Month: October 2018

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Al Franken

Music Intro: Led Zeppelin

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

This week, President Bush addressed the joint meeting of the International Monetary Fund, and kept four balls in the air for a good thirty seconds.

Also this week, the Bush administration doubled the estimated cost of bailing out the failed Savings & Loan industry, and now say it will cost a staggering $130 billion over the next five years. $130 billion! Can you really grasp what that figure means? Let me put this in layman’s terms for you: if the United States only had one person. he’d have to kick in $130 billion!

In his address to the joint session of Congress last week, President Bush said, “It’s about time we crack down on the aggression of Saddam Hussein.” In keeping with that challenge, sitting right next to Vice-President Quayle – behind the President – was none other than the leader of the Dirty Dozen, Lee Marvin.

At the UN this week, the meeting of the general assembly degenerated when the deposed Emir of Kuwait, Sheik Jabar al Amad al Sabab, began delivering a speech, and other unruly general assembly members began playing Ring Toss with his head.

As of tomorrow, September 30th, the Pentagon’s price tag on its Persian Gulf operation, known as Desert Shield, is $2.5 billion. Don’t they know they don’t have to use the Desert Maxi-Shield, they could save a little money and use the Stay-Free Desert Mini-Shield!

As more and more troops arrive in Saudia Arabia, the military spirit has caught on, and a new marching song has emerged as the battle hymn of the 90’s: “It’s Saudi Doody time!”

Dennis Miller: Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, Bryant Gumbel – all have distinguished themselves, reporting from the Middle East during the current Gulf crisis. Weekend Update has dispatched our own one-man mobile-uplink unit Al Franken to the Gulf. And we go now live to Al in Saudia Arabia, where it is about noon. Al? Hello, Al?

Al Franken: Dennis, I am here on the Arabian peninsula, panning now with my Sony KB-2000, which is mounted on my extended-cam harness.. and I’m beaming my signal with my 1.3 meter parabolic antenna.. up to a satellite back down to you, at 30-

Dennis Miller: Al, you look terrible.

Al Franken: Uh.. yes, Dennis.. I.. am lost. And I’m gonna push in now with my Sony KB-2000 to show the effects of five days of blistering sun.. with nothing to drink.. but my own.. urine.

[ camera pans in on Al’s severely chapped lips ]

Dennis Miller: Oh, Al! That’s terrible!

Al Franken: Uh, yes, Dennis.. about five days ago, my high-mobility multi-purpose vehicle.. ran out of gas. I’m gonna pan over there now – it’s a very difficult maneuver.. because the dehydration and 120° heat.. has left me in a weakened state. So weak, in fact, that I am not absolutely certain whether I am actually, uh.. talking to you.. or simply hallucinating.

Dennis Miller: You are talking to me, Al, you’re talking to me..

Al Franken: Well.. I.. I hope so, Dennis..

Dennis Miller: Al, maybe we can get a fix on your location by triangulating your signal.

Al Franken: Well.. I-I-I.. love you, too, Dennis.. I love you all.. In fact.. I’m crying now.. There are no tears as such.. due to the.. severe dehydration..

Dennis Miller: Just hold on, Al!

Al Franken: Dennis.. don’t worry.. everything’s going to be fine.. You know why..? Because I.. I’m gonna go to sleep now, Dennis..

Dennis Miller: No, Al! Do not go to sleep! Hang on!

Al Franken: It’s time to sleep..

Dennis Miller: It’s not time to sleep! Fight it, Al! [ picture fizzles out ] We’re losing him. Al? We lost him. [ pictures returns, with Al laying down on the ground unconcious ] Al, wake up! [ a buzzard swoops in ] No. No. No. Shoo! Shoo! [ the buzzard begins to pick in Al’s eyes ] Aw, nooo.. This is terrible. This is as bad as I’ve ever seen. All we can do is hope for some kind of a miracle.

Supreme Court nominee Judge David Suter was the guest of baseball commissioner Faye Vincent this week at a Baltimore Oriole game, where he was asked to throw out the first ball and the Roe vs. Wade decision.

[ show picture of de Klerke and Quayle ]
On the left is de Klerke.. and on the right is just plain Duh!

You know, something happened over the summer I felt we just had to comment on: can you believe Washington mayor Marion Barry got off? You know, it’s surprising, because I’ve heard that when you do that much blow, you can’t get off.

[ show picture of Saudio women wrapped in cloths with glasses pulled over the cloth ]
You know, I betcha she’d look really good if she’d just take off those damn glasses!

Michael Dukakis has announced that he may run again for President of the United States, whereupon every citizen in the state of Massachusetts simultaneously said, “Yeah, right!”

Ronald and Nancy Reagan were traveling last week throughout Europe and visited Berlin, where it was the former president’s job to go back to the hotel and help Nancy take off her make-up.

Out in Hollywood this week, the Motion Picture Association abandoned its controversial X rating in favor of a new category meaning No Children Under 17, to be caled NC-17. And today they announced an additional category: IQ-80.

PBS, to kick off its new season, announced a new five-night series, that will depict a woman with sixteen personalities all in mortal conflict. “The Sybil War” will appear Sunday through Thursday on your local PBS affiliate.

Everybody’d wondering who killed Laura Petrie. I think it was Mel Cooley. Or maybe Pickles.

Last week, in the New York Times, Leona Helmesley took a full-page ad to publish an open letter to Saddam Hussein, condemning him for calling his captive hostages in Kuwait and Baghdad “guests” of his country. Lwon went on to say, “I’ve been in the hotel business for over 25 years; I know guests. These people are not guests; they’re employees!”

Andthe Rev. Al Sharpton recently moved to New Jersey’s suburbs, and everybody in New Jersey moved to Manhatten.

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!

SNL Transcripts

Twin Peaks

Dale Cooper…..Kyle MacLachlan
Sheriff Truman…..Kevin Nealon
Leo…..Chris Farley
Deputy Andy Brennan…..Conan O’Brien
Leland Palmer…..Phil Hartman
Audrey Horne…..Victoria Jackson
Nadine Hurley…..Jan Hooks
Log Lady…..Jan Hooks
Backwards-Speaking Little Man…..Mike Myers

[ Music: “Twin Peaks” Theme ]

[ open on interior, Dale Cooper’s hotel room at night ]

Dale Cooper: [ talking into tape recorder ] Diane, 11:31 pm. Just finished washing up and ready for bed. This morning, I showered for nine minutes. Found seventeen hairs; three curly, fourteen straight. I used the Basalm shampoo along with the conditioner courtesy of the hotel and delivering what it promised. A silky manageability. Cotton towel by Field Crest with just the right amount of absorbancy. Consumed fifteen doughnuts today, Diane. All jelly. I’ll be injecting my insulin in four minutes. Diane, slept great last night. Got to find out what kind of sheets these are; not cotton, not rayon, silky. Damn fine sheets. I’m gonna get naked and slide around in them.

[ front door opens, as Sheriff Truman enters ]

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, great news. We found out who killed Laura Palmer. It was Leo. He just confessed.

Dale Cooper: Harry, I’m glad you’re here. Tonight we’re going to go up to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as indians. Hawk said we could borrow his buckskins – you know, the one with the eagle feather.

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, listen. Leo confessed. Leo turned himself in.

Dale Cooper: Well, that’s good news, Harry. Another piece of thepuzzle. It won’t be long now.

Sheriff Truman: No, no, no, no. Leo confessed. He really did, honest. It’s over. We found the murder weapon in the truck. His fingerprints match. We even have a video tape of it. [ pulls videotape out of his pocket ]

[ Music Over: “Laura Palmer’s Theme” ]

Dale Cooper: Harry, in the FBI we’re trained in one very important thing – to look beyond the obvious. Now, this video tape is helpful, but last night I had a dream. In that dream I saw a hairless mouse with a pitchfork singing a song about caves. I surmised these are the same caves at the Packard Saw Mill. Harry, tonight you and I are going to do a little spelunking.

[ the front door bursts open, as a handcuffed Leo enters with Deputy Andy Brennan ]

Leo: I guess you heard. I did it. I’m ready to do my time. Get me a beer!

Dale Cooper: Harry, this certainly puts him high on the list of suspects. See he doesn’t leave town.

[ Music Over: “Laura Palmer’s Theme” ]

Leland Palmer: [ despondent, enters the room ] Special Agent Cooper. I want to thank you for finding the man that killed my daughter Laura. Now that its over, I’m gonna miss you. [ hugs Cooper ] Dance with me. Dance with me. [ holds Cooper’s hands and begins to sway ]

Dale Cooper: Leland, I’m afraid your celebration may be a bitpremature. Laura’s killer is still at large.

Leland Palmer: [ stops dancing ] What? [ sobs and uncontrollably dances with his hands, palms forward and on his head, then exits the room ]

Sheriff Truman: Cooper? Why did you say that? Leland’s just starting to make a recovery.

Dale Cooper: Oh, don’t worry about Leland. His dancing is actually getting quite good.

[ Music Over: “Audrey’s Dance” ]

Audrey Horne: [ enters the room and leans against the wall ] Agent Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Audrey, did you dig up any new leads at the perfumecounter?

Audrey Horne: I quit that job as soon as I found that Leo did it.

Leo: That’s right! I’m the one.

Dale Cooper: [ scolding ] I’m talking to Audrey.

Leo: [ reaches in his pants pocket ] I’ve got pictures, see. [ pulls out his wallet and displays the pictures ] Here’s me about to kill her. Here’s me killing her. Here’s me wrapping her in plastic.

Audrey Horne: [ squeezing between Cooper & Leo ] I just wanted to say goodbye, Agent Cooper. I want you to take this with you. [ hands him a gift ] I just have to finish wrapping it. [ shoves a 5-inch long, red ribbon in her mouth and slowly gobbles it up. Her tongue squirms around in her mouth, then she sticks her tongue out to reveal a tied red bow, which she places on Cooper’s gift. ]

Dale Cooper: Thank you Audrey. [ Audrey exits the room ] Harry, tonight we’ll stake out the graveyard disguised as alter boys.

Sheriff Truman: No, no. No, we won’t, Cooper, and I’ll tell you why – because the crime has been solved already. Leo confessed.

Dale Cooper: Okay, we’ll go to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as Eskimo seal hunters.

Sheriff Truman: No, Cooper.

Dale Cooper: How about Vegas?

Sheriff Truman: No.

Dale Cooper: It’s fun.

Sheriff Truman: Come off it, Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Harry, I’ve got it. [ picks up a rock from the table. ] I’ll throw this rock at the window. If it breaks, Leo is innocent. [ throws the rock at the window, breaking it. ] Leo you’re free to go.

Sheriff Truman: Look, Cooper – I know you have interesting methods, and I don’t blame you for loving your work. But seeing that this crime is solved already, I’d like to move on to an unsolved crime.

Leo: Look! I did it! You think those notes I sent you were a joke?!

Dale Cooper: What notes?

Leo: Those notes right there. [ points to some notes on the table ]

Sheriff Truman: [ picks up the notes and reads them ] “Dear Agent Cooper. I killed Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson.” [ reads next note, as Cooper looks on ] “Dear Agent Cooper. Wondering if you got my first note. Read my killing of Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson.” [ reads next note ] “Dear Agent Cooper. Why no response about me killing Laura Palmer? Are you still on the case? If not, please forward to proper authorities. Yours truly, Leo ‘the murder of Laura Palmer’ Johnson.”

[ Music Over: “Night Life in Twin Peaks” ]

Nadine Hurley: [ rushes in carrying a drape runner ] Agent Cooper. [ grabs his left arm ] I understand you’re returning to Washington? [ Cooper nods yes ] This.. [ points to her drape runner ] This is my silent drape runner. Please see that it gets to the patent office. That is all. [ runs out of the room ]

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, I think I’m going to head off, too.

Dale Cooper: Oh, not yet, Harry. We still haven’t heard from the Log Lady.

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, you’re not going to hear from the Log Lady.

Dale Cooper: Why not?

Sheriff Truman: Well.. because there’s only two women left on”Saturday Night Live”, and we’ve already used them both up.

[ Log Lady rushes into the room carrying her log in her arms ]

Log Lady: [ out of breath ] Hi. My log says Leo did it. That all, I got to go. [ exits room in a rush ]

Dale Cooper: Harry, this town never ceases to amaze me.

Sheriff Truman: Well, you come back and visit any time. [ faces Leo and Andy ] Let’s go, everybody.

[ the three of them start to leave ]

[ Music Over: “Into The Night” ]

Dale Cooper: Well, wait.. maybe.. maybe Leo did kill Laura Palmer.. but we still haven’t figured out who shot me.

Leo: I did! Geez, you saw me!

Sheriff Truman: Come on, lets go, everybody. [ to Cooper ] A good morning to you. [ exits room and closes door ]

[ Music Over: “Twin Peaks” Theme ]

Dale Cooper: [ puts drape runner down, then takes out his miniature tape recorder ] Well, Diane, I guess I’m going to be heading home several months earlier than I planned. [ turns light off ] I suppose I might as well, because for the first time in my life.. here in this beautiful town of Twin Peaks, I feel alone. Hopelessly alone.

[ front door opens, as the Backwards-Speaking Little Man enters ]

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Hello Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Hello, little friend.

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Heard about Leoconfessing, tough break.

Dale Cooper: It’s okay. Say, I thought I might go to the diner for a slice of cherry pie before I leave town.

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Do they have little pies?

Dale Cooper: My friend, I’ve got a feeling they do. [ pats theBackwards-Speaking Little Man on the arm, then heads to the door, where he pauses solemnly ] You know what – on second thought, I think I’ll just call it a night. Is that all right? Nothing personal?

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Sure. No problem.

[ Music Over: “Dance of the Dream Man” ]

[ Backwards-Speaking Little Man begins to dance, as Cooper climbs into bed and cover himself with the sheets ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Sprockets

Dieter…..Mike Myers
Karl-Heinz Shelkar…..Kyle McLachlan

Announcer: Sprockets…Sprockets…West German Television Presents: Sprockets….Mit your host: Dieter.

Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets. Welcome to Sprockets. I am your host, Dieter. First of all I would like to welcome our new affiliates in East Germany who are carrying Sprockets for the first time: LODR – Leipzig Auyste-Deutsch Runfunk. And FKMS – Funzine Karl-Marx-Stadt. Welcome to the Sprockets family. This veek we have a special feature on Sprockets. It is called “Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos”.

[Video Overlay: An old man recites: “Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos. Ahhhhhhhhh!”]

Dieter: And now I’d like to introduce the man who compiles all the videos for Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos. You may know him as the vacky neighbor from Munich TV’s hit comedy “Who Are You to Accuse Me?” Please welcome Karl-Heinz Shelkar. [Karl Heinz enters studio] Welcome to Sprockets Karl-Heinz.

Karl-Heinz: Danka Dieter.

Dieter: Karl Heinz, you are beautiful and angular…and if you were a gas, you’d be inert. How do you go about compiling all of these videos?

Karl-Heinz: Vell Dieter, all of our videos are sent in by ordinary Germans, like you and me. People with video cameras who happen to record the everyday occurrences of the grotesque and the profane.

Dieter: I am so full of anticipation that my genitals have sucked up into my body cavity. Before we begin… before we begin, would you like to touch my Monkey?

Karl-Heinz: I would be honored.

Dieter: Touch him! Love him! Liebe mein affe-mienke! [Karl-Heinz shakes hands with Dieter’s monkey, sitting on a pedestal] Now I am as happy a little girl. Let us see the first video.

[ Videos are shown as described by Karl-Heinz in the next several dialogs ]

Karl-Heinz: The first video was sent in by Colin Hartmen from Dueseldorf. Here is a fat man in a diaper cavorting about in a lawn shprinkler. I guess this proves that old Bavarian saying that a fat man and a shprinkler are soon together.

Dieter: Brilliant. Truly disturbing.

Karl-Heinz: The next disturbing video was sent in by Napoleon Shultz of Breman. In it was see a man distributing leaflets. Another man comes over and read one. Watch what he does. He has kicked the man in the testicles! Look – the pain was so intense he has to vomit.

Dieter: His agony was gorgeous. I need to be slapped.

Karl-Heinz: The next video was sent in by Geurgud Gardner from Baden-baden. Here they have come across the body of a tramp, which in itself is not so disturbing. Until it is turned over to reveal…. ANTS! ANTS! ANTS!

Dieter: Now that’s an ant farm of a different color.

Karl-Heinz: Now this next video was submitted by Wolfie and Kristan Sana from Muenster. It takes places at the Glycofin Gallery in Hanover. Two people…

Dieter: Your setup has become tiresome. Play it! A man and a voman view an installation. Watch what happens. His trousers have fallen down!

Dieter: And now we must vote.

Karl-Heinz: The winner will receive 10,000 marks and a 1990 Chevrolet Geo.

Dieter: Geo. Stylish, sporty, economical. That’s Geo.

Karl-Heinz: Will you vote for Number 1: Fat man in diaper? Number 2: Kicked in the Testicles? Number 3: Ant Face? Or number 4: Trouser gallery?

Dieter: Make your selection.

[Audience votes electronically]

Karl-Heinz: The most disturbing video…is: Trouser Gallery. [The subjects of the Trouser Gallery Video, sitting in the audience are handed an oversized check and car keys]

Dieter: Now’s the time on Sprockets when we dance. [Dieter and Karl-Heinz get up and dance; fellow Germans join them] That’s all the time we have on Sprockets. My guest has been Karl Heinz Shelkar. My name is Dieter…Auf Wiedersehen!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 1

90a: Kyle McLachlan / Sinead O’Connor

All Things Scottish

Stuart Rankin…..Mike Myers
Customer #1…..Kevin Nealon
Customer #2…..Jan Hooks
Angus…..Kyle MacLachlan
Customer #3…..Victoria Jackson

[ Interior, All Things Scottish, day. Fade in on close-up of bag which bears the store’s name. ]

Stuart Rankin: So that’s, eh, one kilt, one Loch Ness Monster, and one bottle of Bell’s Scotch whiskey. That comes to two hundred twenty-two dollars and twenty-seven cents, please.

Customer #1: [ pays Stuart ] There you go. Thank you very much.

Stuart Rankin: Thank you.

Customer #1: Great store, by the way. You just sell Scottish things here?

Stuart Rankin: That’s right! All Things Scottish. Our slogan is, if it’s no’ Scottish, it’s CRAP!

Customer #1: [ nods ] Okay.

Stuart Rankin: Help yourself to a piece of haggis. [ indicates a plate of samples on toothpicks, next to the cash register ]

Customer #1: [ does so ] Thanks very much.

Stuart Rankin: There you go … all righty. Bye-bye now.

Customer #1: Bye-bye. [ exits the store, and hears the “bagpipes” door chime on his way out ]

[ Customer #2 enters the store, and chuckles when she hears the “bagpipes” door chime ]

Stuart Rankin: Welcome to All Things Scottish. If it’s no’ Scottish, it’s CRAP! Can I help you?

Customer #2: Well, yeah, look, it’s a shot in the dark, but I was wondering, do you have these coasters? They’re plaid, and they have Jackie Stewart’s head on them.

Stuart Rankin: Box of six or twelve?

Customer #2: [ suddenly pleased ] Twelve! That’s great.

Stuart Rankin: All righty, there you go. [ places it on the counter ] Seventeen dollars, please.

Customer #2: Seventeen dollars, okay. [ pays him in cash ] Listen, I-I love the way you talk.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, thank you very much.

Customer #2: Yeah. [ giggles ] Okay, thanks a lot. Bye-bye. [ takes her coasters and exits the store ]

Stuart Rankin: Bye-bye.

Customer #2: [ on her way out ] Oh, “It’s a bare breed nicht tinicht”! [ looks unsure if she said it right ]

Stuart Rankin: It sure is. All righty. [ sees her out ]

Customer #2: Oh yeah. Bye.

Stuart Rankin: Bye-bye now.

[ as she leaves, Stuart picks up some books from a box by the entrance and places them on the counter. Angus enters the store. ]

Stuart Rankin: You’re late! Get your kilt on!

Angus: Dad, I’m not wearin’ a stupid kilt!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’ll wear it or you’ll get a kick in the face, y’little bastard!!

[ they raise their fists ]

Angus: Dad … we live in America now! No one else wears kilts!

Stuart Rankin: I know no one else wears kilts, but then no one else is Scottish either! You’ll wear it and you’ll like it!!

Angus: I dun’ know …

Stuart Rankin: I’ll kill you, son …

Angus: I dun’ know …

Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’re a dead man now, ya bastard!

Angus: Oh, you make me laugh, wee man!

Stuart Rankin: That’s it! Say goodbye to life!

Angus: Me mum wouldn’a made me wear a stupid kilt!

Stuart Rankin: [ lets down his guard and tears up ] Oh, don’t bring up yer mother! No fair, bastard! I LOVE YOU!

[ they have a tender moment as they hug each other ]

Stuart Rankin: I love you! It herts! It HERTS!

Angus: I’m sorry. I’ll wear the kilt. [ goes in the back of the store ]

Stuart Rankin: Aww, bringin’ up yer mother like that! Ya know, I just, I get so EMOTIONAL, it herts! All righty, look, we’ve got this shipment of Sean Connery’s, uh, autobiography. Would you mind displaying them please?

[ Angus comes out wearing the kilt ]

Stuart Rankin: And by the way, where were you?

Angus: Golfin’.

Stuart Rankin: Magic!

[ as Customer #3 enters the store, Stuart goes behind the counter, and Angus walks over to greet her ]

Angus: Welcome to All Things Scottish. Me name’s Angus. Can I help yoo?

Customer #3: Sure, Angus, I’d like to get something Scottish for my dad, like a little leprechaun.

Angus: A leprechaun? Well … leprechauns are, in fact, Irish.

Customer #3: Oh … Irish, Scottish, it’s the same thing.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, it’s the same thing, is it?!? [ whips out a map of Europe and points to it ] HAVE A LOOK AT THE MAP!! THERE’S SCOTLAND! THERE’S IRELAND! THERE’S THE BLOODY SEA!! THEY’RE DIFFERENT, NOW GET OUT!! [ chases her out of the store ] GET OUT! GET OUT, MRS. NO-CAN-READ-A-MAP! GET OUUUUUT!! [ fumes ]

Angus: Dad, I hate it when you shout at the customers like that! Besides, she was cute!

Stuart Rankin: Listen t’me, you’ve no’ got time to go galavanting with every cheap dolly girl that comes into this store! Knock on wood! [ taps on Angus’ head ] If anything should happen to me, you’ve gotta take over this store!

Angus: Dad, I don’t want to take over this shop.

Stuart Rankin: What?

Angus: Dad, I said I don’t want to take over this store.

Stuart Rankin: [ solemnly ] You’ve just committed patricide, son.

Angus: Och, Dad, don’t be so dramatic!

Stuart Rankin: Stick me in a long boat! Set it ablaze! Poosh me out to sea!

Angus: Dad, we’ve been in America for ten years! Everything’s so bloody Scottish! We should sell something American!

Stuart Rankin: Oh aye? Like what?

Angus: Pizza.

Stuart Rankin: Pizza? That’s Italian!

Angus: It’s what Americans eat, not blood sausage or suet pie, ya tube! … It’s like all of Scottish cuisine’s based on a dare!

[ tempers rising ]

Stuart Rankin: You’re startin’ to get insulting, son!

Angus: Well, maybe you deserve to be insulted!

Stuart Rankin: Well, maybe you deserve to be put through a plate glass windah!

[ they raise their fists ]

Angus: Shame on you, talkin’ like that! You’d nae’ be talkin’ like that if Mum was aroond!

Stuart Rankin: [ tears up ] Oh, don’t bring up yer mother, bastard! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! [ they hug again ]

Angus: Oh … I love you too! I love you, Dad! [ they pause from hugging ]

Stuart Rankin: I love you, it herts! It HERTS!

Angus: I know it hurts. It hurts me too.

Stuart Rankin: I LOVE YOU!! [ they hug again ]

Angus: I love you! [ they stop hugging and sigh of relief ]

Stuart Rankin: Okay, we’ll add pizza.

Angus: Great, Dad.

Stuart Rankin: “All Things Scottish … and Pizza.” All right, hold on here, just so we’re clear, all right … we serve pizza, you take over the store?

Angus: That’s right.

Stuart Rankin: Magic.

Angus: And I don’t have to wear the kilt.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’re a sneaky slimy bastard.

Angus: And you’re a stupid old man!

[ they raise their fists ]

Stuart Rankin: THAT’S IT! Pick a window! Pick a window to go through!

Angus: Oh, look at you! Your wee head’s about to burst like a tomato!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, I’m gonna rip off your head and … spit in yer neck!

Angus: Tell that to Mum!

Stuart Rankin: [ tears up ] Aww, I LOVE YOU!! [ they hug ]

Angus: I love you too!

Stuart Rankin: I LOVE YOU!!

[ applause, as they continue with the tender moment ]

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

Kyle MacLachlan’s Monologue

…..Kyle MacLachlan

Kyle MacLachlan: Thank you very much. Nice to be here, and its an honor to be hosting the opening show of “Saturday Night Live”. Well, one of the reasons any actor wants to host this show is in order to show another side of his talent and personality. And in my case since most of you probably know me from the eccentric character I played on “Blue Velvet” and uh.. of course, Agent Cooper from “Twin Peaks”. I.. uh.. was especially anxious for you to see what I’m like as a person. So this may seem a little unusual – I don’t know if they’ve done this before – but I thought I’d open up the floor to any questions you might have about me. So? [ Woman in Audience raises her hand ] Yeah?

Woman in Audience: Yeah, um.. where you from?

Kyle MacLachlan: Yakuma, Washington. [ First Man in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah?

First Man in Audience: Is your name pronounced Mac – clock – land?

Kyle MacLachlan: Its Mac – loc – land, close. Its Scottish. [ Second Male in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah.

Second Man in Audience: Uh, yeah.. this isn’t so much a question about you – but I’m a big “Twin Peaks” fan, and I was kind of wondering: are we going to find out this year who killed Laura Palmer?

Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah, its.. uh.. it’s Shelly the waitress, and uh.. they’re going to reveal that in the last episode, so.. [ looks around casually ] Any more questions, or..? Okay. Look, we’ve got a great show tonight. Sinead O’Conner is here.

Director’s Voice: Oh, Kyle. [ Kyle looks around ] Kyle?

Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah?

Director’s Voice: Kyle, could you come to the control room for amoment? There’s a phone call for you.

Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah.. okay. Um.. excuse me.

[ Kyle walks off stage to the left, past television cameras and the camera crew, then walks up a hallway into the control room ]

Operator: [ holding telephone for Kyle ] It’s David Lynch.

Kyle MacLachlan: Oh, alright. [ takes phone ] David! Hey, are you watching?

Voice of David Lynch: Well, there’s nothing else good on.

Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what do you think?

Voice of David Lynch: [ barks unintelligible slur of words ]

Kyle MacLachlan: Well, he asked me. What am I supposed to do, lie?

Voice of David Lynch: How long have you been in this business?!

Kyle MacLachlan: Look, I’ve been in the business for six years, David. You know that.

Voice of David Lynch: [ more unintelligible barking of slur words ]

[ screen dissolves temporarily to a black and white photo of David Lynch, titled “Voice of David Lynch.” ]

Voice of David Lynch: ..back to Yakuma, Washington!!

Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what good would it be to tell.. it’s Shelly, David. I mean the episode’s been shot. It’s Shelly, okay. I mean, they’re going to find out eventually.

Voice of David Lynch: I KNOW THAT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!DON’T TELL ANYMORE! [ barks unintelligible orders ]

Kyle MacLachlan: Yes. Okay. Yes, sir.. Yes, yes sir. Okay, Iunderstand. Okay, I’ll try..

Voice of David Lynch: DO IT! GET OUT OF HERE!

Kyle MacLachlan: [ hangs up phone quietly ] Thanks. [ returns to center stage, nervously wrings his hands and faces the audience ] Uh.. uh.. excuse me, I.. uh.. I want to say one thing. Earlier, when I made the joke about Shelly the waitress killing Laura Palmer, I.. I just wanted to make sure that you all knew that it was a joke. And, uh.. I mean, obviously I wouldn’t come out here and.. and tell you that, uh.. uh.. that it was real and, uh.. and ruin my chances of being in the second season. I mean, only a real idiot who never wanted to work in Hollywood, who deserves a real big spanking, would.. uh.. would do such a stupid thing like that. So, anyway, we’ve got a great show, so stick around. We’ll be right back.

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

A Message From Iraq

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Moderator…..Phil Hartman
Tadir Havadabadi…..Tom Davis
Jan Hooks…..Malid Haziz Amani
Amad Havim Adabadi…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on still image of Saddam Hussein, over Iraqi chant music ]

Announcer: You are watching Iraqi State Television. The following is an unedited address by the President of the United States, George Bush.

[ dissolve to President Bush in the Oval Office ]

President George Bush: Good evening. Now, first of all, I’d like to thank the Iraqi government, for giving me this second opportunity to talk to the Iraqi people. You know, when I last spoke to you a few weeks back, apparently I failed to convey just how seriously the United States views the illegal seizure of Kuwait down there. My mistake, I believe, was in using the vague, euphemistic code words of international diplomacy. So, tonight I’m gonna speak to you in the kind of language that every Arab, every Iraqi, can understand.

You see, your leader – the godless liar, Saddam Hussein – is nothing more than a hyena in the skin of a lion. He thinks to frighten us, like sheep, with his loud braying – nah gah do it! America’s no sheep waiting to be seized by a hyena! Rather, it’s a great scorpion! Which deals a deadly sting to those who would crush it! Stinging! Stinging! Stinging!

You know, I’ve been in cose consultation with Speaker Foley, Senator Dole and Mitchell over there, in that place where they are down there! And, like me, they agree: the American people are not afraid of war. They don’t fear death. But, rather, welcome death as a glorious martyrdom The reward of those who die in battle for the one true God, Jesus Christ! And your leader, the hyena, Saddma Hussein, thinks he can climb into the pit with the American cobra, and charm it with the music of his lies. But remember, Mr. Hussein: the venom of the American cobra spits far and true! Not spittin’ yet – wouldn’t be prudent! But, rest assured, that cobra will strike! [ hisses ]

As the prophet has written: [ speaks in Iraqi ] “Your children shall wander aimlessly. There reason shall desert them, and they shall not know where there fathers’ bones are buried.”

You know, this summer I was up in Kennenbunkport, Maine – relaxing, in that relaxation mode – while our armies, our great armies, lay poised on the brink of a great war. My wife, Bar, turned to me, and what she said speaks for Americans everywhere. “Jackals”, said Bar. “Jackals will slake their thirst on the blood of Iraqi soldiers, and their entrails shall stink in the sun and be food for hogs!”

So, to sum up: Hussein, lion’s clothing – really a hyena; America, both a scorpion and a cobra [ hisses ]; jackals, slaking their thirst, entrails stinking, food for hogs. Good night!

[ dissolve to moderated Ieaqi forum ]

Moderator: You have been listening to an address by the President of the United States. Here, with an analysis, are: Tadir Havadabadi.. Malid Haziz.. and Amad Havim Adabadi. Tadir, how do you think Bush did?

Tadir Havadabadi: I was impressed. This was a new George Bush. A mad man I think we can deal with.

Moderator: Malid?

Malid Haziz: Well, after his first speech, Bush desperately needed a hit. Tonight, I think he got a home run. I do. I do.

Moderator: Amad?

Amad Havim Adabadi: I was especially struck by the part about our children not knowing where are bones are buried. I’ve got several grandchildren, I want them to know where my bones are buried!

Moderator: This has been Iraqi State TV’s special coverage of an address by the President of the United States. Later tonight, “Kojak”. This week, Kojak is cortnered by members of the mob. But, first: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Bad Idea Jeans

Guy #1…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on group of guys sitting on a bench on a basketball court, laughing ]

Guy #1: Hey, we’ve got our apartment. We ripped up the floors, pipes, wiring, and having everything completely redone.

Guy #2: You’re renting, right?

Guy #1: Yeah.

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

Guy #3: Well, he’s an ex free-base addict, and he’s trying to turn around, and he needs a place to stay for a couple of months.

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

Guy #1: [ tosses bottle to Guy #2 ] Head’s up!

Guy #4: Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house.

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

[ close-up of the jeans they’re wearing, the label reads: BAD IDEA JEANS ]

Guy #3: I thought about it, and even though it’s over, I’m going to tell my wife about the affair.

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

[ more shots of BAD IDEA jeans ]

Guy #5: I don’t know the guy, but I’ve got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured..

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

Guy #2: Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, “When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?”

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

Announcer: Bad Idea Jeans.

[ shows a group of tough looking basketball players on the court ]

Guy #1: Hey, you guys ready? Let’s bet these guys! A hundred bucks.. make that two hundred! Two hundred bucks!

[ fade to image on screen: BAD IDEA JEANS ]

[ fade out ]

Thanks to Tony DuMont for this transcript.

http://www.specialcabledeals.com/comcast-triple-play-deals-.html

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
September 29th, 1990

Kyle McLachlan

Sinead O’Connor

None

Sinead O’Connor, “Three Babies”

A Message From Iraq

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Kyle McLachlan’s Monologue

Bad Idea Jeans

Sprockets

Recurring Characters: Dieter.

Twin Peaks

Sinead O’Connor performs “Three Babies”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Luther Campbell

All Things Scottish

Recurring Characters: Stuart Rankin.

Sinead O’Connor performs “The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance”

Frank Sinatra & George Michael

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, George Michael.

Lonesome Cowboys II

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: 1990-1991


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Starring:

Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon

Featuring:

A. Whitney Brown

Chris Farley

Al Franken

Tim Meadows (first: 02/09/91)

Chris Rock

Adam Sandler (first: 02/09/91)

Rob Schneider

David Spade

Julia Sweeney

Episodes

09/29/90: Kyle McLachlan / Sinead O’Connor

10/06/90: Susan Lucci / Hothouse Flowers

10/20/90: George Steinbrenner / The Time

10/27/90: Patrick Swayze / Mariah Carey

11/10/90: Jimmy Smits / World Party

11/17/90: Dennis Hopper / Paul Simon

12/01/90: John Goodman / Faith No More

12/08/90: Tom Hanks / Edie Brickell & New Bohemians

12/15/90: Dennis Quaid / The Neville Brothers

01/12/91: Joe Mantegna / Vanilla Ice

01/19/91: Sting

02/09/91: Kevin Bacon / INXS

02/16/91: Roseanne Barr / Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The Rubber Band

02/23/91: Alec Baldwin / Whitney Houston

03/16/91: Michael J. Fox / Black Crowes

03/23/91: Jeremy Irons / Fishbone

04/13/91: Catherine O’Hara / R.E.M.

04/20/91: Steven Seagal / Michael Bolton

05/11/91: Delta Burke / Chris Isaak

05/18/91: George Wendt / Elvis Costello

SummaryWhy take chances?

Producer Lorne Michaels had played the game before – cast members perform on “Saturday Night Live” for a few seasons, then leave the show to pursue careers in Hollywood or other walks of entertainment. Chevy Chase left in 1976; Aykroyd and Belushi left in 1979; even Eddie Murphy (though not under Lorne’s reign) left in 1984.

It had been five full seasons since Lorne Michaels returned to “Saturday Night Live”, and there was danger of his current cast following the dreams of his original cast – in fact, Jon Lovitz and Nora Dunn didn’t return this season, so it was time for Lorne to think about discovering new talent for the show. Instead of finding himself stuck at the last minute, Lorne decided to overpopulate the cast, as a precaution. Along with the returning familiar faces of Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks, Victoria Jackson, Dennis Miller, Mike Myers and Kevin Nealon, Lorne brought in new talent Chris Farley and Chris Rock, as well as aspiring performers below them such as David Spade, Adam Sandler, Tim Meadows, Rob Schneider and Julia Sweeney. If any of the remaining longtime veterans left the show, there would be plenty of performers available to take their places.

The end result? A comedy explosion, exposing “Saturday Night Live” to some of its wildest, funniest and most unforgettable moments ever.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Hosts:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
September 24th, 1989

None

Prince

Father Guido Sarducci

Kevin Nealon

Victoria Jackson

Dan Aykroyd

Steve Martin

Robin Williams

Tom Hanks

Billy Crystal

Sam Kinison

Joan Cusack

Mary Tyler Moore

Jon Lovitz

Lorne Michaels

Chevy Chase

Jane Curtin

Joe Piscopo

Garrett Morris

Susan St. James

Christopher Guest

Martin Short

O.J. Simpson

Steve Martin

Buck Henry

Charlton Heston

Jane Curtin

Laraine Newman

Dennis Miller

Jan Hooks

Mary Tyler Moore

Eddie Murphy’s Entourage

Dan Aykroyd

Jim Belushi

Robin Williams

Bruce Willis

Chevy Falls

Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson gawk at the night’s celebrity guests.

Chevy Chase insists he’s not too old to do the opening fall.

Tom Hanks’ Monologue

Hanks outlines obligatory comments for the monologue.

1975-1980 Highlights

Clips include: Wolverines, Jaws II, Fred Garvin, Mr. Bill and The Nerds.

SNL Moment I

Susan St. James was first host to marry an SNL producer.

Hey, You!

(Repeat) See: 12/10/77.

Jerry Hall

Jerry Hall introduces Prince.

Prince performs “Electric Chair”

Hey, You!

(Repeat) See: 12/10/77.

Guest/Short

Christopher Guest makes fun of Martin Short while introducing clips.

1980-1985 Highlights

Clips include: The Whiners, Velvet Jones, Fernando’s Hideaway and Mr. Robinson.

SNL Moment II

O.J. Simpson acknowledges Walter Payton’s Superbowl loss.

Super Bass-o-Matic ’76

(Repeat) See: 04/24/76.

Steve Martin

Steve Martin is too excited to introduce clip highlights.

1985-1989 Highlights

Clips include: Pathlogical Liar, Hans & Franz, Sprockets and Hercules.

Charlton Heston

Charlton Heston reads a letter from an offended SNL viewer.

First Citiwide Change Bank I

(Repeat) See: 10/08/88.

Billy Crystal

Billy Crystal does stand-up about feeling old.

Musical Guest Highlights

highlights of 14 years’ worth of musical guests.

Gilda Radner Tribute

Jane Curtin and Laraine Newman introduce clips of Gilda’s performances.

Gilda Radner Highlights

Clips include: Emily Litella, Baba Wawa, Judy Miller and La Dolce Gilda.

Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller talks about SNL’s political sketches.

Political Highlights

Clips include: Debate ’76, Carter Call-In and Jesse Jackson’s Monologue.

SNL Moment III

Jan Hooks wins the award for most whores portrayed in one SNL episode.

Mary Tyler Moore

Mary Tyler Moore talks about SNL’s tasteless sketches.

Tasteless Sketch Highlights

Clips include: The Widettes, Nude Beach, and Lord & Lady Douchebag.

John Belushi Tribute

Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi introduce clips of John’s performances.

John Belushi Highlights

Clips include: Samurai Deli, Godfather Therapy and Little Chocolate Donuts.

Robin Williams

Robin Williams stalls for time by roasting audience members.

Compulsion

(Repeat) See: 11/14/87.

“Play Misty For Me”

(Repeat) See: 01/10/76.

Paul Simon Worries

(Repeat) See: 11/20/76.

Paul Simon performs “Still Crazy After All These Years”

Bruce Willis

Bruce Willis reminds cast and crew to be ready for him in the morning.

SNL Transcripts