Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Potato Chip Thief

Mr. Greenblatt…..Will Forte
Mr. Aymong…..Jason Sudeikis
Janelley…..Blake Lively

INTRO FROM EXTERIOR TO THE INSIDE OF AN OFFICE. YOU CAN SEE THE NASA COMPLEX THROUGH THE WINDOW IN BEHIND THE DESK.

Mr. Greenblatt: (Very friendly) On behalf of NASA I want to give you the warmest of welcomes.

Mr. Aymong: (A very gruff voice) Well, I thank you kindly, sir, for this opportunity. I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to be an astronaut!

Mr. Greenblatt: Well, soon enough we will see if your dreams will become a reality here at the NASA space program. Now, wait here, I’m gonna go get my NASA astronaut space test. It’s in the fridge. But before I go, I’m gonna ask that you don’t take any of these potato chips here (gestures to the bowl) because I’m super hungry, so I’m gonna go into the other room and I’m going to expect you to not touch any of those potato chips. (says potato in a funny pronunciation)

Mr. Aymong: (confidently) Your potato chips are safe in my presence!

Mr. Greenblatt: I thank you, sir.

[ Mr. Greenblatt gets up and scuttles to the door and leaves the office. Mr. Aymong begins to stare at the bowl of chips. He takes his hand and makes his fingers walk in a funny maner to the bowl. He pulls the bowl closer to himself. He grabs a chip and quickly puts it in his mouth. He chews rapidly and slides the bowl back to where it was. He dusts off his jacket and Mr. Greenblatt enters the office again. ]

Mr. Greenblatt: Well, I got that space test right…

[ Mr. Greenblatt stops mid sentence and stares at the bowl of chips on the desk. He quickly scuttles towards it and begins thumbing through the bowl counting quickly under his breath. ]

Mr. Greenblatt: Thirty four. (stares at Mr. Aymong as he sits down.) Thirty four! (yells to get Janelley’s attention) JANELLEY! Could you come in here, please!

[ Janelley enters the office and approaches Mr. Greenblatt. ]

Janelley: (In a quivery quiet voice) Yes, Mr. Greenblatt?

Mr. Greenblatt: Janelda, how many potato chips did you put in there today?

Janelley: Thirty five.

Mr. Greenblatt: (with conviction) I thought so. I thought so! Janelley, what would you say if I told you that that man right there is nothing but a common potato chip thief!

Janelley: (In an overdone scream of horror) AHHHHHHH! POTATO CHIP THIIIIIEEEEFFFFF!!!!

Mr. Aymong: (shocked) WHAT?!

Mr. Greenblatt: You have NO right!

Janelley: NO RIGHT!

Mr. Aymong: I did not come here to have my reputation asassinated!

Mr. Greenblatt: Then you shouldn’t have taken that potato chip!

Janelley: (Yells in support of Mr. Greenblatt to Mr. Aymong) You dont take people’s potato chips!!

Mr. Aymong: But I did nothing of the sort!

Mr. Greenblatt: (very seriously) That is between you and YOUR GOD! Now get the HELL outta HERE!

Mr. Aymong: I’m not going nowhere until I am an astronaut!

Mr. Greenblatt: (yelling louder than before) Well I got news for you! You are BlACKLISTED!

Mr. Aymong: (puzzled) Blacklisted?!

Janelley: (Screams) BLACKLISTED!

Mr. Aymong: (stiffly without moving) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Greenblatt: You will never be an astronaut!

Janelley: (yells) You don’t take people’s potato chips!!

Mr. Greenblatt: you will never stroll the moon in a puffy suit!

Mr. Aymong: (horrified) Don’t say it!!

Mr. Greenblatt: You will never drink Tang!

Mr. Aymong: Take it back!

Mr. Greenblatt: You will never pee in the absence of gravity!

Janelley: (In a stern voice) You don’t take people’s potato chips!

Mr. Aymong: (in protest) But I didn’t take that chip!

Mr. Greenblatt: (Gets up from his chair and points at Mr. Aymong) You sir are a LIAR!

Mr. Aymong: (stands up as well and yells with conviction) I AM NOT A LIAR!!

Mr. Greenblatt: (while climbing up onto the top of his desk) LIAR! (Janelley chimes in at the same time while putting her hands in Mr. Aymong’s face) LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!

Mr. Aymong: I am not! Please stop!!

Mr. Greenblatt: (Yelling very irately) ADMIT THAT YOU TOOK IT!!

Mr. Aymong: But I didn’t!

Mr. Greenblatt: (Becoming increasingly agitated) LIAR! ADMIT IT!

Mr. Aymong: (yells) BUT I DIDN’T!

Mr. Greenblatt: (at the climax of his anger) Be a man for the first time in your life! Admit to me that you took that potato chip! You liar! Open your mouth! Admit it!!!

Mr. Aymong: (with a broken spirit, he begins to cry) I took it. I took it! I took the potato chip!

[ Mr. Aymong sits back down with his hand on his face and is crying. ]

Mr. Aymong: (crying) Oh God! What have I done?! Oh God!!

Mr. Greenblatt: (smugly sits back down and talks in a confident maner) I knew it. (nods his head) I knew it.

Janelley: (approaches Mr. Aymong and says in a quiet but scalding voice) You don’t take people’s potato chips! (she walks back to where she was standing and stares at Mr. Aymong) You don’t take people’s potato chips!

Mr. Aymong: (crying) How can I make this right?

Mr. Greenblatt: (holds out his hand to Mr. Aymong) I believe you have something of mine.

[ Mr. Aymong stares at Mr. Greenblatt for a second. He then starts to make gagging noises with his mouth closed for a second or two. He then leans in towards Mr. Greenblat’s hand and vomits the remnants of the chip into Mr. Greenblatt’s palm. He sits back down. ]

[ Mr. Greenblatt stares intensly at Mr. Aymong then looks at his hand with the vomit in it. ]

Mr. Greenblatt: (proud) Welcome back.

Mr. Aymong: (starts to cheer up) Do you mean it?!

Mr. Greenblatt: (annoyed) I was talking to the potato chip!

[ Mr. Greenblat dumps the vomit into the bowl of chips. ]

Mr. Greenblatt: Thirty five! Janelda could you please show Mr. Aymong the door?

Janelley: (disgusted) Trash like that can show itself the door!

Mr. Aymong: (clears his throat) Well, this certainly did not end the way I had imagined it in my undry dreams. [ he starts to get up. ] So I will collect my hemorrhoid donut (picks it up from the chair) and bid you adieu!

[ He walks to the door and leaves the office. ]

Janelley: (very curiously) Mr. Greenblatt, why do people do things like that?

[ Mr. Greenblatt stands up and stares into the camera with conviction in his eyes. ]

Mr. Greenblatt: (With conviction) Because they’re hungry, Janelley. Because they’re hungry.

[ Mr. Greenblatt and Janelley are staring towards the camera. We see Mr. Aymong standing outside the office window staring in at them with his hemorrhoid donut firmly in his arm. ]

Fade Out

Submitted by: Matt Casey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

White House Crashers

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Tareq Salahi…..Bobby Moynihan
Michaele Salahi…..Kristen Wiig
Secret Service Agents…..Bill Hader, Will Forte, Nasim Pedrad
Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, Lehigh Carbon Community College ]

[ SUPER: “Allentown, Pennsylvania – Friday December 4th” ]

President Barack Obama V/O: Good afternoon. And thank you! It’s good to be back in Pennsylvania!

[ dissolve to Obama behind a podium inside the college ]

President Barack Obama: Uh — I am grateful to have the opportunity, to speak to you today, about our economy. And I’m also grateful for the chance to get away from Washington, and its many distractions.

[ suddenly, Tareq and Michaele Salahi wander onto the stage and crash the speech ]

President Barack Obama: I just came from Allentown Metalworks, where I had the chance to visit with workers there. And, like so many others across America, these workers have been doing the very best they can, to stay afloat, in a brutal recession that has hit folks like them, hardest of all.

[ the Salahis post behind Obama, until, finally, Tareq takes out a camera and snaps Michaele’s picture as she leans against Obama’s backside ]

President Barack Obama: So! As we come to the end of this very tough year, I want to do something I haven’t had a chance to do, that often, during my first year in office.

[ Tareq and Michaele switch positions, as she snaps his picture while flexing an arm muscle behind Obama ]

President Barack Obama: And that is, to share some modestly encouraging news, on our economy. Today, the Labor Department released its monthly employment survey, and reported that the nation lost 11,000 jobs in November.

[ a Secret Service Agent enters the background, advising the Salahis to come forward but then he backs off ]

President Barack Obama: Which was about 115,000 fewer, than was forecast, and is about close to zero, from the perspective, of our overall economy.

[ a second Secret Service Agent enters with the first, demanding that he remove the Salahis from the stage ]

President Barack Obama: The unemployment rate ticked down, instead of up.

[ the first Secret Service Agent approaches the Salahis, then hands the camera over to the second Secret Service Agent and joins the Salahis for a candid photo ]

President Barack Obama: The report also found that we lost about 160,000 fewer jobs over the last two months, than previously thought. So, overall, this is the best jobs report that we’ve seen, since 2007. This is good news, just in time, for the season of hope.

[ the Salahis motion for the Secret Service Agents to switch position, as the first agent takes the camera and the second agent poses for the next photo with the Salahis ]

President Barack Obama: But, I do want to keep this in perspective. We’ve still got a long way to go. I consider one job, lost, one too many. And, as I said yesterday at a jobs conference in Washington, good trends don’t pay the rent

[ the Secret Service Agents exit the stage, as Tareq Salahi amuses himself and his wife by waving his hand up and down and changing the expression on his face ]

President Barack Obama: We’ve got to actually grow jobs, and get America, back to work, as quickly as we can.

[ a female Secret Service Agent enters with the first agent, holding up pictures of the Salahis with the word “NO” on them. He approaches the Salahis and walks them off stage. ]

President Barack Obama: Now, the journey from here, will not be without setbacks, or struggles. There may be gyrations in the months ahead. There are going to be some months, where the reports are worse.

[ the Salahis re-enter, wearing fake moustaches ]

President Barack Obama: But the trend line right now, is good. The direction is clear. When you think about, how this year began, even before I was sworn in, and we were losing 700,000 jobs a month. A month!

[ the Secret Service Agents re-appear, demanding that the Salahis come forward. Instead, they call Vice-President Joseph Biden up to the stage, who happily runs up to have his picture taken with them. ]

President Barack Obama: There are better days ahead. From the moment I was sworn into office, I began taking a number of difficult steps, to end this economic crisis. I did that, because they were necessary, to save our country from even greater catastrophe. We also took steps to unlock our frozen credit markets, so average Americans, could get the loans they needed, to buy a home, or a car, to go to college, or start a small business. We enacted measures —

[ Michaele Salahi taps Obama on the shoulder. He turns, surprised to see all these people standing on the stage behind him. She hands the camera to him as a personal favor. ]

President Barack Obama: Do you want me in it?

Michaele Salahi: Oh, no, no, no. Just take it.

President Barack Obama: Oh.

Michaele Salahi: Just take it, yeah.

[ they all make a crazy pose, as Obama snaps the picture ]

Michaele Salahi: Thank you.

[ Obama returns to face his audience ]

President Barack Obama: So… here’s the bottom line. I know that, times are tough —

[ the group looks at their photo, unsatisfied, so Michaele Salahi taps Obama’s shoulder again ]

Michaele Salahi: Just the head this time?

[ Obama snaps the picture a second time ]

Michaele Salahi: Thank you so much!

[ the crowd is excited at the results, and wander off the stage ]

President Barack Obama: I won’t rest until, things get better. And, in the spirit of that promise, I would just like to say:

[ Tareq and Michaele Salahi rush back on stage to share the moment with Obama ]

Together: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Blake Lively’s Monologue

…..Blake Lively
Zoot…..Fred Armisen
Animal…..Bill Hader
Swedish Chef…..Andy Samberg
Janice…..Jenny Slate
Fozzie…..Jason Sudeikis
Beaker…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Blake Lively!

Blake Lively: Thank you so much! Thank you very much! It’s great to behere hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I love New York this time of year;there’s nothing like Christmas in the city. Today is the first day issnowed — so that’s why I wore my winter clothes.

[ Blake showcases her sexy short, strapless red satin dress to theaudience, who in turn, take a hearty laugh. ]

Blake Lively: It’s so exciting being here this week at 30 RockefellerCenter because they just had the Annual Tree Lighting. You can see itright out the window! In fact, let’s take a look at the tree right now…

[ CUT TO: LIVE ROOFTOP FEED ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE OUTSIDE 30 ROCK ]

Blake Lively: It’s beautiful! After the tree lighting ceremony, we went toa party. Aretha Franklin was there, Mayor Bloomberg? and I met the Muppets!

[ A couple members of the audience cheer. ]

Blake Lively: Oh yeah! Do they know how to party! The next day, Fozzie andGonzo sent me a series of inappropriate text messages. Word of advice –if you?re at a club at four in the morning, don?t give your number to a Muppet.

[ The Swedish Chef slides onto Home Base. ]

Swedish Chef: Bork, bork!”

Blake Lively: Oh? great! Hey, Swedish Chef!

[ Swedish Chef mutters gibberish. ]

Blake Lively: Yes, I got your text.

[ Swedish Chef mutters more gibberish. ]

Blake Lively: Yeah, I got the photo too. It took me a while to figure outwhat the photo was.

[ Swedish Chef laughs. Blake gives an uncomfortable laugh afterwards andstarts pushing him away. ]

Blake Lively: Yeah, it was great to see you again, but I really have toget going with the show now.

[ Swedish Chef stops Blake for a moment and delivers more gibberish. She sighs. ]

Blake Lively: Okay — you can tell one joke.

[ Swedish Chef delivers his gibberish. Blake rolls her eyes. ]

Blake Lively: Who?s there?

[ Swedish Chef garbles the same words. ]

Blake Lively: Smorgi Borg Who?

[ Swedish Chef utters a play on the words he’s been saying all along. ]

Blake Lively: That’s filthy!

[ Swedish Chef signals to the Blake?s stage right. ]

Fozzie: Wocka Wocka!

[ Fozzie, Beaker, Gonzo, and Animal come onto Home Base. ]

Gonzo: Why don’t we kick off the holiday season with a holiday song?

Blake Lively: I don’t know if we have time, guys.

[ Swedish Chef starts warbling to “White Christmas” in his dialect. ]

Blake Lively: No. Stop — please.

Fozzie: She’s right! We can?t get the rights to that!

[ Beaker starts “meeping” out of nervousness. Animal starts screaming forthe sake of it. ]

Blake Lively: Can you just pick a song and so we can get on with the show?

Gonzo: I get it! You don’t want us up here!

Fozzie: You may be pretty in person on the outside, but in the end, we’reall just the same on the inside — we all have a giant hand shoved up ourkeister to make us talk and move around!

Blake Lively: You’re the only ones who have that.

[ The Muppets faces turn from confidence to sad reality. ]

Fozzie: Wocka.

[ Fozzie takes a beat to ponder and hangs his head. ]

Fozzie: Wocka.

Gonzo: Come on guys! She doesn?t like us.

[ The Muppets make their way off Home Base. Blake drops her shoulders and sighs. ]

Blake Lively: No guys — wait. I’m sorry.

[ The Muppets stop and start to turn back to Home Base. ]

Blake Lively: In fact, I know one we can sing.

Gonzo: Really!? You mean it!?

Blake Lively: Yeah? why not? Swedish Chef?

[ Swedish Chef delivers his signature gibberish and looks up. Snow starts to fall. ]

Blake Lively: You got me snow!

[ Swedish Chef gibbers some more. Zoot and Janice appear next to him andbeing playing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”. ]

All: [singing]
“Hark the Herald Angels Sing”

[ Animal screams the GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING lyric in screams. ]

All: [singing]
“Peace on Earth and mercy mild”

[ Swedish Chef gibbers the GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED lyric. ]

Beaker: [singing]
“Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With the angelic host proclaim:
Christ is born in Bethlehem”

[ Beaker “meeps” the last two sentences. Swedish Chef leads everyone tosing GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING in his gibberish. ]

Blake Lively: We have a great show! Rihanna is here!

[ Animal creeps up behind Blake and screams. She’s startled. ]

Blake Lively: So stick around! We?ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Late Night with Chris Hansen

Tony Blaze…..Fred Armisen
Chris Hansen…..Bill Hader
Phillip Seymour Hoffman…..Jason Sudeikis
Keanu Reeves…..Andy Samberg
Cher…..Blake Lively
Guards…..Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan

[ open on MSNBC logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching MSNBC. It’s kind of like NBC, but with MS.

[ dissolve to still photos of Chris Hansen in action ]

Announcer: Up next: You’ve seen him grill suspects on “To Catch A Predator”, and “To Catch A Predator Raw”. Now stay tuned for the brand new series from Chris Hansen.

[ dissolve to talk show set, with Latin-flavored theme music ]

Tony Blaze: From MSNBC Studios on New York, it is “Late Night with Chris Hansen”! Tonight, Chris welcomes: actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman! Actor/activist Keanu Reeves! Music legend and pop culture mainstay Cher! And me! I am Tony Blaze! and, without further ado, let’s welcome our first guest: Phillip Seymour Hoffman!

[ Phillip Seymour Hoffman enters the set, where no host awaits him. Confused, Hoffman looks around, then finally takes a seat on the couch. He glances at a plate of cookies on the desk, and casually grabs one, as Chris Hansen steadfastly enters the set. ]

Chris Hansen: Can I get you a glass of milk?

[ surprised by the invasion, Hoffman gets up to leave ]

Chris Hansen: No, no, no, no! Sit down! [ Hoffman sits ] I just want to talk. You and I are gonna talk.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ confused ] Yeah, yeah — sure, that’s fine, you know —

Chris Hansen: Let me ask you something.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah?

Chris Hansen: What are you doing here?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: I just came here to be on the show, you know, to talk…

Chris Hansen: You came here to talk?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. Well, it’s a talk show, you know, so…

Chris Hansen: You thought you were gonna plug a movie?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Well, I, uh — uh — uh —

Chris Hansen: I have an e-mail here between you and my producer: “Please make sure Chris mentions my new movie, “Pirate Radio”.” Did you write that?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. Uh — uh — “Pirate Radio” is a new movie I have out, and —

Chris Hansen: So you admit that you came here to plug a movie?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ stunned ] Look — [ boom mike men swarm over him ] Uh — uh, I think there’s been a mistake.

Chris Hansen: Ohhhh, a “mistake”?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. I — I think I’m gonna go. [ he struggles to his feet with a groan ]

Chris Hansen: So, go.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ turns to glance at Hansen ] Thanks for having me on.

Guards: GO!! GET HIM!! GO!!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Whoa! What is this?!

[ Hoffman is tackled into off-screen ]

Chris Hansen: Tony Blaze. Can you believe that guy?

Tony Blaze: Hey, Chris, man! You’re pretty crazy!

Chris Hansen: Who do we have next?

Tony Blaze: Our next guest is GREAT!! Please welcome Keanuuuu Reeves!

[ Keanu Reeves enters the once-again empty set ]

[ an alternate camera angle reveals that Chris Hansen is crouched behind the desk waiting in ambush ]

Keanu Reeves: Hello? [ he sits on the couch and places a bag he’s carrying onto the desk ] Is anyone here?

[ Chris Hansen jumps up ]

Chris Hansen: Hey-ey!

Keanu Reeves: [ startled ] Oh! Hey…

Chris Hansen: You seem surprised. Were you expecting someone else?

Keanu Reeves: No! It’s just… you were hiding.

Chris Hansen: Mind telling me what’s in the bag?

[ Reeves shrugs as Hansen searches the bag ]

Chris Hansen: Condoms… and a Smirnoff raspberry. What do you think was gonna happen here today?

Keanu Reeves: [ shaking his head, confused ] What? Some guy backstage said I had to bring this out!

Chris Hansen: Do you think those are appropriate things to being to an interview?

Keanu Reeves: No! I don’t! That’s what I told that guy! What’s going on?

Chris Hansen: What were you planning on doing here today?

Keanu Reeves: I don’t know! Talk to you… maybe talk to Tony Blaze…

[ Tony Blaze smiles innocently ]

Keanu Reeves: Look, I-I think there’s been a mistake! I’m gonna go! [ he rises ]

Chris Hansen: Be my guest!

[ Reeves starts to walk away, then stops ]

Keanu Reeves: Wait. Am I gonna get tackled when I leave?

[ cut to the guards staring intently from off-screen ]

Chris Hansen: I don’t know!

[ Reeves shrugs, then faces the guards ]

Keanu Reeves: No, no, no!

Guards: GO GET HIM!! GO!! GO!!

[ Reeves is tackled by the guards ]

Keanu Reeves: OH!! BOGUS!!

Chris Hansen: Keanu Reeves, everyone.

Tony Blaze: So, Chris, man — if people just show up to some place… what kind of crime have they committed? You know?

Chris Hansen: They’ll have plenty of time to think about that BEHIND BARS!!

Tony Blaze: Sooo, you’re putting them in some kind of… jail?

Chris Hansen: Our NEXT guest is just coming off a sold-out series of performances at Caesar’s Palace. Please welcome — Cher!

[ cut to Cher, singing “Believe” ]

Cher: “Do you believe in love after lo–“

[ the guards tackle Cher to the ground ]

Tony Blaze: Not Cher! Come on, Chris Hansen!

Chris Hansen: That’s the show, thanks for joining us. Tony Blaze! Blaze out!

Tony Blaze: This is a bad show, man. [ to his band ] Hit it!

[ the band plays out, as Hansen sips the Smirnoff raspberry and clears his head of the night’s conquests ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Goodnights

…..Blake Lively

Blake Lively: Thanks to Rihanna! Young Jeezy! The wonderful cast! Lorne Michaels! Steve and ??, for getting out of work this week to be here! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament 1989

Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Donna Saint Louis…..Kristen Wiig
Michelle Rayburn-Gene…..Blake Lively

[ open on ESPN Classic logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic. Come on, man… go talk to your wife and kids!

Pete Twinkle V/O: If you’re looking for hard rolling, lady bowling action — you’re in the right place! It’s the Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament! And today’s match-up is one for the ages! Featuring Donna Saint Louis! And rookie sensation “The Jackhammer”: Michelle Rayburn-Gene!

[ dissolve to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]

Pete Twinkle: Good evening! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and, boy oh boy, can this guy make one HELL of a pulled pork sandwich — Greg Stink!

Greg Stink: [ nasally ] Ah, thanks, Pete! It’s our fifth anniversary in the booth, and I got a present for ya’ — it’s a bracelet! — I’ll give it to ya’ later, it’s in my duffle!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Well, that’s real sweet of ya’! Why don’t we meet tonight’s players?

[ reveal Donna Saint Louis squeezing her fingers together ]

Pete Twinkle: Up first, we’ve got Donna Saint Louis! Now, Greg, correct me if I’m wrong, but, uh, hasn’t Donna been undefeated since mid-April?

Greg Stink: [ smiling like a jackass ] Haw haw, I don’t know!

Pete Twinkle: Okay, well, she has.

Greg Stink: Oh, good!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] But “The Jackhammer”, Michelle Rayburn-Gene, has taken the lead by storm!

[ reveal Michelle Rayburn-Gene spraying her hair and squatting ]

Pete Twinkle: Look at this! Movie star looks with an arm that cooks! And there’s a clever use of the hair dryer right there. Now, Greg, she got the nickname “The Jackhammer” because she throws the ball so gosh-darn hard! Have you ever seen someone so young throw so hard?

Greg Stink: Oh, I suuuure have!

Pete Twinkle: Well, do you remember any names, or specifics as to where?

Greg Stink: Come to think about it, I’m not sure! I’m gonna retract that statement! I’m NOT sure if I’ve seen someone throw that hard!

Pete Twinkle: Oh, alright! Well, don’t beat yourself up about it!

Greg Stink: Well, if I remember it, Il’l let ya’ know!

Pete Twinkle: Okay, you just keep us posted, buddy! [ he laughs ] A little SHOUT-OUT to our sponsor! Vagisil! When you get a surprise, between your thighs — Vagisil! Now, Greg, let me ask you something: How does a lady bowler get to this point?

Greg Stink: Well, if they don’t bathe enough… if they wear the same bowling pants over and over again, genetics —

Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, Greg, I’m sorry, that’s my fault! That’s my fault. I, uh — I wasn’t about why someone would need to use a great product like Vagisil! I meant, how does someone become a professional bowler?

Greg Stink: Aw, NO IDEA!! [ he laughs ] Probably a long process…

Pete Twinkle: Hmm, yeah, I bet that’s true! [ he laughs ] Alright! Vagisil! When dryness lingers, get some cream on those fingers! Vagisiiiil! Okay, it looks like Donna Saint Louis is up first!

[ cut to Donna throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]

Pete Twinkle: Here she rolls — oh, look at that form! Great form! There’s the ball… [ she rolls a strike ] OH! And it’s a STRIKE!! Look at that! How about that, Greg! What a start, huh!

Greg Stink: Pete, she’s gotta be careful here —

Pete Twinkle: Oh, Greg, now why is that?

Greg Stink: Well, two more strikes and she is OUT of there!

Pete Twinkle: No, no, no… Now, hold on, Greg. I — you know, I think you’re thinking about baseball.

[ he laughs loudly ] Yeah, you’re probably right! I DO NOT know this game! It is an ABSOLUTE mystery to me!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Well, one thing that’s not a mystery is the quality of Vagisil! VAGISIL!! I scream, you scream… we ALL scream for vagina cream! [ extended beat ] VAG-I-SIL!! Let’s get back to the game! “The Jackhammer” is up!

[ cut to Michelle throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]

Pete Twinkle: Alright, here she comes… tiny steps. Look at that big throw. There it is! Anything can happen…

[ gutter ball ]

Pete Twinkle: Ohhhh, no! Oh, not the outcome she was looking for…

[ furious, Michelle grabs a bowling ball and throws it across the air ]

Pete Twinkle: And this is where the TEMPER comes out!!

[ the bowling bowl bounces across the guys’ booth ]

Pete Twinkle: OKAY!! HOLEY MOLEY!! [ laughing ] Ho-ho-ho! EVERYBODY’S getting involved tonight!

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] What was that!

Pete Twinkle: Wha–? That was a — that was a BALL, Greg!

Greg Stink: Oh, I thought it was a bird!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] What! What are you watching, buddy?

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] I don’t know!

Pete Twinkle: Now, Greg, how does she get out of this mess?

Greg Stink: Well, I think the instructions are on the back of the tube —

Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, no, no! No, Greg! Greg, I’m sorry about that! I was talking about the, uh, SPARE! You know — how should a rookie deal with this on her second roll?

Greg Stink: OH! She gets a second roll!

Pete Twinkle: Ho, man! Greg Stink — best color man in the biz! Alright, let’s go back down on the floor and see if she can’t pick up that spare!

[ return to Michelle throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]

Pete Twinkle: “The Jackhammer” has a very unique toss in this type of situation. There it is, the windmill! And giving baby to what looks like a… A SPARE!! She got it!! Celebrating with her signature Jackhammer Shuffle! Look at that! Ho-ho-ho, man! The crowd loves it! Absolutely wonderful! You ever seen that before?

Greg Stink: Now, how much longer is this gonna take?

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Why, Greg? You gotta be somewhere?

Greg Stink: Yeah! Saturday morning, like every cartoon in the book is on!

Pete Twinkle: Ha! Greg, I’ve always wanted to ask you something: What’s the highest level of education you’ve completed?

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] I’ll never tell! My lips are sealed!

Pete Twinkle: Oh. yeah? Speaking of sealed lips — VAGISIL!! We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

December 5th, 2009

Blake Lively

Rihanna

None

None

None

White House CrashersSummary: While President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) delivers a speech in Allentown, Pennsylvania, Tareq (Bobby Moynihan) and Michaele Salahi (Kristen Wiig) pose for pictures in the background.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joseph Biden.

Transcript

Montage

Blake Lively’s MonologueSummary: Blake Lively sings Christmas carols with Muppets Animal (Bill Hader), Gonzo (Bobby Moynihan), Beaker (Kristen Wiig), Fozzie Bear (Jason Sudeikis), Swedish Chef (Andy Samber), Zoot (Fred Armisen), and Janice (Jenny Slate).

Recurring Characters: Swedish Chef, Animal, Beaker, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Zoot.

Transcript

Carter N’ Sons BBQSummary: In a commercial filmed years earlier, Ronnie Carter (Bobby Moynihan) and his clan promote Swine Fever with their all you can eat pork special.

Note: Repeat from 09e.

Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament 1989Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the veginal cream sponsorship flowing in lieu of focusing on bowling match between Donna Saint Louis (Kristen Wiig) and Michelle Rayburn-Gene (Blake Lively).

Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.

Transcript

The Situation RoomSummary: Tiger Woods (Kenan Thompson) apologizes for his transgressions, while his wife (Blake Lively) repeatedly beats him up off-camera.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Tiger Woods.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Rihanna performs a duet with “Shy Ronnie” (Andy Samberg).

Transcript

Gossip Girl: Staten IslandSummary: It’s a whole other world for Chandelier Martini (Blake Lively) and the gang on the other side of the ferry.

Kickspit Underground Rock FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground rock festival that features viruses, pitchforks and the late Ass Dan.

Note: This sketch finally airs after being cut from the dress rehearsals of a couple of earlier episodes from this season.

Transcript

Rihanna performs “Russian Roulette”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson) mumbledly-jumbledly explains his new hip-hop album. Brittany Murphy (Abby Elliott) wanders behind the desk with the mistaken belief that she’s hosting tonight’s show.

Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.

Note: The Brittany Murphy commentary is cut from repeats following her unexpected death two weeks after this episode aired.

Skirt ShoppingSummary: Virginiaca Hastings (Kenan Thompson) takes her stepdaughter (Blake Lively) skirt shopping.

Recurring Characters: Virginiaca Hastings.

Transcript

UPS ISummary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) declares that he’s a man in a lady’s wig and UPS’s gift to the world.

Transcript

Late Night with Chris HansenSummary: Having captured his share of online predators, Chris Hansen (Bill Hader) now surprises unsuspecting celebrity guests on the set of his own late night talk show.

Recurring Characters: Cher, Keanu Reeves, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Transcript

UPS IISummary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) plans on making more commercials for UPS, and having sex with stick figure ladies.

Transcript

Rihanna with Young Jeezy performs “Hard”

Potato Chip ThiefSummary: Mr. Aymong (Jason Sudeikis) applies for a job as a NASA scientist, but blows his chances when he swipes one of Mr. Greenblatt’s (Will Forte) 35 potato chips and lies about it.

Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Taylor Swift earlier in the season.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

UPS IIISummary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) again declares that he’s a man in a lady’s wig and UPS’s gift to the world.

News Team PromoSummary: News anchor (Fred Armisen) frustrates a director (Bill Hader) by not cooperating during a promo shoot.

International MasterworksSummary: Norwegian actors perform an American restaurant scene without losing their thick accents.

Paparazzi BrothersSummary: Tasked with taking photos at their family’s Christmas party, two brothers (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) tackle the assignment like they were members of the paparazzi.

SNL Transcripts

`

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Woman to Woman

Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Todd…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Laura O’Shoney…..Jenny Slate
Barbara Way…..Abby Elliott

[ opening show graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Woman to Woman”… with host, Dr. Danilla Reese. Dr. Danilla is a psychologist specializing in women’s issues, no matter how personal. Now, please welcome Dr. Danilla Reese.

[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]

Roger Brush: Uh — Dr. Danilla is not here today. She’s sick, she’s got a 104 degree fever, she’s puking all over the place! I’m Roger Brush, I produce the show. I told her, “Don’t worry about it, honey, I’m gonna cover the show. You feel better, okay?” Now, right about now, uh, Danilla starts the show by taking questions from the audience. Uh, so who’s our first girl? Did I get that right, Todd?

Todd: [ in a soft-spoken voice ] That’s exactly right. Our first guest has a question about relationships.

[ Woman steps up and takes the microphone ]

Woman: [ nervously ] Hi. I-I feel like ever since I had my first child, my husband isn’t as attracted to me, and… I worry that it might be my stretch marks —

Roger Brush: Honey? I can’t hear a WORD you’re saying!

Woman: Um — my-my stretch marks. What is the best way to get rid of them?

Roger Brush: WHAT?!

Woman: My… my stretch marks!

Roger Brush: You know, you’re gonna have to get RIGHT UP on that mike, Sweetie! Todd, what did she say?

Todd: Her stretch marks!

Roger Brush: Yeah, what ABOUT ‘EM?!

Todd: They’re long and dark, and she wants to get rid of them!

Woman: No, no, I never said that —

Todd: Oh, sorry! [ he holds up his clipboard ] That’s just what it says here on —

Roger Brush: Okay, okay! So what’s the problem?!!

Woman: [ screaming ] I have very LOOOONG STRETCH MARKS!!

Roger Brush: Okay, I understand! Okay, I see it all now, honey! Let me tell you what to do. Go to the FLOWER STORE, get a bunch of FLOWERS, and you take ’em to your HUSBAND, and you say… “I’m sorry.” [ he leans back confidently ]

Woman: That d-doesn’t sound right…

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what to TELL YA’, Honey! THAT’S my answer, you know?! I’m up here TRYING to help! If YOU’VE got a BETTER IDEA, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!! Todd, who’s next? Let’s help these ladies out!

[ Woman steps down, as Laura O’Shoney steps up ]

Todd: This is, uh, Laura O’Shoney She wants to ask you about a particular problem she’s having with her boyfriend.

Laura O’Shoney: Uh, hi. This is really embarrassing… it’s, uh, kind of, uh, personal —

Roger Brush: Sweetie?! You GOTTA speak up!!

Laura O’Shoney: Oh. Uh, uh, uh — I’m dating a guy and, uh, we conect on every level and I love him, but, uh, I can’t, uh, achieve an orgasm with him, and I’m just wondering what should I… do?

Roger Brush: Agh!! Honey, I can’t hear a WORD you’re sayin’!! You have to E-NUN-CI-ATE!!

Laura O’Shoney: I can’t, um — I can’t achieve an orgasm with my boyfriend…

Roger Brush: You can’t WHAT?!!

Laura O’Shoney: I can’t achieve an orgasm!

Roger Brush: Who can’t achieve WHAT?!!

Laura O’Shoney: [ now frightened ] I can’t… I can’t achieve an orgasm…

Roger Brush: WHAT?!! Turn your — turn your mouth toward me!

Laura O’Shoney: You know, that’s okay… I-I’ll figure it out, if that’s… you know…

Roger Brush: No, no, sweetie!! What’s your problem?!

Todd: She can’t achieve an orgasm with her boyfriend.

[ Laura O’Shoney is extremely embarrassed now ]

Roger Brush: Todd! Why aren’t you talking for her?!

Todd: Well, she needs good sound advice. Mr. Brush, I think we should ocntinue this another time, when Dr. Danilla gets better.

Roger Brush: Todd, SHUT UP!! Let me help her out! Okay. Young lady, here’s my advice, okay? You go home… then you put on som lipstick… and you put on some eyeshadow… and you get your hair done… and you come home to your boyfriend and you say, “I’m sorry, baby.”

Laura O’Shoney: Um… sorry for wha-at?

Roger Brush: Honey… I don’t know what else to tell ya’! [ he leans back confidently ] I gave you a WHOLE list of things to do… y-you’re gonna have to make SOME kind of effort!!

Todd: You know, Danilla probably would have told her that she needs to express her needs in bed, to HELP her partner, DISCOVER her own needs, and ACHIEVE the orgasms she has been dreaming of!

Roger Brush: First of all, Todd: I can’t hear a WORD you’re sayin’! Second of all: I know what I’m doing, okay, buddy?! Who’s the next girl?!

[ Laura O’Shoney steps down ]

Todd: Her name is, uh… [ he looks at his clipboard ] Barbara Way.

[ Barbara Way steps up ]

Barbara Way: No. I’ve changed my mind. I’dd rather not.

[ she steps down ]

Roger Brush: That’s fine. Okay. I think, right about now, is when Danilla does her Words of Inspiration. ADVICE! Okay, what would Danilla say right here, uh: If you got something wrong with you, like, you know, like STRETCH MARKS, or you can’t figure out how to do an ORGASM, or, you know, maybe you don’t have a lot going on up here! [ he indicates his chest ] The BEST thing to do is: Just ‘fess is, admit it, and say you’re sorry!

Todd: No! No! I think Danilla would have said: “Stay strong, and stay true to yourself, and don’t be afraid to accept the woman that is you… and you will be that acceptable woman.”

Roger Brush: Todd! Nobody can hear you at all! When we come back, Dr. Laura Baum from Sloan-Kendring is gonna show us how to do a self-breast exam! [ he grimaces ] Uhh — See you next time on “Woman to Woman”!

[ dissolve to show graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Al Gore

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than one-thousand people waited to meet her. Or, as FOX News reported it: half-a-million people.

To help pay for the health care reform bill, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed a 5% tax on all elective cosmetic surgery. Oh sure, I guess it’s easy to tax plastic surgery when you’ve already got movie-star good looks!

In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. “Hey, that’s great!” said Joe Biden. “I didn’t even know I did anything wrong!”

It was reported Monday that, while in Rome for a UN food summit, Libyan leader Moammer Kadaffi spent several hours in the company of 200 Italian women, and tried to convert them to Islam. Long story short: He’s a Catholic now.

Experts are saying that number of light smokers, or people who don’t smoke regularly or only in social situations, is on the rise. You may know these people as Liars.

Seth Meyers: It’s “Green Week” here at NBC, and joining us now to discuss the issues facing the environment, former Vice President of the United States and Nobel Peace Prize Winner — Al Gore!

Al Gore: Thaank you, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Thank you for coming. So, to start, how do you feel President Obama has done so far in regards to the environment?

Al Gore: Well, Seth, there is a lot on the President’s plate right now: Health care, Afghanistan, the economy, and I understand that it’s hard to deal with everything at once. But, at the same time, he was elected with an overwhelming mandate. I mean, he won the popular vote, Seth, and we all know that’s the one that counts.

[ the audience cheers ]

Seth Meyers: He won the other vote, too.

Al Gore: If you say so. I don’t really pay attention to that. I’m a popular vote guy.

Seth Meyers: Alright, I get it. So, the environment?

Al Gore: Seth, we are at a critical moment when it comes to the climate crisis. In my new book, “Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis”, I detail the ways that we can address the problem. But I also want to have a back-up plan, in case this approach does not work. And I think I brainstormed some pretty good ideas on the way over tonight.

Seth Meyers: Okay, and so what is your back-up plan?

Al Gore: I’m going to start acting crazy.

Seth Meyers: Acting crazy?

Al Gore: Seth, I think it’s crazy that our politicians aren’t more worried about the climate crisis. So it’s time for us to out-crazy the crazy.

Seth Meyers: What do you mean?

Al Gore: Well, for example, instead of just writing a letter to a congressman, I’m going to fill up a trash can with ice water and prop it up against his office door so that when he opens it, cold water splashes all over him. Then he’ll find the note I left on his desk that says: “We’re melting. Love, The Glaciers.”

Seth Meyers: Alright, I don’t know if that’s a good idea…

Al Gore: Maybe I should show “before” and “after” pictures of Mt. Kilimanjaro, Seth. Ohhhh, that’s right! I did that, and it didn’t work! So, instead of science, I’m going with crazy. I’m going to start planting trees in politician’s front yards.

Seth Meyers: That actually kind of sounds nice.

Al Gore: In the middle of the night. And tape toy guns to the branches, pointed at the door, so that when they wake up and walk out of their houses in the morning, they’ll think it’s the forests coming to get their revenge.

Seth Meyers: Wow. This is a new Al Gore!

Al Gore: Well look, I need to make this count, Seth. I know the score. Once a year, during “Green Week”, NBC calls up Al Gore to come on TV to talk about the environment. Thanks, by the way. I can’t tell you how exciting it is to have a bully pulpit on a fourth place network.

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Well, we’re happy to have you.

Al Gore: And I come out every year. I’m like Punxsutawney Phil. But you know what it means when I see my shadow? It means the Earth is dying. Have you been outside today? It’s 60 degrees in late November. I mean, there’s a Christmas tree in front of this building, and guys are wearing flip flops. You can’t say this isn’t real!

Seth Meyers: I never said this isn’t real — I said you may be taking it too far.

Al Gore: Well, maybe you’re right Seth. Now that I say them out loud, my crazy ideas do sound a little too crazy. The real solution is simpler than that: We need to cut back on the burning of coal and oil, and start using renewable energy. We need to stop deforestation, and plant billions of trees. We need to start being more efficient, and stop wasting energy. We need to stop factory farming, and start using sustainable agriculture.

Seth Meyers: And if that doesn’t work?

Al Gore: I’m taping toy guns to trees.

Seth Meyers: Al Gore, everyone!

In an interview with a fashion industry web site, Kate Moss said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Said the rest of the world: Bacon!”

The design for George W. Bush’s Presidential Library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas. It features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don’t want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway: Don’t build a library where the lights are on when no one is home!

According to a new report, the peak time in which women on the New York subway system report being sexually harrassed is between 8 and 10 a.m. and 4 and 6 p.m., during what subway perverts call “Brush” Hour.

TLC has announced plans to air a new reality series called “Mall Cops: Mall of America”, which will follow security guards around as they follow Black people around.

It was announced this week that three kosher soup kitchens are opening in Brooklyn and Queens. Said one homeless Jew: [ mimes lifting a soup soon into his mouth, then waves his hand ] “Ehh.”

Zookeepers in Cleveland were surprised to discover this week that Mary, a touroise that had been in the zoo for more than fifty years, was really a male. Though no one was more surprised than Mary’s husband Todd. [ image: photoshopped tortoise with shocked expression ]

[ Seth glances off-camera and nods for one more ]

Snoop Dogg was invited to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchnge Monday morning, which explains why the opening bell wasn’t rung until 4:30 on Tuesday.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
“Reba McEntire”…..Kenan Thompson

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Oh! It’s been a long time coming.
Two of the world’s greatest.
America’s sweetheart, Ms. Reba McEntire.”

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
“Yeah, yeah.
How ya doin’ Andy?”

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“We’re about to take it to the top.
Hit ’em, Reba!”

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
“Haters in my face trying to keep me down
But you know we keep on shinin’.”

Andy Samberg: Here we go!

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
“Two crazy big stars from opposite worlds
’bout to set this track on fire.”

Andy Samberg: Yeah!

“She’s the queen of country”

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
“He’s the comedy prince
Making something out of nothing.”

Andy Samberg: Ha ha!

“We hooked up in the studio to make this song.”

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
But as usual, we ended up f–king.

Andy Samberg: No doubt!

“Flash back to when I first met Reba
Sitcom dressing room, puffing on Cheeba.
Said I was a fan, she said, “Prove it.”
Dropped her denim skirt and said, “hop to it!”

Made love all night!

“Reba McEntire: More like we f–kin’!

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Kids banging on the door, trying to interrupt
But them autographs can wait, ‘cuz this is way too strong
I can’t leave it alone, because her pussy’s the bomb!”

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
“‘Well my pussy is the bomb and that’s a fact
But these N-words keep on trippin’.”

Andy Samberg: Okay!

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“So I stay on my prime and drop these hits
‘Cuz I can’t go back to strippin’.
I’m Reba!”

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“You’re my undercover freak!”

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“And you’re my best friend, but our families don’t approve.”

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
That’s right, ‘cuz I’m a city boy.

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“And I’m a country girlAnd I’ll never leave your sweet balls blue.”

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
‘That’s because a girl like Reba’s got just what I need
With big broad shoulders and a red-ass weave.”

“Reba McEntire”: And a penis.

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Hot damn, she fly.
All she wanna do is bump me
I’m a lucky guy.”

“Reba McEntire”: I’m a guy, too.

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“My friends think I should dump her
They say she’s a man who found a wig in a dumpster.”

“Reba McEntire”: Your friends are smart.

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Nah, Rebes, they’re just jealous
‘Cuz I’m dating a star instead of hanging with the fellas.”

“Reba McEntire”: Hanging like my nuts.

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Word up, they’re just liars.
They can’t believe I can pull Reba McEntire.”

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“Ever since I came out of my mama’s butt
I knew I was destined for greatness.
I looked in a dumpster and saw a wig
And thought, “Hey brother, I’m gonna take this.”

Andy Samberg: Tell ’em, Reba!

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“So I put it right on and took a stroll
Right over to 30 Rock.”

Andy Samberg: SNL!

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“I saw Andy Samberg and he thought I was Reba
And I made him suck my dirty c-ck.”

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“So there you have it
Two worlds collide
We’re the new Bonnie and Clyde.”

“Reba McEntire”: Reba!

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“From haystacks to maybacks, our love will survive
For Reba I’ll ride ’til the day that we die.”

“Reba McEntire”: I’m Reba!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts