.

[ SUPER: TOTAL ACCESS ]

Ashton Kutcher: They knew what was coming out of my mind, not what was coming out of my body. And that’s why I developed the first flatulence networking system.

[ SUPER: FLATULENCE NETWORKING SYSTEM ]

[ Ashton faces the camera. ]

Ashton Kutcher: Tooter.

[ GRAPHIC: TOOTER ]

[ A well suited, British computer guru, GARY PUNDLE, is seated. ]

[ SUPER: GARY PUNDLE, TOOTER BRAND MANAGER ]

Gary: It’s really ingenious. Every time Ashton has a gastronomic emission, or a “gission”, it’s broadcast to millions of his followers from around the world. And they’re alerted with a distinctive ringtone.

[ INT. OFFICE – DAY ]

[ A rotund OFFICE WORKER types at his desk when his passing gas ringtone alerts him. He picks up the phone and views the screen. It displays ASHTON KUTCHER TOOTED! ]

[ COMPUTER ANIMATION shows a male body being outfitted on his backside. ]

Ashton Kutcher (V/O): The process is simple — I attach a receiving pad to the flesh side of my under bones, then I run a non-toxic wire up my seam, then plug it into my mobile device.

[ BACK to ASHTON ]

Ashton Kutcher: Then I pretty much kick back and bust some ass.

[ Lead singer of The Roots and bandleader of “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” ?UESTLOVE is seated. ]

[ SUPER: ?UESTLOVE, MUSICIAN & TWITTER USER ]

?uestlove: At first, when Ashton told me about this idea, I was against it. But now? I’m still against it.

Ashton Kutcher: It was a good system, but it still wasn’t capturing the essence of Ashton and a big part of that is smell.

[ QUICK CUTS of Ashton saying “smell” three times. ]

[ A young inventor in white lab coat, STEFAN HORKINGS, is seated. ]

[ SUPER: STEFAN HORKINGS, DIGITAL ODOR INVENTOR ]

Stefan: Adding the smell at first was a challenge, but Ashton insisted…

[ The rotund office worker from earlier gets a smell ringtone from his phone. His puff of air blows his hair and he’s aghast. ]

Stefan: The testing phase just sucked!

Gary: Tooter uses Micro Crystal Technology to translate the entire gamut of flatulent subtlety. Whether it’s…

Gary (V/O): [SCROLL] SDB’S, CHURCHHOUSE CREEPERS, CRUNCH FROGS, DRIFTERS, JIMMY BUFFET’S CROOKED CAULIFLOWER COCKTAILS, LOW FLYING JETS, CRACK RATTLERS, SIMPLE PUTT-PUTTS, THE BOSSANOVA, PUMPERNICKEL SLAMMIES, ADVANCED PUTT-PUTTS, THUNDER DUMPLINGS, OR RIP TORNS.

Gary: We wanted everyone to experience Ashton’s “gissions” in all their glorious shame.

[ EXT. ROCKEFELLER PLAZA – DAY ]

[ A TOOTER SUBSCRIBER, young women in her 30’s, stands alone. ]

[ SUPER: TOOTER SUBSCRIBER ]

Tooter Subscriber: I didn’t realize what I was signing up for and I’ve actually tried to unsubscribe a few times but I haven’t been able to. I like “That 70’s Show” okay, but this, just seems invasive.

[ ?uestlove listens to his Tooter ringtone and grimaces. ]

?uestlove: Ashton’s been eating beans again.

[ Ashton stares off and passes gas. ]

[ INT. DRESSING ROOM – DAY ]

[ SUPER: THEM CROOKED VULTURES, “SNL” MUSICAL GUESTS ]

[ THEM CROOKED VULTURES are relaxing on a couch. Josh Homme hears Dave Grohl’s ringtone go off. ]

Josh Homme: Dude, what is that smell?

Dave Grohl: Ashton Kutcher just farted again.

Josh Homme: Very cool.

[ John Paul Jones stares sadly at the camera. ]

John Paul Jones: I was in Led Zeppelin.

[ BACK TO TESTIMONALS ]

[ Stefan’s phone rings. ]

Stefan: I’m sorry, I’m going to take this.

[ Stefan answers his phone. ]

Stefan: Hello?

[ The sound of passing gas. ]

Stefan: It’s a Kutcher Toot! Oh God!! I’m gagging at the mouth!

Ashton Kutcher: So subscribe today. Tooter — Because I’m that important.

[ SUPER: BECAUSE I’M THAT IMPORTANT ]

[ EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER – DAY ]

[ The Tooter subscriber’s hair blows from the Toot she just received on her cell phone. ]

Tooter Subscriber: Ashton’s at McDonald’s.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg

[Open on title card]

Announcer: And now, an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.

[Dissolve to interior of Rahm Emanuel’s office, where Emanuel is sitting on his desk, addressing the camera]

Rahm Emanuel
[turns to camera two]

As for the progressive Democrats whom I used the term in reference to, I should never have called you that. What I should have called you are f**king BABIES! Stupid f**king babies who can’t keep their mouths shut! You went to The Wall Street Journal with this, you f**king turncoats?! The Wall Street Journal?! I’m trying to get s**t done here, and I know we’re not moving as fast as you want on health care, but maybe you noticed the Republicans are trying to paint us as Soviet crack dealers! I’ve already got them crawling up my ass, and now you want in too? I’ve got so many legislators in my colon, I need 60 votes just to take a s**t, so f**k you!

[turns back to camera one, now calmer than before]

I’d also like to personally apologize to Sarah Palin, who went on Facebook to criticize my comments and ask for my resignation. While my resignation will not be forthcoming, I hope the former governor can accept my humblest apologizes for my poor choice of words.

[Turns back to camera two]

So, now I’m waiting for your apology, you f**kin’ harpy! Or do you forget saying my brother, Zeke, supports death panels, and his philosophy was “downright evil”? Well, he’s a f**kin’ doctor whose dedicated his life to helping people, not a quitter who couldn’t finish dinner! So why don’t you stick to collecting checks for your stupid Tea Party speeches, you half-a-f**in’ politician? Also, you come after me on Facebook?! What are you, 14? Here’s a status update: GROW THE F**K UP! Poke me again, and I will write s**t on your wall so obscene, your computer will cry! Go back to the tundra, you f**kin’ gimmick!

[turns to a third camera, pointing to the camera]

I’m sorry, did you f**kin’ say something?

[The camera shakes no]

Are you sure?

[The camera nods yes]

[threatening]: You better be sure.

[Turns back to camera one, calmer]

In conclusion: Boo-f**kin’-hoo. Get over it.

[Dissolve to title card amid audience cheering and applauding]

Announcer: This has been an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.

[Cut back to Emanuel’s office]

Rahm Emanuel: And also, Mel Gibson: Shut the f**k up!

[fade]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Goodnights

…..Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher: Thank you… to the Crooked Vultures! You guys are amazing, you’re absolutely incredible. [ to John Paul Jones ] Here, I’m on stage with a living legend! [ Jones raises his arms triumphantly ] I want to thank Lorne Michaels, I want to thank the writers, I want to thank the crew, I want to thank the cast! I want to say “Happy Birthday” to ME! There’s no better way for me to spend my birthday than right here! But, most of all, I want to thank YOU!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Cialis For Three Ways

Husband….Ashton Kutcher
Wife….Kristen Wiig
Katie….Jenny Slate
Doctor….Nasim Pedrad

[Opens with a misty landscape overlooking the ocean, a husband and wife inside their bathtubs look on]

Announcer: For yearsm Cialis has been America’s most trusted E.D. solution. In the past we’ve offered you a variety of options. Thirty six hour Cialis. Then Cialis for daily use. And now there’s brand new Cialis for three-ways.

[another bathtub with a girl in it appears next to the married couple]

Where you can be ready when that very rare moment is right. Like, when your wife’s old yoga teacher is in town.

[Wife opens the door, Katie enters, they hug, husband looks at them.]

Say, isn’t she the one your wife told you that story about? Or was it another Katie?

[Excited Katie pulls out a champagne bottle]

Nope, same Katie.

Whether its a special anniversary present or just a partner with low self-esteem —

[Wife drinks and flirts with Katie, husband laughs]

when it falls into your lap, you want your lap to be ready.

[Husband, wife and Katie hold hands]

That’s why Cialis for three-ways has 50% more of the effective ingredient.

[Husband, wife and Katie’s feet are jumbled and bumping in bed]

As well as a powerful anti-depressant to help you cope with the inevitable shame and regret.

[Katie leaves the bed wrapped in a bed sheet ashamed, husband waves bye to her, goes back to sleep with the wife]

There’s also a little Xanax in there to help you make it through the next day’s fallout.

[Husband is tripping balls and the wife is fighting and yelling to him]

So stop asking yourself: “Am I really that kind of person?” And start asking your doctor [Husband is talking with a female doctor] about Cialis for three-ways. Besides, you never know, your doctor might be into it.

[Female doctor takes her glasses off and grabs husband’s hand seductively]

Men who are taking MAOI inhibitors or have to work the next day should not use Cialis for three-ways.

[Husband covers his wife’s eyes, female doctor covers husband’s eyes]

Do not use Cialis for three-ways if the other chick’s dude wants to be there, too. You just, I don’t know, you don’t want any part of that.

[Three toothbrushes in the bathroom]

Cialis for three-ways.

[Husband and wife ride a three-seat bicycle]

Your lucky day, just got luckier.

[The trio look at misty landscape of the ocean from their bathtubs.]

[Cialis for Three-Ways logo]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

What is Burn Notice?

Shelly Brick…..Jason Sudeikis
Lucy Madison…..Kristen Wiig
Carl Hubbly…..Will Forte
Ted Mitchell…..Ashton Kutcher
Judges…..Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan, Jenny Slate

[ open on game show set ]

Announcer: It’s time, once again, for the game show that has America asking the question:

Audience: [ as words appear on screen ] “WHAT!! IS!! BURN!! NOTICE!!”

[ game show host runs onstage ]

Shelly Brick: Hello, everyone! I’m your host, Shelly Brick, and welcome to “What is… Burn Notice”. Let’s meet our contestants. She’s an accountant from Phoenix: Lucy Madison; he’s a contractor from San Diego: Carl Hubbly; and he’s a chiropractor from Torrence: Ted Mitchell. Welcome, everybody. Well, the game is easy. All you have to do is tell me something — anything — that you know about the highly-rated USA Network television show “Burn Notice”. Here’s your first question: [ he reads dramatically from his card ] “What is “Burn Notice”?” [ Lucy chimes in ] Lucy?

Lucy Madison: Yeah, uh — “Burn Notice” is a show… about… uh, a handsome fireman?

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No, that is incorrect. Remember: it’s the eighth highest-rated show on cable. [ he shrugs ] But just what is “Burn Notice”? [ Carl chimes in ] Carl?

Carl Hubbly: It’s about a sexy doctor who can start fires with his mind.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: Very good try. Very good try, but no. No. It’s entering its fourth season. [ he holds up four fingers and waits ] People love it. [ he looks at his card ] “What is “Burn Notice”?” [ Ted chimes in ] Ted?

Ted Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I… know it’s on USA —

Shelly Brick: Mmm-hmm?

Ted Mitchell: And I know that characters are welcome there. Sooooo… it’s a show about… characters.

Shelly Brick: Can you be more specific?

Ted Mitchell: No.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: Sorry. I will remind you that “Burn Notice” is a highly popular program that the New York Post calls: [ reading ] “A lot of fun.” [ he smiles ] But what is it? Alright, let’s see if this visual clue is any help — it’s a commercial for “Burn Notice”. Take a look.

[ various clips of Miami, bikinis, “Everybody Wants You” soundtrack, etc. ]

[ the contestants are stumped ]

Shelly Brick: Anything? Who can tell me literally anything about this immensely popular television show? [ Lucy chimes in ] Yes?

Lucy Madison: Is it… a reality show…? About… sunglasses?

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No.

[ Carl chimes in ]

Carl Hubbly: Is it kind of like “NCIS”?

Shelly Brick: [ hopeful ] Okay — in what way?

Carl Hubbly: [ shaking his head ] I don’t know.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No… [ Ted chimes in ] Yes?

Ted Mitchell: I know! Uhhhh — this is what they play on TVs at Best Buy, to show how good the picture is!

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No. I mean — no. As I said before, it’s an actual show… with actual viewers… who follow it and realy care about it. [ Carl chimes in ] Yes?

Carl Hubbly: Is it about the detective team of Michael Burn and Chet Notice?

Shelly Brick: No — that’s not bad. Judges, is that right?

[ cut to the three judges, who shrug without interest ]

Shelly Brick: Yeah! Yeah, they got no idea! Okay, uh — alright! You know, I’m still looking for any tidbit… about “Burn Notice”. THe show the Detroit Free Press called: [ reading ] “Charmingly irreverent.” [ Ted chimes in ] Yes?

Ted Mitchell: Are they in Miami?

[ a dinger goes off ]

Shelly Brick: [ looking around, curiously ] Oh! Oh, my God. I’ve never heard that sound before. You know, I think that means you are CORRECT!! This is alright I — I do not know what happens next, but, uh, I think we’re going to a Speed Round, or something! Where, maybe, we’ll all find out once and for all:

Audience: [ as words appear on screen ] “WHAT!! IS!! BURN!! NOTICE!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

February 6th, 2010

Ashton Kutcher

Them Crooked Vultures

None

None

None


On the Record with Greta SusterenSummary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) discusses the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy with Karl Rove (Bobby Moynihan), Oliver North (Will Forte), Robert Gibbs (Bill Hader) and an Attractive Blonde Lady (Abby Elliott).

Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Karl Rove, Glenn Beck.

Montage

Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Ashton Kutcher tries to demonstrate his newfound maturity, but can’t resist the random awesomeness of a dog on a surfboard, dancing old ladies (Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad, Jenny Slate) and other temptations.

Gertrude’s WillSummary: Angel the pool boy (Ashton Kutcher) expects a big payoff after 110-year old Gertrude’s death, but only ends up with pool privileges and chlamydia.

Transcript

The ViewSummary: Barbara Walters (Nasim Pedrad) and her subservient co-hosts discuss the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, then rush through an interview with Mel Gibson (Ashton Kutcher).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselback, Mel Gibson.

Cialis for ThreewaysSummary: The male enhancement aid with room for one more.

Transcript

Slave BoySummary: Roman king (Will Forte) enjoys having grapes fed to him by his slave boy (Ashton Kutcher).

Them Crooked Vultures perform “Mind Eraser, No Chaser”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Liam, the teenager who just woke up (Andy Samberg), is insufficiently refreshed to perform a political commentary about the federal budget. Eliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) reads Valentine’s Day cards. Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) jokes about the European financial crisis. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) are insufficiently prepared to perform Valentine’s Day songs.

Recurring Characters: Eliot Spitzer, Jean K. Jean, Garth, Kat.

What is Burn Notice?Summary: The game show’s lone question yields confusing results from its contestants who have never seen the show.

Transcript

Access HollywoodSummary: Billy Bush (Ashton Kutcher) and Anne Hathaway (Abby Elliott) enjoy the endless spiel of Oscar nominations for Best Picture.

Recurring Characters: Billy Bush.

An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm EmanuelSummary: Rahm Emanuel (Andy Samberg) spews expletives in response to Sarah Palin’s response to his use of the word “retarded”.

Recurring Characters: Rahm Emanuel.

Transcript

Them Crooked Vultures perform “New Fang”

Crisis of ConformitySummary: Former punk rock bandmates (Fred Armisen, Ashton Kutcher, Dave Grohl, Bill Hader) reunite at the wedding of one of their daughters.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

TooterSummary: Ashton Kutcher promotes the electronic device that allows all his devoted though misguided fans to follow his every fart.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

An SNL Digital Short

Yuppie….Andy Samberg
Gypsy….Fred Armisen
Girlfriend….Jenny Slate
Psychiatrist….Jason Sudeikis
Wife….Kristen Wiig
Doctor….Bill Hader
Sergio….Jon Hamm

[Opens with a yuppie getting out of an elegant car, talking on the phone]

Yuppie: Uh-huh, yeah, no, I hear what you’re saying Bradley but if she wants to play in the big leagues, she’s going to have to get her hands dirty…

[Yuppie steps on artifact on the sidewalk, a homeless gypsy startles him]

Gypsy: You! You break the sacred talisman.

Yuppie: Maybe you shouldn’t left it lying in the street.

Gypsy: You pay me!

Yuppie: Kiss my ass.

[Gypsy chants gibberish, wind blows, sky darkens]

Gypsy: Sergio! I curse you.

Yuppie: Nice try, buddy. [on the phone] Anyways….[leaves]

[Gypsy gives a maniacal laughter. Cut to an office building, the yuppie is giving a business presentation to a bunch of executives]

Yuppie: Hi, guys. I know numbers are down but if you just apply this system I promise you we’re gonna see revenue sky-rocket. We’re gonna go….

[Winds blows and a shirtless man with a ponytail playing the saxophone bursts through the wall into the meeting, smoke arises, the old executives dig the sax player and dance with him, he shakes his hips while playing the sax.]

Yuppie: Guys, guys? Marcy? Steve?

[Sax guy whips head around]

Sergio: Sergio!

[cut to the yuppie’s apartment at night, romantic evening, he drinks with his girlfriend]

Girlfriend: So, he just came through the wall?

Yuppie: Yeah, it was crazy. There you go. [glass of wine] You look dazzling.

[They go for a kiss and the wind blows, it gets dark and Sergio explodes through the apartment wall, smoke arises, Sergio plays the saxophone while shaking his hips, the girlfriend gets up and joins Sergio dancing around. Sergio whips his head around]

Sergio: Sergio!

[cut to a shrink’s office, the yuppie lies down on the patient’s couch]

Yuppie: I know it sounds crazy but I’m starting to genuinely believe I’ve been cursed by a homeless man.

Psychiatrist: How do you mean?

Yuppie: I broke this trinket and now every time I feel a gust of wind this crazy, sexy sax-guy comes bursting through the wall.

Psychiatrist: So, this are daydreams?

Yuppie: No, I think its actually happening. [winds blows] Oh, no. Not again!

[Psychiatrist closes the window]

Psychiatrist: Oh, sorry. It was a little stuffy in here and I thought I give the window a crack.

Yuppie: [relieved] Oh, no problem.

Psychiatrist: So, where were we?

[Sergio bursts through the wall again. Smoke arises, he plays the sax and the girlfriend still dances around him, he shakes his hips, whips head around]

Sergio: Sergio!

[Yuppie runs in the streets mentally spent, he mumbles, finds the gypsy and gets down on his knees]

Yuppie: You! Please, you have to make it stop!

Gypsy: No! You made your choice. You would not pay!

[Yuppie pays the gypsy]

Yuppie: I’ll pay anything! Please, just lift up the curse!

Gypsy: All right. I will help you. Take this. [gives the little trinket] Mend it. Hang it over your bed. Keep it safe. It will protect you forever.

Yuppie: I will, I will. Thank you, thank you.

[Yuppie mends the trinket and puts it on a nail above his bed]

Caption: 5 years later

[Yuppie runs down a hospital hall with his pregnant wife on a wheelchair]

Yuppie: Hey, just hang on honey. You’re doing great.

Doctor: Nurse! Ready the birthing room!

[cut to the birthing room, wife is in labor]

Yuppie: That’s it. You’re doing great. Just hang in there. I love you.

Wife: I love you too. Oh, by the way, earlier today I accidently knocked your good luck trinket on the floor. [shows the trinket, wind blows] I didn’t know that it fell and I stepped on it really, really hard and I broke it. Sorry, don’t be mad…AAAAHHHH!!!! GOD!!!!

Doctor: Just stay calm and push.

Wife: OOOOHHHH!!!!

Doctor: Here it comes!

[Segio bursts out of the vagina covered in slimy afterbirth playing the sax, shaking his hips, smoke arises. Yuppie screams, wife screams, doctor screams, Sergio whips his head around]

Sergio: Sergio!

[screen goes black]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

State of the Union 2010

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: The following is an NBC Special Event: the Presidential State of the Union Address.

[ dissolve to interior, real footage mixed with sketch footage ]

[ President Barack Obama takes his podium to thunderous applause ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. Madame Speaker… Vice President Biden… members of Congress… distinguished guests… and fellow Americans. Five months ago… our nation lost one of its most honorable and courageous public servants — Sen. Edward Kennedy.

[ thunderous applause and a standing ovation ]

And… last week, in Massachusetts… we saw a special election… to fill his Senate seat. Now… that election… did not go my party’s way. [ a teasing smile to front for his annoyance ] So, naturally… all the pundits have their different theories… on what it all means. The fact is… no one knows. But there’s one thing we do know: Our nominee, Martha Coakley… was the single most incompetent candidate ever to seek public office in this nation’s history!

[ thunderous applause and a standing ovation ]

Shame on you, Martha Coakley! How do you not know that Curt Schilling pitched for the Red Sox? Martha Coakley, you are a disgrace! You couldn’t beat Dick Cheney for mayor of Berkeley! You deserved to lose, Martha! You deserved to lose. You stunk up the joint!

[ thunderous applause and several standing ovations ]

Thank you! Thank you!

Now, before we assess the state of our union today, let’s pause to recall where we stood when I assumed office just one year ago. Our nation mired in two wars… a collapsing stock market… an economy rocked by severe recession… and a government deeply in debt.

[ applause from the Democrats, no response from the Republicans ]

But that’s not all. Last January 20th, when Michelle and I first entered the White House, we were absolutely horrified at what we found: Dishes piled high in the sink —

[ dour reactions from a group of Republicans ]

Sheets that hadn’t been washed in months, perhaps years —

[ dour reactions from a larger group of Republicans ]

Floors littered with candy wrappers and dust bunnies… and a fridge filled with food long past its expiration date!

[ confused reaction from Sen. John McCain ]

The cable bill had not been paid since the Clinton administration, and service had been turned off years ago. Late fees alone ran into the hundreds of dollars!

[ Supreme Court Judge Alito shakes his head ]

Also — and I want to put this as delicately as I can — according to staff familiar with the furnishings… things were missing.

[ a sour reaction from a senator ]

But, of all the legacies left by my predecessor, none was as damaging as a jobless rate of nearly 15%!

[ dour reactions from a larger group of Republicans ] Putting Americans back to work has, therefore, been my administration’s top priority… and it will be until every American who wants a job has one!

[ thunderous applause and a standing ovation ]

Thank you.

Here are three jobs that, as of noon today, were still available:

[ reading from cards ] Teezak Bros. Roofing in Hinsdale, Illinois, has an opening for a part-time bookkeeper. Contact Bob or Andy Teezak at 1-800-555-0199.

[ no reaction from military generals in the crowd ]

Mike’s Burger World on Route 7 in Bellevue, Washington is looking for kitchen staff. Applicants must be available nights and weekends, and willing to wear a hairnet.

And… Local 507 of the carpenters union has a position available for construction on the new Hudson County Courthouse in Jersey City, New Jersey. Starting wage is $45 an hour. And, like most jobs on this project, it’s a no-show job. You can stay home all day!

[ thunderous applause, and a standing ovation ]

[ from sonewhere in the crowd, Brendan Fraser laughs and gives a lop-sided clap ]

So… that’s three jobs right there.

Annnnd — and that’s not all. In the months ahead, I plan to ask Congress for legislation ending the ban on gays in the military.

[ thunderous applause, except from the military generals ]

This, in itself, will create 30,000 jobs in our Armed Forces — as well as two new series on BRAVO.

[ thunderous applause ]

Also, there’s health care reform. To be honest, at this point, I could go either way on that. If you want it, pass it. Whatever. I’ll sign it. It’s your call. I really don’t care any more.

Thank you! God bless you! And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Jon Hamm’s Monologue

….Jon Hamm
Trevor…..Andy Samberg
Student…..Abby Elliott
Saleswoman…..Kristen Wiig
Jam Announcer……Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Hamm!

Jon Hamm: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow!

[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]

Jon Hamm: It’s always been a dream of mine to host “SNL”. And that dream came true last year when I did it. So… honestly this time, it’s just for the paycheck. Now some of you may know me from the AMC show “Mad Men”.

[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]

Jon Hamm: A lot of guys come up to me and say they totally identify with Don Draper, which I’m pretty sure means they want to cheat on their wife. Um… but so many people identify me with that character that they don’t realize I’ve been acting a long time. Um, in fact, before I was cast as the mysterious and debonair Don Draper, I did a bunch of stuff. For example, in the early 90’s, I had a guest spot on the teen sitcom “Late for Class”. I played the new kid at school — Bonzo. Uh, I think we have a clip of it. Check it out…

[ The music and graphic for “Late for Class”. ]

[ TREVOR and a STUDENT stand in front of hall lockers. ]

Trevor: Oh no! I forgot about the quiz!

Student: You better not cheat of me, Trevor!

Trevor: Hey Bonzo! Did you hear? We have a quiz in geography!!

[ BONZO is dressed exactly like Don Draper from “Mad Men”. ]

Jon Hamm: Lower your voice. Show a little respect! You panic every time there’s a quiz, as if it matters.

[ Trevor and the female student stare at Bonzo dumbfounded. ]

Jon Hamm: You go through life. Like a cockroach in the dirt. You people make me sick!

[ Bonzo exits. ]

Trevor: Bonzo’s crazy!

[ The female student gazes lustfully. ]

Student: Crazy hot.

[ The music and graphic for “Late for Class”. ]

[ Jon’s a bit exasperated as his feet glide onto home base from the quick costume change. ]

Jon Hamm: Bonzo died that episode. He was there to teach those kids about bike safety. But that was actually one of my better gigs. At one point, I had to do QVC. I think we have that, too?

[ QVC logo and music. ]

[ A SALESWOMAN dressed in earth toned clothing holds numerous turquoise necklaces. A table displaying the jewelry’s in front of her. ]

Saleswoman: Can you believe this? This is genuine turquoise from MAY-HEE-CO. That’s Mexico, people!

[ The saleswoman laughs hysterically. ]

[ Jon Hamm, dressed again as Draper, comes in. ]

Jon Hamm: Calm down!!! You’re hysterical.

Saleswoman: What?

Jon Hamm: Sometimes I feel like I’m selling jewelry with a little girl.

Saleswoman: But it’s genuine Mexican silver. It comes in a clasp and a ring and a –-

[ Not facing her, Jon slaps the woman across the face and departs. ]

Saleswoman: Wait! I’m sorry!

[ The saleswoman extends her hand. ]

Saleswoman: I love you!!

[ The saleswoman hastily picks up jewelry on the display table and holds it high. ]

Saleswoman: I love you!!

[ Jon’s back at home base. ]

Jon Hamm: I actually had sex with that woman. You know, being a working actor is a bumpy road. But sometimes you catch a break — like when I got to do stand-up on Def Comedy Jam.

[ Footage of an emcee introducing the next act to the audience from Russell Simmons’ Def Comedy Jam. ]

Announcer (V/O): All right! Put ya hands together. For my boy — Jon Hamm!!

[ Jon’s smoking a cigarette and holding a glass of whiskey. ]

Jon Hamm: Have you seen them? You know what I’m talking about? Those roundaway girls. With them big booties? And the stink!? Deez need to wash they ass!

[ Def Jam audience goes wild. ]

[ Jon’s back at home base. ]

Jon Hamm: And that’s how I got “Mad Men”. All right, we have a great show. Michael Buble’ is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts