Month: October 2018

Salem Bitch Trial

Deputy Governor Danforth…..Phil Hartman
Court Clerk…..Rob Schneider
Samuel Wale…..Chris Farley
Abigail Wolcott…..Shannen Doherty
Goodwife Merkan…..Mike Myers
Mary Putnam…..Julia Sweeney
Nathaniel Wilson…..Kevin Nealon
Sarah Williams…..Melanie Hutsell
Blacksmith…..David Spade
Participant…..Adam Sandler

At the Salem Bitch Trials of 1692, Abigail Wolcott is accused of practicing the infernal art of Bitchcraft. The crowd at Salem cry out for her to burned at the stake for her accusations. Deputy Governor Danforth calls for silence and commences the last-recorded Bitchcraft Trial ever allowed under English law:

Deputy Governor Danforth: Who offers evidence against this lady?

Court Clerk: Samuel Wale. Stand fore! [ Samuel stands fore ]

Danforth: What say you?

Samuel Wale: Your Honor, I asked Abigail Wolcott to go to the Harvest Dance with me, Sir. Six times I asked her, and each time she rejected me. Then, I’m told she can only go out with guys from Boston who are wealthy. [ The crowd mumbles ]

Danforth: Abigail? Is this so?

Abigail: ‘Tis true. I did reject Samuel, your Honor, but not because of his station in life, nor was it because of his body lice, or his festering boils, or his warts. Rather, it is because I happen to find men from Boston more mature than Salem boys. And, due to the fact that Samuel has syphylis.

Goodwife Merkan: Oh, she’s a bitch! Burn her! [ the crowd screams for Abigail’s blood ]

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Order!! Who else speaketh against this woman?

Court Clerk: Mary Putnam. Stand fore! [ Mary stands fore ]

Mary Putnam: Your Honor, Abigail Wolcott.. belittled my frock.

Danforth: [ stern ] In what way, Mary?

Mary: She said my apron maketh my hips looks big. [ the crowd is stunned ]

Danforth: Abigail. What say you?

Abigail: Is it not true? Look! Mary’s hips are wider than the meeting house doors. Not to mention, she also has syphylis.

Goodwife Merkan: Oh, she is a stuck-up bitch!

Crowd: [ screaming ] Burn her!!

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Silence! Goodwife Merkan, I beg you, forgive me, but I must ask ye to be not so strong a voice. This woman has yet to be convicted!

Goodwife Merkan: Ohh.. but I know her ways. I have seen them with mine own eyes!

Danforth: Then, speak, Good Lady.

Goodwife Merkan: One fortnight past, I saw Abigail flying on her broom!

Danforth: And?

Goodwife Merkan: And.. uh.. I caught her in the forest summoning the Devil!

Danforth: Annnd?

Goodwife Merkan: And? And, uh.. the other day, I met her on the road with the Devil, and she didn’t even introduce me.

Samuel: The bitch did the same thing to me!!

Crowd: [ screaming ] Burn her!! Burn her!!

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Enough!! Nathaniel Wilson, before we decide, read aloud all additional evidence.

Nathaniel: [ standing in back of court reading from scroll ] “In addition, Abigail Wolcott has accused Sarah Williams of having parents of poor stock.”

Sarah Williams: She did! Just because we come from Holland!

Nathaniel: “And, for her sixteenth birthday, Abigail’s parents gave her her own horsecart, and she won’t let anyone else ride in it.”

Blacksmith: ‘Tis true, your Honor. I am the Blacksmith, and trust me when I say she values the horsecart not. She crashed it three times this month.
Abigail: He exaggerates, your Honor! He just wants to go out with me!

Participant: Oh, I guess everybody loves ye! Go out with ye! Ye is great! Look at ye, whoopee-dee!

Danforth: [ pounding gavel ] Silence. Abigail Wolcott [ she sighs ], have you anything else to say in your defense?

Abigail: Yes, your Honor. I deny partaking any acts of bitchery. ‘Tis an outrage lie. I merely speak the truth. Why is it when a man speaketh his mind, he’s admired and made judge. But when a woman displays forthrightness, she’s accused of being a bitch. I pray you, Sir: release me, and end this mindless persecution of women.

Danforth: [ thinking, sighs ] I have heard your speech, Abigail. Your eloquent plea doth not fall upon deaf ears. [ stern at first, then angry ] However, your words would sway greatly more had they not been delivered in such a bitchy manner! You shall be burned!!

Goodwife Markham: I told you!

Crowd: [ screaming ] Burn her!! Burn her!! Burn her!!

Announcer: Abigail Wolcott was one of nineteen women burned at the stake. Of those who perished, twelve were later found to be innocent of bitchery.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 2nd, 1993

Shannen Doherty

Cypress Hill

None

Operaman Plays the Scratch Lottery

Operaman (Adam Sandler) loses by a single digit.

Recurring Characters: Operaman.

Shannen Doherty’s Monologue

Doherty’s wedding video displays her thirst for violence.

Crystal Gravy

Now you can see your meat!

The Real World

Hatred among stereotypes includes poor white trash from Tulsa (Doherty).

The Denise Show

Brian (Adam Sandler) won’t remove ex-girlfriend Denise (Doherty) from head.

Recurring Characters: Brian, Brian’s Dad.

Cypress Hill performs “Insane In The Brain”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Rob Schneider’s wacky sports bloopers are just bad plays.

Ike Turner (Tim Meadows) throws a cake at Kevin Nealon.

Recurring Characters: Ike Turner.

Is It Date Rape?

Antioch students answer quiz show scenarios.

The Relapse Guy

Relapse Guy (Chris Farley) continually falls off the wagon.

Noah & Frans

Hairdressers (Tim Meadows, Phil Hartman) mind Doherty.

Salem Bitch Trials

Bitch in Salem (Doherty) is accused and convicted.

Cypress Hill performs “I Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That”

A Message From Michael Eisner

Eisner (Phil Hartman) reminds tourists that North Florida is safer than South Florida.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

You Put Your Weed In It

Shopkeeper…..Rob Schneider
Customer #1…..David Spade
Customer #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Customer #3…..Chris Farley
Cop…..Charles Barkley

[ open on interior, Out of Africa primitive art store ]

Shopkeeper: Hey, may I help you?

Customer #1: Yeah. This is kind of neat, what is it?

Shopkeeper: Oh, that’s from New Guinea. It’s a ceremonial spirit box.

Customer #1: Wow, that’s cool. What do you do with it?

Shopkeeper: You put your weed in there!

Customer #1: Oh. Thank you.

Customer #2: This is neat, is this from South America?

Shopkeeper: You bet. That’s a Yanamano ancestral rattle from Brazil. It’s carved from deer bone, they only make one every seven years, it’s really rare.

Customer #2: What do they use it for?

Shopkeeper: You put your weed in here!

Customer #2: O-kay..

Shopkeeper: No problem.

Customer #3: Where’s this from?

Shopkeeper: Oh, it’s from Borneo. It’s for a Zuluesque puberty ritual. It symbolizes the journey into adulthood.

Customer #3: Really?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you can put your weed in here!

Customer #3: So, this has actually been used in puberty rituals?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you put your weed in there!

Customer #3: Thanks.

Shopkeeper: No problem.

Customer #1: [ holding artifact ] Hey, uh, excuse me..

Shopkeeper: Oh, this is great! You put your weed in here! Awesome.

Customer #1: Actually, I’m looking for a gift for my mother. Is there anything in here that doesn’t involve weed?

Shopkeeper: [ thinks ] Well.. you can give her this. [ pulls out drum ] It’s a Senegalese talking drum. Only the Head Shayman of Senegal is allowed to use it.

Customer #1: Wow.. that’d be great, she might like something like that.

Shopkeeper: You know what I’d do if I bought it? I’d put my weed in there! Right in there. [ puts it down ] Oh, wait.. I’ve got something else.

Customer #1: Ah.

Shopkeeper: This is a Javanese rain stick. Yeah, it’s for a fertility dance. You can put it in your apartment and hang a plant from it.

Customer #1: That’d be cool, she has a lot of plants. That might be good.

Shopkeeper: You sure she doesn’t like weed?

Customer #1: Yeah, I’m pretty sure.

Shopkeeper: It’s too bad, because it goes right in here. This part unscrews, it’s really great!

[ Cop enters the shop ]

Cop: Hey. Is that your Volkswagon van parked out front?

Shopkeeper: Look, man, there’s nothing in here that you could put weed into!

Cop: I just wanted to tell you that you left your lights on. I turned them off for you.

Shopkeeper: Okay, maybe there’s some things in here that you put tobacco into, or incense or spices into, but definitely not weed!

Cop: What the hell are you talking about?

Shopkeeper: Okay. I guess, if this opened up, you could put weed in it, but I can’t get it open. [ Cop opens it ] It’s not like there’s weed in there!

Cop: [ holds up the weed ] What is this?

Shopkeeper: Weed.

Cop: You’re under arrest!

Shopkeeper: Alright, but don’t bother checking the store! Because there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that!

Cop: Well, you can talk about it down at the station.

Shopkeeper: Don’t bother checking the back of the store – no wee-ee-eed!

[ Cop pulls Shopkeeper outside ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Office Space

[ open on Milton sitting at his desk in the storeroom, fuming ]

Milton: I.. I told Bill if they move my desk one more time, I’m quitting. I used to be over by the window, and they moved me three times already this year. If they do it one more time, I’m out of here. I used to have my own stapler, too, and then, when I moved back, they made me give back my stapler. And.. but Bill told me I’m supposed to have a stapler, so.. until I’m told different, I’m just gonna take the stapler. And, if they make me give it back, I’ll.. I’ll just.. I’ll set the building on fire. [ picks nose ]

[ Bill appears at the doorway, gripping his coffee cup tightly ]

Bill: Oh, hello, Milton, what’s happening? Um.. I’m gonna need you to go ahead and move your desk again. So, uh..

Milton: Well..

Bill: If you could go ahead and just get it as far back into that corner as possible, that’d be terrific..

Milton: But..

Bill: That way, we’ll have some more room for some of these boxes and things we need to put in here.

Milton: Well.. okay..

Bill: And, uh.. oh. Here’s that stapler I’ve been looking for. Here..

Milton: Um.. but..

Bill: I’ll just go ahead and get that from you. Thanks. [ takes Milton’s stapler ]

Milton: Well..

Bill: Okay, so, uh.. if you could go ahead and just get to that as soon as possbile, that’d be terrific.

Milton: Well..

Bill: Alright, thanks a bunch, Milton.

Milton: Okay..

Bill: Buh-bye. [ exits ]

Milton: Well.. but.. well, okay.. but I’m gonna set the building on fire.

[ SUPER: “TO BE CONTINUED” ]

SNL Transcripts

NCI Long Distance

Consumer #1…..Kevin Nealon
NCI Spokesman…..David Spade
Consumer #2…..Melanie Hutsell
Consumer #3…..Rob Schneider
Consumer #4…..Ellen Cleghorne
Consumer #5…..Phil Hartman

Consumer #1: My Long Distance company gives me a discount when I call my favorite area code. What about my favorite zip code?

[ show logo: “NCI: The new long distance company” ]

NCI Spokesman: NCI will discount your favorite area code, zip code, or any other type of code. We’re the leading discounter of codes.

[ Flash: “Code Discounts” ]

Consumer #2: Sometimes, when I call people, they’re not there to answer the phone. That bothers me.

NCI Spokesman: With NCI, the person you’re calling will always be there to answer the phone. No matter when you call – we guarantee it.

[ Flash: “The NCI Guarantee” ]

Consumer #3: People don’t call me as often as I like.

NCI Spokesman: With NCI, you’ll get calls all the time – from people who like you and respect you.

[ Flash: “Respect” ]

Consumer #3: What about pretty girls?

NCI Spokesman: Yes!

[ Flash: “Pretty Girls” ]

Consumer #4: How come 123456789 isn’t a number? Why can’t it be my number?

NCI Spokesman: Consider it done!

[ Flash: “Extra Long Phone Numbers” ]

Consumer #2: Can that be my number, too?

NCI Spokesman: Sure!

[ Flash: “Whatever” ]

Little Girl: I want a pony!

NCI Spokesman: Take a look in your backyard.

[ Flash: “Ponies” ]

Consumer #5: I hate my boss. I want him dead!

NCI Spokesman: That we will not do.

[ Flash: “No Murder” ]

Consumer #5: I want a phone company that will murder my boss.

NCI Spokesman: Fine. If you switch to NCI now – the next time you make a long-distance call, we will murder your boss. And you’ll recive one hour of free calls to anywhere in the continental United States.

[ Flash: “Fine, Murder” ]

[ show logo: “NCI: The new long distance company” ]

NCI Spokesman: NCI. We want to be your phone company.

SNL Transcripts

Charles Barkley’s Monologue

…..Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley: Thank you! Alright! Hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, I actually was not their first choice. They did want somebody from the NBA, but being Yom Kippur and all, I was the only one they could get. I’m one of the few non-Jewish players in the league. It’s been a fun week, working with the cast, watching Nirvana rehearse – even got to play a little basketball. You see, a while back I played basketball with Godzilla. Everyone here, and myself, thought it would be fun to have a rematch – you know, rent a gym, play a little one-on-one, but give the profits to charity.

[ dissolve to the basketball court, Charles bouncing the basketball ]

Charles Barkley V/O: We ran into a problem – at the last minute, Godzilla cancelled. We were incredibly lucky to find a worthy replacement – Barney.

[ Barney dances on the court ]

Charles Barkley: Hey, Barney, thanks for doing this on such short notice.

Barney: That’s okay, Charles. That’s what caring and sharing are all about!

Charles Barkley V/O: It really didn’t matter to me who won – I just wanted to have a good time..

[ Charles makes a series of slam dunks around Barney ]

Charles Barkley: [ close-up, in Barney’s face ] Hey, Barney! What’s going on? What we doin’, babe? What’s going on? [ jumps for slam funk, knocking Barney to the floor ]

[ a series of rough basketball moves that leads to Barney’s costume falling apart ]

Charles Barkley: [ close-up, in Barney’s face ] What’s wrong, bro? Had enough? [ smacks basketball on Barney’s head, knocking one of his fake eyes out ]

Charles Barkley V/O: We sure had a lot of laughs that day. We played a good game, but, most importantly, I made a new friend.

[ Charles and a beat-up Barney exit the court ]

[ dissolve back to Charles at Home Base ]

Charles Barkley: We’ve got a great show, Nirvana’s here, so stick with us, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Charles Barkeley

Charles Barkeley: Well, thank you. I hope everybody had a great time. I want to thank RuPaul.. Muggsy.. Nirvana. I – hey, it’s been a great week, and I hope everybody had a great time, and it was my pleasure to be here! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead.
No, wait, not me, you.

SNL Transcripts

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Announcer: And now, from the Oval Office, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Good evening. This past Wednesday night, I laid out the basics of a Health Care plan that would guarantee every American a comprehensive package of medical coverage. If you’re a citizen of the United States, you cannot be turned down. That’s right. If you have an obstructed calcified pancreas, you qualify. If you have a prolapsed colon.. you qualify. If you need a sebacious cyst lanced and drained.. you qualify.

You see, over the last eigt months, Hillary and I have visited with thousands of troubled Americans, who share their anxiety with us. I remember the anguish of the man in Virginia, who told me he lives with the constant worry that, if a loved one were to cut off his penis again, he could not afford to have it re-attached. That he would be forced to keep it in the refrigerator, until he found a new job with the proper coverage. Hillary has heard from countless others, who go to sleep every night fearing that the next time they drink a Pepsi, they will swallow a syringe.

I’ve visited sideshows throughout our great nation, and, for the first time under our plan, the world’s thinnest man – you are covered. Japu, the Indian Ruber Man – you are covered. Lobster Boy – I feel your pain! You.. are covered. But, you, the boy who was raised by wolves.. are not covered; because you are a fraud, it’s just a wig. And I bring up Wolf Boy for a reason – we simply must draw the line somewhere; we cannot pay for everything. For example: Cooties are covered; but not the Heebie Jeebies. Cabin Fever? Covered. Lotto Fever – not covered. Fumbleitis, covered; but Butterfingerw, not covered. Breast augmentation? [ a beat ] Covered! Breast reduction, not covered! As I say, we have to draw the line.

Now, how does this plan work? When you go to your doctor, just present this. [ holds up a card ] Your personal Health Security Card. And for every Health Care dollar you spend, you earn a frequent flyer mile on the Continental 1 pass! Thank you, Continental! Now, for those who did well in the 80’s.. the Health Care Security Gold Card. [ holds up a second card ] It covers skiing accidents, tennis elbow, and hair plugs. Plus, the Health Buyers Protection Guarantee. Say you buy a major body organ for a transplant, and, while in the hospital, the organ is lost or stolen. If you put it on your Gold Card, we will replace it within 90 days.

We can do this. There isn’t anything we Americans cannot do, if we only have the courage to change. However, there are certain things we are too afraid to change.. like, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiightttt!!“

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
September 25th, 1993

Charles Barkley

Nirvana

Muggsy Bogues

Skid Row

RuPaul

Nirvana, “Rape Me”

A Message From the President of the United States

President Clinton (Phil Hartman) unveils new Health Care bill.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Charles Barkley’s Monologue

Barney the Dinosaur is creamed in one-on-one match with Barkley.

NCI Long Distance

NCI will do anything possible to be your phone company.

Larry King Live

Larry King (Kevin Nealon) subjects Burt Reynolds (Phil Hartman) to truth serum.

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Burt Reynolds.

Daily Affirmation

Stuart Smalley (Al Franken) brings Barkley and Muggsy Bogues together.

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Nirvana performs “Heart-Shaped Box”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Gap Girls

Kristy (David Spade) and Lucy (Adam Sandler) recall night with Skid Row.

Recurring Characters: Kristy, Lucy.

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman (Mike Myers) takes calls on Yom Kippur.

Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Who would be better off dead.

Charles Barkley’s Big & Tall Men’s Store

Clothing store to meet basketball players’ fashion needs.

You Put Your Weed In It

Tribal store owner (Rob Schneider) sells artifacts for bongs.

What’s That?

Game show contestants try to determine the sex of various people.

Nirvana performs “Rape Me”

Donkey Basketball

Barkley teaches youngsters the finer points of the sport.

“Office Space, part 1”

Milton stews when his tiny office is used for storage.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts